Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

♪♪

[ Whimpers ]

[ Rustling ]

[ yelling ]

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey!

My name is Emma Manicotti, and I'm a worldwide phenom.

I mean, everyone knows who I am.

That's my dad, Alfredo.

He's obviously way into noodles.

-Get beaten, you bad flour.

Oh, you're so bad. Who can help you?

"I can help you." [ Gasps ]

Yeast, you would help flour?

"Yes. Of course I would, for you."

Oh, yes. Take the yeast.

-Right now, he's gearing up for

the biggest noodle contest of all --

the Global Pasta Championship.

This is the one he needs to win,

or our family fortune and fame is at risk.

We already lost our brand of flour

due to the gluten ban, so I know he'll do it.

He's a winner.

Oh, my God, check this out.

So, this is my killer birthday party.

[ Distant screaming ]

-[ Screams ]

♪♪

-Oh, my God!

[ Elevator music plays ]

[ Elevator music continues ]

♪♪

Jerome. Thank God.

I need the keys to the fastest and most expensive car

that we have.

-[ Moans ]

-[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Alarm chirps ]

Are you serious?

[ Engine starts ]

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

Oh! Oh, my God, help!

What is this?

That's Chub.

He's the backwoods hillbilly that saved my ass.

-Name's Chub. Short for Chublie.

What's your name? -Wait, really?

You don't know who I am? I'm worldwide, babe.

Everyone knows who I am.

I'm obviously Emma Man-- -Hush.

You got a macaroni in your hair.

-Okay, okay, sorry. Hold on.

Let's just back up,

before the Pastademic shitstorm boiled over.

-No.

[ Radio changes stations ]

No.

[ Radio changes stations ]

Yes!

[ Italian opera playing ]

♪♪

[ Singing in Italian ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Italian dude. Buongior-jino.

-Manicotti, ti sei ingrassato.

-Thanks.

I was working out, but the weights were too heavy.

But talk is for women.

Do you have the...

secret sauce?

-Come hai ordinato, signore.

I pomodori coltivati sulla luna con una riduzione di origano.

-Yes, yes, yes. Your Italian is mesmerizing.

But what about...

the gluten?

[ Thunder rumbles ]

-Mi devi il doppio per il rischio che ho dovuto correre.

-Good work, Italiana dude.

Caio.

-Police! Freeze!

-Fuck me!

A well-dressed national has been busted

for trafficking gluten across international waters.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm late for a screening of "Windbreakers."

I've heard it's fart-tastic!

-Are you kidding me right now?

-Ah, my laboratory...

but for cooking.

Let's get this dinner party started.

[ Beeping ]

♪♪

Now comes the forbidden ingredient --

the gluten.

Rise! You belong in mouths!

Intestines are what you should be running through!

[ Laughs evilly ]

Rise, and renounce your dominion

to all fortunate enough to soon eat you!

-Ugh, God! Daddy!

-Can't you see I'm cooking?

-None of these birthday dresses I bought fit me.

-Emma.

Then why would you go and buy them all?

-Because if I can't wear them, then no one will wear them.

-You've had plenty of time to figure out a dress.

$9,300?

-I know, right? You call that "on sale"?

[ Cries ]

I spent so much of your money!

-I'm in here busting my ass off

making the world's best ziti alla genovese,

and you're out throwing money down the drain.

-[ Cries ]

This contest is worth a fortune,

and I need to win it to make up for our losses.

This is where the money comes from!

-Wait. What's that?

-Nothing. A secr-- secret ingredient.

-Did that say "gluten?" You know that's banned.

Dad, you're not using gluten, are you?

-Of course not.

It looks like gluten, but it's actually an acronym

for Great Linguini Uber Tasso Exsquisito Norophrophonine.

It is an ancient preservative derivative from olive pits.

-Oh, I know you're gonna win.

Daddy, what would I do without you?

-I guess you'd live an average life,

get a job to pay for things, and have to do stuff on your own.

-Oh, my God, you're so funny.

I wouldn't know how to do any of that.

-I know.

How about a sunset dinner on the Lasagna One

to celebrate your big thing -- what is it, anniversary?

-It is my birthday, not my anniversary,

but I better go buy a dress.

See you on the boat.

I mean, if you're a little overweight,

but believe you're slender,

does that make you translender?

I know. Hold on, I gotta do the thing.

What's up, ya'll?

Welcome to the new episode of "Emma's Dilemma,"

where I have to figure out what cool thing I buy next.

Put your suggestions in the comments,

and smash that "like" button and ring the bell for notifications.

You don't want to miss what I'm getting that you can't afford.

Be right back!

What do you mean you got a job?

Does it hurt? Are you okay?

What's it like?

-So perfect.

So delicately sauced and accurately layered.

If only you were alive,

you could get a big, fat whiff of yourself.

The hearty noodles so filled with gluten,

but no one will know.

No, no.

We do this tomorrow, my friend, and we take home the prize.

-Dad! Good news!

I found a dress that fits.

-A dress for what?

-My birthday, silly.

-Oh! It's blindingly fantastic.

Even from LEDs, I can feel the heat coming off you.

-Thank God!

-Come. Let's eat.

-Um...

You know what? I'll just stand.

-There's my girl, solving problems.

-So, are you ready for tomorrow?

-That's how ready I am for tomorrow.

Right there.

I bought the entire beach --

which is inanely stupid since I don't have the money.

But when I win, we will have the money,

and we'll be celebrating like the ancient Romans

when they first got Jesus.

-Look. Dad.

Birds in formation over the sunset.

That's a sign of good luck.

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Time's up!

Let the taste test begin!

And now, the moment that everyone's been waiting for --

the winner of the $50 trillion

Everlasting Worldwide Pasta Championship goes to...

Al...

...fre...

de...

[ Tense music plays ]

-The snowman?

No!

-No!

-Bernie, come here. Come here.

This is a joke, right?

I think you meant to say my name,

but then you said the snowman's name.

You cooked with gluten, Manicotti --

which not only disqualified you, but it's a federal violation.

-But -- But gluten is old-world, Bernie.

It's the lifeblood of legacy pasta.

-This makes you a criminal.

[ Sirens wailing ]

Hear that? That's the sound of your ride.

-Bernie --

-Your new home will be in Federal lockup,

I'm sorry to say.

-We've been friends for 30 years!

You called the authorities on me?

-Had to. -Oh, you had to?

Is that what keeps friends? Thank you, Bernie.

Thank you for doing your duty as a friend of 30 years.

-Look, Alfredo, it's the rules --

-I bought a beach, Bernie!

You have no idea what this will do to me!

-Come on, Manicotti, we're friends.

-We're not friends -- anymore.

I said we're not friends. Did you hear me?

You don't seem to be very broken up about it.

There'll be a day you'll regret this.

[ Laughs manically ]

Why is everyone staring at me?!

Stare at yourselves, you monsters!

I'm not good with feelings!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Breaking news!

Alfredo Manicotti goes down as the world's pasta mogul,

as he is defeated by a snowman.

There's snow messin' around with this snowman.

He's snow joke.

Snow what I mean?

Snothin'?

-The loser, Manicotti -- -It's a snow-brainer.

Time waits for snow man.

-The loser, Manicotti, still remains at large tonight.

They've set up a hotline,

but we're not going to tell you what it is.

-Speaking of farts, I just saw this movie "Windbreakers."

It's amazing!

You've got to -- you just have to check it out!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sirens wailing ]

♪♪

♪♪

-What's your pleasure, sir?

-Oh, nothing. I'm just browsing.

-Just take your time.

Look around. -These are cute.

Do you have these in taupe?

Whoa.

What...is...that?

-It's...

the Noodle of Destiny.

It's what you need.

-How do you know what I need?

-I don't. But that noodle does.

Take it.

You didn't find it, it found you.

What -- What does it do?

-It does whatever you want it to do.

-How much?

-[ Chuckles ]

Money cannot purchase fate.

-For free? That's a pretty good deal.

Can I get a box?

-Watch this.

-Holy...Ooh!

Do you ever blink? -Isn't this weird?

You're weird, too!

Embrace it. Fulfill your destiny.

-Okay, I'm gonna get outta here before this gets any weirder.

-Come back soon.

And tell your friends about me.

[ Chuckles ]

-If everything's gluten-free,

then where did all the gluten go?

Hmm.

That was impossibly easy.

Here's your gluten-free grape-skin latte

in a banana-skin cup.

-I'm sorry, but I ordered a gluten-filled mocha,

with double gluten, on top of more gluten.

I believe it's called the "Gluten Morgen."

-But, like, gluten is forbidden.

Like, everyone knows that.

-Oh, thank you for reminding me.

You ignorant peasants!

Gluten is life!

Gluten-free brownies!

Look how crumbly they are!

No gluten to hold them together!

[ Yells ]

[ Sirens wailing ]

♪♪

-The estate and every item on this property

will go up for auction to reconcile all of the loans

and pay the enormous gluten fines.

-All he did was lose a cooking contest.

This doesn't make any sense.

[ Cries ]

-Look, the system has ways to help you --

coupons for food, free bus tokens.

Emma, you're smart. You'll get through this.

It's just that you'll have...

none of your stuff.

-Oh, man!

-Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for clown court.

-All my stuff!

-Have a nice day. -[ Cries ]

How am I ever gonna survive?

[ Phone buzzing, ringing ]

Dad? Where are you?

The police are everywhere.

-Yes, I know. They're very good runners.

-We are about to lose everything.

What's gonna happen to us?

-We're gonna be okay, Emma.

I'm going to destroy -- I mean, I have a plan.

Because now I have the Noodle of Destiny.

-The noodle of what?

We're about to have nothing --

like, no things.

A gluten-free world did this to us.

And soon, the gluten-free world will know my pain.

-But what about my birthday party?

-I won't be able to make it. But I hope you have fun.

You're turning... sweet 16-something?

-Plus 4. 21.

21!

I was about to say "21." Okay.

Listen, just give me a day or so.

Daddy loves you.

I hope you have a killer birthday party.

-[ Cries ]

-Hey!

This is a Goddamn National Gluten Reserve.

The hell! You can't come in here!

-Oh yeah? Says who?

-Says me. I'm security around these parts.

Name's Bob.

Hey, you wanna see the Electric Pickle trick?

-Mm...will it take long?

-Watch this. It's amazin'

Ready? Okay.

Ain't that a hoot?

[ Laughs ]

-Hey, where'd you get them there noodles?

-My mama makes 'em from scratch.

I only like 'em al dente.

She calls me "Al Dente Bob," but my real name's just Bob.

-Of course. -Is that your tiny bike?

-It is now. I stole it from a child.

-Wait.

Dag nabit. You're Alfredo Manicotti.

I've seen you on the TV.

Mama uses Emma Flour for pizza-making --

at least she used to, until the gluten ban.

Hey, would you sign my noodle bowl?

-Why don't we sign it inside that silo,

near all the gluten.

We can get a selfie.

-Oh, hell yeah. Just hang on.

Let me find the keys.

Oh, man.

No one's gonna believe I met you.

-Isn't that the point of the picture, Bob?

-Thanks.

-So every one of these are filled to the brim

with delicious gluten?

-Yup.

Government flies it in with tankers.

-Ugh. It's such a shame, right?

That gluten got such a bad rap for no reason?

-Well, you get them hippies from California

sayin' it's all bad stuff, then, next --

-I'm coming up with this crazy idea, Bob.

-Oh, boy. I love crazy.

-I'm gonna re-gluten the world.

And I'll need your help.

-Hell yeah, man!

Let me just go poop.

-We can't change past events, can we, little noodle?

No.

But we can change the rules, and bring back the flavor.

Bring back...gluten!

[ Laughs manically ]

Are you done pooping, Bob?

-Hey, man, is this enough?

-No. Yes. I mean, I don't know.

Look, I'm sure it's between the storm and the electricity,

it's -- tie it to the weather vane.

We'll catch something. I'm just winging it.

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

-She's hot, y'all!

-With the power of the Noodle of Destiny,

I command that all gluten be returned to the food chain,

without penalty, and hereby replenish my income and --

What is that Goddamn noise?

-Aw, hell. Hang on.

-[ Yells ] It burns!

[ Yells ]

-Hey.

Oh!

-Yes, the house will still be in our possession for the party.

It's not like we're broke right now.

I mean, we will be very soon.

Of course my dad's not coming, you ding dong.

He's on the run, remember?

It's all over the news.

Listen, the party starts at 10:00,

I need you here by 8:00

to help me with my makeup and dress.

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I've lost weight.

I feel so slim -- slim with power --

sweet, glutenous power.

-Hey, what's going on with us?

-Welcome to the Pastalution, Bob.

Now, let's see how far we can push this.

Let's get cookin'!

Noodloids!

Bowties!

Linguinioids!

Yes!

Rise!

Rise, my children!

Make way for the New Noodle Order!

Give thanks to the life!

Now, my Noodlings, go forth

and fill the food chain with gluten!

[ Cheering ]

Let...

Pastacolypse...

begin!

-This is cool and all, but do you know what you're doing?

-Let me answer that with a question --

does any mad man know what he's doing when he's doing it?

Mad men are doers, Bob.

That's how things get done.

-How are you gonna bring back gluten?

-I don't know. I'm figuring it out myself.

-You had nothing else to do.

-Stop asking questions! -All right.

-We're great coming out of the gate.

It's not time to question.

This is the answer. -If you say so.

-You can be supportive or you can be negative.

I would prefer a little supportive-ness.

We're already doing much more than people expected, okay?

-Okay. -Just let this roll, baby.

-Ladies and Gentlemen, hot crusty food pockets!

Ooh, they smell delicious!

Who's bored with this show?

I am, right?

Can I get a channel change on three?

One...

two...

[ Pounding on door ]

Well, hello, there.

Are you gluten-free?

[ Glass shattering ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Upbeat music playing ]

-Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you the guest of honor

and birthday girl of the year,

Emma Maniiiiiiiii...

cotti!

And for everyone's enjoyment,

the dish you've been waiting for --

gluten-free Pasta salad!

[ Rumbling ]

[ Noodle hisses ]

-Aah!

-Whoa! [ Horse neighs ]

[ Hoofbeats approaching ]

[ Horse neighs ]

Shenandoah!

[ Horse neighs ]

♪♪

[ Noodle shrieks ]

♪♪

-Aaaahhhh!

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

-Aaahhh!

[ Squeaking ]

-Okay, so this is where we started, remember?

Aaahhh!

No! Stop!

[ Gunshots ]

Are you freaking kidding me?

What the hell are those things?!

-Hey, hey! The language.

-I'm just really scared... -Okay.

-...and I want my dad... -Okay.

-...and my stuff and my party back...

-Okay. -...and this shouldn't be

happening to me... -Mnh-mnh.

-...because I'm so rich, and... -Easy!

-Who are you?!

-Chub. Remember?

[ Gun cocks ]

Remember you was in the noodle swamp, the macaroni

was about to kill ya, had the shotgun, saved ya life.

You don't remember that all that?

-[ Sobbing ] -You gonna -- You gonna be okay.

-I just fell into a pit of warm macaroni

that was alive and wriggling around.

Does that sound "okay" to you?!

[ Gunshot ]

-Holy shit. Did you just see me swing in on that vine?

That was, like, 300 yards of kick-ass.

Chub, what are you staring at?

-This girl. -Oh, God.

We're in the middle of a noodle-demic,

and you're chasing girls in the woods.

So, what's your name?

-E-Em-ma-ma-ma.

Em-m-ma-m-ma.

Emma. Emma.

-[ Clicks tongue ] Okay.

Who wants to swing around on some vines?

[ Singsongy voice ] I know a couple of good ones.

-We gotta get her back to the Ranch.

-Oh, God, Chub, she can barely say her name.

Do you think she has the capacity to walk?

-She's human, and there ain't many of us left.

-[ Sighs ]

All right, this is how it goes.

You join us, you fight.

You don't fight, you're dead.

See this bear?

He's amazing.

[ Whispering ] Remember that.

Come on, let's get a vine. -Mary, ease up.

We're just gettin' to know each other.

Save your crazy for tomorrow.

I'm sure we gonna need your crazy tomorrow.

-I love plushies. Please don't hurt me.

I have a horse. Well, I had a horse.

-Let's race! -Do you like horses?

I also have this new idea where I want to make a game...

-I'm swingin'! -...that starts out really easy,

but then it gets really hard at the end.

I don't know. -♪ Swingin' ♪

-I think I could sell it to a newspaper

or some upcoming media like that.

Do you think that you'd want to play that game, or I --

Um, do you know where we're going?

- I want to introduce you to my twin brother, Halfway.

[ Boing! ]

Halfway, this is Emma. -Hey!

How you doin'? Nice to meet you, Emma.

-Everybody get us mixed up all the time.

-Can I lend you a hand? -What?!

-Look at him. He just showin' off.

-Okay, what kind of piece of junk is this?

You call it a boat!?

-Well, like they taught me in Hebrew School,

it ain't about what you're driving --

It's about where you're going.

-We're barely floating, and this guy

just handed me his hand and -- -Whoo!

Watch your head there, lady! -What?!

-Damn things come out of nowhere.

-Who are you people?

-"Who are we," you ask?

We are rustic, clodhoppin' backwoodsmen.

You ever seen "The Hills Have Eyes" or "Deliverance"?

We're those kind of people -- the ones teenagers fear.

-Oh, so you're the underprivileged?

-Underprivileged?

I'm Bill Gates of the woods!

This fly-ass yacht, bunch of buckshot.

My mama taught us how to shoot squirrels when we were little.

Puts meat on your bones.

-Where's your mama now?

-She's dead.

Noodles got her. -Aw.

Okay, well, speaking of things that aren't dead...

what's with these noodles? [ Gunshot ]

-You eat meat?

-Yeah, no.

Um, do you have a shower?

I think I'm gonna go throw up,

but I need to do it in the shower.

-Nope, but we got a washtub and all.

-Oh, damn. I was gonna take a bath in that tonight.

-You can bathe tomorrow, bro. Half your body plastic.

Use some glass cleaner and a rag.

-Thank God we got a toilet.

-Let's give it up for our new guest.

-Okeedoke. I'll get to cleanin' it out.

It's still full of crawfish guts from that boil we had.

And looky here. There's already some puke in it.

Guess they got to it before you did.

-[ Gags ] [ Knife slashes ]

-Welcome to the Ranch.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Beeping ]

-Noodle satellites airborne.

-Soon we will control all the Earth's transmissions

and stream gluten-filled propaganda

onto all devices. [ Thud ]

-Stand by for orbit. [ Ding ]

-Bob, does that ding mean they're in orbit now?

An oddly low-tech sound.

-No, that's my burrito.

-Burrito complete.

-It's cheese and bean. You want some?

Got it from the gas station a week ago.

-No, thanks, Bob. I'm getting another idea.

It involves gluten missiles and pasta reserve silos

that are based across the globe.

If we can hit those with precision,

we can build a pasta force of extraordinary strength.

Whaddya say? You up for it?

-[ Belches ]

I like it.

-Well, I've tracked the signal down to the Panhandle.

There might be 20 -- who knows -- 30 humans.

Goddamn thing.

-You -- You dropped your arm.

Just in case you hadn't noticed.

-We goin' that direction. We're safer in numbers.

If this signal is for real, we can build a resistance.

-Resistance? Out of what --

plastic boy dolls and stuffed bears?

More like a "Romper Room" army.

-Who the hell is that?

-Seriously? Who the hell am I?

-That's the guy who had to tell his sister

he already had a prom date.

-Name's Kent Trey, darlin'.

Biggest country artist on the radio.

Pleasure's yours.

[ Sizzling ]

♪♪

-Yeah, I just stream my music, so...

Hey, can I get some face wipes and skin toner?

-I used them all, and I've been asking for more,

but no one seems to listen.

-Okay, well, how are we supposed to stay clean and moisturized?

-Looks like we're not.

We don't even have decent food on this thing --

[ Gunshot ]

-Please shut up.

-If I could just call my dad, he could fix this.

And he would help me get away from you people.

-If my mama gone, I guarantee your daddy gone.

[ Beeping ]

-A gluten-free threat has been detected.

- Manicotti, sir,

we are getting a signal from a renegade humanoid outfit

based in San Francisco.

-The hell you say?

-Noodle satellite confirms the group's one of those

"gluten-free, plastic straw-banning,

keep-kids-in-masks, destroy the beef industry"

[Breathes deeply] extremists.

Ran out of breath there.

-Cows make the milk that is the vital ingredient

in Bolognese, and plastic straws

are essential for sipping flavorful sugared coffee drinks.

And masks are for Halloween fun!

Unleash the bow tie battalion,

and make sure they leave a carbon footprint bigger

than a Pope sandwich!

-The slower ones, sir, or the faster?

-The faster ones, Bob! -I don't know. The -- Are the...

-Jesus H.! San Francisco is 2,300 miles away!

-Uh... -That's two movies on the plane.

-I-I'm not... -Just do the thing now!

Now! -Whatever. I --

-Do the thing to the thing! -Hey, hey.

You don't have to take that mean sort of tone.

Everyone around here is cool.

-I'm just exaggerating my leadership qualities.

I'm sorry if it bothers you.

-It'd just be nice if you could sometimes say "please"

or "do you mind if..."

-Launch the bow ties, please!

Do you mind if!

-Deploy Bow Tie Force One!

-Bow Tie Force One, commence primary ignition.

-How was that, Bob?

Peaches and cream?

-Over Texas now.

Approaching simmering velocity.

They've gone full boil.

-F those F'ers in the F'ing A.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Slow jazz music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Seals barking ]

♪♪

[ Seals barking ]

♪♪

-Aah!

♪♪

♪♪

-Idiots annoodleated.

[ Clapping ]

-May the streets run red.

Now, more importantly, how's the ol' beach house comin' along?

♪♪

-[ Grunts ] -What are you making?

-This is my retort to the shit world we are livin' in.

-"Retort"?

Hey, that's a big word. Good job.

-Yes, it's a vulgar display of my considerable vocabulary.

-How did you know it?

-Well...I read a lot.

-I don't know what you're talking about,

but I do know one motherfuckin' thing --

Reading's for nerds! Drinking's for men.

-Read this, jerkwad. -Sorry, plastic boy.

I don't know sign language. -It is what it is.

-Don't you ever say shit like that to me again.

-Mind if I roast this?

-Do you know how they make those?

Machines make those.

-This was all Chub had.

It's gluten-free.

-Umm...

you might wanna... -[ Blows ]

Yeah, I'm just not used to cooking my own meals, so...

I guess I should start trying now, you know.

Hey, I like your bear.

What's his name? -Thanks.

This is Rowdy. [ Squeak! Squeak! ]

Short for McRowdy. He's Irish.

-Aww. He's so cute.

I just wanna touch him. I -- -Shh.

He's sleeping.

-Okay. -You wanna know a secret?

That country guy -- He's literally got nine minutes

and 23 frames to live.

And if you want to stay alive around here,

you've got to pretend you're the potatoes.

Come on. You know what I mean, right?

-Can you help me?

-Sure, I love helping people

who've never learned to help themselves.

-♪ Yes, I'm living in the present ♪

♪ Close to making mills, still be living like a peasant ♪

♪ Following my dreams, even when I'm still awake ♪

♪ All I show is love, but they all be full of hate ♪

♪ Everybody fake, it's hard to find the real ♪

♪ Look how many wack rappers be signing a deal ♪

♪ Look how many homeless people be feeling a meal ♪

♪ But the mother-- ♪ -No, no, no, no, no.

-There's something that probably bothered you. All right.

-Not near the ocean.

Everybody has a house near the ocean.

My house will be on the ocean! -Yes, sir.

-How's this?

Is this helping you?

Whippy sticks in your face?

-Those sticks are going so fast.

You're like a praying mantis hopped up on caffeine!

-Come on, Emma! -Could you just slow down?

God, I didn't do anything to you.

Why are you coming at me like this?

-You've got five seconds.

Four, three. What? Oh.

Good instincts. We can work with that.

-[ Sighs ] Okay, cool. We're done, right?

What's for dinner?

I've really worked up an appetite.

-Oh, I know. Working out makes me ravenous.

I made us burgers. -Oh, thank you!

I'm starved.

[ Water splashes ] -Can you fly, Emma?

Breaking news -- You can't!

-Are you serious?

-Mmm, this is so good!

You should really have some.

Oh, wait. You're in a swamp surrounded by gators.

[ Alligator hisses ] -Hey! No, you stop.

No!

I could have been severely killed.

-I saw this movie once, called "Windbreakers."

The only thing left to eat were beans.

The aliens couldn't see or hear,

but they could smell farts from, like, a mile away.

-[ Laughing ] Okay.

-It was such a good movie.

It motivated me to learn the way of the woods.

-Oh, thank you!

-Still can't fly, eh?

-God dang it! I didn't do anything to you!

-I know! That's why I'm helping!

[ Rock music plays ]

-Hyah!

-Hoo!

♪♪

-Ow! -Ha!

-♪ Sometimes in life, you have to make a stand ♪

[ Explosion ]

♪ 'Cause you know that only the strong survive ♪

-Laser!

Sword!

-♪ When it's time to face the fire ♪

♪ You're walking on the wire ♪

♪ And no one's there to catch you if you fall ♪ [ Gunshots ]

♪ You've got to know that you ♪

♪ You know you're never wrong ♪

-Wow. Good shot.

-Thanks. I, uh -- I didn't mean to shoot --

-Oh, no, I'm sure you didn't.

Yeah, miss all the enemies,

but blow away the person who actually wants to help you.

-So, now what? -Just two more things.

-Oh, my God. When I asked, "Now what," I didn't mean for real.

[ Thunder crashes ]

-Now, this is what I'm talking about!

Look at that view!

-Yeah, it's real nice.

-It's to die for.

I mean, I wouldn't die for it, but...

I do want to change the lamps.

-Yes, sir. -We need to swap out the rugs,

and I don't like any of the lighting fixtures.

-Yes, sir. -And we need to commission

an artist to paint a larger- than-life portrait of me.

-Yes, sir. -We need to switch out

the scones. The sconces. -Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

-The house needs more me. -Yes, sir.

-You can do this.

Just take your hand and throw it!

-This is the portal to my fans.

There are hundreds of millions of people

waiting for my content.

-Uh, hello? Your fans are all dead.

-It is the last luxury item I own.

-You know, I was just starting to admire your willpower

and threshold for pain.

Becoming one with the woods.

I was even gonna show you "Windbreakers," but now...

-Just let me keep it, please!

All my passwords and selfies are on here,

and one day, the platforms will be back, and when they do,

I'll be good to go, and, plus, my dad might call.

-Has he called you lately?

-Well, no, but...

What's the last thing I need to do?

-Come on. You're gonna love this.

♪♪

[ Whip cracks ]

♪♪

-Time to kick some past-ass.

Pasta ass.

N-Noodle bootle.

You know what I mean.

♪♪

♪♪

-This just in -- The noodles have now incapacitated

all of our military bases, and radar shows

they are now making their starch way to foreign land.

-That's completely pre-pasta-rous.

Heh. Pasta.

-I think what you meant to say

was, that's tortellini pre-pasta-rous!

[ Laughter, applause ]

And now for an exclusive clip from Tubi's

upcoming hit movie "Windbreakers."

[ Imitates wind blowing ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

♪♪

[ Stomach gurgles ]

♪♪

[ Fart, growl, girl screams ]

-Well, look who done got a makeover here.

Oh, Lord. -Hey, that's my leather outfit.

-Pasta ain't got a chance. -Where's the whip?

-Halfway, what's the word?

-We're -- We're moving into Pensacola.

That's where the signal is coming from,

so we hope to find humans.

-I'm Kent Trey, God damn it,

and let me tell you something.

Hope?

That rhymes with "dope," which is what we are.

Dopes headed right into a trap

where noodles will dine on our flesh.

And I'm not interested in becoming dinner

for what I eat for dinner!

-You have done nothing to help out around here.

All you do is complain, and it's getting extremely tiresome.

-Yeah, why don't you go take a freaking nap?

You are on my last nerve.

-Mary, stow it. No more killing on my boat.

-Now, as we know,

the noodles are fast, but they can be killed.

They usually go for the esophagus to cut off your air,

expand your throat until it tears open,

and then enter the lungs,

exploding your arteries into a pile of diarrhea

that would make flies throw up, and the stench from the vomit

is so acidic that it's like a cloud of sarin gas

that hunts out any living thing in the vicinity,

and it craves the pleasure of dissolving all human meat

into a rancid gumbo of scorched humanity

from which there is no repent!

[ Breathes deeply ]

- [ Clears throat ]

Look, y'all, it's a new world out there.

What he says is true.

Chickens fear the South 'cause of our delectable fried chicken.

We put 'em in that hot grease.

Pigs fear the South 'cause of our delicious barbecues

and our cookouts.

Now humans fear the South 'cause of the pasta.

Evolution has moved on to a new level.

It's a food fight to the death,

and we are the food.

-Rest in shifts. We land in six hours.

[ Thunder crashes ]

-Now, did Vermicelli's shipment come in?

-Yep, sure did.

Two-day delivery. He's slowing down.

-Bobby, hit me with the cheese. I've got the sniffles.

-You know, if we destroy every human,

we may miss the opportunity to learn from them...

like proper ways to construct a house...

install plumbing.

-Humans...

[ Inhales deeply ]

Whew! Ahem. Oh. Oh.

Humans are just speed bumps on our path to utopia.

Our pastapopia!

Write that down. -Okay.

-We are the ruling class now, Bob.

-♪ ...have some fun ♪ -Uh...

-♪ You know, some girls get anything they want ♪

♪ They say they won't... ♪

-Damn it, my daughter.

I need to find my daughter.

I told her I'd get her a birthday gift,

and I've been so busy doing all of this.

Hey, wait. Let's throw her a party. Can you set that up?

-Sure. What's she look like?

-You told me your mama used Emma Flour when she baked,

so you should know damn well what she looks like!

-Okay, you don't have to yell.

All the yelling.

-Welcome home, Bow Tie Squads.

Way to kick ass in San Francisco.

Marinara baths are heated and ready

for soaking your tired wings.

Your continued service of implementing Manicotti's

deranged goal

does not go without recognition.

Olive oil saunas are ready

and prepared for your enjoyment,

and it's free cheese day.

Here at Manicotti Kingdom, we amore your brave-iole.

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

-What's got you lost in thoughts?

-I was just thinking about my dad.

I wish he were here, but...

-But he ain't. He's dead.

-I mean, even if he were here, he wouldn't be really here.

So having him not around is sort of like when he was around.

-Smart phones done made people dumber.

-What if you're wrong about this signal?

What if this is a trap?

-It's only a trap if you don't know about it.

And if you think it might be a trap,

you're dumb enough to walk into it unprepared

[Chuckles] then that's just plain dumb.

[ Alarm blaring ]

-Cover them chickens! -Incoming!

-Food fight!

Who ordered the damn spaghetti?

-I did it! I did it!

I made fire!

-Oh, wow!

That's really, really great, Emma!

Now, you see up here?

You see all these noodles?

They want to kill us.

It'd be awesome if you could help.

-Brain eaters, 2:00!

Now, where the hell's my damn laser arm?

I left it right here yesterday.

Whoever took my laser arm better bring it right now,

or you're gonna get a laser where the sun don't shine!

♪♪

-All right, everybody. Relax. I'm here.

Kent Trey.

Shit! No! My arm!

It's all right. I've got another one.

-Hey, look! Twinsies!

-Chub! Hurry up! -I got it!

-It doesn't look like you got it, but...

-I got it! -Stop dragging ass. Let's go!

-I said I got it, and I got it!

-Okay, well, it didn't look like you did, so I just...

-I'm doing the best -- I'm working as fast as I can.

Uh! Argh!

Hell naw!

Aw! Right in the genius.

♪♪

[ Noodles screeching ]

Losing my breath. Ah, ugh...

-Chub! -Chub!

-Onions! Now! -What about me?!

-What about you?

-Hey! -Say good night, fatty!

-No, you idiot. -No, stop!

-What are you doing? -We're gonna save him.

-Look, he's gonna turn --

He's gonna turn into one of them,

and I'm gonna kill it to death so hard,

it's gonna hurt the whole time I'm killing him!

And I'm gonna write a song about it,

and it's gonna go to the top --

Kent Trey is not into this.

Help, guys. Please.

This thing's coming fast!

Help! I'm peein' in the water here!

Thank you! Thank you!

Now, be a doll and help ol' Kent Trey up.

Oh, God, I'm glad we're safe now.

-Uh --

Um... Oh, well. I tried.

-Thanks for the "heads"-up.

-Oh, woop. It's a head. Ha ha.

I'll go on "a head" and get rid of this.

-He'll never get "a head"-lining gig now.

-[ Clears throat ]

I'll guess he'll "beheading" off to the great one up above.

-Umm... -That old kid's finally

"head" of the class. -Yeah.

-Talk about cutting your head off to spite your ego.

-All right, okay. -He's gonna make it!

-How'd you know onions would work?

-When I was a kid, I used to take

long, hot, steamy onion baths.

Always made me feel better.

-[ Spits, belches ]

[ Spits, burps ]

Wow, thanks. I feel great.

A little swollen, but overall really, really great.

Do I look okay?

-We got company!

It's the son-of-a-bitching pasta regatta.

-Oh, my God, there's too many of them.

-How in the hell these noodles know how to build a boat?

I see what they did. They took the mostaccioli,

made them into tubes like a pontoon.

Oh, my God, this is real genius.

This is fine craftsmanship.

♪♪

♪♪

-Well, well, well!

What do we have here?

-Humans, sir. That's what we have.

-I know what they are, Bob!

I used to be one, as did you.

-Yes, sir.

-So, humans, welcome to my lair!

[ Laughs evilly ]

I assume you were sailing the seas,

looking to build a resistance to fight me.

Make no mistake -- I am un-fightable,

and the likes of your kind will never stop the Pastalution.

Now, let's see what we're up against.

[ Sniffs ] Mm...

Filled with grease.

Shave him and reduce him for fuel.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh! Spicy.

Grind her into pepper flakes.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Plastic.

Resin.

Aluminum.

Put him directly in the recycling bin.

Save the legs.

We can use those for our end tables.

And you...

Emma?

-Dad? -Dad?!

[ Noodles gasp ]

Your dad is a damn manicotti?

-Silence, Chubby! -Hell naw!

-Is that you?

-Look, everything's cool.

I've been meaning to call you, but --

-But you've been too busy wreaking havoc on mankind?

-No, no, it's not like that at all.

I've been -- Well, yes, it's a little bit like that.

I mean, I've gone a little overboard.

-A little overboard?

-My finger's in a lot of pots.

One of them happens to be wreaking havoc on mankind,

but I'm doing a lot of other stuff, too.

I've been co-composing some music.

You heard the walking music.

I built a house.

I'm doing all of this for you, probably.

-You ruined my birthday party, all my friends

exploded into noodle bits.

Now we're on the run, all of our assets are gone,

and you know how much I love assets.

They tried to take my phone,

and you promised you'd call, and now look at you!

You're a frickin' noodle!

-Way to be a dad. Good job.

Really nice parenting.

-Excuse me!

This is an A-B conversation.

"C" your way out of it.

Remove them from my sight!

Bring her to my chambers.

-[ Clears throat ] And what do we say?

-Please.

Are we polite enough now?

God forbid we're curt around the prisoners.

-Young missy, if you don't mind, would you please allow me

to escort you to Manicotti's chamber?

-What's gonna happen to my friends?

-Well...they're probably not gonna make it,

but you never know.

Like, when a pig squeal too much, you don't know

if she's lovin' the mud or if she's in labor

or if she's lovin' the mud in labor.

You know?

-Human dolts.

You think a gluten-free world is going to save you,

make you live longer?

The joke's on you.

And also you.

And you as well.

-So you are the big deal? "Manicotti?"

You look like a half-baked lasagna

that someone dropped in the gas station parking lot.

-Silence!

Your descriptions are fictional, and I might add,

you'll never make good writers of books that will sell.

I am writing the history here!

Do not underestimate my power to choose your fate.

-Can you repeat that? We weren't listening.

-Yeah, I was busy looking for my shotgun.

Plus, we only listen to smart people,

and you ain't one of them.

-And I was wonderin' if y'all had a toilet.

All I ate today was this mackerel and whipped cream,

and, uh, it be barking at the back door.

You understand what I'm sayin'?

-The toilet is down the hall to the left,

and your shotgun is somewhere...

It's somewhere.

Do you remember the part where I threatened your fate?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard some of that. I don't know.

Where the toilet at again?

I know you just told me, man,

but, you know, in between keeping my butt tight

and all that other blah, blah, blah, I forgot.

-The toilet is down the hall to the left.

I have missiles to launch, armies to form,

and I'm trying to bring back gluten,

which has been unfairly banned.

Let us know if you need anything.

Your day guard will be Steven.

Aah! Damn it!

Were you born stupid, or did you take lessons?!

-Okay.

Any response to what we just saw?

-That's the guy who started all this crap?

He's the reason God created spankings.

-What he needs is a home...

with help.

-I'm gonna spank his ass.

Mmm!

Pastini.

My favorite.

Y'all feel the floor heatin' up?

-I have a bad feeling about this.

-Yeah, me too.

I think we're about to be human noodle soup.

[ Classical music plays, women vocalizing ]

♪♪

-Emma, hey, hey!

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

I was busy yelling at the prisoners,

and all these guys need stuff all the time.

Did they bring any snacks or water for you?

What do you think of the place?

-I mean, what do you want me to say?

It's big and noodle-y.

-Yeah. I love space, you know.

Rooms where the walls are far away.

Hard to touch from the middle.

You look good.

Did you lose weight?

No, hold it. You dyed your hair.

-Well, I did dye my hair...

-Oh! -...and got a new outfit.

-Oh. -Oh, my God, I can make fire

now, and I -- -Mm.

-Oh, I have swords and... -Ah.

- [ Sighs ] Actually you know what?

You wouldn't know because you never paid attention

to what I was doing. -Ah.

-All you ever cared about was your pasta dishes

and elevating your ego.

You just threw money my way to keep me occupied,

and I grew up a spoiled, self-centered girl

because of you.

-I was just taking care of you the best way I knew.

Look, I know you might think I've gone overboard, and...

I just can't stand losing

because of some stupid ban on gluten.

That's what's driving my insanity.

Emma, look at me.

Underneath all this goop and carbonara and marinara,

I'm still just your daddy.

-And I'm your daughter.

Shouldn't that be more important than winning pasta contests?

-No -- Yes, of course!

Children are way more important than food.

I mean, everyone knows that.

You can go a week without laughing,

but not a week without food.

That's why I invented Santa Claus.

Hmm?

-You know, getting everything I ever wanted was nice.

But I realize now that that didn't matter.

None of it mattered.

I'm alive, and that's all that matters right now.

-We each survive in our own way.

I didn't choose this. It was a stupid accident.

And I want to share it with you.

I can turn you as well.

Together we can show

the world a gluten-filled paradise.

Will you join me?

Please, Emma, become a noodle.

-I love you, Dad,

but you are out of your frickin' mind!

-Damn it. Guards!

-What? Hey!

-You will be like me, Emma.

Exactly like me, and you will love it.

Take her to the Electric Pickle Pit!

-Gotta pee, gotta pee. -Wait!

Person who needs to pee, let us out!

-Open the door! -Oh, boy.

Gotta pee! -Come on, man!

You got the air on in here?

[ Urinating ]

[ Urinating continues ]

[ Urinating stops ]

[ Urinating continues ]

[ Urinating stops, toilet flushes ]

[ Hand dryer whirring ]

[ Whirring stops ]

-God, what is going on in there?

[ Hand dryer whirring ]

[ Whirring stops ]

Hello?

-Who's in there?

-Oh, uh, yeah, it's -- it's -- it's us.

We're, uh, noodle guards.

The door won't open, and we're late for...

the thing that noodles do at this time of day.

-The hell you say. Hang on. I'll unlock it.

Let's see here...

Okay, we'll just keep, uh, tryin'.

Okay. Unlock...

-Hey, how's it going with the unlocking?

-Oh, it's fine. How are y'all doin'?

-Open the damn door, doofus!

-Not doing too -- too good. Um...

It's getting a little hard to breathe in here.

-Try the key that says "Prison Cell Lock."

I bet that'll be the one.

[ Lock disengages ]

-Aw, hell yeah, you were right!

-Oh! -Ohhh!

-Oh, God, the mackerel!

-They just left it here?

So stupid.

-Hey, y'all ain't no noodle guards.

[ Gun cocks ] -No, we're not.

So, will you please take us to Manicotti?

-Aw, brother. You ain't gonna like him.

Uh...

-Not everybody's your buddy in buddyland, buddy.

-He's probably in the hangar

waiting to launch the gluten missiles.

-Launch the what, you say? -Yeah, he's got this big idea

to re-gluten the food chain.

-Hurry up, Chub!

-You can't rush this!

Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord, this is it!

-So, my name's Bob. -Ugh!

-What's y'alls? -I'm comin' home, Mama!

-Hey!

What?

Ew, gross.

What the hell are you doing to me?

Stop it. What?

Ew.

No, please!

-Attention, Noodloids.

It is time for your Mental Wellness Moment.

Assume the position.

Relax and breathe deeply.

Feel yourself becoming limp and overcooked.

Focus on your inner self and wish the stress away.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

There you go.

♪♪

[ Noodle snores ]

[ Door opens ]

-Holy macaroni.

Is that a ship made of noodles?

-It's a ship made of noodles, but what kind of ship?

Do it has decks? Does it have floors?

Does it have shuffleboard on it?

-It looks like they're arming it.

-I think they're arming it.

-Please stop repeating everything I say.

Halfway, what are those? -Gluten missiles.

G2HO57 suspended in sucrose

with electromagnetic charges.

-How do you know that?

-Well, it says it right there on the missile, shit-for-brains.

-That's what I was trying to tell you.

And then you trying to just take credit.

That's what you always do, Halfway.

-No, don't stop.

I'm just gonna go make a plan to blow this shit up.

-I saw it, but then you gonna just open your big ol' mouth,

like you always know everything.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Aah! Dad!

-Oh, hi.

It's you. Emma.

-Hiii...there.

-Umm, where are you going? Why aren't you a noodle?

I thought we were putting you in that pickle thing.

-Oh, yeah. That was, like, ridiculously easy

to get out of. -Damn it!

-Dad, you can't re-gluten the world.

-Pretty sure I'm -- -Your plan is insane.

Tell me how to reverse this.

-Oh, no, yeah, yeah, there's no reversing this magic.

I am 100% this way for life,

but, truth be told, I'm kind of digging it.

-Well, you know what?

That's stupid.

-You would slice your own father with a shoe knife?

-What stands before me is not my father.

-I bought you those shoes.

-Gluten missiles engaged and ready for launch.

-You know what? I really have to go address this.

Uh, let's remember where we left off.

So that was, you pulled it on me,

I questioned if you would, and then you said

I wasn't your father anymore.

Let's just put a pin in it, and we'll get back to it, okay?

Mwah. Okay, bye. Love you. Daddy loves you.

-Halfway, I'll need you to puncture

those fuel tanks under the plane.

The fuel will spread to those propane tanks.

And, Chub, you run an electric cable

from the propane to the junction box.

I'll connect that to the satellite antenna on the roof.

The storm will provide the spark,

and we'll "Back to the Future" this bitch.

-I'm goin' in to wet the place.

-Do me a favor -- Don't get killed.

-I've been killed before. If it happens again,

I won't notice.

-Stay noodle-y.

-♪ Ka-boom ♪

[ Ting! ]

-Uhh, okay.

Weirdo.

Shit's about to get real.

♪♪

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Electricity crackles ]

Mary! Over your shoulder!

[ Noodle roars ]

Incoming!

-Holy shit!

You've gotta be "squidding" me!

♪♪

-Aah!

How's it going? -"Squid" pro quo.

I'll thank you after we blow this place up.

[ Ship approaches ]

-Whoo-hoo! Look what I found!

Y'all need a ride?

-What the...

Stop them, Al Dente Bob!

Please!

-You too, Bob! Hop in.

It's a fast-moving noodle.

-You're gonna leave me? -Looks like it.

-I said, "Please," Bob.

-These folks are nice.

You're so mean.

-Emma. You're just gonna leave me, too?

-Yep!

See you later!

-Nooooooooooooo!

[ Explosion ]

-You did the right thing.

Blowing him up was our only option.

I mean, he was a noodle.

-We knocked out the core. That's what matters.

We still got a whole world out there full of them noodles.

-What are we gonna with this guy?

Uh, I think we should boil his ass up and eat him.

-You take one step outta line,

the last thing you'll see is that stuffed bear.

And his name...

is Rowdy.

-I can be cool.

-Hold on. Where are you going?

-This way. We got work to do...

and noodles to kill.

[ Heavy metal music plays ]

♪♪

[ Man shouts indistinctly ]

♪♪

[ Man shouting indistinctly ]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Welcome to a new age ♪

♪ Welcome to a new age ♪

♪ Welcome to a new age ♪

♪ Welcome to a new age ♪

-♪ Hiding in the dark, waiting for the right time ♪

♪ Dead flower coming back to life ♪

♪ Hiding in the dark, waiting for the right time ♪

♪ To join the pastacolypse ♪♪

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Gull crying in distance ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Man shouting indistinctly ]

♪♪