Original subtitles

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CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT STAR WHORES.

FEZZIE, MAN, IT'S STAR WARS.

SCREW THAT!

HEY, FORMAN, MAN, THIS THING BETTER BE GOOD.

IF I DON'T SEE SOME SPACE JUGS,

I'M GONNA BE SUPER-PISSED.

I DON'T KNOW, GUYS, I HEARD IT'S OKAY.

WELL, THERE'S NO WAY IT'S BETTER THAN

THE PLANET OF THE APES.

I MEAN, THOSE APES WERE REALLY GOOD ACTORS.

[LASER WEAPONS FIRING]

WOAH.

AND THEN THEY GO INTO THIS BAR

AND THERE ARE ALL THESE SPACE CREATURES,

AND THEN SOMEONE MAKES A MISTAKE

AND PICKS ON OBl-WAN KENOBI, AND THEN HE TAKES OUT

HIS LIGHT SABER AND HE GOES "WHOOSH"

AND HE CHOPS THIS GUY'S ARM RIGHT OFF.

AND IT'S A SABER THAT'S MADE OUT OF LIGHT.

WELL, YOU KNOW,

THIS DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A NICE MOVIE.

NOW, "THE WAY WE WERE", THAT'S A NICE MOVIE.

SO ERIC, YOU GOING TO GET YOURSELF SOME

STAR WARS PAJAMAS NOW?

KITTY, I'M GOING BACK TO WORK, FULL-TIME.

OH MY GOD, YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO, I RAN INTO RON MILBANK AT THE K-MART,

AND HE'S MOVED BACK TO REOPEN THE PLANT.

OH.

OH, THIS IS A GODSEND.

OH.

AND TO THINK HOW CLOSE WE CAME

TO LOSING THE HOUSE.

LOSING THE... MOM, YOU SAID WE WERE FINE!

OH, ERIC, HONEY, I LIED.

OH, HONEY, THIS IS THE BEST NEWS.

WELL, I'M... I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU'RE HAPPY.

[GIGGLES]

HEY! WAY TO GO, DADDY!

AH, MY JOB AND MY LITTLE GIRL.

OKAY, SO I'M HERE, TOO, DAD.

OH, AND SPEAKING OF YOU,

I TOLD MILBANK'S SON DAVID TO COME BY TO SEE YOU.

DAVID MILBANK? DAD, I HATED THAT GUY.

YEAH, WELL, I HATE HIS DAD, BUT...

I SMILE LIKE HELL WHENEVER I SEE HIM.

AND YOU'LL DO THE SAME. GOT IT?

GOT IT!

[GIGGLES]

DAVID MILBANK? OH, BARF!

ERIC, REMEMBER WHEN YOU BEAT HIM UP

ON THE PLAYGROUND?

YEP, I KICKED HIS ASS.

WAIT, WASN'T HE THE KID WITH SCOLIOSIS AND ASTHMA?

YEP...

AND I KICKED HIS ASS.

SO, JACKIE,

YOU WANT TO GO SEE STAR WARS TONIGHT?

GOD, MICHAEL, I TOLD YOU I DON'T LIKE SPACE.

JACKIE, IF WE'RE GOING TO START OUR RELATIONSHIP OVER,

YOU GOTTA MEET ME HALFWAY, HONEY.

WELL, MAYBE I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE TONIGHT.

LIKE WHAT?

GOD, JACKIE!

WE CAN DO THAT FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

STAR WARS IS A LIMITED ENGAGEMENT.

FINE, FINE, BUT I WANT THE BIG POPCORN.

AH, THEY FINALLY LEFT.

NOW IT'S JUST THE THREE OF US.

THAT'S GREAT, FEZ.

OH, I GET IT.

IF I WAS GONE, YOU TWO WOULD KISS.

AH, LIFE'S A BITCH, HUH?

(KITTY) ERIC, DAVID'S HERE.

THE SCOLIOSIS-ASTHMA FREAK IS HERE.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS.

[FOOTSTEPS]

HEY, GUYS, I'M BACK.

YEAH, HEY.

WOW, DAVID, YOU'VE REALLY GROWN UP.

ME? LOOK AT YOU.

YOU LOOK REALLY GROWN UP.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE'VE ALL GROWN UP.

YES, BUT HIM MUCH MORE THAN YOU HAVE.

SO, DAVID, HEY...

TELL US ABOUT YOU. WE'RE DATING.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT?

I'M JUST... SORRY, MAKING CONVERSATION HERE.

[SIGHS]

SO, UH, DONNA, ARE YOU STILL WRITING SHORT STORIES?

YEAH, I STILL WRITE A LITTLE.

WELL, NOT EVERY...

UM, YOU STILL WRITE?

I MEAN, I'D LOVE TO READ YOUR STUFF.

YEAH?

WELL, ENOUGH ABOUT US. TELL US ABOUT YOU.

DAVID, YOU STILL GOT THAT BIG OLD CURVE

IN YOUR SPINE?

CAN I SEE IT?

HEY, KELSO.

LAURIE?

I'M BORED.

IF YOU'RE BORED, YOU SHOULD GO SEE STAR WARS.

NO, I WAS THINKING OF DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

LAURIE? WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE YOU'RE LIKING ME, AND THAT'S WEIRD.

IT'S LIKE I TOLD YOU, KELSO, I'M BORED.

WELL, THAT'S VERY FLATTERING...

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, JACKIE AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY APPENDIX SCAR?

ONCE AGAIN, WHAT'S HER NAME AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER!

WELL, IT'S NOT MY BEST STORY, BUT IT'S...

WOW!

I LOVE IT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE?

YEAH. OH MY GOD, YEAH.

I TOTALLY HAVE MORE. I HAVE SOME...

OH, GOD.

OH MY GOD, I AM SO...

YEAH.

SORRY. I'M SO SORRY,

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

OH, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.

HEY, WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?!

I SPILLED SODA ON HIM.

OH.

I SHOULD LEAVE. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, DONNA, GREAT WRITING.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

ME?!

DONNA, HE'S HITTING ON YOU.

HE IS NOT!

WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!

HE TALKS TO ME, LISTENS TO ME,

SHARES IDEAS WITH ME.

OH MY GOD, DONNA. YOU ARE SO NAIVE.

ERIC, JUST 'CAUSE A GUY PAYS ATTENTION TO ME

DOES NOT MEAN HE WANTS TO GET ME NAKED.

OH, GROW UP!

WAS THAT WHY YOU PAID ATTENTION TO ME?

OF COURSE...

NOT. OF COURSE NOT.

I LOVE YOUR MIND.

THAT'S THE THING I LOVE.

SO DONNA SAYS DAVID AND HER ARE JUST GOOD FRIENDS.

AND IF I DON'T BELIEVE THAT...

UM, THEN SHE'S GONNA THINK THAT I DON'T TRUST HER.

ERIC, MAYBE YOU SHOULD LET DAVID HAVE DONNA.

I MEAN, THEY LOOK SO NICE TOGETHER.

YOU SEE, THIS IS WHY YOUR COUNTRY LOST THE WAR.

MY COUNTRY NEVER FOUGHT A WAR.

YEAH, BIG SURPRISE.

YOU KNOW, FORMAN, I'M A ROMANTIC.

SO I SAY YOU CHOKE HIM 'TIL HIS EYES POP OUT.

YEAH, HITTIN' PEOPLE'S COOL.

I DON'T KNOW. IF I HIT THIS GUY,

DONNA'S JUST GONNA BE PISSED.

NO, MAN, CHICKS DIG THAT STUFF.

I MEAN, LEIA, RIGHT?

SHE ACTED LIKE SHE WAS MAD AT HAN,

BUT I COULD TELL SHE LIKED HIM.

KELSO, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT?

LEIA LIKES LUKE.

I MEAN, SHE KISSED HIM ON THAT BRIDGE.

AHH! PFF! JUST FOR LUCK.

GUYS, I HAVE A REAL PROBLEM HERE!

OH, I GOT IT.

MAYBE WE SHOULD LET DAVID HAVE DONNA

BECAUSE, I MEAN, THEY LOOK SO NICE TOGETHER.

OW.

(RED) NOW, REMEMBER, A JEDI IS HIS OWN MASTER.

HIS OWN MASTER...

HIS OWN MASTER.

A JEDI'S POWER LIES WITHIN HIS OWN...

ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?

WHAT? YES.

UH, YOU WERE SAYING...

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH ME?

NO, I DID NOT.

JEDI KNIGHT! HA!

JEDI DUMB-ASS!

LUKE!

I DON'T MEAN TO BUM YOU OUT,

BUT I JUST SAW PRINCESS LEIA CRUISING AROUND

WITH DARTH VADER IN HIS TIE FIGHTER.

RIGHT, CHEWY?

[GROWLS]

MAN, THIS TOTALLY SUCKS. I SHOULD BE HAN.

QUIT WHINING!

[GROWLS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SOMEBODY GET THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T I JUST GET IT MYSELF?

HA-HA-HA-HA.

HONEY, IT'S DARTH VADER.

THANKS, MOM.

OH, UH...

MY GOD!

YOU GUYS JUST GOTTA COME OVER TO THE DARK SIDE.

THEY HAVE FREE FOOD.

HEY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH PRINCESS LEIA?

HEY, GUYS.

LEIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH DARTH VADER?

WELL, WE'RE, UM, JUST FRIENDS, LUKE.

HE'S NICE, I THINK YOU'D REALLY LIKE HIM.

NO, I WOULDN'T.

GIVE ME A CHANCE, LUKE.

[GAGS]

LOOK. HELLO.

HE'S CHOKING ME WITH HIS MIND HERE.

[EVIL LAUGH]

IT'S LIKE, YEAH, EVIL.

[LAUGHING]

WHEN MICHAEL AND I WERE APART,

HE REALIZED HOW MUCH HE MISSED ME.

I'M TELLING YOU, DONNA,

BREAKING UP WITH HIM WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID, LIKE, GETTING A PEDICURE WAS

THE BEST THING YOU EVER DID.

THAT WAS LAST WEEK, DONNA.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT ERIC.

HE'S ACTING LIKE THIS POSSESSIVE, MACHO JERK.

OH, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, DONNA.

NO, JACKIE, I'M WITH HIM BECAUSE I THOUGHT

HE WASN'T LIKE THAT.

MRS. PINCIOTTI, CAN YOU PLEASE TELL DONNA I'M RIGHT?

ISN'T IT COOL WHEN MEN ACT LIKE THEY OWN YOU?

OH, YEAH.

MOM, WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE FEMINIST CLASSES YOU TOOK?

OH, RIGHT.

NO!

HEY, MR. PINCIOTTI. HEY, DAD.

HEY, THERE, ERIC.

HEY, DAD, UH...

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D SHOW ME, LIKE,

A FEW FIGHTING MOVES.

WHO YOU PLANNING TO FIGHT?

DAVID MILBANK.

DAVID MILBANK? HE'S GOT SCOLIOSIS AND ASTHMA.

YOU COULD TAKE HIM.

COME ON NOW, ERIC.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH...

BEAT UP KELSO? I DON'T WORK FOR HIS DAD.

HE'S MAKING A MOVE ON DONNA.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

DONNA'S NOT GOING NEAR THAT PRETZEL BOY.

NO, NO, YOU GOTTA NIP THIS IN THE BUD, ERIC.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THE BRIDGE OF THE NOSE IS VERY VULNERABLE.

OH, OH, AND HIT HIM WITH A BANJO.

A BANJO, BOB?

WHAT? I'M HELPING.

WHERE IS HE GONNA GET A BANJO?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I SAW A GUY GET HIT WITH A BANJO ONCE.

AND HE WENT DOWN.

HITTING A GUY WITH A BANJO IS DIRTY.

YOU WANT TO KNEE HIM IN THE GROIN.

YOU CAN HIT HIM IN THE GROIN WITH A BANJO.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TONIGHT?

OH, AND I YOU SAY SEE STAR WARS AGAIN, I'M LEAVING.

YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE.

YOU WANT TO SEE STAR WARS.

STOP IT! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU.

YOU ARE WEIRD, AND I'M GOING HOME.

JACKIE.

OH, BOY.

THAT'S TERRIBLE THE WAY SHE TREATS YOU.

RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, I SAW STAR WARS, AND I'M NOT A MOVIE EXPERT,

BUT I THINK IT'S SAFE TO SAY,

IT WAS THE GREATEST FILM OF ALL TIME.

FINALLY!

SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, KELSO, I ALWAYS THOUGHT

YOU WERE KIND OF DUMB.

UH-HUH.

BUT I DON'T CARE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T EITHER.

IT'S...

WHERE'S ERIC?

UM, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK YOU DO KNOW, RED.

ALL RIGHT, KITTY.

SOME KID'S BEEN HITTING ON DONNA,

SO HE WENT TO FIGHT HIM, BUT IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

NO BIG DEAL?

YOU MEN ARE SUCH NEANDERTHALS.

FIGHTING OVER A WOMAN. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

IT'S LIKE THAT TIME AT THAT BEACH

WHEN THAT LIFEGUARD PINCHED MY FANNY.

YOU JUST HAD TO LAY HIM OUT, DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, YEAH!

WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT, RED?

WATCHING YOU STAND OVER THAT POOR MAN,

YOUR... YOUR EYES BURNING WITH INTENSITY,

YOUR... YOUR SUNTANNED MUSCLES GLEAMING

LIKE A... LIKE A BRONZE GOD.

OKAY, YOU AND ME, RIGHT NOW!

ERIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, DONNA.

ERIC, STOP IT!

YEAH, GO AHEAD, HOLD ME BACK.

STOP IT!

ERIC, FOR THE LAST TIME,

DAVID HAS NO INTEREST IN ME WHATSOEVER.

YEAH, I DO.

WHAT?

WELL, WHY DO YOU THINK WE'VE BEEN SPENDING

SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER?

'CAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS?

OH, COME ON, DONNA!

I MEAN, I'VE TALKED TO YOU, I'VE LISTENED TO YOU,

I'VE SHARED IDEAS WITH YOU.

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

SHE'S HAVING A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH...

WHAT?!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT TAKES WITH WOMEN.

I MEAN, YOU PUT IN ALL THIS TIME AND EFFORT,

AND THEY WANT TO BE...

[TOGETHER] JUST FRIENDS!

I KNOW. I HATE THAT.

MAN, AND TO THINK I WAS GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.

HEY, YOU HAD EVERY REASON.

DO YOU HEAR THAT, DONNA? "EVERY REASON."

YOU KNOW WHAT, ERIC?

YOU DON'T TRUST ME, AND YOU DON'T RESPECT ME.

NO, NO, DONNA, I WAS JUST TRYING...

(DONNA) GET AWAY FROM ME!

WELL, IT WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED OUT

WITH HER AND ME ANYWAY.

I MEAN, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING,

BUT WE'RE JUST HERE UNTIL MY DAD

CLOSES DOWN THE PLANT.

WAIT. CLOSE?

I... YOUR DAD WAS OPENING THE PLANT FULL-TIME.

YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE BURNING OFF THE INVENTORY,

AND THEN THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE.

MY DAD'S DEPENDING ON THAT JOB.

YEAH, WELL, I GUESS HE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT AHEAD,

LIKE MY DAD.

HEY...

YOU BASTARD! YOU BROKE MY NOSE!

GOOD!

[HEAVY BREATHING LIKE DARTH VADER]

[IMITATES DARTH VADER] YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, FORMAN.

BEFORE I LEAVE, DONNA WILL BE MINE.

HEY, DAD.

HEY, DAD, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

ABSOLUTELY.

ERIC, I AM VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU

FOR FIGHTING.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

SEE YOU IN THE CAR.

WHERE YOU GUYS GOING?

OH, TAKING YOUR MOTHER OUT FOR DINNER AND A MOVIE.

A LITTLE CELEBRATION.

YOU KNOW, SON, SOMETIMES LIFE GIVES YOU

A GOOD BOUNCE.

SO WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

UM... HAVE A GOOD TIME.

OH, YEAH.

HEY, LITTLE BROTHER. I MADE OUT WITH KELSO.

SHUT UP!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

EVERYTHING'S WRONG.

DONNA'S MAD AT ME. AND THE PLANT'S CLOSING.

DAD'S OUT OF A JOB.

OH, WOW.

GUESS THIS IS A BAD TIME TO TELL HIM

I FLUNKED OUT OF COLLEGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, LAURIE?

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE THE FAVORITE.

YEAH.

DOESN'T IT KICK ASS?

OH, THAT VADER'S GOT 'EM.

THERE'S NO WAY OUT OF THIS.

IS THIS A TRUE STORY?

YEAH.

THAT VOICE... OH.

JAMES EARL JONES.

ERIC ACTUALLY LIKE THIS?

THAT KID'S ON DOPE.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE