Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

PUSH! PUSH!

COME ON, YOU GOTTA PUSH IT!

HOW MUCH LONGER?

10 SECONDS.

YOU GOTTA PUSH HARDER, OR IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

THIS IS SO STUPID.

IT'S NOT STUPID. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

I'M NOT. NOT GONNA LOVE IT.

OK. THAT'S TIME. STEP AWAY FROM THE DOOR.

AHH! OHH!

KELSO, YOU'RE A GENIUS.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S MAGIC.

OH, MY GOD. FINALLY.

I AM SO DEHYDRATED.

OH, HERE. PIGGLY WIGGLY DIET CREAM SODA.

I TOLD YOU MY TOP THREE CHOICES

WERE TAB, FRESCA, OR DIET RITE.

AGAIN, YOU GET PIGGLY WIGGLY DIET CREAM SODA.

THEN I'LL JUST HAVE WATER.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A HOSE IN THE BACKYARD.

I'VE NOTICED THAT THE POP SELECTION

HAS REALLY WENT DOWNHILL SINCE YOUR DAD GOT LAID OFF.

HE'S... NOT LAID OFF. HE'S JUST PART-TIME.

AND SHUT UP!

KIDS...

KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS...

THE PRESIDENT IS COMING.

WHAT PRESIDENT?

THE PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES, GERALD R. FORD...

THE 36th... 8th...

40th... I DON'T KNOW. HE'S THE PRESIDENT!

WHY WOULD FORD COME TO POINT PLACE?

BECAUSE WE ARE A WHISTLE STOP

ALONG HIS WISCONSIN CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

MY DAD ORGANIZED IT.

DEAR... THE NEXT TIME YOU KNOW A PRESIDENT IS COMING TO TOWN,

PLEASE GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE NOTICE.

I NEED TO VACUUM. ERIC, YOU TIDY UP THIS BASEMENT.

A PIE! I GOTTA MAKE A PIE!

WOW. THE PRESIDENT'S COMING.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO...

THAT DOOR THING AGAIN.

YEAH! YEAH!

♪ HANGIN' OUT ♪

♪ DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ THE SAME OLD THING ♪

♪ WE DID LAST WEEK ♪

♪ NOT A THING TO DO ♪

♪ BUT TALK TO YOU ♪

♪ WHOA, YEAH ♪♪

HELLO, WISCONSIN!

SO, HOW'S THE CAR?

REAL GOOD.

BY "REAL GOOD," YOU MEAN YOU ROTATED THOSE TIRES

LIKE I ASKED YOU TO?

DAD, DON'T THEY ROTATE EVERY TIME I DRIVE?

YOU BEING A SMART MOUTH?

YES.

AND I'M SORRY.

TUNA CASSEROLE AGAIN?

WELL, OK. HOW ABOUT WE DON'T PAY THE CAR INSURANCE,

AND WE'LL ALL HAVE STEAK?

ALL RIGHT.

HA HA HA!

WELL, JUST IMAGINE. PRESIDENT FORD IS COMING HERE.

HA HA!

UH, RED, WE NEED TO GET RID

OF THE OIL STAINS IN THE DRIVEWAY.

IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S COMING TO OUR HOUSE,

AND IF HE DID, I'D KICK HIM IN THE KEISTER.

OH, STOP IT. HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

YOU VOTED FOR GERALD FORD.

KITTY, NO ONE VOTED FOR GERALD FORD.

HA HA HA!

BUT HE STILL IS OUR PRESIDENT.

OH, THE BOY'S OLD ENOUGH TO HEAR THAT KIND OF TALK.

ERIC, SAY THAT YOUR JOB WAS SENT TO A PLANT IN...

GUADALA-WHO-THE-HELL-CARES.

NOW, ARE YOU GONNA VOTE FOR THE GUY THAT LET THAT HAPPEN?

RED, PRESIDENT FORD DIDN'T TAKE YOUR JOB.

HE TOOK NIXON'S.

ERIC... WE'RE WAITING.

UM... WELL... AHEM...

I BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE'S POLITICAL OPINION

IS VALID AND WORTH HEARING.

WELL, THAT'S... THAT'S PERFECT, ERIC.

USE THAT LINE WHEN YOU RUN FOR MISS AMERICA.

SETTLE DOWN AND WE'LL START THE ASSEMBLY.

NOW, CONCERNING THE CANNED GOODS DRIVE...

MOTOR OIL IS NOT A FOOD.

BOO! BOO!

I'M SORRY, IT'S NOT, AND ALL YOUR BOOING

ISN'T GONNA MAKE IT ONE.

NOW... AS YOU ALL KNOW,

PRESIDENT FORD WILL BE VISITING OUR FAIR CITY,

AND I KNOW THERE ARE SOME OF YOU NE'ER-DO-WELLS OUT THERE

THAT MIGHT BE PLANNING SOME SORT OF QUOTE/UNQUOTE

"SOCIAL STATEMENT-TYPE PROTEST."

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

WHO CARES IF FORD IS COMING?

IT'S BETTER THAN WHEN

THE OSCAR MEYER WEENIE-MOBILE DROVE THROUGH.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN STOP.

THEY JUST SLOWED DOWN

AND THREW A BUNCH OF HOT DOG WHISTLES AT US.

TWO GIRLS IN A PHALLIC R.V.,

DRIVING AROUND, HANDING OUT THINGS YOU BLOW...

[SIGHS] WHAT A GREAT COUNTRY.

SO LET ME TELL YOU ANOTHER THING, MR. OR MRS. PUNK.

PROTESTING ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING.

OH, SURE, YOU MIGHT SEE A CHANCE TO PROVE YOUR MANHOOD

OR SHOW YOU'RE COOL...

BUT THIS IS OUR PRESIDENT. OUR PRESIDENT, DARN IT!

SO NO SHENANIGANS, YOU HEAR ME?

IF THAT'S YOUR KIND OF ATTITUDE,

YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL GO HOME RIGHT NOW.

SO PRESIDENT FORD SHOULD BE ARRIVING AT NOON.

OH, MAN! DEVILED EGGS.

ARE... ARE THESE FOR ANYBODY?

HI, DADDY. HI, MR. PINCIOTTI.

HI. HI, KITTEN.

NOW LOOK, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ADULT STUFF HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR FRIEND HEAD UP TO YOUR ROOM?

NOW, THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF OUR PRESIDENTIAL RALLY

IS THE TOWNSPEOPLE "Q & A" SECTION.

JUST SO EVERYONE'S CLEAR,

THE "Q" STANDS FOR QUESTION.

THE "A" FOR ANSWER.

ALL YOURS, JACK.

THIS IS WHEN NORMAL FOLKS STEP UP TO THE MICROPHONE

AND ASK THE PRESIDENT QUESTIONS.

NOW, THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT PERSON.

YOU KNOW, A WORKING-CLASS GUY, YOUR AVERAGE JOE.

I GUESS SOMEONE YOU AND I WOULD CALL A LOSER.

SO OF COURSE, I THOUGHT OF YOU.

WE'D LIKE YOU TO ASK PRESIDENT FORD A QUESTION.

AHHH...

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

I SAY NO, THANK YOU,

AND I WANT MY CRESCENT WRENCH BACK.

I'LL DO IT.

NO, NO. YOU KEEP WORKING ON YOUR PIES, HEH HEH.

JUST IMAGINE, RED. YOU, THE LITTLE GUY,

GET TO HAVE YOUR OPINIONS HEARD

BY THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN AMERICA.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY.

TURN THAT LIGHT OFF!

SORRY.

LOOK, GUYS, WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING

THAT SAYS WE WILL NOT PAY HOMAGE

TO A CORRUPT ELECTORAL SYSTEM.

I KNOW. A BLOODY COUP!

THAT'S GOOD...

BUT WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING GREAT...

SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE OUR FOUNDING FATHERS

PROUD, MAN, YOU KNOW?

LET'S STREAK!

BINGO!

YEAH! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.

JUST RUN BUCK NAKED THROUGH A SEA OF PEOPLE.

BE FREE AND SHAKE IT AROUND.

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S IN?

WILL PEOPLE BE CHASING US

WITH TORCHES AND POINTY STICKS?

NO.

THEN I AM IN.

GREAT!

ERIC... ARE YOU IN?

OK, STREAKING. I'M...

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I'M COMPLETELY PRO-NUDITY...

BUT I THINK MY DAD MIGHT KILL ME,

AND I'M ANTI-BEING KILLED.

HEY, IF THERE WASN'T SOME HUGE DOWNSIDE

TO DOING SOMETHING THIS STUPID,

IT WOULDN'T BE WORTH DOING, YOU KNOW?

GOOD POINT.

OH! AND I COULD WRITE SOME REALLY GREAT SLOGAN

LIKE "I HATE THE FUZZ" ON MY ASS.

IF YOU HATE THE FUZZ ON YOUR ASS,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHAVE IT OFF?

PRETTY SNAZZY, EH?

LOOKING GOOD, DAD.

I GOT ONE FOR YOU, TOO.

WE'RE GONNA WEAR THEM TO MEET THE PRESIDENT.

NO. NO WAY.

HONEY, YOU'RE MISSING THE BIG PICTURE.

LEMME GO GET THE OTHER JUMPSUITS. YOU'LL SEE.

MOM, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

HONEY, THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS I DO

TO MAKE YOUR FATHER HAPPY THAT I DON'T REALLY LIKE.

MOM... EEUGHH!

OH, NO, NOT THAT. I LOVE THAT.

I MEANT LIKE FISHING.

SEE? WHEN WE STAND TOGETHER,

WE'RE THE AMERICAN FLAG.

I'M NOT WEARING A STRIPED JUMPSUIT.

OH, NO, HONEY.

YOU'RE THE FIELD OF BLUE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

BYE NOW.

BUT, DONNA, YOU'RE PART OF THE FAMILY.

OH, MY, THIS HURTS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

YELLO?

GOOD NEWS, BOB. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT,

AND I'VE DECIDED I WILL ASK FORD A QUESTION.

OH, JEEZ, RED. THIS IS GOOD NEWS...

AND I COULD SURE USE IT RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

YEAH, WELL... GLAD I COULD HELP.

OH, I'M GONNA ASK HIM A QUESTION, ALL RIGHT,

AND IT'S GONNA BE A DAMN GOOD ONE.

RED...

NOW, DON'T WORRY.

I'M SIMPLY GONNA ASK HIM

HOW THE HELL HE'S GONNA FIX THIS ECONOMY.

OH, HONEY, HE WOULDN'T KNOW THAT.

HE'S THE PRESIDENT.

ALL THIS FOOD FOR 45 CENTS.

IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

OH, I SEE.

SO, FORMAN...

THE RALLY'S TONIGHT, MAN.

WHAT'S YOUR DECISION?

YEAH. ARE YOU GONNA STREAK OR NOT?

DON'T PRESSURE HIM.

NO. I'VE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING, AND... I'M IN.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS.

A BUNCH OF NAKED IDIOTS.

THANKS, KELSO.

IT CAN'T GO BEYOND THIS TABLE.

IF MY FATHER FINDS OUT WHAT WE'VE PLANNED,

HE WILL NAIL ME TO THE WALL.

WHY ARE YOU ALL SITTING ON ONE SIDE OF THE TABLE, HUH?

OK, NOW. MAKE WAY FOR MY PRESIDENTIAL PIES.

SEE? CHERRY, MOCK APPLE, BLUEBERRY.

SEE THAT? RED, WHITE, AND BLUE.

IT'S LIKE THE BEGINNING TO LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE IN PIE!

LOOK. LOOKIT. SEE, HONEY?

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING.

YEAH, PIE.

HERE, DAD. MR. PINCIOTTI WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S YOUR QUESTION FOR PRESIDENT FORD.

BUT I'M WORKING ON MY QUESTION FOR PRESIDENT FORD.

RIGHT. WELL, THIS IS THE ONE THE COMMITTEE MADE UP FOR YOU.

"WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR FAVORITE PARADE?"

THIS IS ASININE.

MACY'S?

NO CONTEST.

RIGHT.

CAN I BORROW YOUR TRENCH COAT?

I CAN ASK THE PRESIDENT ANY DAMN THING I WANT.

IT'S MY RIGHT.

I'M NOT GONNA BE A PUPPET FOR BOB'S COMMITTEE.

RIGHT. I'LL TAKE REAL GOOD CARE OF IT,

AND I'LL BRING IT BACK AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN.

HONEY, JUST TAKE THE COAT AND LEAVE.

NO. ERIC, A MAN HAS TO STAND UP AND BE HEARD.

I WILL NOT SIT QUIETLY BY

WHILE EVERYTHING IS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.

THEY TOOK MY JOB... MY STABILITY...

AND NOW THEY WANNA TAKE AWAY MY RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH.

YOU STILL HAVE THE TOYOTA.

IT GETS GREAT MILEAGE.

WHERE'S THE AMERICA THAT I KNEW AS A BOY?

WHERE?

YOU TELL ME, DEAR GOD... WHERE?

OK, I REALLY HATE BEING IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.

OK. WHEN THE PRESIDENT STARTS HIS SPEECH HERE,

I'LL BLOW MY OSCAR MEYER WHISTLE, AND WE GO.

DID YOU WRITE "I HATE THE FUZZ" ON YOUR BUTT?

YEAH. DONNA, HERE'S YOUR LIPSTICK BACK.

KEEP IT.

YOU GOT THE MASKS?

YEAH. I GOT THREE SNOOPYS AND ONE NIXON.

NOT IT! NOT IT! NOT IT!

DAMN!

FEZ, HOW'D YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?

MY COUNTRY INVENTED "NOT IT."

SO, CAN WE GO ALREADY?

I'M ITCHIN' TO RELEASE THE HOUND HERE.

IT'S GO TIME.

OH, WELL, NOW LOOK AT YOU GUYS.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU YOUNG PEOPLE AND COLUMBO?

BYE.

AREN'T YOU GOING, DONNA?

NO. MY DAD'S GONNA MAKE ME WEAR

THIS REALLY QUEER JUMPSUIT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.

IT'S JUST TOO EMBARRASSING.

YOU KNOW, DONNA,

MY GRANDMOTHER CAME FROM SWEDEN,

AND SHE HAD THIS THICK, THICK ACCENT,

AND IT EMBARRASSED ME TO NO END.

WELL, I ASKED HER NOT TO COME TO MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT MY FRIENDS TO HEAR HER TALK,

AND SHE DIDN'T COME.

SIXTEEN YEARS LATER, SHE GOT THE GOUT AND DIED.

YOU SEE?

NO.

ALL FAMILIES ARE EMBARRASSING.

AND IF THEY'RE NOT EMBARRASSING, THEN THEY'RE DEAD.

ALL RIGHT, TRY AND BLEND IN, HUH?

I COULDN'T LEAVE YOU SITTING ALONE LIKE THAT,

SO I CAME OVER, AND HERE YOU ARE.

HEY, ARE YOU HITTING ON MY GIRLFRIEND?

MICHAEL, HE'S NOT...

HEY, MAN! ALL RIGHT, YOU WANNA GO?

YEAH, LET'S GO!

YOU ARE SO LUCKY I'M NAKED, PAL!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A BLUE FIELD OF STARS THERE.

OH, HONEY!

[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]

NOW, IF WE JUST START TO SWAY BACK AND FORTH,

IT'LL LOOK LIKE THE FLAG IS WAVING IN THE WIND.

OH, GOD.

[LOUDER APPLAUSE]

HEY, THERE'S ANOTHER GUY IN A TRENCH COAT.

I BET HE'S A STREAKER, TOO.

NO, FEZ. HE'S WITH SECRET SERVICE.

HOW ABOUT THAT MAN?

YEAH, SECRET SERVICE.

AND THAT MAN?

YEAH. YEAH.

AND THAT MAN WITH THE DOG?

LYEAH...

OH, THE DOG IS LOOKING AT US.

COME HERE, BOY.

NO, FEZ.

OHH! MAN, I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH OUR TRENCH COATS?

I MEAN, AFTER WE RIP 'EM OFF,

WE CAN'T COME BACK HERE AND GET THEM.

OH, SHUCKS! OHH!

GOD, THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL HOLD THE COATS. YOU GUYS STREAK.

THANKS. THANKS...

I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING, TOO.

WE'RE... NAKED...

AND THERE'S A LOT OF DOGS HERE.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST SIT DOWN.

ME, TOO.

ME, TOO. OK.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

GERALD R. FORD!

YAY! HOORAY! YAY!

OOH! [GASPS] [THUD]

YAY! HOORAY!

[THUD] OOH! [GASPS]

YAY! HOORAY!

[THUD] OH! OOH!

YAY! YAY! HOORAY!

HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HIDING OVER... OK.

BACK OFF.

I AM A FLAG.

ARE YOU GONNA STREAK?

NO. WE TOOK A VOTE, AND IT'S UNANIMOUS.

WE'RE ALL VERY CHICKEN.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE SEEN YOU NAKED.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME NAKED.

A GAZILLION TIMES.

WE WERE KIDS,

AND YOU WERE ALWAYS RUNNING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD NAKED

SCREAMING "WEE WEE! PEE PEE!"

IT WAS FUNNY.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE Q&A PORTION OF OUR PROGRAM.

FIRST UP, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE RED FORMAN.

RED IS THE FATHER OF TWO WONDERFUL CHILDREN,

AND HOW HE'S MANAGED TO KEEP THEM CLOTHED

AND FED WHILE BEING CUT BACK TO HALF-TIME AT THE PLANT

IS BEYOND ME.

BUT HE DOESN'T BLAME THE PRESIDENT FOR HIS MISFORTUNE.

NO, SIR. HE ONLY BLAMES HIMSELF.

I GIVE YOU RED FORMAN.

UM...

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

AHEM.

MR., UH, PRESIDENT...

AHEM.

I, UH...

[IN SLOW MOTION] COME ON, RED.

YOUR DAD IS BOMBING.

WEE WEE!

PEE PEE!

WEE WEE!

PEE PEE!

AAH!

HEY, GERRY.

HERE'S MY QUESTION.

HOW THE HELL COULD YOU PARDON NIXON?

HEY, SON.

HI, DAD.

HEY, UM, GOOD JOB AT THE RALLY TODAY.

NOT BAD.

I KINDA STUMBLED THERE AT THE START, BUT, UH...

I THINK I NAILED HIM WITH A GOOD ONE.

WELL, ANYWAY, IT WAS...

IT WAS PRETTY COOL.

YEAH, WELL...

SOMETIMES A MAN'S GOTTA DO...

WHAT HE THINKS IS RIGHT.

YEAH. I'M GONNA CALL IT A NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, SON.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, DAD.

OH, AND, UH...

NEXT TIME, DON'T WEAR BLACK SOCKS.

YOU LOOKED LIKE AN ASS.

HOW COULD THEY NOT CATCH YOU?

I GUESS NO ONE WANTS TO TACKLE A NAKED GUY.

SO TRUE.

HEY, YOU DIDN'T, UH...

YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, DID YOU?

NO.

WELL...

MAYBE JUST A BIT,

BUT NOT... NOT THE BIT.

WAIT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN "BIT"?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY CARSEY-WERNER PRODUCTIONS AND FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE