Original subtitles

Holy [\h__\h] MAN. GREAT ON YOU. WE got a

Holy [\h__\h] MAN. GREAT ON YOU. WE got a

Holy [\h__\h] MAN. GREAT ON YOU. WE got a great one for you tonight. My name is

great one for you tonight. My name is

great one for you tonight. My name is John Stewart. Later on, I will be

John Stewart. Later on, I will be

John Stewart. Later on, I will be talking with uh just the most incredible

talking with uh just the most incredible

talking with uh just the most incredible director, fabulous uh director, Iranian

director, fabulous uh director, Iranian

director, fabulous uh director, Iranian director, JAFAR PANAHI WILL BE JOINING

director, JAFAR PANAHI WILL BE JOINING

director, JAFAR PANAHI WILL BE JOINING US.

He as right now he's got an Oscar

He as right now he's got an Oscar

He as right now he's got an Oscar nominated film called It Was just an

nominated film called It Was just an

nominated film called It Was just an accident which explores the trauma of

accident which explores the trauma of

accident which explores the trauma of living under an oppressive sensorious

living under an oppressive sensorious

living under an oppressive sensorious theocratic dictatorship. I'm not going

theocratic dictatorship. I'm not going

theocratic dictatorship. I'm not going to tell you how it ends. But um

to tell you how it ends. But um

to tell you how it ends. But um BUT HEY, WE'RE BACK. IT'S MONDAY. AND

BUT HEY, WE'RE BACK. IT'S MONDAY. AND

BUT HEY, WE'RE BACK. IT'S MONDAY. AND WHILE WE had originally planned a

WHILE WE had originally planned a

WHILE WE had originally planned a different show,

different show,

different show, I thought would be a kind of a

I thought would be a kind of a

I thought would be a kind of a trenchant, really superbly witty episode

trenchant, really superbly witty episode

trenchant, really superbly witty episode on the unforeseen economic effects of

on the unforeseen economic effects of

on the unforeseen economic effects of government subsidies on well-intentioned

government subsidies on well-intentioned

government subsidies on well-intentioned social service programs.

social service programs.

social service programs. It was going to be a banger.

That was that was Friday

That was that was Friday

That was that was Friday and a lot has blown up since then.

and a lot has blown up since then.

and a lot has blown up since then. As America has once again returned to

As America has once again returned to

As America has once again returned to the only East, we can't get enough of

the only East, we can't get enough of

the only East, we can't get enough of exploding, the middle one. In our 20y

exploding, the middle one. In our 20y

exploding, the middle one. In our 20y year recurring segment,

nothing bad can happen. It can only good

nothing bad can happen. It can only good

nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen.

I've missed you, Mesopotamian.

I've missed you, Mesopotamian.

I've missed you, Mesopotamian. Early Saturday morning, American Israel

Early Saturday morning, American Israel

Early Saturday morning, American Israel launched a surprise war against Iran. I

launched a surprise war against Iran. I

launched a surprise war against Iran. I call a surprise war because here's what

call a surprise war because here's what

call a surprise war because here's what one of the mediators said after

one of the mediators said after

one of the mediators said after negotiations on Friday. I am confident

negotiations on Friday. I am confident

negotiations on Friday. I am confident and in my assessment of the way the

and in my assessment of the way the

and in my assessment of the way the talks are going, the peace deal is

talks are going, the peace deal is

talks are going, the peace deal is within our reach. Oh, the peace deal is

within our reach. Oh, the peace deal is

within our reach. Oh, the peace deal is within.

within.

within. But it turns out the bombshit button was

But it turns out the bombshit button was

But it turns out the bombshit button was much closer.

much closer.

much closer. The devastating effects of a regional

The devastating effects of a regional

The devastating effects of a regional war have made everyone very nervous and

war have made everyone very nervous and

war have made everyone very nervous and one person very happy.

one person very happy.

one person very happy. >> This enables us to do what I have long

>> This enables us to do what I have long

>> This enables us to do what I have long hoped to do for 40 years. What?

hoped to do for 40 years. What?

hoped to do for 40 years. What? I've had four decades of regime change

I've had four decades of regime change

I've had four decades of regime change blue balls.

But of course, the announcement that our

But of course, the announcement that our

But of course, the announcement that our nation is at war is the most solemn

nation is at war is the most solemn

nation is at war is the most solemn moment of any president's tenure and an

moment of any president's tenure and an

moment of any president's tenure and an opportunity to reassure an anxious

opportunity to reassure an anxious

opportunity to reassure an anxious nation, to reaffirm the righteousness of

nation, to reaffirm the righteousness of

nation, to reaffirm the righteousness of the cause.

the cause.

the cause. >> A short time ago, the United States

>> A short time ago, the United States

>> A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations

military began major combat operations

military began major combat operations in Iran.

in Iran.

in Iran. >> Yeah. I'm sorry. Can I just jump in here

>> Yeah. I'm sorry. Can I just jump in here

>> Yeah. I'm sorry. Can I just jump in here real quick? Um,

real quick? Um,

real quick? Um, this is how we're doing this.

this is how we're doing this.

this is how we're doing this. 2 a.m. Mara Lago basement. No lighting.

2 a.m. Mara Lago basement. No lighting.

2 a.m. Mara Lago basement. No lighting. You don't even have one of those

You don't even have one of those

You don't even have one of those influencer halo things.

Justing go down in the basement and this

Justing go down in the basement and this

Justing go down in the basement and this is what we're wearing.

is what we're wearing.

is what we're wearing. BLAZER, NO TIE, SHIRT UNBUTTONED.

BLAZER, NO TIE, SHIRT UNBUTTONED.

BLAZER, NO TIE, SHIRT UNBUTTONED. Looking more like the father of the

Looking more like the father of the

Looking more like the father of the bride settling up with the caterer.

bride settling up with the caterer.

bride settling up with the caterer. Is that what we're doing?

Is that what we're doing?

Is that what we're doing? And not to nitpick obviously, but

And not to nitpick obviously, but

And not to nitpick obviously, but baseball hat.

baseball hat.

baseball hat. We're going with a baseball hat for a

We're going with a baseball hat for a

We're going with a baseball hat for a war of choice. Oh, I'm going to go down

war of choice. Oh, I'm going to go down

war of choice. Oh, I'm going to go down and MAKE MY WAR ANNOUNCEMENT. DON'T

and MAKE MY WAR ANNOUNCEMENT. DON'T

and MAKE MY WAR ANNOUNCEMENT. DON'T FORGET THE HAT I GOT YOU

FORGET THE HAT I GOT YOU

FORGET THE HAT I GOT YOU AT THE AIRPORT SOUVENIR STORE.

IT'S BIGGER THAN YOUR HEAD. PUT IT ON.

IT GOES GREAT IN THE DARK.

Jesus [\h__\h] man. YOU HAD ALL THE

Jesus [\h__\h] man. YOU HAD ALL THE

Jesus [\h__\h] man. YOU HAD ALL THE OPTIONS. IT'S A WAR OF CHOICE. YOU COULD

OPTIONS. IT'S A WAR OF CHOICE. YOU COULD

OPTIONS. IT'S A WAR OF CHOICE. YOU COULD HAVE DONE THIS at the White House in a

HAVE DONE THIS at the White House in a

HAVE DONE THIS at the White House in a suit in the I killed BIN LADEN HALLWAY.

suit in the I killed BIN LADEN HALLWAY.

suit in the I killed BIN LADEN HALLWAY. BUT NO, you decided to go with vacation

BUT NO, you decided to go with vacation

BUT NO, you decided to go with vacation house trucker hat guy who was about to

house trucker hat guy who was about to

house trucker hat guy who was about to make an announcement at his club's

make an announcement at his club's

make an announcement at his club's member member tournament.

member member tournament.

member member tournament. It's classy.

It's classy.

It's classy. Reminds me of FDR's day that we'll live

Reminds me of FDR's day that we'll live

Reminds me of FDR's day that we'll live in infamy speech.

We have nothing to fear but glare in my

We have nothing to fear but glare in my

We have nothing to fear but glare in my eyes.

But at the very least, we should at

But at the very least, we should at

But at the very least, we should at least be thankful that the hat is on

least be thankful that the hat is on

least be thankful that the hat is on forwards.

We're taking our nation to war.

It's all right. I'll give you a

It's all right. I'll give you a

It's all right. I'll give you a mulligan. Come back tomorrow. Dress for

mulligan. Come back tomorrow. Dress for

mulligan. Come back tomorrow. Dress for the war you want. and then you can give

the war you want. and then you can give

the war you want. and then you can give us perhaps a more sober launching of

us perhaps a more sober launching of

us perhaps a more sober launching of this incredibly consequential moment.

this incredibly consequential moment.

this incredibly consequential moment. >> The United States and its partners have

>> The United States and its partners have

>> The United States and its partners have launched Operation Epic Fury. I'm going

launched Operation Epic Fury. I'm going

launched Operation Epic Fury. I'm going to jump in right there, please.

to jump in right there, please.

to jump in right there, please. Epic Fury.

Epic Fury.

Epic Fury. Is this a war or did the Paul brothers

Is this a war or did the Paul brothers

Is this a war or did the Paul brothers launch another energy drink?

Stop letting the millennials name [\h__\h]

Stop letting the millennials name [\h__\h]

Stop letting the millennials name [\h__\h] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got off track.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got off track.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got off track. How did Operation Epic Fury start?

How did Operation Epic Fury start?

How did Operation Epic Fury start? >> This morning, the US and Israel

>> This morning, the US and Israel

>> This morning, the US and Israel launching a major widescale daytime

launching a major widescale daytime

launching a major widescale daytime attack on Iran. Smoke seen rising near

attack on Iran. Smoke seen rising near

attack on Iran. Smoke seen rising near government offices and Supreme Leader

government offices and Supreme Leader

government offices and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Ham's residence.

Ayatollah Ali Ham's residence.

Ayatollah Ali Ham's residence. >> Oo, that's got to rattle Ham. Although

>> Oo, that's got to rattle Ham. Although

>> Oo, that's got to rattle Ham. Although Ham's got to be on high alert. I mean, I

Ham's got to be on high alert. I mean, I

Ham's got to be on high alert. I mean, I doubt he's anywhere near a location that

doubt he's anywhere near a location that

doubt he's anywhere near a location that obvious given the advanced surveillance

obvious given the advanced surveillance

obvious given the advanced surveillance he's been under from American and

he's been under from American and

he's been under from American and Israeli intelligence. This is the moment

Israeli intelligence. This is the moment

Israeli intelligence. This is the moment that officials say the 86-year-old

that officials say the 86-year-old

that officials say the 86-year-old Ayatollah was killed and he stayed in

Ayatollah was killed and he stayed in

Ayatollah was killed and he stayed in his house.

his house.

his house. Old people are soing stubborn.

It's like AH

they really are like you cannot tell

they really are like you cannot tell

they really are like you cannot tell them anything. Sir, please you are in

them anything. Sir, please you are in

them anything. Sir, please you are in danger here. I'M NOT LEAVING.

danger here. I'M NOT LEAVING.

danger here. I'M NOT LEAVING. THIS IS MY HOUSE. YOU I DIDN'T ASK YOU

THIS IS MY HOUSE. YOU I DIDN'T ASK YOU

THIS IS MY HOUSE. YOU I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO STAY. YOU CAN GO. I'M STAYING. What

TO STAY. YOU CAN GO. I'M STAYING. What

TO STAY. YOU CAN GO. I'M STAYING. What are they going to do?

That guy, by the way, there he was

That guy, by the way, there he was

That guy, by the way, there he was martyed at 86.

martyed at 86.

martyed at 86. Man, are the virgins going to be

Man, are the virgins going to be

Man, are the virgins going to be disappointed.

I'm sorry. Am I Am I going too HARD ON

I'm sorry. Am I Am I going too HARD ON

I'm sorry. Am I Am I going too HARD ON HAM?

HAM?

HAM? [\h__\h] MURDEROUS DICTATOR. LIKE, WHOA.

Don't make fun of his erectile

Don't make fun of his erectile

Don't make fun of his erectile dysfunction.

THAT'S A BRIDGE TOO FAR, STEWART.

THAT'S A BRIDGE TOO FAR, STEWART.

THAT'S A BRIDGE TOO FAR, STEWART. Guying mowed down his own people. But,

Guying mowed down his own people. But,

Guying mowed down his own people. But, you know, VIAGRA IS A SERIOUS DRUG.

NO. America apparently had to start an

NO. America apparently had to start an

NO. America apparently had to start an entire war to kill an 86y old man in ill

entire war to kill an 86y old man in ill

entire war to kill an 86y old man in ill health and not wait, I don't know, three

health and not wait, I don't know, three

health and not wait, I don't know, three weeks to let saturated fat do its thing.

weeks to let saturated fat do its thing.

weeks to let saturated fat do its thing. But just so you know, Israel and America

But just so you know, Israel and America

But just so you know, Israel and America made their move and now Iran will make

made their move and now Iran will make

made their move and now Iran will make their move.

their move.

their move. >> Iran is widening the scope of its

>> Iran is widening the scope of its

>> Iran is widening the scope of its response this morning. Neighbors across

response this morning. Neighbors across

response this morning. Neighbors across the region dragged into the chaos.

the region dragged into the chaos.

the region dragged into the chaos. attacks at multiple bases, including

attacks at multiple bases, including

attacks at multiple bases, including those in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and

those in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and

those in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, the the United

Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, the the United

Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, the the United Arab Emirates.

Arab Emirates.

Arab Emirates. >> Basically, the whole of the Gulf.

>> Basically, the whole of the Gulf.

>> Basically, the whole of the Gulf. >> It's also fired on Europe for the first

>> It's also fired on Europe for the first

>> It's also fired on Europe for the first time, aiming at Cypress.

time, aiming at Cypress.

time, aiming at Cypress. >> What? Cypress? I don't even know where

>> What? Cypress? I don't even know where

>> What? Cypress? I don't even know where that is.

that is.

that is. Is Cypress even ON THAT RISK BOARD? I

Is Cypress even ON THAT RISK BOARD? I

Is Cypress even ON THAT RISK BOARD? I don't even think it's around there.

don't even think it's around there.

don't even think it's around there. So, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me

So, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me

So, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. America and Israel

get this straight. America and Israel

get this straight. America and Israel attack Iran and Iran's answer is to

attack Iran and Iran's answer is to

attack Iran and Iran's answer is to justing attack everybody.

You know, having been in a bar fight or

You know, having been in a bar fight or

You know, having been in a bar fight or two in my life, I'm pretty sure the

two in my life, I'm pretty sure the

two in my life, I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can do during a

worst thing you can do during a

worst thing you can do during a twoon-one beatdown is slap everyone

twoon-one beatdown is slap everyone

twoon-one beatdown is slap everyone else.

HEY. HEY, NOT EVERY PART OF ME IS

HEY. HEY, NOT EVERY PART OF ME IS

HEY. HEY, NOT EVERY PART OF ME IS GETTING PUNCHED. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GETTING PUNCHED. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GETTING PUNCHED. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Hey you. For more on

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Hey you. For more on

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Hey you. For more on the situation in Iran, we go live to

the situation in Iran, we go live to

the situation in Iran, we go live to Istanbul with our very own Jordan

Istanbul with our very own Jordan

Istanbul with our very own Jordan Clapper. Jordan,

Clapper. Jordan,

Clapper. Jordan, nice to see you, sir.

nice to see you, sir.

nice to see you, sir. How are you?

How are you?

How are you? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Thank you, John. I'm in Istanbul right

Thank you, John. I'm in Istanbul right

Thank you, John. I'm in Istanbul right now, which is not in Iran, but close

now, which is not in Iran, but close

now, which is not in Iran, but close enough to kind of look like I am if you

enough to kind of look like I am if you

enough to kind of look like I am if you if you squint.

if you squint.

if you squint. >> What's the latest over there, Jordan?

>> What's the latest over there, Jordan?

>> What's the latest over there, Jordan? >> I'll tell you the latest, John. WE'RE

>> I'll tell you the latest, John. WE'RE

>> I'll tell you the latest, John. WE'RE [\h__\h] BACK. USA AND ISRAEL. USA AND

[\h__\h] BACK. USA AND ISRAEL. USA AND

[\h__\h] BACK. USA AND ISRAEL. USA AND ISRAEL. OH, feels so good to be back at

ISRAEL. OH, feels so good to be back at

ISRAEL. OH, feels so good to be back at war. Those four weeks since Venezuela

war. Those four weeks since Venezuela

war. Those four weeks since Venezuela were so boring.

were so boring.

were so boring. Oh, man. Things were so dull, we had to

Oh, man. Things were so dull, we had to

Oh, man. Things were so dull, we had to pretend to care about hockey.

pretend to care about hockey.

pretend to care about hockey. Dark stuff. I think it's clear this is

Dark stuff. I think it's clear this is

Dark stuff. I think it's clear this is exactly why America voted for Trump.

exactly why America voted for Trump.

exactly why America voted for Trump. >> Yeah, but is it though, Jordan? I mean,

>> Yeah, but is it though, Jordan? I mean,

>> Yeah, but is it though, Jordan? I mean, I seem to remember Trump saying he was

I seem to remember Trump saying he was

I seem to remember Trump saying he was explicitly against new wars.

explicitly against new wars.

explicitly against new wars. >> Well, John, you're very old and your

>> Well, John, you're very old and your

>> Well, John, you're very old and your memory is cascading down a long, dark

memory is cascading down a long, dark

memory is cascading down a long, dark road into oblivion.

>> I don't necessarily disagree with that,

>> I don't necessarily disagree with that,

>> I don't necessarily disagree with that, but

but

but I I I believe I have a clip. No new

I I I believe I have a clip. No new

I I I believe I have a clip. No new wars. No new wars. We don't need the

wars. No new wars. We don't need the

wars. No new wars. We don't need the wars.

wars.

wars. >> Hm. You know what? That's That's not how

>> Hm. You know what? That's That's not how

>> Hm. You know what? That's That's not how I remember it. I'm I'm pretty sure this

I remember it. I'm I'm pretty sure this

I remember it. I'm I'm pretty sure this is what he said.

is what he said.

is what he said. >> New wars. New wars. Whitney, the wars.

>> Seems pretty cut and dry. Or do you not

>> Seems pretty cut and dry. Or do you not

>> Seems pretty cut and dry. Or do you not believe your own eyes, John?

believe your own eyes, John?

believe your own eyes, John? >> No.

>> Do you you edited that?

>> Do you you edited that?

>> Do you you edited that? >> Really? Really? Oh, you look like I was

>> Really? Really? Oh, you look like I was

>> Really? Really? Oh, you look like I was at a rally during the campaign and

at a rally during the campaign and

at a rally during the campaign and watched him say this.

watched him say this.

watched him say this. >> Me like me like me like

>> Me like me like me like

>> Me like me like me like >> war. It makes me rock hard.

>> Hey, John.

Hey, John. Boy, do you like apples?

Hey, John. Boy, do you like apples?

Hey, John. Boy, do you like apples? >> And can you say yes so I can insult you?

>> Yeah, sure. I LIKE

>> Yeah, sure. I LIKE

>> Yeah, sure. I LIKE >> WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

NO,

NO,

NO, it's not that clever.

it's not that clever.

it's not that clever. >> You walked right into that one, dummy.

>> You walked right into that one, dummy.

>> You walked right into that one, dummy. >> Jordan, the location changed on every

>> Jordan, the location changed on every

>> Jordan, the location changed on every syllable of that clip. THERE'S NO WAY

syllable of that clip. THERE'S NO WAY

syllable of that clip. THERE'S NO WAY YOU WATCHED HIM say that.

YOU WATCHED HIM say that.

YOU WATCHED HIM say that. >> You know what? Trump thought you might

>> You know what? Trump thought you might

>> You know what? Trump thought you might say that, which is why he also said

say that, which is why he also said

say that, which is why he also said this.

this.

this. >> You are wrong. John Jordan watched me

>> You are wrong. John Jordan watched me

>> You are wrong. John Jordan watched me say this. He is a beautiful guy. Also,

say this. He is a beautiful guy. Also,

say this. He is a beautiful guy. Also, every time I think about Jordan, it

every time I think about Jordan, it

every time I think about Jordan, it makes me rock hard.

I really don't think that Donald Trump

I really don't think that Donald Trump

I really don't think that Donald Trump talked about how you arouse.

talked about how you arouse.

talked about how you arouse. >> Oh, you know, he thought you might say

>> Oh, you know, he thought you might say

>> Oh, you know, he thought you might say that too, John.

that too, John.

that too, John. >> NO, JORDAN. LOOK, THE CONCERN FOR ME IS

>> NO, JORDAN. LOOK, THE CONCERN FOR ME IS

>> NO, JORDAN. LOOK, THE CONCERN FOR ME IS THAT TRUMP DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE A PLAN

THAT TRUMP DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE A PLAN

THAT TRUMP DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE A PLAN HERE.

HERE.

HERE. >> YEAH, EXACTLY. Why do you think we've

>> YEAH, EXACTLY. Why do you think we've

>> YEAH, EXACTLY. Why do you think we've lost every war since Vietnam? We had a

lost every war since Vietnam? We had a

lost every war since Vietnam? We had a plan. This time Trump's doing the

plan. This time Trump's doing the

plan. This time Trump's doing the sensible thing and just [\h__\h] winging

sensible thing and just [\h__\h] winging

sensible thing and just [\h__\h] winging it.

it.

it. >> No. Yeah, you can't just wing it. You

>> No. Yeah, you can't just wing it. You

>> No. Yeah, you can't just wing it. You can't wing a war.

can't wing a war.

can't wing a war. >> YEAH. YEAH, YOU CAN. JUST SORT OF COME

>> YEAH. YEAH, YOU CAN. JUST SORT OF COME

>> YEAH. YEAH, YOU CAN. JUST SORT OF COME UP WITH IT on the spot like jazz.

UP WITH IT on the spot like jazz.

UP WITH IT on the spot like jazz. Skippity bop bop. Drone strike. Whoa.

Skippity bop bop. Drone strike. Whoa.

Skippity bop bop. Drone strike. Whoa. Whoa. Tommahawk missile. Salt peanuts.

Whoa. Tommahawk missile. Salt peanuts.

Whoa. Tommahawk missile. Salt peanuts. Salt peanuts. Inevitable sectarian

Salt peanuts. Inevitable sectarian

Salt peanuts. Inevitable sectarian violence. Jazz hands.

violence. Jazz hands.

violence. Jazz hands. >> I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

>> I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

>> I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But

But

But we've been scarred by arrogant American

we've been scarred by arrogant American

we've been scarred by arrogant American action that has led to unforeseen

action that has led to unforeseen

action that has led to unforeseen consequences and ultimately defeat.

consequences and ultimately defeat.

consequences and ultimately defeat. >> That's a negative attitude. If the gold

>> That's a negative attitude. If the gold

>> That's a negative attitude. If the gold medal hockey team had that attitude, we

medal hockey team had that attitude, we

medal hockey team had that attitude, we wouldn't have won. Best day of my life.

wouldn't have won. Best day of my life.

wouldn't have won. Best day of my life. >> You just said two minutes ago that you

>> You just said two minutes ago that you

>> You just said two minutes ago that you were only pretending to care about

were only pretending to care about

were only pretending to care about hockey.

hockey.

hockey. >> Not how I remember it. Pretty sure this

>> Not how I remember it. Pretty sure this

>> Not how I remember it. Pretty sure this is what I said. I'll tell you, John,

is what I said. I'll tell you, John,

is what I said. I'll tell you, John, feels good to care about USA hockey. So,

feels good to care about USA hockey. So,

feels good to care about USA hockey. So, so good. It makes me rock hard.

>> John, I forget you said you were a fan

>> John, I forget you said you were a fan

>> John, I forget you said you were a fan of

of

of >> Jordan Clipper, everybody. Thank you so

>> Jordan Clipper, everybody. Thank you so

>> Jordan Clipper, everybody. Thank you so much.

Now look,

Now look,

Now look, the interesting thing about this war

the interesting thing about this war

the interesting thing about this war which just started was that it was

which just started was that it was

which just started was that it was clearly a long time in the planning and

clearly a long time in the planning and

clearly a long time in the planning and yet the American people have heard very

yet the American people have heard very

yet the American people have heard very little that is consistent about the

little that is consistent about the

little that is consistent about the war's justification or ultimate aims. In

war's justification or ultimate aims. In

war's justification or ultimate aims. In fact, the normally loquacious president

fact, the normally loquacious president

fact, the normally loquacious president had an opportunity with the national

had an opportunity with the national

had an opportunity with the national press on Sunday night after flying back

press on Sunday night after flying back

press on Sunday night after flying back from Mara Lago to the White House where

from Mara Lago to the White House where

from Mara Lago to the White House where I'm sure he'd want to clarify the

I'm sure he'd want to clarify the

I'm sure he'd want to clarify the public's uncertainty and reassure us.

public's uncertainty and reassure us.

public's uncertainty and reassure us. President Trump tonight came home from

President Trump tonight came home from

President Trump tonight came home from the White House. He usually stops and

the White House. He usually stops and

the White House. He usually stops and talks to the press. He completely

talks to the press. He completely

talks to the press. He completely ignored us. Instead, stopped and admired

ignored us. Instead, stopped and admired

ignored us. Instead, stopped and admired some new statues that were being put

some new statues that were being put

some new statues that were being put into the Rose Garden.

into the Rose Garden.

into the Rose Garden. >> Come on.

>> Come on.

>> Come on. That's

That's

That's fake news. He's not a He's not a

fake news. He's not a He's not a

fake news. He's not a He's not a daughtering Mr. Mcoo having full-on

daughtering Mr. Mcoo having full-on

daughtering Mr. Mcoo having full-on conversations with inanimate sculpted

conversations with inanimate sculpted

conversations with inanimate sculpted bronze.

bronze.

bronze. >> Mr. President, who do you want to leader

>> Mr. President, who do you want to leader

>> Mr. President, who do you want to leader on?

on?

on? Unbelievable statues. You see,

>> DID YOU KNOW THE FOUNDERS WERE 14 FEET

>> DID YOU KNOW THE FOUNDERS WERE 14 FEET

>> DID YOU KNOW THE FOUNDERS WERE 14 FEET TALL

TALL

TALL and so smooth?

By the way, if the president isn't being

By the way, if the president isn't being

By the way, if the president isn't being forthcoming in a time of war, it's not

forthcoming in a time of war, it's not

forthcoming in a time of war, it's not his power to declare war anyway. Where's

his power to declare war anyway. Where's

his power to declare war anyway. Where's Congress on this?

Congress on this?

Congress on this? >> The House is set to vote on the war

>> The House is set to vote on the war

>> The House is set to vote on the war powers resolution on Thursday.

>> This coming Thursday.

>> This coming Thursday.

>> This coming Thursday. The Thursday, Monday, Thursday. YOU'RE

The Thursday, Monday, Thursday. YOU'RE

The Thursday, Monday, Thursday. YOU'RE GOING TO VOTE THURSDAY. THE war already

GOING TO VOTE THURSDAY. THE war already

GOING TO VOTE THURSDAY. THE war already happened.

happened.

happened. This is Trump's whole presidency. HE

This is Trump's whole presidency. HE

This is Trump's whole presidency. HE DOES WHATEVER THE HE WANTS. AND THEN A

DOES WHATEVER THE HE WANTS. AND THEN A

DOES WHATEVER THE HE WANTS. AND THEN A FEW DAYS LATER, CONGRESS IS LIKE,

FEW DAYS LATER, CONGRESS IS LIKE,

FEW DAYS LATER, CONGRESS IS LIKE, "EXCUSE ME.

Roll your window down. Excuse me.

Roll your window down. Excuse me.

Roll your window down. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Roll your window down.

Excuse me, sir. Roll your window down.

Excuse me, sir. Roll your window down. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO

Excuse me, sir. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO

Excuse me, sir. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO KNOCK DOWN the East Wing without a

KNOCK DOWN the East Wing without a

KNOCK DOWN the East Wing without a permit from the homeowners association.

permit from the homeowners association.

permit from the homeowners association. We're going to let it slide THIS TIME,

We're going to let it slide THIS TIME,

We're going to let it slide THIS TIME, BUT NEXT TIME YOU WILL lose access to

BUT NEXT TIME YOU WILL lose access to

BUT NEXT TIME YOU WILL lose access to the clubhouse.

I swear to God, the United States

I swear to God, the United States

I swear to God, the United States Congress is like male nipples. WHY? WHY

Congress is like male nipples. WHY? WHY

Congress is like male nipples. WHY? WHY DO YOU EXIST? WHAT DO YOU DO?

NOTHING. You do nothing.

NOTHING. You do nothing.

NOTHING. You do nothing. YOU JUST SIT THERE WAITING for angels to

YOU JUST SIT THERE WAITING for angels to

YOU JUST SIT THERE WAITING for angels to grab you when we die.

I can't think of anything more

I can't think of anything more

I can't think of anything more dismissive and arrogant than this

dismissive and arrogant than this

dismissive and arrogant than this president not directly addressing the

president not directly addressing the

president not directly addressing the American people and explaining this war

American people and explaining this war

American people and explaining this war more thoroughly.

>> Well, good morning. This is not a

>> Well, good morning. This is not a

>> Well, good morning. This is not a so-called regime change war, but the

so-called regime change war, but the

so-called regime change war, but the regime sure did change.

regime sure did change.

regime sure did change. >> Oh, for God's sakes. I stand corrected.

>> Oh, for God's sakes. I stand corrected.

>> Oh, for God's sakes. I stand corrected. Yes. Apparently, the responsibility of

Yes. Apparently, the responsibility of

Yes. Apparently, the responsibility of articulating our nation's military

articulating our nation's military

articulating our nation's military strategy in Iran fell to Alpha Beta alum

strategy in Iran fell to Alpha Beta alum

strategy in Iran fell to Alpha Beta alum Pete Hegth, whose humility and just the

Pete Hegth, whose humility and just the

Pete Hegth, whose humility and just the facts ma'am approach made him the

facts ma'am approach made him the

facts ma'am approach made him the perfect vessel for this important task.

perfect vessel for this important task.

perfect vessel for this important task. >> We are not going to go into the exercise

>> We are not going to go into the exercise

>> We are not going to go into the exercise of what we will or will not do. We would

of what we will or will not do. We would

of what we will or will not do. We would never in front of a press pool lay out

never in front of a press pool lay out

never in front of a press pool lay out how long that may take. Here's exactly

how long that may take. Here's exactly

how long that may take. Here's exactly how far we'll go. Here's what we're

how far we'll go. Here's what we're

how far we'll go. Here's what we're willing to do and not do. It's

willing to do and not do. It's

willing to do and not do. It's foolishness. We're not dumb about it. Is

foolishness. We're not dumb about it. Is

foolishness. We're not dumb about it. Is there a concern of this spiraling into a

there a concern of this spiraling into a

there a concern of this spiraling into a longer war and then one for the chairman

longer war and then one for the chairman

longer war and then one for the chairman when you're done?

when you're done?

when you're done? >> Did you not hear my remarks?

>> Looks like somebody's been chugging a

>> Looks like somebody's been chugging a

>> Looks like somebody's been chugging a little too much epic fury.

>> I know you're the defense secretary, but

>> I know you're the defense secretary, but

>> I know you're the defense secretary, but you don't need to get so defensive.

you don't need to get so defensive.

you don't need to get so defensive. >> Trump put a four-week timeline. Are you

>> Trump put a four-week timeline. Are you

>> Trump put a four-week timeline. Are you saying that's wrong?

saying that's wrong?

saying that's wrong? >> I heard the question about uh about four

>> I heard the question about uh about four

>> I heard the question about uh about four weeks. It's the typical typical NBC sort

weeks. It's the typical typical NBC sort

weeks. It's the typical typical NBC sort of gotcha type question.

of gotcha type question.

of gotcha type question. >> Typical gotcha.

>> Typical gotcha.

>> Typical gotcha. How long will the war last, sir?

How long will the war last, sir?

How long will the war last, sir? Zing.

But of course, the basic gist of the

But of course, the basic gist of the

But of course, the basic gist of the briefing is that the United States will

briefing is that the United States will

briefing is that the United States will not tolerate a country that worships

not tolerate a country that worships

not tolerate a country that worships this kind of supreme leader.

this kind of supreme leader.

this kind of supreme leader. >> It took the 47th president, a fighter

>> It took the 47th president, a fighter

>> It took the 47th president, a fighter who always puts America first, to

who always puts America first, to

who always puts America first, to finally draw the line. It takes guts to

finally draw the line. It takes guts to

finally draw the line. It takes guts to actually enforce it. And our president

actually enforce it. And our president

actually enforce it. And our president has guts. There's no better communicator

has guts. There's no better communicator

has guts. There's no better communicator than our president. He has shown a

than our president. He has shown a

than our president. He has shown a ability to do that other presidents

ability to do that other presidents

ability to do that other presidents can't quite seem to have the aperture to

can't quite seem to have the aperture to

can't quite seem to have the aperture to do.

do.

do. >> You're right. Nobody's got the laser

>> You're right. Nobody's got the laser

>> You're right. Nobody's got the laser focus of one Donald Trump. Let's go to

focus of one Donald Trump. Let's go to

focus of one Donald Trump. Let's go to the president at the White House today

the president at the White House today

the president at the White House today giving brief remarks about the war

giving brief remarks about the war

giving brief remarks about the war before a Medal of Honor ceremony.

before a Medal of Honor ceremony.

before a Medal of Honor ceremony. >> Right from the be beginning, we

>> Right from the be beginning, we

>> Right from the be beginning, we projected four to five weeks, but uh we

projected four to five weeks, but uh we

projected four to five weeks, but uh we have capability to go far longer than

have capability to go far longer than

have capability to go far longer than that. We'll do it. Whatever somebody

that. We'll do it. Whatever somebody

that. We'll do it. Whatever somebody said today, they said, "Oh, well,

said today, they said, "Oh, well,

said today, they said, "Oh, well, president wants to do it really quickly.

president wants to do it really quickly.

president wants to do it really quickly. After that, he'll get bored." I don't

After that, he'll get bored." I don't

After that, he'll get bored." I don't get bored,

get bored,

get bored, laser focused.

laser focused.

laser focused. You sure uh don't get bored. You're not

You sure uh don't get bored. You're not

You sure uh don't get bored. You're not some three-year-old that gets easily

some three-year-old that gets easily

some three-year-old that gets easily distracted by something shiny on the

distracted by something shiny on the

distracted by something shiny on the wall.

wall.

wall. >> We have a lot of great service members

>> We have a lot of great service members

>> We have a lot of great service members here with us, too, in this beautiful

here with us, too, in this beautiful

here with us, too, in this beautiful building. Isn't it beautiful? We're

building. Isn't it beautiful? We're

building. Isn't it beautiful? We're adding on to the building a little bit.

adding on to the building a little bit.

adding on to the building a little bit. We're improving the building. See that

We're improving the building. See that

We're improving the building. See that nice drape? I picked those drapes in my

nice drape? I picked those drapes in my

nice drape? I picked those drapes in my first term. I always like gold, but I

first term. I always like gold, but I

first term. I always like gold, but I think we can save a lot of money. I just

think we can save a lot of money. I just

think we can save a lot of money. I just saved I just saved curtains.

saved I just saved curtains.

saved I just saved curtains. But uh and it will be it'll be

But uh and it will be it'll be

But uh and it will be it'll be spectacular. Be the most beautiful

spectacular. Be the most beautiful

spectacular. Be the most beautiful ballroom. I believe it's because I built

ballroom. I believe it's because I built

ballroom. I believe it's because I built many a ballroom. I believe it's going to

many a ballroom. I believe it's going to

many a ballroom. I believe it's going to be the most beautiful ballroom anywhere

be the most beautiful ballroom anywhere

be the most beautiful ballroom anywhere in the world.

Can't believe it. Our bombs are now

Can't believe it. Our bombs are now

Can't believe it. Our bombs are now smarter than our president.

So, well,

So, well,

So, well, Jesus little uh little

Jesus little uh little

Jesus little uh little Anyway, back to the war. So, will any

Anyway, back to the war. So, will any

Anyway, back to the war. So, will any congressional leaders be more

congressional leaders be more

congressional leaders be more forthcoming with the American people? Is

forthcoming with the American people? Is

forthcoming with the American people? Is anybody going to let the American people

anybody going to let the American people

anybody going to let the American people in on the plan here?

in on the plan here?

in on the plan here? >> Is there a plan? Does the president have

>> Is there a plan? Does the president have

>> Is there a plan? Does the president have a plan to guarantee that that happens?

a plan to guarantee that that happens?

a plan to guarantee that that happens? >> No, it's not his job or my job to do

>> No, it's not his job or my job to do

>> No, it's not his job or my job to do this. How many times do I have to tell

this. How many times do I have to tell

this. How many times do I have to tell you?

you?

you? >> Why are you trying to ruin my war?

>> Why are you trying to ruin my war?

>> Why are you trying to ruin my war? Why?

Why?

Why? I just started AND I'M HAVING SUCH A

I just started AND I'M HAVING SUCH A

I just started AND I'M HAVING SUCH A good I bought a new suit and shiny shoe.

good I bought a new suit and shiny shoe.

good I bought a new suit and shiny shoe. the kind put a nickel in for good luck

the kind put a nickel in for good luck

the kind put a nickel in for good luck in my Now, if you'll excuse me, I have

in my Now, if you'll excuse me, I have

in my Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some celebrity canopes and a lime ricky

some celebrity canopes and a lime ricky

some celebrity canopes and a lime ricky with my name on it. Good day.

with my name on it. Good day.

with my name on it. Good day. I said good day.

This is Trump's America. Maybe I'm

This is Trump's America. Maybe I'm

This is Trump's America. Maybe I'm oldfashioned, but even regimes I

oldfashioned, but even regimes I

oldfashioned, but even regimes I disagreed with respected the American

disagreed with respected the American

disagreed with respected the American people enough or felt some obligation to

people enough or felt some obligation to

people enough or felt some obligation to at least lie to us in prime time. Did

at least lie to us in prime time. Did

at least lie to us in prime time. Did anybody get filled in on this? An

anybody get filled in on this? An

anybody get filled in on this? An Israeli military official I spoke to

Israeli military official I spoke to

Israeli military official I spoke to told me that there were thousands of

told me that there were thousands of

told me that there were thousands of hours of planning between US and Israeli

hours of planning between US and Israeli

hours of planning between US and Israeli military officials.

military officials.

military officials. >> Oh, anything for the bombing buddy BB.

>> Oh, anything for the bombing buddy BB.

>> Oh, anything for the bombing buddy BB. You told Israel more than you told us.

You told Israel more than you told us.

You told Israel more than you told us. But like giving a hand job on your

But like giving a hand job on your

But like giving a hand job on your birthright trip, it was a secret that

birthright trip, it was a secret that

birthright trip, it was a secret that stayed in Israel.

Yeah. Yeah, they did it. They know.

Yeah. Yeah, they did it. They know.

Yeah. Yeah, they did it. They know. On the bus, under the blanket. They know

that's

But all this parsing is meaningless in

But all this parsing is meaningless in

But all this parsing is meaningless in the first place. We can expose the

the first place. We can expose the

the first place. We can expose the hypocrisy and contradictions and

hypocrisy and contradictions and

hypocrisy and contradictions and arrogance till we're blue in the

arrogance till we're blue in the

arrogance till we're blue in the Congress. The right doesn't care. They

Congress. The right doesn't care. They

Congress. The right doesn't care. They supported Trump for a very particular

supported Trump for a very particular

supported Trump for a very particular reason.

reason.

reason. >> A vote for Kla Harris is a vote for war.

>> A vote for Kla Harris is a vote for war.

>> A vote for Kla Harris is a vote for war. A vote for Donald Trump is a vote for a

A vote for Donald Trump is a vote for a

A vote for Donald Trump is a vote for a man who wants to end wars.

man who wants to end wars.

man who wants to end wars. >> The president has a commitment uh to

>> The president has a commitment uh to

>> The president has a commitment uh to peace frankly unlike anything we have

peace frankly unlike anything we have

peace frankly unlike anything we have seen. He is the the great dealmaker, the

seen. He is the the great dealmaker, the

seen. He is the the great dealmaker, the art of the deal. He can negotiate the

art of the deal. He can negotiate the

art of the deal. He can negotiate the end of wars around the world.

end of wars around the world.

end of wars around the world. >> He is America's dealmaker and chief. He

>> He is America's dealmaker and chief. He

>> He is America's dealmaker and chief. He leads from a position of securing peace

leads from a position of securing peace

leads from a position of securing peace through strength.

through strength.

through strength. >> That's why they voted for him. the

>> That's why they voted for him. the

>> That's why they voted for him. the doctrine peace through strength and now

doctrine peace through strength and now

doctrine peace through strength and now they support Trump for a very different

they support Trump for a very different

they support Trump for a very different reason.

reason.

reason. >> The president's not afraid to take

>> The president's not afraid to take

>> The president's not afraid to take action with hard power when necessary.

action with hard power when necessary.

action with hard power when necessary. >> We have a president that has finally

>> We have a president that has finally

>> We have a president that has finally shown the strength and boldness that is

shown the strength and boldness that is

shown the strength and boldness that is needed.

needed.

needed. >> The Iranian government found out what

>> The Iranian government found out what

>> The Iranian government found out what the Trump doctrine is all about and that

the Trump doctrine is all about and that

the Trump doctrine is all about and that is mess around and find out.

is mess around and find out.

is mess around and find out. >> Donald Trump has the guts, the balls,

>> Donald Trump has the guts, the balls,

>> Donald Trump has the guts, the balls, and the vision to do things that nobody

and the vision to do things that nobody

and the vision to do things that nobody else will do.

else will do.

else will do. >> I'm going to leave the balls thing alone

>> I'm going to leave the balls thing alone

>> I'm going to leave the balls thing alone for now.

But how quickly the right has gone from

But how quickly the right has gone from

But how quickly the right has gone from peace through strength to peace through

peace through strength to peace through

peace through strength to peace through war. And we're all just along for the

war. And we're all just along for the

war. And we're all just along for the ride in a war with no clear purpose, no

ride in a war with no clear purpose, no

ride in a war with no clear purpose, no end in sight. It's all just at the whims

end in sight. It's all just at the whims

end in sight. It's all just at the whims of Donald Trump. You know, you know what

of Donald Trump. You know, you know what

of Donald Trump. You know, you know what I need right now? My comfort monkey. I

I need right now? My comfort monkey. I

I need right now? My comfort monkey. I need my comfort monkey.

It actually worked. You know,

It actually worked. You know,

It actually worked. You know, I went after poor Punch pretty hard last

I went after poor Punch pretty hard last

I went after poor Punch pretty hard last week.

Said some things,

Said some things,

Said some things, but I get it now. This does help a lot.

but I get it now. This does help a lot.

but I get it now. This does help a lot. By the way, it was crazy. They were sold

By the way, it was crazy. They were sold

By the way, it was crazy. They were sold out. Uh, and this might get me in a

out. Uh, and this might get me in a

out. Uh, and this might get me in a little bit of trouble. I had to go to

little bit of trouble. I had to go to

little bit of trouble. I had to go to Ichawa and take this from Punch. Ah,