Original subtitles

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, THIS IS NO SWEAT.

IF WE LEAVE RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL,

WE SHOULD MAKE IT TO JACKIE'S SKI CABIN BY, LIKE, 6:00.

MAN, I CAN'T WAIT. A TRIP TO MY FAVORITE PLACE.

ANYWHERE BUT HERE.

AND I'M BETTING THAT ALPINE VALLEY

IS GONNA GIVE THE KID MANY MAKE-OUT OPPORTUNITIES

WITH DONNA THIS WEEKEND.

THE KID... IS IN.

WHAT'S WITH THE WHOLE "KID" THING?

IT'S COOL.

IT'S NOT COOL?

NOT COOL. DORKY.

HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH.

GUESS WHO MADE OUT WITH PAM MACY BEHIND THE GYM.

EVERYONE.

NO!

ME!

KELSO, A LOT OF PEOPLE HANG OUT BEHIND THE GYM.

YEAH!

THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT IT.

EVERYBODY SAW IT.

OH, THAT'S GREAT, MAN.

YEAH, BECAUSE THEN EVERYBODY CAN TELL JACKIE,

YOU MORON.

YEAH, AND THEN SHE'S GOING TO DUMP YOU,

AND WE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO UP TO HER SKI CABIN.

SHE'S NEVER GONNA FIND OUT.

YOU ARE A DOG, MICHAEL!

A DIRTY, DIRTY DOG!

WHAT'D I DO?

YOU KISSED PAM MACY.

OH!

I TRUSTED YOU, MICHAEL!

AND NOW ALL MY FRIENDS ARE LAUGHING AT ME.

I CAN'T EVEN SHOW MY FACE

IN THE THIRD-FLOOR BATHROOM ANYMORE,

AND THAT'S THE COOL BATHROOM.

BUT... I...

NO, MICHAEL. WE'RE THROUGH.

OKAY, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT, WE'RE THROUGH.

AND MONDAY, WHEN WE GET BACK FROM THAT SKI TRIP, IT'S OVER.

NO, MICHAEL. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU WON'T BE SKIING THIS WEEKEND.

OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT, JACKIE.

CANCEL THE SKI TRIP AND DISAPPOINT

ALL OUR FRIENDS!

OH, NO, NO, NO.

WE... ARE STILL GOING.

WELL, THEY'RE SURELY NOT GOING WITHOUT ME.

RIGHT, GUYS?

OH, AND DID I MENTION MY PARENTS ARE NOT COMING,

SO IT'LL BE JUST US?

SO WE'LL SEE YOU MONDAY.

♪ HANGIN' OUT ♪

♪ DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD THING ♪

♪ WE DID LAST WEEK ♪

♪ NOT A THING TO DO ♪

♪ BUT TALK TO YOU ♪

♪ WHOA, YEAH ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND FOX BROADCASTING

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

♪♪♪

SO, ERIC'S GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.

MM-HMM.

WHOLE HOUSE TO OURSELVES.

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

DINNER IN FRONT OF THE TV.

NO...

YOU DOG.

NOW, ERIC,

YOU'RE GOING TO BE DRIVING IN SNOW,

SO I'LL PUT TOGETHER AN EMERGENCY ROADSIDE KIT

FOR YOU, IN CASE YOU RUN INTO TROUBLE.

OKAY, THAT'D BE GREAT.

PREPARATION MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE, ERIC.

TAKE KITTY LITTER.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES...

♪♪♪

OH GOD, ERIC...

OH.

IT'S A ROAD FLARE.

A ROAD FLARE CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE.

I SAID A ROAD FLARE CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE.

WHAT? OH.

CHECK. RIGHT.

ROAD... FLARE. RIGHT.

OKAY, NOW, GOOD. HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?

OH, OKAY.

YOU KNOW MY P.E. TEACHER, COACH WILSON?

WELL, HE HAD THIS CRUSTY STUFF

ON THE CORNER OF HIS LIP,

SO KELSO SAYS TO HIM, KELSO SAYS...

♪♪♪

DAD? DAD, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?

OF COURSE, I'M LISTENING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M HEARING?

YOU NEED TO BUCKLE DOWN.

I'VE TOLD YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN

THAT SCHOOL IS SO IMPORTANT...

WHAT YOU DO NOW DETERMINES...

OH, RED. THAT IS SO GOOD!

OOH, OOH, OOH. RIGHT THERE.

OOH, THAT HASN'T BEEN TOUCHED IN YEARS.

HEY, DONNA.

MAN, I BROUGHT MY DOUBLE SLEEPING BAG.

YOU KNOW?

GREAT, CAN ERIC AND I BORROW IT?

OH, HYDE.

WATCHING YOU FAIL OVER AND OVER...

IT IS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN AND THE FOOTBALL.

YEAH, MAN, I JUST... I JUST DON'T GET IT.

NO, BECAUSE ERIC ALREADY HAS IT.

HA, HA, HA, HA!

OH. HEY, KELSO.

UM...

LOOK, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE WE'RE COOL,

'CAUSE THIS WEEKEND IS, LIKE, REALLY IMPORTANT

FOR ME AND DONNA, SO, UH...

THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.

HEY, I UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND THAT WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE.

OKAY, LOOK, MAN, YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF.

I KNOW I DID.

BUT THAT'S NO REASON FOR ME TO SUFFER.

THAT IS A GREAT REASON FOR YOU TO SUFFER.

WHAT...

I'M GOING.

BYE. GO.

SEE IF I CARE!

OH, COME ON, MAN!

WELL, HERE'S YOUR EMERGENCY ROADSIDE KIT.

KITTY LITTER?

OH.

KITTY LITTER.

UM, HONEY, I PUT SOME SANDWICHES

IN YOUR DUFFEL BAG.

NOW, UM, WHY DO YOU NEED

SUCH A BIG BAG OF OREGANO?

DONNA'S... ITALIAN?

HA, HA, HA, HA!

OKAY, STAY WARM.

HEH.

OKAY, HEH-HEH.

I SEE WHAT'S GOIN' ON.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY GOING SKIING.

THIS IS ALL JUST A GAG.

YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO GET ME ALL WORKED UP

SO YOU CAN GO, "OH, JUST KIDDING, BUDDY."

YEAH, YOU GOT ME.

THAT'S A NICE BURN.

IT SURE IS.

BYE-BYE.

OHH... HEH-HEH.

HE'S NOT GOING.

HE'LL BE BACK.

HEH-HEH-HEH.

YEP.

ANY SECOND NOW.

HE'S PROBABLY JUST GOING AROUND THE BLOCK.

I GOTTA HAND IT TO HIM, HE GOT ME THERE.

THAT'S A MAJOR BURN!

YEP.

THERE HE IS! I KNEW IT!

OH, NO. THAT'S NOT HIM.

♪♪♪

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SNOW BEFORE.

IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART

OF THIS WHOLE TRIP IS?

THAT MICHAEL IS NOT HERE.

HE'D JUST BE SITTING HERE TELLING ME HOW CUTE I LOOK

IN MY FUR-TRIMMED COAT.

I KNOW I LOOK CUTE.

I DON'T NEED HIM HERE FOR THAT.

FORMAN, MAN,

WHAT'S ALL THIS CRAP THAT RED GAVE YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S OBSESSED WITH KITTY LITTER.

I THINK HE MIGHT BE GOING INSANE.

[TIRES SKIDDING]

[SCREAMING] AAH!

FAR OUT.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS WE HIT SOME ICE.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

OH, GREAT. WE'RE STUCK.

LOOK!

I MADE MY FIRST SNOWBALL!

I LOVE SNOW SO MUCH.

MY FINGERS ARE NUMB WITH JOY.

THAT'S FROSTBITE, FEZ.

HOW RUDE!

I HATE YOUR WHITE MAN'S WINTER.

GET IN THE CAR, FEZ. GET IN THE CAR.

ERIC, DO SOMETHING!

YEAH, MAN, STOP GOOFIN' AROUND.

OH! IT'S FREEZING!

♪♪♪

THIS IS AWFUL!

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

BUT I LOVE MICHAEL!

[ALL] SHUT UP!

OKAY, THINK ERIC, THINK.

WHY KITTY LITTER?

USE THE GUM, ERIC.

DAD?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M NOT HERE. YOU'RE IMAGINING ME.

NOW WHO'S INSANE, MR. SMART MOUTH?

I GUESS I AM.

USE THE GUM TO STICK THE CANDLE IN THE CAN.

THE CANDLE HEATS THE CAN, WHICH MELTS THE SNOW

BEHIND THE TIRE.

THEN POUR ON THE KITTY LITTER

FOR TRACTION.

NOW, YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?

YES SIR.

GOOD, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ME BACK OUT HERE.

I MAY BE A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION,

BUT I'M STILL FREEZING MY ASS OFF.

♪ LOVE HURTS ♪

♪ OOH-OOH LOVE HURTS ♪

MICHAEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK ERIC ACTUALLY WENT.

WHAT A JERK.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO JACKIE'S CABIN

AND TALK TO HIM?

I CAN'T. I DON'T HAVE A CAR.

AND BESIDES, JACKIE HATES ME FOREVER

'CAUSE I KISSED PAM MACY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MR. FORMAN AND I WERE DATING,

I SAW HIM KISSING A GIRL IN A MOVIE THEATER ONCE,

AND I FORGAVE HIM.

YOU FORGAVE HIM FOR KISSING ANOTHER GIRL?

YES SIR.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T SO MUCH KISSING

AS IT WAS A...

A GROPING, SLOPPY, PAWING, NIBBLING NIGHTMARE.

BUT... BUT YOU FORGAVE HIM?

YEAH, I FORGAVE THE BASTARD.

COOL!

♪♪♪

OKAY, CANDLES? CHECK.

CHIANTI? CHECK.

FANCY NUT MIX? CHECK.

AND HOW'S MY PRETTY LADY?

OH, YOU ARE SO FULL OF CRAP.

♪♪♪

[COUGHS] WHOA.

BRRR.

WELL, HELLO THERE.

HEY.

THANKS FOR STOPPIN'.

ARE YOU GOIN' ALL THE WAY TO ALPINE VALLEY?

OH... HEH-HEH...

I'M GOIN' WHEREVER YOU'RE GOIN'.

WOW. THAT'S LUCKY.

SO TELL ME, DID IT HURT?

WHAT?

WHEN YOU FELL DOWN FROM HEAVEN.

NO. I'M FINE.

ALL RIGHT, WE MADE IT.

YEAH, JUST IN TIME. THAT STORM WAS GETTING NASTY.

I AM SO COLD.

THE SNOW HAS STOLEN MY MANHOOD.

OKAY, THERE'S ONLY ONE BEDROOM.

IT WAS GONNA BE FOR MICHAEL AND I,

BUT SINCE OUR LOVE IS... DEAD, YOU TWO SHOULD TAKE IT.

ALL RIGHT.

WANNA GO CHECK OUT OUR ROOM?

DEFINITELY.

WHERE YOU GUYS GOIN'?

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HANG...

OHH, I AM FREEZING.

THE WINTER IN MY COUNTRY IS 70 DEGREES.

WE MUST HOLD EACH OTHER FOR WARMTH.

STOP TOUCHING ME.

I'M GOING TO DIE.

OKAY, FEZ. OOH...

AMARETTO. HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN? THIS'LL WARM YA RIGHT UP.

TAKE A SIP OF THAT.

YUM, LIQUID CANDY.

KITTY, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING

THAT HAPPENED OVER 20 YEARS AGO.

AND THERE YOU WERE AT THE MOVIES,

IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYBODY,

SLURPING ON HORSEFACE LYNN TAYLOR

LIKE SHE WAS A POPSICLE.

KITTY...

A BIG, EASY, HORSEFACE POPSICLE.

HORSEFACE?

SHE WAS A RUNNER-UP IN THE MISS WISCONSIN PAGEANT.

WHICH SHE LOST BECAUSE...

SHE WAS SUCH A HORSEFACE.

THANKS FOR THE BURGER.

OH, AND THE HAT.

I JUST LIKE TO SEE THAT SMILE.

SEEMED KINDA DOWN ABOUT YOUR FRIEND... ERIC.

OH, YEAH.

IT'S JUST...

YOU KNOW, HE'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME.

LIKE, WHEN PEOPLE USED TO CALL ME DUMB...

HE'D SAY, "HEY, HE'S NOT AS DUMB AS YOU THINK."

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT, BUT, UH...

GUY-TO-GUY RELATIONSHIPS ARE PRETTY SPECIAL, YOU KNOW?

THEY CAN BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING

IN THE WORLD.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THIS STUFF.

IT'S JUST, LIKE, I GET THESE URGES, YOU KNOW?

AND I CAN'T CONTROL 'EM.

SHOOT, I WROTE THAT COUNTRY SONG.

♪ I'VE BEEN CHEATED ♪

♪ BEEN MISTREATED ♪

♪ WHEN WILL I BE LOVED? ♪

[JACKIE CRYING]

OKAY, THAT'S PROBABLY JUST JACKIE CRYING.

YEAH.

♪♪♪

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S TOO MUCH.

CAN YOU PLEASE GO OUT THERE AND BREAK THAT RECORD?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

"SPY VS. SPY", MAN... THEY KILL ME.

NO, WITH HER?

SHE SEEMS UPSET OR SOMETHING.

OKAY, LOOK. WHERE'S FEZ?

FEZ? OH...

WELL, HE KILLED THAT ENTIRE BOTTLE OF AMARETTO,

AND THEN HE RAN OUTSIDE, SAYING HE HAD TO MAKE

A SNOW ANGEL.

BUT HE WAS IN HIS UNDERWEAR.

OKAY, LOOK, YOU EITHER NEED TO GO GET FEZ

OR CONSOLE JACKIE.

ALL RIGHT, I TAKE DONNA.

JACKIE. YEAH, JACKIE.

[JACKIE CRYING]

OKAY...

[BAWLING]

OH... OH...

'KAY, YEAH, OKAY. NO, I CAN SEE YOU'RE UPSET.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

NOW LISTEN, ALL RIGHT?

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

PAM MACY WOULD GIVE IT UP TO ANYBODY.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? WE'RE ALL ALONE.

GOD, HYDE, YOU CAN BE SUCH A JERK,

YOU KNOW THAT?

OH, COME ON. I'M JUST GOOFIN' AROUND.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

LOOK, I'M UP HERE WITH ERIC, ALL RIGHT?

ERIC, GET IT? NOT YOU.

I KNOW, OKAY, I KNOW.

LOOK, DO YOU THINK I LIKE HITTING ON

MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND?

I DON'T.

BUT I LOOK AT YOU. I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

WELL, YOU BETTER.

[SLAPS HIM] WHACK!

IT'S SO CLEAR TO ME NOW.

I CAN'T JUST GO AROUND USING PEOPLE LIKE

MY SEXUAL PLAYTHINGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, GUS?

'CAUSE PEOPLE'S FEELINGS ARE WAY MORE IMPORTANT

THAN THOSE SEXUAL URGES.

[SIGHS] YOU'RE GOOD PEOPLE, SON.

YOU TOO, MAN.

WELL, THIS IS WHERE YOU GET OFF.

AND ONE MORE THING: NEXT TIME, TAKE A BUS.

YOU'RE TOO PRETTY TO HITCH.

AW, THANKS, MAN.

BYE, GUS!

HEY, FEZ! FEZ!

HEY, MAN.

KELSO, YOU'RE HERE.

YEAH, I GOT A RIDE WITH THE NICEST GUY.

LISTEN, I HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK

ON THE WAY UP HERE, AND...

WELL, I'M SORRY.

YEAH, YEAH, I'M SORRY.

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME UP HERE WITHOUT YOU, MAN.

AW...

I AM A WINTER NYMPH.

I LOVE THE SNOW.

HOORAY, AMERICA!

[SOBBING]

MICHAEL! OH, MICHAEL!

OH, MICHAEL.

YOU DROVE ALL THE WAY HERE IN THE DRIVING SNOW STORM

JUST TO BE HERE WITH ME, DIDN'T YOU, MICHAEL?

AND YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER DO THAT

FOR PAM MACY, WOULD YOU?

NO?

LOVER.

OH, YOU KNOW IT.

CAN ONE OF YOU GUYS PUT HIS PANTS ON?

KITTY, THIS CAN'T JUST BE ABOUT ME AND LYNN TAYLOR.

WHAT'S REALLY BOTHERING YOU?

OKAY...

I JUST WANNA KNOW, WHY NOT ME?

WHY NOT YOU WHAT? I MARRIED YOU.

YEAH, BUT WHEN WE WERE DATING,

YOU JUST SAT THERE. YOU HELD MY HAND POLITELY.

DIDN'T YOU THINK THAT I MIGHT ENJOY

A PASSIONATE MANHANDLING IN A PUBLIC PLACE?

WELL, I RESPECTED YOU.

I'M AN OLD-FASHIONED GUY.

I DON'T THINK THAT YOU SHOULD GROPE AND MAUL

THE ONE YOU LOVE.

'TIL YOU GET TO FLORIDA.

THE FOUNTAINEBLEU.

WITH THE DOOR LOCKED AND A CARTON OF CIGARETTES.

OH, RED, OUR HONEYMOON.

LET'S GO UPSTAIRS.

NO.

LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES.

WELL, UH, HERE WE ARE.

YEP.

SO I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT...

KELSO CHEATED ON JACKIE WITH PAM MACY.

I MEAN, THAT IS JUST A...

SERIOUSLY UNCOOL MOVE.

YEAH.

I MEAN, TO RISK EVERYTHING FOR...

ERIC, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU.

YOU CAN TRUST ME.

REALLY?

ABSOLUTELY.

I WOULD NEVER KISS PAM MACY BEHIND THE GYM.

NEVER SAY NEVER, DONNA.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND FOX BROADCASTING

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

WELL, THIS NIGHT TURNED OUT OKAY.

PRETTY ROMANTIC.

YEAH, IT'S JUST HOW I IMAGINED IT...

JUST YOU AND ME...

I DO NOT FEEL TOO GOOD.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, MAYBE IT'S NOT JUST HOW I IMAGINED IT.

COVER YOUR EARS.

THIS PART GETS PRETTY GROSS.

[THROWING UP]