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In 1975, a team of Canadian scientists

investigating the biological implications of single living

conducted experiments with laboratory rats.

Fifty single rats were kept in isolation

and denied any meaningful contact with the opposite sex.

They also were regularly fed a daily dose

of the artificial sweetener saccharin.

They were dressed in tight fitting

double-net polyester suits

and forced to listen to disco music at high volumes.

♪ I work for a living ♪

♪ I have big big fun whenever I can ♪

♪ Don't you understand ♪

♪ I work ♪

♪ For a living ♪

♪ I have a real good time.. ♪♪

Fifty other rats, each coupled with a mate of the opposite sex

were kept in laboratory conditions

simulating marriage.

They were also fed the same daily dosage of saccharin.

After six months, the Canadian government

ceased funding these experiments

on the grounds that they were, in the words

of minister of health, "stupid."

- 'Where did you get this?' - 'Hey, Allan, shh.'

The lab was forced to shut down

and was eventually converted by its owner

into a homosexual bathhouse.

Most of the scientists were laid off.

The rest indicted by a Canadian grand jury

for criminal fraud.

The rats in both research groups

were sold to a second hand pet shop in Toronto

specializing in the domestic resale of laboratory animals.

We will never know how these experiments

would have turned out.

We will never even know what their point was.

But even as they go to trial

these Canadian researchers have raised

a provocative question.

"Is single living a viable alternative

in a couple society?"

'Is any of this news stuff here true?'

'Allan, this is the documentary of the future. Total lies.'

Hello, I'm Brian Reed.

Welcome to the premiere of "Manhattan Report."

Tonight, we begin our investigation

into New York's single scene as we ask the question

what do these people really want anyway?

Ta-da!

Ta-da? Brian, what did you do to my show?

Oh, Allan, please don't thank me.

I-I-I don't want you to t-think of what I've done a-as charity.

I want you to think of it as...a gift.

- Oh. - Happy wedding day, Allan.

Happy wedding day.

Whoo! Whoo! What a day! Whoo!

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Whoo!

Yeah, whoo!

- Brian. - Yeah.

Yeah, look at the hogans on this chickadee.

Now this is documentary material.

- Allan, what's wrong? - Nothing, I'm perfectly fine..

Oh, come on, you're not worried about this documentary, are you?

Look, this is cable TV.

Channel 39.

Your audience has lower standards.

I know. He told me.

H-hey, where are you going? Where are you going, Allan?

- I don't know. - A-Allan..

Allan, it's 3 o'clock.

'We've only got five hours.'

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo-whoo! Whoo hoo-hoo!

Okay, you don't-don't touch

d-don't touch that machine, okay.

'He-hey, Allan.'

Don't go and do anything weird.

'Allan, five hours, 8:00 p.m.'

'It's your wedding.'

♪ Soup for one ♪

♪ When you're on the run ♪

♪ When you're by yourself ♪

♪ Minus someone else ♪

♪ Soup for one ♪

♪ When the evening comes ♪

♪ When you're all alone ♪

♪ In your empty home ♪

♪ You have that look in your eye ♪

♪ Just wanted you to be mine girl ♪

♪ To bathe you in the moonlight hmm ♪

♪ And love you with all my might ♪

My wedding day.

I don't believe it.

I don't know, I just seem to be very confused.

We're all confused.

If you weren't confused, you wouldn't be human.

- Look, maybe I.. - Why should I be confused?

It's not as if this girl is second best

she's my dream girl.

And I spent the past three months

begging her to be my bride.

So what's the problem?

Problem is she finally said yes.

You think she's trying to smother me?

'Oh, I have no opinion.'

I guess you wanna know where this whole thing began.

'Mm, that's not really necessary.'

Well, who knows where these things begin

but what it was was a yearning

to find the right girl, settle down

have a home, raise a family.

As those yearnings grew, I began to feel

more and more alienated from my surroundings.

Alienation is very common in this day and age.

My social life had become

a circuit of singles bars and nightclubs.

I hated them, but I kept on coming.

Night after night, week after week..

...year after year.

♪ 'Cause you're my ♪

♪ Dream girl ♪

♪ I always knew ♪

♪ That you ♪

♪ Could make my ♪

♪ Dreams come true ♪

♪ I dream that ♪

♪ Of love yeah ♪

♪ With you yeah ♪

♪ I dream yeah ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ See I dream now ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ Of love ♪♪

Well, this whole nightlife routine was really

starting to depress me.

'I know what you mean. Life can be tough.'

I mean, it's not that I have anything

against casual sex with beautiful women.

But I had actually gotten to the point

where every woman I met suddenly began

to look and sound alike.

Excuse me.

You come here often?

Me? No, I hate these bars.

Oh, me too. People are so phoney.

Really, it's so hard to relate.

Yeah. What do you do?

I'm a key punch operator.

Key punch operator? That's great.

I was also a dancer, but that was for an ancient Pharaoh

in a previous lifetime.

Previous lifetime.

You know, for some reason

I really feel I can talk to you.

Me? Why is that?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because you're so..

...mm, different.

- Really? - Really.

How am I different?

I don't know. You just seem like a real person.

Well, I think it's very important to be different.

You know, most girls I meet in bars are so cheap.

But you, you're so bright.

Oh, well, I have to be able to talk with a guy, you know.

Oh, talking is so important.

I mean, sure, you can have just a physical relationship

but for me, that's so meaningless.

Exactly.

The physical act of sex is just meaningless.

It doesn't mean a thing. There's absolutely no meaning.

And to a guy like me, that has so important meaning

it's what gives relationships depth.

Oh, depthis so important to a person like me.

I'm always looking for it.

Are you kidding? Depthis my middle name.

I mean, it is my favorite thing in the world, "Depth."

I can't relate withoutdepth.

Yeah, yeah. And who can blame you? Who can blame you?

Without depth, a relationship is so shallow.

Shallow relationships are, are meaningless.

You know, as far as I'm concerned

meaningless relationships are-are-are worthless

no matter how deep they are.

Oh, that is sobeautiful.

Whenever you're ready, just stick it in.

It was a sickening lifestyle.

What made me realize is th-this documentary

I've been producing about the singles scene.

You see, I write news and documentaries

for an underground cable TV station

where my friend, Brian.. I told you about Brian.

He's the anchorman.

Welcome to the 12 o'clock edition

of WPCP's evening news.

He is your anchorperson

slick, slide, slammy-oaky from the stokey

big, a-bad a-Brian.

Full of fluid and ready to do it, Reed!

Now get out of here. Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Good evening and from the East Village

to 125th street

here's what's going down tonight.

'Shit.'

Alright, Allan, so the stations aren't exactly CBS?

Not exactly CBS?

Brian, you realize half-hour crews

on a prison work credit program?

- Half. - Yeah.

They get time off their sentences for doing our show.

- It's a little embarrassing. - I didn't realize it was half.

I should be doing something important, Brian.

I should be writing my book.

Oh, Allan, don't tell me you're still threatening

to write that dumb history book.

It just so happens that the field is wide open

for a new look at the Civil War.

It could be a very timely book.

It could be a very boring book.

Allan, the Civil War is yesterday's news.

Yesterday's news is called history, Brian.

- That's what it is called. - History. History.

You need a change of pace, buddy.

- Take a look at this. - What is this?

A brochure on a singles weekend at the Concord Hotel.

- Then you'll come. - No, Brian, I won't come.

Good, I got the station to pay for it as research

for your documentary on single persons.

Oh, terrific, I'll be the only guy at the hotel pharmacy

buying rubbers and asking for a receipt.

Exactly.

It'll be great. We'll shoot it.

Wait a minute, since when are you so horny?

You happen to be living with an incredibly beautiful woman.

Oh, Allan, it's all over

and, uh, I'm in the same boat as you now, single.

Grateful for anything I can get.

Excuse me. Hi.

Have you got a lighter?

Thanks.

How about a drink?

Ernie, drink for the lady.

You and Karen, over.

God, it's been since college. What happened?

I thought you guys were in love.

Do you believe in reincarnation--

Well, that's the strange part..

I know you from someplace.

We are in love.

I-it's very weird and--

I don't understand, Brian, if you're in love

then why did you break up?

Hey, are you two guys together?

Well, I didn't say we broke up.

I mean, breaking up is such an old fashion concept.

You are together, I'm sure of it.

Jesus, Brian, you want everything.

If I could only find a girl like Karen..

...I'd never let her go.

Another thing, I'd marry her in two seconds.

Oh, wow.

Maybe I don't wanna get married.

- I know. - Huh?

Why do you keep bringing it up

like i-it's this inevitable fact of life?

- Really. - Oh, because it is.

- Brian, everybody gets married. - Oh, I've been there.

It's just a question of finding the right girl.

It's like what I always say

"Relationships are like a bank account." You know.

"You can only take out what you put in.

"And if you're lucky

you get a little interest."

You know what I mean?

Hold on, honey, we'll get a cab.

What time is that staff meeting?

11 o'clock. And do not be late.

They're gonna cut a showman, we're gonna have to fight.

- Alright? - Don't worry.

- Don't be late. - I'll be there.

- Alright. - I'll be there.

Buddy, huh?

Oh, Jesus H. Christ!

Are you guys homo?

Let's go.

I swear I know you from some place.

Brian could keep his one night stands.

I was looking for my dream girl.

It was always like this with me

even back in college.

Well...good night.

Uh, don't you wanna come upstairs?

My roommate's gone away for the weekend.

Oh, your roommate's gone.

Well, you wanna take advantage of this time probably

to write some letters and clean up your room and stuff

so I think I'll-I'll..

- Uh, Allan. - Yeah.

I'm all caught up with my letter writing.

You wanna come upstairs or not?

Yeah. Okay, sure.

I can help you clean up your room.

- Come on. - Ow.

- Come on. - Ow. Ow. Okay.

- You're perfectly ready? - Uh-huh.

- For you. Hurry up. - Yes.

Um..

Linda, there's something I..

...I just have to tell you.

You're not my dream girl.

- What? - I know, I know it hurts.

And I think you're very lovely.

I really like you.

But I just don't think that there's any way

that I can possibly ever marry you.

I don't wanna get married.

Why you're even bringing up marriage?

Okay, I will hurry. Okay. Okay.

Uh, just o-one minute.

- 'Allan.' - 'Linda.'

- 'Allan.' - 'Linda.'

- 'Allan.' - 'Linda. Linda.'

- 'Allan!' - 'Linda.'

- 'Linda, Linda. - 'Allan, what's that?'

- 'Linda.' - 'Dripping.'

'Something's dripping.'

'I'm not, I'm not dripping.'

'A-Allan, it's blood.'

'You're bleeding.'

'Oh, God!'

Oh, God, I've got a nosebleed.

Jesus. Allan, my sheets. You're gonna stain my sheets.

Oh, I'll reimburse you for the sheets.

- Do you have a Kleenex? - On the dresser.

- God, Jesus, Allan. - Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm probably the only man in the history of sex

who ever bled when he lost his virginity.

In the intervening years, the sex has become a little easier

but the search for my dream girl became harder than ever.

It was clear that I needed some professional help.

That night, I realized just where I could get it.

'I'd like to report a missing person.'

Fill these out.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Got no pictures of her?

She's an Australian aborigine.

I mean, you ever try and get an Australian aborigine

to sit still for a portrait? It's impossible.

Concept of, you know, soul in the box

I can, however, describe her in great detail.

And her hair is shoulder length

and it's very silky and it's the color of..

You know, that time of twilight

just before the sun sets--

- Would that be brown? - Brown, yeah.

I love it, this is very helpful.

And her mouth is large and..

...sensuous.

- Nose? - Nose.

Oh, I don't care about her nose, you can decide.

- I can decide? - Yeah.

Her complexion is-is, uh, very, very fair.

It sort of glows, you know, it's very smooth.

- 'And she's sweet.' - 'Is this her?'

Yes.

Oh, God, yes, that's..

This is really her.

'I've got to find her.'

'Good evening, I'm Brian Reed.'

Welcome to tonight's edition of "Manhattan Report"

as we begin our investigation into the world of single living.

'Uh, sorry there. I'm really ripped.'

'I'm sitting here with Miss Louise Farr.'

Up until a year ago, Miss Louise Farr

was Mr. Louis Farr, a ten-year veteran of the NYPD

and, like myself, an eligible bachelor.

Miss Farr, I'll come straight to the point.

You have the experienced the male orgasm

you have experienced the female orgasm.

Which is better?

Neither is better, they both suck.

I think I really blew this one, Brian.

I mean, talk about the bucks.

I mean, the operation was over a year ago

and I'm still making payments on my tits.

Allan, it's great.

'It could be your opening. Come on, let's eat.'

No, you go eat. I'm not hungry, really.

Allan, what is it?

I just can't stop thinking about her, Brian.

Who is she? Will I ever find her?

Now listen, Allan, I met a girl.

She is just your type.

My type? Brian, please.

Come on, the last girl you fixed me up with

turned out to be an ex-junkie from Queens

who had herself surgically altered

to resemble Janis Joplin.

So you don't go in for these show business types.

Trust me, she could be

your dreamgirl.

'Waiter!'

'I've heard very good things about that restaurant.'

'It got three stars in the "Daily News."'

'It's supposed to be one of the four top'

'Vietnamese restaurants in New York.'

- 'Do you like Oriental food?' - I do.

'Me too. I love it.'

'I stuff myself like a pig and then drink liquids for a week.'

'It's very good also if you're vegetarian, which I'm not.'

'But some of my girlfriends are.'

Although they don't think twice about

wearing leather belts and shoes.

- Have you decided yet? - Uh, I-I--

You know, you're nothing, nothing like Brian said.

He described you as being very talkative

and an outgoing person.

I don't know, to me, you seem very shy, kind of withdrawn.

'Almost like those small kids who have that learning problem.'

'What is that called, they sit'

'in the corner all day, you know?'

But, no, I like that about you.

It means that you're sensitive.

Um, I wonder if you would just excuse me for just one second.

Why? Where are you going?

Oh, I'm gonna make a telephone call

and...I'll be right back.

Waiter!

'Uh, while the gentleman is gone'

just bring me a side of smoked herring

and some crackers.

Are you writing this down?

'And make sure the herring is fresh.'

Soup for one.

The story my life.

Hello.

Brian, hi. No, I'm just making lunch.

Nothing like a hot ounce of soup on a cold day. Right?

Brian, I'm not going to a singles weekend

at the Concord Hotel.

Is that clear?

End of discussion.

Name please.

Brian Reed.

Allan Martin, we're supposed to be together.

You actually used my real name. God.

That will be room..

...F269, the east tower.

Thank you.

Oh, say, don't forget

theluauis at 8 o'clock sharp. Heh-heh.

Here that, Allan? Singles luau tonight.

Well, singles luau is terrific.

Listen, Brian, I really enjoyed the trip up

and I had a great time carrying your bags

into the lobby and everything.

Let me leave now while the memory of all the fun

I've had is still fresh in my mind.

- Aloha,sweetheart. - 'Tennis rackets over here.'

♪ Aloha ♪

♪ Aloha.. ♪♪

Well..

It isn't so bad, is it?

No, best luau of the season.

Yeah.

- One thing, Brian. - Uh-huh.

Uh, aren't they supposed to be roasting a pig?

- Pig? - Yeah.

- In the Catskills? - Oh, God.

- I'm at a kosher luau? - Yeah.

- 'Brian.' - 'Yeah.'

'Please tell me that that's not a real cow.'

'Oh, I think that's a real cow, Allan.'

'Brian, take me home.'

Look, I think it's time for us to split up

and, uh, circulate.

How do I look?

You look like an asshole in a jogging suit.

Thanks

- Remember the signals. - Yeah.

Hi, cutie.

Dental hygiene..

You know, I think that's a vastly underrated profession.

- Let me tell you. - Yeah.

- I truly believe.. - Uh-huh

...if more people paid attention to their teeth.

- Yeah. - If they flossed regularly

and watched between meal snacks

then we'd have a lot less wars and hatred in this world.

You know, you keep talking that way, they're gonna make you

secretary of state.

- Oh! - Heh-heh.

- You little fox. - Oh!

Brian.

Locked out, huh?

Yeah, my friend got lucky.

Oh.

My girlfriend brought back the entire horn section

of the dance band.

She's got appetites.

Hope she doesn't gain any weight.

I know, she's very fat.

Uh-huh.

I'm supposed to take a walk.

So we took a walk. I figured, what the hell.

'Is this the woman you're gonna marry?'

My dream girl? No.

I'll get to her in a minute.

I made a mistake of asking her

"So what brings you to the Concord?"

She went into a little more detail than I'd intended.

You know, when I was in the third grade, nobody liked me.

Boys didn't like me in the forth grade.

By the time I got to the fifth grade, I was very bitter.

Very, very bitter.

A bitter, bitter person.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

- Uh, you were bitter. - In a word, yes.

I was bitter.

Naturally, all the girls hated me.

Well, for my hair of course.

For-for your hair?

Thank you.

You know, you're different.

Really.

Most of the guys I meet up here are so shallow.

But I knew the moment that I saw you

that you were a person that I could really talk at.

- You know what I mean? - I think I do.

I mean, I really don't know why I'm here, you know.

My girlfriend dragged me here.

I really can't relate to these singles things, can you?

I'm having a very difficult time.

- It's a problem for-- - 'Why talk about all this?'

Take me.

Huh?

You animal, all night long, you've been plotting, scheming

just wondering when is the right moment to strike.

- Uh, I have? - Yes, you wild beast.

And now, the moment has arrived.

Seize it.

Oh!

She was no different.

She didn't care about finding out who I was.

To her, I was just another notch on her diaphragm.

Another story for her woman's consciousness raising groups.

- Faster, faster. - Oh, yeah. Okay.

- No slower, slower. - What? Faster or slower?

- Raise your hands. - The hands are raised.

- No, your other hand. - What, this hand?

- Higher - Higher, I can't..

- Lower. - Lower.

- Faster. - Like this?

Oh, almost. Oh.

What are you doing? Ow, you're hurting me.

Come in at a 38 degree angle

and very slowly rotate.

Rotate? Did you say rotate?

- Fulfill me! - I'm trying. It's not easy.

Oh, do you know where my clitoris is? I can give you--

It's alright. I know my way around.

I only just found out where it was last week.

- Last week, your clitoris? - Yes.

I used to have to fake orgasms during masturbation.

How do I get myself into these situations.

Was sex always like this?

Where did it all begin?

My life with women.

'Come on, Allan. Faster. Hurry up.'

'Rhonda, I don't know.'

'My mom is gonna be home any minute.'

Chicken, come on.

Oh, my God.

'Allan Robert Martin, what are you doing in here?'

Uh, oh, mom, hi, this is Rhonda. Rhonda, this is mom--

Young man, just you wait until your father gets home.

Allan, I was young once.

I know that boys of your age are tempted to take

young ladies into closets and examine them.

But it is wrong.

Now, do you know why it's wrong, Allan?

Because I don't love her.

No, because you're not married to her.

Do you understand?

If you want to do that with Rhonda

you will have to wait until you're older

and the two of you are married.

Then, if you still want to examine Rhonda

in your mother's closet

well, you'll have our permission.

'Do you understand, Allan?'

I understand.

Oh, that's good! Oh! Oh, God, that's good.

I-I'm-I'm not doing anything.

Wait, Allan, listen very carefully.

- When I count to three.. - Yeah.

- ...I want you to roll over.. - Roll over.

...and wrap your left leg around my neck.

- What? - Oh, trust me it's great.

- Ready? - W-w-wait.

- One.. - Uh, can I, can I talk?

- ...two.. - Uh, something I'd like to say.

- ...three! - No.

- Oh. Ouch. - Oh.

- Oh, my God. Oh, God. - Wait a minute.

- Oh, daddy, oh, daddy. - I can't move my foot.

- My foot.. Oh. - Oh! Oh, God.

Oh, you're good.

- Oh, my God! - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Brian, open the goddamn door.

- 'Who is it?' - 'Oh!'

Brian, please!

Please, open the door.

Allan, what are you doing here?

I thought we had a plan.

To hell with the plan, I have been raped!

Uh, Allan, what is this sign?

Let me in! Brian, let me in.

- The sign says.. - Let me in, Brian.

- What does the sign-- - Brian.

- Not now, Allan, not now. - I'm coming in.

- Oh! - For Christ sake, it was awful.

It was just so awful, Brian.

Brian, can you talk?

Uh, uh, in-in the morning, Allan.

I can talk in the morning.

Oh, Brian, what's happened to sex?

I can explain all this.

Remember it used to be so, so new

and it was so exciting.

- It was warm. - It's tough.

- It was tender. - We were young.

- Oh, God, it was so.. - Sweet, sweet.

- It was so.. - So, so..

- It was so wonderful. - So wonderful.

- It was wonderful. - It was wonderful.

And now, Brian, now, it is a freak show.

Freak show, that's right.

It is a fucking freak show!

Thirty eight degree angles, rotate!

What is that, Brian? Talk to me.

I don't.. I can't imagine what's gotten into people.

- I don't understand if I.. - It's crazy, it's--

Brian, what's the matter with everybody?

Uh, inflation.

- No, Brian. - Rising cost of living.

You got to tell me. You tell me, you tell me.

- No, no, no, no, no. - I've got to know.

People are fucked..

Brian, I have got to know, is it me? Is it me?

- No! - It's got to be me.

- No! - I am crazy, Brian.

- No, crazy, you? - I've got to be..

- Crazy, you? No! - Am I fucking crazy?

- No, no, no, no! - Am I fucking crazy?

No. You're.. You know what you are?

- What? - You're-you're.. I know.

- I know. You're, you're.. - What?

- You're, you're.. - What? What?

- You're upset. And-and.. - Oh, God, I'm so upset.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are, you're upset.

And we should talk... in the morning.

- Brian, where's the innocence. - Gone.

- Where's the joy? - Out the window.

...human decency.

- You've earned it. - Is that too much to ask?

- You deserve it. - I know.

- Now, Allan? - Yeah.

Please..

- Was that your friend? - Yeah.

What a freaky guy.

I know, he's, uh..

He's got some problems.

Where the hell have you been?

I've been lookin' all over for you.

- Was she tied up? - Who?

- Was who tied up? - The girl

that was on your bed last night.

- Did you tie her up? - No.

Yes...kind of.

In a way.

Uh, but she asked me to, Allan. It wasn't my idea.

You're a sick person, Brian.

You break up with a terrific girl like Karen

so you can be free.

Free to come up to the Catskills and tie up Jewish girls.

- Sick. Sick. - Allan, it was her idea.

- I swear. - Brian, look.

I'm really happy that you're having so much fun

but I'm running home screaming today.

Oh, now, Allan, you can't do that.

The weekend just started last night.

Brian, it's ridiculous. I don't fit in here.

You see, I have this problem.

- I'm a normal person. - Yeah.

Uh, just wait, Allan.

I've got something for you.

I wasn't sure whether or not

you were ready for this yet, but..

I think it's time.

- Mnh-mnh. - Yeah.

'I can't do it, Brian.'

'Allan, it's research.'

'Just act like one of them.'

So what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Wherever I am.

♪ Do you feel ♪

♪ Like you ever want ♪

♪ To try my love and see how well it fits ♪

♪ Baby can't you see.. ♪

What's a nice girl like you doin' in a place like this?

Actually, I came with my friend.

♪ I can't kick this feelin' when it hits ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ In my bed at night ♪

♪ I grab my pillow and squeeze it tight ♪

♪ I think of you and I dream of you all the time ♪

♪ What am I gonna do?

♪ I want your love.. ♪

Hey, what's a nice girl like you doin' in a place like this?

Yeah, you're not so bad yourself, big boy.

♪ I want your love I want.. ♪

'No, actually..'

♪ I want your love.. ♪

So, what's a nice girl like you

doing in a place like this?

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ Sometime don't you feel.. ♪

Hey, babe.

I said, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Fuck off.

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪

♪ I want your love ♪♪

What is this? Where..

- Where did you get this? - Who are you

where did you come from, and how many children do you want?

Look, I don't know what kind of game this is

but knock it off, okay.

'I'm not part of your singles weekend.'

I came up to this, uh

idyllic mountain retreat for a friend's wedding.

So just leave me alone.

What makes you think that I'm part of the singles' weekend?

'Wild guess.'

Wait a minute. Who are you?

How can I get in touch with you?

You can't. Goodbye.

Oh, well, it's really simple, Dr. Wexler.

I found this diaphragm

which is obviously from your office

and I just want to make sure that it, uh

just gets back to the owner.

That's all. It's quite simple.

Well, it's no problem, I'll just..

...give it to my secretary, and she--

No, I'd like to personally give it back

to the, uh, young lady.

Why is that?

She hit my car. Hit and run. Destroyed the grill.

Insurance claims alone would be very difficult to handle.

- 'You can understand.' - And the diaphragm?

She left it on my windshield.

Guess she didn't have a paper and a pencil.

I don't understand.

You're very perceptive.

You can see right through.

They don't call you Dr. Wexler for nothing.

I'll tell you the truth, the woman is my wife.

- She's your wife? - My sister.

My foster sister.

- Okay, she saved my life. - Saved your life?

Oh, yeah, I was into drugs, alcohol.

You name it, I was into it, you know.

Premarital sex and..

You know, she saved me from-from--

- From yourself. - That's right, that's right.

In a way, I mean, so in-in other words

t-this woman saved your life--

Oh, she turned my whole life around.

- Turned your whole life around. - Completely around.

- And, uh, of course you wanna-- - I wanna, I wanna..

- To meet her, I wanna-- - And express your--

- Gratitude, personally. - Gratitude towards her.

That's right. Oh, it's so Christian of you to understand.

Thank you very much. So I'll just, uh..

You just give me her phone number

and, uh, I'll be gone.

I'll be outta here right out the door.

- Mr. Martin? - Yeah.

Uh, I think I can help you.

Oh, Dr. Wexler.

Now, I'm embarrassed. You're so kind.

And just tell her my name is Allan Martin and, uh..

I'll take it from there. Okay.

Hello, Batman? Dr. Wexler here.

'How's Robin? Good.'

Hi, I'm here for a 12:30 appointment with Dr. Wexler.

- Your name? - Maria Giannini.

- Maria. - Yes.

So..

...we meet again.

Who are you?

Don't you remember?

Concord Hotel?

We shared a cab.

Oh, no.

Mr. Polyester.

- 'What are you doing here?' - Me?

Oh, nothing. Just a checkup.

A checkup.

At a gynecologist's office.

Yes, it's a-a second opinion.

- Hmm. - 'Miss Giannini.'

I have you down for a fitting tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

I can't make it tomorrow. I have meetings all day.

Well, I'm sorry. The doctor's all booked up this week.

Um, Maria?

Do you have a fire escape?

I don't think you're going to be needing that appointment.

- 'How did you get that?' - Get what?

Oh, this. That's a long story.

- Are you hungry? - No, give it to me--

God, I'm starved. Do you like Italian food?

Boy, are you gonna love this story.

So..

The receptionist called you Miss Giannini.

I take that that means you're not married.

But you have a steady boyfriend.

M-maybe? You come from New York originally?

- 'Interesting.' - Look.

Are we through with lunch yet?

I really don't wanna keep you here

if you don't wanna be here.

So...so here.

Take it.

This way, I'll know if you stay

you're staying because you want to

not because I'm ...forcing you to.

This way, I'll feel more comfortable.

Better able to relate to you in-in a meaningful way.

'I know you're here because you'd like to get'

'to know me as a person.'

'Maybe even my name, which is Allan.'

It's such an extraordinary thing

that you've come into my life, I..

It's like, someone up there has actually

been listening to me.

I have..

...so much I wanna share with you.

I really don't know where to begin.

It's like this is where my loneliness...ends.

I just feel there's so much ahead for us

if we can just face this thing honestly..

...openly, together.

Taxi!

'So..'

Who gets the fettuccine mozzarella?

I'm a schmuck.

I should have kept it.

'Despite the much ballyhooed laughter and good times'

'there is a dark side to the singles lifestyle'

'that cuts across all social and economic lines.'

'It is a fact, that of the more than'

'one hundred thousand people'

'who committed suicide last year'

'over 87 percent of them were single.'

'In addition, single people statistically suffer'

'higher instances of heart disease'

'higher blood pressure strokes, ulcers'

'anxiety, depression, alcoholism'

'schizophrenia, drug addiction'

'and various other mental and physical disorders.'

Hello? Brian, hi.

Yeah, I'm just showing the stuff to Chief Running Brook.

Yeah. Oh, no, no. He's.. The man is speechless, Brian.

Yeah, no, it's great stuff. And-and, Brian..

W-who is that giggling?

What? I-I can't hear you.

What is that, what is that splashing?

Uh, Brian? Brian, you're supposed to be here.

We're supposed to be editing the stuff down.

Where are you.. U-uh.. Uh, Brian?

Could-could you stop singing, please?

Thank you. Alright, alright, where-where are you?

I'll meet you. What's the address?

Uh, excuse me. Sir?

- Hello. - Uh..

Oh, you must be Allan.

Come-on-in-ski.

I'm looking for Brian Reed, uh..

- Kinda tall, not too handsome. - Right.

Didn't you used to work for Brian?

Work for him? Ha-ha, is that what he told you?

Right. Well, do you still work for that porno cable TV thing?

Porno? No, no. No, no. No, no.

It's not porno, an-and we still work there.

Right. Well, the man's a doll.

An absolute doll.

- Yeah, he's kinda cute. - Bri!

'Hi, hi.'

Hey, hey, hey!

Allan-ski! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

'Get over here, you son of a bitch. Right now.'

I want you to meet some very, very close

personal friends of mine.

'Angelica Trotskys'

'for my friend Allan, right now! Ha-ha-ha-ha.'

Allan, you're never gonna believe what's happening.

'Ha-ha, busy girls.'

'Ha-ha, never.'

Uh, Hugh Hefner was assassinated and you've been sworn in.

That's good!

'That's very good. Listen..'

- 'Do you want a drink?' - 'Brian.'

- 'Telephone.' - Coming.

Hello? Hey, yeah, beautiful.

Ha-ha! Yeah, beautiful.

Beautiful. Beautiful, yeah.

Yeah, everything's very mellow here.

Yeah, looking after the house.

Yeah, watering the girls every day.

Yeah, well, that will be beautiful.

Okay. Love you.

You're the best, don't ever change. Ciao.

- Ciao? - Yeah, ciao.Ha-ha-ha.

Say, can you believe this place?

Belongs to my producer. He's letting me house-sit

while he's out on the coast for confabs.

Your producer? What are you talking about?

Yeah, Allen, my ship has come in.

Brian? What ship? You don't have a ship.

Well, you know, how I've kinda been missing

down at the studio the last few days?

Yeah, I know, I know.

Well, I didn't want anybody to know

but I've been, uh..

- ...auditioning. - Auditioning? For what?

- What are you talking about? - It's what you might call

kind of a new network quiz show.

Kind of. In a way.

Uh, but it's classy, Allan, it's very classy.

It's kind of a whole new breed of adult

sophisticated, uh, entertainment.

Uh-huh, what's this new breed of adult

sophisticated entertainment called, Brian?

Uh, it's called Bag--

I-I didn't hear you. What?

- "Bag The Big Bucks." - Brian.

"Bag The Big Bucks!"

'"Bag The Big Bucks?" Brian, don't you remember college?'

'You wanted to be a crusading video journalist.'

You're stuck in the goddamn '60s, Allan.

People change, look at me.

I used to be an anarchist with a ponytail.

Now I'm a Democrat with a bald spot.

It's a different world. You've got to think ahead.

- Look to the future. - What about my future, Brian?

What about the documentary?

The plan is to make a go of "Manhattan Report"

and take that to the network.

Yes, well, that's another thing, Allan.

- What? - See, about Manhattan..

- Yeah? - "Bag The Big Bucks"

tapes in California.

I'm movin' to Hollywood.

Brian! Brian, did you say you're goin' to Hollywood?

You're going to California?

It's a good career move for me, Allan.

I wish you could understand.

But you're gonna finish the interviews, right?

Well, my accountant wants me to move to California right away.

Something to do with taxes per diem, something--

If you go right away, Brian

I can't use two seconds of your footage.

You know, I can't afford to hire a real host.

A real host.

- Thanks a pantload, Allan. - No, that's not what I mean.

Hey, really? Why don't you host the show?

- Oh. - Really.

I've always thought you had star quality.

- Really? - Yes.

- Nah. I don't know. - Yes, of course.

- Star quality? - Yes.

Well, maybe I could. I got a good voice for it.

Sure, absolutely. I'll leave you my station blazer.

Brian, I'm sorry for flying off the handle..

- That's okay. - It's terrific for you, man.

- Yeah. I know, huh. - I'm happy for you, you know.

Gonna go out in the sun in California.

- Yeah, yeah. - Big house.

Oh, big condo in Burbank.

- Women, money. - Yeah. Ha ha.

- It's terrific. - Yeah.

I'll be here in Manhattan workin' at WPCP news

real hard, keeping the home fires burning.

- Of course you will, yeah. - You know.

- I'm sorry. - That's okay.

There's only one thing I really should say, buddy.

What's that, Allan?

If you leave, I'll fuckin' kill you.

- How can you desert me.. - Ow! Allan. Allan. Allan.

Allan, you're crushing my linen.

- It's last years look, buddy. - Brian, you can't..

- Hey! Hey! Hey! - Yes?

Hey, this man messing with you?

Uh, well, at the moment, uh..

My God.

Hey, loose joints? Huh?

- Uh.. Ooh.. - Huh? Got some hashish.

- Well, no. Not at the moment. - Some loose?

Thank you. Thank you. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, man, I thought you want peace.

- Allan, are you okay? - Mm. No.

Get up. Get up now. Get up now.

Are you okay? Oh, my gosh, you're bleeding.

You're bleeding.

- Are you okay? - No, don't..

You're bleeding.

Whoa, whoa. Oh, oh, oh. Hold on, hold on.

We'll get you Band-Aid.

Uh, excuse us, please. Excuse us.

- You okay? Huh? - Yeah. Mm.

Let me see it. Let me see it.

- It hurts, Brian. - Oh, it is fine.

Now, Allan, I have something else to tell you.

- Oh, Brian. - No, no, you'll like this.

Listen, you were right.

The singles life sucks the big hairy wet one.

We know this now, and-and that's why

I'm gonna meet Karen right now.

Well, right here in fact, to tell her that, uh

yes, I-I'm finally ready to settle down and-and, uh..

- Marry? - Yeah.

You're gonna get married to Karen?

Yes, yes, we're getting married. We're getting married.

- We're getting married. - Congratulation.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, actually, she's, uh

she's rehearsing this new show here.

She doesn't know anything about any of this yet.

- Oh, it's like a big surprise. - Yeah.

Brian, she's starring in a new play.

What makes you think she's gonna just go off

to Hollywood with you right away?

- You think she's gonna do that? - She will, she will, she will.

- Really? - Yes, yes.

The woman's goal in life is to bear my child, Allan.

- We know this. Huh? - Yes.

Believe me, she'll have her apartment sublet in 15 seconds.

- Boy. - Allan, why the gloom?

You should be happy.

Now, didn't you just tell me you found your dream girl?

Yes, and she thinks I'm a mental patient.

She sounds terrific.

Allan, go get her.

Look, take-take-take charge of your life. Huh?

You're the only guy who can make your dreams come true.

Get to work. Uh-huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Ha-ha!

- What a day, huh? - Yeah.

- Huh? Huh? Ha-ha-ha. - Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Good. I'll see you tomorrow, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah, good.

I felt abandoned and confused

but I knew Brian was right about one thing.

I had to take charge.

And if I wanted my dreams to come true

there was only one person for me to turn to.

I guess you probably know who that is.

No. Please, no.

♪ Greensleeves was all my joy ♪

♪ And Greensleeves.. ♪

Oh, hi.

What are you doing here?

My mother lives in this building, she really does.

I'm not lying.

♪ Was my delight.. ♪♪

Wait.. Maria. Maria, just a second.

Maria, hold on..

Do you speak Yiddish? I do.

You know what that means?

You should only grow like an onion with your head

in the ground and your feet in the air.

It's an interesting thing to say.

Can I help you with your groceries?

No, thank you.

Uh.. Oh, let me help you with the bag.

- It's okay, really. Thank you. - Oh, come on, it's very heavy.

No.

I'll-I'll get it.

As you can see, I'm really tensed these days.

'And that's, uh..'

'...that's because, of course my, uh'

'world situation struggle for Human Rights and, uh'

my gold fish ran away from home.

Here you go.

See, I'm-I'm right on the edge.

That's of course mainly because of the experiments. Ahem.

- Experiments? - Hm? Yes, the experiments.

Yes, uh, I'm participating in a government research project

that's, uh, testing the effectiveness of a high potency

fertility drug on American males of exceptional brilliance

and sexual charisma.

But of course, this is a top secret thing

and I shouldn't be breathing a word of this

to a civilian, you understand.

Good.

Uh, so this is your apartment?

No, this is my car.

I keep my apartment in a safe deposit box downtown.

Alright, Maria, you're not being fair.

Maria, do you have any idea

how long I've been sitting out there on the street?

My ass is now rent controlled.

Maria? Okay, alright.

I don't work for the government.

My mother does not live here.

She lives in Brooklyn with my father Maxwell

and 8000 lace doilies.

Maria?

Look, the only reason that I'm here

is to have a moment or two with you.

And I think that it's..

Your ass is now rent controlled?

Are you gonna let me in or what?

- Look, Alvin. - Allan. It's Allan.

Allan. I'm sure you are a very nice person.

And the story of your escape from the sanitarium

is probably quite interesting.

But look at what you've done.

- You've stolen my diaphragm. - Yes.

You've attacked my gynecologist.

Well, in a manner of speaking..

You've looked at my address in the phone book

and ambushed me on the street.

Now, wouldn't it just be easier if you just

asked me out on a date?

Yes..

Oh, thank you.

Um..

Maria, will you go out to dinner with me tonight?

Not if the fate of mankind hung in the balance.

Was that a yes or no?

I see, you are thinking it over.

That's okay. I can wait.

I have time. I've plenty of time.

And your cheese, I have your cheese.

See, what's happening now is that you're warming up to me.

And this was inevitable. I use unorthodox methods but I get..

What was that? Shh, shh, shh.

Okay, stay calm, stay perfectly calm.

I think that there is somebody in your apartment.

I hope so.

If not, I just spent twice as much on food as I need to.

Oh.

Alright.

Well, you live with somebody.

I feel like such a fool.

I suppose that there's not much future for us then.

Alright, Allan, if that's what you feel

'but let's try and just make it a clean break.'

Goodbye, Allan.

Yeah.

- What was that? - What?

I heard, I heard a baby.

- Baby, baby. - No, Allan.

There are babies in this apartment.

No. Al.. A-Allan, get out.

What are you, where are you going?

- Maria? - Uh, Mr. Franklin, it's okay.

He only looks dangerous.

I-I'll see you tomorrow.

Where are you going? Where are you going?

- 'You two live together?' - 'Yes, this is my son.'

- Give him to me. - He's beautiful.

- Oh, my sweety. - What's his name?

His name's Zak.

Zak.

'Hello.'

Zak.

- I just wanna say hello. - You've said hello.

- Do you know what this means? - What?

This means that when I marry you, I'll already have a son.

Uh..

♪ Hare Krishna ♪

♪ Hare Krishna ♪

♪ Krishna Krishna hare hare.. ♪♪

'Cell-Mates, roommate referral agency'.

'Yes, we can find someone to share your apartment.'

'Don't worry, Mr. Winger.'

We'll find you an ideally suited roommate

to share your apartment and share your living expenses.

'He's somebody just like you, we arranged it.'

'Yeah, that's right, I said a man who smokes'

'would be acceptable.'

However, I did not mean a man who smokes

while wearing women's clothing.

- Excuse me. - 'You heard me.'

He wears dresses.

He wears skirts and brassieres.

You didn't s-send me a smoker, Ms. Giannini.

You sent me a goddamn female impersonator.

Well, Mr. Kelp, I'm so sorry

there just must have been some sort of mix-up.

A mix-up?

Ms. Giannini, he sits in my chair

wearing a pink necklace and a wig.

I can't entertain.

I can't, I can't have friends in for dinner.

I mean, it's humiliating.

Of course it is, Mr. Kelp.

'Mr. Kelp?'

'Mr. Kelp?'

His boyfriends..

'Let's not even discuss his boyfriends.'

My hands haven't stopped shaking for two weeks.

Why did you wait two weeks to come in?

Why didn't you come in sooner?

Didn't, didn't wanna hurt his feelings.

He's a strong man, Ms. Giannini.

And he's a big man.

Especially in heels.

'Ms. Giannini, I can't go on living like this.'

I'm a good Catholic.

I just cannot live with a man..

...who calls me Pumpkin.

- Bye. - Bye.

Bye.

Oh, I'm not short. Mr. Lincoln..

Shh, Zak and I are very cranky.

It was nice seeing you. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Just a minute. Hold it for a second.

I bought a little present for Zak.

See? It's a little ducky.

Zak, take a look at this. Little ducky.

Isn't he cute? Look, "quack, quack," it's going.

It's going, "quack, quack." This incredible duck.

"Quack, quack," it goes, "quack, quack."

Zak? Zak, help me please.

I'm sorry, I don't allow war toys in this house.

War toys? This is a duck.

Thank you.

And surprise.

Chinese food.

You don't like Chinese.. I thought you'd be very hungry.

Allan, it's 1:30 in the morning. I've eaten.

Naturally. I-I think I slept through dinner

and that's why I'm starving.

Yeah, I'm famished.

Weak with hunger.

Okay, look. You do me a favor.

Just bring me out a finger bowl and a bib, then you go to bed

and I'll just stay outside, I'll have a couple of spare ribs

and then I'll get the hell out of here.

- Come on in. - Thank you.

I envy you, you know.

I mean, your place, your business

you're really in control of your life.

Me? I don't know, I think I'm in a classic midlife crisis.

Oh, why don't you just write that book of yours.

I know, I know, and I really want to

but everybody keeps saying a book on the Civil War

would be boring.

Well, we could all use a sleep.

Thank you very much.

Allan, screw everyone else.

It's your dream. Do it.

Oh, you really think I should?

Oh, there's the baby.

Come here. Oh..

What's that? Look at you.

Come on.

I told you, Zak, you've been hitting too many beer parties.

Okay, now, you're gonna hate this, I know it.

Whoa.

- Not that.. Hi. - Hi.

Can I do that?

You wanna change Zak's diapers?

- Do you mind? - No, I don't mind at all.

'I also don't mind if you wanna mop the kitchen'

'or shampoo the rugs.'

'If you get the urge, you just let me know.'

Come on.

Well, what was the name of that station you work at?

- WPCP. Do you watch it? - No.

- Have you ever heard of it? - No.

Oh, so you wouldn't call yourself like a big fan?

Not a big, no.

'That station, it's under a slaughterhouse.'

I was a history in communications major

at Columbia University.

Now I share an office with two chickens and a goat.

I don't know.

I see you. I see Zak.

Oh.

And I see how you live and I..

It just makes me think, you know.

Dry as a bone.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

Okay. You can sleep now.

Nighty-night.

You're a funny person, Alvin.

Funny peculiar or funny ha-ha?

A little of both.

Is that good?

I've no idea.

Well, it's, uh, getting late, and I think I should go.

Yeah.

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Why, what's wrong?

Look..

You just expect so much. I don't wanna hurt you.

This doesn't hurt.

Allan, I can't go to bed with you.

Why?

Because you're short and you're weird.

Who told you?

Allan, you're gonna get too attached to me.

I can tell you're gonna have my name tattooed on your arm.

- No, no tattoos, I promise. - You promise?

- I promise. - You swear?

- I swear. - Okay.

'What time is it?'

'8:30. Why?'

'8:30? Hurry up. The tattoo parlor opens at nine.'

'Short and weird.'

'How do you feel?'

- 'I'm a little worried.' - 'What?'

'About what?'

'That's it's the morning and I still like you.'

- You know, you snore. - I do not.

Yeah, you do. But that's okay. I like it.

Ha-ha. Thank you.

- Maria, let's get married. - Allan!

I know, I know. We just met. But trust me, I'm great.'

Allan, it's got nothing to do with my feelings for you.

I told you, I just don't believe in marriage.

I even refused to marry the father of my child.

Well, maybe you like me better than Zak's father.

It's not you. It is the whole idea of marriage.

It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Maria, everybody gets married. Listen, think of your parents.

'Now, isn't it their fondest desire'

'for their grandson to have a father.'

Well, my mother hasn't mentioned it lately

but it's probably because she's dead.

I'm sorry. And how about your father?

Well, of course, my father wants me to get married.

He's Italian and old-fashioned and total lunatic.

Yes, yes, yes. I like him, I like your father.

I like him. What does he do?

- Angelo? He talks to birds. - Mmm.

Eh, no, uh, I mean for a living.

Oh, he owns a bookstore.

Of course he does. He's Angelo, the..

He's an intellectual.

'Don't give me that crap, I'm a lawyer.'

'All I know is my wife whipped me'

with this thing as hard as she could

and that didn't hurt at all. I mean, it tickled.

You call it sadomasochism?

I've been selling this whip to lawyers for 15 years

'and not one has ever complained.'

'Tell your wife to hit you harder.'

'It's not my wife. It's this cheap'

cat o' nine tails that doesn't snap.

It doesn't sting. It's like a goddamn fly-swatter.

- I want my money back! - 'Excuse me?'

Uh, do these video tapes have

overweight Vietnamese lesbians in them?

No, they don't.

'Are you listening to me? I said I want my money back.'

- Excuse me, Mr. Giannini? - Uh, no student discount.

No, no, sir. I'm Allan Martin. I'm a friend of your daughter's.

- My Maria? - Yes, sir.

She told me I could find you here.

I'm an attorney. You can't screw me around.

Hey, calm down. Calm down.

'Allan, I apologize for all this hysteria.'

This is the first day of my Beethoven birthday sale.

'Ah, have you ever seen so many men in raincoats'

'looking for a bargain.'

'A lot of music lovers in this area. Did you eat some--'

'I was gonna take you to lunch.'

'Ah! I'll get my coat.'

Well, sir, you know, Maria, she loves you so much

and, and I was just thinking that, maybe, you know

maybe , you could help me t-to convince her--

Convince her to get married? Oh, Allan, come on.

Now don't you think that I've tried?

Maria says that marriage is not for her.

Well, it was good enough for me and her mother

but for her, no. No.

Do I look like an evil person?

All I want is to see

my only daughter married before I die.

I figured, after I die..

...what do I care?

I'll be just that much harder to fit for a tuxedo.

Well, maybe, if the two of us together talk to her..

When you finally give up on Maria

you give me a call, and we'll get drunk together.

I gotta go to work.

She turned me down.

Brian, it's 2:30 in the morning.

She turned me down, Allan.

Karen's living with another guy.

I can't believe it.

She's cheating on me.

You guys broke up, remember? It was your decision.

We didn't break up, I broke up.

She said she'd always love me.

I trusted her.

She took advantage of my good faith.

Brian..

Brian, come on, sit down.

Come on.

Look, um..

- You want some coffee or tea-- - I want a wife.

I'm all out of wife. I got Sanka, Yuban..

You know what else?

She told me that I had a lot to learn about women.

Me? Can you believe that?

Jesus Christ, Allan.

I don't want to go to California alone.

I need a wife right now.

Right now? Brian, right now?

What's the rush?

Remember, you're too young, you're too handsome.

No, Allan, we're not too young.

That's just the point.

See, I always thought that marriage wasn't for us

it was for our parents.

Now I realize, uh..

...we are our parents.

It's our turn now.

It's our turn now.

For once, Brian was right.

It was our turn to settle down and grow up.

I had to convince Maria.

♪ Let's go on go on vacation ♪

♪ Our love could stand a renovation ♪

♪ Let's go on go on vacation ♪

♪ Our love could stand a renovation ♪

♪ Let's go on ♪♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Go on vacation ♪♪ On vacation ♪

♪ Our love could stand a renovation ♪♪

It's incredible, every week I buy the paper from this man

and every week, he leaves out the "real estate" section.

Allan, I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

No, my own news dealer, you think I don't know

what he's trying to say?

He's saying, "I know what you earn.

"You don't need the "real estate" section

You will amount to nothing."

Two "Help wanted" sections I get, no "Real estate."

Well, all I want is a magazine.

Sure, the crosswords, what do care about my problems?

Well, so long, sailor.

- I'll see you tomorrow. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know, I mean..

- I thought we.. - No, no.

Zak's with Angelo, and I just want to be alone.

But, I mean, it's Saturday night.

- Can't we be alone together? - 'Honey..'

'I just have a lot of things to think about.'

- Maria, let's elope. - Go home, Allan.

No, I'm serious. Let's leave the city tonight.

What do you have to live here for?

I mean, what do you have? You have a beautiful home.

You have, uh, you know, a profitable business

that you love and you, and you own.

And you have a reasonably gorgeous child.

Your life is empty. Face it, Maria, you need me.

Allan, could we please stop talking about marriage now?

Well, marriage is a very important thing to me.

- It's a symbol of commitment-- - 'Allan?'

If you don't stop talking

I'm going to have to draw a moustache on your face.

Oh..

Thanks.

You think this marriage thing is a whole

big joke with me, is that right?

Wokay! Red or blue?

'Let me tell you something, Maria.'

'You're afraid of your own feelings.'

You are terrified of someone who adores you.

You just don't understand.

I guess that means

you won't be babysitting for Zak Monday, huh?

No! Zak I need.

He might understand.

Here.

Maybe you can find the "real estate" section.

I can manage, thank you.

Okay, the fact is I am trying to score

some points with your mother.

And I think, Zak..

Do you understand what I'm saying?

See, I have no way of knowing if you understand what I'm saying.

Could you indicate this, please, by drooling on your chest?

Yeah, thank you.

Okay, your mother, Zak

she respects you, and if you could

put in a good word for me somehow.

Do you think you could manage that, Zak?

Huh?

No, no, think about it. Take your time.

Don't say yes if you feel it'll compromise

your integrity as an infant.

'Cause I-I'd understand completely

if you didn't want to take any action on this.

After all, you're in a perfect position

to blackmail your mother emotionally.

Zak, take a look around you.

This is where I work.

This is where I'm trying to make a name for myself.

But I want you to know if you and your mother

play your cards right

someday, all this could be yours.

Allan, where have you been?

My kid's home from college.

I thought I'd take the morning off.

There's been this lady. She's been, like, calling for an hour.

Says it's really urgent!

- Here. - Hello?

I can't.. Hello?

Wha.. Hello?

Hello?

Hi, Maria..

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Okay, okay, I'll be right there.

Here.

- Okay. - Unn..

Wait, come back..

Get it off of him.

Alice, could you, could you get it off?

Thank you. Keep it.

Uh, he's been burped, so you just have to feed him

and then, and then you can take a nap.

I mean, you know what I mean.

I mean, the baby now can sleep or later.

- Actually, if you feel-- - Allan! Go!

Right.

Giannini. I'm looking for Angelo Giannini.

Giannini.. Uh..

That'll be Coronary Care down the hall.

'Allan?'

- How is he? - He's hooked up to a machine.

Allan, he better not die.

No, no. No, no, he won't die.

He's got too much to live for.

You, Zak, his Beethoven's birthday sale.

- What? - Yeah.

Twenty percent off, all leather goods.

It just began.

That night was the first time that I ever felt

that she needed me.

Some people are frightened by that feeling, but I liked it.

In the morning, we went through our now familiar ritual.

Only this time

it was different.

Do you still want to get married?

What?

My mother had the invitations

in the mail that night.

And Angelo was so happy

he began to make an incredible recovery.

All my dreams were now coming true.

Do you have any idea how this made me feel?

I was completely miserable! But why?

Marriage is what I've always wanted, isn't it?

If I could only find a girl like Karen

God, I'd never let her go, another thing

I would marry her in two seconds.

Oh, wow.

This means that when I marry you

I'll already have a son.

"When I marry you?"

We hadn't even had our first date!

'Come on, Allan. Don't you want to?'

Oh, my God!

If you want to do that with Rhonda

you will have to wait until you're older

and the two of you are married.

This is finally starting to make some sense to me.

Things are starting to come together now.

Then if you still want Rhonda in your mother's closet

you'll have our permission.

Do you understand, Allan?

Conditioning...it's an insidious thing.

Can start at a very early age

very early age.

I've gotta think.

I have to remember.

Ouch.

What? What was that?

I don't know.

I thought the baby kicked me.

That hurt.

Well, are they supposed to hurt?

No.

Call Dr. Goldberg.

What were you doing?

Nothing, I was just..

I was just saying how he'll soon grow up

and get married.

Ha! Ouch.

Don't you see it's all becoming so clear to me now.

Getting married and settling down

none of that was my idea.

They didn't even wait until I was born.

The-they started screwing me up in the womb.

I never had a chance.

All my life, I've had the illusion of free will

when in reality it's all been predestined.

D-do you know what this means? Do you have any idea?

'"Free will?" "Predestined?"'

Who cares? What do you want from me?

All I want to know is do you want the couch or don't you?

Which means I'm a free man. Maria is a free woman.

We're free to make our own decisions.

My God! I feel like this incredible weight

has just be lifted off my shoulders.

Now he's lifting weights.

Buddy, when I said, "hello, how are you today"

I wasn't asking for your goddamn life story.

'Now, one more mention of your problems'

'and I'll call the guard.'

I mean it.

Now, about the sofa

do you want the leatherette or the fold-away?

Oh. Uh..

...no, thanks.

I'm just browsing. Hey, what time is it?

What do you mean, "just browsing?"

8:30, my God. It is 8:30. Why didn't you tell me?

Just browsing? How dare you?

8:30. My wedding. It's at 8 o'clock.

We've got to go. We haven't got much time.

Everybody's waiting. Let's go, come on.

Just browsing?

'How dare you?'

Just browsing?

What.. 20 minutes is browsing.

Thirty minutes is a brows--

I can't believe you didn't tell me what time it was.

- I told you. - You didn't tell me.

You took five hours out of my life.

I can't believe you let me talk for five hours.

Neither can I.

You could've told me to shut up and go get married.

Who knew you were just browsing.

I'll make it up to you, I swear.

- Ohh, where are you takin' me? - Hurry up.

- Where are you going? - This way.

I'm afraid we might as well forfeit the hall.

We can't keep these people waiting any longer.

No, he, he never wears a watch.

- It's an illness. - No, it's not an illness.

- It is. It's a sickness. - He's always late like, okay.

Maybe we could serve a little chopped liver in the meantime.

- 'Maria.' - I told you he'd be here.

'Where's Maria?'

Hope everyone here is in the market.

- Excuse me, I-I'm Allan Martin. - Allan, it's 8:40.

- You know, the groom. - Allan, where have you been?

- Maria. - 'Who is this man?'

- 'Tony Mangusco.' - 'It's Tony Mangusco.

'He's a very brilliant man.'

There she is. No problem.

Allan, what are you doing?

Maria, you don't understand.

Tony and I spent the whole day going over everything.

And he made my choices so clear.

- Really, it was nothing. - Ahh, Tony.

Tell her what you told me.

As a matter of fact, Tony, tell everyone.

You want me to tell them, right here and now?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead.

'Are you drunk?'

'Go ahead, Tony. Tell them what we discussed.'

You know, about making my own decisions about my own life.

Who's talking about your life? I'm talking couches.

'And whether you're a newlywed like this excited young man'

or an old timer like myself

we all need some place soft to park our keisters, right?

And in today's furniture market place, your choice is simple.

'Leatherette or fold-away.'

What about sectionals? He forgot sectionals.

Allan, the man is selling couches.

I'd like to give you all my card.

- To.. Tony. Tony. - Call me.

- Let's have lunch. - Take it easy, Tony.

I-I-I'll handle it.

- What are you doing? - Maria, listen to me.

Listen to me. See, what I'm trying to say is

we've all been brainwashed, you know.

I mean, it started when we were kids.

'What are you talking about?'

'Well, think about this. Why do you want to marry me?'

'Because I love you.'

Alright, and none of that meant anything to you

until your father had a heart attack, don't you see?

Allan, what does my father have to do with our marriage?

Everything, see, you're marrying me

to live up to your father's expectations.

Don't you see what's happening here?

We're falling right back into the trap.

- Brian. Brian. - Yes. Yes.

Brian, you tried to tell me all along

- but I wouldn't listen to you. - Dude, what did I say?

I was too busy whining about my pure and true love

I never even gave cheap sex a chance.

Allan, please?

Uh, I don't know anything about cheap sex.

I don't know what he's talking about.

Listen, I never told him anything about cheap sex.

I'm a stranger to the concept.

'I know what you're saying, Allan.'

You finally realized that getting married

make your parents happy.

So that couldn't possibly be good for you

because then you wouldn't be your own man.

You'd be living your life for other people.

- Am I right? - That's right.

It doesn't take a man to say no to his parents.

'Zak does it all day long.'

The real courage, Allan, is to admit that maybe just..

...just maybe, your parents were right

about one or two things in our lives.

'Maria, I mean, you have to know.'

I think you're the most incredible woman I ever met.

And there's a good chance this is

the stupidest thing I've ever done.

But, uh..

Allan..

...are you sure you know what you're doing?

Not at all.

I think a gay republican work firm

is a very interesting concept.

I'm just not sure what I can find for you

for 300 dollars a month in Midtown.

'Allan?'

Maria.

What are you doing here?

Uh..

Actually...I'm looking for a roommate.

Last name first. We'll see what we can do for ya.

♪ You're my dream girl ♪

♪ You would be number one ♪

♪ With every mother's son ♪

♪ If you're my dream girl ♪

♪ Oh if you're my dream girl ♪

♪ You would be sweet and kind ♪

♪ Good wit lots of charm and educated ♪

♪ My if you're my dream girl ♪

♪ I always knew ♪

♪ That you ♪

♪ Could make my dreams come true ♪

♪ Our dreams ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Here in my dream world ♪

♪ You could have your own space ♪

♪ That occupies a larger place ♪

♪ Here in my dream world ♪

♪ Because you're my dream girl ♪

♪ You would be number one ♪

♪ With every mother mother's son ♪

♪ You're my dream girl ♪

♪ I always knew ♪

♪ That you ♪

♪ Would make my dreams come true ♪

♪ Our dream ♪

♪ Of love yeah ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Our dream ♪

♪ Of love yeah ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Our dream yeah ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ See our dream.. ♪♪