Original subtitles

YOU AND JACKIE DID NOT DO IT.

NO, WE SO DID IT.

YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING THAT YOU DID IT.

KELSO, SHE WEARS THE PANTS,

AND THEY HAVE NEVER COME OFF.

LOOK AT MY FACE.

THIS IS A FACE THAT DID IT.

HOLY SMOKES. I THINK HE DID IT.

[TOGETHER] KELSO DID IT!

YEAH. CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.

PLUS, YOU DID IT IN RECORD TIME.

YEAH, YOU THINK?

NO, YOU MORON.

YOU'VE BEEN KISSING HER ASS FOR OVER A YEAR.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S OVER, MAN.

IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN TO YOU KIDS

THAT HAVE NEVER HAD SEX BEFORE,

BUT WHEN YOU'RE WITH A WOMAN,

SOMETHING CHEMICAL HAPPENS TO HER.

NOW JACKIE'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

SHE'S LIKE MY LOVE SLAVE.

OH YEAH. I'M THAT GOOD.

HEY, GUYS.

HI, SWEETIE. HOW ARE YOU?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M A LITTLE BIT CHILLY,

BUT I LEFT MY COAT UP IN THE CAR.

I'LL GO GET IT FOR YOU. MISS ME.

HANDY LITTLE THING, ISN'T SHE?

OKAY, THAT WAS SO COOL.

COOL?

AND BY COOL, I MEAN WRONG AND STUPID.

SHUT UP, SHUT UP. WRESTLING'S BACK ON.

OH, I LOVE WRESTLING.

COME ON. YOU'RE NOT EVEN FIGHTING BACK.

WHY WOULD HE FIGHT BACK?

(MALE TV ANNOUNCER) DON'T FORGET, FANS,

THIS SATURDAY NIGHT, PRO WRESTLING

IS COMING TO THE NATIONAL GUARD ARMORY

IN KENOSHA, WISCONSIN.

WATCH ROCKY JOHNSON TAKE ON 20 SNARLING MIDGETS.

NOW BACK TO THE ACTION.

ROCKY JOHNSON'S COMING TO KENOSHA?

OH, MAN. WE GOT TO GO.

I'M IN. I LOVE MIDGETS, MAN.

(RED) ERIC, I NEED TO SEE YOU UP HERE.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT UP.

YOU'RE NOT GOING UP?

I'LL GO UP WHEN I'M READY.

[TOGETHER] OHH.

SO I JUST SAID TO MYSELF,

I DON'T CARE IF ALL I HAVE IS DIRTY LAUNDRY AND

NO MONEY, I'M GOING HOME TO SEE MY PARENTS,

BECAUSE I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH.

AW.

OH MY.

OH, WELL,

WILL YOU LOOK AT THESE?

YEAH, MOM.

ALL THE GIRLS ARE WEARING THEM.

ERIC, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YEAH, ERIC, I CALLED YOU 5 MINUTES AGO.

I WAS WATCHING WRESTLING.

DID YOU TAKE THOSE BOOKS BACK TO THE LIBRARY

LIKE I ASKED YOU?

UH, YEAH. I TOOK THEM BACK.

WELL, THEN, WHY DID I SEE THEM

IN THE BACK SEAT OF YOUR CAR?

WELL, I TOOK THEM BACK...

TO THE CAR.

WHICH MEANS THAT THEY'RE PRACTICALLY AT THE LIBRARY.

YOU KNOW, DAD, I FEEL SORRY

FOR ALL THE GOOD KIDS WHO WANTED TO READ THOSE BOOKS.

THAT'S WHO I FEEL SORRY FOR.

OKAY, IT'S FIVE BOOKS,

A NICKEL A BOOK,

UH, BIG DEAL. I'M OUT A QUARTER.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, SON.

IT'S ABOUT THE RULES,

AND WITHOUT RULES, WE MIGHT AS WELL

ALL BE UP IN A TREE FLINGING OUR CRAP

AT EACH OTHER.

UH, OKAY.

LIBRARY CLOSES IN HALF AN HOUR,

SO GET YOUR ASS OVER THERE.

DAD, YOU KNOW, ALL MY FRIENDS...

HEY, HEY, HEY, PAL. I'M NOT THE BAD GUY HERE.

NOW YOU SCREWED YOURSELF WHEN YOU DIDN'T RETURN

THOSE BOOKS, NOW GO.

OKAY.

NO.

DID YOU SAY "NO"?

ARE YOU TELLING ME NO?

IS THAT WHAT I'M HEARING?

YEAH.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS FROM "THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY"]

OH, DEAR.

♪ HANGIN' OUT ♪

♪ DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD THING ♪

♪ WE DID LAST WEEK ♪

♪ NOT A THING TO DO ♪

♪ BUT TALK TO YOU ♪

♪ WHOA, YEAH ♪

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTERESTING?

NO.

WHEN YOU TALK TO LAURIE,

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A CONVERSATION,

BUT WITH ERIC, YOU JUST GIVE ORDERS.

KITTY, HE SAID NO TO ME.

WELL, HE'S GETTING OLDER, RED.

I THINK IT'S TIME YOU TWO DEVELOPED A FRIENDSHIP,

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T, HE'LL MOVE AWAY

AND WE'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

RED.

I CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH ERIC.

HE'S TOO...

TWITCHY.

WELL, RED, UNTIL I SEE YOU

MAKE SOME KIND OF EFFORT,

I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP BRINGING IT UP.

THREATS AREN'T GOING TO WORK, KITTY.

IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERY NEWSPAPER YOU'RE READING,

EVERY NAP YOU'RE TAKING, EVERY FOOTBALL GAME

YOU'RE WATCHING, I'LL BE THERE

TALKING, TALKING, TALKING, TALKING.

BOB, I'M THINKING OF STARTING THERAPY.

OKAY, I'M GONNA BE...

BYE.

THERAPY?

THAT'S FOR CRAZIES.

YOU KNOW, THE UNEXAMINED SELF IS AN UNFULFILLED SELF.

HOW CAN YOU BE UNFULFILLED?

I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD,

I PAY THE BILLS, I TAKE CARE OF YOU.

YEAH, BUT WHAT DO I DO?

YOU FILL OUT THAT SWEATER REAL NICE.

UGH!

WHAT? THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.

SIT DOWN, LAURIE. HAVE SOME RIBS.

MOM, YOU KNOW I'M ON MY WATER AND YOGURT DIET.

OKAY.

WELL, ISN'T THIS NICE?

MY WHOLE FAMILY TOGETHER...

MOSTLY.

HAVING FAMILY FUN, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT DINNER'S FOR,

RIGHT, RED?

OKAY.

[CLEARS THROAT] SO, ERIC...

WHAT HAPPENED IN SCHOOL TODAY?

WHY? WHAT'D YOU HEAR?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I CAN'T ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION?

RED, RED, YOU NEED SOME POTATOES.

UM,

[CLEARS THROAT]

GOOD JOB ON RETURNING THOSE BOOKS.

WELL, YEAH, I RETURNED THE BOOKS.

EVEN THOUGH IT WAS KIND OF STUPID.

WHAT?

HE SAID IT WAS STUPID, DADDY.

OKAY, OKAY. HA, HA, HA, HA.

ERIC, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS WEEKEND?

OH, ME AND THE GANG ARE GOING TO CATCH

THAT WRESTLING MATCH IN KENOSHA.

OH, WELL, NOW, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

BECAUSE A CERTAIN MR. RED FORMAN

USED TO WRESTLE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

NO, NO, NO. WHAT I DID THEN WAS REAL.

THAT STUFF ON TV, THAT'S, UH,

THAT'S ALL AN ACT.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I BET IF THE TWO OF YOU WENT TOGETHER,

YOU'D REALLY ENJOY YOURSELVES.

RIGHT, GUYS?

[PROTESTING]

[HITS TABLE] CLANK!

SO YOU'RE GOING.

[LAUGHS]

AND I THINK EVERYONE HAS ROOM TO GROW,

BUT BOB IS PERFECTLY SATISFIED

AND SAYS JUST BEING HIS WIFE SHOULD MAKE ME HAPPY.

MIDGE, LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

I KNOW WE'VE HAD ONLY ONE SESSION,

BUT FROM WHAT I'M HEARING,

EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS COMPLETELY RIGHT,

AND EVERYTHING BOB SAYS IS COMPLETELY WRONG.

I THINK I'M GOING TO LIKE THERAPY.

I THINK THERAPY'S GOING TO LIKE YOU.

JACKIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU HATE WRESTLING.

MICHAEL LIKES IT,

AND ANYTHING THAT MICHAEL LIKES, I LIKE, BECAUSE I LIKE MICHAEL.

YEAH. THAT'S MY GIRL.

OH, BARF.

WATCH YOUR LEGS.

HEY, TAKING THE GANG TO THE WRESTLING MATCHES, HUH?

AH.

I GUESS I'LL JUST SIT HOME ALONE TONIGHT

SINCE MIDGE IS GOING TO SOME THERAPY THING.

I'LL BE ALONE.

GET IN THE CAR, BOB.

ERIC, GIVE ME THE KEYS.

WHY CAN'T I DRIVE?

BECAUSE I WANT TO GET THERE IN ONE PIECE.

HEY, CAN WE GET A MOVE ON, HUH?

IF I MISS THAT 20-MIDGET FREE-FOR-ALL,

I'M GOING TO BE SUPER PISSED.

FINE. YOU DRIVE.

RED.

[CLEARS THROAT]

YOU KNOW, ON SECOND THOUGHT, UH,

YOU SHOULD DRIVE.

AFTER ALL, TONIGHT I'M JUST ONE OF THE GANG.

THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK, YOU KNOW.

WE'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

WELL, FINE, KILL EACH OTHER.

JUST DO IT TOGETHER.

♪♪♪

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL, ERIC.

TEN AND TWO. TEN AND TWO.

DAD, IF YOU WANT TO DRIVE...

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M JUST ONE OF THE GANG.

YIELD, DAMN IT. THAT SIGN SAYS YIELD.

♪♪♪

AH. THAT'S BETTER.

♪♪♪

♪ BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, OH! ♪

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

WHEN WE GET HOME TONIGHT, YOU BETTER TELL YOUR MOTHER

WE HAD A DAMN GOOD TIME.

WELL, SO FAR, SO GOOD.

YEAH, YEAH.

AND NOW I GOT TO GO AND SPEND $2

FOR A 10-CENT BEER.

GEE, I'M SO GLAD OUR DADS CAME.

AT LEAST YOURS IS LEAVING YOU ALONE.

YEAH.

POOR FEZ, HUH?

THERE I WAS, SITTING IN THE KITCHEN,

SITTING IN THE KITCHEN, WHEN BOOM!

SHE TELLS ME SHE NEEDS THERAPY.

YEAH, MIDGE AND I HAD A BEAUTIFUL THING, FEZZY,

THEN IT ALL WENT WRONG.

YEAH, BOB, WOMEN ARE HELL.

WHY DON'T YOU GRAB US ALL A BEER,

AND WE'LL TALK IT OVER?

I COULD GET YOU SODAS,

'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE UNDER AGE.

BOB, THIS ISN'T ABOUT US, IT'S ABOUT YOU.

AND YOU NEED FRIENDS.

AND BEER.

HEY, HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?

WHY DON'T WE GRAB A BEER, AND WE'LL TALK IT OVER?

AH.

NO.

WELL, THEN, BOB, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

SEE HOW YOU DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY?

I'M TELLING YOU,

AFTER MY THERAPY SESSION, I FELT SO LOOSE.

LOOSE IS GOOD.

IF YOU ASK ME, WE COULD ALL DO WITH A LITTLE TIGHTENING.

AND... AND TONIGHT, MY THERAPIST IS HOSTING

AN ENCOUNTER GROUP,

BUT I'M TOO SHY TO GO ALONE.

OH WELL. TOO BAD.

OH, KITTY, PLEASE COME WITH ME.

I DON'T THINK SO. NO, THANK YOU, NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS A LOT LIKE?

LIKE WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO HELP YOU HOST THE BAKE SALE.

ONLY IT'S DIFFERENT, BECAUSE I SAID YES.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, GREAT.

IT'S A GATHERING OF SOULS-IN-PROGRESS

OVER DRINKS.

FREE DRINKS? I'M IN.

OH, THAT'S NICE.

THAT'S MUSIC TO A MOTHER'S EARS.

OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

OKAY, YOU SEE THE GUY GETTING IN THE RING?

THAT'S ROCKY JOHNSON.

MAN, HE'S THE BEST.

[AUDIENCE] OOH!

THE BEST?

THEY'RE NOT EVEN FIGHTERS. I MEAN, THESE ARE ALL TRICKS.

I COULD GET UP THERE RIGHT NOW AND...

[THUD]

HOT DAMN.

HE DROPPED THAT GUY RIGHT ON HIS HEAD.

YEAH!

♪♪♪

THIS IS WHERE I GOT HIM.

HE AIN'T GOIN' ANYWHERE.

AAH.

OHH. OHH.

♪♪♪

ONE, TWO, THREE. THE WINNER.

GET OFF ME.

I'M THE WINNER HERE.

MAN.

IT'S HOT IN HERE, HUH?

[GASPS] YOU POOR THING.

IS THAT BETTER, SWEETIE?

OH, YEAH.

JACKIE, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

YEAH, YEAH, SURE. MICHAEL, IS IT OKAY... OW!

JACKIE, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND KELSO?

LOOK, MICHAEL KELSO AND I HAVE MADE BEAUTIFUL LOVE.

EWW!

I MEAN...

NO, EWW.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A DOORMAT?

LOOK, I HAVE TO BE NICE.

WHAT IF HE GETS BORED NOW?

BORED?

JACKIE, HE'S GOING TO WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS I'M TOTALLY IN CHARGE.

WELL, I MEAN, A PARTNERSHIP...

NO, NO, NO. I OWN HIM.

I'M THE MAN.

WELL, JACKIE...

NO, NO. THANK YOU, DONNA.

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

I WOULD LIKE A REFRESHING COLA, PLEASE.

[FEZ IN DEEP VOICE] AND GET ME A BEER, SON.

OKAY, DAD. SURE.

AND A BEER FOR MY DAD.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET ME THAT BEER, ARE YOU?

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, SON?

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T JUST SIT THERE.

GET UP, YOU BIG BAD MOOSE.

LOOK, HE'S LAUGHING AT YOU.

I GIVE AND I GIVE AND I GIVE.

OH, BOO-HOO.

GET BACK IN THE RING.

HEY, THIS IS FUN.

HEY, ROCKY JOHNSON.

HEY, MR. JOHNSON, SIR, MAY I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

AARRRGH!

ERIC, GO IN THERE AND GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH.

NO WAY, DAD. THE SIGN SAYS WRESTLERS ONLY.

SO?

SO, THAT'S A RULE.

AS I REMEMBER, A GREAT MAN ONCE SAID TO ME,

IF WE WERE TO BREAK THE RULES,

THE WORLD WOULD JUST BE FILLED

WITH TREE-CLIMBING CRAP-FLINGERS.

YEAH.

NOW FOLLOW ME.

YOU WANT YOUR AUTOGRAPH OR NOT?

THERE HE IS.

MR. JOHNSON, YOU GAVE THAT TEAM OF MIDGETS

AN ASS-WHOOPING, SIR.

YOU PILE DRIVE A LITTLE GUY,

AND THE WHOLE CROWD TURNS ON YOU,

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE STANDING THERE

WONDERING WHAT THEY'RE BOOING ABOUT,

YOU GET BIT ON THE KNEECAPS.

LOOK AT MY KNEES. MIDGET BITES.

I WONDER IF YOU'D MIND, UH, GIVING MY SON AN AUTOGRAPH.

NO.

NO AUTOGRAPHS.

LOOK, PAL, I MIGHT BE THE ONLY GUY IN HERE

WHO'S ACTUALLY KILLED A MAN.

GIVE THE KID AN AUTOGRAPH,

AND THEN NO MORE AUTOGRAPHS.

THAT'S REALLY NICE,

BRINGING YOUR KID TO A WRESTLING MATCH.

YOU KNOW, I GOT A SON,

AND ONE DAY HE'S GOING TO BECOME

THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT.

YEAH, WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

UH, CAN YOU MAKE THAT OUT TO RED FORMAN?

NO, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

UM, IT'S ERIC FORMAN.

CAPITAL E-R-l-C...

YEAH, BUT SEE, HIS NICKNAME IS RED.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S ERIC.

STOP KIDDING AROUND, RED.

YOU KNOW, BABE, A SODA WOULD TASTE PRETTY GOOD

RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

A SODA DOES SOUND PRETTY GOOD.

I'LL HAVE A DIET.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE A ROOT BEER.

OH, DON'T YOU WANT TO GO GET IT FOR ME?

SWEETIE?

OKAY, LET ME CLEAR IT UP FOR YOU, HMM?

GET... ME... A SODA. NOW!

DID YOU SEE THAT? I'M THE MAN.

IT ALL STARTED ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO

WHEN MIDGY GOT A SUBSCRIPTION TO COSMO.

THESE GROUP SESSIONS ARE ABOUT TESTING

YOUR BOUNDARIES, LOSING YOUR INHIBITIONS,

REALLY SHARING WITH THE GROUP.

KITTY, ARE YOU READY?

OH, UM, WELL...

SHARE A LITTLE, MOM.

TELL US HOW FOLDING THE DISH TOWELS JUST RIGHT MAKES

ALL OUR PROBLEMS GO AWAY.

YOU WANT ME TO SHARE?

OKAY.

LAURIE, YOU'RE MEAN TO YOUR BROTHER,

AND YOU'RE SCREWING AROUND AT COLLEGE.

WE DON'T EVEN SEE YOU UNLESS YOU'VE RUN OUT

OF CLEAN CLOTHES OR NEED CASH.

THE FACT IS, YOU'RE AN UNGRATEFUL, SPOILED BRAT.

WELL, THANK YOU. THAT WAS NICE.

I LOVE YOU, HONEY.

WELL, I HOPE WE'RE ALL AS EXCITED ABOUT THIS JOURNEY

AS I AM.

LET'S PAIR OFF.

OKAY, OKAY.

I DON'T GET IT, KITTY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON. HE'S A BAD DOCTOR.

A VERY, VERY BAD DOCTOR.

HEY, DAD, THANKS FOR LETTING ME DRIVE HOME.

THANKS FOR NOT KILLING ME.

YOU KNOW, I JUST HAD A LOT OF FUN TONIGHT

WITH YOU, DAD.

YEAH, ME TOO.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

OH, YOU WANT SOME, HUH?

YEAH, I WANT TO HAVE A PIECE.

HUH? HUH?

WHOA.

AHH.

YES!

WHO'S THE KING? WHO'S THE KING?

OW. AH.

MY NECK. OH.

GOSH, DAD, I'M SORRY.

I'M SO SORRY.

LOOK, I HAD NO IDE...

AHH.

NOW WHO'S THE KING, HUH?

YOU ARE.

MM-HMM.

AND IT TURNED OUT THIS THERAPIST WAS JUST OBSESSED

WITH SEX.

AND THIS IS A REALLY DIFFICULT TIME FOR ME.

THE LAST THING I NEED IS A DOCTOR

WHO DOESN'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.

I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE I CAN TALK TO,

SOMEONE WHO'LL REALLY LISTEN.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

SO... DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A PARTY?

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

OKAY.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE