Original subtitles

Evening, Sheriff. Cold enough for you? Yeah, exactly how the holidays should

Hey, guys.

Happy holidays.

Yeah,

whatever.

What's up with them?

Yeah, they're cranky because we're snowbound, and their vacation plans are

pretty much ruined.

Oh.

Um, why don't you make a round of hot chocolate? Team coming.

You got it.

Hey, guys.

So, uh, stuck in Eureka for the holidays, huh?

I used to try to escape Eureka at Christmas until one year when I got

here.

Yep.

It was crazy.

Okay.

Gather around.

You can hear all about it. Do we have to?

Sure. Patch says yes.

It was deep in December.

And like every year, Zoe and I were heading out of town to spend the holiday

with family. Which was great, because it was one of the hottest Christmas weeks

Eureka had ever seen.

What's going on?

You can't leave, Sheriff.

No one in or out. The electromagnetic shield over Eureka is malfunctioning.

Doesn't look like anything.

Right now it's more electro than magnetic. It's getting worse.

You better shut that thing down.

And leave global dynamics vulnerable to the prying eyes of the rest of the

world?

Sorry, Sheriff, no can do.

So, we're trapped here for Christmas?

It's 85 degrees.

Dad, they're trying to fix it. Just let them.

All right, well, don't over -exert yourselves.

We'll make the best of it.

Merry Christmas!

I'm hot.

Wait,

so you make elf footprints?

You dip little sponges shaped like shoes in baby powder, and then you press them

on the floor around the presents.

You know what?

I'm boiling.

You can't let a little heat ruin your holiday. Today, I have strung up

cranberries. We have baked gingerbread. All right.

Feast your eyes, people.

Limited edition copper cast from My Secret Santa.

Oh, and he left this for you.

For me?

Wow, how cool.

You know who it is?

No, that's why he's a secret.

Open it.

Come on.

Oh, wow, the clash on vinyl.

I love them. I wonder who knew.

Not you.

Wow, come on.

No,

I couldn't have.

Nope, wasn't me.

Well, this is my little gift.

to all of you.

You say little?

Is that meatloaf? It's fruitcake.

It's... Oh.

Um... Yeah, I'm still digesting a piece from last year. No, no, no. Trust me.

This is like a little Christmas miracle.

Eat it. Eat it. Come on.

That, even the raisins are incredible.

I blended 96 different varieties, everything from Alexandralis to

do you get them all in one piece?

That, my friend, is the secret.

What's going on?

That's a code 12.

They're assault.

We have a bogey.

All right, everybody down, down.

Take cover.

All right, stay inside.

This is not a drill. Possible airstrike headed for town. Everyone get off the

streets now. Thank you. Get into position.

Thank you. Inside. Keep it going.

Everybody inside. Inside. Inside. Thank you. Betty. Clear. Clear the road.

Betty. What's up, Joe?

First someone messed with our EM shield. Now we're under attack.

From what?

DD radar detected an unauthorized vehicle in our airspace over town.

Bogeys cross the threshold.

Weapons hot.

Big Aims!

Seriously.

You don't believe me?

Where do I start?

One, reindeer can't fly.

Well, stranger things have happened in Eureka. Yeah?

And who was driving this tactical assault plane? I'm getting to that.

So, not every day you get to track down a runaway Santa. So Joe and I, we jump

at the chance.

I want nothing to do with this.

Oh, like I do.

Hey, down's your turf.

What's your trigger, Happy Santa? SWAT team invaded.

Sorry, Carter.

A holiday party starts soon at GED, and I'm on crowd control.

Oh, well, that's... Hey, shouldn't you guys be chasing down Kringle? No, what I

should be doing is drinking winter ale with your uncles, watching bowl games.

And by watching, he means arguing.

Yeah. Is there someplace else I can be useful, please?

Oh, I'm sure Allison could use some help at GED. A few people got banged up

avoiding Santa.

I'll take you. Perfect.

See you, Dad.

I'll give Santa my best.

Chase down a big, stupid Santa. It's like 900 degrees.

He's never going to get home. Just a fool. To the left. Yes, Chief. No, the

other left.

Relax, Fargo. It's just a party. No, it's the party. The time our GD family

comes together in the spirit of giving. More candles. It's the time all you

geeks fly your freak flags every year. No, that's Comic -Con.

Look, I've got a tight budget and a building full of people to feed. If we

low on latkes, believe me, things will get ugly. I will charge my taser.

Ah, security breach in sub lab 22.

I can't wait for this day to be over.

Hold it right there.

What do you think you're doing?

Hey, Jo.

Just taking my experiment home.

And you are?

Noah Drummer, condensed matter physicist.

Well, I'm sorry, Dr. Drummer. There's no authorization for you to take your

little ornament home.

Actually, it's crystallized hydrogen.

Can't leave it here unattended during the holidays.

Too unstable.

So you're shoving it into a sack.

Well, it's lined with non -ionizing fiber and red tungsten. If my ornament

not handled carefully, bad things could happen.

Yes, it's very menacing.

What is it for, anyway?

Just a little thing called peace on Earth.

It's an energy source.

Once fully formed, it'll provide limitless power, very cheaply.

One less reason for war.

Well, that is a very lovely concept, but nothing's going to happen to it here.

Not on my watch.

Not that I doubt your abilities, but I'd really prefer to keep it with me.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Doc.

Crystal stays here.

All right.

How's that?

Feels okay.

Mostly I'm starving.

Weird. Me too.

You know what? It must be Vincent's amazing hors d 'oeuvres we're smelling

the party.

You're all set. Thanks. Merry Christmas, Dr. Blake. Zoe. You're all set. Hi.

Hey. You okay?

Yeah.

It's just always the same thing every year.

Dad can't wait to go home, and it's always so much better in theory than in

reality.

I'm just actually really glad that we're stuck here. Me too. You know, we never

get to spend the holidays together.

The more, the merrier.

You really get into it, huh?

I just think we could all use a little more magic in our lives.

You know?

Hey, look. Secret Santa struck again.

What? When did that get here?

Open it.

Bunny slippers.

I used to have a pair of these when I was a kid. This is perfect.

I've got to find out who this guy is.

Kringle can run, but he can't hide.

Mr. Claus, I presume?

Mr. Claus?

Season's greetings, mate.

Taggart, do you have any idea what you've done?

You've damaged our EM shield.

Our EM shield?

I did not. I was held up in my lab running field tests.

Tests for what?

For science, mate.

On pioneering the field of scentology.

That's not a science.

It will be.

Nearly every culture has a myth about the man.

Santa Claus, Père Noël, Kris Kringle, Saint Nick.

I'm replicating everything he does and explaining it with physics and

technology. What about flying reindeer?

Holographic.

Misbehaving currently.

This little beauty runs on a pulsed detonation engine.

All weather resisted.

Use a state -of -the -art stealth technology to fly invisibly under the

Taggart, your giant red sled is neither stealthy

nor invisible.

Well, I've still got a few kinks to work out.

Now, be a Santa's little helper and give us a tow back to GD.

Cheers, mate.

Friends, colleagues, I started planning this party months ago, determined to

provide an unforgettable yet fiscally responsible celebration.

Today, we gather together... Save it, Fargo, we're starving.

Fine. And without further ado... Okay,

people, you've got two hours and fifty -eight... Eight minutes until I shut

place down.

Eat, drink, be merry.

It

was

light on Christmas Eve.

I was just a wee lad, more than seven, when I heard something and crept

downstairs.

That's when I saw him.

Just a glint, a quick flash of red by the tree. There, it was probably your

father in red pajamas.

One might think.

from Santa's trousers.

I've tested the fibres.

They're fire resistant.

Again, not Santa.

Red pyjamas.

Also been working on a gadget for easy chimney descension.

Fancy this.

Made it just for you.

It went all out.

Imagine all the presents Santa has to fit in his sack.

But by putting M -theory and the concept of 11th dimensionality into practice...

Ho, ho, ho, wait.

Santa's a physicist now?

Oh, he's very clever.

He temporarily shifts matter through the dimensional membrane.

That way, objects can lose mass by maintaining integrity.

Ho, ho, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Don't you want to open your present?

Set it there, mate.

Come on. Come on.

A can

of Christmas

cheer? Go on.

Pop the top.

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

They're programmed to your voice.

And they're yours for the day.

Every time you say, Christmas.

Thanks, Dagger, for making this a very creepy Christmas.

Oh, Christmas tree.

Oh, Christmas tree.

How faithful are thy branches.

Santology. Yeah, I think he's going for a degree.

I think about a minor in tooth fairy.

Myths and folklore come from somewhere, Carter. Some ancient cultures believed

that wrapping moldy bread on a wound would make it heal faster. Yeah, that's

ancient cultures died out. No, they didn't know that mold was penicillin and

fought off infection.

Yeah, we're talking about Santa Claus, not antibiotics. No, as scientists, we

have to explore all possibilities to be open to the what -if.

Right there, great.

Good.

Oh, hey, Lupo. You want to tell me what you want for Christmas?

This one's for naughty, and this one's for nice.

I'll pass.

Oh, come on.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

Seriously, you okay?

I have a town full of yahoos that I have to babysit. I am super.

Dagger, Santa.

You just wrecked Christmas with two words.

Why is it so hot in here? I don't know. The AC's cranked up to 11.

Hey, hang on a minute. Let me just grab a couple.

I just hope I made enough. This crowd is ravenous.

Great. More crystal lab issues.

You all want to know?

It's a tiny little glowy thing. I caught this strange scientist trying to take

it home earlier.

Well, this is GDB specific.

His name's Drummer?

Never heard of him.

Dr. Drummer?

I thought you said a little glowy thing.

Used to be.

This is unbelievable. Under normal conditions, it would take decades to

crystallize hydrogen into a sample this size.

Key word, normal.

Is it me, or is it already bigger?

Henry, what's going on? I don't know, but if it keeps growing at this rate,

it'll breach the lab in 20 minutes. We need to move it to a larger containment

unit. Dr. Dahmer said that it was unstable.

It's going to explode? Well, yeah, if it moves beyond the protective shielding,

it could fracture and boom.

Merry Christmas.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa -la -la -la -la, la -la -la -la.

Tis the season to be jolly. How do I turn this off?

Oh, hang on. They're pretty good. Henry! All right, all right. Fine, Dr.

Drummer. I'll supervise the transfer.

And maybe he can tell us why this is expanding.

Man,

I must be roasting. Tell me about it. I had to ice my hot toddies.

Hey, Zane.

Are you crying?

What? No.

No, I... I just got two tickets to see Springsteen at the Meadowlands.

Let me guess.

Secret Santa?

You too.

That's a perfect gift.

Man, this guy's good.

No one's even heard a drummer, but all through GD.

There are no personnel files for him. Well, that's impossible.

There's no way that he could have access to the lab, let alone get into G .D.

Well, we've got to find him. This experiment's growing.

Well, there has to be a way to track him down. The D .O .D. has files. There's a

glitch in the E .M. shield crash test server.

We're cut off from the outside world.

I'll find him. But if he goes to leave, he's going to hit a wall.

If it wasn't me, I thought Zane was my secret Santa.

And why would you think that?

Only someone who could hack my computer would know I've been searching the

Internet for years looking for this.

Steve Austin.

Better, stronger, faster.

Seriously?

It's authentic. Original hinges, not a chip on it. You have no idea how rare.

Okay, well, it wasn't Zane.

Well, then someone was thinking of me, and I'm going to find him.

Think and thank him?

So I can suspend him. No one hacks Fargo and gets away with it. Not even Santa.

Hello, Fargo.

Hi, Steve Austin.

Wow.

The crystal is safe in our largest containment lab, but I'd say

it's still growing.

What we need to do now is calculate the expansion rate.

Right, so we can figure out how much time we have before it outgrows this

This image represents the density of electrons within the crystal ten minutes

ago. Anything unusual?

No, but we'll know more once I do another diffraction scan as a

I don't care if we're on a wild goose chase looking for this missing scientist

at least a time away from that party.

You're not feeling the merry, huh? All the boozing and schmoozing, lights and

glitter. It's Vegas, not Christmas.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish I was home.

It's beautiful, Carter. I'm all misty.

You know what, Jerry? You got a heart of stone.

Oh, bah humbug. That's me.

Wow.

Boy, they look the same. Yeah, the intermolecular spacing is identical.

Henry, what if... Oh.

So the crystal hasn't changed.

No.

And something else has gotten way big.

Well, no.

It hasn't gotten bigger.

We've gotten smaller.

So what, the whole town was shrinking?

Oh, I'm telling it how it happened.

Even though it's totally bogus.

All right.

I'll let you guys come back and play a new video game. I won't wait any more of

your time.

Well, wait. I mean, you may as well just finish the rest of the story.

So, after we left the sign, we went back to global dynamics.

We and everything contained in the EM shield are getting smaller.

Why isn't the crystal shrinking?

Well, because it's one of the strongest brevet lattice atomic structures in the

universe. It's almost impossible to alter or compress.

But we get to shrink into microscopic dots of nothingness.

And as everything in Eureka gets smaller, the energy required to compress

radiates heat.

That was like a billion degrees in here? Yes, and while we've been so hungry,

our metabolism's working overtime.

So, what now?

Maybe someone outside of Eureka will see how small we are and try to help us.

Like a big -hearted elephant?

The road's closed, and nothing is getting through that EM shield.

It's a pretty bleak Christmas.

Five golden rings!

You must!

Stop!

What's causing the shrinkage? Yeah, I don't want to die a miniature, though

adorable version of myself.

A miniature?

Taggart.

Let's go!

Taggart?

Taggart?

Get me down.

Of course, the man himself packs a lot more paunch.

I'll need to widen the net.

You can't trap Santa Claus.

I'm Ahab.

He's my white -bearded whale.

FYI, that didn't turn out very well for either one of them.

Now, the present you gave me, the M tracking shifting...

Good things are coming from old packages.

No, it's a big mess. The whole town is shrinking.

You're joking.

Do I look like my joking face?

My device can't be responsible.

Are you kidding me? Look where you live. A device is always responsible.

The molecular transfer feels very precise.

Atom shift from our dimension in space -time to another.

Leaving us with this.

See? Tip -top. It's not my device.

That can't be good.

The transfer field's expanded beyond the target area.

Expanded by how much? Oh, roughly, um... the whole town.

Eureka's getting smaller by the minute. Looks like the only thing containing the

miniaturization effect is the EM shield.

And the EM shield is a big sparking mess right now.

I don't understand.

Unless it tried to miniaturize an item so dense it overtaxed the containment

unit. But I was very careful to avoid unusually dense material.

Unusually dense?

Like this?

I beg your pardon? You used Taggart's shrinking machine, didn't you?

I'm... I... I... I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, really?

Those little pieces aren't pieces at all, are they? They're entire fricking

cakes. Do you know how many calories I've ingested? I just... I just wanted

make a fruitcake that wouldn't be the object of ridicule. I mean, they get

a bad rap, Sheriff.

How'd you get in there?

The molecular gastronomy department across the hall. I consult from time to

time. Keep talking.

Well, I've re -shrunk each cake about a half a dozen times.

It's the only way to maximize the fruity, nutty goodness that is

Why are you looking at me like that? No reason. I'm so sorry, Sheriff.

You'd think a Santa lamp would be a safe place.

Thank you.

What's wrong now?

What isn't?

Hey, Joe, some stuff just blew into town.

Big stuff. Keep everybody inside, okay?

Hey, everybody, can I have your attention?

I need you to stay inside off the streets, please.

Everybody get off the streets.

You okay? All right.

So, I understand

we're all shrinking.

Dr. Drummer, where have you been?

Enjoying the party.

You messed up. There was fruitcake.

I'm aware.

Thanks.

Candy cane?

No, thank you. Look, there's a serious situation with your piece on Earth,

Crystal. The containment lab is closing in on it. I told you it had to be

protected. You were right.

And now you have to fix it.

I know.

Okay. When did you stop liking candy canes? Do you remember?

When I had to grow up.

I know the holidays can be tough on military families.

Can we go now?

Sure.

After you chose Athena.

If we can't shrink your crystal, Dr. Drummer,

it's going to blow our little bits to little bits.

Have faith, Dr. Taggart.

Once we boost the power, your device should be very effective.

But even if we shrink the crystal, we still have to unshrink us.

You'll figure out a way, Henry.

You always do.

Have we met before?

We've crossed paths a few times.

Hey, how much juice are you giving us?

A megawatt. Better double it.

Focused energy is the key.

You know, your crystal's electron density is very unusual. I mean, even

crystallized hydrogen.

Mm -hmm.

It has an extra element that makes it unique.

Dr. Drama, there shouldn't be secrets in science.

It shouldn't always be about science.

Some things are better left unexplained.

Sweetheart, just go ahead and eat what you want.

Yeah, listen, I made pudding, cake, four kinds of pies, and yeah, Jenna's

favorite is the apple.

I know, I know, baby. I'll be there as soon as I can.

I'm sorry.

I love you, too.

Okay, bye.

So, the three wise men are on it. We might actually put an end to this

day. Okay, Carter, we all know that you're miserable being stuck here, but

don't have to ruin it for the rest of us.

No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

I just like Christmas.

I know you do.

When you go all out, you're making four different kinds of pies.

You know, it's because I never had what you have.

Oh, I have.

I love how your family gets together to celebrate.

Oh. I just, I grew up with a more practical version of the holiday.

Practical?

My parents, they're wonderful.

But, well, they're scientists, so they put their faith in hard facts.

So, yeah, I got presents, but they weren't from Santa because my parents

that he wasn't real, and my gifts, they were never wrapped because that's a

waste of paper.

So I know that it sounds silly, but I want my kids to have what I miss. I want

the magic.

So I do too much.

I think you do.

This procedure is very risky. We have to shrink the crystal without making it

explode. We could have a front row seat for a new inflationary epoch.

A few moments after the Big Bang, the universe underwent an extremely rapid

expansion.

An expansion of what we're trying to do?

To us?

That's right.

We need to make it explode. That way we reverse the dimensional shunting.

Make us big again.

But we can't blow it up here.

The energy release will be massive. But no, no, no, no. If we shrink the crystal

and then detonate it at the highest point of the EM shield, it'll be like

throwing up a live grenade.

Yes, we need to see if she gets any smaller.

Fingers crossed.

Make a Christmas wish, mini -mates.

Get this puppy airborne.

What?

Gonna be a problem.

Heat plus shrinking equals not so healthy for our helicopters.

The rotors are completely warped.

Of course. Now we have no way to transport it. Well, there is one way,

But I'll need a little helper.

I'll fire her up.

I'm not wearing a pony hat.

Fa la la la la.

Lifetime from Anchorage to Sydney.

ON MY MARK!

much easier if only we'd gotten bigger but the trash stayed small as they leave

it till tomorrow it's been a rough day oh my planning what a fiasco are you

kidding fargo this was the best holiday party ever not that i got to enjoy it

thanks joe now go

everyone's at cafe d you're not coming

What are you talking about?

You know what kind of music I like.

And Allison's stories about Christmas as a kid.

And you've probably seen Fargo search the web a million times for his

Go away. But one thing that just didn't fit was that you hate Christmas.

But you don't, do you?

When I was a kid, my favorite thing to do was to give something special to

my brothers and just watch them light up when they open their gifts.

Okay, so now

they're all in the service in harm's way.

I haven't spent Christmas together in years.

Well, I'm glad that at least we get to spend it together.

Yeah, me too.

So what did you get for my dad?

He was tough.

But I think I nailed it.

Really?

How was your flight?

Bumpy. Yeah. So, Henry, are we bigger?

Back to normal.

Not quite.

Part of your crystal still seems to be up there.

Oh, look at that.

It's snowing.

The rapid expansion must have cooled the moisture in our atmosphere.

Henry, it's snowing. It's snowing.

Hi.

We haven't met. I'm... Jack Carter.

Yeah.

Holiday to remember, huh?

Even by Eureka standards.

You were supposed to be with your family.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was.

I'm glad it all worked out for you then.

Thank you, partner.

Oh, I'm on to you now.

Let him and me have a sit down.

I've got a lot of questions.

I'm afraid you're going to have to keep them because I've got an errand to run.

You can't leave.

I finally found you.

I'm not quite sure what you mean, but don't worry.

I'll be back.

Same time next year.

Sheriff Carter, please tell me that you're not suggesting that this drummer

dude... Is Santa?

I'm just sharing this story.

You guys can believe what you want.

Was any of that true?

All of it.

But here's the absolute truth.

Spending the holidays with friends and family in Eureka, that's the best gift

all.

Oh, man, way too sappy.

Seriously, I got a cavity.

Yeah, but it's a pretty decent story, dude. Thanks.

where every day we are presented with unique

challenges. But today, let's remember and

rejoice at how wonderful it is to be alive and how lucky we are to be

Here, here.

Cheers.

What is that?

I don't know. You better open it.

You know, we could probably make it home if you don't want to go.

We are home.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Merry Christmas.

Have yourself a merry little

Christmas.