Original subtitles

[PETER FRAMPTON'S DO YOU FEEL LIKE WE DO? PLAYS]

OOH, OOH! I JUST WANTTO HEAR THE GUITAR SOLO ONE MORE TIME.

NOT AGAIN. USE THE HEADPHONES.

GOOD. NOW, WRAP THE CORD AROUND YOUR NECK.

HEY, WOULD YOU GUYS RESPECT ME IF I WORKED IN THE TOWN DUMP?

THE TOWN DUMP, NO.

NOW, THE STATE DUMP...

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A JOB?

EVERYTHING COSTS MONEY: GAS, CLOTHES...

FUN.

DATES. DATES COST MONEY.

NO, KELSO, THAT IS PROSTITUTION.

DATING IS PROSTITUTION, MAN,

ONLY YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

SAID THE MAN WHO'S NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

WHAT, YOU GUYS DON'T REMEMBER ESTHER, THE BIKER CHICK?

HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HER?

SHE'S DATING MY UNCLE.

WELL, I'M GOING HOME FOR DINNER.

OH, BY THE WAY, MOM AND DAD

ARE GOING TO THE PLAYBOY CLUB AT LAKE GENEVA THIS WEEKEND.

DO YOU GUYS WANT SOUVENIRS?

OOH, ASHTRAYS.

A WOMAN.

YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA BE OUT OF TOWN?

REALLY?

YEAH I MEAN, I'LL BE BABYSITTING MY SISTER TINA ALL WEEKEND.

JUST ME...

ALONE...

WATCHING TV.

I MIGHT ORDER A PIZZA.

I GOT AN IDEA!

WE'LL HAVE A PARTY AT DONNA'S,

A TOGA PARTY!

MICHAEL? MICHAEL,

MAYBE DONNA DOESN'T WANT TO THROW A PARTY.

MAYBE SHE WANTS TO BE ALONE.

YEAH, JUST ME, ALONE.

IF SOMEONE HAPPENS TO STOP BY, THAT'D BE PRETTY COOL.

SO WE'RE ON. I'LL BRING THE BEER!

DONNA, I NEVER BEEN TO AN AMERICAN PARTY. MAY I COME?

UM, UH, YEAH, I DON'T CARE.

UH, SO, UH, ERIC, ARE YOU GONNA BE THERE?

YEAH, YEAH, SOUNDS FUN.

COOL. CATCH YOU GUYS LATER.

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

PARTY AT DONNA'S!

YOU ARE BOTH SO STUPID!

OW! WHY?

WELL, THIS IS A FIRST. I ACTUALLY AGREE WITH JACKIE.

WHAT, YOU'RE SAYING THAT I'M STUPID?

DONNA JUST PUT ON THE FULL-CORE PRESS, MAN,

AND YOU DROPPED THE BALL.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ALL SHE SAID WAS THAT SHE'D BE ALONE SATURDAY NIGHT

WITH A PIZZA...

OH, GOD, I'M SO STUPID.

♪ HANGIN' OUT ♪

♪ DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD THING ♪

♪ WE DID LAST WEEK ♪

♪ NOT A THING TO DO ♪

♪ BUT TALK TO YOU ♪

♪ WHOA, YEAH! ♪♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

SO DAD, THE GUYS AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT GETTING JOBS.

NO, NO, NO. YOU HAVE A JOB.

IT'S YOUR JOB TO GET GOOD GRADES, GO TO COLLEGE, GRADUATE,

AND LEAVE ME.

KITTY, WHEN I WAS HIS AGE, I WORKED IN A SLAUGHTER HOUSE.

IT WAS A GOOD EXPERIENCE.

I LEARNED HOW TO USE A HAMMER.

UH, THE NEW FATSO BURGER IS HIRING PEOPLE.

JACKIE'S DAD OWNS IT. I GUESS I COULD GET A JOB THERE.

THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME LATER TO GET A JOB,

TO GRIND THE JOY OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WORK IS NOT ABOUT FUN, IT'S ABOUT WORK.

IT'S ABOUT SEEING HOW MUCH CRAP YOU CAN TAKE FROM THE BOSS MAN,

AND THEN, TAKING SOME MORE.

AND REMEMBER... HEY, LOOK AT ME.

ONLY QUITTERS QUIT.

SO, CAN I WORK?

WELL, WE'RE SURE AS HELL GONNA FIND OUT NOW, AREN'T WE?

SO, BIG PARTY SATURDAY NIGHT.

WHOOPEE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE FORMAN MISSED ALL OF THOSE SIGNALS.

WHAT SIGNALS?

[FEMININE VOICE] "OH, NO, POOR ME,

"ALL ALONE IN MY BIG HOUSE.

"JUST ME AND MY NIGHTIE.

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME SCRAWNY LITTLE NEIGHBOR BOY HERE."

HE'S NOT SCRAWNY.

YOU KNOW, WHY AM I EVEN TALKING TO YOU?

I'M ALL YOU GOT.

OH, MY GOD! SO EVERYBODY KNOWS.

I'M AFRAID SO.

I JUST WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH HIM ALONE,

AND NOW I CAN'T.

HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

FRUSTRATED. IT'S AS FRUSTRATING AS HELL.

I MEAN, I REALLY PUT MYSELF OUT THERE.

I SEE, AND DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING AT NIGHT?

SOMETIMES, YEAH, I DO.

DO YOU THINK YOU'D SLEEP BETTER

IF YOU HAD A SCRAWNY LITTLE NEIGHBOR BOY UP NEXT TO YOU?

OK, LET'S HEAR IT.

HELLO, MY NAME IS ERIC FORMAN...

NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT WITH A LOOSE HAND, FIRM, YOU KNOW,

NOT LIKE A FISH. AGAIN.

HELLO, MY NAME IS ERIC...

NO, STEP INTO IT, HUH?

STAND UP STRAIGHT.

STRAIGHT UP AND HOLD THE FISH.

DON'T BE A SMART MOUTH.

RIGHT, NO... NO SMART MOUTH.

HELLO, MY NAME IS ERIC FORMAN.

AND?

OH, OH, OH, UM,

TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR JUNIOR ACHIEVEMENT EXPERIENCE.

OH, THEY COULD GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT THAT.

OK, UM, SHOW THEM YOUR HONORABLE MENTION FROM THE SCIENCE FAIR.

AGAIN...

RIGHT, RAT'S ASS.

DON'T SLOUCH!

WOULDN'T THAT FALL UNDER THE "STAND UP STRAIGHT" CATEGORY?

YOU SEE, THAT'S A SMART MOUTH.

YOU'RE FIRED, MR. SMART MOUTH!

SEE, THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.

Man: FIRST OF ALL,

PEOPLE WHO WORK AT FATSO BURGER ARE SPECIAL.

NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME AND WONDERING,

"HOW DO I GET WHERE RICKY IS?"

WELL, IF YOU WORK HARD, PAY ATTENTION,

AND USE THE PROPER FINGER RELEASE TECHNIQUE

ON THE SNAP CUP DISPENSER, YOU COULD BE ME.

NOW, LET'S GET STARTED.

WHY DO YOU WANT A CAREER AT FATSO BURGER?

I JUST THINK IT WILL BE A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE.

MY GIRLFRIEND'S DAD OWNS IT.

I LOVE THE UNIFORMS.

TO UNIONIZE THE WORKERS, MAN.

TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR BEST QUALITY?

WELL, I'M A REAL PEOPLE PERSON.

I DON'T ANSWER STUPID QUESTIONS.

I SPEAK DUTCH.

MY EYES. OH...

AND, I GUESS MY BUTT, TOO.

NAME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF

THAT YOU CONSIDER TO BE A WEAKNESS.

I ALLOW PEOPLE TO BOSS ME AROUND.

I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

I'M BRUTALLY HONEST... PINHEAD.

UM...

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 5 YEARS?

FATSO BURGER.

COVERED IN GOLD CHAINS.

A ROCK STAR...

UH, NO, MOVIE STAR.

NO...

YEAH, ROCK STAR.

PRISON.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH FOR COMING IN.

ERIC, WELCOME TO THE FATSO BURGER FAMILY.

♪ OH, YEAH ♪

OH, DADDY, I'M SO SAD.

WHY, KITTEN?

BECAUSE FATSO BURGER HIRED ERIC INSTEAD OF MICHAEL.

I KNOW, KITTEN.

WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT, DADDY?

LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY ABOUT DOOFUS AND DILIGENT.

DOOFUS IS FRIENDLY, BUT HE DOESN'T FOLLOW DIRECTIONS WELL.

NOW, DILIGENT ALWAYS DOES HIS JOB BY THE BOOK.

THIS IS HOW THE BOOK SAYS TO DO IT:

"WIPE LEFT TO RIGHT."

UH-OH! LOOKS LIKE A BIG ORDER JUST CAME IN.

"LET ME HELP, GUYS," SAYS DILIGENT.

"BUT WAIT A SEC. WHERE'S DOOFUS?"

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS HERE.

"UH-OH, I WAS IN SUCH A HURRY TO GET BACK TO WORK,

I ALMOST FORGOT."

THAT-A-BOY, DILIGENT.

"HEY, THERE, DOOFUS,

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER USING THE FACILITY."

"HA! NO WAY, DILIGENT.

THAT'S FOR SQUARES."

SO MICHAEL'S A DOOFUS?

AND HOW.

WE EXPECT YOU TO BE RESPONSIBLE WHEN WE'RE OUT OF TOWN.

NO PARTIES.

AND I WANT YOU TO BE NICE TO YOUR SISTER.

DON'T MAKE TINA EAT DIRT. I MEAN IT.

AND NO BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING.

IT'S A DIRTY, DIRTY THING THEY WANT.

ENOUGH SAID.

HEY, LOOKING SHARP, ERIC.

YOU GONNA BE AROUND THIS WEEKEND?

Y GOOD. R.

MAKE SURE NO GUYS ARE HANGING AROUND DONNA, CAPISCE?

SO I GOT A JOB.

YEAH?

YEAH. IT SEEMS I'M REALLY FATSO BURGER MATERIAL,

AND I REALLY WISH I HADN'T JUST SAID THAT.

NO, IT SOUNDED COOL.

UM... AHEM...

SO, UH, ARE YOU STILL COMING TO THE PARTY ON SATURDAY?

UH, WELL, I WORK LATE ON SATURDAY NIGHT, BUT, UH...

I MEAN, IF I GET OFF EARLY, I'D LIKE, UH, SWING BY.

SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH. BUT, I MEAN, IT MIGHT BE REALLY LATE.

SO EVERYONE ELSE MIGHT BE GONE.

WELL, UM, YOU KNOW, IF I'M STILL UP,

I COULD LEAVE THE LIGHT ON, IF YOU WANT ME TO?

OH, YEAH... NO, I MEAN, YEAH,

THAT... THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

'CAUSE THAT WAY,

WITH THE LIGHT ON, I COULDN'T... FALL.

YEAH.

OK.

YEAH.

OK.

SOUNDS GOOD.

OK.

YEAH.

HEY, DONNA?

UM, THAT LIGHT?

YEAH.

COOL.

OK.

BYE, MOM.

OH, HEY, ERIC, I'M GOING TO THE RESERVOIR. YOU WANNA GO?

NOPE. I GOTTA WORK.

HEY, ERIC, I MEETING EVERYONE AT THE HUB. YOU WANNA GO?

NOPE. I GOTTA WORK.

HEY, ERIC, I'M GOING TO SEE A MOVIE. YOU WANNA GO?

NOPE. I GOTTA WORK.

HEY, ERIC, I JUST GOT THIS NEW BIKINI,

BUT I THINK IT'S TOO SMALL.

COME MODEL IT FOR YOU?

NOPE. I GOTTA WOOO...

[WHIMPERS]

HEY, HOW'S THAT MOPPING COMING ALONG?

WELL, I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE PART OF THE FATSO BURGER FAMILY...

YOU DUMB ASS.

HEAR, HEAR, MY MINIMUM-WAGED FRIEND,

I DEMAND SERVICE.

WELCOME TO FATSO BURGER. HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?

THAT IS SO SAD, BURGER BOY.

YOU KNOW, JACKIE, I'VE BEEN WRACKING MY BRAIN

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THIS GUY DIDN'T HIRE ME.

MICHAEL, I AM SO TIRED OF HEARING THAT.

YOU STILL HAVE ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT IS?

WHAT?

I'M GREAT-LOOKING, AND HE'S JEALOUS.

I'M TELLING YOU, JACKIE, THIS BODY IS A CURSE!

WELL, BESIDES, IF YOU WORKED HERE,

YOU COULDN'T SEE ME WHENEVER I WANTED YOU TO...

LOVER.

OH, YEAH!

PLEASE STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER...

IT GIVES ME NEEDS.

ARE YOU READY TO ROCK 'N ROLL?

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA...

HEY, MAN, NICE DRESS.

YOU BROUGHT THREE BEERS, MEAT HEAD?

WE'LL... WE'LL SHARE.

HERE'S TO OUR WASTED YOUTH, HUH?

PARTY.

HEY, FEZ.

GOOD EVENING, DONNA.

WHICH OF THESE LADIES ARE EASY?

DONNA, SOME OF YOUR CREEPY FRIENDS ARE USING DAD'S STEREO.

YOU GUYS, NO ONE'S ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE.

HELLO, PRETTY LADY.

HI. HA HA.

SHE'S NOT A PRETTY LADY, SHE'S MY SISTER, AND SHE'S 14.

YOU KNOW, IN MY COUNTRY...

IT'S ILLEGAL HERE.

OH, I SEE.

MICHAEL,

YOU AND I NEED TO TALK...

INSIDE.

OK.

I'M MISERABLE. THIS PARTY SUCKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?

A SCRAWNY LITTLE NEIGHBOR BOY.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF, GO SEE HIM,

I'LL WATCH THE KIDS, HUH?

YEAH? THANKS, HYDE.

[BELCHES] YOU'RE WELCOME.

WELCOME TO FATSO BURGER. HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?

HONEY, IT'S ME.

I KNOW. I HAVE TO SAY THAT.

OH! OH, OK.

WELL, I WAS ON A BREAK FROM THE HOSPITAL,

SO I THOUGHT I'D BRING YOU SOME NICE HOT SOUP.

OH...

OYSTER CRACKERS.

OH, THANK GOD, SOMETHING TO EAT.

SO HOW'S IT GOING?

IT'S GREAT.

SO HOW'S IT GOING?

IT'S TERRIBLE.

MM-HMM.

I'M EXHAUSTED, I'M BEHIND ON ALL MY HOMEWORK,

AND I THINK THIS POLYESTER UNIFORM

IS GIVING ME A BODY RASH.

OH, OH, UM, I SWEPT THE DRIVEWAY FOR YOU.

OH! OH, MOM, I'M SORRY. I FORGOT.

THAT'S OK. YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE, I'LL DO THIS.

YOU SIT DOWN,

AND YOU EAT YOUR SOUP.

YOU KNOW, UM,

ERIC, IF YOU WANT TO QUIT,

YOUR FATHER AND I WILL COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

DID DAD TELL YOU THAT?

WELL, YOU LEAVE YOUR FATHER TO ME.

YOU JUST WORRY ABOUT YOU.

HEY, FORMAN, WHO SAID YOU WERE ON BREAK?

I DID.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

I'M HIS MOTHER.

GOOD ENOUGH THEN.

MICHAEL, SIT. WE NEED TO TALK.

WHOA. HA HA.

AHOY, JACKIE. WELCOME ABOARD THE U.S.S. KELSO.

HA HA HA.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I'M BEGINNING TO THINK

YOU'RE A REAL SCREWUP.

YOU SEE, ONE DAY, I WANT A HOUSE AND KIDS

AND MAYBE A CHANDELIER.

AND IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ME THOSE THINGS, MICHAEL,

THEN THIS IS ALL A BIG WASTE OF TIME.

YOU JUST GOTTA TRY HARDER.

WAIT. MICHAEL, SOMETHING FEELS WET.

Michael, thinking: "DEAR PENTHOUSE..."

NO, NO! YOU POPPED THE WATERBED!

IT MUST HAVE BEEN MY ROACH CLIP.

WELL, JACKIE, MAYBE THEY WON'T NOTICE.

I AM IN LOVE WITH A DOOFUS.

HEY.

DONNA?

OH, UH, WELCOME TO FATSO BURGER. HOW... AH, SCREW IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I WAS BORED. AHEM.

REALLY? YOU LEFT YOUR OWN PARTY TO COME SEE ME?

IT'S NOT MUCH OF A PARTY WITHOUT YOU THERE.

YOU'RE SO QUEER.

SHUT UP!

UM...

ERIC, THE WHOLE REASON I TOLD YOU MY PARENTS WERE GOING AWAY

IS SO WE COULD HANG...

TOGETHER,

YOU KNOW, ALONE.

YEAH.

I KNOW, IT'S JUST, UH...

SO, UM...

LOOK, DONNA, I'M SORRY.

OK, I WOULD LOVE TO COME OVER,

BUT THIS IS MY JOB.

AND, UH, WORK ISN'T FUN, YOU KNOW?

IT'S WORK.

AND ONLY QUITTERS QUIT.

WELL, AS LONG AS YOU KNOW WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

I'LL, UM, SEE YOU AROUND.

OW!

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, KELSO, WE'RE OUT OF BEER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORMAN'S OLD MAN'S GOT A FRIDGE

IN THE GARAGE, AND I KNOW HE'S GOT BEER IN IT.

[CRASH]

AAH! AAH!

IT WAS HIS IDEA!

REMIND ME TO KICK YOUR ASS.

UH, HEY, RED.

UM, UH,

IS FORMAN AROUND?

WELL, HE SURE AS HELL IS NOT INSIDE THAT FRIDGE.

MR. PINCIOTTI, YOU'RE HOME.

GOOD.

UH, CAME BACK EARLY.

AH, MISS THE KIDS TOO MUCH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, UH, I WAS JUST COMING HOME FROM WORK,

AND I NOTICED THAT SOMEONE LEFT YOUR PORCH LIGHT ON.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THAT FROM YOUR HOUSE.

GOOD EYE.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, ERIC, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU.

I ASK YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR DONNA,

AND HERE YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

HANGING AROUND THE BACK DOOR DOING YOUR JOB.

YOU'RE A GOOD GUY, ERIC.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT YOU.

HA! GOTCHA!

HA HA HA HA HA! AH, GOOD NIGHT NOW.

OK, WELL, I WAS JUST GONNA...

YEAH, THERE YOU GO.

OK.

GOOD NIGHT, THEN.

Donna: GOOD NIGHT, ERIC.

DAD.

ERIC.

DAD, I'M QUITTING MY JOB.

YOU'RE QUITTING?

YEAH, I'M QUITTING.

I'M IRRESPONSIBLE, I'M A QUITTER,

AND I COULDN'T KILL A COW WITH A HAMMER.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

WELL, EVERYBODY QUITS THEIR FIRST JOB, ERIC.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

WHAT?

THAT'S IT?

I GOTTA SAY, DAD, I'M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED HERE.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T A MAN'S JOB ANYWAY.

RED.

WELL, COME ON, KITTY, IT WAS A HAIR NET,

NAMETAG, NOTHING KIND OF A JOB.

NOW, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

IT'S JUST AS WELL.

IT WAS CUTTING INTO YOUR CHORES ANYWAY.

YOU DID A HALF-ASSED JOB SWEEPING THE DRIVEWAY.

I THOUGHT HE DID A WONDERFUL JOB.

DIDN'T LOOK WONDERFUL TO ME.

OK, THEN...

SWEEP IT YOURSELF.

HEY, HEY, HEY, FORMAN,

WHERE'S THAT BIG FATSO SMILE?

RICKY, HOW'D YOU START WORKING AT FATSO BURGER?

OH, GREAT STORY. I WAS GONNA GO TO COLLEGE,

BUT THEN THEY MADE ME ASSISTANT MANAGER,

JUST THREW THE MONEY AT ME, SO I NEVER GOT TO GO.

BUT NOW I'M MY OWN BOSS.

WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE, I ANSWER TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.

OK, I QUIT NOW.

OH, YEAH, I CERTAINLY WOULD.

YEAH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE