Original subtitles

LAURIE'S BUS ISN'T HERE YET.

DAD, CAN WE GET IN THE CAR AND TURN ON THE HEAT?

I'M FREEZING.

I'M NOT WASTING GAS JUST SO YOU CAN BE COMFORTABLE.

WELL, CAN WE AT LEAST GO WAIT INSIDE?

I'M NOT GOING IN THAT BUS STATION WITH THOSE PEOPLE.

GOD, I'M FREEZING.

ERIC, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

YOUR SISTER'S BRINGING A FRIEND HOME,

SO YOU'LL BE SLEEPING IN THE BASEMENT.

THE BASEMENT?

THEY SHOULD SLEEP IN LAURIE'S ROOM.

OH, AND RED, I'VE BEEN THINKING...

MAYBE THIS THANKSGIVING WE SHOULD SKIP THE BIG TURKEY.

SMALL ONES ARE ON SALE AT PIGGLY WIGGLY.

THIS FAMILY DOESN'T SCRIMP ON HOLIDAYS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE MY MOTHER SITTING DOWN TO A CHICKEN?

RED, YOUR MOTHER WON'T EAT MY COOKING ANYWAY,

SO THAT WON'T BE A PROBLEM.

DAD, THEY SHOULD SLEEP IN THE BASEMENT.

RED, LAST THANKSGIVING SHE SAID

HER JAW WASN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO CHEW THE TURKEY,

AND THAT WAS A MAGNIFICENT TURKEY.

DAD, IT'S MY ROOM... I WORK MYSELF...

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT. HOLD IT.

NOW, KITTY, DON'T GET WORKED UP OVER MY MOTHER.

AND YOU, YOU'RE SLEEPING IN THE BASEMENT,

AND WE'RE ALL HAVING A HAPPY DAMN THANKSGIVING.

MOMMY, DADDY... THIS IS KATE.

HI.

HI, SWEETHEART.

OH, LET'S GET IN THE CAR. YOU MUST BE FREEZING.

SO YOU'RE ERIC.

YOUR SISTER DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE SO CUTE.

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN THIS WEEKEND.

YOU CAN SLEEP IN MY ROOM!

GET KATE SETTLED INTO YOUR ROOM.

YEAH.

OH, YEAH, AND, HEY, DON'T FORGET

TO SHOW HER YOUR G.I. JOE DOLLS.

THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

THAT'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO TELL DAD

ABOUT THAT PROFESSOR YOU'RE DATING.

WHAT?

DAD, HE'S JOKING.

GOSH, I HOPE IT DOESN'T GET TOO COLD TONIGHT.

I SLEEP PRACTICALLY NAKED.

SO, KITTY, LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING?

YES.

RED'S MOTHER IS COMING.

WHAT'S THAT PET NAME SHE HAS FOR YOU?

WHORE.

OH, YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T BOTHER ME

AS MUCH AS SHE DOES RED, AND HE'S...

HE'S TENSE ENOUGH, WHAT WITH CHRISTMAS COMING UP

AND HIM ONLY WORKING PART-TIME.

PART-TIME, HUH? THAT'S ROUGH.

OOH, WHEN BOB GETS TENSE,

WE TAKE A BUBBLE BATH TOGETHER.

SOAKING MY NAKED BODY REALLY RELAXES HIM.

OH, DEAR...

MOM, TELEPHONE.

OH, I GOTTA GO.

♪ HANGIN' OUT ♪

♪ DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD THING ♪

♪ WE DID LAST WEEK ♪

♪ NOT A THING TO DO ♪

♪ BUT TALK TO YOU ♪

♪ WHOA, YEAH ♪♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

SO, THIS KATE, IS SHE HOT?

OF COURSE SHE'S HOT.

ALL COLLEGE GIRLS ARE HOT.

I MEAN, WE'VE ALL SEEN THE BROCHURES, RIGHT?

OKAY. DONNA, HELP ME PLAY SOME MUSIC...

RIGHT NOW.

SO SHE'S HOT, RIGHT?

OH, SO HOT. YEAH.

OKAY...

ARE YOU OKAY?

UM... YEAH.

DONNA, HOW CAN YOU BE OKAY?

THERE'S A COLLEGE WOMAN SLEEPING IN HIS BED.

HE'S SLEEPING IN THE BASEMENT.

DONNA, STAIRS ARE NOT GONNA STOP A HIGH SCHOOL HORN DOG.

BARBED WIRE WILL NOT STOP A HIGH SCHOOL HORN DOG.

A WALL OF FIRE WILL NOT STOP...

I GET IT, I GET IT.

POOR DONNA. SO NAIVE.

SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO DO?

Kate: ERIC, I HOPE IT DOESN'T GET TOO COLD TONIGHT.

I SLEEP PRACTICALLY NAKED.

YEAH, WELL...

I GUESS I'M JUST GONNA, OH...

JUST KIDDING. I'M TUCKERED OUT.

SO I MIGHT AS... WELL GO HOME.

SO TELL ME ABOUT SCHOOL.

OH, WELL, I'VE DECIDED TO MAJOR IN PHILOSOPHY.

THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE THEY JUST OPENED UP

THAT BIG PHILOSOPHY FACTORY IN GREEN BAY.

ERIC, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BEING FUNNY?

I'M NOT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW... SWEEP THE GARAGE.

YES, SIR.

I WONDER IF THE PILGRIMS WERE CLEVER ENOUGH

TO PUT PEANUT BUTTER IN THEIR CELERY.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

KITTY, COULD YOU GET THAT?

I'M FIXING THE DRAWER.

AHEM.

OH, DEAR GOD.

YOUR MOTHER HAS ALREADY CALLED ME

FIVE TIMES THIS MORNING, RED.

YOU ANSWER IT.

KITTY, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER.

SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOU.

HELLO.

HI, MA.

REALLY?

IT'S FOR YOU.

HELLO, MOTHER FORMAN.

MM-HMM.

JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU... I DON'T KNOW... A HALF AN HOUR AGO,

THE KIDS WILL BE THERE AT NOON TO PICK YOU UP.

YUP. YOU'RE RIGHT. I NEED TO WORK ON MY ATTITUDE.

BYE, THEN.

YOU KNOW...

I COULD HAVE MARRIED BILL BAUER.

HIS MOTHER WAS DEAD.

WHAT IF HE YELLS AT ME?

HE'S NOT GONNA YELL AT YOU.

YOU'RE DOING HIM A FAVOR.

GO, GO...

RED, HEH, WHAT A SURPRISE TO RUN INTO YOU. HEH.

I LIVE HERE, BOB.

YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP.

OKAY, I'M GOING IN.

UH, ACTUALLY, RED, I, UH...

I JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

MY APPLIANCE STORE GETS, YOU KNOW,

REAL BUSY OVER THE HOLIDAYS, AND, UH,

I COULD USE A LITTLE HELP DOWN THERE.

OH, YOU'RE OFFERING ME A JOB?

NOW, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET THE WRONG IDEA.

THIS IS NOT CHARITY.

CHARITY?

NO. NOT CHARITY.

I'M NOT LOOKING FOR WORK ANYWAY, BOB.

BUT... GOOD NIGHT, BOB!

MIDGE, HE YELLED AT ME.

♪♪♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME IN.

WOW.

WHAT?

UM, I WAS JUST COMING UP HERE TO GET SOMETHING TO SLEEP IN.

SO...

I... I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU LATER, THEN.

YOU CAN STAY AND TALK A MINUTE IF YOU WANT.

O... KAY.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

O... KAY.

SO...

KATE.

SO, UM, THAT'S SHORT FOR KATHERINE, RIGHT?

YEAH.

HAVE A SEAT.

SO HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WHERE YOU WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL YET?

OH.

WELL, I LIKE... YOUR SCHOOL.

I FOUND THAT IT WAS REALLY...

I HAVE TO GO TO BED NOW.

WAIT, WE ARE IN BED.

OKAY. I SEE.

OKAY.

SO...

GOOD NIGHT.

ERIC...

JUST, UM... ONE SECOND?

[IN THOUGHT] OKAY, BASEBALL, VIETNAM, RICHARD NIXON, PAT NIXON,

PAT BOONE, THE GIRL WHO DOES THE WEATHER... NO, NO!

OKAY, JELLYFISH, REALLY BIG SPIDERS, COME ON, DIG DEEP.

OKAY, THE DAY WE BACKED OVER SKIPPER IN THE DRIVEWAY

AND INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE COUNTY FAIR,

I HAD TO BURY HIM IN THE BACK YARD.

OKAY.

I'M GOOD.

AND GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, RED. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

YEAH.

WELL, AHEM...

YOU'RE UP AWFUL EARLY.

WELL, LUCKILY I HEARD THE PHONE RING

WHEN YOUR MOTHER CALLED AT 5:00 THIS MORNING.

YEAH. THAT, UM...

THAT IS LUCKY.

OH, BEFORE I FORGET, LAURIE TOLD ME

WHAT SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS.

A PORTABLE TV FOR HER DORM ROOM.

HEH.

I'M WORKING PART-TIME, SHE WANTS A TV, GREAT.

MAYBE BOB CAN GET YOU A GOOD DEAL ON ONE FROM HIS STORE.

I DON'T NEED ANY HELP FROM THAT DAMN BOB.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID YESTERDAY?

HE OFFERED ME A JOB.

HE DID?

OH, HO HO HO...

WELL, WE HAVE TO MOVE AWAY FROM SUCH AN EVIL MAN.

WELL, YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN IN THE MORNING.

HEY...

TURKEY BOY...

WANT TO SHOW ME YOUR GIBLETS?

SO YOU MADE OUT WITH A COLLEGE GIRL?

KINDA.

START TALKING.

TELL IT LIKE A STORY.

LIKE A SEXY STORY.

OKAY.

SHE, LIKE, JAMMED HER ENTIRE TONGUE INTO MY MOUTH.

AND YOU WOULDN'T THINK A GIRL HAD, LIKE,

THAT MUCH TONGUE, YOU KNOW?

THAT IS GREAT!

OH... OH, YEAH.

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I FEEL KINDA GUILTY,

ALMOST LIKE... DIRTY.

DIRTY IS GOOD.

I LIKE FEELING DIRTY.

NO, NO. I MEAN, I FEEL BAD.

LOOK, I THINK I GOTTA TELL DONNA.

REALLY?

WELL, ON BEHALF OF MEN EVERYWHERE...

YEAH, MAN. I MEAN, THE RIGHT THING TO DO

IS JUGGLE THEM BOTH UNTIL IT ALL BLOWS UP IN YOUR FACE.

LOOK, YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I CAN'T HIDE ANYTHING.

THE MINUTE SHE LOOKS AT ME, SHE'S GONNA KNOW.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?

I KISSED A GIRL.

OH, MY GOD!

YOU WHAT?

YOU KNOW THAT FRIEND MY SISTER BROUGHT HOME FROM COLLEGE?

THE SLUTTY ONE?

YEAH. THAT ONE.

UM... I KISSED HER.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

I... I FEEL GUILTY...

BECAUSE IT WAS, LIKE...

REALLY KISSING.

SO WHAT WE DO ISN'T REALLY KISSING?

I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW,

CONSIDERING THAT YOU AND I HAVE A THING.

RIGHT?

WELL, OBVIOUSLY WE DON'T HAVE A THING

IF YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND KISSING SLUTTY GIRLS, RIGHT?

OKAY, YOU'RE MAD.

MAD? NOOOO.

WHY SHOULD I BE MAD?

I MEAN, IN FACT, YOU CAN KISS WHATEVER YOU WANT.

START WITH YOUR OWN BUTT!

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS HERE?

IT'S THANKSGIVING. DON'T YOU HAVE FAMILIES?

UM... UM...

HEY, DONNA, YOU WANNA TALK?

[DOOR CLOSES]

I GUESS DONNA DIDN'T TAKE IT VERY WELL.

TAKE WHAT WELL?

ERIC MADE OUT WITH KATE.

ANYTHING ELSE?

YOUR SON IS A WHORE.

ERIC...

NOW, DONNA JUST CAME THROUGH HERE LOOKING VERY UPSET.

WOULD YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT'S ABOUT?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

SHE SEEMED FINE WHEN WE...

UM, YOU ALREADY KNOW.

OF COURSE I KNOW.

DONNA IS SUCH A SWEET KID.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HER?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE BAD THINGS

ARE ALWAYS HAPPENING TO ME,

LIKE I HAVE BAD LUCK OR SOMETHING.

SON...

YOU DON'T HAVE BAD LUCK.

THE REASON THAT BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU...

IS BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUMB ASS.

NOW, FIX IT.

LOOK, DONNA, UM...

CAN WE TALK?

I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALO...

NO.

YOU SHOULD STAY.

WE DON'T HAVE SECRETS IN OUR HOUSE.

WE DON'T SNEAK AROUND ON EACH OTHER

LIKE A LITTLE HORNY RAT KISSING OTHER GIRLS.

LOOK, DONNA...

UM, PLEASE COME TO MY HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING DESSERT.

EVERYONE'S GONNA BE THERE. YOU ALWAYS COME.

PLEASE DON'T LET SOME STUPID THING THAT I DID WRECK THAT.

WELL, I CAN'T DEPEND ON YOU,

SO WHY SHOULD YOU BE ABLE TO DEPEND ON ME?

LOOK...

DONNA, PLEASE, OKAY?

I'M REALLY SORRY...

AND... I FEEL REALLY BAD.

GOOD!

POOR THING.

MOM!

OH... YOU!

OF COURSE I MEANT YOU.

AS A FOOD EDITOR, I WANTED TO FIND OUT FOR MYSELF

JUST WHAT MAKES THE MODERN TURKEY SO GOOD.

AMEN. LET'S EAT.

NOW, IS EVERYTHING ON THE TABLE?

I STILL FEEL LIKE I FORGOT SOMETHING.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

OH, MY GOD. I FORGOT YOUR MOTHER.

HELLO, MOTHER FORMAN.

NO. I DIDN'T FORGET YOU.

I DON'T KNOW. THE KIDS LEFT A HALF HOUR AGO TO PICK YOU UP.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT'S KEEPING THEM.

PUT THAT BACK!

TOYOTA'S BLOCKING THE CAR, I NEED THE KEYS!

WOULD YOU HOLD ON ONE TEENY-TINY SECOND?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MOVE!

ARE YOU SURE THEY'RE NOT THERE? LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR GLASSES ON?

WHERE'S YOUR GRANDMA?

SHE'S NOT COMING.

SHE SAID SHE'S GOING TO COUSIN JOEL'S FOR THANKSGIVING.

AH. THAT'S NOT SO BAD.

ACTUALLY, SHE SAID IT WAS A SHAME

SHE COULDN'T SPEND WHAT MIGHT BE

HER LAST THANKSGIVING WITH HER FAMILY,

BUT SHE HOPES WE ALL ENJOY OURSELVES.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S JUST FINE. HA HA HA.

I DON'T NEED TO KISS SOME OLD LADY'S A-S-S ON MY HOLIDAY.

YOU HEARD WHAT I SPELLED.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

FORGET IT.

[RING]

OHH...

WHOO.

SO...

YOU GIVE AN EMPLOYEE'S DISCOUNT DOWN THERE AT YOUR STORE?

TWENTY PERCENT.

DOES THAT COVER, UH, ANYTHING,

LIKE, OH, SAY, UH, PORTABLE TVs?

OH, HECK, YEAH.

CONGRATULATIONS, BOB. YOU JUST HIRED ME.

GOOD.

I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT, RED.

YOU KNOW YOU'LL HAVE TO CALL ME MR. PINCIOTTI AT WORK.

OH, I GOT YOU GOOD THAT TIME.

DONNA, I AM SO GLAD YOU CAME.

I ONLY CAME BECAUSE MY MOM MADE ME, OKAY?

HEY, DONNA, ALL RIGHT, GOOD TO SEE YA.

GOT YOU SOME PIE.

I DON'T WANT ANY STUPID PIE.

WHAT? I DIDN'T KISS HER.

HEY, THERE, BOB. YOU WANT A PIECE OF PIE?

OH, YEAH.

HEY, DONNA...

OH, DON'T GET ALL TOUGH WITH ME.

YEAH? YEAH!

OKAY.

NO, LOOK.

WE NEED TO TALK.

I'LL START. GET OUT!

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

I ALREADY APOLOGIZED.

YOU JUST WANT TO FORGET ABOUT US

BECAUSE I KISSED SOME GIRL?

WHY'D YOU DO IT?

WELL, I HAVE IT ON PRETTY GOOD AUTHORITY THAT I'M A DUMB ASS.

SO YOU LIKED IT?

YEAH. I LIKED IT.

"NO" WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER ANSWER.

DONNA...

LOOK...

THAT KISS WAS GREAT.

AND IF I COULD TAKE IT BACK, I WOULD,

BECAUSE IT'S NOT WORTH RUINING WHAT YOU AND I HAVE.

ERIC, YOU ARE A DUMB ASS.

SO IS THAT LIKE, "I FORGIVE YOU, DUMB ASS"...

OR, UM, "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU DUMB ASS"?

WELL, MOSTLY THE FIRST ONE.

WOW.

TONGUE.

OH, YEAH.

OKAY, WELL, LET'S GO TO DESSERT.

JUST, UH, ONE SECOND?

DONNA?

JUST... ONE MINUTE.

[IN THOUGHT] SILK SHEETS, JOE NAMETH'S BUTT

STRAWBERRIES...

SLOW DANCING...

OH...

THE WASHING MACHINE WITH AN UNBALANCED LOAD.

WELL, I'M GOOD.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ANYBODY ELSE

ABOUT LAST NIGHT, HAVE YOU?

I MEAN, IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING...

I MEAN, FOR ME, NOT YOU.

OH, NO KATE, THAT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET.

SO, KATE, YOU AND ERIC, HUH?

LIKE THE GRADUATE, OLDER WOMAN, YOUNGER MAN...

YOU KNOW, IF BREAKING UP COUPLES IS YOUR THING,

YOU CAN DO YOUR THING WITH ME,

'CAUSE I'M...

Jackie: MICHAEL!

HELLO, KATE.

MAY I SEE YOUR GIANT TONGUE?

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE