Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

[Deep Voice] YEP, THAT'S RIGHT.

100 BAGS OF MANURE.

YEAH, THE WIFE AND I ARE REDOING THE FRONT LAWN,

AND, UH, TELL YOU WHAT, IF I'M NOT THERE,

JUST DUMP IT ALL ON THE FRONT PORCH.

BYE-BYE.

YEAH, MAN. COACH JEFFERSON IS GONNA FREAK.

YEAH, WELL, HE JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN ME THAT "D."

OH, NO. DICK TRACY'S TRAPPED IN A GIANT CLAM.

FAREWELL, SWEET DICK.

A MAN BEING EATEN BY A GIANT CLAM.

NOW, I'M NOT SIGMUND FREUD, BUT...

ERIC,

THE OMEN'S PLAYING AT THE DRIVE-IN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS FOR US?

IT'S MAKE-OUT CITY.

I REALLY LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND, KELSO...

CAN I BRING A GIRL?

YEAH.

MAN, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

HORROR MOVIES TURN ON CHICKS FASTER THAN PORNO.

REALLY? FASTER THAN THAT?

YEAH, IF ONLY SOMEBODY WOULD MAKE A PORNO HORROR MOVIE.

OH, YEAH. THEN THERE'D BE NO STOPPING YOU.

ERIC,

IS THAT KID FROM, UH, NOT AMERICA DOWN HERE?

DAD, IT'S FEZ.

YEAH, WHATEVER.

THE ERDMANS CALLED, AND THEY...

THEY WANT HIM TO...

GO HOME.

KELSO, STOP SAYING "PORNO."

I DIDN'T SAY IT, MR. FORMAN. FEZ DID.

YOU ARE A BITCH.

♪ HANGIN' OUT ♪

♪ DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD THING ♪

♪ WE DID LAST WEEK ♪

♪ NOT A THING TO DO ♪

♪ BUT TALK TO YOU ♪

♪ WHOA, YEAH ♪♪

Steven: HELLO, WISCONSIN!

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, RED?

SOME LADY MAGAZINE.

IT'S COSMO.

OH, MY...

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING, RED.

I JUST TOOK THE "HOW SPONTANEOUS IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP" QUIZ,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHAT?

WE GOT 3 OUT OF 10...

AND I CHEATED.

GEE, I, UH,

I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU'RE POUTING.

OH, NO, NO. I'M NOT POUTING.

THAT WOULD UPSET OUR ROUTINE.

GOD KNOWS I WOULDN'T WANT TO MOVE IN A NEW DIRECTION

AND ACCIDENTALLY SLIP IN A PUDDLE OF FUN OR ANYTHING.

OKAY.

HERE'S A THOUGHT:

HOW ABOUT YOU AND I

TREAT OURSELVES TO A NIGHT OUT?

JUST THE TWO OF US.

WELL, THAT'D BE GREAT, RED.

WE'LL GO TO PHILLIES.

PHILLIES, HUH?

SO YOU'LL HAVE THE SALISBURY STEAK,

AND I'LL HAVE THE BAKED CHICKEN. AGAIN.

WELL, MAYBE I WON'T HAVE THE SALISBURY STEAK.

I ENJOY THEIR HAM.

OH, HAM. WELL, OKAY.

THEN I CAN CHANGE ONE ANSWER ON THE QUIZ.

SO, OKAY, WE HAVE 4 OUT OF 10.

WE HAVE MOVED UP FROM

"PREDICTABLE AS THE TIDES" TO "HUMDRUM."

HA HA HA HA.

I'LL JUST GO CHANGE.

DAMN COSMO.

WHOO.

SON, WHEN WE TOOK YOU IN

AS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT,

YOU BECAME OUR RESPONSIBILITY,

AND WE'RE CONCERNED ABOUT THIS GANG OF RUFFIANS

YOU HANG OUT WITH.

THEY ARE MY FRIENDS.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK.

NOW, WE'RE NOT INFLEXIBLE.

I MEAN, WE LOOKED THE OTHER WAY

WHEN YOU STARTED WEARING COLOGNE...

BUT NOW...

YOU'VE BROUGHT THE DEVIL'S MUSIC INTO OUR HOME.

OH, NO, THAT IS NOT THE DEVIL'S MUSIC.

IT IS ERIC'S.

REBECCA, SHOW THE BOY.

NOW LISTEN TO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHE PLAYS IT BACKWARDS.

[DISTORTED MUSIC]

THAT CANNOT BE GOOD FOR THE RECORD.

THERE IT IS. "DEVIL LOVE ME."

"DEVIL LIVES." IT'S CLEAR AS DAY.

WHAT'S FUNNY?

IN MY LANGUAGE, THAT RECORD JUST SAID,

"I WANT TO SEX YOUR MONKEY."

WHICH I HAVE NEVER DONE.

SO, DONNA, I WAS THINKING, UH,

WE SHOULD GO SEE A MOVIE TONIGHT.

OH, COOL. I'D LOVE TO SEE

ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN.

OH.

WELL, I ACTUALLY HEAR THAT ISN'T VERY GOOD.

OH.

YEAH.

HEY, UH, I WAS THINKING MAYBE THE OMEN.

ISN'T THAT AT THE DRIVE-IN?

IS THAT AT THE...

YEAH, NO, I GUESS IT IS.

SO DO YOU WANT TO GO?

TONIGHT?

UM,

YEAH, SURE.

Announcer: WHEN THE CHILD WAS 5 YEARS OLD...

SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED.

THE TRUTH. WHERE DOES IT END?

THE OMEN?

THAT'S AT THE DRIVE-IN.

I KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE ERIC,

AND I'D LIKE TO HAVE A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP, BUT...

IT'S CALLED MAKE-OUT, DONNA.

SAY IT.

ALL RIGHT. MAKE-OUT.

BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO BE PUBLIC.

I DON'T WANT IT TO BE TACKY.

I DON'T WANT THERE TO BE PRESSURE,

AND NOW IT'S THIS TACKY, PUBLIC,

PRESSURE MAKE-OUT THING.

I UNDERSTAND. EVERYBODY WANTS THEIR FIRST MAKE-OUT

TO BE SPECIAL AND SOMEPLACE ROMANTIC,

LIKE IRELAND OR DISNEY WORLD.

DISNEY WORLD?

RIGHT, SORRY.

SO, LET'S FOCUS.

HE ASKED YOU TO THE DRIVE-IN.

DONNA SAY YES?

AND YOU SAID YES?

YES. YES.

YES. OH, THIS IS GREAT.

ME AND JACKIE WILL COME WITH YOU.

NO.

WILL YOU COME WITH US?

WHY?

WHY NOT?

WELL, YOU'D BE LIKE COMPETITION.

YOU'D BE LIKE A LOOPHOLE.

COMPETITION? LOOPHOLE?

YEAH, I'D HAVE TO KEEP UP WITH YOU AND JACKIE,

AND THAT WOULD MAKE ME NERVOUS.

I COULD ALWAYS TALK TO YOU IF I GET NERVOUS,

'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO BE BORED WITH SEX BY NOW.

Kelso and Jackie: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Eric and Donna: YOU GUYS HAVE DONE IT, LIKE, A MILLION TIMES.

TRUE.

WE HAVE NEVER DONE IT.

YEAH. SLID IN TO HOME ON THE SECOND DATE.

WE GOT TO THIRD BASE ONCE,

AND THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

WHATEVER. WHATEVER.

DON'T WORRY. WE'LL BE THERE.

FINE. WE WON'T GO.

PERFECT. THANKS.

TV: ♪ NEW RICE-A-RONI ♪

♪ THE SAN FRANCISCO TREAT ♪

♪ NEW RICE... ♪♪

OKAY, NOW, SEE?

THIS DRESS SAYS,

"LOOK AT ME, NOTICE ME, STARE AT ME."

IT'S ALL WRONG.

NO, YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

ESPECIALLY FOR DINNER AT THE LION'S HEAD.

NO. IT'S NO GOOD. I... WHAT?

THE LION'S HEAD?

I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO PHILLIES.

WELL, I, UH, CHANGED MY MIND.

WELL, YOU NEVER DO THAT.

THE LION'S HEAD.

IT IS SO FANCY.

THEY MAKE THE BUTTER LOOK LIKE LITTLE FLOWERS.

YEAH, YEAH, AND IT'S DIFFERENT.

I MEAN, HELL, WE HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN YEARS.

IT'LL BE FUN.

OH, OH.

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

OH, OH.

OKAY, NOW, IF WE ARE GOING TO GO

TO SOMEPLACE THAT FANCY,

I HAVE TO SHAVE YOUR NECK.

I'LL GET THE CLIPPERS, YOU HOP IN THE TUB.

I AM TELLING YOU.

I HEARED IT.

THE DEVIL IS SINGING BACKWARDS ON THE RECORD.

IT'S NOT THE DEVIL, MAN.

IT'S CONGRESS.

THEY PASSED A SECRET LAW

TO PUT BACKWARD MESSAGES IN OUR RECORDS, MAN.

THEY WANT TO KILL ROCK 'N' ROLL

BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT MAKES US HORNY, MAN.

DOESN'T, UH,

DOESN'T PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING MAKE US HORNY?

CARTOONS MAKE ME HORNY.

OH, AND... AND FOOD.

WHEN YOU PLAY THE RECORD BACKWARDS,

YOU CAN HEAR THE DEVIL SPEAK.

I AM STARTING TO HEAR HIM EVERYWHERE. AAH.

[SPEAKING BACKWARDS]

[AS ONE POSSESSED] SATAN IS YOUR MASTER, FEZ.

WORSHIP SATAN.

[WHIMPERS]

BUT BEFORE YOU WORSHIP SATAN,

GET HIM A CHERRY POP.

GET SATAN A CHERRY POP.

COME ON, MAN, GET ME A POP.

FEZ, MAN, GET ME A POP.

OH, I'M SORRY. I MISUNDERSTOOD.

SATAN'S SECOND CHOICE IS ROOT BEER.

AY-YI.

WERNER, PARTY OF TWO.

RED?

WHAT IS THIS PLACE?

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LION'S HEAD?

BURNED DOWN. FIVE DEAD. REAL SAD.

WELCOME TO BLANNIGAN'S.

MAY I TAKE YOUR NAME?

I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, UM, IT CERTAINLY IS DIFFERENT.

MIGHT NOT BE SO BAD.

ON YOUR LEFT, SPARKY.

WELL, UM,

THE STAFF IS CERTAINLY ENTHUSIASTIC.

I'M SURE I CAN GET US A NICE QUIET TABLE.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪ [HONK HONK HONK]

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪ [HONK HONK]

♪ TO YOU ♪♪ [HONK]

I'LL PUT OUR NAME ON THE LIST.

[CLEARING THROAT] FORMAN. PARTY OF TWO.

OKEY-DOKEY. THAT'LL BE ABOUT 2 HOURS.

HERE'S 20 BUCKS.

ALL RIGHT. WE'LL HAVE SOMETHING IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES.

YOU DON'T WANT THIS PLACE TO BURN DOWN TWICE, DO YOU?

ALL RIGHT. WE HAVE SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

WELL, SWEETHEART, THIS IS OUR LUCKY NIGHT.

OH, UH, WOULD YOU CHECK THIS?

SURE.

LOOKS REAL GOOD.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

UM, MAYBE I SHOULD, UH,

GO BACK TO MY HOUSE AND POP SOME POPCORN,

'CAUSE... THEY ALWAYS OVERCHARGE.

JACKIE AND KELSO.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

NOTHING. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

DONNA AND I ARE GOING TO THE DRIVE-IN.

REMEMBER?

THANK YOU, ERIC. WE'D LOVE TO GO.

MICHAEL, GET IN THE CAR.

BUT, I... DON'T...

GET IN THE CAR.

AHEM.

LOOK, THIS ISN'T WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT AT ALL.

L-I'M SORRY, MAN.

I'LL TAKE IT SLOW.

TRY TO KEEP UP.

WHOO-HOO! GOING TO THE DRIVE-IN.

HELLO, I'M GUY, AND I'LL BE YOUR WAITER.

WOULD EITHER OF YOU LIKE TO HELP YOURSELF

TO OUR BLANNIGANTASTIC SALAD BAR?

WHAT'S A SALAD BAR?

OH, IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

ALL THE SALAD FIXINGS,

AND YOU MAKE YOUR OWN BLANNIGANTASTIC SALAD.

YOU MEAN MY WIFE HAS TO MAKE HER OWN SALAD?

IT'LL BE WORTH THE TRIP.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

RED.

NO, NO, NO, KITTY. IT'S OKAY.

UH, GUY,

MY WIFE DIDN'T GET ALL DRESSED UP

FOR A SPECIAL NIGHT OUT

SO THAT SHE COULD MAKE HER OWN SALAD.

SEE, SHE COULD DO THAT AT HOME.

FOR FREE.

BUT SHE WOULDN'T HAVE 8 BLANNIGANTASTIC DRESSINGS

TO CHOOSE FROM AT HOME, WOULD SHE?

ARE YOU BEING A WISEACRE?

RED, HONEY, HONEY,

YOUR NECK VEIN. IT'S POKING OUT.

SIR,

I CAN'T BRING HER A SALAD. I'LL GET IN TROUBLE.

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A RESTAURANT IS THIS?

YOU GOT 8 PEOPLE SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

AND NOBODY CAN BRING MY WIFE A DAMN SALAD.

RED, HONEY,

NECK VEIN, NECK VEIN, NECK VEIN.

COME ON, KITTY. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪ [HONK HONK HONK]

OH, SCREW YOUR FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY.

Announcer: PLEASE REPLACE THE SPEAKER ON ITS RACK

WHEN YOU'RE READY TO LEAVE.

FAILURE TO DO SO WILL DAMAGE

BOTH THE SPEAKER AND YOUR CAR.

[OMEN SOUNDTRACK PLAYS HYMN]

[SLURPING SOUNDS]

GOD, THIS MOVIE EVEN SOUNDS GROSS.

THAT'S NOT THE MOVIE.

AHH.

SO... [CLEARING THROAT]

YOU GUYS OKAY UP HERE?

UH, NO. UM,

I WANT POPCORN,

AND I WANT ERIC AND KELSO TO GO GET IT.

OH, ERIC CAN GO GET IT.

NO.

MICHAEL, GO.

OKEY-DOKE.

I DIDN'T BRING YOU HERE TO SUCK KELSO'S FACE OFF.

I KNOW.

I'M SORRY.

THIS IS SO AWKWARD.

YOU'RE RIGHT, AND I WASN'T BEING A VERY GOOD FRIEND.

NO MORE MAKING OUT.

I PROMISE.

ALL RIGHT, UH,

ABOUT THE POPCORN?

I NEED MONEY.

WHAT? I DON'T WANT POPCORN.

GET BACK IN THE CAR.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS.

NO. MICHAEL, MICHAEL, NO.

WE ARE GONNA WATCH THE MOVIE WITH ERIC AND DONNA.

BUT I MISSED THE BEGINNING.

OKAY, THE LITTLE KID'S A DEVIL,

THEY HAVE TO KILL HIM. WATCH THE MOVIE.

Woman in movie: LOOK AT ME, DAMIEN.

IT'S ALL FOR YOU.

[CRASH]

AAH! AAH!

DONNA, IT'S...

IT'S JUST A MOVIE.

OH.

DO YOU WANT TO SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE?

SO BAD.

SO...

HERE WE ARE.

BACK AT PHILLIES.

YEP. GOOD OLD PHILLIES.

GOOD FOOD AT A FAIR PRICE.

YOU'RE ORDERING THE SALISBURY STEAK, AREN'T YOU?

NOPE. I'M GOING FOR THE HAM.

RED, DON'T PUT YOUR HAT ON THE COUNTER.

IT'S ALL GREASY.

HEY, PAL?

CAN I GET SOME, UH, HALF AND HALF?

WELL, ISN'T THIS FAMILIAR?

OKAY, NOW HERE'S HOW WE SNEAK THE DEVIL MUSIC

PAST OZZIE AND HARRIET.

OBSERVE.

ALICE COOPER, MEET PAT BOONE.

[STRAINS] DON'T RESIST ME, PAT BOONE.

[FALSETTO] NO, YOU'RE HURTING ME.

COME ON, TAKE IT. NO, IT HURTS.

COME ON. NO.

OHH.

BUT WHAT IF MY HOST PARENTS HEAR IT?

THEN SATAN COMMANDS US TO KILL THEM, FEZ.

NO.

TELL YOU WHAT. WE'LL USE THE HEADPHONES.

YES.

KITTY, I'M SORRY ABOUT TONIGHT.

OH, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, RED.

YOU KNOW HOW EMOTIONAL I GET WHEN I READ COSMO.

BOY, DO I.

YOU KNOW, OKAY, AT LEAST WE GAVE IT A TRY.

I GUESS WE HAVE SLOWED DOWN.

FLATTENED OUT.

OH, AT OUR AGE, IT'S INEVITABLE.

OKAY, THAT'S IT.

RED! OH, MY LORD.

YOU'RE NOT FLASHING BACK TO GUADALCANAL, ARE YOU?

HOLD ON, KITTY.

THE NIGHT'S NOT OVER.

YOU KNOW THE STARS ARE REALLY JUST...

FORGET IT.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

WELL, UH,

JACKIE AND KELSO HAVE CERTAINLY

MADE THEMSELVES COMFORTABLE.

YEAH.

IT'S A ROOMY CAR.

YEAH, IT IS.

YOU KNOW, THE BENCH SEAT IN THE VISTA CRUISER...

IS THE SAME AS WHAT'S IN

THE FULL-SIZE PONTIAC CATALINA.

WOW, THAT'S INTERESTING.

[CHEERS FROM CROWD]

Guy: SMOOTH MOVE, FORMAN!

OKAY, KIDS. BREAK IT UP.

LET'S GO.

WHOA. HEY, YOU'RE... ADULTS.

DAMN RIGHT WE'RE ADULTS.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

MY MISTAKE.

THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GO BUST

SOME POT-SMOKING TEENAGERS

BEFORE I GIVE YOU A GOOD ADULT-SIZE

KICK IN THE ASS?

YES, SIR.

THANK YOU, SIR.

ENJOY YOUR EVENING.

OH, RED.

THAT WAS SO SWEET.

YOU LET HIM OFF WITH A WARNING.

YEAH,

BUT YOU'RE NOT GETTING OFF THAT EASY.

OH, RED.

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA ♪

♪ RAINDROPS KEEP FALLIN' ON MY HEAD ♪

♪ BA-BA ♪

♪ JUST LIKE A GUY WHOSE FEET ♪

♪ ARE TOO BIG FOR HIS BED ♪

♪ IN-A-GADDA-DA-VIDA, HONEY ♪

THIS LOUD MUSIC WILL NOT DAMAGE MY HEARING?

NO, NO. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

HEY, DAD.

HEY, SON.

HOW WAS THE MOVIE?

IT WAS PRETTY GORY.

YEAH? HOW'D IT END?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

ATTA BOY.

SO, HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?

IT WAS FANTASTIC.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT. GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

NIGHT, SON. OH, AND, UH,

BE QUIET GOING UPSTAIRS.

YOUR MOTHER IS... VERY TIRED.

SO PHILLIES WAS FUN?

YES, INDEEDY.

VERY DEPENDABLE.

AS ALWAYS.

[SPEAKING BACKWARDS]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER AND FOX BROADCASTING

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE