Original subtitles

-(keys jingling) -(lock turns)

(sighs)

("Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler playing)

* Where have all the good men gone *

* And where are all the gods? *

* Where's the streetwise Hercules *

* To fight the rising odds? *

* Isn't there a white knight *

* Upon a fiery steed? *

* Late at night, I toss and I turn *

* And I dream of what I need *

* I need a hero... *

(chuckles) Perfectorooney.

Oh! Hmm.

*

BARB (imitating ghost): Ooh...!

(regular voice): It's a ghost!

(chuckles)

Nah, just kidding.

I'd like you to meet...

...Filmbert!

What is that?

Did you steal a checking machine from the airport?

He is an automated camera.

-Wait, what? -Sacramento chose our branch

to test this handsome little guy out.

It allows customers to take their own photos,

and it uploads them straight to the database.

-Isn't that neat? -No, that's not cool, Barb.

That's literally my job. What else am I supposed to do?

Oh, you can just, like, hang around here, and...

make sure customers know what button to press.

Are you kidding me? What, you want me to just stand around?

Or you can sit. Your call. Meanwhile,

it's my last day with the boot. I get it off today.

So, boop.

You want to get in?

Aah!

I can finally sleep laying down.

Whoo! Aah! Too soon, Barb.

(muttering) Whoa.

What is with the sweats?

Did you come from a "divorced dads

at soccer practice" meeting?

VIC: Or are you auditioning

-to play Black Rocky? -That's Creed.

-Oh, yeah. -GREGG: No,

I raced into work this morning

because Tanya bought me

a really nice gift for our anniversary.

Aw. That's so sweet.

No, it's not sweet.

We had a pact: no gifts.

And then I went to do my fake workout

in the garage this morning,

and I found a brand-new fly fishing rod.

Oh, and you love fishing.

This can only mean one thing.

It's an act of war.

Exactly. She's gonna lord this over me all year long,

unless I get her something better by tonight.

And I can't get anything delivered by then.

She's good. She's damn good.

Can I ask, what is the fake workout?

I take off my shirt and stare at myself in the mirror.

That's Renee friggin' Montgomery.

-Who friggin' what? -Renee Montgomery, former

-pro basketball player. -GREGG: Yeah, she played for UConn,

-WNBA, and don't say... -Aw, cute.

-...that. -COLETTE: Cute?

She's won multiple championships,

-and she co-owns the, uh, Atlanta Dream, right? -Yeah.

Wow. Look, I'm not one of those guys who thinks

he could beat a female professional athlete.

I know I could.

I played varsity hoops in high school.

All six years. (grunts)

-I'm so sorry. Can we... can we go back? -Mm-hmm.

You think that you could beat Renee Montgomery...

(laughs, snorts) Sorry.

...at basketball?

Colette, it's science.

Men are better athletes than women.

Yeah, just like men are better drivers,

and-and men are better at math.

And what else did you say the other day?

Uh, burping on command?

(burping): Science.

Well, that's disgusting on two levels.

-Gregg, back me up here, man. -Pass.

Which women can't do on the basketball court,

or in triglenom... or in "triglegeometry."

"Triglegeometry"? Triglegeom...? Trig...

Trigonom... "Triglenometry"?

Yeah, "tricklenometry." That's it. Say that.

-"Triglenometry." -Yeah. Don't hurt yourself.

*

AUTOMATED VOICE: ...at window number six.

You know, a quarter turn would really hide

that chin you've got. Just...

Okay. Fine.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Back up, buddy. Back up. All right. You think

you're better than me? Prove it, skank.

*

Ugh! They're all great.

You know what? You got lucky, okay?

I have perfect symmetry, so...

I see the two of you are getting along.

This is a disaster. How could you bring in the Terminator?

-Aw, I think he's cute. -Wake up, Barb.

This is just the beginning of robots replacing us.

What, did you grow up in a barn?

Hmm, not grow up, per se.

We did summer in one for a couple years.

Till the accident.

It's just a trial program, like the clinical study

we had to do after the accident.

Well, you should've told Sacramento no.

It's not that easy, Ceci, okay?

There's a lot to consider when you're manager.

Yeah, you should have considered us, your employees.

This is a delicate ecosystem, and it takes a lot of hard work.

You can't even fix the leak above window 11.

Uh, you think you can do a better than Barb?

Yeah, like I told you when you got manager instead of me.

But now that I've seen you do it for such a long time...

I'm certain of it.

-Then have at it. -Hmm.

I'm going to the doctor to get my boot off,

and you're in charge till I return.

Great. Love that for me.

Soon you'll see

that heavy is the chest that wears the vest.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving G-50 at...

Hey, yo, Adrian. (laughs)

Yeah! (laughs) 'Cause you...

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't get it, either.

Vic... Vic told me to say it.

What are you doing rummaging through the lost and found?

I'm trying to find a last-minute anniversary gift.

I could have sworn

there was a Citibank umbrella in here somewhere.

For your wife of 35 years?

-Yeah. -Gregg.

Oh, this will work perfectly. A radio.

No. That's a CPAP machine, mate.

Look, I'm a great gift-giver, okay?

-Hmm. -I'm gonna help you.

I will help you brainstorm.

-So, um... all right. -Okay.

-When you think about your wedding day... -Yeah.

what is the first word that comes to mind?

Why?

-(grunts softly) -Vickleback, wake up.

-Huh? -I told Renee that you said

you could beat her. Turns out she's free right now.

-Now? Now? -Yeah. I mean, I wanted

to get a workout in today, so I thought we'd play.

And then I'd work out.

You sure you want to hoop it up in the DMV parking lot?

Oh, no, no, no, she's down.

She is so down

that she's at the core of the earth, mining tungsten.

Someone left a Popular Science in the ladies room.

-Hmm. -RENEE: If I had a nickel for every time

a guy said that he could beat me,

I'd have an NBA salary by now.

Look...

would love, but I've got a slight footgear "ish."

If it weren't for these darn boots.

-They're gator, so... -Oh, they're gator.

-They're gator. -Gator skin boots.

-No worries. -I know. Ugh.

Because she has a spare pair of sneakers.

Turns out you're the same size.

-Let's go. -I don't want... Aah!

Gator boy.

-Hmm? -Okay. Okay.

Cool. Sounds good.

-Does sound good. -VIC: Get some cardio.

Yes...

No! How is it tied?

(Vic grunting)

That's game. Aw.

Yes. Come on, Renee.

-That's my girl. -RENEE: I got you.

-Please. -RENEE: Let's go.

COLETTE: Crush him. Kill him. You can do this.

-(grunts) Ha! Yes! Here we go. -What?

-(chortles) -All right, you got lucky.

Where I come from, there isn't any luck.

Just hard work, dedication.

This is a free workout, boy.

Rip, tear and repair. You know what I'm saying?

-RENEE: What are you talking about? -No, no, no.

Oh! That's game. Whoo!

That's what I'm talking about.

Uh. Uh.

Oh, men are back, baby!

Men are back. Woo-hoo!

-Go back. Uh. -Yeah.

-Oh, my God. -I don't even know what this is.

*

Ah. Papa's home.

How'd your little management experiment go?

You need a shoulder to cry on?

This vest is moisture-wicking.

Oh, hi, Barb. Good to see you back on two feet again, but, uh,

no, all's good in Ceci's hood.

Why's it so quiet, and... (sniffing)

Why does it smell like I'm getting a massage at the mall?

Oh, that would be the calming diffusers I put out.

Yeah. Bergamot to provide optimism.

-It's already taken hold. -Uh, would you...

Thank you.

Sweet Kevin Bacon.

Humanity in the waiting area?

-Mm-hmm. -MALE BRITISH VOICE: Now serving C-49

at window number three.

Is that Peppa Pig's dad?

I changed the PA system

to something a little more charming.

You know? It's called superior management.

Oh, I also staggered the break schedule.

The employees love it.

Well, anyone can handle a few hours in the saddle, okay?

(chuckles) It takes time to gain management muscle.

And apparently, calf muscle.

-Aah! Barb. -Ugh.

Drop those curtains. I don't need to see that.

(shudders)

You really don't think I could handle more?

How about you give me till the end of the day?

Unless you feel... threatened?

(laughs)

Unthreatened is my middle name.

Not legally. It's Jason.

Okay, great.

So, uh, you go, rest that foot.

There's got to be something I can do to help.

Why don't you babysit R2-D2 over here? Bye.

The average wait time is nil minutes.

Cheerio.

The... Is the hoop regulation or...?

I just... 'Cause I kind of thought...

I mean, do you think Vic bought it?

I wanted to give him

one win before... the end.

The end?

Vic's dying. He told me on the court.

It's so sad.

That is...

amazing!

(laughing): Oh, yes.

(laughing): Why are we celebrating?

You really don't have a picture

-of the two of you that you can frame? -No.

Tanya doesn't like the way her arms look in pictures.

-(scoffs) -Or my face.

What about a-a bouquet of roses?

Roses? Are you kidding me?

Then she'd have to wash out a vase.

-I'll never hear the end of it. -Dude.

Dude, I thought you were good at this.

-This only leaves one option. -Okay.

-You write her a card. -A card?

You mean, like, with words?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Ugh.

You tell her how you feel.

How her beauty and her grace

is unparalleled.

And how taking this ever-winding journey together

is the best decision of your life.

Hmm.

Ooh.

-A Hello Kitty watch from a claw machine. -(scoffs)

This is what I'm talking about.

-(scoffs) -Words.

Ugh.

So you're gonna come up here, and then you're g...

Yeah. Then you're gonna press that but...

-Okay. -(camera shutter clicking)

Good job. (laughs)

Hmm. Not great to feel unneeded, is it, Barb?

As long as the customers are happy.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Hey, hey. Hi. Can I share?

This has been such a pleasant experience.

-Thank you. -Thank you. -I was here last month,

and it was, like-- ugh-- hell on Earth.

But today has been such a delight. Hard rec.

-Aw. -Aw. -Seriously, last time,

it was, like, worse than the post office.

Okay, thank you, ma'am.

Thank you so much for your comment. Take care.

-Yeah. All right. -No worries, Barb.

It's just a trial program.

You're only killing it because of the delicate ecosystem

that I created.

And can un-create.

(snickers)

Oh, sorry, Ceci.

Let's see how you manage now.

(chuckling)

D'oh! Winona Ryder!

-(man groans) -Oh, my God. Sorry, Ken.

VIC: Ugh.

This must be so awkward for you.

Mm. What can I say, Vic, other than you were right?

You are better than a legendary WNBA player.

She did come close.

You gals will get there someday.

-You good? -Awesome Town 5000.

It's so weird, because Renee said you're dying.

Colette, there's something that I need to tell you.

(coughing)

Oh.

Get out. We got a rematch.

-Your ball, little man. (laughs) -(groans)

(wheezing): Is that all you got?

(laughing)

BARB: Ugh.

It's like a pixie stick

compared to a hot dog.

-It's like this one's feeding off that one. -CECI: Barb?

Barb! Quick! (groans) Your turn to manage again.

-Oh. Come into some trouble? -Yeah.

It's, uh... it's giving Walmart on Black Friday out there.

BARB: Oh, no, Ceci.

There's a stampede. What happened?

Oh, well, the leak stopped, so I reopened window 11, and now

everybody's fighting over who gets to sit there, and...

-I was here first. -BARB: Because

window 11 is the best seat in the house,

because you can feel the AC

but you can also connect to the Costco Wi-Fi.

-I-I didn't think of that. -Of course, because

everyone's fighting, and no one's covering their windows.

I know, and the customers are yelling at me,

"I hate you, manager!" And you know what?

I'm losing my voice yelling back at them.

And I just... I thought I could handle this.

I guess being manager

is not as easy as you thought.

So, the lesson we learned today is...

I suck.

Ceci, no.

Hoover Dam it, Barb.

You Barbed too hard, as usual.

(sighs)

Oh, please let this be my Groundhog Day.

*

* Run it up, run it up *

* Run it up, run it *

* Go, go, go, go, go... *

Yes, Renee. You're my girl.

Get it going. Let's get it going.

Vic, let's see some hustle.

* They might call me a winner *

* Knock 'em down yelling "timber"... *

-(grunts) -Too easy.

* In the post, I deliver *

I, uh, took the liberty of wrapping the watch for Tanya.

And I thought I would include some kind words, as well.

GREGG: Wow. Noa,

this is actually really nice.

But turns out Tanya didn't get me the gift.

The fishing rod belongs to my brother.

-What? -Yeah, he accidentally sent it to my house.

-You can still give it to her. -And what,

set a precedent? What's next, Christmas, birthdays?

-Hey, Gossip Girls, there's a game to watch. -What?

Vic is getting destroyed.

* Run it up, run it up... *

-Oh. -Oh. -Hot.

I need a time-out.

-Yeah, we get one, right? -(Colette laughs)

What?

-Come on. It's ten-nothing. -Yeah.

-Let's just call it. -No, no, no.

No mercy. Not-not for him.

I mean, I feel bad.

I think he actually might die now.

You're going to leave this place,

but then I have to stay here,

working with him, listening to him

go on and on about how women can't drive,

they can't take a joke, they can't open a jar

of peanut butter. I mean, I had

just put on lotion. (sighs)

I know this is just a game.

But I am, like, the only female driving examiner here,

and so it...

This really means something to me.

You know? And...

I got you.

Let's go.

-Oh. So strong. -Yeah.

Let's go, gator boy.

-Let's go. -COLETTE: Time-out's over, honey.

Shot clock's on.

Okay. (panting)

I get... That's...

Come on. (grunting)

Aah!

Oh, my God.

-Are you okay? -Colette.

-It's my ankle. -Oh, no.

You're gonna have to finish him.

No. No. I'm... I'm not a baller.

-I'm-I'm a driving examiner. -Look, you're up by ten.

You only need one basket.

-And one basket is-is... -Okay, listen.

I can say this because I have a longstanding relationship

with the brand. Just do it.

Give me the ball.

You got this.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Okay.

-I can do it. -Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

-So, you're subbing in for her? -Yeah.

-(laughs) -Yeah, I am.

-Sweet. -Watch this.

Okay.

*

-(thud) -(car alarm wailing)

-(Vic chuckling) -Sorry.

Oh. This is gonna be great.

Is that your Jetta?

Hey, I saw six of those bags

in the trash on the way in.

And, no judgment, I just wanted to see if you're okay.

I failed my real estate exam.

-I found out this morning. -Real estate exam?

-I thought you were trying to be a court stenographer. -No.

-I could never find parking downtown. -Oh.

Besides, that was, like, two things ago.

God, I thought I at least had this job,

and then in comes your robot friend.

He's not a friend, he's just an employee.

Well, he's better at taking photos than me,

and you're better at managing than me.

Actually, I'm not, Ceci.

I fixed the leak on purpose.

I knew what was gonna happen.

Wait. You sabotaged me?

I felt threatened.

Which is probably what you felt

-about the photo machine. -Yeah.

Barb, if he takes my job, I don't know where I'm gonna go.

You're going nowhere.

And I mean that in a positive way.

Hey, you will always have a place here.

And if you are interested

in management, I will recommend you up the chain.

Aw. Really?

Hard pass. Your job is a nightmare.

Oh, my God. All the complaining.

I mean, people have all these wants and questions

and-- ugh-- ideas. Are you kidding me?

No thank you. No. I just gave up.

I let everyone go watch Vic play basketball

against some WNBA player out back.

-What? -Yeah.

What's her number?!

-Of her jersey. -She wasn't wearing her outfit.

Aw.

I don't see your friend anywhere.

She got hurt.

Oh! Renee Montgomery! Oh...

This might sound weird, but

is there an age cap for towel girls?

-COLETTE: No! -(Vic laughs)

GREGG: You know, I was thinking, I'm gonna give this gift

to Tanya after all.

I can't wait to see the look on her face.

I-I think you mean,

"I can't wait to see the look on her face."

No. You know the feeling of inadequacy I've had all day?

Well, if I give her this present,

she'll feel that way all year.

It's the gift

that keeps on not giving.

Maybe I don't want to get married.

No. You do.

(Vic grunts)

-(Colette whining) -(chortling)

Whoopsie!

That's ten in a row.

All tied up.

-You got this, Colette. -I don't. I don't at all.

VIC: Next bucket wins.

You want this?

-Yeah, I do. -Too slow. No. Uh-uh.

Oh, you want it? Just take it.

-Don't you want it? Well, then just... (grunting) -Give me the ball.

-Whoa. -Oh, come on, get up.

-(gasping, exclaiming) -Oh, my God!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who shot that?

You did!

Oh, my God. I won!

-No. -I won! I won!

You're the oldest little girl I ever inspired.

I'm gonna be a good sport about this.

No.

Starting tomorrow. I win. You lose.

I'm the best. You suck!

Eat it.

Yeah. Who am I?

Who am I, riding a little pony?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, my God.

Can't believe I spent all day at the DMV.

(chuckles)

I got to get out of here.

Okay.

Wait, did she fake her injury so that I could have a win?

Okay, women are awesome. (chuckles)

VIC: Renee. Hey, Renee.

-Will you sign my ball? -Oh, yeah, no problem.

Thanks.

-Here you go. Yeah. -Thanks.

"Loser"?

God, I love her.

Ooh, Ceci. Glad I caught you.

I've been thinking, and...

I should have fought harder against the photo machine.

No, it's okay. I realized you're in a really tough spot

-as manager. -I don't think

Big Sac's gonna take Filmbert back,

but I do happen to be very accident-prone.

Oh, I know. We all know.

You've had your foot in a boot for a year 'cause you stepped

-on a rock weird. -Which is why

it wouldn't be that odd if I were to be walking by

and suddenly...

(rocking, creaking)

(groans) Aah! Carmen San Diego!

-Oh, my God, Barb! Is that your good foot? -Ow!

Yow!

Oh, just got the boot off!

Roll him off me!

Call Barb Sr! (shrieking)

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