Original subtitles

Chili for your boy.

Got the corn bread.

Yeah, all right, all right.

Game on. Okay.

Nice. This is what I'm talking about right here.

Aw, man, I already dipped. What?

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Okay.

Unknown number?

This better be good, because I already dipped.

Marty?

Why you calling from this number?

Oh, is that Malcolm? Let me talk to him.

No, baby, it's Marty.

He's got a flat on the side of the 101.

Oh. Well, why doesn't he just call a tow truck?

For a flat tire?

We Butler men, we don't call a tow truck

for a flat tire.

Say what? You already called 'em?

Oh, oh.

Ask him if Malcolm told him he's seeing someone.

Babe, he's broke down on the side of the road.

Then he has time to talk.

Tell him.

Okay, okay, o-okay, babe.

Marty, no, don't... What?

Since when do you leave work

without your phone or your wallet?

I know you ain't about to eat chili over my nice rug.

I'm not eating chili at all.

Marty, what the hell are you doing here?

Well, hello to you, too, Mommy.

Your dad said that you were stuck on the side of the road.

Well, I think I would know if I were.

Ow!

Why didn't you tell me

that your brother was dating a reality TV star?

He is? Oh, Mercedes!

Please. You're no help.

No, no, I got it.

Uh, the, uh, security code is 314.

Thanks. And zip code?

Zip code?

Marty, you've had the same zip code your whole life.

Sorry, Dad. I'm just a little scrambled.

I want to get home safely.

Okay, all right, all right, just calm down.

Um, the zip code is 91101.

Daddy! How's it going?

Shh. I'm on the phone with Marty.

Thanks, Dad. It just went through.

What the hell?

- Who was that? - That was you.

No, I'm me. That was not me.

If that wasn't you, then who did I just give my credit card to?

Aw, damn. I just got got!

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Yeah, no, my high school mascot is a bear.

Now can you freeze my card, please?

No, I know my favorite movie. It's Training Day.

What do you mean that's not my favorite movie?

I know my favorite movie when I tell you my favorite movie.

Okay, oh, if it's not that, then it's Barbershop.

Hey, Calvin, can you fix a TV?

Dave, Dave, I'm on the phone. No, no.

Do not put me on hold. Sir, do not put me--

They put me on hold.

- What's wrong, Dave? - I punched my TV and broke it.

Been there.

2017, when the Astros cheated the Dodgers.

Ooh. Me, too.

Series finale, Game of Thrones.

'Nuff said.

It wasn't like that.

I was wearing my VR goggles, and I'm trying to knock down

Mushroom Sprites in Pixie Quest 3-D, you know?

I didn't realize my TV was there.

- I mean, you get it. - No, no, I get it.

Those purple mushrooms are so mischievous,

but you got to hit them like this.

Really?

Video games?

See, this is why you can't change a damn tire.

Dad, it wasn't me!

Does this mean we can get into Mercedes' restaurant?

I mean, we should be VIPs.

Expired.

I'm not going to that place.

I could never support a woman who pulled a fire alarm

at a sushi bar just so she could get a table.

You said that was genius.

You love Mercedes. Keep.

Well, that's when she was a trophy diva of Brentwood.

Now she's just a woman that's sinking her claws

into my little boy.

Does cereal go bad?

This box has Gabby Douglas on it.

Aw.

It could be bad, but I ain't throwing Gabby away.

Expired.

Why is he doing this to me? Why is he keeping it a secret?

Because he knows you can be...

What can I be, Gemma?

I don't want to say while I'm standing on a chair.

This is good.

Look, man, I get it.

It's not easy dating a celebrity.

How would you know, Trey?

Don't you remember? I dated Sheridan.

She was on Price Is Right.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She, uh, she-she won the Showcase Showdown?

That's how I went to Greece.

Okay, look, it's not really the same thing, Trey, you know.

Mercedes is an international celebrity.

Uh, Greece is international.

Anyway, all over the Internet, everybody's asking,

"Who's the mystery guy?"

This is what Mercedes was warning me about.

Man, who cares? She's worth it, isn't she?

Yeah, she is. Definitely.

I just-- look, I like my privacy, man.

You know, it's only a matter of time

before I'm in the public eye.

Any day now, some vulture's gonna get my photo

and make a fortune off of it.

Yeah.

That's a damn shame.

That's why I stopped dating celebrities.

You know, I should've known it wasn't you.

Like you could go ten feet without your phone.

I know you're just lashing out.

Am I losing my edge? Am I slipping?

Dad, th-these scammers have gotten so sophisticated,

- it could happen to anyone. - Has it happened to you?

Me?

No.

See, Dave, I come from a time

that if you got taken, they did it to you in person.

They respected you enough to scam you to your face.

Well, Calvin, you know, you wouldn't have gotten taken

if you spent a little more time keeping yourself sharp.

You should do what I do:

puzzles, brainteasers, crosswords.

Oh, uh, what's a four-letter word for

"insufferable know-it-all"?

Ooh, I know this one.

It's "Dave," isn't it?

You are sharp.

You know, Dad,

you could put in a little more effort to be tech-savvy.

I mean, I went through a lot of trouble to install

that Wi-Fi sprinkler system, and you won't even open the app.

I like my hose.

I like to use my thumb to hit the brown spots in my grass.

He won't even use the spray nozzle.

Why would I do that when I have a thumb?

You know, how about you use that same thumb on the app

to hit those same brown spots?

Then I would have a dry thumb. I don't like dry thumb.

Daddy, you are just so resistant to anything new.

You know, Calvin, as long as you stay this stubborn,

stuff like this is gonna keep happening to you.

Well, answer me this:

Why did the voice sound exactly like you?

Well, uh, Calvin,

scammers can clone people's voices

that post things on the Internet.

Well, you don't post on the Internet.

Do you?

I mean, h-have I ever posted anything online?

I'm-I'm sure, in special circumstances.

Marty. Are you forgetting?

He's got a YouTube channel.

Move over.

But I don't post that often.

Calvin, he has got a weekly show.

It's called The Butler Debunked It.

What the hell is that?

Okay, look, I just feel like, as a scientist,

it is my duty to inform the public about misconceptions in

superhero movies.

In-in-in what?

Superhero movies.

Now that I've explained it, we don't need to watch it.

No, no, no. Let's watch this one.

Hard truth.

I don't care how strong Kal-El, aka "Superman," is.

Lifting a building is not just about strength.

It's about that object's ability to withstand

its own weight.

If lifted from a single point,

a skyscraper would collapse...

...and crush everyone in Metropolis.

But they don't tell you that part, okay?

They don't tell you that part.

That is what you learn here at Butler Debunked It,

where the only superpower is science.

Wow.

61 views.

It's-it's only been up for two months.

That's just great.

Now I got to fill out 18 different forms

to get my money back.

I hope your zero seconds of fame was worth it.

Man, I thought the comments section was mean.

This one calls you "Bill Nye the Celibate Guy."

Well, thank you for taking me out for coffee, Mama.

That was a, uh... that was a nice surprise.

Well, I'm always happy to spend time with my firstborn,

who shares everything with me.

Anything else you want to tell me?

I can't think of anything else.

Think harder.

- You know what? - What?

- I just bought an air fryer. - Oh, okay.

Well, do you like it?

It, uh, it hasn't come in yet.

Okay, Malcolm, I drove an hour and paid $34 to park.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

Uh, Mama, I-I told you about

the cat that lives on my front porch.

Right? I-I told you

I got a loyalty card from the coffee place.

I told you I got a birthday email from my optometrist.

I don't have anything else.

Mm-hmm.

Surfing?

Not for me.

Trey, you bought a surfboard?

Nah, nah, people just leave these out for you to use.

I don't think that's true.

Okay. I'm gonna go.

Um, unless there's something new in your life

that you just remembered.

- Is there? - Uh, well...

Miss Tina.

I just got my forklift license.

Aw! That's so nice.

Thank you for sharing something from your life, Trey.

Oh, I hate this, man.

- Keeping secrets from my mama. - So? Tell her about Mercedes.

You said it yourself, it's gonna get out.

Yeah, I know, but I'm not ready.

Well, you should get ready.

It could get out as early as today.

For all we know.

Trey?

You ain't reading no damn book. Trey!

- Is it already out? - For all we know, yes.

- Really, Trey? - I'm sorry. I-I'll get a towel.

I'm not talking about the couch. You sold me out.

- I thought we was boys. - Man, we are boys.

Somebody was gonna get paid.

I'm not gonna let some vulture get paid off my friend's misery.

So now we're making money off your misery.

So you sold me out for a couple of bucks.

Wow.

- Whoa. - Your half.

Just put it in the air fryer for like 30 seconds.

Oh, my God, I better go tell my mama.

She will never forgive me if she hear it from the streets first.

Well, you better hurry up. There's a couple guys out here

trying to take pictures through the window.

Oh!

Just stop posing, Trey!

- I guess it could be Malcolm. - Oh, it definitely is.

Let me zoom in. Look at that. Look at that.

Yo, now it's just a blurry blob.

You can't even recognize your brother's own ear?

It looks just like your dad's.

Look. See? Look at that.

What are you doing?

I'm looking at your ear.

Well, I'm trying to do sudoku.

Why?

Dave was clowning me about getting scammed.

They say doing puzzles sharpen the mind, so...

- Oh. - Ah.

Sudoku, eh?

But that box has nothing but eights in it.

Yeah. That's my eight box.

Ooh, hey, guys.

Uh, can I borrow some muscle?

I need help setting up my brand-new

70-inch flat-screen TV.

Dave, you have a teenage son.

He helped Dave get it into the house.

Took so much out of him he went to bed.

Well, piece of advice, Dave.

Teach the boy how to change a tire.

I didn't have a flat tire!

This is a big TV, Dave.

Yeah, 4K OLED?

That must have been pricey.

One would think.

But I was on my way into the store,

and I saw a guy with this baby in his shopping cart.

He was trying to return the TV

because it was too big for his shelf,

but the return line was too long.

- Yeah, it already sounds sus. - Super sus.

Let me finish.

He didn't want to wait,

so he asked if I would take it off his hands.

He wanted full price,

but, uh, I haggled with him and got $200 off.

Okay.

Well, it's a good thing you didn't pay full price,

because whatever is in this box, it's definitely not a TV.

Yes, it is.

Because, being a savvy consumer,

I made him open the box and show me.

Marty.

- Oh, yeah. - Whoa.

Well, I stand corrected.

Well, damn.

Yeah, I felt bad taking advantage of the guy,

but it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and today I ate dog.

Don't-don't even...

Let's fire this bad boy up.

Well, it certainly is hi-def.

The hell is that?!

Well, Dave, it appears as though

you have bought a Gravy Jack's menu.

No. No.

It must just be on the chicken channel.

Dave, there is no chicken channel.

And that is the remote for an adjustable bed.

You know, after looking at all these ears,

I think it could be Malcolm.

Yeah, you never realize how weird ears look

until you look at a thousand of them.

Hey, Ma, we need to talk.

What-what is it?

Well, remember when you asked me if there was anything new

- going on in my personal life? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I just remembered something.

Mm.

- Mercedes... - Who called it?! - Oh!

- Who called it?! - You.

Okay.

So you knew?

Yes, baby, I knew.

- Oh, Mommy... - And what were you thinking?!

That woman is toxic. She's materialistic.

- She is a drama queen. - Whoa.

Now, now, hold on, Mama.

You were the one who told me to give Mercedes a chance.

A chance to write a book,

not to be out smooching up in public with your ear all out!

My ears are always out.

And I'm trying to tell you she is not who you think she is.

Oh, no, honey, she is not who you think she is.

I have been watching that woman for years,

and she is ruthless.

She doesn't care who gets hurt.

You saw the last episode, when she got Sienna drunk

at the ski chalet and then pushed her off the chairlift!

She went down that mountain faster than the people on skis.

- Full-on makeup. - Just, like, not even an eyelash out of place.

Okay, okay, okay, okay!

Look, Ma, real talk, okay?

We should...

Gemma, I think we could use a little privacy.

- I'll lock the door. - Okay.

Oh. With me on the other side of it.

- Y-Yeah, okay, go. - Yeah.

Call me.

I locked it.

Now, Mama, I know what you gonna say.

What? That Mercedes Selznick once made a whole cruise ship

turn around because she forgot her Birkin bag?

I did not know you were gonna say that.

That woman is a narcissistic nightmare.

Which I love on TV, but not for my son.

See, b-but that's just it, Mama.

You are talking about her TV character.

That's not the Sadie I know.

Sadie? Who's Sadie?

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to tell you. Okay?

She's... she's two different people.

Right, right.

And both of them are wrong for you.

You know, Ma, Grandma told me a story once.

About a woman Pop was seeing.

Said she was all wrong for him.

She was gonna ruin his life.

Yeah, yeah, I get it, Malcolm. That woman was me.

No, that was some woman named Carla.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, she was crazy.

Okay, but Pop had to find out who she was for himself, Ma.

If he had never done that,

he'd be wondering "What if?" his whole life.

All right. Malcolm, I hear you.

You're a grown man.

I just got to let you do stupid things.

Thank you.

And as a veteran of many, many stupid relationships,

I'm telling you, this...

this thing I have with Sadie, it's not stupid, Mama.

What is going on out there?

It's like 15 photographers in front of our house.

Tina, did you tell the news I got scammed?

Yeah, Calvin. 60 Minutes is on the way.

No, no, no, Pop.

It's because I'm in a relationship

with Mercedes Selznick.

Well, all right!

No. No.

Not helping.

Uh, babe, I'm just saying.

She's a rich woman.

Our boy is like the new Stedman.

Ooh, can I get a chicken sandwich?

Buy your own. You rich now.

That was my sandwich.

Back! Back!

It is crazy out there.

They were swarming me like zombies.

And not the slow Walking Dead kind.

The fast-moving World War Z kind.

Save it for your YouTube, Marty.

Well, good luck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're going out there?

We're not the ones dating celebrities.

Ah, come on!

For all you know, I could be Tom Cruise.

Ha, ha!

I don't know how I'm ever gonna get out of here.

Oh, well, I guess you have to move back home with us, baby.

No!

Don't worry, Malcolm.

I can get you out of here.

Thanks to your brother, I have an app for that.

- Oh. - Hey.

- Come on, man. - Okay. Check you out.

Well, hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Great evening, huh?

You guys look like you might be a little thirsty.

- Yeah. - Boom!

Dad.

- That's-that's your flashlight. - Okay, yeah.

H-Hold on just a second. Wait. Um...

And boom!

Yeah.

Ah, yeah. Oh, okay.

Oh, I see they might need a little zone two.

- Yeah, hit 'em with the zone two. - Full power. Boom!

Deuces. Let's go.

Let's go!

- Run, run! - Yeah. Oh, Dad!

There's a guy behind the tree.

Oh, I'm-a have to zone five him with the turbo boost.

Boom!

Let's go!

- Get out of here! - Yeah.

Hey, Malcolm, come on out, man. The coast is clear.

Whew. Hey, thank you, Pop.

- Ah! Paparazzi, two o'clock! - Oh, go.

Go, go, go, go. I got you! I got you! Move, move!

Go! Move, move, move!

Get low, Malcolm! Get low!

Captioning sponsored by CBS

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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org