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This is the Daily Show. We've got a

This is the Daily Show. We've got a

This is the Daily Show. We've got a great one. I'm Michael Costa. We've got

great one. I'm Michael Costa. We've got

great one. I'm Michael Costa. We've got so much to talk about tonight. Mag is in

so much to talk about tonight. Mag is in

so much to talk about tonight. Mag is in a war over whether we're in a war. We'll

a war over whether we're in a war. We'll

a war over whether we're in a war. We'll tell you where your tax dollars really

tell you where your tax dollars really

tell you where your tax dollars really went and Leslie Jones tries to fix men.

went and Leslie Jones tries to fix men.

went and Leslie Jones tries to fix men. Good luck. So, let's get into the latest

Good luck. So, let's get into the latest

Good luck. So, let's get into the latest on America's war with Iran.

>> Nothing bad can happen. It can only good

>> Nothing bad can happen. It can only good

>> Nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen.

We are now 4 days into this war and it's

We are now 4 days into this war and it's

We are now 4 days into this war and it's going great. It's definitely not

going great. It's definitely not

going great. It's definitely not expanding into an ever widening regional

expanding into an ever widening regional

expanding into an ever widening regional conflict that puts Americans in

conflict that puts Americans in

conflict that puts Americans in immediate danger.

immediate danger.

immediate danger. >> Overnight, the State Department issuing

>> Overnight, the State Department issuing

>> Overnight, the State Department issuing its strongest warning yet, urging US

its strongest warning yet, urging US

its strongest warning yet, urging US nationals to depart now.

nationals to depart now.

nationals to depart now. >> The State Department advising Americans

>> The State Department advising Americans

>> The State Department advising Americans to evacuate from 14 countries covering

to evacuate from 14 countries covering

to evacuate from 14 countries covering most of the Middle East.

most of the Middle East.

most of the Middle East. >> Things are escalating fast. Americans

>> Things are escalating fast. Americans

>> Things are escalating fast. Americans now have to evacuate from Saudi Arabia,

now have to evacuate from Saudi Arabia,

now have to evacuate from Saudi Arabia, Carter, and several other countries

Carter, and several other countries

Carter, and several other countries where Louis CK does stand up. Of course,

where Louis CK does stand up. Of course,

where Louis CK does stand up. Of course, the problem with evacuating from a war

the problem with evacuating from a war

the problem with evacuating from a war zone is that all the airports are

zone is that all the airports are

zone is that all the airports are closed. And I'm sure our government

closed. And I'm sure our government

closed. And I'm sure our government planned for this. US Ambassador to

planned for this. US Ambassador to

planned for this. US Ambassador to Israel, Mike Huckabe, help us out. Tell

Israel, Mike Huckabe, help us out. Tell

Israel, Mike Huckabe, help us out. Tell the stranded Americans how to get home.

the stranded Americans how to get home.

the stranded Americans how to get home. >> The Israeli Ministry of Tourism is

>> The Israeli Ministry of Tourism is

>> The Israeli Ministry of Tourism is providing bus service from several

providing bus service from several

providing bus service from several locations.

I'm sorry. You want us to take a bus out

I'm sorry. You want us to take a bus out

I'm sorry. You want us to take a bus out of a war zone?

of a war zone?

of a war zone? In the movies, there's a chopper outside

In the movies, there's a chopper outside

In the movies, there's a chopper outside and a and a Navy Seal comes down on a

and a and a Navy Seal comes down on a

and a and a Navy Seal comes down on a rope and he pulls you on board and he

rope and he pulls you on board and he

rope and he pulls you on board and he says, "You're going to make it in time

says, "You're going to make it in time

says, "You're going to make it in time for your daughter's birthday."

for your daughter's birthday."

for your daughter's birthday." But you're sitting there telling me,

But you're sitting there telling me,

But you're sitting there telling me, "It's fine. Take the Greyhound. There's

"It's fine. Take the Greyhound. There's

"It's fine. Take the Greyhound. There's there's no Wi-Fi." And the bathroom

there's no Wi-Fi." And the bathroom

there's no Wi-Fi." And the bathroom works as long as you don't poop in it.

works as long as you don't poop in it.

works as long as you don't poop in it. By the way, is this the official

By the way, is this the official

By the way, is this the official ambassador outfit these days?

ambassador outfit these days?

ambassador outfit these days? He looks like the guy who sits outside

He looks like the guy who sits outside

He looks like the guy who sits outside of a gas station and gives you

of a gas station and gives you

of a gas station and gives you directions to someplace in the woods

directions to someplace in the woods

directions to someplace in the woods where he can kill you.

But you know what? I'm sure that mass

But you know what? I'm sure that mass

But you know what? I'm sure that mass evacuations aside, the rest of the WAR

evacuations aside, the rest of the WAR

evacuations aside, the rest of the WAR IS GOING GREAT.

IS GOING GREAT.

IS GOING GREAT. >> Breaking news.

>> Breaking news.

>> Breaking news. >> US Central Command says three fighter

>> US Central Command says three fighter

>> US Central Command says three fighter jets were shot down by friendly fire

jets were shot down by friendly fire

jets were shot down by friendly fire from Kuwaiti forces. Sangon says all six

from Kuwaiti forces. Sangon says all six

from Kuwaiti forces. Sangon says all six crew members aboard the jets ejected,

crew members aboard the jets ejected,

crew members aboard the jets ejected, were safely recovered, and are in stable

were safely recovered, and are in stable

were safely recovered, and are in stable condition.

condition.

condition. >> Okay, now I know it's not great that our

>> Okay, now I know it's not great that our

>> Okay, now I know it's not great that our allies shot our planes down, but the

allies shot our planes down, but the

allies shot our planes down, but the good news is that they were probably

good news is that they were probably

good news is that they were probably using the missiles we sold them, so at

using the missiles we sold them, so at

using the missiles we sold them, so at least we know they work.

least we know they work.

least we know they work. By the way, can we come up with a new

By the way, can we come up with a new

By the way, can we come up with a new name for friendly fire? Shooting your

name for friendly fire? Shooting your

name for friendly fire? Shooting your friend's plane down seems like the least

friend's plane down seems like the least

friend's plane down seems like the least friendly thing you could do. Imagine you

friendly thing you could do. Imagine you

friendly thing you could do. Imagine you find your best friend banging your

find your best friend banging your

find your best friend banging your spouse and he's like, "Relax. Just a

spouse and he's like, "Relax. Just a

spouse and he's like, "Relax. Just a little friendly penetration."

But you know what? The pilots are okay.

But you know what? The pilots are okay.

But you know what? The pilots are okay. We'll just buy some new planes. What

We'll just buy some new planes. What

We'll just buy some new planes. What What do they cost?

What do they cost?

What do they cost? >> We should note that the the estimates of

>> We should note that the the estimates of

>> We should note that the the estimates of costs on these F-15 Strike Eagle jets

costs on these F-15 Strike Eagle jets

costs on these F-15 Strike Eagle jets range from anywhere from $30 million per

range from anywhere from $30 million per

range from anywhere from $30 million per unit all the way up to hund00 million.

unit all the way up to hund00 million.

unit all the way up to hund00 million. >> Up to $100 million each. who may have

>> Up to $100 million each. who may have

>> Up to $100 million each. who may have lost $300 million in one friendly

lost $300 million in one friendly

lost $300 million in one friendly penetration incident.

penetration incident.

penetration incident. I mean, look, I live in New York, so I

I mean, look, I live in New York, so I

I mean, look, I live in New York, so I am used to seeing obscene amounts of

am used to seeing obscene amounts of

am used to seeing obscene amounts of money wasted on jets, but still, 300

money wasted on jets, but still, 300

money wasted on jets, but still, 300 million.

WHOA.

300 million is crazy. No, but on the

300 million is crazy. No, but on the

300 million is crazy. No, but on the other hand, if we watch the video in

other hand, if we watch the video in

other hand, if we watch the video in reverse,

reverse,

reverse, I just saved us $300 million. So, not

I just saved us $300 million. So, not

I just saved us $300 million. So, not bad for the old casta.

bad for the old casta.

bad for the old casta. And the most upsetting thing about this

And the most upsetting thing about this

And the most upsetting thing about this is that it's all happening under a

is that it's all happening under a

is that it's all happening under a president who promised that this wasn't

president who promised that this wasn't

president who promised that this wasn't going to happen. I'm not going to start

going to happen. I'm not going to start

going to happen. I'm not going to start a war. I'm going to stop wars. No new

a war. I'm going to stop wars. No new

a war. I'm going to stop wars. No new wars. We don't need the wars. My

wars. We don't need the wars. My

wars. We don't need the wars. My personality is going to keep us out of

personality is going to keep us out of

personality is going to keep us out of wars. I am the candidate of peace. I am

wars. I am the candidate of peace. I am

wars. I am the candidate of peace. I am peace. I will stop the chaos in the

peace. I will stop the chaos in the

peace. I will stop the chaos in the Middle East.

Middle East.

Middle East. Well, well, well. Looks like we caught

Well, well, well. Looks like we caught

Well, well, well. Looks like we caught Donald Trump in a lie.

That ought to do it for his presidency,

That ought to do it for his presidency,

That ought to do it for his presidency, huh?

huh?

huh? Not bad for the old casta. You're

Not bad for the old casta. You're

Not bad for the old casta. You're welcome, America. All right, so to

welcome, America. All right, so to

welcome, America. All right, so to Trump's supporters, I'm sorry, but you

Trump's supporters, I'm sorry, but you

Trump's supporters, I'm sorry, but you have to admit he's gone back on his

have to admit he's gone back on his

have to admit he's gone back on his promise by starting a new war.

promise by starting a new war.

promise by starting a new war. >> This isn't a war. Uh we we haven't

>> This isn't a war. Uh we we haven't

>> This isn't a war. Uh we we haven't declared war on Iran. I don't know if

declared war on Iran. I don't know if

declared war on Iran. I don't know if this is technically a war.

this is technically a war.

this is technically a war. >> Strategic strikes are not war.

>> Strategic strikes are not war.

>> Strategic strikes are not war. >> Nobody should classify this as war. It

>> Nobody should classify this as war. It

>> Nobody should classify this as war. It is combat operations.

is combat operations.

is combat operations. >> Sure. Sure. It's a It's a strategic

>> Sure. Sure. It's a It's a strategic

>> Sure. Sure. It's a It's a strategic combat operations. Guys, you can call it

combat operations. Guys, you can call it

combat operations. Guys, you can call it whatever you want. We all know it's a

whatever you want. We all know it's a

whatever you want. We all know it's a war. This reminds me of how my aunt

war. This reminds me of how my aunt

war. This reminds me of how my aunt Trudy, she used to bring her so-called

Trudy, she used to bring her so-called

Trudy, she used to bring her so-called roommate to Thanksgiving every year. We

roommate to Thanksgiving every year. We

roommate to Thanksgiving every year. We all knew they weren't roommates. They

all knew they weren't roommates. They

all knew they weren't roommates. They were soulmates and they were scissoring.

The war with Iran is just like my two

The war with Iran is just like my two

The war with Iran is just like my two gay ants,

gay ants,

gay ants, shown here, exactly how they look. By

shown here, exactly how they look. By

shown here, exactly how they look. By the way, this all seems a little

the way, this all seems a little

the way, this all seems a little familiar. Where else have I recently

familiar. Where else have I recently

familiar. Where else have I recently heard such a pathetic attempt to not

heard such a pathetic attempt to not

heard such a pathetic attempt to not call a war a war? Russian forces began

call a war a war? Russian forces began

call a war a war? Russian forces began hitting targets in Ukraine overnight.

hitting targets in Ukraine overnight.

hitting targets in Ukraine overnight. Russian President Vladimir Putin

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Russian President Vladimir Putin announced what he called a special

announced what he called a special

announced what he called a special military operation. He refused to call

military operation. He refused to call

military operation. He refused to call it a war.

it a war.

it a war. >> Ah, great. Always good for the country

>> Ah, great. Always good for the country

>> Ah, great. Always good for the country to have the same messaging strategy as

to have the same messaging strategy as

to have the same messaging strategy as Vladimir Putin. We don't need Trump

Vladimir Putin. We don't need Trump

Vladimir Putin. We don't need Trump copying more Putin does. It's a

copying more Putin does. It's a

copying more Putin does. It's a slippery slope that could lead to the

slippery slope that could lead to the

slippery slope that could lead to the worst possible scenario, Trump going

worst possible scenario, Trump going

worst possible scenario, Trump going shirtless. And uh

and I know they don't want to admit it's

and I know they don't want to admit it's

and I know they don't want to admit it's a war because that would require

a war because that would require

a war because that would require Congress's approval and directly

Congress's approval and directly

Congress's approval and directly contradict President Trump's promises.

contradict President Trump's promises.

contradict President Trump's promises. But they're also so desperate not to

But they're also so desperate not to

But they're also so desperate not to call it a war that one conservative new

call it a war that one conservative new

call it a war that one conservative new ca newscaster is arguing with his own

ca newscaster is arguing with his own

ca newscaster is arguing with his own graphics package.

All right. War

All right. War

All right. War with Iran. Maybe it's war in Iran. War

with Iran. Maybe it's war in Iran. War

with Iran. Maybe it's war in Iran. War from Iran.

from Iran.

from Iran. WAR VIA IRAN.

WAR VIA IRAN.

WAR VIA IRAN. WHAT if we combine them? Warran. Is that

WHAT if we combine them? Warran. Is that

WHAT if we combine them? Warran. Is that anything?

anything?

anything? Look, call whatever you want. A war, a

Look, call whatever you want. A war, a

Look, call whatever you want. A war, a combat operation, international fight

combat operation, international fight

combat operation, international fight club. How long is this thing going to

club. How long is this thing going to

club. How long is this thing going to take?

take?

take? >> This is not an endless war.

>> This is not an endless war.

>> This is not an endless war. >> This is not endless.

>> This is not endless.

>> This is not endless. >> The president doesn't believe in endless

>> The president doesn't believe in endless

>> The president doesn't believe in endless wars.

wars.

wars. >> This is no forever war, as Trump critics

>> This is no forever war, as Trump critics

>> This is no forever war, as Trump critics keep complaining.

keep complaining.

keep complaining. >> Yeah. Okay, but that's not as comforting

>> Yeah. Okay, but that's not as comforting

>> Yeah. Okay, but that's not as comforting as you think it is. Don't worry,

as you think it is. Don't worry,

as you think it is. Don't worry, everyone. This war will last a number

everyone. This war will last a number

everyone. This war will last a number below infinity years.

below infinity years.

below infinity years. But okay, fine. At least we know this

But okay, fine. At least we know this

But okay, fine. At least we know this war won't be fought forever.

war won't be fought forever.

war won't be fought forever. >> Breaking overnight, President Trump

>> Breaking overnight, President Trump

>> Breaking overnight, President Trump touting that the US has a quote

touting that the US has a quote

touting that the US has a quote virtually unlimited supply of weapons.

virtually unlimited supply of weapons.

virtually unlimited supply of weapons. The president posting on Truth Social in

The president posting on Truth Social in

The president posting on Truth Social in part, wars can be fought forever.

part, wars can be fought forever.

part, wars can be fought forever. >> Great news, everyone.

>> Great news, everyone.

>> Great news, everyone. Now the war never has to end.

Now the war never has to end.

Now the war never has to end. I guess I'm happy for Trump that we have

I guess I'm happy for Trump that we have

I guess I'm happy for Trump that we have unlimited weapons, but it's worth

unlimited weapons, but it's worth

unlimited weapons, but it's worth considering what all these weapons cost

considering what all these weapons cost

considering what all these weapons cost and whether we could be better spending

and whether we could be better spending

and whether we could be better spending that money on something else here at

that money on something else here at

that money on something else here at home. I mean, we lost hundreds of

home. I mean, we lost hundreds of

home. I mean, we lost hundreds of millions of dollars in a single friendly

millions of dollars in a single friendly

millions of dollars in a single friendly fire incident. And some estimates say

fire incident. And some estimates say

fire incident. And some estimates say that the entire war could cost over $200

that the entire war could cost over $200

that the entire war could cost over $200 billion. Yet, here in America, people

billion. Yet, here in America, people

billion. Yet, here in America, people don't have healthcare. Our

don't have healthcare. Our

don't have healthcare. Our infrastructure is crumbling. My local

infrastructure is crumbling. My local

infrastructure is crumbling. My local library is only open two days a week,

library is only open two days a week,

library is only open two days a week, which means for five days a week I have

which means for five days a week I have

which means for five days a week I have to masturbate at home. It's shameful.

If there was only some image that could

If there was only some image that could

If there was only some image that could symbolize the confidence I have in our

symbolize the confidence I have in our

symbolize the confidence I have in our country's elected leaders right now.

country's elected leaders right now.

country's elected leaders right now. Yep.

Yep.

Yep. Yep. That's it.