Original subtitles

♪♪♪

ARE YOU READY?

YES.

OKAY.

TOO SLOW.

OH, I SEE HOW THIS GAME IS DONE.

NOW MY TURN.

READY?

YEAH.

TOO SLOW.

NO, FEZ, THAT'S NOT HOW THE GAME WORKS.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HIT MY HANDS.

TOO SLOW.

FRESH COOKIES.

OH, COOL!

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THEY'RE CAROB, NATURE'S CHOCOLATE.

OH, OH, COME ON.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN IF I HADN'T TOLD YOU.

OH, ERIC, I PICKED OUT A REALLY SNAZZY OUTFIT

FOR YOU TO WEAR ON CAREER DAY.

OH, THAT'S... UM, GOODIE.

WELL, FINE, MR. GRUMPY.

BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW OFF MY LITTLE MAN AT WORK.

YOU KNOW WHAT? ME NEITHER.

WHY CAREER DAY, MAN? IT'S SO LAME.

THAT'S JUST 'CAUSE YOUR MOM'S THE LUNCH LADY.

YOUR MOM IS GROSS EDNA? EWW!

I MEAN, COOL!

YOU BET IT'S COOL.

THAT'S WHY I'M SPENDING THE DAY WITH HYDE AND HIS MOM.

RIGHT?

ERIC, I NEED YOU IN THE GARAGE.

OKAY, LOOK, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU CAN EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID

TO THIS CAR.

OKAY, LOOK, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

HOLD THE LIGHT STEADY.

HIGHER.

NOT IN MY EYES!

DO I LOOK LIKE THE CARBURETOR?

NOT, UM... NOT IN THIS LIGHT.

THAT'S ONE.

SORRY.

JEEZ, ERIC, YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU'D THINK THEY'D TAKE 5 MINUTES

OUT OF TEACHING MACRAMÉ AND SHOW YOU

HOW TO HOLD A DAMN FLASHLIGHT.

DAD, ISN'T THAT WHAT COLLEGE IS FOR?

THAT'S TWO. YOU WANNA GO FOR THREE?

GIVE ME THAT.

AH, SEE? THE DAMN THING IS SHOT.

I NEED A REBUILD KIT.

AH! WE'LL WORK ON THIS TOMORROW.

UH, DAD, TOMORROW'S CAREER DAY.

YEAH, WELL, I'M WORKING HALF DAYS.

I'LL BE HOME BY NOON.

UM... I THINK I'M GONNA GO TO THE HOSPITAL

WITH MOM.

YEAH? WHAT FOR?

WELL, IT'S CAREER DAY, NOT CAREER HALF-DAY.

OKAY, LOOK, THAT'S NOT THREE!

THAT'S WHAT MY TEACHER SAID.

FINE, ERIC.

I'LL, UH, FIX THE CAR AND...

YOU GO WITH YOUR MOM AND SEE IF YOU WANT

TO BE A NURSE.

♪♪♪

♪ HANGIN' OUT ♪

♪ DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD THING ♪

♪ WE DID LAST WEEK ♪

♪ NOT A THING TO DO ♪

♪ BUT TALK TO YOU ♪

♪ WHOA, YEAH ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

♪♪♪

OKAY, SO NOW, THIS IS MY WARD.

UM, I HAVE TO CHECK WITH THE NIGHT NURSE.

YOU SAY HI TO THE GIRLS.

HI, GIRLS.

OH, HI! YOU MUST BE ERIC.

I RECOGNIZE YOU FROM ALL THE PICTURES.

YOUR FACE HAS CLEARED UP REAL NICE.

THANKS FOR NOTICING THAT.

YOU KNOW, YOUR MOM DOES THE WORK OF FIVE NURSES.

THIS PLACE WOULD FALL APART WITHOUT HER.

AND SHE'S SO FUNNY!

OH, YEAH, SHE IS.

UM, WAIT. NO, SHE'S NOT.

OH, YEAH. AND SHE DRAWS THESE FUNNY CARTOONS.

SEE?

NOW, I WARN YOU, IT'S A LITTLE RACY, BUT...

OH... HONEY!

YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT.

IT'S JUST, UM, A CERTAIN BODY PART

HAS BEEN SHOVED UP ANOTHER BODY PART

FOR COMIC EFFECT.

SO, UM, HAVE YOU MET EVERYBODY?

AH, NURSE FORMAN, I JUST TALKED TO THE LAB.

WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING DOWN THAT BLOOD SAMPLE?

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.

I MOST CERTAINLY DID.

WELL, THE NEXT TIME I HAVE SOMETHING TO GIVE YOU,

YOU TELL ME.

WILL DO.

WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?

WELL, YOU ALL KNOW MY THEORY.

EDNA.

STEVEN.

FEZ, THIS IS, UH, THIS IS MY MOM.

NICE TO MEET YOU, MRS. GROSS EDNA.

NO, NO, NO, HONEY. IT'S MISS GROSS EDNA.

YOU SEE, MR. GROSS EDNA RAN OFF WITH MISS PERFECT ASS.

BUT SHE CAN LAUGH ABOUT IT NOW.

YES, SHE CAN SHUT UP.

WELL, I AM SO EXCITED TO BE

IN THE FOOD SERVICE INDUSTRY.

MAY I CUT THE CHEESE?

IS HE KIDDING?

WE CAN NEVER TELL.

WELL, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT,

BUT IF YOU CUT OFF A FINGER, YOU'RE OUTTA HERE.

STEVEN, YOU CAN START BY SLICING PIZZA.

OH, NO, NO, NO. I'M HERE AS AN OBSERVER.

A FLY ON THE WALL. ONE OF MANY.

GEE, WHAT A SURPRISE.

LAZY, JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER.

NO, ACTUALLY, I'M LAZY IN A WAY

THAT'S ENTIRELY MY OWN.

YOU TWO ARE HILARIOUS.

HERE, PUT THESE ON.

I'M NOT WEARING THESE.

WELL, SORRY. DON'T BLAME ME.

IT'S THE STUPID... [COUGHING]

IT'S THOSE HEALTH CODES.

MAY I KEEP THESE?

SURE, BABY.

THIS IS SO COOL.

MY DAD'S OFFICE.

MY DAD'S DESK.

DAD'S PHONE... DING, DING.

MY DAD!

OH! OH!

DAD, I LOVE THIS.

YEAH, MICHAEL, THIS IS WHERE ALL THE MAGIC HAPPENS.

OKAY, LET'S GET STARTED.

QUESTION NUMBER ONE: WHAT'S YOUR JOB?

I'M SENIOR EXECUTIVE

STATISTICAL ANALYSIS TECHNICIAN.

YOU'RE A SENIOR EXECU-WHAT?

WELL, IN PLAIN ENGLISH, I CONCATENATE DIVERSE

STATISTICAL INFORMATION AND MAXIMIZE

THE POTENTIAL UTILIZATION OF DATA.

SO, YOU GIVE PEOPLE DATA.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT.

NO.

MY JOB'S NOT ABOUT OUTPUT. IT'S ABOUT THROUGHPUT.

SO, YOU THROUGHPUT DATA?

WELL, NOW YOU'VE LOST ME, SON.

OH, LISTEN, MICHAEL, YOU KNOW THE 8-TRACKS

YOU LOVE SO MUCH?

YOU MAKE THEM!

NO.

BUT BECAUSE OF US,

OTHER PEOPLE WHO MAKE THEM ARE ABLE TO MAKE THEM BETTER.

SO YOU FIX STUFF.

YOU COULD SAY THAT.

BUT I WOULDN'T.

YOU PICKED A GOOD DAY TO DO THIS, DONNA.

WE'RE STARTIN' A 3-DAY PROMOTIONAL SALE.

YOU'LL FINALLY GET TO SEE WHY THEY CALL ME BARGAIN BOB.

YEAH, DAD, 'CAUSE THAT'S BEEN A REAL STUMPER.

OOH, YOU'RE SUCH A CUTIE.

WELL, YOU KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED

AND YOUR PENCIL SHARP, BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA LEARN

HOW A SERIOUS BUSINESSMAN OPERATES.

OH, GOOD. THE CLOWNS ARE HERE.

OH, HELLO, MR. FORMAN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME?

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE ONLY WORKING PART-TIME.

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

MY DAD FEELS REALLY, REALLY SORRY FOR YOU.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE AT CAREER DAY?

NO, I'M A SOPHOMORE.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT ME.

RIGHT. MY MISTAKE.

UH, LISTEN, WHILE YOU'RE HERE,

WHY DON'T YOU HOLD THIS FLASHLIGHT

ON THAT CARBURETOR THERE?

LIKE THIS?

♪♪♪

MY GOD!

ONE OF YOU IS NOT USELESS.

(MALE TV ANNOUNCER) A WORLD OF CAREERS IS WAITING FOR YOU.

TALK TO YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TODAY.

THESE PEOPLE ARE READY FOR THE JOBS OF TOMORROW.

ARE YOU?

GOOD MORNING. THIS IS MY SON.

HE'S MAKING MY ROUNDS WITH ME.

NOW, YOU LET ME KNOW IF THIS GETS TO BE

TOO MUCH FOR YOU.

OKAY, MOM, I THINK THAT I CAN HANDLE IT...

OH, GOOD GOD! WHAT IS THAT?!

REMEMBER THIS THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO SKATEBOARD.

I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

OH, I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.

[WOMAN GROANING]

OKAY NOW, PUSH!

OW! MA'AM, YOU'RE HURTING ME!

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!

OKAY.

[SCREAMING]

ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS THE PERFORMANCE INDEX BEFORE MY INVOLVEMENT.

AND THIS... IS AFTER.

OKAY, OKAY, SO YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.

YOU CAN'T CREDIT ME WITH THAT.

THAT'S PROBABLY A STATISTICAL ANOMALY.

BUT YOU MADE THE CHART, RIGHT?

I WISH!

SO DO I!

OKAY, QUESTION NUMBER THREE:

WAS THE FOOD SERVICE INDUSTRY YOUR FIRST CAREER CHOICE?

HECK NO, FEZ.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO INTO SHOW BIZ.

IN FACT, I WAS IN THE TOMMY BARTLETT

WATER SHOW AT THE WISCONSIN DELLS.

YES! WOMEN WATER-SKIING IN BIKINIS.

VERY EROTIC.

ANYWAY, I WAS THE TOP GIRL

ON THE PYRAMID.

AND THEY FIRED ME FOR GETTIN' KNOCKED UP.

LET ME FINISH THIS ONE FOR YA, EDNA.

FEZ, THIS IS THE STORY WHERE I RUIN MY MOTHER'S FABULOUS

WATER-SKIING CAREER.

YEAH, WELL, YOU DID.

THEY SAID THAT A PREGNANT GIRL

ON WATER SKIS WOULD MAKE THE AUDIENCE NERVOUS.

NOT TO MENTION, YOU WERE PROBABLY HIDEOUSLY FAT.

HEY, NO, NO, NO. I LOOKED GREAT.

I KEPT MY WEIGHT DOWN BY SMOKING.

SEE, THAT'S THAT MATERNAL INSTINCT KICKING IN AGAIN.

HEY, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M MATERNAL.

I RAISED YOU ALONE.

ALONE? HARDLY.

THERE WAS "UNCLE" CHET AND "UNCLE" LARRY AND...

OH, YEAH, "UNCLE" HOT TUB JOHNNY.

I SUPPOSE I SHOULD HAVE JUST BECOME A NUN

WHEN YOUR FATHER WALKED OUT ON ME.

HELL, HE MUST HAVE BEEN CRAZY TO LEAVE ALL THIS.

ALWAYS A SMART ASS, STEVEN, JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ONE THING HE DID DO RIGHT? HE LEFT!

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT, STEVEN!

JUST WALK!

JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

OKAY, QUESTION NUMBER FOUR:

WOULD YOU SAY YOU ARE A PEOPLE PERSON?

♪♪♪

COME ON, JACKIE, HARDER!

COME ON! GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!

YEAH!

OH, I DID IT! AAH!

I'M CHANGING A TIRE!

I FEEL LIKE NANCY DREW!

WELL, A GIRL NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT TO DO

IN AN EMERGENCY.

I'M SURPRISED THAT YOUR FATHER

HASN'T TAUGHT YOU THIS ALREADY.

YEAH, WELL, DADDY WORKS REALLY HARD,

SO HE DOESN'T SPEND A LOT OF TIME WITH ME.

BUT HE DID PROMISE ME A MUSTANG FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

SO I LOVE HIM.

YOU KNOW, JACKIE, I'VE BEEN A FATHER A LONG TIME.

SO TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YA THIS.

THE MUSTANG'S FRONT END IS PROBLEMATIC.

GET YOURSELF A FIREBIRD.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S START MR. HARRIS

ON A FULL COURSE OF PENICILLIN.

OH, UM, DOCTOR,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CONSIDER ERYTHROMYCIN.

AND WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT, NURSE?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT, UH, MR. HARRIS IS ALLERGIC

TO PENICILLIN,

AND I THOUGHT ERYTHROMYCIN MIGHT MAKE HIM

A TOUCH LESS DEAD.

I KNOW THAT WHEN I GO TO THE HOSPITAL,

I LIKE TO NOT DIE.

OKAY...

DO YOU HAVE... CUSTOMERS?

NO, THEY'RE MORE LIKE CLIENTS.

BUT YOU HAVE CLIENTS.

SORT OF.

AND YOU PROVIDE THEM A PRODUCT?

IT'S MORE LIKE A SERVICE.

WELL, NOT...

TO MAXIMIZE THE POTENTIAL UTILIZATION OF THE DATA.

IF WE DID THAT, WE'D GO OUT OF BUSINESS.

HEY, RED. IS FORMAN AROUND?

NO, HE'S WITH HIS MOM FOR CAREER DAY.

WHICH IS WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

OH, MAN.

EDNA'S RIDING ME AGAIN ABOUT BEING JUST LIKE MY DAD,

SO I JUST TOOK OFF.

DIDN'T YOUR DAD, EH, TAKE OFF?

HMM, IRONY. FAR OUT.

LOOK, YOU AND YOUR MOM HAVE A BAD HISTORY.

AND NEITHER OF YOU CAN NURTURE THE OTHER'S SELF-ESTEEM

BECAUSE YOU'VE BOTH BEEN DAMAGED BY PAST CRITICISM

OR SHAME.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M WORKING HALF-DAYS, SO I WATCH A LOT OF DONAHUE.

I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK I FOUND THE U-JOINTS.

GOD BLESS YOU, JACKIE.

OKAY, I'M GOING BACK IN.

WILL SOMEONE HELP ME GET MR. ANDERSON

ON THE GURNEY, PLEASE?

OH, I'LL GIVE YOU A HAND, MOM.

OKAY.

SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

HE'S DEAD.

OH MY GOODNESS!

WHAT?!

DIDN'T WE JUST SEE THIS GUY A HALF AN HOUR AGO?

OH, UM, HONEY, HE WAS DEAD THEN.

I JUST... I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL YOU.

I'M SO SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO MEET HIM.

WAIT, MR. ANDERSON.

ISN'T THIS THE GUY YOU ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT AT DINNER?

THE GUY WHOSE DAUGHTER JUST GOT MARRIED?

YEAH, YEAH.

HE JUST SHOWED ME THE PICTURES.

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.

I'M GONNA MISS HIM.

SO... OKAY, YOU GRAB THAT END,

AND LET'S GET MOVING.

WE HAVE TO SERVE DINNER IN 20 MINUTES.

AND THEN WE LOOK AT THE KEl-SQUARED HERE,

APPLY THE STANDARD DEVIATION HERE...

AND CORRELATE THE RESULTS

WITH THE ACTUALIZATION MEDIAN HERE,

AND THAT IS WHAT I DO.

AND I CAN'T MAKE IT ANY CLEARER THAN THAT.

I'M JUST GONNA SAY YOU'RE A FARMER.

[WHISTLING] TWEET! TWEET!

OKAY, THE NEXT QUESTION:

WHAT HAS THIS JOB TAUGHT YOU?

ONE THING I'VE LEARNED, MIDGETS MAKE MONEY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT PEOPLE SEE A MIDGET, THEY WANT TO BUY A BLENDER.

I GUESS IT REMINDS THEM THAT LIFE IS SHORT.

AH, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

WRITE, WRITE, WRITE, WRITE, WRITE.

[DONNA THINKING TO SELF] MARKETING'S IMPORTANT.

KNOW YOUR CUSTOMER.

HEY, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

NONE OF THIS IS WHAT I SAID.

WELL, SURE IT IS, DAD.

I MEAN, I JUST CLEANED UP THE LANGUAGE A BIT

TO MAKE YOU SOUND MORE DIGNIFIED.

DIGNIFIED?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

YOU'RE EMBARRASSED BY ME?

WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE THAT'S EMBARRASSING?

JUST LOOK AROUND.

ALL RIGHT.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I SEE.

YOU SEE CLOWNS,

I SEE YOUR TUITION AT HARVARD.

YOU SEE YOUR DAD AS A RINGMASTER,

I SEE YOU GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL.

YOU SEE A CHIMPANZEE IN A TUTU...

OKAY, THAT JUST MAKES ME LAUGH.

THE CHIMP IS CUTE.

THE POINT IS, DONNA, YOU'RE CAPABLE OF GREAT THINGS.

AND IF THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO

SO YOU CAN ACHIEVE THEM, THEN THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.

AW, JEEZ, DAD... I FEEL REALLY BAD.

HEY, HEY.

NOBODY FEELS REALLY BAD AROUND BARGAIN BOB.

UNLESS YOU GET BIT BY A MONKEY.

[SINGING ALONG WITH RADIO] ♪ BAD, BAD ♪

♪ BLOOD, BLOOD ♪

♪ IS TAKIN' YOU FOR A RIDE ♪

♪ THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT BAD BLOOD ♪

♪ IS LETTIN' IT SLIDE ♪

HOW CAN YOU SING WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS AROUND

THE SICK AND DYING?

♪ DO-RUN, DO-RUN, DO-DO-DO-DO-RUN-RUN ♪

I MEAN, POOR MR. ANDERSON, YOU KNEW THIS GUY, MOM!

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH ALL THIS?

♪ HERE WE GO NOW ♪

♪ BAD ♪ ♪ BAD ♪

♪ BLOOD ♪ ♪ BLOOD ♪

♪ THE BITCH IS IN HER SMILE ♪

♪ THE LIE IS ON HER LIPS ♪

♪ SUCH AN EVIL CHILD ♪

[MUSIC ON RADIO] ♪ BAD ♪ ♪ BAD ♪

♪ BLOOD ♪ ♪ BLOOD ♪

♪ IS TAKIN' YOU FOR A RIDE ♪

♪ THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT BAD BLOOD ♪

♪ IS LETTIN' IT SLIDE ♪

WHOA-HO-HO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THROWING OUT THE DISGUSTING USED MEAT.

NO, NO, NO, SWEETIE.

YOU GOT TO TOSS THAT IN THE CHILI BUCKET.

THE CHILI BUCKET?

I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE GARBAGE.

OH NO.

HAVE YOU THROWN A LOT IN THERE?

SOME.

WELL, THOSE THINGS JUST BREAK DOWN IN THERE.

IT'LL BE FINE.

HI.

STEVEN, YOU CAME BACK.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME.

OH YEAH?

YEAH.

HONEY, COULD YOU CLEAN OUT THOSE PIZZA TRAYS?

I'M GONNA SKIP OUT EARLY.

MMM, GUESS WHAT I DID IN THE CHILI BUCKET.

GO AHEAD. GUESS.

UH, STEVEN, I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT BEING A VERY GOOD MOM, AM I?

NO.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT A BETTER IDEA.

LET'S DO SOMETHING TOGETHER.

COME ON. I'LL BUY YA A BEER.

A BEER?

WELL, YEAH, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

GOT YOUR FAKE ID?

YOU KNOW IT!

THAT'S MY BOY!

♪ BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, OOOH ♪

AUTUMN IS HARVEST TIME FOR THE FARMER.

AT DAWN, MY DAD AND I WERE OUT IN THE FIELD

PICKING CARROTS FRESH OFF THE TREES.

KELSO, CARROTS DON'T...

THAT'S GOOD. YOU SHOULD PUT THAT DOWN.

SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANNA DO WHEN YOU GRADUATE?

OH, UM...

NOT TOUCH DEAD PEOPLE, EVER.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY HOMELAND

WITH ALL THE KNOWLEDGE I'VE LEARNED HERE IN WISCONSIN

AND RULE WITH AN IRON FIST!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

HEY, DAD.

HEY, UM... JACKIE?

HEY, ERIC. HOW WAS CAREER DAY?

IT WAS GOOD. I LEARNED A LOT.

GOOD, NOW YOU'RE GONNA LEARN SOMETHING ELSE.

JACKIE'S GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO HOLD A FLASHLIGHT.

JACKIE?

YEAH, I'VE FINALLY FOUND ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS I LIKE.

BUT JACKIE ISN'T REALLY ONE OF MY FRIENDS.

THAT'S ONE.

THAT'S HOW YOU DO THAT.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE