Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man who all the things that make us laugh

and cry.

We are family guys.

Sunday at the Clam. No family, just football, fats, and friends.

Hey, Jerome, could you turn the volume up? Nothing like a national ad with

mismatched local audio at the end.

The new Chevy Blazer. All roads, all seasons. Go explore.

Shop our deals at Jerome's Autobahn, Route 1, Pawtucket.

And that'll do it here from Denver, where the Patriots lose their fifth

41 -6.

I hate that people in Denver get to be happy the rest of the afternoon while we

have to be sad.

It's only two o 'clock there. Mountain time.

The man knows his own. The only good thing about the game was listening to

Brady. Yeah, it's fun having him in the booth.

Guys, he's doing a game next week at Foxboro. We should go.

I don't know. The traffic on Route 1 is a nightmare.

I'll tell you what isn't a nightmare on Route 1. The savings at Cerrone's Auto

Barn in Pawtucket. You kind of heard the man. We're going.

Ryan, treat!

Where is it? Where is it? I've been a good boy! Yeah, I don't have a treat. I

just need your help moving a mattress.

Don't do that! You have no idea!

Okay, well, jeez, whatever.

Anyway, Rupert somehow got his leg stuck between the side of the crib and the

mattress. Looks like he's also handcuffed to the bars.

That's something else. Let's focus on the mattress. I need you to help me move

it so we can free him.

What the deuce?

Brian, is that a built -in ashtray?

Appears to be, yeah.

How old is this crib?

Well, I think a lot of the stuff in here is hand -me -downs from Meg and Chris,

and Peter and Lois before them. Wait, parents would smoke while putting the

down for a nap?

No, the baby would smoke while the parents were at work. This was before

babysitters, you gotta remember.

Ugh, I deserve better than this white trash furniture.

Well, maybe the place could use some freshening up. You know what? I'll take

to Ikea.

What's that?

It's a furniture store where people go to eat meatballs and argue with their

wives. Oh, right, that place near the airport.

Yeah, they're always near the airport.

And no other stores.

Uh

-oh.

I think she's holding it until the flyover.

Boy, they're really late today.

Greatest country in the world, right?

I'm going to hold eye contact until you respond.

Oh, absolutely.

Love it or leave it.

Chowder here. Get your hot chowder.

Meg, what the hell are you doing here?

Well, every three years, vendor licenses expire. So every three years, there's a

re -evaluation of... Shorter story, Meg. I applied for the job and I got it.

Yes, that is the exact length of story that men want to hear. Please pass the

word amongst your people.

So who wants a creamy clam squirt?

Uh, Giggity?

Guys, look at this. There's Brady in the booth.

God, he's gorgeous.

Yeah, I saw him earlier. That's right where I refill my clam vat.

Wait, you saw him? Let me smell your eyes.

Meg, you've got to get us in there.

I don't know.

Security's pretty tight.

Oh, I can smooth talk celebrities.

You know, I used to be Eddie Murphy's late -night pizza and prostitute guy.

Hello?

Peter, I need two meat lovers.

Again, I need to know if you're talking about pizzas or prostitutes.

Okay, never mind. I want two Hawaiians. And make sure they're hot.

I feel like our system isn't quite working, Edward.

God, this place is so crowded. Who are all these people? Mostly stepfamilies

furnishing the lesser house they got after the divorce. The second time

you want stuff that's not worth fighting over. Oh, here we are. Kids' bedrooms.

Oh, these are quite nice.

I feel like I'm in the Olympic village of a not -good country. I like this bed.

The cokes are full.

Oh, sorry. That one's on back order, but we could get it to you in six to eight

weeks. Really?

Yeah, the one thing you want is always the one thing that's out of stock.

the IKEA promise.

Sounds like more of a threat.

I think it sort of walks the line nicely between the two.

Oh, and there's some assembly required.

How much is some?

All. Okay, give us a moment.

That's fine. I'm quitting soon anyway.

You know, Brian, I just had a thought. Instead of ordering all this to our

house, we could just make this our house.

What do you mean? You want to live here?

Well, think about it. We could have a different living room every night and a

different kitchen every morning. I don't know.

And Brian, look at that.

A whole array of elevated dog bowls.

Wow. I won't have to lower my face to the floor like some scumbag cat.

You know what?

I'm in.

Excuse me. Is this bed in stock?

What? I don't work here. No, I know. I work here. I just don't know anything.

And that's the end of the third quarter. We'll be right back after this word

from your local station.

Who is it? Yes, we're the family of the people murdered by Aaron Hernandez, and

we're here to collect our signed football.

Oh, well, you deserve at least that.

Hey, Tom.

I don't know what's happening.

Tom, what was your favorite time zone to play in?

That was the question you were fired up about in the elevator?

Oh, are we kidding? We can't lie to you, Tom. We're just drunk men who get burp

nervous when talking to our hero. So, 35 and 13 in the playoffs, huh? Can we

call security?

Security!

Clear out of here, you knuckleheads!

I'm sorry, I told them not to bother you.

Wow, your forearms are massive. Do you do resistance training?

No, but I do take a Popeye class at Equinox. Ha, Popeye. That's one of the

pop culture references I know. I owe you for saving my butt.

You know, I'm in town for a few days. Maybe I could take you out for a cup of

coffee while I have a room -temperature brown mushroom liquid.

Sounds great.

Speaking of room -temperature brown liquids, I gotta go lady -spatter the

mezzanine toilet. You see, when vendors have extra clam chowder... Short of

story, Meg.

Oh, Meg, I am so proud of you. A date with Tom Brady.

OK, now I know Tom Brady is my favorite athlete, but you are still my teenage

daughter. So I'll just say, if he's doing hand stuff on you, try and snap up

Super Bowl ring.

Dad, come on, Peter.

Come on, what? I'm basing this on you, Lois. Meg, you might not notice, but

mom is basically like the Little Shop of Horrors plant down there. Guys, it's

just coffee.

It's not like we're getting married.

Married to Tom Brady?

Wow, I'll finally have a son I can be proud of!

Hi, I'd like to tattoo the word whore on my chest.

Getting back at your dad?

You saw the last scene, huh?

Yeah, big fan.

You actually tattoo a lot of pictures of your little brother on fat people's

ankles. Oh, you mean this guy?

Nice!

I ate so much breakfast fish, I'm worried I'm not going to have room for

lunch fish.

I might go take a walk, see where the arrows take me. Yesterday, they took me

art any orthodontist would be proud to display.

Okay, sounds good. I might go pretend right on one of the cardboard computers

one of the fake dens.

I like our life.

All right, mate, you have coffee with Tom. I'm going to steal somebody's phone

order and let them worry about it. Dozen for Rajiv?

Yes, sir.

Oh,

holy crap, Tom Brady?

I got to call my almost -deaf brother.

Billy! Billy!

Billy, Tom Brady just walked into our Dunkin' Donuts.

Tom Brady!

No, no, no, I'm not going to call him Benedict Donald.

Billy, I'm not going to call him Benedict Donald.

My brother Billy thinks you're Benedict Donald.

Well, New England will always be home to me.

Is what I've been told to say.

Hey, Meg.

Hey, Mr. Brady.

Please, Mr.

Brady is my surprisingly unattractive father. Call me Tom.

Okay, Tom.

So, is it cool being back?

You're like a god around here.

Well, in my playing days, maybe. But now that I'm an announcer, it's like

starting all over again. Only this time, I don't have Coach Belichick talking in

my ear.

It's easy.

All you have to do is watch the game and relay what's happening. Like if the

middle linebacker drops into deep coverage, you know that you're facing a

2 defense.

Wow. How does a pretty girl like you know so much about football?

I'm a woman in New England. I'm required to watch football, but forbidden to

speak during it. Meg, I'd love to have you talking into my earpiece during the

game. I really think you could put me on the right track.

I'd love that.

Great. Then we'll... Ow!

What the...

Peter, I got the ring. Let's go.

Excuse me, do you mind if we try the sofa?

We're a shoes -off household.

Do you know if the sofa folds out?

So she wants to put your mom on a sofa bed? It's going to be your bed in eight

months if you're not careful.

This must be the dickish baby from the Yelp review.

You have to Yelp Ikea?

Yep, it's definitely him.

Well, this Vikings team really needs a win tonight against the Cowboys. Tom,

give us your keys to the game.

The three keys tonight are defense, defense, defense. Then compliment his

The three keys tonight are defense, defense, defense. Then compliment his

Oh, thank you very much, sir. My wife picked it out. Okay, we'll work on the

compliments.

Now, the Vikings' D -line is going to have their work cut out for them. But

remember, as Lou Holtz said... No one ever drowned in sweat. Excellent point,

Tom! You're killing it. Now, just do a lackluster promo for a new Fox show.

Stick around after the game for an all -new Animal Control on Fox.

Why watch limitless free porn on your phone when you can see Joel McHale try

catch a ferret?

Animal Control.

All right, looks like we finally got the place to ourselves.

I call Top Bunk. I also call Top Bunk.

Wow, when the place is empty like this, it's like we live in a mansion.

And do you know what people who live in mansions do?

They host dinner parties. You want to host a dinner party in the store?

Provided I can lose nine pounds by Saturday. You weigh eight pounds. I

say it was going to be easy.

Finally, I don't have to be ashamed of where I live anymore. This is my chance

to ingratiate myself to the movers and shaker of Quahog. You mean movers and

shakers? No, Quahog is loaded with movers, but it's only got the one

We'll set it for 8 .05 after closing.

Driving is encouraged.

Plenty of parking.

Look at us, Brian. It's just what we always talked about. I don't recall ever

having this conversation.

Yeah, you know, living in a store with your buddy, eating so much fish you feel

crazy. Yeah, we definitely never talked about this, but I'm also having a nice

time. Good night, Stewie.

I bet we're having the best time of anyone living in any store.

Well, time is running out in this game. This is a good thing because... I just

got my period, and I have to get to the bathroom.

It's a crime scene down there. Well, that's all tonight from Minnesota as the

Vikings hold on to beat the Cowboys 28 -24.

And we're clear.

Great job tonight, Tom.

Want to come get blackout drunk with me in a second -tier American city because

we're sports announcers?

Sorry, I can't. I've got this date with a Victoria's Secret model.

Oh, are you guys getting serious?

No, I get with a different model every night.

And I've kind of been hanging out with this chick, Meg.

But just for her football knowledge.

Is she hot? No. On a scale of 1 to 10, they have to put her on a different

because she's like 200 pounds.

Meg, you're missing an all -new animal control on Fox.

And any one of them could be the last one ever.

Meg? Are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Tom Brady's been using me for my football knowledge, and I thought that

me. But then I was listening over the headphones.

He's shorter. He's really got to be shorter, sweetie.

Tom thinks I'm ugly.

OK, yeah, I can see that.

All right, our dinner party guests should be here any minute. Wait, how are

going to believe this is your house? What about the store sign?

I just covered it with a giant banner.

Did you steal that from the children's hospital? People know about cancer.

Who's even coming to this thing?

Well, you know Orville Redenbacher? We got his grandson, Josh.

Also, M. Ron Hubbard, the French president's bizarrely older wife, the

Me Too'd Matt Lauer, and, of course, the heiress, Agnes R. Thurmuth. The heiress

to what fortune? Oh, yeah, I think I got it. Oh, no.

It might be all white people, Brian. I think I screwed up. Well, now you can't

post a group shot. Well, it wasn't on purpose. Those are just the people I

Why do I feel bad for getting my friends together?

Oh, thank God. What? Josh Redenbacher's girlfriend is black.

Group photo, everyone.

You have such a lovely home, and the layout is so interesting.

Well, every time we go on vacation, we seem to come home with another kitchen.

Brian, can I have a word?

It appears the French president's wife left a feces abnormal in the toilet just

off the third kitchen.

So? There's no plumbing. These toilets are just sitting on the floor.

You know what? I'll handle it.

Excuse me, everyone. Hi. As you're enjoying your endive salad, just a quick

of housekeeping.

Feel free to use any one of the 40 commodes on the premises, but please

that we're doing a one -and -done situation, so only use one that hasn't

previously used.

Wow, individual toilets.

How fancy.

My grandpa made popcorn.

Yes, Josh, you mentioned that. Crisis averted. If you'll excuse me, I'll go

check on our game hens.

Brian, may I have a word?

All right, so it seems that the game hens I put in the oven six hours ago are

still solid blocks of ice. Much like the toilets, the ovens appear to be just

objects on the ground.

Well, we could order food.

Uber Eats says Shake Shack could be here in an hour and 45 minutes. Should I

pull the trigger?

Brian, I'm on the verge of being invited to summer at the thermos estate on Lake

George. I'd be damned if I'm going to let them realize this isn't actually our

home. Stewie, darling, I hope it's not an imposition, but I invited my cousin

Ingeborg to join us. She's just in town for the weekend from Stockholm.

Right,

we gotta kill this bitch.

Look at us, Lois. Finally, empty nesters. Which brings me to my next

feel we've been growing apart for years, and I want to give it a go on my own

down at the marina. Peter, we're not empty nesters. Dewey's with Brian, and

Chris bent down to pick up his spoon.

The only one missing is Meg, and I am really worried about her.

You don't have to worry, Mom.

She's on her way to the Super Bowl to ruin Tom Brady's life.

How do you know that?

It's in her diary. Take a look.

I don't want to look at Meg's diarrhea.

No, her diary.

It's like a journal. I thought diary was the singular of diarrhea.

So the diary of Anne Frank was a book? Oh, boy, I owe the Museum of Tolerance

apology.

All right, I'd say she's neutralized.

Let's get back to the party.

All right, so we're just going to go straight to the dessert, which is

machine Reese's peanut butter cups. Just take one and pass it down.

Reese's peanut butter cup.

From Milan.

Ooh. Fancy.

Matt Lauer loves these.

Italy buys 16 metric tons of popcorn per year.

I don't have the context to know if that's a lot or a little, Josh. Well,

like to propose a toast to our two gracious hosts, neither of whom I know.

Wait, why is there a price tag under this glass?

Too bad, Agnes. We could have had fun at Lake George.

I tried 40 sinks, but I can't wash my hands.

What's this room?

Should have just sat there and ate your wreathles.

You know, Stewie, I can't talk to Josh Redenbacher about crypto again. Should

just call it and get out of here? Yeah, I already got the group photo.

Welcome to Super Sunday on Fox.

Tom, what do you think about today's game?

Yeah, good.

Should be some football. Come on, Meg. Where are you?

I'm in.

All right, Peter, we're coming up on the stadium.

Thanks for doing this, Quagmire. I gotta stop Meg before she ruins Tom Brady's

life. No problem.

Okay, here we go. Jump in three, two... You have a lollipop in your mouth?

No. No lollipops? What are you, the lollipop police?

Your Honor!

Why did you let me do that? I almost died!

Hey, Quagmire, have them open the dome.

They can't open the dome in the dome.

Well, you've done all you can.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, no!

I landed on Bill Belichick's girlfriend!

She's only a child!

And after this time out, the Chiefs are set up first and goal from the five.

While we have this break in the action... There's something important I

say. Meg Griffin, will you marry me?

Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

This woman smells like hot dogs!

Stop! Meg, don't ruin Tom Brady's life!

No, I gave my word, and I've always viewed myself as an honest and truthful

Except for Deflategate, Spygate, and when I promised my wife I'd retire and

played for seven more years.

So, yes, Meg, I will marry you.

Is this really happening?

Meg, you help me be a better announcer.

The least I can do is throw away the rest of my life for you.

Aww.

I go to bed at seven, and I don't eat cheese.

Oh, but I can eat cheese, right?

Nope. No cheese house.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I can't trap you into something you don't want to be a part of. You've got

rest of your weird life ahead of you. Thank you, Meg. And I really want you to

know... Hey!

I got the Seahawks ring, Meg. Let's go!

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Two of Quahog's movers and its only shaker were found bound and gagged at a

local furniture store earlier tonight.

Police suspect Matt Lauer may be involved, as one of the victims was his

accuser. I'm honestly fine with that.

Oh, boy.

What is it? Apparently one black person's not enough. Cleveland's

Instagram.