Original subtitles

-(humming softly) -(Ceci sputters)

That's what happens when I go anywhere with--

Morning!

-(groaning) -Whoa.

It's too much.

Yeah, it's, like, a thousand degrees outside.

-Just chill. -Sorry.

A bit hard to chill after what happened with Noa

at the bar last night.

-What? -Oh! Some rubby-touchy,

-squeezy-squeezy? -Better.

We had nine and a half minutes of very connected conversation.

-Nope. -Sad. -Unsubscribe.

CECI: God, I should not

have done all of those shots with Barb last night.

What? I did shots with Barb last night.

(Barb groaning loudly)

-Oh, my God. -Oh, dear. -Lordy be, Gordy.

Team, gather round. Come on.

-(Barb clears throat) -Mm. -Okay.

-COLETTE: That's sad. -Is she in the same thing as yesterday?

-(grunts) -COLETTE: Barb?

You okay?

Quit screaming and I will be fine.

(Barb groans)

Okay, as the consultants said,

the state is going to be cutting

one of the four Hollywood DMVs this year.

Long story short, things are getting hairy

-up in Big Sac. -Mm. -"Big Sac"?

Yeah, that's what she calls the DMV headquarters in Sacramento.

-She does realize "Big Sac"-- -No. Mm-mm.

Barb is a sweet baby angel.

Sexual innuendo goes right over her head.

Now Big Sac is sensitive,

so we're gonna have to massage things

or we're gonna get the shaft.

Okay, I see now. It's quite entertaining.

-Mm-hmm. -BARB: Now, we have to limit

customer complaints,

but that's gonna be a challenge today,

'cause it's gonna be hotter than Mars.

Actually, Mars is 200 degrees below zero.

Same temperature as my marital bed.

BARB: I know customers

-are gonna be cranky today. -COLETTE: Yeah.

Or we could give people the benefit of the--

(pounding)

Just give us a minute!

But under no circumstance should anybody touch the AC.

NOA: Okay.

Why?

'Cause, new dude, this is the DMV.

God forbid we do anything that costs Sacramento money.

Don't worry, I'll put in a request

for the state-approved HVAC guy who is allowed to lower the AC.

-Mm. -BARB: Right after

I call the bar to see if they found my retainer.

Unless anybody has it?

-No. I don't have your retainer. -No. -No.

Yeah. Uh. Uh...

-Dismissed. -Thank you.

-Um, good morning. -Morning.

NOA: We're still on for Saturday, right?

-S-- Yeah. (laughing) -Yes. All right.

-Have a good day, everyone. -You, too. -VIC: See you.

Did I hear "Saturday"?

Mm-hmm.

-That's not a workday. -Yeah.

I didn't want to jinx things, but...

Mama's got a date.

-(chuckles) -Ooh, are you gonna go to the land down under?

Gross. He's from New Zealand.

Which is in?

GREGG: Anyways,

what are you guys gonna do?

Movie? Dinner?

Petco. Actually, not Petco.

Outside Petco. A parking lot.

He's gonna swing by and meet my foster dog.

Sounds like if anyone's on a date,

-it's Noa and the pupper. -No,

it's totally a date. I'm gonna wear my grandma undies

just so I'm not tempted, you know.

Take things nice and slow.

TMI.

Well, it's 8:00.

-(door rattling) -It's time to open...

-the joy factory. -(yelling)

(people shouting)

Welcome to the DMV.

Please form an orderly line.

* *

Hey.

Oh, this is for stray cats.

I-I don't drink out of tiny bowls.

(laughs) That's crazy.

I was actually coming in to get some water

for the cats, too.

No way. You're messing with me.

-Don't. People do that here. -No, for real.

With the heat outside, it's gonna be a tough day

for the little kitties. Is--

is it okay if I help?

-Yeah, go for it. -Okay.

(water running)

I am most worried about Leonard.

Leonard? Who's--

He's, uh, the black and white one with the brown patch

on his nose. Very vocal.

Oh, you mean Mewan McGregor.

Yeah. He specifically hates being called "Leonard."

Oh, my God.

-My apologies to Mewan. -(laughs)

-(Colette chuckles) -So you, uh,

-you foster dogs... -Mm-hmm.

...and you look out for street cats.

Bit of a softy, huh?

-Guilty. -(both chuckle)

No. Hey. Me, too.

But don't tell anyone.

I'm trying to establish myself

as the office alpha.

Um... earrings and sandals.

-Oh... -I think you're there.

Okay. Thank you. (grunts)

(Colette chuckles)

Oh, shoot. I--

Yeah, I'm late.

-Yeah? -Late for a driving test.

-Uh, okay. Okay. -I gotta go.

Why don't you load me up?

-You sure? -Yeah.

Yeah. I used to wait tables.

At a cat café?

-(laughs) -(laughs)

Awesome.

Okay, bye.

Okay.

Wow, you really are just gonna leave me here.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that you had it--

You are fun to mess with.

-(snorts) -(Noa laughs)

-See you. -Bye.

* *

(groans)

(indistinct chatter)

(baby fusses)

Yuk city.

-Ugh. -Hi.

Ugh.

Smells like my meemaw's wheelchair.

Barb must've moved the outside line inside.

-'Cause of the heat. Mm. -Smart.

That way, if there's a fire, we'll bottleneck

at the door and all die

-a slow, agonizing death. -Yeah.

-Which, to be fair, we're kind of already doing. -(baby crying)

COLETTE: Look at that poor woman.

Do you think I should help her?

We work at the DMV.

Helping people is not our job.

-COLETTE: She has a baby, Gregg. -VIC: Ugh! Could be

a fake. We've seen it before.

-Drop hot coffee on it? -Yep.

Stop.

-Hey, can I help you? (chuckles) -Yes.

Um, I have to return this extra plate,

uh, but I didn't realize it'd be so busy.

-(chuckles) -We're sleep training,

so if I don't get her in her Snoo

in a dark room with white noise machine

in 41 minutes, then we miss the window.

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I have not slept in a year.

It's okay.

-(gasps) Isn't she cute? -(cooing)

-(chuckles) -And real!

-Mm. -COLETTE: Follow me.

JACQUI: Thank you.

Hey, Carl.

Will you help this mom for me?

Absolutely.

-Just rebooting. -Awesome.

Hey, Noa. (chuckles)

(Barb groans)

I want to die.

Maybe you can go home and sleep it off.

Noa, I am manager now, okay?

We're taking it on the chin from Big Sac.

We need a battle-tested professional at the wheel.

So sorry. Can I just grab this toilet paper?

Oh. (chuckles)

I woke up at the bar.

Didn't have time to go home.

Took a little bath in the gas station sink.

-Mm. -(Carl shrieks)

Ugh, I already entered my username!

Why does it keep doing this?

Why does it keep doing this?! Just work!

Work!

-(baby fussing) -(keys clacking) -Oh, my God!

(laughing maniacally): Oh!

Hey, hey, hey. New guy at Window 8 is washing out.

*

-I gotta see this. -GREGG: Oh, oh, oh.

COLETTE: Oh, my God. Me, too.

(shrieks)

I hate this place!

-I hate you people! -Yeah!

-Get specific! -(yelling continues)

Details, baby!

I'm just a human being

-trying to get by! -(laughs): Yes.

You want distribution?

How's this for distribution?

(grunts)

You're all animals!

Already am a...

(Gregg laughing)

(laughs): Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

(groans) I hate this chair.

Man, Carl just... snapped.

-It was pure magic. -(chuckles)

-I mean, it was his third Wednesday. -BARB: Hey,

Wash Out Wednesday's not a thing, Ceci.

It's a DMV myth.

Yeah, like timely paychecks

and respect from your fellow humans.

CECI: Uh-uh. It's a real thing.

Third Wednesday in is when you either quit or commit.

Yeah. Carl really committed.

He took off all his clothes.

Ugh.

What's the opposite of manscaping?

Ugh, that reminds me-- I got to go vacuum.

My third Wednesday, some lady threw her purse at me.

I almost quit and became a crime scene photographer,

a job that would have both satisfied my gift

for photography and crime-solving.

But I stayed.

And I kept the purse.

Christian Dior. (chuckles)

I don't know who that is.

I guess I never thought about washing out.

I mean, the benefits are so great,

and you guys are like my f--

Family, yeah. You know, every day

is a Wash Out Wednesday for me.

I'm always this close to handing in my resignation.

Go ahead. Look in my drawer.

-These are divorce papers. -The other drawer.

COLETTE: Wait,

didn't Noa and Carl start on the same day?

Which means I need to charge my phone,

'cause we might have a double washout situation.

-Ooh. -COLETTE: No, no,

no, no, no. Noa can't quit!

I mean, we can't lose another documents processor.

There's documents that need to be processed.

Okay, we all know if you make it through your third Wednesday,

you're basically here until--

Until you die.

COLETTE: Yes. So we just have to get Noa

through today. So what do we know?

-He loves surfing. -Mm-hmm.

Um, saxophone.

Mm, he also hates the heat.

-How do you know that? -Because, Colette,

I'm an incredible detective.

Also, he keeps saying, "I hate the heat."

But the HVAC guy could be days away.

Okay.

Operation Cooldown.

Let's go around the horn.

What's everybody got?

-I got-- -Not you.

Ooh, I got an idea.

Yes! Gregg came to play.

Leggo, my Greggo.

-What if... -Mm-hmm.

...you stay in your lane?

VIC and CECI: Mm. Yes.

Mm, yes, I'm not following.

I just think that you tend to meddle

in other people's beeswax.

(scoffs) I don't meddle.

Name one time.

Okay, I'll go.

How about when you brought my baby sister here?

Yeah. You hadn't spoken in years, Ceci.

-It was wrong. -It was on purpose.

And now, because of you, we're super close again.

Do you know how much I hate that?

GREGG: Look, my point is

that you can't stay in your lane.

And when you drift, you cause damage.

Damage.

If Noa quits, he quits.

Just stay out of it.

Okay.

I can stay in my lane.

Look, look, I'm in my lane.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a driving exam...

to go to.

Peace.

CECI: Mm, does she really have a driving exam?

No.

Apologies. Just a second.

It's here somewhere.

-(loud whirring) -Hey!

Whoa. Hey.

-Hey, hey, hey! -You got a fan!

Can you maybe not do that, please? Please!

I turned it up. I'm so sorry.

I'm just-- I'm trying to find this lady's driver's license

amid the carnage of my mate's mental breakdown.

The unhinged guy had it in his hand

-when he went crazy. -(sighs)

Oh, no. He seemed pretty calm when he left.

Yeah. After the police tased him.

You know, when that first Taser probe hit, I thought,

"Save those moves for the holiday party, buddy."

I just can't believe he snapped like that, you know? It's...

I kind of get it, but--

Do you? I don't.

I don't know why anyone would leave your job.

I mean, who doesn't love, you know,

processing documents?

I'm sorry. I-I can't even think straight.

Where's this HVAC guy? Is he...

This heat's killing me.

You know what, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna see if I can...

-do something for you. -Thank you.

(sighs)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving 85...

(loud chatter)

Okay.

You're no HVAC expert,

but, 20 minutes ago, you learned it was called "HVAC."

* *

(air conditioning whirring)

Problem solved.

Hi.

Was your driving test in there?

It's cooler already. You can thank me later.

Okay? (chuckles softly)

(Gregg chuckles)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving--

(people groaning)

GREGG: Oh.

Thank you, Colette.

* *

-(loud chatter) -JACQUI: Excuse me.

-Sorry, it doesn't work-- -Excuse me. It's my turn.

I need my license back.

The sleep window is closing.

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

Everyone, the automated number system,

it reset itself when the power went out.

-We're trying to sort it. -(groaning)

BARB: 148.

149.

Okay, that is good enough. (chuckles)

-Pass 'em out. -Ooh.

I'm gonna sell 'em.

-Oy. -Thanks for your patience, everybody!

Just take some deep breaths! We're getting it squared away!

Figured out your problem.

Someone messed with the AC.

Mother of gosh!

That's why they tell you not to touch it.

GREGG: Oh,

we were told.

Who did it? Just come forward.

Your punishment will be harsh but fair.

Especially if you had a good reason.

BARB: Oh, it's definitely gonna be harsh.

But first we got a bunch of stuff we got to do

after a power outage.

Oh, is there anything in there

that doesn't involve me being around people?

Uh, cleaning out the fridge?

Dibs. Maybe I'll eat something and die.

BARB: Perfect.

Whoo!

(groans)

Shirt monster got me.

BARB: Um. Come on, Vic.

Will you put your shirt on?

We're not getting shut down because of those nipples.

Actually, it's "nipple."

This one's a tattoo to cover an old lacrosse injury.

Some idiot touched the AC.

-And I already have a prime suspect. -Huh.

(quietly): It's Vic.

-Vic? -Do you remember earlier he said he runs hot?

And just now he came out here with his shirt off.

-Did you notice that? -Shirt off, yeah.

-It's him, it's him. Mm. Yeah. -(Noa groaning loudly)

Stop! Everyone just stop!

(groaning loudly)

Oh, my God.

He's Carling.

Uh, grapes with hair on them.

Cool.

Noa's gonna wash.

He-he-he made the sound.

He's pulling out his hair. What do I do, Gregg?

Ooh, I-I-I could pull the fire alarm.

Haven't you done enough already?

Chicken bones wrapped in a napkin.

That's important.

You're right.

The fire alarm hasn't worked in years.

You know, you're being kind of selfish.

Selfish?

I am concerned for a coworker.

They dragged Carl out of here on a gurney.

I don't see you calling his wife and kids.

Well, excuse me.

At least I care about something.

I mean, is there anything that you care about?

Yeah.

I care about not getting salmonella

from whatever just made my glove sizzle.

Listen, forget about Noa.

Just go do a driving test.

Enjoy some working AC.

That's it!

You're a genius, Gregg.

Yeah, well, I'm definitely smarter than whosever

-refrigerating their insoles. -Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Those are prescription. Please don't throw them out.

-Tuck 'em in. -Okay.

COLETTE: So my road test is over here.

Hey, thank you for inviting me for a ride.

That's fine. You know, before, when I said,

"Do you want to ride me?"

that wasn't a-- like, a slipup.

That was just slang for "Do you want to ride with me?"

-'Cause I figured you could use a break. (chuckles) -Ah, okay.

Uh, hey. (chuckles softly)

I should probably get your number,

right, so we can coordinate Saturday?

-Yes! -(chuckles): Okay.

(chuckles): Yes.

Maybe you could ride me.

-(laughs) -Uh, okay. It's a date.

(laughing)

Okay.

-Once you... -MARY: No way!

-(laughs) -Hello.

I-I know you, right?

Topanga Beach, a couple months ago?

NOA and MARY: Night surfing with ten-foot swells.

(chuckles)

We wiped out and lost each other.

-I was so worried about you. -(laughs)

MARY: I was really worried about you.

-But here we are. -(laughs): Yeah.

Here we are.

Wow.

So that's eight-one-eight...

Sorry, what?

Eight-one-eight.

-Don't worry. Just... -Oh!

-So sore. Ripped right through my wetsuit. -(laughs): Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. -Total wipeout.

-Wow. -(chuckles)

Well, you know what, you're a tough guy.

I'm sure you got right back on.

It just made me really appreciate life, you know?

Yes. Exactly.

That is so real.

-So real. -Kid in the road!

Whoa!

-I didn't see a kid. -Me neither.

Well, there could've been one, and you would've smushed it.

Honestly, guys.

Can you sit back?

-This is a test. -Oh.

Sorry.

And why are we throwing away

this perfectly good cottage cheese?

That's milk.

Well, if it's from a cow,

it's going in this steer.

(chuckles)

(sniffs, groans)

It is bad out there.

The whole room smells like my hockey gloves.

(sighs) Have you seen Noa?

I bet Colette has.

Great. Noa's gone, my head is pounding,

and all these complaints are gonna make Big Sac really testy!

The refrigerator job was sold on the premise of solitude.

Ugh. (snorts, sighs)

(sighs)

What's this? Salad dressing?

Fecal swab sample.

And I am done.

* *

(laughs): Yeah.

Boom. Another masterpiece.

NOA: This is wild.

I mean, if you think about it,

if it weren't for you,

I would've never have seen her again.

Yeah. I actually have thought about it.

-Just the universe, eh? What a-- what a crazy ride. -Crazy ride.

NOA: Congratulations!

Let's go, Mary. Let's get your license.

All right. Bye, Colette. I hope to see you again soon.

(chuckles): Oh, great.

-She's so beautiful. -CECI: Yeah.

And that hair.

It's very selfish that she hasn't cut it off

and donated it to charity. Right?

It's kind of funny that you happen to mention hair, Colette.

Because I was wondering if you happened to know

how I found these two blonde

mousy ones in the thermostat closet today.

-I don't know. Yeah. -BARB: Colette?

Did you take Noa on a driving test?

-I did not authorize that. -GREGG: Uh,

hey, Barb? This lady was returning

her plate,

and apparently Carl lost her license.

If you were just here to return a plate,

why didn't you put it in the drop box?

COLETTE and JACQUI: There's a drop box?

-Oh, my... -GREGG: I told you.

Stay in your lane.

Yeah. You did.

And I didn't, because I'm me.

And me ruined her day and your day

and everybody's day, because, yeah,

it was me.

I lowered the AC,

and I caused the power outage.

And apparently my hair is falling out. But, hey,

at least I drove Noa

into the arms of his perfect woman!

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving...

(groans loudly)

(groaning)

Here's the estimate to fix everything.

What?

Our branch is already on the chopping block.

I can't slap Big Sac with this.

Oh, you don't have to.

Oh, thank--

-I already did. -(angry chuckle)

Gah. Great lakes.

(Barb groaning)

Hey! Your license.

I must've missed it while I was vacuuming up Carl's curlies.

Silver lining. (chuckles)

This isn't me.

Just take it.

Okay.

Next. No. Her, boss.

It's not mousy.

It's butterscotch wheat.

GREGG: Colette.

-I am not gonna let you wash out. -(sighs)

No, it's okay.

You don't have to come in here.

(sighs)

Well, you're right.

I mess up everything 'cause I can't stay in my lane.

Do you remember when you surprised me with a cake

-on my birthday? -Yeah.

You were furious because you didn't want everyone to know

you were turning 60, but...

There were so many candles on that damn cake

that it set off the sprinkler system

and we got to go home early.

-Yeah. -I got to watch

a whole hour of Mighty Trains before Tanya got home.

It was the best birthday of my whole life.

Okay, so I was accidentally helpful one time.

But, clearly,

I can't stop myself from getting in everyone's way.

-And that's what makes you you. -(sighs)

And I need you here.

Because there is something that I care about.

Aw.

Me?

-It's not caring. -Oh.

And the only way I can not care

is if you care enough for the both of us.

Aw.

I think.

The only thing worse than visiting the DMV

is working in the DMV.

And you make that...

almost tolerable.

Trying not to cry.

(both chuckle)

Look, I'm-I'm sorry about Noa.

Yeah.

That was never a date, was it?

But, you know, I'm-I'm beginning to think the only way

he's gonna figure out that I'm the best

is if he tries everyone else out there first.

Wow.

You really never give up.

Yeah. Thank you.

-No, it's not a compliment. -Oh.

-Felt like one. -Want to talk about

-those medicated insoles? -Nope.

-COLETTE: Poop? Right in the fridge? -GREGG: Yep.

-(Colette screams) -Oh, my God!

Colette! No! Don't leave us!

She's not leaving us!

-Don't do that. -Well, then, let me finish.

I wrote a little something.

Okay.

"Colette.

"The 'C' stands for 'cool.'

The 'A' stands for 'awesome.'"

-It's an "O." -"The 'L'--"

-"O"? -"O."

It kind of needs to be an "A" or the whole thing falls apart.

-(clicks tongue) -Well...

I'm parched. You guys want to go get bobas?

-Yeah. Sounds good. -Yeah.

I'm gonna get a Thai iced tea with extra balls.

-Yeah. -Shotgun!

I'm already sitting shotgun.

Colette, did he call it?

-He did not call it. -What? -All right.

-Sorry. -Out you go, bud. -I'm looking.

-* I'm rolling down my window * -Tee-hee-hee-hee.

* And locking the door. *

-I'm locking the door. -Yeah. All right, fine.

-GREGG: No! Come on! Get out! -Then I'm in. -Get out.

-No, you're gonna break the car. -L-Let me in.

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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org