Original subtitles

BIRDS CRY

MUSIC STOPS, BIRDS FADE

Oh. You all right? All right?

You just waiting for someone? Yes.

I was going to say, actually, thanks for, er, clearing up the...

Well, clearing some of the stuff up from the front here.

Yeah. Did Bev have a word?

I don't think so. Oh, right, OK.

Well, she said she was going to have a word, so...

Oh.

Yeah, just about clearing the front here.

I have. Yes, no, I know.

Brilliant. Yeah. Fantastic. Just, er...

I just thought I saw a rat, you know.

Thought you saw one?

No, I did. Well, I did, you know, it was...

Well, it was either a rat or a big mouse.

Big mouse, probably.

That oil slick's a bit annoying, isn't it? Yes. Yeah.

Looks like a rabbit, from my house, if you can believe it.

Yeah, it's a big black rabbit at the end of my drive.

REVERSING ALARM BEEPS

Oh.

What's this for? Soil conditioner.

Compost.

Shite!

Hello, Michael.

Oh, hello, Bev.

Was that your daughter came round yesterday?

I haven't got any kids, Bev. Oh.

Who was that, then? She looked nice.

That was Kacey. She was just helping me with something.

I could help. Oh. Thanks, Bev.

I mean, if you needed help, I could help.

I'm just stuck here all day.

Don't know what to do with myself half the time.

See you later, Bev. Bye, Michael.

HE CHUCKLES

Long bike.

Michael! Michael!

Michael! Morning, Brigham.

Ha... L... Long bike?

Yes. Tandem.

For two people.

Bike for two people. See you later.

Michael! Michael! Mike! Mike! Mike!

Yes? Can I have a go?

Long bike.

All right? Yeah. Late. Has he noticed?

Can I come round tonight and see the things?

What things?

"What things"?

The little fuckin' people you've got growing in jars.

Sh! God's sake.

They're not people, they're called homunculi

and I don't want anyone knowing about them, thank you very much!

Good morning, shoppers.

Michael Sleep is growing three homunculi at home in his shed.

That's Michael Sleep, three homunculi,

in jars, in his shed. Thank you.

Michael, why are you...? Sh.

Michael, it's Roy, give us a ring back when you get this message.

Listen, mate, it wasn't me that came and visited your dad at the home.

I don't know who it was but it wasn't me.

So you need to find out who's saying they're me.

Who's Roy? I've got to go.

You've only just got here. I've got to go to the nursing home.

Well, don't bother coming back. Oh, cheers, Gordon,

I really appreciate that.

Brigham!

Here he is. Hello, son. All right, Dad?

You out of breath?

Yeah, the, er... The car's out of action, I had to cycle.

Bloody 'ell, what've you got there? Is that a competition win?

Remote-controlled cars. Six of them.

Well, you know what they say. You can't have too many

remote-controlled cars.

But I'm running out of space here. Will you take 'em? Yeah.

You can give 'em to a charity shop,

or you might want to hold on to them yourself. Yeah, OK.

Here, Dad, Hilary said that you had a visitor.

Do you remember?

Did she?

Yes, Dad, have a think.

Someone came here to see you, to say hello,

can you remember who that might have been?

When was that, you say?

It must have been the day before yesterday.

Was it Roy? Was it Clea's brother, Roy?

Oh, so it was.

Yeah, I didn't recognise him. Pretended I did, though.

Fine bit of acting.

Have I ever met Roy?

Yes. Yes. You... You will have done, years ago.

You say you didn't recognise him?

No. Have you got any idea what he wanted?

Er... can't say that I have. Er...

He was wittering on about something. Skirting around something or other.

Only Connect was on, so I wasn't really paying attention.

Anyway, how are the prophets? Have you buried them yet?

No, not yet. The manure was delivered this morning.

There's a ton of the stuff. I don't think the neighbours are very happy.

Sod 'em.

Is everything OK?

Won't be a second, Dad.

All right.

Hilary? Is he all right?

You said my dad had a visitor. Yeah, Roy, wasn't it?

Now, do you remember what he looked like?

Erm... Here.

Now, that's an old photograph, but did he look anything like that?

Oh...

No, I wouldn't say that was him.

Do you remember what he did look like?

Yeah, he was slight,

fair hair, small round glasses.

Are you sure? Yeah, he was wearing a flat cap.

Is everything OK?

Hi, hi, hello. Sorry I'm late.

Do you want anything?

Just a coffee, please, a black coffee.

No problem, I'll bring it over.

How are you?

Yeah.

I was just wondering if you had a chance to pass on my number

to Clea's partner. Hamish, isn't it?

Because I haven't heard anything.

Yeah, no, I haven't passed it on.

Oh, OK, it's just that, um, since we spoke

I've been thinking about that lock-up that Clea and I shared

and I remembered that there was a couple of things

that belonged to me that I'd really like to get back.

Thanks.

It's Bea, isn't it?

Yeah.

Is it, though?

What do you mean? Well, I know you didn't know my sister,

so I'm wondering what else you're bullshitting about.

And I'm also wondering who your friend is,

trying to be inconspicuous sat at the table BEHIND ME!

My name's Bob. What the fuck's going on?

Your sister, Clea,

she was fencing stolen items

for the man who owned the antiques market she traded at.

And who are you, the police?

We represent the people from whom the items were stolen.

Well, I don't believe your name is Bob,

and I don't believe your name is Bea,

and I don't believe that either of you represent the people

from whom the items were stolen.

But that's actually beside the point, isn't it?

What do you want from me?

We want to find something that, erm, we believe Clea was in possession of

when she went missing.

OK.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

Give us your phone.

What's in the bag? Nothing. Er, toys.

What's in it? Toys, toys, er, cars, take it, it's yours, it's yours.

Presents?

Maybe, yeah.

Who for?

I don't know. Children?

What's your name?

Are you...?

BELLS JINGLE SOFTLY

What are you doing round here?

Just, er, you know, delivering presents.

But... is it Christmas?

No, not yet, I'm, er... I'm just...

You know, I'm starting early, because there's lots to do

when the time comes. Where's your red suit?

That's at home. I don't put that on till nearer the time,

in case I get spotted. You know, it wouldn't do, would it,

for me to get recognised too early.

I recognised you, didn't I? You did.

I knew who you were. Don't tell anyone, will you?

I won't tell anyone.

Thank you.

I, erm...

I...

I don't usually do this. I know, mate, I know.

I was just desperate.

I wasn't going to hurt you, I would never... I know. I know, I know.

I know, it's all right. You see, I-I know

who's been naughty or nice

and I know that you're not normally naughty.

I'm not.

I know.

Usually a good lad, aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

I just...

Hey. Hey, don't worry.

Erm, can I...?

Er, yeah.

Oh, that's for you.

I'm sorry it's not wrapped.

Could I, erm...?

Would it be all right to get my phone back?

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

Cheers. Erm, you are...

Rupert. Rupert! Rupert. Little Rupert.

Well, erm... Well, cheerio, then.

Thank you!

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

A book.

A bird book.

What's it called?

The Birds Of America.

The Birds Of America? Yes.

Shall we have a little look on the internet?

Ah, I got it.

"It has been estimated that five out of the ten highest prices ever paid

"for a book, adjusted for inflation,

"were for John James Audubon's The Birds Of America.

"The most recently discovered copy was sold at auction in 2019 for...

"..$6.6 million."

So that's quite a lot, then, isn't it?

Right. Let's be honest with each other.

Don't pretend to me that you're a keen ornithologist.

Now that I know what you're looking for,

I'll find it. Then, when I sell it, I'll give you some of the money.

How much?

Do you know what, Bob? That's a bloody good point.

We should discuss that.

All right?

You didn't come back to work. No,

Gordon gave me the rest of the day off.

Are you sure? Yeah. He said, "Don't bother coming back."

Oh... I don't think he was trying be helpful, mate.

I think I got the wrong end of the stick.

Well, he told me to tell you that you'd better come in tomorrow

or you're fired. Righto.

Shovelling shit?

Mm-hm.

Do you need some help?

Yeah. Go on, then.

Hello. Are you OK? I'm Kacey.

Michael, what are we doing?

Have to bury the jars.

In shit? Yes.

Why? Because that's what it says in the instructions.

It's to grow them on to the state of divination.

To keep 'em warm? Partly.

Ah, can't we just put them in the airing cupboard?

Airing cupboard! What century are you from?

Yeah, says the alchemist.

Evening, Your Majesties.

God, they've grown since last time.

What's this one?

That's a seraph, it's a type of angel.

The highest rank of angel.

Didn't know angels had different ranks.

Yeah, seraphim, they're right at the top, just below God.

According to Wikipedia.

One of their jobs is to fly around God's throne,

crying, "Holy, holy, holy!"

That could get annoying. Couldn't it, though?

No wonder He's so angry so much of the time.

It says we've got to wear robes.

Those are dressing gowns. They're robes. Bathrobes.

Are you serious? Kacey, I don't make the rules.

Sacris solemniis iuncta sint gaudia,

et ex praecordiis sonent praeconia.

Recedant vetera,

nova sint omnia,

corda, voces,

et opera.

Got any booze?

Booze? No.

Well, do you fancy a beer? I'll run to the garage.

Yeah, OK.

Here.

Cheers.

Oh! Hello.

Hiya.

You're Michael's girlfriend.

Girl...? No. No. Erm, we're just... We're just friends.

Oh, sorry. I'm Bev, I live next door.

Oh, right, hi. Kacey.

Nice to meet you, Kacey. Nice to meet you, Bev.

Are you just grabbing some beers?

Yeah, you know...

Yeah. Thirsty work. All that shovelling.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's nice, isn't he, Michael?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he is nice.

He's interesting, isn't he?

He's always got some project on the go, you know, in that shed of his.

Yeah? Yeah, I'm always wondering what he's up to in there.

Yeah.

Anyways, I'd better be off.

It was lovely to meet you...

Sorry... Bev. Beverley. Bev. Lovely to meet you, Bev.

Have a good night.

See ya.

That kid

who cycles round and round your road?

Elliot. What's his story?

He's just a teenager.

Do you ever talk to him?

Nah, not for years.

He used to be a cute kid.

You should speak to him.

Why?

Because.

I mean, he's obviously struggling with summat.

He's like a caged animal, riding round and round like that.

It's... It's sad.

I wouldn't know what to say. Hmm.

Well, you could start with, "Hello."

Right. Can I use your loo?

What for?

What do you mean, what for? What do you think?

Well, didn't you go before you came?

Are you serious?

It's just, I don't usually... You don't usually what?

I don't usually let people go in the house. Right.

Well, I need the loo, so...

Is it a number one or a number two? Don't be a prick, Michael.

Yes, OK. Thank you.

Ah, eh, it's upstairs. But don't... Don't what?

I don't know. But don't look around.

All right? Yeah.

Did you find it all right? Yeah, top of the stairs, like you said.

What's in the boxes? So you had a look around, then?

Mate, I didn't go rifling through your stuff, I just went to the loo