Original subtitles

Hold on a second.

Hey there.

Hey.

You don't trust me?

What, am I a fool?

You're not going to look like an idiot. If anyone looks like an idiot, it's me.

Slap me, I've been naughty.

Oh, wow.

All right, tell me I'm not going to get any dessert.

You're not getting any dessert. What?

And you're banned from TV and Internet for a week.

Tell me I can't watch Game of Thrones.

What? Just tell me.

You're banned from watching Game of Thrones, you little shit!

All right, good, good, good, good, good. Yeah, tell me I run down the whole

lineup of HBO Sunday night shows.

You're banned from watching Girl!

No!

And Weed!

No more Bored to Death!

They canceled Bored to Death.

Oh, um... No more Boardwalk Empire!

Bullshit! Ride that shit!

Ride that shit! Ride that shit like evil can evil!

Ride it!

Hey, Victoria, it's Sunday night. You want to watch some HBO?

Would you pay me more?

I wasn't planning on it.

No!

Just running a little behind. I'll be there soon.

I'm going to say how Corinne is a big movie fan.

Yeah, I make it a point to see all the Oscar -nominated movies every year.

Well, that's great. Do you have any favorites?

Let's see.

Well, I'm going to have to break it down genre by genre.

Family Up is a really good family film. I cried.

Oh, my God, you cried.

We did, like, the first minute.

Did you?

I had to pick my favorite action and be Saving Private Ryan. Classic. So

visceral. A lot of guys like action films, but I do too.

Mitch, you love Saving Private Ryan. He does?

Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. A lot of things in common. I think we watched it together maybe. I just

think it's really disappointing how in so many movies they use sex in such a

gratuitous fashion.

It's really, really tasteless.

No, I couldn't agree more.

And the film industry thinks we want to see tits in every other scene to be

satisfied. It's ridiculous.

Am I right? Thank you. Well, that's one point we don't agree on.

Just the one.

Well, yeah.

No, I'm going to run to the bathroom.

How you doing tonight?

Good, good, thank you.

So?

I'm doing great. What the fuck, man?

Excuse me.

You're looking at Corinne like she's some kind of leper.

I'm not looking to get set up, okay? You insist.

It's the only reason I'm here. Yeah, you're in the goddamn bathroom.

Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong with the bathroom? He didn't mean anything by it.

I'm sorry. You gotta get your shit together, man.

You can't keep living like this.

How's he living?

Yeah, how am I living?

You've got real issues.

Like what?

Like having to get up in the middle of dinner and come in here and rub one out.

I knew that.

Yep, that's what I thought.

JP, I'm trying here, man. I just, I don't want to be here. You're on the app

again, aren't you? What app? You know what the fuck app I'm talking about? The

sex app. Sir, sir, please keep... God damn it!

You were so fucking intrusive for a bathroom attendant.

Is there a sex app? Well, I mean, yeah, it just kind of connects you with other

people looking to get it in. I heard about this. Yeah, my cousin was talking

about this. Oh, man, I got to get on that.

Fuck. You'd clean up. You should.

I actually just made a connection. There we go. No, no, no.

Do not bail out on me. You cannot do this to me.

Tell her I'm not feeling well if you want to go with IBS. I'm fine with that.

Mitch, Mitch, Mitch. I'm sorry, man.

What shop is it? Is it this one?

What was the name of that? I don't know, man. Could you give me one of those

little... Are those eye drops or mints? Oh, these are mints and eye drops. I

have both. Whatever you need. This is sort of a weird thing to say.

Okay. But I feel like I could imagine what I would do.

Oh, wow.

That's amazing.

They were really cute. Yeah.

And smart.

Where's Mitch?

Are you familiar with IBF?

housing.

Sure, you can buy me a drink.

Good to know.

Is that how you treat a lady who shows interest?

You asked for a free drink. You didn't show interest.

Were you expecting a blowjob right out of the gate?

Offering something would indicate more interest than asking for something.

You don't want to get to know each other first?

Should I buy you a drink or prefer the blowjob?

Fine, I'll start.

My name is Victoria.

And I moved here two years ago after I graduated from Stanford.

I'm currently reading a book on Gandhi.

I continue to sleep on my stomach no matter how many times my chiropractor

me not to. You shouldn't do that. And I call bullshit on anyone suddenly

becoming allergic to gluten in the last five years.

Liars.

You must be Miss Juicy 34.

What?

From the sex app, Climax.

See, you're not here to have sex with me.

Uh, I don't know what you're talking about, but, um, it's a thousand for the

hour, three for the night.

You're a hooker. I didn't beg you.

I'm an escort.

Yeah, you escort men's penises inside you for money.

Fuck you.

Look, you're barking up the wrong tree, all right? I couldn't afford you anyway.

Well, then maybe dress in your tax bracket and don't come to swanky hotels.

For your information, this is all H &M. And I'm here to meet a girl. Yeah, from

a sex app.

Pervert. Pervert? You're the hooker.

Escort. Is your name even Victorian?

What do you think?

For what it's worth, everything else I told you is true.

Yeah, even the Stanford thing?

Everything.

Who are you?

Fine. I need the obituary for Dr. Filler and Elaine Ackerton. Yeah, got that

right here.

Um, Filler, Ackerton.

There you go.

I can always count on you, Mitch.

And hey, can you stop by my office in about ten?

I want to run something by you. Yeah, sure. Is it about getting new computers?

Because I think that would really boost morale.

There is no easy way to say this.

But you know how you're currently an employee of the company?

Yeah, I do.

You're not going to be when you leave this office.

But you just said everything was all right.

Interesting.

I just needed you to come to my office, and I didn't want you to think I was

firing you. But I'm the best journalist you have on the team. You even said to

me last week, Mitch, you're the best journalist we have on the team, so I'm

a little confused as to where... If it makes you feel any better, this decision

had nothing to do with Merritt.

Uh, then... Then what?

If I let Patty go, here comes the ageism lawsuit.

If I fire Donnell...

You can connect the dots.

And I was very clear about not fucking the interns.

You know, that guy's a slimy fucking bastard. He's lucky I don't rip his head

off.

I told him not to act like a big swinging dick with you around or you'd

right back up his ass.

Yeah, right. Hey, Don, you've met my cousin Mitch, right?

The sex addict dude?

Yep.

Just taking a little survey.

Well, have fun with that.

Thanks, bud. I'll talk to you soon.

That how you like being known?

The only reason that's my rap is because you tell people that.

How do you think small talk works? When there's an awkward silence, what else do

you expect me to say?

Like anything else.

Seriously, anything else.

You know, I used to think any guy would be a sex addict if he could, and now

that I know one, it's real, and it is scary.

Luke, are we getting lunch or what?

I'm just saying, Mitch, you're 27 years old, you're unemployed, no money, no

girlfriend, you don't talk to anyone anymore.

I'm talking to you right now, aren't I?

There are 20 billion people in the world.

I don't think that's true.

Mitch, I'm your only friend.

Do you know how much pressure that puts me under?

Look, man, I don't get on your ass for going to all those dubstep concerts

you're way too old for. I'm right in the middle of the demographic!

Okay, what you did to me and Alex the other night really made us look bad. And

the Mitch I used to know would never have bailed like that.

Clearly you've got something going on. If you're not working right now, maybe

it's time to get some help.

Are you hungry? Yeah, that's why I'm here. You said let's get lunch. Why do

keep putting?

Because you kept putting on your tie.

I don't have to tell you how tough it is in the newspaper business right now.

Our only hope is that something should happen to the Internet.

Something like, say, a solar flare or something that knocks out all the

electricity.

Then we'd be in business.

We can only hope.

So is there, like, a job opening?

Nothing.

Our numbers are tight as is, unless... you could work for free I don't really

see how we would make it work you won't work for free will you

no

This is Mission magazine.

We don't cover obituaries and local interest.

Right. Well, sure, I covered obituaries, but I also wrote features for other

sections as well. They're on there.

Finding the right gastroenterologist for you.

Believe it or not, a reader wrote in actually saying how that article saved

life. So, I mean, I kind of feel good about that one.

You know what? Thanks for coming in, but I just don't think I see anything here

that indicates your sensibilities would resonate with our readers. But give it.

Well, thanks.

Thanks for your time.

You know what?

Just give me a shot.

I'll write something on spec, something your audience would actually read.

What do you have to lose?

I have an open position, but I've got two writers writing something for it. So

can throw you into the mix, but you are going to need to write something that I

can actually print.

I can't publish.

what using the semicolon says about you. Yeah, no, no more semicolons. We're

going to write something interesting here.

Should I leave this here? No, I think I've seen enough.

Why you make me track you down like a criminal?

Junior, hey!

No, I was just about to stop by your apartment. You stopped nowhere.

Rent is due by the end of the week, and you still haven't paid me food for last

month. And I was just about to... Look, I'm not going to play this game with you

no more, Cabal.

You pay the rent by Friday, or I'll evict you, and I take whatever stuff you

have in there.

The louche.

Nice to me.

That's expensive stuff.

If you can afford me coconuts, like some prince, you can afford to pay the rent.

So I assume I'm not going to see that back, or... It's yours. Yep.

Hey, man, do you happen to know a regular here by the name Victoria? She

around a lot.

You a cop?

Do I look like a cop?

Because if you're a cop, you've got to tell me.

I mean, I don't think that's true, but no, I'm not a cop.

Prove it.

I mean, I just said I'm not a cop. I don't know what more I can do.

You know, certain women, they have their clients take out their junk just to

prove that they're not a cop.

So why don't you show me a ball?

That should do it.

I'm not going to take my balls out in the middle of the bar, man.

I said one ball.

Look, this is getting weird. Can you just tell me if Victoria... We're going

pay for this.

You're not going to pay for this?

Victoria.

Or whatever your real name is.

Oh, God.

Are you like one of those guys that's seen Pretty Woman too many times?

I've never seen Pretty Woman.

I don't believe you.

Of course I've seen Pretty Woman. Who hasn't seen Pretty Woman? Here in

at the Twine. It's a great movie.

Wait, I just have to ask you something.

Look, I'm not trying to save you or sleep with you, for that matter. All I

to do is write a story. An interesting one. I think you have one. Well, that's

great. So my family can find out I'm an escort in some idiot's Tumblr. No, no,

no. Look, it's not for a blog.

It's for, like, a legit magazine.

Well, let me see a card.

Well, I don't technically work for them yet. This is my application piece.

You're full of shit.

Usual. Vodka, rocks, two limes.

This guy's a cop.

You're a cop? I'm not a cop.

He was in here earlier.

He wouldn't show his nuts.

That's a tell. What?

How is that a tell?

Because you didn't do it.

Let's get to my dear turn, please.

I know you have to have your guard up doing what you do, but I'm a decent guy.

I swear.

I just lost my job working at this newspaper, and I'm trying to land this

this magazine.

All I want to do is tell an interesting story, and I think you have one.

Yeah? What story would that be?

You know, you're a Stanford -educated... Escort.

Yeah. Sure.

We can take that angle if you want. All right, buddy. Look, I'm not interested

in being your hooker with a heart of gold or being some pity piece about how

system failed me or whatever bullshit angle you're taking. Look, I'm not apt

make you look bad. Just let me follow you around for like a week or two. You

won't even notice I'm there.

No. Final answer. Sorry.

Wait, just here.

Yes, record me there. Take that in case you change your mind.

Think about it.

I'm so into you, baby.

I'm getting wet just thinking about what you're going to do.

Hey,

I said no kissing. I'm not going to say it again. Come on, baby.

I could be your boyfriend.

No, stop it. It's over, asshole.

Don't be such a goddamn bitch.

No, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I'm getting what I paid for.

Need a bit of a favor.

Hey, I swear to God, I can't fucking do this anymore.

Why? What happened?

I'm fine. I'm just, like, a little bit rattled.

Fucking scumbag.

What, did he try to stick up in that beautiful ass again?

Just a drunk, coked -out bullshit.

I still think my ass is beautiful.

It's a dangerous world out there.

You ever think about getting back with Sebastian?

Hell no. I don't want a pimp. It makes it feel way too real.

Plus, that fucker took half my money and I did all the work.

Well, what happened tonight would not happen if you had someone there with

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah.

Maybe. Hey, you find a parking spot okay?

I actually walked here. I don't have a car.

You don't have a car in L .A.? Yeah, or any other city. I don't have a car.

Speaking of, nice one. I like it.

Thanks.

Is that, like, an environmental issue, or...? No, my life's just pretty

contained to this area, so... I don't need a car.

So what made you come around?

Does it matter? You seem really desperate and thick. Just be glad I'm

you do this.

Huh.

A charity case.

I'll take it.

So are you from around here, or...? Don't you have something to write this

with? No, I just prefer to listen.

Oh, God. Are you like one of those waiters who doesn't write anything down

then fucks the order all up?

Uh, no.

I'm like one of those waiters who doesn't write anything down and gets it

right. By the way...

No names, places, pictures, nothing that can tie me to this article or I will

rip your balls off. I don't even know your real name.

Where are we going, anyway?

I have an 11 o 'clock.

In the morning?

Hey, Ruth, I'm so sorry I'm late. Oh, no problem, Natalie. Jared's waiting in

the kitchen. Did you hear that, Natalie?

Jared's waiting in the kitchen, Natalie.

And who's there? Oh, hi, I'm Mitch. A friend from out of town. He has nothing

do today because he has no friends.

Also, he's a little low.

Do you mind if we hang out here for the hour?

Oh, bless his heart. Of course. Come in.

Thanks. Hey, this is weird.

Who's Jared? Her 10 -year -old son.

She's going to have sex with her 10 -year -old son?

This is weird. You know what? I can't do this. Shut up. Pretend you don't exist

and shut the door.

For the record, I'm not comfortable with this.

Great. So what do all these equations have in common?

So why do you tutor when you're pulling in over a thousand bucks a night?

Escorts have family members that ask questions, too.

Believe it or not, I actually enjoy teaching.

You know, my tutor was a 300 -pound guy whose breath smelled like salami.

Lovely.

How do you get into this in the first place?

Don't do that.

Do what? Don't ask questions.

How am I supposed to do my job, then?

Just don't make it feel like an interview, you know? Let's just be flat.

You do our front, right?

Yeah, and I ask them questions when I want to know things. Dad, I can already

tell you're going to be so fucking annoying.

Come here, two carrots, two cups of azucar beans.

My baby, she knows how to keep that bigger than me.

That would be cute, babe.

Why is more of that cute?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's for you.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, guys, please stop having sex. We have company.

Hi, babe.

Hey, babe.

Hey! Dominic, Dana, this is Mitch. Mitch. Hey.

My friend. Hey. Hey,

Mitch. What did you think of my song?

It was, uh, inspiring.

Rock on.

Dominic's going to be the next Bob Dylan and John Mayer and Bruno Mars or

something. Certainly a wide range.

Mm -hmm.

Hey, thanks, man.

Appreciate that.

Means a lot.

You guys should totally stay for lunch.

Yeah.

Shit. Yeah. I just ate.

I'm really full, which is unfortunate because this all looks delicious, but...

So the night car, the downtown loft, is this all you or did your

parents... Have money when you were growing up? They help you out? What's

on here?

Single mom, high school teacher.

What about your dad?

Never met him.

I'm still having trouble kind of wrapping my head around you. I mean,

great school, got a great education. You're not awful looking.

Just don't understand.

Come on, you've got to give me something.

After graduation, I had to get a job that paid enough to put a dent in my

student loans. I checked off all the boxes.

Okay, well, there are plenty of normal jobs that pay well, right? Yeah, not

this. Once I hit a certain number, I'll call it quits.

I've got some ideas of what I want to do, but for now, this is it.

Number? What kind of number are we talking about?

Last year, I made $213 ,000 tax -free.

I figure at that rate, another two and a half years...

And I'll have the flexibility to do what I want.

Holy shit.

Gotta get ready.

Don't be so shocked.

So, tell me about yourself.

Who is Mitchell Cooper?

Can't we just be, like, friends and, like, hang out and chill and not ask

questions? Hey, asshole.

I don't sound like that.

What do you want to know?

I don't know.

Anything, whatever.

Just people with normalized sex, maybe.

Normal. Is that what you think of me?

I don't know.

Let's see. Well, I worked at the Los Angeles Review.

I mostly wrote for the obituary section.

That's kind of cool. I'm like a gothic loner kind of way.

I don't know. I kind of enjoy finding the best possible combination of words

tell someone's story, you know?

I like it when I read the obituary and I look at the picture of the person

smiling.

Looking all happy, and you forget about the pancreatic cancer, or whatever shit

happened.

It's nice.

Is it me up?

Um... Yeah. Sure.

Yeah,

um...

Sipped up.

If you're going to be seen with me, I can't have you wearing that.

What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

You look like Mr. Rogers.

What?

I look like a band member from Jesse and the Rippers from Full House.

That's what.

I think you look hip and handsome. I think you're wrong.

In a Robin Thicke video?

A little bit.

If you're going to be singing with me, this is what you're wearing.

You just get a couple different colored t -shirts. You rotate them around. It'll

be like a whole new outfit.

The chain looks great on you. It does.

You can wait at the bar until I rent a client.

Don't leave. When I do get somebody, I'm going to go to room 1516. Just wait in

the hall until I'm done.

Remember, you're a ghost.

But if I do summon you, you may engage me.

Engage you?

What are you, the NSA?

Do I look like I'm laughing?

On the outside, no, but maybe on the inside?

No. Okay.

Have a drink? No.

Would you pay to have sex with me?

I thought we've already been through this. I can't afford you.

I know, but, like, am I fucking hot enough?

Oh, when the pros need a pep talk once in a while, huh?

I mean, yeah, you're hot.

Bullshit. What, you don't think it's possible for me to enjoy the sex?

Not to that degree, and certainly not with a guy like that.

I gotta have something for them to come back for. I mean, it's all about

generating regulars.

What, you think those artificial orgasm noises is what brings them back?

Did I get rave reviews?

I'll be sure to check out your Yelp page when I get home.

Oh, you should.

Five stars.

He's texting so much. Girlfriend?

No, just... people.

Alright, meet me here tomorrow, 10am.

Alright.

Hey.

Seriously, thanks for doing this.

Ride's on me.

It's nice of them to give me a complimentary tea.

So do you have a pimp, or do you do all your own bookings?

All generated by yours truly.

An entrepreneur.

Why go pimpless?

They take too much of the pie for what they're worth.

But isn't it, like, dangerous for you to be out there all alone?

I'm not going to answer another question until you man up and get a pedicure.

No, I'm not going to get a pedicure. I've never had a pedicure before. I'm

going to get a pedicure.

Hey, do manicures come with it?

No, that's extra. Would you like one?

Well, let's figure since we're here, right?

Right. One -stop shopping sort of thing.

No polish, though. No, of course not. No polish.

Yeah, it varies. Anywhere from two to eight guys a week.

Most of them are regulars.

Wait, let's just back up a little bit. How do you even get into this in the

first place?

Well, Dana had just started working and she was making all this money while I

was barely covering the rest of the tutoring.

And, um, one night she took me to a club and introduced me to a pimp.

Oh, so you did have a pimp at one point.

Yes.

Yeah,

for a minute. Fuck.

He gave me the $900 price tag and called over one of his clients. And before I

knew it, his client came over and pulls out a lot of cash and puts it right in

front of me.

You tell yourself that you would never do something like that for money.

But when it's staring at you right in the face...

Come on.

Let's play another game.

Another day where I kick your ass. All right, this is unfair.

I don't have this version. I've got two years ago.

Well, aren't you guys in a celebratory mood?

Celebrating Benny's promotion, huh? You little prick, right? Now, I bet he has

sucked more dick than you to get where you are. Right there, Benny. Right?

Come on, relax.

Sweet tits, okay? We're just having some fun, all right? Let's have another

shot.

Whoa, whoa, group, group table here.

Shut the fuck up, Benny, all right? Drink your drink, all right? She can

it. She can take pretty much anything I can give her, right, huh?

You fucking slut.

You know how many clocks you would have to sit on to pay for a shirt like that?

Something going on over here?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mind your own fucking business, pal, okay?

No, he's not going to mind his own business because he's my bodyguard. And

you don't shut the fuck up, he's going to beat the crap out of you.

Oh, wow.

Tough guy.

You heard her.

If you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to...

I'm going to get the fuck out of here.

Fuck this.

Wait, wait.

Wait. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, wait, wait, wait. What, are you using me?

Like some sort of pimp? Okay, we're using each other. You get what you want,

I get what I want. I can't beat up five guys. I'm not Bruce Lee.

They're all taught that I can actually do anything.

Probably.

Think how great your article will be.

Don't get me killed, okay?

Who keeps texting you?

People text. Friends text. I'm sure you text. Yeah, but that's like the text

frequency of a very desperate woman.

Hey, we're done here, right?

Yeah, I guess.

All right.

See you later.

Just like that.

Since when does a pimp have to explain anything to his hoe?

Planning on it.

Jones, stop.

Jones, stop. Jones, stop. Like I said, I'm not planning on it.

I only caught the end.

but I think you were doing a little too much. You followed me. Yeah, I followed

you. All that text messaging, you were giving me like a creepy drug pin vibe.

I need to know what it was, and now I know. No, a prostitute was worried about

being linked to a seedy underworld.

Yeah, if you're going to be in charge of my safety, I need to know that you're

not going to just sketch off and leave me with a potentially dangerous client.

I thought you said this wasn't going to be dangerous.

It's not going to be dangerous for you. I'm a sitting duck out there.

Look, you're my ticket to that job.

Okay, I'm not just going to leave you.

I just wanted to be clear. We're clear.

Perfect.

How'd you meet her?

Who?

The girl you had been told for the bathroom thing. I'm sure she had the

I'm sure she does, but I don't know it.

Okay, look, that app connected us.

All right, what do I care if she's on her shift break?

Is this a rare occurrence?

No.

This is fascinating.

Do you get tested?

Often. What's been your worst scare?

Hep B.

Hep C.

Seriously? Seriously.

But you're all like... Yeah, everything's fine. You?

Oh, I'm fine.

In a two -week wait. Holy shit, right?

Couldn't eat.

I couldn't sleep.

The worst part is going to that clinic and sitting all alone.

It's awful.

And the place smells like a funeral home.

The hung poster of the ethnically diverse FTD -free people just kind of

there. Yeah, what the fuck is that about?

Hey, I don't know what you're doing on Sunday, but I'm heading to my dad's

for dinner. You want me to meet your family?

Not my family. I mean, it's just my dad and my sister.

But, yeah, it'll be fun.

What's this really about?

What do you mean?

I thought it was poor form to bring your work home with you.

Well, you're our presentable piece of work.

Okay, look, my family thinks that I'm kind of like a big fuck -up.

And, well, you're smart, and pretty, and personable, and if I were to bring

someone like you home, then, you know, I think I'm getting my shit together.

You think I'm pretty?

But, uh... Jay, help me out.

I suppose I'll wear something paid for, girl -friendly.

But I'm not holding your hand, and you can't call me babe, or boo, or anything

that starts with a B.

Oh, my God, Monkey, you're gonna be great.

Don't even.

With all the time you're spending on this article, it better be good, man.

That's good, I think.

I don't know.

Wow. You sound super confident.

How far into it are you?

I'm still in the researching stage.

You going to tell me what it's about or what?

Nope.

Why? You're just going to be annoying about it.

Am I ever annoying?

Fine. It's some profile on some girl.

It's nothing.

And she's topical? Why?

Well, uh, she went to Stanford.

Second tier school, but... And, um, you know, men pay her for sex.

You're doing a profile on a prostitute?

Well, I don't want to get technical about it, I guess, but... Well, I do say

write what you know. What are you fucking doing?

You didn't tell me you were Bruce fucking Wayne.

Is this new money? Old money?

What's going on here?

My dad was a songwriter in the 70s.

Probably a bunch of classics that you've never heard of and none that I care to

remember.

Okay.

You look like Betty White's granddaughter.

Did you win your chess tournament?

I did, actually.

I look great.

Shit, how do I address the butler? I've never done this. I don't have a butler.

Adam, hey!

I was beginning to think you forgot about me. You? Come on.

Hey, I'm Natalie.

Holy shit, you're pretty.

Well, you're adorable yourself, little lady. But you're, like, so fucking

pretty.

You're, uh, you're so fucking pretty. I like her.

See, Dad's not getting on you about the cursing.

If he's going to make me play JV football, he's going to have to deal

cursing I'm exposed to.

Why is he making you play football?

Because Mitch quit when he was in high school and he doesn't want me ending up

like him.

Why? What's wrong with Mitch?

Dad says he's poor and will continue to be poor if he keeps working in a dying

industry. Wait here.

Home. I love it.

workout video these days.

Mitchell.

Dad, hey.

Yeah.

Yeah, you too.

You're wearing your contact lenses again, aren't you? Yeah.

You look a lot less anal without your glasses.

Thank you, I think.

And this must be?

I'm Natalie.

Gorgeous.

Just gorgeous.

I'm Charles. You have a beautiful home.

Yeah, it's all right.

It's been a while since Mitchell brought a girlfriend around here. How long you

two been dating?

Uh, four to six months. We average enough. The beginning is always weird.

it start with the first text message, the first kiss? First kiss.

Toast. Toast.

Monkey, why don't you write that down? First kiss.

Stanford.

That's impressive.

I knew a girl from Stanford once.

Twice, actually.

Natalie's running her own tutoring business.

Can you tutor me in biology?

My teacher's got it out for me. She's a grade A cunt.

Language. JV football.

I wish I could, but I only teach math.

Mitchell was never any good at math.

Emily here's a whiz. Look at that.

Ten minutes before putting me down.

It's a new record. Not everybody is good at the same things, Mitchell.

Dad doesn't think Mitch applies himself and says he looks to blame other people

for his problems.

I think Mitch is going to be just fine.

I've actually been reading the article that he's writing for that magazine, and

it's really good.

He's a great writer.

Well, that's great news, Mitchell.

What's it about?

The article.

Well,

you know when... How would I describe this?

It's about me.

And my business.

The learning habits of children and what motivates them and such.

Wow, can't wait to read that one.

No offense.

Yeah, no disrespect to your profession, Natalie, but it seems like if this is a

one -shot audition thing, why not just do something a little more, I don't

risque?

Well, I have a feeling if the article gets published, the risque will pop out.

Yeah. Hey.

Hey.

Pretty great, huh?

Yeah, you might want to hang on to that one.

Yeah.

Hey, do you mind if I, uh... Uh, sure.

What can I do for you?

So, you remember last week?

Do you remember last week when I was short on rent?

Well, since I'm not going to find out about this article for a few more weeks,

I'm going to be short next week, too.

Mitchell, you know that I don't mind helping you out, even though my

is begging me to stop enabling you. Well, it's just until I get this job.

the way, it's looking good, so I'm sure your therapist will be fine with that.

It's not just Dr.

Polanski.

No?

It's Crystal as well.

Who's Crystal? She's my astrologist. I'm sorry, you're what? My astrologist.

She says when Mercury is in retrograde, like it is right now, I can't do

anything financially. In fact, she's instructed me to freeze all my accounts

the month.

This is a lot of time.

I swear.

Mitchell, I'm sorry. I wish I could help you out.

Retrograde is retrograde.

Right.

Retrograde. Yeah.

Oh,

have you gone to any of those meetings that Dr. Polanski suggested for the sex?

No, I didn't. You really might want to go. He can help you.

I'm going to do that.

Okay. I love you.

Hey, just text this when you get picked up, all right?

I'll get a ride home from one of the girls.

Have fun. Thanks.

Hey, thanks for being so cool at dinner tonight.

I know my dad could be a little much.

No, they're cool.

I had fun.

Although, if you do get this job, don't tell your dad that I'm your prostitute

muse. It'll break his heart.

I really think he likes you.

Oh.

So, uh, you probably want to go home now.

What, are you kicking me out? No, no.

I'm saying, here's your out if you want it.

Yeah, what I want to do is I want to drink wine on the porch of that giant

fucking Scarface mansion. That's what I want to do.

Yeah, let's do that.

Why do you go to a bar to pick up guys?

Why don't you have, like, an online profile?

I'm not a fan of the internet.

No, it's trending downwards anyway, so I wouldn't worry about it.

No, really, why are you an escort?

I don't want to hear any bullshit about how bad the economy is.

You can do anything you want.

I can't get a job.

Bullshit. I don't believe that.

Okay, look, this is off the record.

What?

No, I'm serious. You cannot put this in the article.

Okay.

When I was a senior in college, I made a list of the guys that I had sex with in

school. And I put it into this PowerPoint presentation with pictures

like dick -sized estimates.

I mean, it was awesome.

And I forwarded it to a bunch of my girlfriends. It was a stupid joke.

Is there, like, a lot of guys on this list?

What's a lot?

I don't know, like, 20s, 30s.

There was a lot.

I was in college.

I enjoy sex, and I don't think that that is anything to be ashamed of.

But one of my asshole friends decides to forward it to one of her guy friends

who forwards it to one of his guy friends, and before you know it, it's

the major blogs, the Huffington Post.

Piers Morgan was... gracious enough to use me as an example on CNN in

his claim that our selfie generation is the demise of civilization as we know

it.

I remember reading about this.

That's me.

That's you.

Try getting a job when every Google search of your name has the word whore

to it.

I figure if I'm going to be called a whore.

I might as well get paid, Michael.

Sorry.

Everybody's got something, isn't it?

No, but that's like a big something.

Thanks, dick.

What's up?

Shit. Uh, we gotta go pick up Emily.

What happened?

The girls wouldn't stop calling me Icebox, and now I feel sick, too.

I just want to go home.

They called you what?

Icebox, the girl who plays football on the Little Giant.

Little Giant, that's pretty funny.

No, it's not funny at all.

Why are they so mean to me? What did I do wrong? You know what? I'm going to

something. Nobody bullies my little sister. No, I got this. No, you don't

to. No, I got this.

She looks like one tough motherfucker.

Language.

But yeah.

You're not what I expected.

Oh, shit.

What? That's the wrong house. Listen, you little bitch. I knew girls like you

high school, and you know what happened to them?

Come on.

You better get your shit together and stop picking on other girls. You don't

make yourself taller by standing on the toes of others. Got it?

Dad?

Yeah, go ahead.

Call your daddy. I'd like to have a word with him, too.

What? Hey, you're at the wrong house. Get back to the car. Wrong house. Get

to the car. Let's go.

My license expired five years ago.

I've got a ponytail and everything.

Why do I need to get away from you?

Isn't it wonderful, Tom?

Sure is.

Don't let those girls get to you.

I wish you were that easy.

I'm threatened by you.

You're on the football team, getting to spend all that intimate time with all

the cute guys that they have crushes on.

And they're not confident, so I'm trying to make you. You feel as sad as they

do.

You really think that?

Yep.

And if you let them get to you, then they've won.

You want

to

go to my bedroom?

My bedroom's upstairs if you want to go to sleep.

Yeah,

you can sleep up there. I'll sleep here on the couch.

Like we have to sleep in the same bedroom if your dad's gonna think we're

dating. I'm being a gentleman.

Don't be weird. I am not being weird. You don't have to be. I am being weird.

You need help there, Shrek?

It was really sweet what you did for Emily tonight.

Even if it meant making a harmless girl cry.

There are no harmless high school girls.

Really took charge.

Sometimes you ought to read a situation and take the bull by the horns.

When was the last time you kissed a guy off the job? I don't kiss guys on the

job. When was your last kiss?

I don't know. It's been a while.

Any new techniques I should know of?

Hey,

Mitch.

I want you to have this.

What is it?

I overheard your conversation with your dad. No, I can't take this. Take it.

You'll pay me back after you get your new job.

Just take it.

Hey, so what do you do now?

Run home, and then I have an appointment at the clinic.

You know the one over on Grand Avenue?

Yeah, yeah, I like that one.

Comfortable waiting room chairs over there. Yeah, they're a little worn for

liking, but not as bad as the one on Wilshire. Oh, those are bad.

Thank you.

Come inside.

So we can feel.

Your heart I will steal.

What would we know of the sentient life?

We'd only know, we'd only know the life.

And only once, and only once.

Every day when you're done.

What are you doing here?

You said how much you hated these places.

I don't want you to be alone.

How long you been here?

Hours.

Hitting the clinic, huh?

Quite a thoughtful gesture for a work associate.

I'm a, uh, I'm a good friend, you know?

Helping you build this desk, aren't I?

Yeah. Your dad know about this escort?

He's met her, yeah, but he doesn't, like, know what she does.

And you're not gonna tell him?

Nothing to tell if nothing's going on, right?

Look, man, I can just talk to her about things that I can't talk about with just

anyone. What's that mean? You can't talk to me about stuff?

She doesn't judge me, man.

Mitch, I don't judge.

I observe.

And I think it's great that you got a new buddy.

But why not bond with someone who's in the world of Warcraft or Sudoku or water

parks? Anything other than sex with dudes for money.

That's dangerous.

Why are you standing?

You call me over here to help you build a desk, and I'm doing all the work.

I help you sometimes.

When?

Like, last week, I gave you a fully loaded iPod. That was a first generation

with a bunch of Celtic music on it. I don't even know what I'm going to do

that. Listen to it. Go for a fucking jog.

I can't.

It's very browsing music. Where are you going?

You know what? Like, every time we hang out, all you do is just point out my

problems. Well, here's your problem, man. You're an asshole.

I don't feel the need to tell you that every single day.

What the? Mitch, I can't do these kinds of things.

What is this?

Why don't you have a seat, Mitch?

We just want to talk to you.

About what?

Mitch, take a seat.

If you can stand, if you're more comfortable like that. This is for you.

Why is Junior here? Why is my landlord here?

They needed me for a lock apartment.

I asked, what for?

They tell me, I'm here to support.

What did they tell you?

That you have a problem that's been taking over your life for years?

Even though you think you don't hurt people, you do.

So, J .P., you've staged an intervention.

There's four people here. Typically, there's more than four.

Well, that's part of the problem.

These are the only people that care enough to show up.

You couldn't even get Allie here? No. Thursday tennis lessons.

That she missed last week, which turned into this thing. J .P. told me about the

sex app.

thing or whatever.

This is just getting out of hand, son.

Mitch, you have to stop the drinking.

It hurts the people you love, who love you back so much.

I'm, uh, not an alcoholic.

Drugs.

That's even worse.

My son is addicted to sex.

What? I think we got it from here, bud. Thank you.

Son, I think it's time that you get serious about getting some real help.

I'm sorry. You sick? He's addicted to sex?

As if it's a bad thing. We all care about you, Mitch.

We all just want to see you get better.

And what have I ever done to you?

Whenever I plan to visit you, you cancel last minute.

You've been home like four weekends in the past two years.

You always say you're there for me, but you're never actually there.

Mitchell, it doesn't matter how you ended up here.

The important thing is where you go from here.

How I ended up here. You want to use this weak -ass intervention to figure

how I ended up here. Crystal says... Fuck, Crystal.

Hell, I'm surprised you're even here.

Shouldn't you be out walking the Great Wall or hanging out with some energy

-healing voodoo master?

But you know what I do remember? I remember my high school graduation.

So you're not being there because you're a fucking burning man.

No, Mitch. This is bullshit.

Come on, man.

We didn't even... This was just the intro part.

This six up.

How you six?

Six up? Just... Not a man.

You know.

I'm going to head out there.

I'm here if you need me.

All right.

What is the deal?

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

You were acting weird on the way over here, and now you're not even looking at

me.

I'm fine.

Does this have anything to do with the other night?

I don't give a shit about that.

Hey. Jesus, the waiters here get creepier every day.

Miss, I can handle this, okay? Wait, you know this guy? Hey, buddy, I think you

brought a pen. Look, I've got a better idea. Maybe you and your faggot necklace

could get the fuck out of my face.

And later on, I'll take a picture of me fucking your friend so you have

something to jerk off.

You know, you should really lock the door if you don't want people barging

Since when do you give a shit about protecting me?

That's what you wanted, right?

You wanted protection. You wanted someone to care about you. That's

I did. Oh, don't give me that. You're using me just like everybody else does.

Plus for your magazine article to con your dad into giving you money. And

perfect. You became a hooker because you bragged about fucking a bunch of guys

in college.

You could say that Victoria's just a character that you play, but you like

job.

You revel in it. You're comfortable in it.

You're in control.

You dictate the terms.

You don't have to worry about being rejected by a bunch of guys who just

come all over you.

And you're just a sad person who revels in his own self -loathing.

I'll end the debate for you right now, Mitch.

You're not a sex addict.

You're just an emotionally crippled child with low self -esteem who uses sex

numb his feelings.

Your problem isn't sex. Your problem is reality.

Sex is just your pathetic fucking band -aid.

You exhaust me, you know.

Bellowing black exhaust pipe smoke.

And the smut won't wash from this unsuitable immigrant skin.

Such a villainous grace.

Oh, I don't know what you've done to your face.

Some nights I can't figure out quite where your heart is.

Oh Los

Angeles.

worth me for an opportunity i didn't have to give you a chance and i did and

you're telling me you had this great story and you can't write it i guess

accurate yeah okay that's it you're not

mad mad fuck do i care what two writers out there who'd club a baby seal for the

job well look i could write something else i just need a little bit more time

make my decision at the end of the week

Well, it's none of my business, but when you came in here, you were hungry.

You were inspired, and you really wanted this job.

Is what is not important to you anymore?

No, it still is.

If you are a journalist, you write.

If you can do anything else, you do anything else.

If you're stuck, go back to the heart.

Go back to what inspired you in the first place. You know, what really got

out of it.

David. Hi, any news?

Okay. Um, yeah.

Christ, what the fuck are you doing? We need to talk.

Then fucking call me. I do call you. You don't pick up my calls. You need to

leave. I'm working.

Not until you hear me out.

Hey, come on. I'm going to call the police.

Then hurry.

All right, look, I know that you don't want to accept it, and I didn't want to

admit it, but I like you in a way that I didn't think I was capable.

I know how much money is in my wallet.

You shut the fuck up.

We both know that you never needed anyone to protect you.

You never needed that.

Open the door. I'm working.

You're lucky I'm not going to call the police on you.

Go home to your wife, asshole.

Victoria isn't just a character she plays.

Victoria is a character we all play.

And tonight, some schlep of a guy will sit alone at a bar, his head buried in

his phone, ordering vodka after vodka.

And if the powers that be decide that tonight is his night, an escort named

Victoria will lean up against the bar, tell him he can buy her a drink, And

blink those beautiful blue eyes.

And if the guy's smart, he'll never let her slip away.

Natalie?

Your academic record... Spotless 4 .0 GPA.

But... But what?

But you don't want your institution tarnished by the PowerPoint sex girl

Piers Morgan Live.

Thank you so much for your time.

But your essay is the reason we're accepting you into our MBA program.

What? Your honesty about what happened to you was refreshing.

Three of the five members of our selection committee have children who

bullied on the Internet.

My daughter was one of them.

What does it say about us if we let cyberbullying prevent a perfectly good

candidate from realizing her potential?

I look like a fucking waiter. You look good.

Besides, that's what they make you wear to these recitals.

I hate clarinet.

Dad won't let me quit.

Yeah. Hey, is he upstairs?

Fuck if I know.

Speed squat.

For 30 seconds, I want you to go as fast as you can with these speed squads.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go. As fast as you can.

Down and lift.

Down and lift as fast as you can. This is 30 seconds. That's been about 20

seconds right there. Go.

As fast as you can.

Speed, speed, speed, speed. Faster, Zach.

This time, let's go.

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, hold down, hold down, hold down, hold down, hold down.

Reach your arms forward as far forward as you can.

Now what I want you to do, one last thing. Listen to me. Hi,

son.

Good exercise.

Yeah, the whole exercise thing, yeah.

One of Emily's friends, asshole father, told Emily that when you get over 50,

you got to work out every day. So she thinks if I don't exercise, I die.

It's crazy. Sounds crazy.

So, look, I got some more money for you if you still need it.

What happened to Crystal and Mercury? She left me.

You were dating her? My astrologer. Of course. Son, she was 35 and a Pilates

instructor. Do you have any idea what Pilates does to a woman's ass?

So, how's Natalie?

Or should I say Victoria?

I think it's a great article. I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

You know, I used to steal your weed when I was a kid.

Really? That was you?

I even thought that was Rosalita.

That was me.

Well, that's all right. It was your mom's weed.

Get the fuck out of here. Oh, yeah.

I was on the straight and narrow until she came along.

So...

What about Natalie?

I fucked that up.

Well, you need to unfuck that up.

Look, if what you wrote in this article is the truth, then you can't ignore your

feelings. That regret is going to grow inside of you and twist you into a dark

and thorny place. I know. I've been there. It's not good.

Smoke some weed.

So, I've been thinking.

I know you said I don't have to play football next season, but I kind of want

to. Yeah, why is that?

I don't know.

I guess I don't mind the hitting and all the yelling and stuff.

What?

What?

It's a boy. It's definitely a boy.

It's not a boy. That's the only thing that makes sense. It's not a boy. What's

his name?

His name is Jonathan, and he plays wide receiver, and he has the cutest ass on

his hands.

Language. Sorry, but... Do I even know this kid?

Do you remember the guy who scored all the touchdowns at my games last year?

What, Jonathan?

Touchdown Jonathan?

Yeah. He was pretty good.

And I think he liked me.

Oh, dear God.

Hey.

Hi.

I read your article and, well, I think you misquoted me.

Nobody even knows it's you, just like you asked. But there are some lines in

here I would have never said.

Like what?

You see enough unfaithful husbands and you start to get sickened by the whole

notion of love.

How can you trust men when you see them call their wives in front of you and say

they love them after they just paid for sex?

I don't think you can be in my industry and still believe in love. It's like

being a scientist and believing in God.

Yeah, you definitely said all of that.

I'd really like you to publish a retraction of that statement and revise

say, you see enough unfaithful husbands and you start to question the notion of

love.

And then when you finally experience it for yourself, you see what all the fuss

is about.

And you can't imagine not having that person in your life and you feel like

luckiest person in the world and you would do anything to make them feel the

same way about you.

I quit.

I'm officially a grad student in September.

Get an MBA and make this tutoring thing a real business.

I'll have to pay taxes.

Well, that's good.

That's really good for you.

I'm happy for you.

Wait.

I want that with Jonathan.

Yeah. Over my dead body.