Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old Christian values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man who all the days we wake up laugh and

cry. Be a family guy.

Well, Lois, the socks got destroyed.

Don't worry about me driving. The cops don't have jurisdiction over yards.

It's like international waters.

Lois? Peter, in here!

Peter, I've been up here for three hours.

Oh, this happens to me all the time. The floor isn't lava.

That's just a show.

No, I saw a huge, disgusting spider on the floor.

You should have heard her before, going on and on about how she'd definitely win

on Survivor.

Pathetic. Oh.

Kill it before it goes back behind the fridge.

Wait, wait, wait. Actually, don't. But spiders are precious for some stupid

reason that I can't remember. Just put it outside.

Wow.

Who is this guy?

I know, right? I was very brave for a boy my age.

No, Peter, I'm talking about the hat.

All turned around.

You look like LL Cool J when you do that.

Captain Patrick Zeebo from Toys?

Peter, your cultural references are a mess. Just toss the spider and meet me

upstairs.

Thanks for getting me sick, spider.

Now go be free!

Ah, that's sad.

But at least whenever a nature thing happens, David Attenborough has to

it. The spider becomes a tragedy in nature's cruel circle.

Unmoved, the obese mammal returns to his den for procreation.

Now, leave it on.

Oh, yeah. You like this hat?

Oh, Peter. It's like I'm doing the Linkin Park guy who killed himself.

Chester Bennington? No, no, no. Don't say the name. The name ruins it.

Oh, Peter.

Oh, Peter.

Francis.

Did you just say Francis? I don't know what I said, Lois. It was the 90s. It

10 seconds ago.

Oh, right. I'm just so used to getting out of jams with that.

Peter, did you just yell out your dead father's name while we were having sex?

Holy crap. I think you're right.

I guess I must have thought about my old man Francis for a second while we were

doing it.

Wow.

So where were we?

No, Peter.

I just... I need a minute.

Leave the hat.

Hey, Peter, want to see a meme that everyone but me saw ten years ago? Look,

what color do you think this dress is?

No, thanks, Joe. Not in the mood. There you go, boys.

Thanks, Francis.

You're the best, Francis. Thank you kindly, Miss Francis. If you need me,

yell my name.

That Francis sure is something else.

Hey, Peter, what's the matter?

Well, Lois and I were having drunk backwards hat sex last night, and right

the middle, I yelled out Francis.

I was thinking about that new waitress. Oh, boy. But Lois thinks I meant

Francis, as in my dead dad.

Well, I suppose that was a fair assumption. Your dad was pretty hot.

I should probably come clean, huh? Just tell her that I wasn't thinking about my

dad, but rather a very attractive younger woman who I often see in an

unsupervised setting and to whom I've often lied and said I'm unmarried. Lois

will get it, right?

No way, Peter.

I saw gold. Some saw blue.

Yeah, you're much better off with Lois thinking you yelled out dead dad,

Francis. As sick as that is. As sick as that is. Than her knowing you were

thinking about hot chick, Francis.

You guys are right. I guess I can never tell Lois the truth.

But that's okay. I'm not the first person with a dirty sex secret.

Wow! I can see why they call you Catherine the Great.

Thanks.

And, hey, do you mind not telling your friends about this? I mean, if this gets

out, it'll be the only thing I'm remembered for.

Oh, for sure. Totally. I got you.

That better be the sound of normal trotting and not horse high fives. It's

normal trotting. Normal trotting. Normal trotting. I was in a parade.

We now return to Wonka, starring Timothee Chalamet.

This Chalamet kid thinks he's hot stuff now, but just wait. He's gonna be one of

those actors who never takes his shirt off, like Patrick Dempsey. Yeah, I...

What? I'm just saying, a guy never takes his shirt off. But Chalamet has taken

his shirt off.

Yeah, he takes his shirt off now, but trust me, in a few years, he's gonna

doing it, just like Dempsey. So, are you saying you want him to take his shirt

off? No, I just... Chalamet's just... I'm just saying, he's being a total

Patrick Dempsey. What? I don't know, he confuses me.

Peter, there you are. Look, I need to talk to you about what happened last

night. You know, saying Francis.

I think you should see a therapist.

What? Why?

You might have some feelings about your father that you still need to process.

After all, you did fall off a unicycle and crush him to death. It sounds far

-fetched, but that's literally what happened. Plus, he was always very

Lois, I don't know what mental health TikTok has led you to believe, but I

to you, it was just your run -of -the -mill dead dad name during sex brain

I'm totally fine.

Well, hold on there, Peter.

Therapy could do you worlds of good. For example, thanks to my therapist, I no

longer need a bowl that says good boy on it to know that I'm a good boy. Would I

like one of those bowls? Sure. But do I need it? I don't know.

I... I don't know.

Fine, Peter. If you won't do therapy, then maybe we can get to the bottom of

with my tarot cards.

Okay, let's see.

A knife.

An open field and Lorena Bobbitt.

Oh, I wonder if that means. Oh, no, no, no. I'll do the therapy. You'll win.

Wonderful. This is a big step, Peter.

Brian, what are all these pet co -links?

I need the good boy bowl or I'm bad.

So basically, I realized that there's some big feelings inside Peter about his

deceased father that he's clearly trying to work through, and that's why he's

here today.

All right. Well, with the two minutes we have left, maybe he can speak.

Peter, can you tell me a bit about yourself?

Oh, boy.

What is there to say? I met an astronaut once.

Not a good one. Not one of the moon ones. Now that I think of it, was he an

astronaut? He may have been a firefighter. You know what? He was a

He had the day off on 9 -11. That I remember.

And you know what? He drove a Chevy Astro. That's what was confusing me. But

sum up, met a firefighter, drove a Chevy Astro, didn't help on 9 -11.

Oh, and I guess I want to bang my dad.

Hmm, interesting.

May I see a picture?

Oh, wow.

And do you have any shirtless pictures of him? Or was he more of a Patrick

Dempsey? What? Total Dempsey. Zero shirtless pics post -40. I see. Well,

very serious.

This kind of outburst suggests major unresolved feelings surrounding your

father, as well as around your role as a father yourself.

Called it!

For starters, you'll need to build much stronger relationships with your own

children. That'll be the first step towards finding closure.

Just tell me the absolute least I'm allowed to do and I promise I will

it. No, Peter. You'll need to treat this like a second full -time job where

nobody pays you and your family members are all your boss.

Perfect. Thank you, Doctor.

We'll get right to work.

I stored my number in case you need to reach me. I've also signed you up for my

Joke of the Week newsletter.

Oh, hmm. Okay, I'd like to opt out of that.

Yes, I bet you would. Oh, and Peter, before I forget, are you just... gay?

I'm not gay.

Okay, you'd be surprised how often that happens.

Twenty minutes in, we figure that out, and boom, we're done.

Kids, we have an announcement.

Your dad is on a journey to deal with his father issues.

So, as part of his treatment, he'll be spending some quality time with each of

you. And just as a goof, I think we should all do name tags.

Is this going to be stuff you want to do or stuff we want to do?

It's going to be whatever's funniest, Chief.

Unsubscribe. Chris, this isn't the Internet. It's our kitchen.

Downvote. Oh, man, I can think of so many fun things we could do. Go to the

park. This is going to be real family only. Your last name is more of a

thing. www .bussylatinowives .org. Chris, again, this is not a computer.

Sorry, I might have clicked some spyware.

You seem busy. I'll leave you to it.

All right. Guess I'm supposed to do whatever it is you like to do.

Well, what'll it be?

Dressing up dolls, braiding hair?

Nick, I can't tell if these people are very poor or very, very rich.

Nick, who is this fat man without a head?

For you, no one. You didn't see anything. And now, laugh as if I said

funny and leave.

Laugh louder.

So, uh, what's new in your life?

Not much. I guess I'm just really upset people are paying so much for home

insurance. What? I've heard anecdotally that places like Allstate are charging

two to three thousand more than State Farm.

Is that true? In the unreliable anecdotal world, yes, it's very true.

Chris, are you working for State Farm? I'm not working for State Farm. I'm

having the time of my life for State Farm.

Yeah, listen, I'm not really looking to buy insurance.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mrs. Griffin. Is Mr.

Griffin available?

Okay, I'm supposed to read you a bedtime story, but all your stories are lame.

So instead, I'm reading the Applebee's menu.

Chapter one, sizzling starters.

This is why doctors call your cholesterol level clinically impossible.

This is a good menu. You can tell by how laminated it is. If it's possible to

wet the menu in any way, you have failed as a restaurant.

God, he's not even reading it. He's just riffing. We're going to skip the salad

chapter, but it doesn't affect the story at all.

I tell you, if you have a water pick, you basically have a bidet. Anyway, it

good connecting with the kids.

Oh, that's great, honey.

Yeah, I think it meant a lot to them, too.

Yeah, that fat one, the other one, the girl, I want to say.

Nobody did name tags.

I think they thought I was joking. I wasn't joking. But in any case, yeah, I

think I'm cured now.

So fast, Peter. You know, I've been texting with the therapist.

You have? Yeah. Ignore the penis pictures. He said he sent them by

unless I liked them.

Okay, here we go. Dr. Snelling says Peter needs to write a letter to his

father to help him properly grieve and move on.

But won't a letter make me sleepy?

My point is, Peter, that the hard work has only just begun.

Tomorrow, I think we should take the whole family to your father's grave so

can read the letter to him.

Doesn't that sound healing?

It does.

And it doesn't.

I mean, it does and it doesn't.

It doesn't.

I think this is going to be very cathartic for you, Peter.

There's Grandpa.

It's all gravy, baby?

Oh, yeah, he never said that. He was dead, so I told the tombstone guy to go

nuts. We were just laughing and laughing.

We are losing sight of the purpose for today's visit, which is for Peter to

a letter to his dead father.

I didn't write the letter.

What is the point of spending $40 for minimal therapy if you're not going to

the work?

Just say something.

Kids, come on, let's give your father some space.

Okay. Apples and pears, apples and pears, sibilants, sibilants.

Peter, come to the clam, quick. Frances lost a bet and she's coyote -ugly -ing

on the bar.

And three -time People's Choice Award winner Patrick Dempsey is here.

Uh -oh, those T -shirts are clinging on something terrible.

But what are they going to do about it? Ready, Patrick?

Ready, Frances.

No! My phone is dead!

Dead!

Well, will you look at that? A breakthrough!

I, and to a far lesser extent, Peter, did it!

I guess nobody's going to mention my suit.

Well, Meg, this was a very inappropriate time to call shotgun on your father,

but Peeta, we are all very proud of you. You finally let yourself grieve.

Thanks, and all good about the shotgun. I'll just kick her seat every three

seconds. Dad, I'm just glad you're feeling better, and we all love you.

Yeah, way to go, Dad.

Thanks, guys. I feel like I've done the work. You sure have.

And as a reward, we have one last surprise for you.

You do?

Ah, crap.

Isn't this great?

Your whole family at your favorite place.

This is, like, undoubtedly my future, huh?

Yeah. You'll probably go to Arizona for a year or two, but you'll be back.

It'll be too much.

So do we order with a waitress here, or? No, no, no. Let me handle this. Jerome!

I would like to make an anonymous bomb threat.

Peter, for the last time, that doesn't work face to face.

How about now?

Oh, here's someone, miss.

Hi. A round of drinks for my wonderful cured husband?

Oh, hey there.

Peter, I didn't know you had a family.

Francis, we need scissorware for table four.

Dad?

Let me get this straight. You only hung out with us in order to not have to

confess to Mom that you weren't actually shouting out Grandpa's name during sex,

but rather the name of a woman to whom you are not married?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there, Chris.

That is exactly right.

All that big work on yourself I thought you were doing. Peter, this is a new

low. Yeah, I can't even look at you. Come on, kids. We're leaving.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the sounds you're going to hear as I angrily slide

of the vinyl seats, not farts.

Don't bother coming home tonight.

She was way out of the booth for that last one.

Not going to sugarcoat it, Peter. That was brutal.

Well, I guess I got to get my family back.

You know, Bond's been making some great sea glass jewelry lately. Great way to

say you're sorry with some sad hobby sea glass.

No, thanks, Joe. I know just what I gotta do. I just need a boombox and some

Peter Gabriel.

Tell you what, Joe. I will buy Bonnie sea glass in exchange for you purchasing

60 bottles of Donna's Tahitian honey juice.

Let's do it. We gotta keep them happy.

This is a sad little micro -economy we've created to stay murried.

Put me to the limit.

Walk along the razor's edge.

Don't look down, just keep your head.

You can finish.

Open up the limit.

At the point of no return.

You've reached the top, but still you've got to learn how to keep it.

We'll be right back.

What are you doing?

I'm doing Say Anything, but that Dita Gabriel song is too expensive.

So this is 1001 Wacky Sound Effects.

You see Dad's quivering delts? That's why we don't skip delt day.

What do you think, Lois? I hate it. That's OK. That's OK. What about the

kite? The butt kite makes it worse. It's an egregious waste of tickets.

Don't sit under the apple tree.

Leave me alone.

I guess we both struck out.

Yeah. Would you mind driving me to a series of appointments?

Sorry, the couch doesn't pull out, Giggity.

But seriously, you're gonna sleep bad.

It's okay.

Thanks for letting me stay here, Quagmire.

No problem. Just know, a woman's coming over later to hurt me, and I didn't pay

her to hurt you, too. But if you want to pitch in like 15 bucks, she could

probably noogie you on the way out.

Oh, that's nice.

Peter! Lois is only going to forgive you if you man up and you actually do the

work.

Oh, my escort's here.

Ni hao. Ow!

And we're on the clock.

So, are you going to apologize to me or what? That's not what we're doing,

Peter. Oh, right. For once, it's on me. I'm shutting the door. Wait. I've got

something to say.

I wrote that letter to my dad like you wanted.

You did?

Dear Dad.

This first paragraph is mostly questions about what it's like being a ghost, so

I'll skip down a bit.

Dad, if there's one thing I never got to say to you, it's this.

You had a massive blackhead on your cheek for most of my childhood. I don't

how you didn't see it. What I'm getting at is, you are a pretty crappy father.

I could never make you proud. Even when I broke into Nancy Pelosi's office and

put my feet up on the desk, just like we always joked about doing, I knew it

wouldn't be enough.

And I realize now that I never want to be that kind of dad.

I'm not perfect, but I'll always be proud of my idiot kids.

So turns out the one thing you did right was showing me the kind of dad and

husband I don't want to be.

So goodbye, Dad.

I hope I'm better than you.

But also, please answer my ghost questions. Amen.

Peter, you did it. You actually did the work.

I love you, Lois.

I love you too, Peter.

Sorry I yelled the hot lady's name.

Oh, it's all right.

If it makes you feel better when we're doing it, I'm mostly thinking about

Hemsworth. Is that why you whispered Chris that one time? I thought you just

meant our son.

Oh, now I'm upset.

Well, it's good to be living at home again. But I appreciate you letting me

with you, Quagmire. No problem, Peter.

By the way, you left your Minions pajamas at my place.

Keep them. Lois says I'm not supposed to wear them because they keep me up

laughing too much.

Thanks, Jerome.

Hey, what ever happened to Frances?

I don't know. She just suddenly stopped coming into work last week.

There you go, Frances.

Jerome told us it was your dream to go to nursing school, so go.

Uh, I wanted to be a tattoo artist.

Tattoo artist? Nurse? It's all gravy, baby.

Got it, Bon!

Haha.