Original subtitles

"Small Achievable Goals" announced their partnership

with wellness startup, Glowee, at Cast Fest.

Engagement numbers have gone through the roof

since launching our partnership,

Proof that women trust Small Achievable Goals�

honesty and integrity.

Can�t wait to tell you about all their amazing products.

It�s gonna be fantastic.

I hate myself.

Hey Mom, we need a garbage bag for our eco-terrorism project.

Okay.

Can I see it?

Yeah.

Whoa, look at this!

Your little blood lettering.

That�s fine �cause it�s not real,

although if you get a chainsaw in there nice,

�cause they can cut things,

but you wear those special overalls,

if you ever use one.

And all the forest animals are going in the meat grinder,

and they�re all screaming for their lives.

But I totally understand

�cause Maeve, you�re a vegetarian.

That�s really good. - Yeah.

You know, people chaining themselves to shit

for what they believe in is pretty cool.

Yeah, it�s really cool to believe in stuff.

It�s really cool to sort of not make your...

[soft quirky music]

Best friend do something that they don�t wanna do

and put them in a vagina outfit.

I�m so sorry. You know what?

Do you want an egg bite, honey? Do you want an egg bite?

No. - No thanks.

Mom, we don�t have time.

I�ve gotta get to school.

[Kris]. Okay, let�s move.

Okay, when you�re at your dad�s tonight

I�m gonna finish up packing.

You mean start packing?

Potato, po-tah-to.

Okay. - I love you.

Yeah, love you.

Don�t do anything stupid. - Bye.

Bye, Kris.

You terrify me. Mm, yeah.

[knocking at door]

Oh, did you forget something?

No.

Kris, I was wondering if you would do me the honour-

Oh no. I mean-

Of- - Yes.

Going on a real- - On a date?

Official- - Date?

You wanna take me out?

Date. - That�s what�s happening?

Is that what you�re saying?

Ye- - You�re asking me?

Even though you know all the...

things?

Okay...

Um...

Well...

I have a lot of packing to do tonight,

so I don�t think that I can go.

I can help.

I�m good.

Do you like Italian? - Oh, I love it.

Okay. - Okay.

Uh, great. It�s a date.

[whispers] All right.

[soft music]

I�ll see ya. - Okay, I�ll see you later.

[Pete]. And then she�ll take a plate

and lean it against a mug,

but there�s zero chance of any water from the jet

coming into contact with it.

[Pete muffled chattering] [pensive music]

[muffled] Julie? Julie?

Julie?

I�m complaining about how you load the dishwasher.

Are you gonna interrupt?

No. Your feelings are valid.

You�re not gonna rant about work

and how I�m lucky I�m not married to Amanda?

You asked me not to talk about that here,

so not going to.

Yeah, well you don�t talk about it anywhere anymore, do ya?

I mean, this is getting spooky.

Mm.

How are things at work, Julie?

Well, uh, two weeks ago,

uh, dressed as a giant vagina,

I publicly screwed myself

by agreeing to be a spokesperson for a company that I hate.

I am aware of the irony.

And why did you do it?

Kris asked me to,

and I felt that I could not say no.

And how does that make you feel now?

I�m tired.

I�m just tired of fighting.

[scoffs] You see what I�m dealing with?

You�d prefer Julie fight with you?

[Pete]. Yes.

Yes, frankly, yes I would!

I would prefer that she fights.

I mean, that�s who she is.

She can�t just quit her personality

twenty years into a relationship.

I mean, we�re heading towards retirement, okay?

We�re downsizing.

We�re moving to the country.

Mm.

No no, I was just thinking about what I was gonna have

for lunch there.

No you weren�t. Don�t do that.

You know she wasn�t.

She wasn�t thinking that.

Let your honest thoughts out.

Whenever I mention we�re moving to the country,

she hates it.

Hates it!

Open fields.

They make you antsy, right?

Better that than the slaughterhouse.

Huh?

What was that?

I�m lining up with the cows, Pete.

I would rather be happy than right.

Who are you?

This was a really productive session.

? I feel it all, I feel it all ?

? I feel it all ?

[slurping]

So this treatment that we�re plugging cures menopause?

Mm-mm.

We cannot say "cure".

Reversitrol by Glowee

alleviates symptoms in 98% of the women who have tested it.

It�s like we can�t say "waterproof"

but we can say "water resistant".

So Reversitrol is menopause resistant?

We gave you a script.

They got the script, right? - They got a script.

Yeah? - Of course.

I have the script, we have the script.

It�s just that Julie and I we like to,

you know, mm, research things,

and just really understand them

before we, we back them.

And that�s what we do,

isn�t it, Julie?

Don�t you think, Julie?

Isn�t that what we do? Say something?

Are you gonna say? No, okay.

Um, and this one over here,

she�s just obsessed with this thing called peer...

peer...

[Julie]. Peer reviewed.

I�m sure the doctor has done his research.

You seem like a guy who does research.

It�s my life�s work.

The metrics for the test group

are in my office.

[Glynis]. It�s the real deal.

Health Canada doesn�t approve snake oil.

Have they approved this?

Ball�s in their court,

but we�re expecting good news any day.

And in the meantime,

our partnership with "Small Achievable Goals"

has given us a huge boost.

The comments from the last two episodes

are amazing.

Very, very cool.

I mean, thanks to your show,

we�ve got 1.5 million in presale orders.

Wow.

This will help so many women.

Yeah, sounds great. - Thank you so much.

Such cute chairs.

[Kris]. Thanks.

Julie, I don�t think he�s a real doctor.

I don�t think he has the cure for menopause, do you?

Well, the thing�s made of yams.

What harm can it do?

I don�t know.

Julie, I�m really sorry.

I-I know that you�re doing this

�cause of me.

No, it�s like you said:

Who am I to say what�s right for women?

I mean, my opinions are getting me nowhere.

And frankly, I�m tired of fighting.

So...

Okay.

Want some help? - No.

Thank you. [exhales]

Off to be happy.

[bright music]

Hey, you want the good news, or the really good news?

Oh, start with the good news.

Okay, your segment at Cast Fest killed!

Couldn�t have gone better. - Yes!

Wow! Okay, so then what is the really good news?

Ooh! Amanda wants to bump you up to a fall release!

Isn�t that amazing?

You start recording tomorrow morning.

Wait, so wait, wait, sorry.

T-T-Tomorrow morning? - Yes!

I�m so excited to share my story.

Hey, what�s wrong with you? You look pale.

It�s just how I look when I�m excited.

Perimenopausal women have been suffering for centuries,

but they don�t have to anymore.

I�ve created Reversitrol,

a revolutionary plant-based

phyto-estrogen menopause treatment.

Fascinating.

Unfortunately, that is all the time that we have for today.

Visit the Glowee website to check out

their custom wellness packages.

[fake chuckles] Yeah.

Uh, and when you�re at the counter,

please enter the code "Small Achievable Goals"

for 10% off the purchase price.

Yay.

[Dr. Felterblatt]. Well that was so much fun.

Takes me back to my acting days.

You remember the, uh, the tomato soup commercial?

"Now that�s what I call tomato soup!" [laughs]

[Julie]. That�s where I know you from.

[tense music]

[music intensifying]

Hey, Kris. Can I help you?

Hi. I just would like to file an HR complaint.

You�d like to file an HR complaint?

Yeah. - Okay, uh, against whom?

Myself.

Okay.

Just I�ll get your file.

Yeah, yeah. Sure, great. Thank you, thank you.

[Mo]. Oh, you can�t miss it.

Lift with your knees. [grunts]

[chuckles] Oh my gosh,

is that all the complaints against me?

[laughs] Ah, nobody�s perfect.

Okay.

Kris, so uh, what�s your beef with you?

I forced Julie to get onboard with our sponsor Glowee

so that we could make more money.

Okay, so you got Julie to do her job,

and you got her a raise?

But I broke her, Mo.

I broke Julie.

Kris, maybe-maybe it�s time that you, um,

maybe took a little time off?

Yeah, I�m not really doing good.

I�d love, I�d like to go home.

Could I? Do we have...?

Is there like a maternity leave for menopause or something?

Unfortunately, no.

Uh, no, there�s not.

But let�s-let�s see how many

vacation days you have left, okay?

Yeah, those are toast. I used all those.

How about my insurance reserve?

Is-is there any money in there?

Uh, pretty sure you tapped those out, too.

But, oh no, there is some left.

Look at that. - How much?

Uh, $17.

Could I have it?

You-you want $17?

Yeah, I need it.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Uh, all right.

You just have to fill out some forms.

It�ll take six to eight weeks to process.

I�m sorry.

Uh, you know, menopause leave is really a good idea,

sort of a-a-a meno-pause, as it were.

[both chuckling]

That�s good.

Kris, if I do file this complaint against you,

uh, I-I�d be obligated to put you on

a personal improvement plan.

But I mean, what�s there to improve, really?

So we�ll just consider this a warning.

Okay well, I�ll keep an eye on myself.

[Mo chuckling]

Thanks, Mo.

Yeah.

[upbeat music]

Julie, let�s chat in my office.

The metrics on the test group using Reversitrol.

I�m thinking of buying a boat.

I know, I know.

What kind of asshole buys a boat?

I�ve invested my own money into Glowee, Julie.

It�s gonna blow up.

Reversitrol is a game changer.

You could get in on that.

Wow, impressive.

But I doubt that you can cure menopause.

Dr. Felterblatt�s treatment works.

I�ve been taking it for almost a year,

and I feel amazing.

You should try it.

Maybe even on the podcast.

[tense music]

What would that be worth to you?

Try the regime on air tomorrow,

stay with it for a year,

I�ll give you this much.

Well, you know my mother always used to say to me

that if you�re going to sell your soul,

you should get a good price.

[Amanda]. Mm, I love your mom.

FYI, this number�s the shallow end.

Do you wanna see the deep end?

I sure do.

Let�s go boat shopping.

[bright music]

Aye-aye, Captain. - Oh yeah!

What are we talking, like a pontoon boat?

Wow.

We got our work cut out for us.

Yeah. - Hey, that�s okay.

I love a challenge.

Sorry about that.

[Yule chuckling]

[cellphone dings]

This is my friend Julie.

She, "I�m taking Reversitrol on the pod tomorrow."

Oh my gosh, okay.

Um, I�m so sorry, Yule.

I have to, I have to go.

I, this has, this has gone too far

and I�m so sorry, I just,

I have to, I have to fix this.

Can I help?

Well listen, Yule.

I know that you think that I�m, I�m like really fun

and really nice, good to talk to,

and like really good dancer- - Cute.

Uh, okay, yeah, I guess.

I just, um, but um, I have to tell you,

I�m not a good person.

Oh, me neither.

No, you don�t understand.

I did a bad thing with bad people.

Everyone does.

No, I betrayed my best friend.

Okay.

One time, I stole my best friend�s watch.

And then I sold it and then I helped him look for it,

and then as a thank you, he, uh, bought me beer.

Okay.

[whispers] And also, uh, I�ve robbed people.

What? - One time I even robbed myself.

My landlord put a padlock on my door,

and I had to bust in and steal my own shit.

Okay.

[soft music]

So, um, I know what I should do.

[whispers] You know how to break into places?

[soft music]

[Kris]. Okay, lock it.

Okay, I got sleeping bags.

I only have a pillow and then the, um...

You got one sleeping bag?

I thought that I brought two,

but I think �cause it was so puffy,

that I thought it was two.

Yeah no, that�s cool, that�s cool.

I�ll just, I�ll sleep on the floor.

No, no, no. You can just come on,

so we can like spring into action.

But by action I don�t mean like having sex, like...

I didn�t, I mean, we�re-we�re nuns.

You and me, we�re gonna lie here like a couple of nuns.

No square pegs getting in any round hole.

Yeah no, that�s smart. - [Kris] Okay.

It�s smart. - [Kris] Hey, come on.

It�s fine. It�s fine.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

Why did we lock ourselves in your office and break in?

Uh, I�m staging a protest

because I want my daughter to have a mom

that sort of stands up for things.

And also, I gotta fix things with Julie.

Yeah, well I got your back.

And your front. - Thanks.

And this is a platonic pillow,

and then you can sleep on this edge,

and I�m gonna sleep on this edge.

Okay. - Okay, great.

[soft music]

Your collar�s here.

So you have a big day tomorrow,

so you should probably get some sleep.

Thank you.

[soft music continues]

?

Hey, new suit?

Yeah, picked it up yesterday with Amanda.

We had a $400 lunch and then we went boat shopping.

Boat shop-

What kinda asshole buys a boat?

Right?

But actually, you know, she�s pretty cool,

and she�s completely self made,

and I did a little napkin math,

and if I suck the corporate teat for three more years-

[snorts] "Teat"... [chuckles]

Sorry, I�m listening, yeah.

If I endorse Reversitrol,

they�ll give me kind of a generous bonus,

and if we took that and our GICs,

and we invested in Glowee,

we could come up with a life-changing nest egg.

I mean, why downsize when we could travel the world?

We could hike the El Camino?

No, babe. Too many open fields.

No, I was thinking five star resort,

I was thinking private cabana.

In-room massages?

We could go full "White Lotus".

Minus the murder.

Pete, I�m talking the kind of money

that lets you get away with murder.

[cellphone ringing]

Oh!

Oh good morning, Julie.

Mo here. Sorry to bother you at home.

We seem to have a bit of a situation with, uh, Kris.

[Julie on phone]. Is she okay?

Uh, physically, yes.

Emotionally, not so sure.

She broke into my sound booth,

and now she�s holed up in there with some guy.

So is she, is she, like, dating this guy?

Is it serious, or?

Yeah, there�s probably sex germs all over my mixer.

I�ll help you disinfect.

I�m on my way.

Whatever you do, don�t tell Amanda.

Oh, too late.

[Julie on phone]. Oh shit. I�ll be right there.

[tense music]

What?

[tense music swells]

Morning. - Hey. Oh.

Oh no. - Unlock the door, Kris.

Oh my god, this is Amanda. She looks really pissed.

Yeah, well- - [Amanda] Kris?

So are you.

Okay.

Hello!

Uh, good morning, Amanda.

So today is not the day for this demented little prank.

The Glowee executives are going to be here

in less than an hour.

Yeah well, this isn�t a prank.

This is a protest. - Against what?

Having a job? - No, against you.

Listen, you can use me all you want,

but you can�t force Julie to take a pill.

You can�t. You can�t do it.

No, I didn�t force Julie to do anything.

She�s all in.

Well, guess what?

Today�s the day that Glowee�s gonna find out

what Julie and I really think about them, so.

Bitch, you better get outta that booth!

Hey, hey. That�s not nice.

Who is that?

This is Yule. He�s my property manager.

He�s also my friend. We could be a little bit closer,

but we�re still figuring things out.

Kris!

Twenty minutes and I�m calling the cops.

Um, okay. Amanda, why don�t we take this back to your office,

and I will chat with Kris,

and we will get this all settled.

Twenty minutes!

Julie, she can�t call the cops. Don�t call the cops.

Just don�t call the cops, please!

Oh my god, Yule. Yule.

Okay you leave before the cops come, please, you gotta go.

Oh, I�m not leaving you here alone.

No, you-you don�t understand.

I�m not good. I�m not doing well.

You know that.

When you were sleeping, I peed in that bucket

and ate a pepperoni stick at the same time.

The cops are coming.

This is as romantic as it�s gonna get.

It�s plenty romantic for me.

[soft music]

Oh my god.

Ah...

Okay, we�re not gonna do this.

We�re just gonna do one more, okay?

Okay.

[bright music]

With the, okay, you know what?

I feel like if it�s one more and that�s all we got,

we just wanna both put our best foot forward,

so maybe what we�re gonna do,

I�m gonna open up my mouth a little,

yeah, yeah, and I�m just gonna see what happens, okay?

Okay. - Okay, go.

Okay, enough. Enough.

This is, this is getting ridiculous.

You gotta, you better-

[both moaning]

Like, look at me. Look at me.

Just one more, quick one, and then you�re gonna go, okay?

And...

Oh god, you gotta go!

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

I don�t want to leave you here alone.

I don�t want to ruin anyone else�s life.

Can you go, please?

Could you just go?

I�m sorry.

[door clicking opens]

[knocking on door]

I�m sorry. I�m sorry.

Thank you very much.

Okay, what the hell is going on, Kris?

I think I love him.

No, no, no. Not about that.

What is going on here?

Oh. - This?

Oh god.

I just wanted to say that I�m so sorry

I made you wear that puffy vagina-

Oh. - Costume.

No, no.

And then I made you betray yourself

and go against everything that you believe in.

You don�t have to go in there,

and-and-and take those gross pills.

Kris, I wanna do it.

You don�t have to apologize to me.

My decisions are my own.

I�m sorry.

Do you need me to forgive you?

Yeah, I really, I really do.

Okay, I forgive you.

Come here. Come here.

I just want us to be good, okay?

We�re so good. - We�re good?

Yeah, we�re good, we�re good.

Okay, okay. - Okay.

All right, now pucker up

because we gotta go and kiss some major ass,

and we gotta do it fast.

I just gotta grab my bucket of pee.

That might be why you�re single.

Well that�s harsh �cause we just broke up.

Hey, listen. I don�t need to know.

I don�t even know if we�re together.

Great news, Amanda!

Kris is here and she�s got something she�d like to say.

I certainly do.

I wanna say something to you.

It�s just, it�s gonna be like, Yo, girl. How�s it going?

I just wanna apologize for just, you know, what happened.

Earlier. I don�t really remember.

Taking the studio hostage.

Can you please not?

Because that is absolutely not helping right now.

Okay, I�m not gonna...

I just would like to say that, look, she�s not even focused.

It�s ancient history. Tell her.

Oh my god.

You know what happened? I�m gonna tell ya.

I had some allergy medication.

That goddam pollen, you know what I�m talking about?

Amanda, can we be straight with each other?

Um, I�m a bit vulnerable right now because Yule,

who you saw there,

when we were making out, he had his hands on me,

and the timing�s off for us right now, and I-

Okay, okay.

I think what Kris is trying to say

is that she felt, um, overwhelmed-

Sure.

By the enormity of the situation.

Uh, but we are now both fully in

and ready to jump into those Glowee waters.

In fact, I talked to Pete and, uh, we�re ready to invest.

Who knows? Maybe we�ll buy a boat.

Oh my god.

I bought a boat!

Well congratulations, Captain.

I bought a boat. - Ohhh.

It�s not a good boat? I�ll see the boat.

What�s the boat, what�s?

Let me see it. Is this your boat?

Oh, it�s not your boat.

Those are your, those are your friends,

and they are...

someone called the cops on them.

[reporter]. Glowee founder and CEO, Glynis Goodyear,

and her Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Shelly Felterblatt,

were arrested earlier this afternoon

on charges of corporate embezzlement.

[tense music]

Oh shit.

[tense music continues]

[bright music]

?

[Evan voicemail]. Julie, you need to read these comments.

Fans are freaking out about this Glowee stuff.

[Pete]. Please tell me that the weird Glowee guy

didn�t have our retirement fund.

He didn�t.

You okay?

I�m sorry.

Come here.

I screwed up so much.

No.

Yeah, I did.

[soft music]

You almost screwed up a lot.

[chuckles] I almost did.

["My Love Mine All Mine" by Mitski]

? Moon, a hole of light

? Through the big top tent up high

? Here before and after me

? Shinin� down on me

? Moon, tell me if I could

? Send up my heart to you?

? So when I die, which I must do

? Could it shine down here with you?

? �Cause my love is mine, all mine

? My love mine, mine, mine

? Nothing in the world belongs to me

? But my love, mine all mine, all mine ?

?

?

?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0