Original subtitles

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I've had it. We'll retreat and wait for relief troops.

[dramatic music plays]

[narrator] The year is 50 BC.

All of Gaul is occupied by the Romans.

[woman] All? No way.

One small village of indomitable Gauls still holds out.

Yes, yes.

All right, but life's not easy

for the Roman legionaries who garrison the fortified camps

of Totorum, Aquarium, Laudanum and Compendium.

Metadata, that's enough!

Can't say that to Caesar. He'll throw us to the lions!

But all of Gaul is not occupied. To say that would be untrue.

Yes, I know, but trust me, it's fine. It's almost occupied so we say "all".

But "all" and "almost" are not the same thing though.

They are, more or less.

What do you know anyway? You've never been to Gaul.

[coughs] I'd be better off there than in this dusty cellar.

Hey, stylus-pushers! What you doing? They're waiting for you.

-What? So Caesar's here? -He's on the way.

And my uncle?

Oh, yeah, he's there for sure.

[sighs]

Oh, hang on, I've got another one. Have you heard this one?

Do any of you know the difference between a Gaul and a wild boar?

Eh? No? Nobody?

Well, one is covered in hair and goes… [squeals and grunts]

And the other one…

is a wild boar!

[laughs]

[squeals and grunts]

[laughs] A wild boar!

[laughs]

No, 'cause you thought I'd say

that the other one was a Gaul, didn't you, eh?

'Cause wild boars are very hairy and go… [squeals]

But I didn't!

And that's the joke!

[laughs]

Oh.

[ominous music plays]

-Ave, Caesar! -[grumbles]

And so, for your triumph, we have created…

a mosaic!

A mosaic?

Voilà!

I do confess a little bias,

but I assure you there's good reason.

See here, good against evil, okay?

Half of your imperial face on the left, and a smaller one on the right.

Vercingetorix! [chuckles] Okay, so what does it illustrate?

The might of Rome,

and how she dominates over the weak. You see?

As for the form, we've tried to break the mould.

Not classical, no pastel. Just a lotta red! Boom!

All the focus groups gave great…

I wanted a bold concept to mark my triumph,

and you give me a mosaic?

What a silly idea. No.

Very well. Check out this one.

I know what you're going to say. It's another mosaic.

But this is your triumph, Caesar!

What do we want to say? What's our key message?

-That all of Gaul is occupied! -[woman clears throat] Erm…

[sighs]

Yes, Mummy? Go on.

Er, "all of Gaul is occupied"?

No, no. One small village of indomitable Gauls still holds out.

-Mummy, come on. -Hmm?

It's one small village. We can say "all".

Yes, it's more or less all entirely occupied

without exception I assure you.

Yes, but one village is not quite all.

-Fastanfurius! -Er, yes?

Why are those Gauls, why are they still… Gauls?

It's because of their magic potion.

It gives them superhuman strength! It's impossible to…

"Impossible" is not Roman!

I want to see those Gauls grovel before me,

for them to submit to Rome's power, once and for all!

And to obey the laws of Rome!

Ahem. There might be a way…

by using Gallic law.

[clears throat] I'm sorry, Caesar.

My niece does have a habit of talking out of turn.

Metadata, keep quiet and put on a toga. You're dressed like a barbarian.

The year is minus 50, I can wear what I like.

[softly] Fifty before what?

O Caesar, I am sure you are familiar with the Big Fight?

What? Yes, yes. Am I ever.

When a Gallic chief wants to take control of another village,

he challenges the other chief to a fight, man to man.

[8-bit digital grunting]

[digital cheering]

The chief still standing at the end becomes the chief of both clans.

So, if a Gallo-Roman chief, a Gallic chief committed to helping Rome,

beats the chief of the indomitable Gauls,

he will be the new chief for both clans.

And the Gauls will then be Roman?

Gallo-Roman. But yeah, you can say Roman.

We'll defeat and humiliate them all!

And we will see them caught out by their own traditions!

[laughs] Enough of mosaics!

The Big Fight will celebrate my triumph!

A spectacular show!

And they will bow down,

all those Gauls prostrate on the floor before me!

[laughs menacingly]

They'll kiss my boot!

-[laughs] -[lightning crashes]

J'adore.

You're in charge of organizing the Big Fight, Bigfarma.

Er, Metadata. My name's Metadata.

Start packing, you leave for Gaul tomorrow.

For Gaul? Thank you, Caesar, thank you!

Fastanfurius, you'll give her a hand with logistics.

He's coming too?

Succeed, or I'll throw you to the lions.

-[lightning crashes] -Lions, er… the animal?

With the long hair?

Caesar has spoken!

I'll go, I'll see, I'll conquer.

Oh! That's a very good phrase, we'll get it engraved.

And then I'll come back,

I'll tell you all about it,

and… I'll have a bite to eat.

Hmm. Maybe not that one.

[lively classical theme music plays]

[upbeat Celtic folk music plays]

[villagers chatter pleasantly]

[grunting and laughing]

-Huh? -[exclaims]

[chomping]

[laughing]

-[both laugh] -Now, children! Now, children!

[inhales deeply]

The Romans haven't bothered us for 30 days.

Thanks to our druid's magic potion,

we are and will remain indomitable!

-[all cheer] -Long live our druid!

Long live Getafix!

Thank you, my friends. Thank you.

But…

-But! -[bearers grunt]

We have nothing to fear, but the sky above falling upon our heads.

So, let's give thanks to Toutatis with this banquet and these offerings!

[all cheer]

I composed a ballad for Toutatis.

And it is called, "Toutatis, Totally Yours".

[sings discordantly] ♪ Toutatis ♪ ♪ Totally yours… ♪

[exclaims]

[villagers chuckle]

-Asterix. -Hmm?

Listen, erm, can I say this?

"This menhir is just like our village, solid as a menhir".

Oh yeah. Very nice.

I mean, comparing the village to a menhir and all that.

Nice. But you do know you're saying "menhir" twice?

I know, but there aren't many ways to say "menhir", you know?

-I know. You are right. -What if you said it with a song?

[inhales]

♪ This menhir… ♪

-[yelps] -[cat howls]

Impedimenta, weren't you and Vitalstatistix

going on a trip to Lutetia?

Yeah, but what with the invading Romans, looking after our hut and all that,

it's hard to find the time.

Yeah. I hear you.

Even so, we go tomorrow. Don't we?

-Right, Piggywiggy? -Huh?

-Lutetia, tomorrow. -Oh, yeah. Sure.

[Getafix] Hey. Easy does it with the sauce.

-Why? I'm giving thanks to Toutatis. -In Lutetia, it's only vegetables.

Come on, it's just fat. It's never hurt anyone, has it? No.

-[chanting] Offerings! -Oh. Huh?

-Offerings! -Okay, all right.

[laughs] Now whose is this offering?

[all laugh]

-[woman 1] Speech! -[woman 2] Obelix!

-[man] Speech! -[woman 3] Obelix, give us a speech!

Come on then!

Er…

[whines inquisitively]

"This menhir…" Obelix, "This menhir…"

[nervously] This menhir…

-[woman] Louder! -[man] Speak up!

-[heart beats slowly] -[high-pitched ringing]

[Obelix breathes slowly]

[heartbeat speeds up]

[audio distorting]

Okay, Obelix feels this menhir is just like the unity of our village,

solid as a rock.

-[all cheer] -Yeah!

[man] Solid as a rock, that's what we are!

[upbeat Celtic folk music resumes]

-Thank you, Asterix. -That's what friends are for, right?

Mmm. [chuckles]

[bard struggling]

[grumbles unintelligibly]

[gentle Hawaiian music plays]

Potus?

Yeah?

Po-po-tu-tus?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?

[in male voice] Potus?

-Huh? -Potus!

[yells]

-[objects clatter] -[horse snorts]

Who's that?

Oh, relief troops. Oh.

Guys, it's the relief troops.

[soldiers lazily] Yay.

-Were you just under attack? -Huh?

Oh no, no, no. No, it's just that yesterday,

we celebrated 30 days without fighting the Gauls.

-[back cracks] -[grunts]

And we got all got a bit sozzled.

-Dear me. Just as well we're here. -Yeah, about time. Right.

Good. Super, super.

It's great to see you, and it's nice to chat.

I don't want to get in your way. I'll hand over to you.

All right? Ave!

Stay where you are.

Why? I thought you're in command now, so I'll go.

-Ave? -No.

No ave. Prepare tents for my soldiers. You and your men are being requisitioned.

Requisitioned? But why, sir?

To get rid of those hairy Gauls once and for all.

Operation Big Fight has started.

[snorts]

[snorts]

[man groans and screams]

[man] Is someone slaughtering a wild boar?

[woman] No, it's the bard practising a lullaby.

Oh, no, I'm here!

[screams]

Been wanting to go to Lutetia for ages.

But no! Oh, no. Of course not. Because he stuffed his face

and he feels like the sky's fallen on his head.

[groans] Not on my head.

Maybe more like… here?

[screams]

[groans]

There you go, it's the liver.

I didn't know that your liver could hurt.

Impedimenta and I told you, but you never listen.

You ate too much.

I didn't know you could eat too much.

-You must cure it with a potion. -You can't fix everything with potions.

-I didn't know you couldn't… -All right, Obelix.

If you can't manage to eat less, get some help.

Getafix told you who to go and see, didn't he?

Apothika, Apothika, I know.

I'm not going to see that quack,

'cause there's nothing wrong with me. I actually feel back to normal.

-It doesn't hurt? -Not at all.

-You sure? -[screams]

Ooh, can I press there as well?

[screams]

[whimpers] Oh, no…

-No, Obelix, don't touch. -Touch what?

-Well, that. -No…

[screams]

Be careful, children. His liver's not a Roman road.

[Dogmatix barks]

Come here, Dogmatix! Come here, little doggie.

No, no, no. [screams]

[groans]

Fine, enough. Drink this.

Ah…

Thank you.

Join me in Lutetia if you feel better, 'cause I am going.

But Pidiped, you can't go to Lutetia on your own.

The journey there isn't safe…

-Getafix will give me some magic potion. -But there isn't any more.

Then make some more!

-[door slams] -[Dogmatix whines]

[Vitalstatistix screams]

[Metadata] So, the VIP box could be… here.

Great, we can see the village already.

What squalor. I'd burn it all down without a second thought.

Yeah, but that's not the plan.

Okay, so, step one. We give the Gauls one more chance to surrender.

-How about we just jump to step two? -[sighs]

In step two, we find a Gallo-Roman chief to fight Vitalstatistix.

In step three, he wins the Big Fight, the Gauls become Gallo-Romans,

victory to Caesar!

Okay, it kinda feels

like we just skipped step two-B, where they don't drink magic potion,

because that really is the main problem.

Hmm. So, isolate the druid during the fight.

No druid, no magic potion. Easy as A-V-E.

-Metadata, how much should we clear? -The lot. You must clear it all.

-Come on then. Let's get started. -No, hang on!

Do we need to cut them all?

So, what do we do now?

We'll do what she said.

We will isolate the druid.

But for evermore, in the earth.

Take a few men with you. You will take care of it now.

-Me? -What are you waiting for?!

[snorts]

We'll end up with two indomitable villages.

I can see it a mile off.

[flies buzzing]

So what's that one?

That one there is a catfish.

-Mmm. -Ooh, no, no. Sorry.

That one's actually sea bream.

Unhygienix, are you sure your fish aren't stale?

You're joking? I picked them up on the beach last week.

I stuck to the lukewarm chain.

So you can eat them till the cows come home.

-Hmm. There's a lot of flies though. -No, I won't charge you for them.

Hang on. Getafix?

-Do you sell wild boar? -No, I only sell fish.

-Shame. -You know, I wouldn't mind, believe me.

But you have to specialise.

-Where are you heading, o druid? -To the forest.

I'm going to look for ingredients for the potion,

since it seems that's all I'm good for.

-I'll go with you. -No, you won't, thank you.

A bit of solitude will do me good.

Right.

You know, I get why he wants to be alone for a while.

-Hmm? -When you see the same faces every day.

I'm so thankful we're surrounded by the Romans, or else, I…

-You'd suffocate? Mmm. -That's exactly what I mean.

[soldier 1] Hey! Amazing camouflage.

Seriously. Well done.

[soldier 2] Oh, thanks, that's very kind of you.

And those acorns. [chuckles]

Great idea.

Well, I thought, oak tree forest… acorns. It kinda makes sense, you know?

-I mean… -Oh yeah, it sure does.

Had it been a chestnut tree forest, I'd have used chestnuts.

Of course, yeah, yeah.

But since they are oak trees, I went for acorns…

Shhh! Shut up. They're gonna spot us.

Okay, follow me. In silence.

By Mercury, Mars, Juno and Jupiter.

Hey, we have too many gods, don't we?

I think so.

-We should pick one and stick with that. -What, one god for everything?

A god of war, god of the earth, god of the sea, god of the harvest?

That's a big job, don't you think?

-[soldier 2] Maybe not for the harvest. -Oh.

I mean, we are talking about a god, but they could be a goddess too, because…

-[Potus groans] Shut up! -We'll carry on later.

[Obelix whistles and hums]

[Asterix breathes deeply] Thinking what I'm thinking, Obelix?

Yep. Unhygienix, our fishmonger, should also sell wild boar.

No, no. No, I'm worried about our druid out there all alone in the forest.

Right, I'm going. You coming too?

Yeah. I'll finish this later. It's not an urgent order.

But are you… Aren't you leaving your menhir here?

I don't wanna a kid to pinch it!

[gently suspenseful classical music plays]

Of course, not one of them asking, "Getafix, are you tired?"

"Do you want to rest?" No, of course not.

"Our druid Getafix is here to heal everyone, 24 hours a day."

That's how it is.

Oh, what a beauty!

There.

So…

Four-leaf clover, four-leaf clover.

Four-leaf clover. No, that's a five-toe foot.

A foot?

Capture him!

[Obelix] Okay, listen. Unhygienix won't sell wild boar.

That's his right. We can't make him.

-That's the end of it. -[Asterix] Hmm.

[Obelix] I think it'd be fair for those villagers who don't like fish…

[Asterix] Ah.

…for there to be, I don't know, some kind of place

for them to sell, exchange, trade wild boars, for instance.

-[Asterix] Hmm. -I'm thinking aloud, you know.

Yes, so actually, just like a fish shop, there would be…

-A wild boar shop. -Okay, right.

Yeah. You know?

-Understood. Mmm. -Yeah. [laughs]

-For all those who don't like fish. -Yes.

-There's a lot of us. -Mm-hmm.

-Me for a start. -Hmm.

-Dogmatix. -[yaps]

Yeah, but hang on a moment. So, you'd sell menhirs and wild boar?

I don't know. Maybe. We should just think on it.

-[Getafix] Let go of me! Let go of me! -[gasps]

-Let go of me, you Romans! -Hold him!

-[grunts] -Ouch! He bit me!

-Ow! The druid kicked me in the head! -Come on!

[Dogmatix barks]

-Getafix! -The Gauls are here!

-Retreat! -[barking]

[dramatic music plays]

-Whoa, oh! -I'll get rid of 'em for you.

-Mind out. -No, Obelix, no!

Oh!

[sombre music plays]

[barking]

[Dogmatix whines]

Seriously, Obelix? Oh, bravo! Bravo! Good idea. Speechless.

I got rid of those Romans, didn't I?

Yeah, and you flattened our druid in the process! You're so clumsy!

I'm clumsy? I'm clumsy?!

It's Mr Asterix who dropped the magic potion and is clumsy! So there!

Oh! Well, we can't all fall into it like Mr Obelix did when he was little boy!

'Cause Mr Asterix had nothing to do with that, did he?

That is unrelated, it's completely…

-[Dogmatix whines] -Huh?

Come. Let's get him out from under there.

[whines]

[sighs]

Getafix?

What do you mean mission accomplished?

Well, to cut a long story short, we got there, looked around,

found a spot, then we hid, nanani, nananoum…

And then, who showed up?

Only the druid!

And so I shouted, "Capture him!"

Wham, bam, boom!

With a branch, with a stump, and a bam! I don't mess about.

Ask anyone, they know what I'm like.

Anyway, mission accomplished, and we left him for dead.

Dead? But I just said to get him out of the way!

-Who told you… -I did!

But, uncle, what for?

Did you not listen to Caesar?

I handle logistics, you take care of the show.

So, I handle the druid.

You focus on event management.

-Well done, Potus. -Well…

-Huh? That's my Tutus. -Ah, thank you. [chuckles]

-Good Tutus, huh? -Well, now…

Tutus to my Furius.

We're a team and that's just how we are, you know?

Now we have to find our Gallo-Roman champion.

I might know just the chap. Strong as an ox and loyal to Rome.

Loyal to Rome?

Yes, sir. He's a diamond.

I want more of those columns!

But mighty Chief Cassius Ceramix, don't we have enough columns already?

I want more!

We have to be more colonized! I want this village to become a mini Rome.

A mini Rome, coming up!

And we need to have names ending in "us", like the Romans!

Names ending in "us". What a great idea, chief!

We should stay a bit Gallic though.

-No! -No, I really like the new style.

We are Gallo-Romans, by Jupiter and Toutatis!

Oh, yeah! From today, Tenmillionclix, you are Tenmillionviews.

-Oof. -What about me, chief, what's my new name?

Ah, yours can wait, Sycophantix.

Okay.

[bearers grunt]

[Sycophantix] So we've got a mini Rome, more columns, names ending in "us".

-[Cassius] And an aqueduct! -An aqueduct, okay.

They're nice, very Roman. and for the last time,

cut your braids and your moustache!

But with no braids, I won't be virile.

And no moustache, there's this great big space here,

between my nose and my mouth… [screams]

Enough of his lip.

[groans]

[bombastic fanfare plays]

Ah! Ave!

Welcome, beloved invaders!

Ave.

Can we also invade your home so we can talk there, Cassius Ceramix?

Call me Cassius, won't you? It's less Gallic.

It's an honour. Veni, veni.

This Gaul here is just how I like them.

There isn't much here I'd call Gallic.

You should have told me you were coming. I'd have put on some games.

There. Not as good as Roman wine, but I like the name.

Chatopetrus.

Cassius Ceramix, are you familiar with the Big Fight?

A silly Gallic tradition.

-Yeah. Why? -We'd like you to fight a Gallic chief.

Take over his clan when you claim victory. Think you can do that?

[chuckles]

Do you doubt me?

Seriously, is that a real question?

I am the best, by Vulcan!

Let me show you.

[bold music plays]

[grunting]

[chicken squawks]

[camera shutter clicks]

[grunting]

-[bird squawks] -[pottery shatters]

[horse whinnies]

-[metal clangs] -[pottery shatters]

[growls]

[music peaks, stops]

I will crush him like a grape!

Who is this chief? It'll be carnage.

Vitalstatistix.

Vitalstatistix?

But, er, it'll be carnage!

That magic potion gives him superhuman strength.

Do not panic.

Well, of course, I'll panic! I'm really worried.

There's no more magic potion.

[suspenseful music plays]

No magic potion?

No druid, no potion, trust me.

You'll make mincemeat of Vitalstatistix.

After, you might even challenge other chiefs.

And one day, you could rule over them all. All of the Gallic clans, if you so wish.

You'd be a general ruling over Gaul.

Mmm.

General de Gaul.

Ah, the remedy Getafix gave me cured me, Pidiped.

So come on, we're off to Lutetia.

-One drink, and then we'll go. -[gasps]

What? We're leaving right away?

[ominous music plays]

[gasps]

I threw the menhir but as menhirs go, it was a very small one.

-No need to make a big dolmen out of it. -[gasps]

Shh, shh, shh, he's awake.

See, there you go. I was just saying that menhirs aren't dangerous.

-Getafix, how are you feeling? -I feel great.

Thank you, madam.

Madam?

But it's me, Impedimenta.

Enchanté.

Okay, hang on, hang on. Getafix, do you know me?

It… It is me, Asterix.

[laughs]

What a big nose. [giggles]

By Belenus, our druid Getafix has lost his memory.

And we're out of magic potion.

Magic potion?

Yes. Do you remember the recipe?

No.

[sighs]

But we can ask him.

Er, ask who?

Mr Beardix.

Hello, Mr Beardix.

Hello!

-How are you feeling, Mr Beardix? -Hairy good.

Do you know the recipe for the magic potion, Mr Beardix?

Hmm.

No!

But I do know the recipe for having a good old laugh!

Ah, tell us then.

Repeat after me. When I say "beard", you say "ix".

Beard…

Ix.

Beard…

He's crazy. He's completely crazy.

[screaming] Come on! It's easy!

Beard!

By Toutatis, we are doomed.

Ix!

[lively classical theme music plays]

ASTERIX & OBELIX: THE BIG FIGHT

[musical arrangement turns sweeping and gentle]

[musical arrangement turns suspenseful]

[lively Celtic folk music plays]