Original subtitles

COLETTE: If you're one of America's 239 million drivers,

you've spent some time at the DMV--

a placed not always celebrated

for its efficiency, organization and customer care.

But you know what? For those of us who work here,

it's-it's a pretty great job...

most of the time.

Uh, take a right at the light.

Mother used to boss me around.

-What was that? -[clears throat]

♪

Mm-kay.

On second thought, let's head away from these dark alleys

and see if you can handle a freeway full of witnesses.

Traffic. Full of traffic.

That's what I meant. It's part of the test.

Go on.

More.

More. That's good.

Now roll down your window and read this.

"Two double combos, two large fries

and two chocolate shakes"?

Oh, feel free to add something for yourself, big guy.

That'll be $36.55.

Do you take Apple Pay?

Ooh. Using cell phone while driving.

That's not good. [laughs]

Uh, park right here, and use the side mirror,

because in the rearview,

all you'll see is everything you've ever owned.

Oh!

[chittering]

-Hi, there, mister. -[spray squirting]

-Oh. -[chittering]

[sighs]

Well, I'll be tasting that for a while.

Yeah, right behind the minivan.

Highest score of the week.

I am gonna tell my boyfriend about it.

[laughs] He's a cop.

We live together. Big guy.

Bye. Have a good one.

Move it, please. Move. Come on. Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

[sighs]

-[woman coughing] -[chatter continues]

Hey.

COLETTE: Oh. [chuckles]

I thought you were waving at me.

-Oh, nah. Nah. -[laughs] Doesn't matter.

Oh, my God.

He wasn't looking at me. [laughs]

-Fry? -No. Thank you.

-What are you laughing at? -Nothing.

Slow day.

[crowd chatter]

[indistinct P.A. announcement]

Ready to save the world?

What smells like cat pee?

That's me. It's ferret.

Oh, figures.

All right, arm in arm.

Let's go together. We move as one.

-Nope. -Nah.

Cool.

♪

Oh. Hey, guys.

See this placard?

It's been in my desk for-- I don't know-- eight years.

But today, I get to pull her out.

Like Excalibur from the stone.

Right? King Arthur? Pulled out the sword?

If it's not a Vin Diesel movie, I don't know it.

-Congratulations on the promotion, Barbara. -Thanks, guys.

-You're a great team. -GREGG: Yeah, you deserve it. Seriously.

-COLETTE: Yeah, you're awesome. -It should've been me.

Honestly, I work harder, and I'm smarter.

Agree to disagree there, Ceci. Okay, everybody,

look alive. Consultants are coming today.

-[Colette sighs] -What consultants?

The ones the governor hired to cut costs.

We got, like, four emails about it.

-Oh, I don't check those. -You don't check your emails?

Not my work ones.

COLETTE: How can they cut any more costs?

I mean, this place is already falling apart.

GREGG: If they take away the free coffee,

I'm out of here.

-I'm lying. I'm not going anywhere. -I know.

-God. -VIC: Come on. We're examiners.

We shouldn't be hanging with the paper pushers

in the main pen this long.

CECI: Ah, paper pushers. Excuse me? You know what, Vic?

I am a photographer

and a laminator.

-B54? -NOA: Yes.

-Good morning. How can I help you? -What is that?

-What are you doing? Like, a pirate accent? -[chuckles]

I grew up in New Zealand, but my parents...

I don't need your whole life story.

Um, so the wife and I are traveling this summer,

and she said I need that REAL ID thing.

Yes, absolutely. I can help you with that.

-Great. -Ah, shoot.

-This is expired. -What?

Do you have anything else? A birth certificate, maybe?

Oh, yeah, I always just walk around

with my birth certificate.

I have my baby teeth in my pocket.

-Right. -All right.

I think I, uh, know what language you speak.

How about I throw a little shrimp on the barbie for ya?

Oh, my God, wow. That is five dollars, sir.

As tempting as that is,

I can't accept an expired document.

You can, but you won't. You know why?

Because it's a felony to bribe a state employee.

Nah. 'Cause a guy like you loves to stick it to a guy like me.

And I bet it just makes your day, doesn't it?

NOA: Oh, it does, sir.

My gratitude journal is filled with moments like these.

-[fake laugh] I'll be back. -Next.

♪

-[indistinct chatter] -[indistinct P.A. announcement]

Hi. You're here. [mutters]: Give it to her.

Hi. You must be our friends from the consulting firm.

I'm Barbara Berry, manager.

Uh, Dan Wilson, Kshitija Balakrishnan.

Dan.

Sh... Ma'am.

I don't know how anyone can live in L.A.

DAN: Oh, I love it. We, uh, drove by

the Paramount lot on the way in from the airport.

It was not on our way,

nor was Kevin Costner's Walk of Fame star.

There's, uh, Kevin and I.

-Ooh. -Why don't you show us around,

and then we can start the interviews?

As you can imagine, my team--

oh, I love the sound of that--

my team, they hear "cost-cutting,"

and I just want to assure them

there won't be any major upheavals.

If you're one of the surviving branches,

-very little will change. -Great. That's--

What did you just say? "Surviving branches"?

KSHITIJA: Of the four Hollywood DMVs,

one is going to become fully automated.

And by "fully," you mean...?

[robotically]: No... human... employees.

So everyone's gonna be fired?

No. That is not what we are saying.

-Then what are you saying? -Impact will be felt.

-In what way? -[robotically]: Unemployment.

I think what my boss is saying is,

we would like to start in written tests.

Absolutely. Uh, it's... [clicks tongue]

-right that way. I'll be right behind you. -Thank you.

Barb, you are Captain Sully,

and you just met your flock of geese.

Land the damn plane.

[inhales]

Not it.

Mm. It's-it's your turn, Vic.

-Can't just ignore the rotation. -Thank you.

The rotation ignores our individual strengths, Gregg.

I keep the White Entitleds in check.

Plus any teens with hot moms.

You're good with the wack-a-doos.

And she calms the nervous and the old.

That's the system.

Drop-off. And you've got one on deck.

-Really? Thank you. -Yeah, thank you, Doctor. -We're hoping she dies.

Okay.

[distant chatter]

New guy. Hmm.

-Hmm? -You're gonna make a move on that,

or just eye-bang him for the rest of your life?

I didn't eye-bang him. What?

So it's just a coinkydink that since he started working here,

you started wearing makeup, stopped eating tuna,

and only wear clothes that show off your ass.

Thank you.

And you're not allowed to say things like that anymore.

VIC: You staged the house.

Don't blame me for checking out the Zillow.

Plus, we got a $100 bet going on

whether or not it'll ever happen.

My money's on "no way in hell," because I know you,

and you'll never put yourself out there.

Don't bet on...

You think I got a shot with him?

I think you can do anything that you put your mind to.

Really?

Also, it was the only option available.

-So... -VIC: But if you're not interested,

then I guess it won't bother you that Hot Kristen's been

all over him like marker

on one of Gregg's annoying fridge notes.

And yet people still eat my lunch.

COLETTE: Hot Kristen? She's only hot

compared to homely Kristen. Really, we should just call her

Regular-Looking Kristen, or

Wore the Same Sweater a Week After I Did Kristen.

You know? Like... Mm-mm.

I'm gonna take that old lady because I'm a...

I'm a good person.

Mmm.

Okay. I got a proposal.

If we're both still single at 40, you and me.

40? I thought you were, like, 55.

Hello, DMV MVPs.

So, how's it going with the consultants?

Great. Great, great, great.

-Four greats. Someone's getting fired. -GREGG: Oh!

You had to fire somebody on your first day?

No.

It's the opposite, actually.

Turns out, they're not here to cut costs.

They're here...

to... observe us

to make other branches more like our branch

because our branch is the best branch.

GREGG: Huh?

-BARB: Yeah. -Hmm. -Makes sense to me.

-Right. -That tracks. -CECI: Correct.

Everybody is happy,

and I am doing a great job so far.

Who ate my meatball sub?

COLETTE: Whenever you're ready.

So I just said... I just said before, you...

We can start whenever you're ready.

Ready?

Yeah.

-[tires squealing] -Where are you...? No! Stop!

Wrong pedal. Wrong... Other pedal. Stop.

-What do you want? -You're not stopping. You're not...

Oh, my God. Oh.

This is a wheelchair.

-Give me that. Give it to me. Stop. -No.

Get off the wheel! I'm driving here!

My God. You're not stopping. That's a kid.

Kid. Kid. Stop. Stop the car right now!

-Oh, my God. Building! -Oh. No.

-[groaning] -Stop!

[Colette exhales]

Did I pass?

No.

Oh. She kind of looks just like you.

[with British accent]: I love this branch, I do.

No one shall be impacted here.

S-Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, no. How close did you come?

My life flashed before my eyes.

-Hmm. -Yeah, well, it was a real wakeup call.

I can't throw away my life in some dead-end job

for crappy pay and no hope of happiness.

No offense, Gregg.

Oh, I wasn't offended until you said Gregg.

Oh, sorry. Well, I've decided I am gonna make a move on Noa.

What's a good ice-breaker?

Mm. Tell him to put one in his mouth and...

Stop. What's a good ice-breaker, Gregg?

Why don't you ask him if he wants

to adopt that dog you're fostering?

Oh, my God. That is a good idea.

I mean, 'cause if he's not a dog person,

I mean, that is a deal-breaker anyway.

Mm. Not sure you're in a position

to start imposing deal-breakers.

-What does that mean? -VIC: Well,

when was the last time you went on a second date?

January of '23.

Y-You have no idea how hard it is

to be a single woman in her thirties, okay?

Is it any harder than being a Black man in his sixties?

Ee...

I don't know.

Is it? Um, prob...

May... No.

I'm so sorry.

I'm going in. Teeth?

Mm, a little yellow, one's crooked.

-No. Is there anything in them? -Mm. A yellowish color?

Doesn't matter. I'm going in.

Greggles, I'm gonna win you a hundred bucks.

-Have a good day. -GREGG: She's looking good.

Oh, but what's this?

Hazard in the road, pal.

-Noa. -VIC: Ooh.

An illegal U-turn.

Looks like someone's headed to the rest stop

to wait out adverse conditions.

COLETTE: John, up high.

-♪ -[barking]

CECI: What do I like

most about working here? Um...

Honestly, it's got to be the constant rush of superiority.

Also, my favorite karaoke bar is two blocks down the street,

so on the weekends, I just park my car here.

I do an amazing Beyoncé.

-e, too. [laughs] Yeah.

Oh. Also, if there is a prize for best employee

and/or best dressed, I will just take it in cash value.

-Do we do that? -No.

-Oh, hey. -Hi.

-Noa, right? -Yeah.

-Cool. I'm, um... -Colette.

-I know. Hi. -Oh. You know my name.

-Yeah. -That's great.

Our girl's going back in.

-Oh, come on, Colette. -COLETTE: I was just wondering

if you might be interested in adopting this little guy?

I-I don't think you're showing me

what you think you're showing me.

My God.

Yeah, that wasn't for you.

Hey, I know a good podiatrist

-if you need one. -Mm-mm.

-Kind of looks like you might. -On it.

-Okay. -Thank you.

This is the dog.

Oh. That is crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy. I shouldn't have asked, but...

No, it's crazy 'cause,

look. Marvin Gray-- he was a bulldog, as well.

You had a bulldog named Marvin Gray?

-I did. -[gasps] Oh, my God, your abs.

...solutely perfect, Marvin!

-He was the best. [laughs] -Mm. Well,

can understand if you're not ready yet, so...

I mean, I'm not notready...

So...

Right.

Do you see what I see?

The connection between them,

or the menstrual pad stuck to her skirt?

How long have you been working at the DMV?

-Ah, it's just temporary. -Right.

Is what I've been saying to myself

every year for the past five years.

The benefits make it really hard to leave.

It was such a relief to finally have insurance.

-Mm-hmm. -I'm-I'm always injuring myself surfing.

Mm, congrats on the layback, by the way.

Thank you.

-Wait. How-how do you...? -Your Instagram.

But I follow everyone in the office.

Did you think it was just you? [laughs]

You're acting as paranoid as your great-aunt Linda.

-Okay. -[in funny voice]: Anyway,

I'm very busy. [laughs]

-I'm a busy gal. [laughs] -Right.

Sorry.

What is that? Hey.

How did that get there?

Um, I-I assume that you went to the bathroom.

Yeah, I think that's what happened.

Okay, well, welcome to the team.

-Thank you. -Noa.

It's a shame we can never, ever, ever speak again.

-[laughs] -Bye.

-Bye. -See ya.

-Are you okay? -Yeah, I'm really good.

-All right. -So good.

You can just Venmo me that hundred.

I'm BigBallz16, with a "Z."

Get off me.

Oh, why? Why? Why? Move it, Steve.

I'm just worried about when the truth comes out, and then

everybody knows, and there's literally nothing...

-Call you back, Ma. -Barb, I-I got to go home.

I'm not well.

Wait. Do you have diarrhea?

-'Cause there's a nasty bug going around... -Ew.

-No. Um, I just... I had a headache. -Okay.

Well, then, take some aspirin, and then I need you to...

And diarrhea. Got lots of diarrhea.

You need to go. The last thing this place needs is

another case of the runs. The plumbing's already proved

it's in no condition to handle that.

-Yeah. -And I'm not plunging again.

COLETTE: Oh. Noa.

[sighs] Looks like we're staying put, Old Girl.

Don't you think it's ironic

that the state is spending all this money

on you two to figure out what's wrong with the DMV,

when everyone knows what's wrong

is that we don't have enough money.

-Mm-hmm. Yeah. -Um...

It says here that you used to teach high school English?

-Ooh. -Tell us about that.

Yeah.

[laughs]

Nah.

Hmm.

Oh. Yeah, that's...

doable.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

Vic is a professional.

I hope this isn't inappropriate to say,

but you are way too attractive to work in consulting.

-It's highly inappropriate. -My bad. [snaps fingers]

You are bothtoo attractive

to work in consulting.

But I'm honestly pumped you're here

because I have a huge problem.

I requested time off because my mama passed away,

but was denied.

-That is terrible. -I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that.

And it's happened twice.

[Kshitija sighs]

Okay.

[groans]

-Aah. -[dryer whirring]

This is great.

And boom. Proof of residence.

Hey, uh, I am so sorry.

Coupons are not a valid proof of residence.

You do realize your job is

-to ruin peoples' lives? -MAN: Are you talking to me?

No, not you, Lon. I'm talking to some clown at the DMV.

Because my assistant quit.

Can't imagine why.

[laughing]

-This is mine now. -It's out of ink anyway.

Enjoy.

[groaning]

-Ooh. Aah! -[fabric tearing]

Ooh, it's really in there.

Um, hmm.

[groaning]

Come on.

[groaning softly]

Oh. Oh.

-Ooh... -[gasps] Oh, my God!

-Hey, Regular Kristen. -Are you okay?

-Yeah. Fine. -[laughs]

-What are you doing? -So random.

I was climbing out the window,

and, um, my shirt got stuck on a nail,

and then I took the shirt... [groans]

...the shirt off, and I realized my-my stomach is in the nail?

I'm gonna go get some help.

That'd be nice. Thank you.

-What are you doing? -Getting a photo first.

-[phone camera clicking] -[Colette groans]

[giggles] Ah, God.

Can you just get the security guard? Just the security guard.

And what would you say is the average customer waiting time?

[exhales]

I'd have to say, caring too much about my job.

I'm sorry. What was the question?

Average customer wait time?

-[keys clicking rapidly] -BARB: I'm sorry.

He is typing way more than what I'm saying.

-Can I see? -DAN: No.

Of course. That was unprofessional, Barb.

-Sorry. Um... Give it to me! -Whoa!

-Whoa! -Let me just take a look at it.

Aah. I...

I need you to write good things, please, okay? Just...

Today is literally my first day as manager here,

and I want to do a good job.

-I love working here. -[chuckling]: Why?

I mean, why?

Because what we do here makes a difference.

Having a driver's license means independence.

And whether or not you have one

isn't based on what you look like

or how much money you make

or if you went to college.

It's like that on the outside, sure,

but not here. And most importantly,

I love every single person that works here.

We're a team.

We're one, big, happy family.

We've got a jumper.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, hey, what is going on in there?

Oh, wow.

Oh, good. You made it.

We can't just pull the nail. She might bleed out.

It's-it's right in that fleshy part of her stomach.

-Oh, that's called a muffin top. -Ah.

You see how her excess fat kind of hangs over

-when her skirt's too tight? -Mm-hmm.

-Ah. -It's like the top of a...

Muffin, yes. Thank you, Ceci.

You're a real girl's girl.

Well, this seems to be under control.

Shall I show you the new eye charts?

-We switched to Helvetica. -DAN: Oh, we're not leaving now.

No, no, no. Oddly invested.

How old is that bra?

-It's... just... lived in. -CECI: Yeah, and you know,

your left breast is a lot bigger than your right one?

COLETTE: It's official.

This is my rock bottom.

You know, my takeaway

from this is how beautiful she looks up there.

And how calm she's staying.

That's the kind of energy that makes someone a good mother.

GREGG: Why are you helping?

You bet against them.

Yeah. For her.

NOA: Okay, um, I'm gonna

go around back and suss things out.

Not till you buy her dinner, you won't. [laughs]

Uh, I-I swear nothing like this has ever happened before.

Yeah, even the best branch has its days.

-Best branch? -BARB: That is what

we like to call ourselves.

No, that's what you said theycall us.

Isn't that why you're here?

No. We're here to decide whether you should be shut down.

-Shut down?! -Excuse me, lady?

Was there an email?

Is the room starting to swirl for anyone else, or just me?

-All right, I'm coming up. -BARB: Careful underneath her,

-she's got terrible diarrhea. -COLETTE: No,

thisis my rock bottom.

-Hang on a second. -VIC: I can't

-lose my job! -I cannot lose my benefits, Barbara.

I can't be at home with Tanya all day.

We only have a successful marriage

because we barely see each other.

I'm sorry! The truth is,

I don't know what's gonna happen,

but whatever it is, we're gonna get through it

because we're a family.

Families get through anything.

These people are not my family.

Haven't seen or heard from mine in ten years.

Families break up all the time.

-Got it! -Oh. -GREGG: Ah.

-Great job, Noa. -Whoop-de-doo. -Muffin saved.

GREGG: So should we take the rest of the day off or what?

That was exciting.

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

You're coming back tomorrow?

We're here for the year. Didn't they tell you?

[sighs]

There you go.

You okay?

-Yeah. -Oh.

-Yeah, you... Switch. -Oh.

My lanyard got stuck in yours.

Hey, did you want to...

...go get a tetanus shot?

-A tetanus shot? -Yeah.

I thought you were starting to get... Yeah, yeah.

-Okay. -I'm gonna get one, yeah.

I don't have diarrhea, by the way.

-Sorry? What? -You didn't hear?

-No. -Oh.

Barbara said I had diarrhea.

Thought you heard, you didn't. But I don't.

-I just wanted you to know that. -Okay.

-Yeah. Yeah. -[siren wailing] -[helicopter whirring]

You guys gonna go to the bar tonight,

celebrate Barb's promotion?

Eh, Tanya wants to talk about getting a couples' counselor.

-So, I will be there until they kick me out. -Mm.

Well, I got air-bagged in the face and impaled on a nail,

so I'm not really in the mood to celebrate.

-NOA: Hey, Colette? -Oh.

Hi. Um, look, I was thinking.

I would love to know more about that dog.

Will you be at the bar?

-Yeah. -Okay.

-Cool. All right. -Yeah. Yeah.

-I'll see you there. -VIC: See you at the bar, bro.

[door closes]

I think it would mean a lot to Barb if I went.

-Big promotion. -She's so important. -Yeah, Barb.

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm, Barb. -I'm gonna rally.

-[door rattling] -I mean, it wouldn't be the same without you.

Hello!

-We're closed! -BRENT: No, you're not!

-No, you're not! -GREGG: Yes, we are!

BRENT: My taxes pay your salaries!

-VIC: What a psycho. -Open the door!

-No! No! -You guys, um...

-Let me in! -Please don't embarrass me at the bar.

-Okay. -Thank you.

BRENT: Open the door!

Open it! Open it! Open it! Now!

-[Gregg chuckles] -Hey, someone, open this door now!

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