Original subtitles

Michael!

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

It's time to go!

We can't wait!

SQUAWKING GROWS LOUDER

He's filling buckets again.

The man is an imbecile.

Why does filling buckets make him an imbecile?

You just don't like him because he's different from you

and you don't understand people who are different from you.

Why is he always in that shed? What's he doing down there?

He's got pets.

What kind of pets? I don't know. Animals in jars.

Fish.

Fish? Listen, I don't know and I don't care.

He can do what he wants in his own shed.

Just leave him alone.

GURGLING

Oh, bugger.

What are you doing?

HE TAPS JAR

HE TAPS JAR

Ooh...

Hello?

Hello. Michael's phone.

Hello?

END CALL BEEPING

Michael?

Michael?

Good morning, your majesties.

OK...

Who will answer me a question?

Will you?

Will you tell me the truth?

OK, erm...

..I want to know something really specific, OK?

Something...

Something really stupid.

Will I...

Will I ever be in Neighbours?

OK.

OK.

OK, OK, yeah, one more question.

Your Majesty, I need you to tell me some numbers.

Six numbers.

Hello. Animal Watch. Can I help you?

Yeah, hiya. My neighbour has got monkeys in his shed.

OK, can I take your name, please?

Is this a good number to contact you on?

You don't need to contact me, OK? You'd prefer to remain anonymous?

No.

I would like to report my neighbour, Michael Sleep.

OK, can I have a brief understanding of what it is

you're calling about today? I've just told you, for God's sake!

My neighbour, Michael Sleep, has got monkeys in his shed.

OK, there's no need to talk to me like that, sir.

Like what? I'm trying to report monkeys here, pal.

Is the animal in a situation that requires urgent human help?

Do you not need a licence to keep monkeys?

Certain species of monkeys you do, yeah.

Is this animal in a situation that requires urgent human help?

Well, I'd say keeping shaved monkeys in jars of water

probably isn't good for them, wouldn't you?

I'm sorry, your neighbour has shaved monkeys in jars of water?

That's what I said, right. And he's put them in clothes.

How many monkeys? Three.

Are you sure they're monkeys? No! I'm not sure what I've seen,

to be honest, pal, but I know I didn't like it.

Right, I'm struggling slightly with this information.

Do you maybe want to calm down, have a think about

exactly what it is you wish to report, and phone us back?

No. I'd like somebody to come and investigate.

Can I take your address? I'm not giving you my address!

Thank you for your call.

END CALL BEEPING

Fuck!

Bloody hell!

Water butt was empty, had to go down the canal. Give us a hand.

Yeah. Sorry.

Is he all right?

He looks different.

What's wrong with them? I don't know.

Did you speak to them when I was gone?

Did you ask them any questions?

No.

You need to ask them about Clea.

I know. When?

Soon. I'm not ready.

Right, well, you might not have much time. I mean, they don't look well.

I'll ask tonight.

We'd better get to work.

Yeah, right, OK.

Oh, your phone rang while you were getting water,

but they didn't say anything. There was someone on the other end

but I don't think they could hear me.

British Columbia? That's the one. Where's British Columbia?

Michael? Eh? Where's British Columbia?

Canada.

Hello, mate.

Float On by Modest Mouse

Michael?

Yeah, it's me.

Coast is clear.

I mean...

What...?

What sort of time do you call this? Yes, exactly!

What sort of time do you call this? You should've been here an hour ago.

We slept in.

Are you two...? What?

An item.

No! Urgh!

Jesus! Are you having a laugh? I'm old enough to be her dad!

What's going on?

Do you mind, Brigham? No. What's going on?

Head office are due here any minute

and if I wasn't so desperately short-staffed

and if I didn't so desperately need you on the shop floor,

I would fire you right here on the spot. Right.

But you're not going to?

Erm, no, I just said, I can't because I desperately need you here.

Well, that told us.

Can I have a go on your long bike, Michael. Brigham, we haven't got...

Head office are due here any minute.

I feel like I'm running a nursery school here!

Or a circus.

Don't answer that. Don't answer...

Michael, don't answer it.

Hello, Hilary? Bloody Hilary again!

He's done what? Michael! Shush!

OK. No, I'll come over right now.

OK.

My dad has won a motorbike.

I need to get over there.

Brigham, I need my bike back!

Brigham!

Hey, sorry, no, you're going to have to move that, love.

I've got to get out 'ere. You can get your car through there.

Not without mounting the pavement, I can't! Then mount the pavement.

It's an Audi!

MEN CHATTER

Excuse me!

Dad, what the hell's going on?

Erm... Nothing.

What do you mean, "Nothing"? Where did the bike come from?

I won it. Bikes and Beverages Magazine.

Have you seen what you've done to the lawn?

Well, it's a bit more powerful than I'm used to.

REVVS LOUDLY

Off the bike.

Off the bike, Dad!

I'm just getting used to it.

Argh...

Dad, this is Kacey. She's my friend from work.

She's helping us with the project with the prophets.

Oh.

Right, I'm going to bring the bike round the front.

Tracy? Kacey.

Stacy? Kacey. Oh.

Brian. Nice to meet you, Brian. I've heard a lot about you.

Nothing good, I hope. He says you're a pain in the arse. Excellent!

So, how are you getting on with the homunculi?

It must be about time to exhume the jars from the manure.

They're out. Dug 'em out last night.

Already? Yep.

And? Did he ask his questions about Clea?

Not yet, no. I think he's...

I think he's building up to it. Well, he hasn't got much time.

Once they pass the state of divination,

they start to deteriorate.

Oh, right.

I mean, they were already looking pretty ragged this morning.

And for goodness' sake don't waste time by asking them questions.

Every question you ask them wears them out.

Shit.

Have you been wasting questions?

Oh, here they are. Just apologising, Dad, on your behalf,

for the mess in the garden. Don't worry, love.

We need to get back to your house quickly. What's the rush?

Can we borrow your bike?

I'll be two seconds.

CAR HORN

Are you joking me?

Hey!

Hello. Are you the owner? Yes.

Mr Sleep? Michael Sleep? Who are you?

We're from the Open University.

We have reason to believe that there was a very prominent meteor

sighted in the area a couple of nights ago and...

Sorry, what do you want? We're looking for a valuable meteorite.

We think it may be in your house.

How valuable?

I mean, invaluable as far as furthering our...

No, no, no. How much is it worth, monetary value?

Depending on its size and type,

it could be worth several thousand pounds.

No, you're all right, thank you.

Pardon? Not today, thank you.

I am looking for a bird book that could be worth £10 million.

That kind of knocks your several-thousand-pound space rock

into a cocked hat, doesn't it?

Now...

They're my boxes.

Right, OK, thank you.

Here we go.

Michael, I'm trying to move my car out, here.

Oh. Good luck with that, Cliff.

You're going to have trouble getting past all this lot.

Erm, excuse me!

Who gave you permission to take all this stuff?

Hello?

Can you go and check on the prophets?

I'm going to go and find out what the bloody hell's going on.

Hi, Olive. Hello, Michael.

Oh, God.

Hello, Michael. You're home early.

What are you doing, Roy? I'm taking back my property.

That stuff belongs to me.

Are you Michael Sleep?

Who are you? We're from the Open University.

We have reason to believe there was a meteorite landed in this area

two nights ago. Is that what you're looking for, too?

No. He's looking for a bird book.

F...!

Argh!

Bastard!

Argh!

You can't do this. It belongs to me, Michael.

You are squatting in my house. Right, I'm phoning the police.

Nine, nine, nine.

Hello. Police, please.

Michael, hang up, for God's sake. Don't embarrass yourself.

Hello. Yes. Erm... Well, I'm being burgled.

Yes. Michael Sleep, 30 Marvin Gardens.

It's just off the Wilmslow Road.

Oh, you know it?

Well, they're taking things out of the house without my permission

under the guise of being a removals company.

Hello. Erm, I'm just going to put you on hold.

Give it up, mate.

The king is out of his jar, OK?

He was trying to get at the queen, and he's in here somewhere

but I don't know where he's gone. He, like, attacked me.

He jumped on me, scratched my face. OK, thank you for your call.

I'll be there as soon as I possibly can. Bye.

END CALL BEEPING

Hello, officer. Sorry about that. Where were we?

Burgled!

30 Marvin Gardens.

It's just...

Wilmslow Road.

OK, thank you. Bye.

I don't know what to say, Michael. That was ridiculous.

Your phone rang halfway through.

Do you seriously expect me to believe... The police are here.

They're bloody good 'round here, the coppers. What do I say?

I'll speak to them. It's legally my property - I'll explain it.

I'll be in my shed!

Hello, there.

There's been a mix-up. I think you've had a wasted journey.

Are you the owner of this property, sir?

Yes, I am, but there's no burglary.

We've had a report that you're keeping monkeys here.

Monkeys?

Do you mind if we have a look around?

No.

Aargh!

Don't yell! You know it upsets them.

Right, it's in here somewhere and it's out of its jar.

It was on me face. It was horrible. Like a cold sponge.

All right, all right, calm down.

We've got to get it back in its water.

Where... Where is it? I think it's under those shelves, over there.

Broom.

Be careful, it scratches.

Your Majesty?

It's me, Michael.

We've got to get you back in the water, mate.

Argh!

Oh, no! Argh!

Get him off me!

Argh! Argh!

Aaargh!

CRUNCHING

Ow! Your Majesty!

It hurts!

Argh!

HE HISSES

Do you mind opening this up for me?

Bloody hell.

Is that the Action Man helicopter?

Yeah.

OK...

..I'll knock him off the curtain, you throw something over him.

Ready?

Three, two, one...

Argh! Get him, get him, get him!

GROWLING

Urgh!

Urgh... Urgh!

Urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh, urgh!

Oh, Your Majesty.

POLICE OFFICER MIMICS HELICOPTER BLADES

It's over.

I can't let them be discovered.

I'm going to have to put them out of their misery.

You haven't asked your question. There isn't time.

There is time...

.. if you do it now, OK?

This might be your only chance, mate. Come on, be brave.

Ask.

Why is it here? I don't know.

I don't live here.

I mean, it's my house, but my sister's partner lives here.

He's a bit of a strange bloke.

Up to all sorts.

What's his name? Michael.

Michael Sleep.

Do you know where we can find Mr Sleep?

Yeah. He's in the shed.

I need an answer...

.. about Clea.

It's about my Clea.

Is Clea alive?

Your Majesty...

..one last question, mate.

Will Clea ever come back home?

Does she love me?

Does Clea love me?

Mr Sleep?

Michael Sleep?

It's the police. Would you mind opening the door, please?

Michael Sleep, it's the police!

Open the door!

Police! Open the door!

Argh!

Hang on.

There you go.

Fight amongst yourselves.

What are you going to do now?

I think I have to go to Canada.

How are you going to get there?

Can you get to Canada on a motorbike?

You can try.

Kace, I'm so sorry you didn't get to ask your question.

I did, actually.

While you were getting water.

And?

I think I have to get to Australia. No way!

THEY CHUCKLE

Seriously?

KACEY GIGGLES

You're going to be in Neighbours? Apparently. Fuck.

How are you going to get to Australia?

I might have asked another question.

Split it?

Hopefully it'll be enough to pay for the flight.

Yeah.

And some acting lessons.

Prick.