Original subtitles

♪ JUST SIT RIGHT BACK AND YOU'LL HEAR A TALE ♪

♪ A TALE OF FATEFUL TRIP ♪

♪ THAT STARTED FROM THIS TROPIC PORT ♪

♪ ABOARD THIS TINY SHIP ♪

♪ THE MATE WAS A MIGHTY SAILIN' MAN ♪

♪ THE SKIPPER BRAVE AND SURE... ♪♪

OW! GET OFF ME, MOOSE!

OH, GOD, ERIC, I DIDN'T SEE YOU SITTING THERE.

YOU REALLY SHOULD WORK ON BULKING UP.

OH! AAH!

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

HEY, "GILLIGAN" IS ON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE FLOOR?

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GET A ROOM?

WE HAVE A ROOM, HYDE.

IT'S CALLED MY BASEMENT.

WELL, I'M GOING HOME.

BYE, GUYS.

OH, SO, DONNA, DON'T FORGET:

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT AT THE LIBRARY, RIGHT?

YEAH, RIGHT.

I'LL WALK YOU HOME.

SHE LIVES RIGHT NEXT DOOR, MAN.

YEAH.

DONNA.

UM...

ABOUT TOMORROW NIGHT.

I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE YOU AND I COULD GO OUT TO DINNER

FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

OH, HYDE ASKED ME TO STUDY AT THE LIBRARY.

WELL, I MEAN, YOU CAN DO THAT ANY TIME, RIGHT?

UM... YEAH. YEAH, I'D LOVE TO GO. MM-HMM.

THAT'S GREAT. UM...

SO, THEN IT'S, UH...

IT'S A DATE.

OUR FIRST.

YEAH.

IF YOU DON'T COUNT ALL THE TIMES I MAULED YOU.

YEAH. UM...

WHICH I DON'T. SO, ALL RIGHT.

HEY, GUYS.

SO...

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'LL, UH... TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER.

SO, ERIC...

WHAT WERE YOU AND DONNA TALKING ALL HOT AND HEAVY ABOUT?

YOUR HAIR. REALLY?

NO.

WE'RE GOING OUT TO DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.

FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

UH... NO, NO, NO.

DONNA AND I ARE GOING TO THE LIBRARY

TO STUDY TOMORROW NIGHT.

ON VALENTINE'S DAY? WHO STUDIES ON VALENTINE'S DAY?

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS VALENTINE'S DAY

WHEN I MADE THE DATE.

TO STUDY.

WELL, I'M SURE SHE JUST FORGOT ABOUT YOU.

WE JUST TALKED ABOUT IT A MINUTE AGO!

WOMEN, YOU KNOW.

ANYWAY, UH...

I'M GOING TO GIVE DONNA MY CLASS RING.

[GASPS]

NO. FORGET RINGS.

YOU WANT TO SCORE WITH DONNA,

USE MY SUPER FUNK 8-TRACK.

ANYWAY, I FIGURE IT'S TIME TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL.

I MEAN, SHE'S JUST BEEN WAITING FOR ANY JERK

TO SWOOP DOWN ON HER.

AND YOU'RE THAT JERK.

WELL, BETTER ME THAN SOME OTHER JERK.

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME? HYDE IS THE OTHER JERK.

♪ HANGIN' OUT ♪

♪ DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD THING ♪

♪ WE DID LAST WEEK ♪

♪ NOT A THING TO DO ♪

♪ BUT TALK TO YOU ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

SO...

ERIC AND DONNA ARE GOING OUT SATURDAY NIGHT.

THAT MEANS WE HAVE NO WHEELS.

WELL, I CAN BORROW MY DAD'S CAR.

WHOA...

IT'S A LINCOLN; LEATHER.

OH! YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?

WE SHOULD DITCH HYDE AND FEZ AND MAKE OUT IN THE BACK SEAT.

YOU SAID THAT OUT LOUD.

YEAH, I DON'T CARE.

HEY, YEAH, I KNOW. WE CAN GO SHOPPING FOR CLOGS.

PICK ME UP AT 7:00.

YEAH, WELL, HAVE FUN, MAN. I'M OUT.

OH, WE WON'T BE SHOPPING.

WE'LL BE DOING IT.

AGAIN.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

WE DO IT!

THEN I'M IN.

UHH... NO.

YOU'RE NOT INVITED, FEZ.

OH. THEN I'M OUT.

YEAH.

WELL, LATER.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, LITTLE BUDDY.

YEAH, FEZ, WHICH IS REALLY WRONG, MAN,

'CAUSE I HAD PLANS WITH DONNA

UNTIL FORMAN SNAKED ME.

HUH! WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT

SHE WOULD RATHER GO TO A NICE RESTAURANT

THAN A SMELLY OLD LIBRARY?

YOU WILL LAUGH LATER.

SO... LET ME SEE.

GO AHEAD. SHOW YOUR MOTHER.

OH, MY GOSH, THAT IS SNAZZY.

THAT IS A SNAZZY JACKET.

DAMN GOOD THING I WENT WITH HIM.

HE WANTED TO BUY A LEISURE SUIT.

COME ON, DAD, LEISURE SUITS ARE COOL.

EVERYBODY WEARS THEM.

LEISURE SUITS ARE FOR DUMB ASSES,

BELIEVE ME.

HEY, THERE!

WHOA, LOOKING SHARP FOR YOUR BIG DATE, HUH?

OH, WHO KNEW OUR TWO LITTLE TYKES

WOULD GROW UP TO BE DATING?

OH, NO. I HAVE AN IDEA.

LET'S HAVE DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT, JUST THE PARENTS.

I'LL FONDUE. AH-HA HA HA!

YES, AND THAT'LL GIVE US A CHANCE

TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FUTURE.

OH, RIGHT...

WE CAN PLAN A BIG WEDDING.

I KNOW YOU'RE JOKING, BUT, UH...

COULD YOU PLEASE STOP?

[EVERYONE TALKING]

♪♪♪

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, MICHAEL.

WHAT?

YOU CAN'T JUST MAUL ME IN FRONT OF MY FATHER.

I BET HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

HE YELLED AT YOU TO STOP IT.

OH.

I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO YOU.

OKAY, MICHAEL,

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

EVER SINCE WE...

WE...

DID IT?

CAN YOU PLEASE USE A MORE BEAUTIFUL TERM?

LIKE WHAT?

WELL, LIKE...

"PROVED OUR LOVE."

YEAH, BUT "DID IT" SOUNDS SO MUCH COOLER.

OKAY, JUST TAKE ME TO THE MALL.

WE'RE NOT REALLY GOING SHOPPING, ARE WE?

YES. I NEED CLOGS.

OH.

GOSH DARN!

THAT IS A SNAZZY JACKET!

YES, SIR.

BROWN IS YOUR COLOR.

THANKS, DAD.

UH, NO, NO, NO, MOM, NO, NO.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING:

ORDER THE DINNER.

A LA CARTE'S A SUCKER'S BET.

AND REMEMBER:

PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER,

THE SMALL FORK IS FOR THE SALAD,

AND THIS JACKET'S GOT TO LAST YOU

ALL THE WAY THROUGH COLLEGE,

SO DON'T SPILL ANY CRAP ON IT.

HERE YOU GO.

HAVE FUN.

OH... AHH...

SHALL WE?

GOOD GOD, YES!

OH! SMILE!

OH, NOW IF SHE GETS TO DO IT, I GET TO DO IT!

WOW! TALK ABOUT PRESSURE, HUH?

YEAH. I MEAN, THIS IS A HUGE DEAL.

TO OUR PARENTS.

[MUSIC ON RADIO] ♪ MOVE IT IN, MOVE IT OUT ♪

♪ SHOVE IT IN, PULL IT OUT ♪

♪ DISCO LADY ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT ME SO SET ♪

♪ HERE IN THIS DISCOTHEQUE ♪

♪ YEAH, YOU'RE MOVING ME ♪

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

OH, LET'S GO TO THE HUB.

I GOT MY EYE ON THIS PLUMP GIRL.

SOUNDS GOOD, MAN, BUT I'LL PASS.

POOR HYDE.

WHAT?

YOU LOVE DONNA, AND SHE'S WITH YOUR GOOD FRIEND ERIC.

AND?

AND THAT'S THE OLDEST STORY IN THE WORLD.

AND A SAD ONE, AT THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN? I HAD A CHANCE,

AND I DIDN'T TAKE IT.

AND ONCE FORMAN GIVES HER THAT RING, MAN,

THEY'RE GOING OUT...

AND IT WOULD BE REALLY SCUMMY

TO HIT ON HER THEN.

NOT THAT I WOULDN'T DO IT.

IT JUST WOULD BE REALLY SCUMMY.

IF YOU DON'T TELL DONNA HOW YOU FEEL,

THEN YOU WILL REGRET IT.

I'M GOING TO THE VINEYARD.

GOOD FOR YOU!

OH, DON'T TELL ERIC WHAT I SAID,

BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE HIS BASEMENT.

WELL, THIS IS... QUITE A MENU.

YEAH.

YOU GOT ENOUGH MONEY?

OH, YEAH. FOR ME.

OH, I'M SORRY, WERE YOU GOING TO EAT SOMETHING TOO?

ACTUALLY, UH... I'M IN THE MOOD FOR CHICKEN.

OH, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

I, TOO, AM ORDERING THE CHEAPEST THING ON THE MENU.

YOU LOOK REALLY NICE TONIGHT.

OH, SO DO YOU.

LOOK, DONNA...

HELLO!

CAN I START YOU FOLKS OFF WITH DRINKS?

WELL, SU... AHEM!

[DEEP VOICE] I'LL HAVE A BEER.

ALL RIGHT.

UM... I'D LIKE AN ICED TEA.

HE DIDN'T EVEN PROOF ME!

IT MUST BE THE JACKET.

WHAT SIDEBURNS?

THESE SIDEBURNS, RIGHT?

THESE...

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CALL IT FONDUE.

THEY SHOULD CALL IT "FUNDUE"

'CAUSE IT IS "FUN."

I LOVE FONDUE. IT'S GOURMET!

SO, WHAT DO WE DO HERE, KITTY?

OKAY, NOW, UM, WHAT YOU DO IS

YOU PUT A PIECE OF STEAK ON YOUR FONDUE FORK...

NOW, HOW HOT EXACTLY IS THIS?

NO, NO, BOB! THAT IS A FON-DON'T!

DON'T... PUT YOUR HAND IN THE HOT OIL.

WHO KNEW YOU COULDN'T PUT YOUR HAND IN THE HOT OIL?

HERE, CHICKEN, CHICKEN, CHICKEN!

DONNA. SHH. PLEASE.

[WHISPERING] OH, I'M SORRY.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I AM GREAT.

I THINK YOU'RE DRUNK.

OH.

I THINK I AM, TOO.

HOW COULD I BE DRUNK?

WELL, THERE'S ABOUT 5 SHOTS OF ALCOHOL

IN THE LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA?

YEAH. WELL, YOU GUYS ORDERED DRINKS.

AND I'M READY FOR ANOTHER ONE!

NO! SHE'S GOOD! THANK YOU. THANKS.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANKS.

I LOVE YOUR LITTLE BUTT, ERIC.

OH!

IT'S SO LITTLE.

YEAH, YEAH.

AND YOU'RE SO GOOD, ERIC. YOU'RE...

SO DARN GOOD.

I THINK IT'S COFFEE TIME.

YOU'RE SO GOOD, IT MAKES ME HOT.

OR TIME FOR ANOTHER ICED TEA, MAN.

SING TO ME, ERIC.

Y-YOU KNOW, I DON'T SING... SING ME A SONG.

DO IT, OR I'LL SCREAM!

♪ MOVE IT IN, MOVE IT OUT ♪

♪ SHOVE IT IN, SHOVE IT OUT ♪

♪ DISCO LADY ♪

♪ MOVE IT IN, MOVE IT OUT ♪

♪ SHOVE IT IN, ALL ABOUT ♪

WHOA.

WELL, JACKIE,

IT'S NOW 9:00, WHICH MEANS THAT EVERY SHOE STORE

IN THE GREATER OSHKOSH AREA

IS CLOSED FOR THE NIGHT.

SO...

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?

HEY! LET'S GO LOOK AT THE NEW CORVETTES!

OH, YEAH! UH...

I MEAN...

NO.

THAT JUST SOUNDS BORING.

WELL...

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT WE COULD DO?

WE COULD, UH...

"PROVE OUR LOVE" TO EACH OTHER AGAIN.

NO, MICHAEL,

WE ARE NOT GOING TO...

"PROVE OUR LOVE" EVERY SINGLE TIME WE HAVE A CHANCE.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

AND JUST BECAUSE WE DID IT ONCE

DOES NOT MEAN WE'RE EVER GOING TO DO IT AGAIN.

OKAY, WELL, NOW YOU'RE JUST TALKING CRAZY.

NO, MICHAEL. NO, I'M NOT.

AND IF YOU THINK THAT'S HOW IT'S GOING TO WORK, MICHAEL,

WELL, THEN YOU'RE WRONG.

WELL, DAMN, JACKIE!

SO, I SPEND ALL NIGHT LOOKING FOR YOUR... YOUR...

YOUR STUPID SHOES, AND WE'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO...

NO.

FINE!

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT?

[WEAKLY] YEAH.

OKAY, LET'S DO IT.

CRAP! OUCH!

YAAH! AAH!

JEEZ! SHOOT!

MY EYE!

GOD...

[THUMP] IT'S SO...

[THUMP] CROWDED...

[THUMP] IN HERE!

[THUMP] ERIC!

MEET ME UNDER THE TABLE.

DONNA, NO.

NO... WELL... NO! LOOK, DONNA...

COME ON. UH, WAITER. WAITER?

UH... OKAY.

I'M GOING TO GO GET YOU SOME COFFEE,

SO... NO GOING UNDER THE TABLE AND NO SINGING.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

PEOPLE, THE CHICKEN HERE IS EXCELLENT.

HEY...

HYDE'S HERE!

HI, HYDE.

HEY, DONNA. UH...

WHERE'S FORMAN?

COFFEE.

OKAY, LOOK, I'M JUST GOING TO SAY THIS, ALL RIGHT?

DONNA, I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU...

AND I THINK THAT YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME.

AND FORMAN'S GOING TO GIVE YOU HIS RING,

AND I HOPE THAT BEFORE YOU TAKE IT, YOU THINK ABOUT...

BEEP!

HEY, ERIC.

HYDE'S HERE.

♪ HYDE-EE HYDE-EE HYDE-EE HYDE-EE ♪

HEY, WE'RE ON A DATE HERE.

YEAH, MAN, WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T BE,

BECAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE LIBRARY!

HYDE, IF SHE WANTED TO BE AT THE LIBRARY,

SHE'D BE AT THE LIBRARY.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "OH, MY GOD"?

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

LOOK, WHEN MY DATE'S DONE PUKING...

YOU'D BETTER NOT BE HERE.

EXCUSE ME. HI.

CAN I GET THIS IN A DOGGIE BAG, PLEASE?

THANKS.

OH, AND I'M IN A HURRY.

I FEEL SO CLOSE TO YOU, MICHAEL.

MICHAEL AND JACKIE, JACKIE AND MICHAEL.

DOESN'T THAT SOUND GOOD?

MICHAEL AND JACKIE.

TRUE LOVE. ALWAYS.

FOREVER.

FOREVER?

FOREVER.

DANCES...

LONG WALKS...

CANDLES...

FLOWERS...

BABIES! HOUSE.

SHACKLE. CHAIN.

DESPAIR. PRISON.

DEATH!

OHH...

NNN...

JONATHAN SEAGULL DISCOVERED...

THAT BOREDOM...

FEAR!

AND ANGER...

ARE THE REASONS A GULL'S LIFE IS SO SHORT,

AND WITH THIS GONE FROM HIS THOUGHT,

HE LIVED A LOOONG...

FINE LIFE INDEED!

BRAVO!

MMMWAH!

ISN'T SHE A HOT TOMATO?

OH, JEEZ...

TO THE LOVEMAKING.

OOH! HEE HEE...

WE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.

MY GOD!

SHH! SHH! SHH!

OKAY, THEY'RE GONE.

THEY USED TO BE NORMAL.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THEM?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

HOW CAN SHE NOT EAT MEAT? THAT CAN'T BE HEALTHY.

REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO GO ON VACATION TOGETHER?

BOB AND I USED TO GO FISHING, DRINK BEERS...

I MEAN, WE USED TO HAVE FUN WITH THEM.

NOW THEY'RE INTO EVERY FAD THERE IS.

THINGS CHANGE, KITTY.

WELL, WE DON'T.

WELL...

WE DON'T HAVE TO.

WE'RE CLASSIC.

YOU KNOW...

MIDGE WASN'T WEARING A BRA TONIGHT.

YEAH.

BOB WASN'T WEARING UNDERWEAR.

THANKS FOR, UH, HOLDING MY HAIR WHEN I WAS...

OH.

JUST...

THANKS FOR MISSING MY SHOES.

WELL, I, UH... I GUESS I BLEW OUR BIG NIGHT.

NO, NO.

LOOK, IT'S COOL.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BLOW IT,

AND THEN... I MEAN, YOU TOTALLY BLEW IT,

SO, I MEAN, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, BY TELLING ME I BLEW IT,

YOU BASICALLY JUST BLEW IT, SO...

AND I WAS DOING SO GOOD HERE, WITH THE...

JACKET AND THE COFFEE, HOLDING YOUR HAIR BACK.

I WAS SO IN.

YOU'RE STILL IN.

LOOK, DONNA, I WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND,

AND YOU'RE ALL I EVER THINK ABOUT.

WILL YOU WEAR MY CLASS RING?

YES.

YES?

YOU KNOW...

WHY DON'T WE KISS ON THAT LATER?

OH, RIGHT. VOMITING.

YEAH. YEAH.

NO, WAIT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T CARE.

YOU'RE MY GIRLFRIEND.

SO, FORMAN, MAN...

I'M SORRY ABOUT TONIGHT WITH DONNA.

AND FOR TAKING YOUR DINNER.

SO, ARE WE COOL, MAN?

YEAH, MAN.

WE'VE GOT TO BE.

LOOK, WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE KINDERGARTEN.

NO GIRL'S GOING TO COME BETWEEN US.

THAT'S GREAT, MAN.

SO, UM...

IF DONNA EVER BREAKS UP WITH YOU

AND STARTS DATING ME, ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

NO.

TONIGHT... [SNIFFLES]

I LEARNED THERE'S A PRICE TO BE PAID FOR DOING IT.

SHE SAID, "FOREVER," MAN,

AND I THINK SHE MEANT IT.

THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH FEELS LIKE COTTON,

AS IF COTTON WAS IN MY MOUTH.

ALSO, MAN, WOMEN ARE LIKE MUFFINS, OKAY?

AND ONCE YOU'VE HAD A MUFFIN, MAN,

YOU'LL PUT UP WITH ANYTHING TO HAVE ANOTHER MUFFIN.

AND THEY KNOW THAT.

NOW SHE REALLY OWNS YOU, MAN.

HYDE.

YOU SURE KNOW A LOT ABOUT WOMEN,

BUT, I MEAN...

YOU NEVER REALLY HAD A STEADY GIRLFRIEND, SO...

WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THAT'S ALL ABOUT, FORMAN.

MY MIND IS PURE, MAN!

I DON'T FALL VICTIM TO THE FEMALE RACE!

I'M HERE,

SANS GIRLFRIEND,

TO HELP YOU GUYS OUT.

THEN I HAVE A QUESTION, HYDE.

HOW MUCH MASTURBATION IS TOO MUCH?

NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH, FEZ.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

HOW DID IT GO?

IT WAS GREAT.

GOTCHA. MOM...

ANYBODY MENTION HOW NICE THAT SPORT COAT WAS?

DONNA.

HEY, THERE YOU GO.

SO YOU HAD FUN, HUH?

YEAH, DAD. THANKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A CHUNK OF CARROT ON YOUR SHOE THERE.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

YEAH, DAD. THANKS.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE