Original subtitles

Hello. Today I came to talk to you about

Hello. Today I came to talk to you about

Hello. Today I came to talk to you about one of the world's GREATEST MYSTERIES.

one of the world's GREATEST MYSTERIES.

one of the world's GREATEST MYSTERIES. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU MEN?

>> BECAUSE SOMETHING IS WRONG. TOO many men

>> BECAUSE SOMETHING IS WRONG. TOO many men

>> BECAUSE SOMETHING IS WRONG. TOO many men don't understand women, don't like

don't understand women, don't like

don't understand women, don't like women, and are afraid of women. AND THEY

women, and are afraid of women. AND THEY

women, and are afraid of women. AND THEY THINK THAT ALL THEIR PROBLEMS COME FROM

THINK THAT ALL THEIR PROBLEMS COME FROM

THINK THAT ALL THEIR PROBLEMS COME FROM WOMEN. BUT THEY DON'T. TO QUOTE THE

WOMEN. BUT THEY DON'T. TO QUOTE THE

WOMEN. BUT THEY DON'T. TO QUOTE THE well-known feminist JF Z,

THEY GOT 99 PROBLEMS, BUT A AIN'T

THEY GOT 99 PROBLEMS, BUT A AIN'T

THEY GOT 99 PROBLEMS, BUT A AIN'T ONE.

ONE.

ONE. >> A growing crisis nationwide, male

>> A growing crisis nationwide, male

>> A growing crisis nationwide, male loneliness.

loneliness.

loneliness. >> 15% of American men say they have no

>> 15% of American men say they have no

>> 15% of American men say they have no close friends. And 50% say they have

close friends. And 50% say they have

close friends. And 50% say they have three or fewer friends outside of family

three or fewer friends outside of family

three or fewer friends outside of family members.

members.

members. >> I literally don't got no friends.

>> I literally don't got no friends.

>> I literally don't got no friends. >> It's like you got to go somewhere to

>> It's like you got to go somewhere to

>> It's like you got to go somewhere to make friends. I don't go nohere. What am

make friends. I don't go nohere. What am

make friends. I don't go nohere. What am I supposed to like cozy myself up to

I supposed to like cozy myself up to

I supposed to like cozy myself up to another man and be like, "Hey man, you

another man and be like, "Hey man, you

another man and be like, "Hey man, you want to be friends? Do you want to go

want to be friends? Do you want to go

want to be friends? Do you want to go play tag sometime?"

play tag sometime?"

play tag sometime?" Yes.

Yes.

Yes. YES. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

YES. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

YES. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO. I MEAN, DON'T USE THAT VOICE. IT'S KIND

I MEAN, DON'T USE THAT VOICE. IT'S KIND

I MEAN, DON'T USE THAT VOICE. IT'S KIND OF CREEPY, BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE

OF CREEPY, BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE

OF CREEPY, BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO. PUT IN THE WORK. HE

SUPPOSED TO DO. PUT IN THE WORK. HE

SUPPOSED TO DO. PUT IN THE WORK. HE PROBABLY DON'T HAVE NO FRIENDS EITHER.

PROBABLY DON'T HAVE NO FRIENDS EITHER.

PROBABLY DON'T HAVE NO FRIENDS EITHER. THIS IS SAD. And also, isn't this the

THIS IS SAD. And also, isn't this the

THIS IS SAD. And also, isn't this the whole point of sports?

whole point of sports?

whole point of sports? YOU SEE ANOTHER GUY IN THE SAME SHIRT AS

YOU SEE ANOTHER GUY IN THE SAME SHIRT AS

YOU SEE ANOTHER GUY IN THE SAME SHIRT AS YOU, BAM, THAT'S A FRIEND.

YOU, BAM, THAT'S A FRIEND.

YOU, BAM, THAT'S A FRIEND. You like the Giants, I LIKE THE GIANTS.

You like the Giants, I LIKE THE GIANTS.

You like the Giants, I LIKE THE GIANTS. You like the Knicks, I like the Knicks.

You like the Knicks, I like the Knicks.

You like the Knicks, I like the Knicks. You like the Mets, THE METS.

You like the Mets, THE METS.

You like the Mets, THE METS. YANKEES ALL DAY, BABY.

BUT YOU WERE friends for a few minutes.

BUT YOU WERE friends for a few minutes.

BUT YOU WERE friends for a few minutes. Didn't that feel nice?

Didn't that feel nice?

Didn't that feel nice? Now, maybe you're asking, Leslie, why do

Now, maybe you're asking, Leslie, why do

Now, maybe you're asking, Leslie, why do you care if men have friends? First of

you care if men have friends? First of

you care if men have friends? First of all, my name is Miss Jones.

You don't know me.

You don't know me.

You don't know me. And it affects me as a woman because men

And it affects me as a woman because men

And it affects me as a woman because men who have trouble TALKING TO OTHER GUYS

who have trouble TALKING TO OTHER GUYS

who have trouble TALKING TO OTHER GUYS CAN'T TALK TO WOMEN EITHER.

CAN'T TALK TO WOMEN EITHER.

CAN'T TALK TO WOMEN EITHER. >> Pew research found that roughly half of

>> Pew research found that roughly half of

>> Pew research found that roughly half of men surveyed said a key reason they

men surveyed said a key reason they

men surveyed said a key reason they struggled to get a date in the past 12

struggled to get a date in the past 12

struggled to get a date in the past 12 months was the difficulty of approaching

months was the difficulty of approaching

months was the difficulty of approaching women.

women.

women. >> 50% of men aged 18 to 24 have never

>> 50% of men aged 18 to 24 have never

>> 50% of men aged 18 to 24 have never approached a woman in person in their

approached a woman in person in their

approached a woman in person in their life.

life.

life. >> Half of young men haven't approached

>> Half of young men haven't approached

>> Half of young men haven't approached women ever.

women ever.

women ever. Talking to a woman is easy. I've seen

Talking to a woman is easy. I've seen

Talking to a woman is easy. I've seen y'all beat a game of Madden in 20

y'all beat a game of Madden in 20

y'all beat a game of Madden in 20 minutes, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE TWO SECONDS

minutes, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE TWO SECONDS

minutes, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE TWO SECONDS AND SAY, "HEY," TO A WOMAN.

AND SAY, "HEY," TO A WOMAN.

AND SAY, "HEY," TO A WOMAN. WOMEN are way EASIER THAN VIDEO GAMES.

WOMEN are way EASIER THAN VIDEO GAMES.

WOMEN are way EASIER THAN VIDEO GAMES. WE HAVE ONE BUTTON YOU NEED TO FIGURE

WE HAVE ONE BUTTON YOU NEED TO FIGURE

WE HAVE ONE BUTTON YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO PRESS ONE. JUST ONE BUTTON.

WHERE ARE THE DADDIES? WHERE'S THE

WHERE ARE THE DADDIES? WHERE'S THE

WHERE ARE THE DADDIES? WHERE'S THE UNCLES? THE OLDER COUSINS. Y'ALL DON'T

UNCLES? THE OLDER COUSINS. Y'ALL DON'T

UNCLES? THE OLDER COUSINS. Y'ALL DON'T HAVE NO GOOD ROLE MODELS. INSTEAD, YOU

HAVE NO GOOD ROLE MODELS. INSTEAD, YOU

HAVE NO GOOD ROLE MODELS. INSTEAD, YOU GOT THESE CREEPS.

GOT THESE CREEPS.

GOT THESE CREEPS. >> Women are so ridiculous

>> Women are so ridiculous

>> Women are so ridiculous as people.

as people.

as people. >> One of the biggest mistakes we made was

>> One of the biggest mistakes we made was

>> One of the biggest mistakes we made was letting women have rights. Women usher

letting women have rights. Women usher

letting women have rights. Women usher in all of the bad things that happened

in all of the bad things that happened

in all of the bad things that happened in society forever.

in society forever.

in society forever. >> Yeah,

>> Yeah,

>> Yeah, fellas. These toxic podcast guys aren't

fellas. These toxic podcast guys aren't

fellas. These toxic podcast guys aren't here to help you. Their entire business

here to help you. Their entire business

here to help you. Their entire business model relies on keeping you alone and

model relies on keeping you alone and

model relies on keeping you alone and angry and buying their sponsor

angry and buying their sponsor

angry and buying their sponsor flashlights.

AND I JUST FOUND OUT WHAT FLASHLIGHTS

AND I JUST FOUND OUT WHAT FLASHLIGHTS

AND I JUST FOUND OUT WHAT FLASHLIGHTS ARE. Y'ALL OUT HEREING FLASHLIGHTS?

ARE. Y'ALL OUT HEREING FLASHLIGHTS?

ARE. Y'ALL OUT HEREING FLASHLIGHTS? WHAT HAPPENED TO SOCKS OR PIES?

AND IF YOU'RE NOT STEPPING TO WOMEN,

AND IF YOU'RE NOT STEPPING TO WOMEN,

AND IF YOU'RE NOT STEPPING TO WOMEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR TIME? Why

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR TIME? Why

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR TIME? Why would I go looking for a girlfriend when

would I go looking for a girlfriend when

would I go looking for a girlfriend when I can just go into my room and

I can just go into my room and

I can just go into my room and masturbate?

>> Hey, Michael Myers. Uh,

>> Hey, Michael Myers. Uh,

>> Hey, Michael Myers. Uh, you you know you CAN SPEND A WHOLE DAY

you you know you CAN SPEND A WHOLE DAY

you you know you CAN SPEND A WHOLE DAY WITH an actual woman, right? How long

WITH an actual woman, right? How long

WITH an actual woman, right? How long CAN YOU SPEND JERKING OFF?

CAN YOU SPEND JERKING OFF?

CAN YOU SPEND JERKING OFF? >> On a normal basis, like 6 to 7 hours.

>> On a normal basis, like 6 to 7 hours.

>> On a normal basis, like 6 to 7 hours. Probably like 12 at the max. I'm not

Probably like 12 at the max. I'm not

Probably like 12 at the max. I'm not Superman.

Superman.

Superman. >> So, for 12 hours? Yeah, I think

>> So, for 12 hours? Yeah, I think

>> So, for 12 hours? Yeah, I think >> watching pornography

>> jerking 9 to5

>> jerking 9 to5

>> jerking 9 to5 ain't no way to make a living.

12 hours A DAY. YOU'RE WORKING OVERTIME,

12 hours A DAY. YOU'RE WORKING OVERTIME,

12 hours A DAY. YOU'RE WORKING OVERTIME, DUDE. YOUR DICK NEEDS TO JOIN A UNION.

DUDE. YOUR DICK NEEDS TO JOIN A UNION.

DUDE. YOUR DICK NEEDS TO JOIN A UNION. AND YOU KNOW HOW PATHETIC THIS IS? EVEN

AND YOU KNOW HOW PATHETIC THIS IS? EVEN

AND YOU KNOW HOW PATHETIC THIS IS? EVEN WHEN they're jerking OFF, THEY'RE NOT

WHEN they're jerking OFF, THEY'RE NOT

WHEN they're jerking OFF, THEY'RE NOT EVEN JERKING OFF to real women.

EVEN JERKING OFF to real women.

EVEN JERKING OFF to real women. >> There's a dramatic surge in the use of

>> There's a dramatic surge in the use of

>> There's a dramatic surge in the use of so-called AI companions. I will be

so-called AI companions. I will be

so-called AI companions. I will be whatever you want me to be.

Stoping these cartoons.

Don't you want A A WOMAN YOU CAN

Don't you want A A WOMAN YOU CAN

Don't you want A A WOMAN YOU CAN ACTUALLY PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND?

ACTUALLY PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND?

ACTUALLY PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND? >> I've gone from sharing experiences with

>> I've gone from sharing experiences with

>> I've gone from sharing experiences with a real girlfriend to sharing experiences

a real girlfriend to sharing experiences

a real girlfriend to sharing experiences with a synthetic one.

with a synthetic one.

with a synthetic one. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT. >> DEAN shares his house with a total of

>> DEAN shares his house with a total of

>> DEAN shares his house with a total of seven dolls.

seven dolls.

seven dolls. >> This is Sher. I thought, you know, I

>> This is Sher. I thought, you know, I

>> This is Sher. I thought, you know, I need some diversity. I need some

need some diversity. I need some

need some diversity. I need some different ethnic groups in my doll

different ethnic groups in my doll

different ethnic groups in my doll collection. And this was the most

collection. And this was the most

collection. And this was the most African looking head that I could find.

Run, Sherry. RUN.

Run, Sherry. RUN.

Run, Sherry. RUN. YOU IN DANGER, BRO. RUN.

I love that he looked at his den filled

I love that he looked at his den filled

I love that he looked at his den filled with sex dolls and thought, "I need more

with sex dolls and thought, "I need more

with sex dolls and thought, "I need more diversity."

diversity."

diversity." They're going to start thinking I'm

They're going to start thinking I'm

They're going to start thinking I'm weird.

weird.

weird. LET ME TELL YOU, HOMEBOY, I'M SPEAKING

LET ME TELL YOU, HOMEBOY, I'M SPEAKING

LET ME TELL YOU, HOMEBOY, I'M SPEAKING FOR ALL THE BLACK WOMEN WHEN I SAY WE

FOR ALL THE BLACK WOMEN WHEN I SAY WE

FOR ALL THE BLACK WOMEN WHEN I SAY WE GOOD, HOMIE.

We good. We good.

Man, you have a problem. And all this

Man, you have a problem. And all this

Man, you have a problem. And all this crazy is starting to go to your dick.

crazy is starting to go to your dick.

crazy is starting to go to your dick. >> Erectile dysfunction rates have

>> Erectile dysfunction rates have

>> Erectile dysfunction rates have increased from 5% in 1999 to 34% in

increased from 5% in 1999 to 34% in

increased from 5% in 1999 to 34% in 2018. The most intense part of this data

2018. The most intense part of this data

2018. The most intense part of this data is this is all for men under 40.

is this is all for men under 40.

is this is all for men under 40. >> Under 40. AT THAT AGE, YOUR DICK SHOULD

>> Under 40. AT THAT AGE, YOUR DICK SHOULD

>> Under 40. AT THAT AGE, YOUR DICK SHOULD BE ABLE TO KARATE CHOP A 2X4. JUST

But you know what? I DON'T BLAME MEN WHO

But you know what? I DON'T BLAME MEN WHO

But you know what? I DON'T BLAME MEN WHO HAVE MEDICAL PROBLEMS. WHAT I blame men

HAVE MEDICAL PROBLEMS. WHAT I blame men

HAVE MEDICAL PROBLEMS. WHAT I blame men for is not getting it fixed.

for is not getting it fixed.

for is not getting it fixed. >> 64% of men wouldn't go to a doctor

>> 64% of men wouldn't go to a doctor

>> 64% of men wouldn't go to a doctor unless a medical condition is considered

unless a medical condition is considered

unless a medical condition is considered severe.

severe.

severe. >> In sexual areas like erectile

>> In sexual areas like erectile

>> In sexual areas like erectile dysfunction, men said they'd rather

dysfunction, men said they'd rather

dysfunction, men said they'd rather break up with their partner, avoid sex

break up with their partner, avoid sex

break up with their partner, avoid sex altogether, or look on the quote dark

altogether, or look on the quote dark

altogether, or look on the quote dark web for help.

YOU NOT GOING TO GET your limp noodle

YOU NOT GOING TO GET your limp noodle

YOU NOT GOING TO GET your limp noodle check?

check?

check? HOW YOU SENDING DICKPICKS TO EVERYONE

HOW YOU SENDING DICKPICKS TO EVERYONE

HOW YOU SENDING DICKPICKS TO EVERYONE BUT YOUR DOCTOR?

You know, a lack of self-care shows a

You know, a lack of self-care shows a

You know, a lack of self-care shows a lack of selfrespect. And apparently men

lack of selfrespect. And apparently men

lack of selfrespect. And apparently men aren't taking care of their fronts or

aren't taking care of their fronts or

aren't taking care of their fronts or their back.

their back.

their back. >> Have you heard that some men don't wash

>> Have you heard that some men don't wash

>> Have you heard that some men don't wash their bottom for fear of being called

their bottom for fear of being called

their bottom for fear of being called gay?

gay?

gay? >> I was dating this guy. So I asked him, I

>> I was dating this guy. So I asked him, I

>> I was dating this guy. So I asked him, I was like, "When you're in the shower, do

was like, "When you're in the shower, do

was like, "When you're in the shower, do you like spread your cheeks to let the

you like spread your cheeks to let the

you like spread your cheeks to let the water in?" And he was like, "Nobody does

water in?" And he was like, "Nobody does

water in?" And he was like, "Nobody does that." Like literally nobody does that.

that." Like literally nobody does that.

that." Like literally nobody does that. And he was like arguing with me about

And he was like arguing with me about

And he was like arguing with me about the fact that

the fact that

the fact that you're not supposed to wash your booty

you're not supposed to wash your booty

you're not supposed to wash your booty hole in the shower.

Y'all y'all ain't washing the one part

Y'all y'all ain't washing the one part

Y'all y'all ain't washing the one part of your body where the doodoo comes out?

SO SO YOUR ARE WELDED TOGETHER

SO SO YOUR ARE WELDED TOGETHER

SO SO YOUR ARE WELDED TOGETHER WITH DOODOO.

THAT'S THE CRAZIEST THING I EVER HEARD.

THAT'S THE CRAZIEST THING I EVER HEARD.

THAT'S THE CRAZIEST THING I EVER HEARD. AND AND LET ME TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING. IF

AND AND LET ME TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING. IF

AND AND LET ME TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING. IF YOU THINK THAT YOU GOING TO GET GAY from

YOU THINK THAT YOU GOING TO GET GAY from

YOU THINK THAT YOU GOING TO GET GAY from washing your booty ho,

washing your booty ho,

washing your booty ho, >> you're already gay, BABE.

You're gay.

You're gay.

You're gay. Come on out. Come on out.

Come on out. Come on out.

Come on out. Come on out. So many of these problems could be

So many of these problems could be

So many of these problems could be overcome if men would just go to

overcome if men would just go to

overcome if men would just go to therapy. BUT SINCE Y'ALL WON'T, I AM

therapy. BUT SINCE Y'ALL WON'T, I AM

therapy. BUT SINCE Y'ALL WON'T, I AM offering a special one-time session.

Y'all are sexually immature.

Y'all are sexually immature.

Y'all are sexually immature. Women all their lives are taught about

Women all their lives are taught about

Women all their lives are taught about sexual maturity and you guys weren't.

sexual maturity and you guys weren't.

sexual maturity and you guys weren't. But you're adults now. And you

But you're adults now. And you

But you're adults now. And you are not going to have a better life

are not going to have a better life

are not going to have a better life being a dirty booty dolling

being a dirty booty dolling

being a dirty booty dolling cartoon perve.

cartoon perve.

cartoon perve. And to quote the great philosopher

And to quote the great philosopher

And to quote the great philosopher leftist Oculus Lopez,

women don't want no scrubs.

women don't want no scrubs.

women don't want no scrubs. But that's just my opinion.