Original subtitles

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

? On the shore by the sea ?

? By the way, by tomorrow by this time we'll be ?

? On the boardwalk in Atlantic City ?

? We will walk in a dream ?

? On the boardwalk in Atlantic City ?

? Life will be peaches and cream ?

Are we leavin' on time tonight, Pee-Wee?

There's your change. There's your mints.

Gee, thanks. Would you give this to our waitress please?

- Yeah, sure. No problem. - Thank you very much. Come on sweetheart.

Can we have the check?

Okay. Just a sec, miss.

? Down on the old New Jersey shore ?

Mighty good java. Hey, could you top it off, please, honey?

Sure.

? By this time we'll be ?

? On the boardwalk in Atlantic City ?

? La da-da da-da-da-da ?

? In romantic, enchanted, Atlantic City ?

? Down on the old New Jersey shore ?

Here. Let me get that door for you.

Thank you, Tina.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

Lois, you're gonna have to come in in the mornin'.

In? Here?

No, Buckingham Palace. You're serving tea to the queen.

Yeah, here. You have to open up in the morning.

And don't leave those dishes in the sink overnight.

They'll stink the place up to high heaven.

Don't forget to take out the garbage. Let's go, honey.

But tomorrow is my day off.

Tina, you work tomorrow, right?

Tina's ain't coming in. Her sister's in town.

They're gonna go to the boardwalk and play the slots.

But-But-But tomorrow's my anniversary, Leo.

Herbert and I have been married for 10 years.

So bring Herbie in and have a slab of meat loaf on me, huh?

I can't do it.

I just can't.

Well, maybe you don't need this job.

Yeah, why don't you quit, Lois?

I hear they're hiring exotic dancers at Caesar's Palace.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Man ] Last call for New York.

[ Woman ] We're still waiting for the check.

The bus is leaving.

[ Sighs ] I'll be right there.

So, you coming in or what?

I'll be in.

All right. Don't forget to take out the garbage.

- [ Cat Yowls ] - [ Dog Barks ]

Hi, Lo.

Herbert, what are you doing up so late?

Oh, Mr. Eines made me take some work home.

I gotta get General Custer's head fixed and back on his shoulders...

before the museum opens in the morning.

Oh.

- What time is it? - Oh, midnight.

- [ Sighs ] - Herbie, I have something for you.

Come on.

- What? What? - Now wait right here.

- What is it? - Open it.

It's your anniversary present.

Tonight?

I thought it was tomorrow.

Oh.

Lois, I didn't...

uh, bring your present home.

- [ Sighs ] - I was going to give it to you tomorrow night after dinner.

- Leo's making me work. - But we had plans!

I tried to talk him out of it, and he was gonna fire me.

That louse.

Well, never mind about him now. Just open your present.

"To Herbert, the world's greatest husband.

Happy Tenth Anniversary."

Oh.

Come on, honey. It's our anniversary.

I know.

Don't you find me attractive anymore?

Of course I do, Herbie. [ Chuckles ]

I'm just so darn tired. Aren't you?

No! I'm wide awake.

I'd love to make love to you.

What about General Custer's head?

He can watch.

But my hair smells like cheeseburgers,

and my hands are like pine cones,

and my feet are swollen bigger than basketballs.

Excuses, excuses.

Don't you think it's important for us both to be in the mood?

Don't worry about it, I got enough mood to go around.

Oh, Herbert, I gotta go to sleep.

On second thought, I better get Custer's eyeballs in.

[ Gargling, Spits ]

I really mean what it says on that trophy, Herbert.

[ Herbert ] I'm at my wit's end, Blaze.

Lois gave me this really great trophy.

She's so sweet. If I could just afford something nice for her.

Get her posies. Women go berserk for posies.

Believe me. I know.

Yeah, but good flowers cost a bundle these days.

Not if you time it right.

Pop over to the cemetery after work.

Wait until some poor, grieving sucker drops a bushel of daisies...

on their dear departed.

Then snatch 'em up and take them home to the missus.

I guarantee you, the dead guy ain't gonna mind.

Pass.

Suit yourself. But it worked for me.

I once brought this belle of mine...

a beautiful horseshoe made out of roses.

And boy, was she grateful. [ Whistles ]

[ Blaze Whistles ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Squeals ]

Herbert, a wedding ring!

A last, my own ring! It's all I've ever dreamed of.

Oh, Herbert!

How could you afford such a gorgeous thing?

That's my little secret.

Happy anniversary, babe.

Do you like it?

Like it? I love it!

Would you?

[ Gasps, Giggles ]

[ Moans ]

[ Moans ]

[ Growls ]

[ Grunting, Gasping ]

Wow.

That's only the beginning, lover boy.

You, me-- bedroom,

five minutes.

Be there.

[ Panting ]

You're a maniac.

I know.

So don't desert me now, you towering inferno.

Lois, please, have mercy on me, will ya?

I'm gonna come, and I'm gonna get you!

No, no.

[ Groaning ]

More...

more...

more.

[ Snores ]

More, mor-- [ Snores ]

More.

[ Man's Voice ] You, the faint of heart, beware.

You may pass through this portal, but you may never return.

[ Blaze ] Mr. Eines, I can't find that ring anywhere.

I looked high and low. I'm really sorry.

Good morning, Herbert. Give us a hand with the lady.

- I-- - You unpacked the jewelry for this exhibit.

- Wasn't there a ring in the box? - A ring?

You mean like a little gold ring with designs?

No, no.

Be careful, Herbert.

Lift her up very gently.

She's some cute cookie.

Three times married. Three times a murderer.

She knocked them all off the same way.

She was as clever with her blades...

as Baryshnikov is with his toe shoes.

I got her jewelry. I couldn't get her knives.

Uh, Mr. Eines, you said that the jewelry on this wax figure--

Genuine article. Her very own things.

A collector from Philadelphia bought them at an estate sale.

The Black Widow.

She's not up there.

Well, then she's dead. I know Lois.

If she's not here and she hasn't called in yet, she's got to be dead.

Oh, well.

What's the matter? Lunch crowd got you down?

Where the hell have you been?

Better stay away from those french fries, honey.

Your hips are getting a tad lumpy.

- Leo! - What is with you?

- Get to work. - Not today.

Gee, it's hot in here.

[ Sighs ]

I just stopped by to say I quit.

You can't quit. You can't leave us here with all these customers.

Oh, Leo, you have such an amusing little mind.

I believe this is yours.

Ciao.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- Let's not be so hasty. - Maybe we could, uh, work something out.

Not this trip, big boy.

But I'll keep you in mind.

Bye, Tina. Don't let him work you too hard,

if you know what I mean.

Don't look now, but you're stepping on your tongue!

- What do you mean? - "Maybe we could work something out."

That's just business talk, baby!

- Just business talk! - Don't you ever touch me again.

Come on. Gimme a break, will ya, huh?

Daughter of an Italian fisherman--

Her second husband got a meat cleaver right between the eyes?

This woman is a major psycho.

My Lois isn't. She could never--

[ Gasps ] Oops. It slipped.

I'm sorry, poopy. I almost took your ear off.

Lemme kiss it and make it all better.

Lois, I thought you had to work tonight.

- I quit. - You quit?

Come on, honey.

Let's celebrate.

[ Panting ]

Lois, a-all these knives?

I don't know, Herbert. I woke up this morning,

and I had this incredible urge to go out and buy cutlery.

Aren't they beautiful?

Ta-da.

Herbie, I'm making up a special, sexy dinner tonight.

Sliced steak, scallions, red peppers and...

hot sauce, Herbie.

No, no, no! No-No passion. No kissing.

I mean, what's the rush?

I wouldn't want you to get tired of having me around.

Oh, don't be a goose, Herbert. I could never grow tired of you.

I adore you.

Sure, like your other husbands.

What other husbands, dearest?

Huh? I didn't say "other husbands."

I said, "I'd sure like some Hubbard squash."

- We're having zucchini tonight. - [ Gasps ]

Mmm.

Listen, Lois, take the ring off and give it to me.

You know what I forgot?

A special inscription.

Um, "To Lois with all my love, Herbert."

All that wouldn't fit on a ring, Herbie.

Then just "Love, Herbert" and the date.

Come on. Give it to me. The guy's waiting for it.

[ Clicks Tongue ] Herbert, I don't need an inscription.

I know you gave it to me with love.

And I never, ever want to take it off for as long as I live.

Fine for you, but what about me?

Oh, Herbert, we're gonna have a hot night tonight.

I am going to love you to death!

Oh, Herbie.

Herbie-Werbie.

Oh, my little ripe tomato.

[ Gasps ]

- [ Gasps ] - [ Grunts ]

Lover boy.

Lois, stay away from me.

You don't seem to trust me, Herbert.

You know what Mama always said.

Once the trust goes out of a relationship--

- Lois, no, no! - Send 'em to the worm farm!

Lois, Lois, Lois. It's this ring. There's a curse on it.

- Put a cork in it! - [ Herbert Gasps ]

[ Herbert Grunting ] No. No.

Herbie, remember your wedding vows.

You promised to love, honor and serve...

as a pin cushion!

[ Screams ] Lois! No. No. No.

[ Growls ]

Herbert, you're being a bore about this.

Stay back! No!

[ Speaks Italian ]

Lois, you're speaking Italian!

I'm gonna chop your head off.

Herbie, you're going to make such good steak tartar.

Herbie?

[ Groans ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Gasps ]

Herbert, what are we doing?

Lolo? Lolo.

[ Murmuring ] Oh.

It's-- It's this ring.

I didn't have an anniversary present for you,

so I stole it from the museum.

Look at what I'm wearing.

- Ooh! - Yeah, it's the ring.

It makes you very passionate,

and you wind up killing your mate.

[ Sighs ]

Look at me. Capri slacks!

This is so unlike me.

I feel like I'm someplace exotic...

like... Miami.

Oh, Herbert. Look at my hair. I love it!

It's very beautiful.

Do you really think so?

- I love you. - I love you too, Lolo.

[ Chuckles ]

Tickly feathers... and candles.

You think of everything.

Oh, you man.

We don't need this anymore.

[ Grunts ]

Well, hello there.

Mmm. This oughta shut her up.

For me? Really?

[ Chuckles ] Does this mean it's official?

Just gimme your hand.

[ Giggles ]

[ Leo Moans, Screams ]

We're not the only ones having fun tonight, Herb.

[ Giggles ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

?? [ Rock ]

? The lights are on ?

? But you're not home ?

? Your mind is not your own ?

? Your heart sweats Your body shakes ?

? Another kiss is what it takes ?

? You can't sleep No, you can't eat ?

? There's no doubt you're in deep ?

? Your shoulder's tight ?

? You can't breathe ?

? Another kiss is all you need ?

? Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff ?

? Oh, yeah ?

? It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough ?

? You know you're gonna have to face it ?

? You're addicted to love ?

? ...the signs But you can't read ?

? You're runnin' at-- ??

Well, today is the day, Mr. Beezler.

You get a date for Friday night.

Or you die trying.

[ Hair Dryer Whirs ]

Don, Don, let me show you a thing or two about fashion!

Okay. Wait. Something's missing.

Um, ah, white cane-back loafers.

- Anybody home? - [ Man ] Go away!

Ta-da! Five Pepperoni-pluses.

Ah! That'll be 42, even.

Great suspenders. Those leather, right? [ Chuckles ]

Whoa, where'd you get these girls?

Look, I didn't order any pizzas,

especially not at, what, 9:00 in the morning?

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Well, in the first place, this is not number six. It's number 205.

And in the second place, Corona Drive is the next drive over.

Where'd you get this book? How is it? Pretty good?

I only got it yesterday. Look, I really got to get going.

You don't really think you're gonna score in those threads, do you?

Would you please take your pizzas and leave, okay?

What? No tip? I'm just kiddin'. Listen, you keep the pizzas.

They were ordered for some party last night. We got backed up.

Our number's on the box in case you get a crave on.

Ask for me special-- Bert. See ya.

Oh, and, hey, loosen up!

"The College Men's Guide to Picking Up Women Rule 29.

Living facilities.

There are millions of gorgeous, eager women out there...

just waiting for you, you big lug.

But, unfortunately, they are out there so, whatever you do, never--"

Charley horse! Charley horse!

"Never, and we mean never--"

Please massage my calf, Phil.

"Never date the house mother's daughter." Bye, Angela.

Bye, Phil.

Ay, Chihuahua.

That's it.

Ah, the direct approach. Okay.

[ Mumbling ]

"Oh, baby. I love you more than I love my-my folks."

How'd you like open-heart surgery... with a spoon?

- Hey, is this Willoughby and Fourth? - No, it's Tenth and Main.

Thank you.

Okay, uh, the subtle approach.

"At the Laundromat." "Sporting Event."

Uh, "Drug Store." Okay.

?? [ Humming ]

- I'm a photographer. - And I'm a cashier.

You know, if you'd let me shoot you,

I could probably get you in one of these magazines.

If I could shoot you, I'd get a medal. Five out of 20.

Keep the change.

Okay, "Chapter Eight.

The Intellectual Approach."

"Creative Writing." No, that's not it.

Uh, "Physical Sciences." Okay.

Um--

I have got...

a periodic chart of all the elements stenciled on my ceiling.

It's huge.

You wanna come over and, uh, read it?

No.

[ Scoffs ] Okay.

- Oh. - What--

- Ah, ah, ah, darn. - [ Shrieks ]

What are you? Punishment for something I did in a former life?

Oh, you jerk! I can't believe I have you for a lab--

What are you doing Friday night?

Washing my hair... all night long.

Where did that come from?

- [ Whimpers ] - That's a shar-pei.

It's-- That's one of the rarest breeds in the world.

- Here, it's yours. - Thank you, Phil.

So, uh, what do you think? You wanna go out with me Friday night?

- I'd rather have a root canal. - [ Growls ]

Isn't he adorable?

Thank you, sir!

Hey, what the-- What are you doing?

I'm gonna rip your face off, Beezler!

Gimme my stuff back, moron.

Mr. Beezler, the class is not over.

- [ Door Slams ] - Yet.

[ Tires Screech ]

[ Test Tubes Clatter ]

Oh, Phil! Please help me! I was looking for a quarter I dropped and my arm...

got caught somehow.

[ Panting ]

[ Grunts ]

Thanks for nothin'. Now I've got something that really works!

Are you in there? I know you're in there.

Ah, hello, Miss Autumn, you doll, you.

How are you today? No, ah, don't answer that.

Yes, all right.

Come on.

Whoa.

Come on. Come on! You worked on an ugly dog.

Please work on a beautiful woman.

[ Phone Rings ]

Hello?

Phil? It's Angela.

Are you okay? I heard a crash.

Listen, Angela. I'm fine, okay?

- Are you sure you're fine? - Yes, I'm sure, Angela.

[ Woman ] Kiss me, and I can be yours forever.

- Phil? Did you say-- - [ Replaces Receiver ]

Kiss me, and I can be yours forever.

Come on and kiss me.

Please.

Oh, no, I used too much.

Come on!

Kiss me. Please?

[ Chuckles ]

Kiss me.

Come on. Kiss me.

Um--

[ Grunting ]

Kiss me, please.

Ow. [ Grunting ]

Kiss me.

- [ Grunts ] - [ Woman Roars ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Roars ]

Come here! [ Growls ]

Aah! Aah!

[ Roars ]

[ Phil ] Ow! Aah! [ Shouting ]

[ Growling ]

[ Grunting ]

Kiss me. Kiss me! [ Growls ]

- Kiss me! - [ Grunts ]

[ Shouts ] Let me in!

- Let me in! - What's the rush?

- [ Growling ] Please! - Uh, no!

Hurry!

- Hurry! I'm starting to melt! - Melt?

- Hurry! - Melt?

I'm melting!

[ Bubbling ]

I always wanted a woman to melt in my arms.

But this is too much.

[ Panting ]

[ Crying ]

Oh, n--

[ Sighs ]

No. No.

What if I used a little less this time?

No. [ Scoffs ]

Come on. Oops.

Okay. Come on, come on, come on.

There. A little dab will do ya.

Not too much.

Phil? Phil, are you all right in there?

[ Singsong ] Yes! Go away!

No. Look, Phil. Open this door now!

I said, go away!

Phil, open up! Come on. Open up.

- What is it? - I heard another crash. Are you sure you're okay?

- Yes. I just dropped my... bed. - Your what?

[ Woman #2 ] Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

[ Chuckles ]

- [ Bones Crack ] - [ Shouts ]

- [ Raspy ] Kiss me, and I'm yours forever. - No!

No, thank you.

[ Raspy ] Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

Not enough! I didn't use enough.

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever!

- [ Sighs ] - Don't touch me!

[ Woman Hisses ]

Tear up some furniture. Just don't... touch me!

- Just kiss me once. - No!

I have a... headache.

Just one kiss. Oh, come on.

[ Both Shout ]

[ Screaming ]

- [ Raspy ] Hurry! - You hurry up!

- I'm melting! - Hurry up and melt already.

- Oh, boy. - [ Woman Screams ]

He sure must know how to show a girl a good time.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

That does it!

Operator, get me the police!

[ Groans ]

[ Panting ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunts ]

Please work this time.

[ Police Radio Chatter ]

This one's gonna work. Third time's the charm, they say.

[ Chuckles ]

Come on.

[ Knocking ]

Go away!

No. There are two policemen here.

They just want to know if you're torturing anyone in there. Are you?

What?

[ Cop #1 ] Come on, Beezler. We know you got a girl in there.

- Open up. We're comin' through. - [ Cop #2 ] We mean it.

- Open up. - Back away.

- [ Cop #1 ] Come on! Hey! - [ Straining ]

Get it open. We're not playing around.

[ Cop #2 ] Don't make it hard on yourself, Beezler.

- Let's go! - [ Cop #1 ] We're comin' in.'

Get ready. Here we go. One, two--

- [ Grunts ] - Freeze!

- Where's the girl? - Girl? Uh--

[ Speaks French ]

The one that the neighbors heard screaming! The one that I heard say--

[ Woman #3 ] Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

[ Chuckles ]

Has this guy been torturing you?

Mm-hmm, has he ever!

[ Chuckles ]

- Let's go, Larry. - B-B-But--

- Come on, young lady. Let's leave 'em alone. - Phil!

- I did it right! - You sure did, kid.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

Kiss me, kiss me.

Kiss me.

[ Phil ] No! No, no, no, no, no!

- Not again! Not again. - That book of his paid off, huh?

I don't even want to talk about it.

[ Phil ] No, no, no!

[ Gasping ]

I-It's--

It's almost gone.

There's almost...

none left.

Almost none at all.

[ Panting ]

Not too much. [ Chuckles ]

Not too little.

[ Giggles ]

This one just has to work. [ Giggles ]

That's all there is to it. It just has to.

Please. Please, please, please, please, please.

[ Man On TV ] Lose it on the hips and gain it to your chest.

Here's the last of our five-point questions.

Ladies, what's the one thing the two of you try not to talk about--

- Please, please, please, please, please, please. - [ Angela ] Phil, let us in!

- Hey, you okay there, dude? - Phil, open up!

[ Bert ] Hey, Phil, come on. Open up.

- [ Angela ] Open this door now! - [ Bert ] What's goin' on?

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

- Kiss me, and I'm yours-- - Oh, yeah!

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

Yeah!

[ Doorknob Rattling ]

Oh, yeah! Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

[ Gasps ]

- [ Woman #4 ] My dress is by-- - Where is she?

My nail polish, glorious apple by Tinta-fe.

And my jewelry is designed by Philip Cassus of Monte Carlo.

I'm sorry. I-I thought you meant me in there.

What. You?

In there? That was-- That was you?

[ Giggles ]

What are you doing Friday night?

Uh, I-I think I'm free. I don't know.

[ Chattering ]

[ Bubbling, Dripping ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Boy ] Ready, Grandpa?

[ Man ] Okay, kiddo, melt my mitt!

I'm tryin', Grandpa.

I know you are, pal.

Hey, Marky. Marky.

Come on out and play. We need someone for left field.

- Later. - [ Boy #2 ] Hey, Eddie, forget him.

What a wimp.

Go play with your friends there, pal.

I can pick you up later.

Grandpa, they only want me when they're short a man.

They think I'm a joke.

Besides, today's Saturday.

Saturday's our day.

Watch out now. Fastball.

Ooh!

Broke some bones on that one.

Throw me your famous Chinese dipsy-doodle.

The ol' Chinese dipsy-doodle?

Okay.

Activate your radar.

Here it comes.

[ Groans ]

Good catch!

Now you're kickin' butt, Elvis!

[ Grandpa Laughs ]

Want a cigar, Elvis?

Right, right. I keep forgettin' you don't smoke.

You've really been to China, Grandpa?

Which time you want me to tell you about?

Time the called me in there to give the emperor boxing lessons?

[ Chuckles ] Are you making this up?

If I was, how do you explain me having that rare Ming talisman?

And the magic spell.

The spell? It's really from China?

Ah, so.

Secret ceremony,

incense, gong.

[ Imitates Gong ]

Colored smoke everywhere.

The Emperor Ming gave me the spell...

and told me to watch out for it real special.

[ Speaks Foreign Language ]

That's real magic.

You protect it.

[ Marky ] Yahoo!

Yahoo!

Whoo!

How you doin', Elvis? Ridin' high?

Ya-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Mona's really wailin' now.

[ Horn Honks ]

Come on, old buddy.

- Good ride, huh? - I was just about to come lookin' for you two.

Dinner's almost ready.

Good. We're here and hungry.

Marky, why don't you go on inside and get cleaned up.

Well, what's on your mind, Son?

If you don't want me stayin' here anymore, just say so.

Never wanna be where I ain't welcome.

I'm glad you're with us, Dad. Dorothy is too.

The point is,

you gotta start taking care of yourself and slow down.

No problem.

You got your ship shank, your fisherman's loop, your cow hitch,

and, of course, your Portuguese bowline.

That's when you want to lift someone up...

and not squeeze all the air out of 'em.

I taught Houdini how to use it for one of his tricks.

- Who? - Houdini.

Number one magician in the world--

with my help.

Hey, kid, you still haven't showed the old sea captain...

how to do your square knot.

[ Grandpa ] Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Perfect!

You can be my first mate any time.

Come on, pal. Let's go down and watch the ships come in.

I'll race you below.

[ Groans ]

Grandpa.

Mom, Dad!

It's Grandpa!

[ Groans ]

I-- I'm fine. Don't sweat it.

Small potatoes, Elvis.

[ Dorothy ] I'll get the doctor.

[ Door Shuts ]

Grandpa?

Grandpa, I got an idea.

A way for you to be able to go out on Saturdays and play.

If we concentrate real hard...

and use the talisman and the spell from China,

we can change bodies.

You're a sweet boy, Marky. Grandpa loves you.

Grandpa, that way, every Saturday until you feel good again,

you can have my body.

I'll stay in bed inside your body. No one will know.

But you'll have to be home before dark...

'cause you know how Mom and Dad worry.

I wish we could do that.

We can, Grandpa. We can.

You always say if we believe in something, it'll happen.

Let's do it now.

It's not that simple, pal.

Yes, it is.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

I will be you and you will be me.

[ Speaks Foreign Language ]

Please.

I will be you and you will be me.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

I will be you and you will be me.

- What's happening? - It's the spell, Grandpa-- it's working.

[ Speaks Foreign Language ]

I will be you and you will be me.

[ Wind Whooshing ]

Oh, wow.

- Marky? - Oh, boy.

This is real magic.

Grandpa, yes.

[ Marky Speaking Foreign Language ]

I will be you, Grandpa, and you will be me.

Now you're kickin' butt, Elvis!

[ Exhales ]

[ Tires Squeal ]

Whoa, Mona!

[ Man On TV ] Bullwinkle found himself directly in front of the bank...

- just as the holdup went into full swing. - [ Laughs ]

- [ Gunshots ] - My, the mosquitoes are out early this year.

I had better take a cab.

- [ Laughing ] - [ TV Continues ]

[ Man On TV ] Mistaking the getaway car for a taxi--

- Dad? - ...and his getaway-minded mob--

Uh-- Uh--

I'm going downstairs for a little while.

I'm gonna make you some bouillon for dinner.

Bouillon.

Ugh!

Don't worry, Gramp. I'll get you some real food.

[ Motorcycle Approaching ]

When your dad finds out about this, you're dead meat.

- Anybody want a cigar? - Are you kidding?

Then let's play ball, boys.

You heard me. Let's kick some butt.

Grandpa, you don't feel so good.

Let's go. Come on.

All right, Marky, you take left field.

I'm pitchin'.

[ Grunts ]

The little shrimp thinks he can run a baseball team.

I'll show 'im.

All right, show us what you got, hotshot!

[ Umpire ] All right, let's play ball!

Aw, Marky, you'll be lucky if you can get it over the plate.

- Strike! - Way to go, Marky!

All right!

Strike!

Strike!

[ Boy ] All right, Marky!

[ Umpire ] Strike!

Strike!

Strike three! You're outta there!

Well, way to go, Marky.

[ Boy ] All right, Marky! Come on!

[ Children Shouting, Cheering ]

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

[ Shouting, Cheering ]

[ Groans ]

Mom!

- Mom? - What is it, Dad?

I'm not your dad.

Mom, I gotta tell you something.

What?

- [ Thud ] - [ Moans ]

[ Shouts ]

[ Groaning ]

"I will be you and you will be me."

Why did you do it?

I only did it because I love Grandpa, Ma.

I wanted him to be able to play again.

But if something happens...

and his heart doesn't work anymore,

I think that means I'll die inside of him.

Please believe me.

Where did he go, sweetheart?

To the ball field.

Grandpa promised me he'd be back before dark.

- Mom? - Okay.

I'll go find him. You just rest.

Grandpa,

you promised you'd be back before dark.

Grandpa, please!

[ Grunting ]

Hey, Mrs. Blaine.

Where did your son learn to pitch like that?

I mean, he threw pitches that were amazing.

They did this and they did loops.

- And the way he rode in on that motorcycle-- - Where is he?

Oh, he got on. He just rode off. He rode off that way.

Oh, man, your kid is cool.

How you doin', Dad?

Tell you what.

Let's take a ride down to the hospital.

No!

What are you gonna do, make me carry you?

You don't understand. I'm not Grandpa. I'm Marky.

[ Chuckles ] Come on, Dad.

Marky!

- Marky! - Here!

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

Honey, I'm gonna get you out.

You're gonna be fine, Dad. Just relax.

I'm not your dad. I'm your son.

Wait. I've got something to tell you.

[ Dad ] What?

Marky?

I'm sorry I did this to you, Grandpa.

I'll tell you what you did, kiddo.

You gave me the greatest day of my life.

Really?

It was the best.

What are we gonna do now, Grandpa?

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

I will be you and you will be me.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

I will be you and you will be me.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

I will be you and you will be me.

[ High-pitched Voice ] Hi, Grandpa.

[ Normal Voice ] Gotcha, Elvis.

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Knocking ]

Marky?

Some friends are downstairs to see you.

You know, Marky,

your grandpa was a wonderful man...

and we're all gonna miss him very much,

but if he was here, he'd be the first to tell you...

you can't spend your life moping.

You gotta get on and live life-- hard--

with everything you got.

Yep. That's what Grandpa'd say.

And you know,

I think he's right.

Come on.

[ Eddie ] Boy, you were outrageous, Marky.

Radical, man. Really radical.

You're tellin' me. Too much.

Unbelievable, Marky.

Why didn't you tell us before, man?

- What are you talking about, Eddie? - I love this guy.

All I want to know is, where did you learn to play ball like that?

You-- You were incredible!

[ Marky ] You mean like last time?

[ Eddie ] Yeah.

[ Marky ] Glad you asked, pal.

You guys ever hear about the old guy who lives in China called Emperor Ming?

[ Eddie ] Uh-uh. No.

[ Marky ] Personal friend of mine.

- [ Eddie ] Oh, wow! - [ Boy ] Wow.

[ Marky ] Now you're kicking butt, Elvis!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

- [ Beeps ] - [ Whirring ]

[ Horn Honks ]

[ Horn Honks ]

Well, the mattress is soft.

And there's hangers in the closet,

and stationery with "Bates Motel" printed on it...

in case you want to make your friends back home feel envious.

And the, uh--

- Over there. - The bathroom.

Yeah.

Well, if you want anything,

just-- just tap on the wall.

- I'll be in the office. - [ Woman ] Thank you, Mr. Bates.

[ Man ] Norman Bates.

[ Woman #2 ] Go tell her...

she will not be appeasing her ugly appetites with my son.

Or do I have to tell her 'cause you don't have the guts?

Huh, boy? You have the guts, boy?

[ Norman ] Shut up! Shut up!

[ Woman #1 ] Do you go out with friends?

[ Norman ] Well, a boy's best friend is his mother.

- [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ]

Why can't you use a clock radio like normal people?

[ Woman #1 Whimpering, Moaning ]

?? [ Boy Singing ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

[ Screaming ]

Aaah!

You know, one of these days, Harry,

you're gonna scare yourself to death.

Think about it.

[ Girl On TV ] Brad, stop that. Brad.

[ With TV, High-pitched ] Brad?

What was that sound?

[ Deeper Voice ] Just my heart beating with love for you, Helen.

[ High-pitched ] No, I'm serious. I heard something.

Over there, behind that... tombstone.

[ Deeper Voice ] Wait a second.

I'll go look.

[ High-pitched ] Brad? Brad?

- [ Screaming ] - [ Horn Honks ]

[ Girl ] I hate you! Get away from me!

- [ Horn Honks ] - [ Boy Laughs ] Come on! It's just me.

[ Girl ] Give it. Give it to me.

Give it-- You're so mean.

Give me my bag.

[ Boy Laughs ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Crickets Chirping ]

They were trendy, they were shallow...

and they partied beyond the grave.

They were-- ? Bam, bam, bam, bam ?

Fraternity of the Undead!

And she loved it.

[ Woman ] Harry, don't forget to put the lid on tight.

Something's been getting into the trash.

Right, Mom.

[ Growls ]

[ Growling ]

Um, are you dudes, like, also really into Putt-Putt?

Hey, say, aren't fraternities great?

The association of men bound together...

by common ideals and aspirations--

- [ Shouts ] - [ Growling ]

And out of that association...

arises a close, personal relationship...

which makes them unselfishly seek...

to advance one another in the arts of life,

like alcohol and substance abuse.

[ Woman ] Did you hear me?

[ Girl ] Mary Dena's gonna go with Kevin Richards.

Oh! He is so hot!

- Hey, Har, how about shooting some hoops later? - I'm going to the movies.

[ Boy ] Surprise.

[ Boy #2 ] Harry, only molds grow in the dark.

You gotta get some sun.

Get out. Work your body and develop yourself.

No girl's gonna wanna be seen with a half-baked loser wimp.

[ Mother ] This dance is for the entire school,

- isn't it, Holly? - [ Girl ] Mm-hmm.

[ Mother ] Why don't you take some nice girl to the dance, Harry?

Oh, please.

The last time, all he talked about...

was being cloned from alien seed pods.

That's better than bowling and miniature golf.

[ Boy #2 ] Let's face facts.

Harry is a closet sociopath.

And I think it's time we all admitted that to ourselves,

and put Harry in an institution.

Honey, taste this. I think it's bad.

Mom! No!

[ Crackling ]

[ Gagging ]

Oh, Honey. It was bad.

Harry, you saved me.

[ Gagging Continues ]

That is the most selfless thing I have ever seen.

Gosh, Harry. We were wrong about you.

You're not a geek at all.

This you want to send to a homecoming dance?

[ Whispering ] Thomas, talk to your son.

Harry-- [ Clears Throat ]

you stay up all night watching movies, and then you sleep all day.

We're concerned, Harry,

that you're losing the boundary between reality and fiction.

Dad, the boundary between reality and fiction is here.

No, Harry! Potatoes are not up here.

Houses are not up here. Families are not up here.

They're real. Life is real, Harry.

Your mind is so hopelessly warped with fiction...

that life is just a station break to you now.

Sixty seconds to go grab a sandwich, and back into oblivion.

And you're getting worse.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

- I'll get it. - Don't you move a muscle.

Okay. Nothing juicy till I get back.

Kate Bergman called today...

at 11:00, 1:15, and 4:07 p.m.

11:00? Are you sure?

[ Clucks Tongue ] Why don't you call her, Harry?

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything.

It's Kate Bergman... for Harry.

Um, were you eating?

No.

[ Kate Sighs ]

Harry, um, I didn't want to bother you.

I called a couple of times, but I guess you were busy.

You called?

[ Chuckles ] My mom--

She never writes anything down.

Yeah, well, I'm having this party on Friday night,

and...

I was hoping you could come.

No.

- No? - I mean, uh, I can't.

I'm-- I'm busy.

I'm... getting braces.

Braces, really? But your teeth are beautiful.

It was a football injury.

Do you play football?

No, I watch it.

[ Chuckles ]

Is it your birthday or something?

- You knew? - Call it a feeling.

I'm sorry you don't have time to stay.

Don't I?

Do you?

No, I suppose I don't.

I'm sorry.

[ Door Opens ]

Happy birthday, Kate.

Happy braces, Harry.

You are a total dipstick, Harry.

She likes you.

It all feels so outta control sometimes.

I don't know how anything's gonna turn out.

Life ain't a movie, Harry.

I mean, you know, you can never be sure how it's gonna go.

Imagine what it would be like if we all knew...

exactly what was going to happen to us, Harry.

Better to live and learn, and write your own happy ending.

Well, maybe I don't want what you want.

Maybe I don't want kids and bills and a boring job...

and the same thing day after day after day!

Maybe I want my life to be different.

I want adventure, and nothing's going to keep me from it.

[ Mother ] Where are you going?

I'm going to the movies!

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Panting ]

Please, God,

why can't life be as good as a movie?

Just once, why can't it be as good?

One, please.

- Why? - Excuse me?

[ Harry ] When was this place remodeled?

I'd thought this theater was closed.

I guess I was mistaken.

What the hell?

[ Rain Pattering ]

[ Panting ]

This can't be happening.

Harry, wake up. It's just a movie.

Wake up, Harry.

[ Electrical Crackling ]

[ Screaming ]

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

I-It's what's-her-name's dress--

the shower lady.

"Marion Crane."

Norman Bates chops her into taco filling in the shower,

and this is her dress,

and what am I doing in it?

Aaah!

[ Woman's Voice ] Do you understand, boy?

Go on. Go tell her...

she will not be appeasing her ugly appetites with my food or my son!

Or do I have to tell her 'cause you don't have the guts?

Huh, boy? You have the guts, boy?

[ Norman ] Shut up! Shut up!

[ Panting, Whimpering ]

Come on!

- [ Horn Honks ] - [ Whimpers ]

[ Keys Jingle ]

[ Whimpering, Panting ]

[ Pounding ]

Oh, no.

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

- [ Whimpers ] - [ Squeaking ]

Norman!

No, N-Norman!

Norman, it's your mother-- She's made you crazy!

Norman-- Norman, don't do this.

[ Sobs, Moans ]

Please, God, I take it back.

I don't want a movie.

I don't want to know what'll happen in life.

I'll never ask. I'll never even wonder.

Please, I don't want a movie.

[ Screams ] No!

Please, I take it back!

I take it back! I take it back! Oh, please, God!

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

- [ Thuds ] - Oh! Ow! [ Coughs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Panting ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing, Sobbing ]

I'm back. I'm back. I'm back! I'm ba--

Thank you! Thank you!

Kate!

Kate!

Hi.

- Hello, Harry. - Hi.

- D�j� vu. - [ Woman ] Honey, what is it?

Oh, it's okay, Mom. It's only Harry.

I'm sorry I don't have time to stay.

Bye, Harry.

Kate. Kate.

A-Are you busy tonight?

Tonight? [ Scoffs ]

Harry, it's 9:30.

Oh.

Tomorrow?

- Why? - I don't know.

I thought we might... play some miniature golf.

Miniature golf?

I love miniature golf.

[ Both Laugh ]

- Ha-Have you ever been to-- - [ Together ] Putt-Putt?

- [ Kate ] Yes! I have! - Do you know the putt with the volcano?

- The volcano! I know. - I got a hole in one on the volcano last week.

- My best friend and I can never do it-- - I'll take you.

- Jackie. Never. Never. - We will do it tomorrow.

- No way! - We will get a hole in one. I can do it.

You stand there for hours trying to get that one--

[ Chattering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Plane Approaches ]

Mom! Mom!

Mom! Mom!

Hey. Hey.

Who are you?

Melinda. Jonathan.

Melinda! Jonathan.

- Hey! - [ Man ] Jonathan.

Melinda! Jonathan.

- What happened? - Melinda! Jonathan!

[ Man #2 ] It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

[ Man In Pajamas ] How horrid. Somebody tell me what happened.

Oh, my Lord.

- [ Girl ] Please. - [ Man In Pajamas ] Please.

[ Man #2 ] It was in the middle of the runway.

- I had to take off. - Hey! What? What happened?

It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

- Who are you? - It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

[ Crackling ]

[ Electric Crackling ]

[ Recorded Male Voice ] Once upon a time, there were three--

Once upon a time, there were three--

Once upon a time, there were three--

Once upon a time, there were three--

Once upon a time, there were three--

Once upon a time, there were three-- Once upon a time--

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Dogs Barking In Distance ]

[ Ringing ]

[ Man ] Airport.

Yeah, uh, how many more flights you have left tonight?

- Comin' or goin'? - Either one.

Um, just a red-eye to Dallas at 2:11, sir.

What's the flight?

It's a Pan West 601.

Thanks.

[ Line Clicks, Dial Tone ]

[ Replaces Receiver ]

Earl.

What's the matter?

I, uh-- I had a bad dream.

What do you expect? You eat peaches with pizza.

It was so real.

Take a bromide.

Where're you going?

I have to check on something.

- Earl, it's 1:00 a.m.! - I know.

- Earl! - [ Items Jingling ]

It's important, Nancy. I think.

[ Female Voice ] The white zone is for loading...

and unloading of passengers only.

No parking.

How you doin'? That's two bits.

Can't sleep, huh?

Yeah, I know the feelin'. That's why I took this job.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Coin Clatters ]

Oh, that's terrible, isn't it?

That's crash number two, you know.

They come in threes.

Boy, after that 747 went down last week,

I wouldn't fly right now if you paid me.

Watch it, dirtbag.

[ Chattering, Indistinct ]

[ Recorded Male Voice ] Once upon a time,

there were three little pigs,

and they all decided to build their own houses.

The first one built his house out of straw.

The second one built his house out of sticks.

And the third one built his house out of bricks.

Then one day, the Big Bad Wolf came along...

to the first little pig's house and said, "Let me in."

Ladies and gentlemen, at this time we are ready to begin pre-boarding...

of Flight 601 to Dallas/Fort Worth.

We will begin with passengers accompanying small children...

and those requiring special assis--

Excuse me.

Listen, I know this sounds weird,

but you gotta stop this flight.

- What? - You can't let this plane take off.

There's some danger involved.

Uh, I happen to know that--

Well, there's going to be an accident,

a sort of mishap.

I'm fairly certain, you see,

certain that Flight 601 is going to crash.

I see.

Why don't you step over there for just a minute?

And I'll get a representative to help you.

Code six, Gate 123.

Don't do that.

Look, I'm not crazy.

Please, just delay the flight until I can explain to someone in authority.

Someone in authority, huh? Going right to the top?

That coat was in my dream!

And you were, and so were you!

Was I?

- No. - Good.

But that doesn't mean you weren't there!

Sir, may I see your boarding pass, please?

Listen to me, please. Just delay the flight!

It's already been delayed, buddy.

[ Woman Continues ] Ladies and gentlemen, at this time...

we'd like to continue boarding beginning with rows ten--

Don't board this plane! You're all in danger!

You gotta believe me! You gotta believe me!

- You the mystic? - Officer, this airplane...

is going to crash and explode.

Oh, really? Why?

I-I don't know.

I just saw it in a dream.

[ Sighs ] I keep having this dream about Morgan Fairchild.

She comes over to my house for a nightcap.

So far, she's a no-show,

but that doesn't mean I go knockin' on her door in L.A....

and say how come?

Hey. Don't make it hard on yourself now.

- [ Murmuring ] - Come on.

Please don't! Don't get on that plane!

Somebody listen to me, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to apologize for the interruption...

and assure you that there's absolutely nothing wrong with the aircraft.

Would you please continue to board at this time?

Thank you.

I hate flying.

- Come on. - Come on. Why don't you believe me?

I-I-- Call my wife. She'll vouch for me.

You can call your wife when you get to the station.

If you had a premonition about a plane crashing into your house,

and you went to the airport and saw those very same people...

who were ghosts in your dream getting on that plane, what would you do?

I'd move. [ Laughs ]

- Hey, I like that one! - You know Napoleon too?

- Oh! - Have you ever met Napoleon?

- Let's get this guy up there. - Why don't you just step up there?

Why don't you believe me?

If a plane's gonna crash, that's fate, pal.

And there ain't nothin' you can do about it.

- Boy, this guy's a trip. - Behave.

So, look, anyway, she says "Why don't you come in for a minute?"

I said, "I can't. I'm on duty," so she said--

[ Wheels Screech ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Tires Screech ]

- Hey, that guy's drunk! - Huh?

The pilot of that little plane-- I saw him up in the terminal. He's been drinking!

- You got no room to talk. - Come on! Aren't you gonna stop him?

- Settle down. - He's drunk! He's gonna cause an accident!

That ain't our department, Safety Sam.

Boy, he's gettin' on my nerves.

Comanche 7667 Yankee cleared to the Waco VORTAC.

November 457, pull short intersection Foxtrot.

[ Female Flight Attendant ] Ladies and gentlemen, please extinguish your cigarettes.

Make sure your seat backs are in the upright position and fasten your safety--

Come on. Let's go.

[ Tower ] Contact to ground. 121--

[ Man's Voice ] It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

[ Chattering ]

The best shooter I've seen since Jerry West.

- [ Grunts ] - Hey!

[ Shouts ]

[ Straining ]

[ Shouts ]

Con West heavy, your traffic a high-wing.

Three-mile final.

1-E 20.5.

November 173, taxi into position and hold.

- Go! - [ Engine Revs ]

Pan West heavy, cleared for take-off.

Roger, Pan West heavy, rolling.

173, do not take off. That heavy hasn't cleared yet.

Come on!

[ Tower ] 173, acknowledge.

Come on!

- Oh, God! - No!

[ Sighs ]

Tower, this is Pan West heavy.

Sorry, Pan West. That one got away from us.

Pin a medal on that guy in the van.

It was gonna crash.

You gotta believe me!

[ Guard #2 ] I do.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Rain Pattering ]

- [ Car Door Shuts ] - [ Engine Starts ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

Bobby!

[ Grunts ]

Bobby, you ready for school?

- Yeah, Mom. - Now--

Now I'm going to be doing the big cleanup in here I promised today, okay?

Sure, Mom. Just don't throw out any stuff that's neat.

[ Mom Sighs ] I hardly think anything in this room...

could be described as neat.

Now here. See what I mean?

You've outgrown most of this silly stuff.

You're getting too old for The Poky Little Puppy.

- But, Mom-- - Oh, come on now.

- I like The Poky Little Puppy. - Now look here.

You remember when you were only this high?

- Now look how big you are. - Mmm.

You don't need all these baby things anymore.

- Hmm? - Mm-hmm.

Come along now.

- You're gonna be late for school. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

[ Sighs ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

Oh, Bobby.

You really have outgrown this stuff.

[ Exhales ]

Damn it.

[ Man's Voice On TV ] Jennifer.

- [ Woman ] Darling, what is it? - They've caught him--

the man who ruined Daphne's life is in jail.

[ Jennifer ] Oh, thank heaven, after all these months.

Well, Jack, who is it?

[ Jack ] You just better sit down, Jen.

Prepare yourself for a shock.

I still can't believe it myself.

How could we have all been so blind?

[ Jennifer ] You mean it's someone from right here in Centerville?

[ Jack ] No one had any idea.

Who'd have guessed it would be someone we all knew,

and someone who we saw every day?

[ Jennifer ] Jack, tell me. How can you play with me like this?

[ Jack ] The father of Daphne's baby is the same man who shot Reverend McKinley...

and poisoned Billy's dog.

- [ Jennifer ] You mean-- - That's right.

- The man we've all been looking for is-- - [ Thunderclap ]

[ TV Off ]

[ Sighs ] Great.

[ Floorboards Creak ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Floorboards Creak ]

[ Murmurs ]

[ Barks ]

[ Creature Breathing ]

[ Breathing Continues ]

- [ Creature Groans ] - [ Dog Barking ]

[ Sighs ]

Don't be such a coward, Butch.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

It's just a little storm-- little rain, some thunder.

[ Sighs ] The power will be back in a moment,

- and everything will be just fine. - [ Thunder Rumbles ]

Just...

fine.

- [ Chomping ] - [ Screams ]

[ Whining ]

[ Alert Tones ]

[ Woman ] We're sorry. We can't complete your call as dialed.

Please check the number and dial again,

or call your operator for assistance.

[ Creature Gurgles, Purrs ]

- [ Chomping, Crunching ] - [ Woman Gasps ]

[ Low Growl ]

[ Woman Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Creature Murmurs ]

[ Soft Grunting ]

Ugh!

- [ Crunching ] - [ Glass Shatters ]

Er?

[ Soft Grunting ]

[ Chomping ]

- [ Plate Shatters ] - Hey!

Don't do that!

[ Soft Grunt ]

[ Murmurs, Grunts ]

[ Creature Belches ]

- [ Cuckoos ] - [ Squeals ]

Ooh. [ Laughs ]

[ Squealing ]

[ Creature Squeals ]

[ Squealing Continues ]

Hey. Hey.

Do you want this? Hmm?

You want it? Yummy. Yummy. Mmm!

- Yeah. Yummy. - [ Soft Grunting ]

- Good. It's gonna taste good. - [ Grunting Continues ]

Mmm. Yeah.

- Go for it! - [ Clock Cuckoos ]

[ Soft Grunting ]

- [ Sighs ] - [ Thunder Rumbles ]

- [ Soft Grunt ] - [ Screams ]

[ Cuckooing ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Stay!

Don't you move. I mean it. Stay!

[ Gobbles ]

- Fred! - What a storm, eh, Mrs. Simmons?

- Yeah. - It's not a fit day for man or beast.

- Rainin' cats and dogs. - Yeah, and other things too, Fred.

- Fred-- - Here's your cookbook from France.

- I couldn't help noticing. - Oh. Thanks.

Though why anybody would wanna cook frog legs in cherry sauce is beyond me.

There is something in my kitchen.

I-I can't quite figure out what it is.

Something the cat dragged in?

We used to have a cat would bring us a dead rat every week,

bring it up on the porch like it was present or something.

No, the cat didn't bring this in. It's--

It's-- I don't know exactly what it is.

It-It's some kind of exotic animal, but--

- Like from Borneo, or somethin'? - I don't know.

But please, come in and see for yourself.

Sure. Okay. Lead the way.

Through here.

Uh, this, uh-- This thing isn't dangerous, or anything, is it?

[ Stammering ] I don't think so.

I thought so, but I don't know.

I-I-- No, I--

[ Fred ] Oh, boy.

- [ Sighs ] What am I gonna do, Fred? - Gee, Mrs. Simmons.

Guess I'd keep the big guy on a leash, myself.

Maybe get him some of those doggie downers. There's obedience school.

They got a place called Wodehouse or something like that. Works pretty good.

'Cause if this all keeps up, you may want to,

you know, put him to sleep.

Only as a last resort, of course.

- It's man's best friend. - No! Not Butch.

It was huge and pink.

- Pink? - No, purple. Purple!

Purple. Sure.

It crashed through that door and ate everything.

It was just huge and purple.

[ Stammering ] God, it's so hard to explain.

I mean, i-it--

Fred, no!

Fred, don't go!

You didn't see it!

Get him a Valium, Mrs. Simmons.

Take a couple yourself.

- [ Tires Screech ] - Fred!

Fred! You didn't see it, Fred.

[ Clattering ]

Oh, God.

[ Chomping ]

[ Soft Groaning ]

?? [ Piano: Random Notes ]

Ohh.

- Go. - [ Piano Crashes ]

[ Gulps ]

[ Woman Screaming On TV ]

[ Man Shouting On TV ]

[ Woman ] John! The monster-- He's got her.

- [ Woman Continues, Indistinct ] - [ Squeals ]

- [ Lightbulb Pops ] - Oh!

[ Lightbulb Pops ]

[ Man ] ...romantic, and, for the first time,

affordable!

That's right, our boss told us to shatter those prices,

and that's exactly what we're doing...

in Lamps Galore at locations all across the tristate area.

Elegant lighting at the lowest prices in history.

But that's not all. Try before you buy, and qualify for one of the following:

Butch and Buddy, a matched set of snapping turtles,

or a lifetime supply of chandelier bulbs.

Come by one of our 32 locations today.

- Lamps Galore is a-- - No!

[ TV Tube Pops ]

Right.

I've got something for you, big fella.

- Nummy, nummy, nummy! - [ Creature Murmurs ]

Yeah! Want it? Mmm!

Come on. Mmm!

[ Creature Mutters, Squeals ]

Mmm! Nummy, nummy, nummy.

Nummy, nummy, nummy. Here. Yeah.

Yeah. That's it. Come on.

Come on, boy. That's it.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Come on.

Look at these lovely, lovely bulbs.

Mmm!

Come on. Come on.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait a minute.

- Okay. - [ Creature Grunting ]

That's it. There you go. That's it.

[ Mrs. Simmons Grunts ]

Get in!

In!

- [ Soft Grunts ] - The dump is just a couple more miles.

You can romp...

you can play and eat all you want out there.

[ Grunting ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Creature Groans ]

This is the end of the line for you.

- [ Creature Groans ] - Look at all this good stuff!

Eh? You can eat yourself sick.

Don't give me that big cow-eyed routine.

[ Whines ]

Out!

- [ Whines ] - I mean it.

[ Creature Grunts ]

[ Whines ]

Hey. Look what mama's got for you.

Hey. Look.

[ Squeals ]

Isn't it beautiful?

Come on.

Come on.

- [ Grunts ] - You can do it.

That's it. Good.

Yeah. There we go. There.

Come on, boy.

Here. Yeah.

That's it.

Right. Yeah. You want that?

Okay.

Okay! Yeah. Great idea.

Here's a-- Here's a... one of these things. Look.

This is great. The light.

How about this? You want this?

[ Creature Grunts ]

There's a couple of spanners here. Great.

And a duck. Look at the duck!

Great duck. Yeah.

Look! Look at that. Japanese lantern.

[ Grunting ]

- [ Grunting, Squealing ] - What's that?

Oh!

[ Squeals ]

It's for your own good, fella.

Maybe you'll find a pretty girl... whatever-you-are,

and have a bunch of little baby...

things.

[ Chomping ]

[ Squeals ]

[ Clattering ]

Bye now! Don't eat too much.

Mmm. Not a picky eater.

[ Sighs ]

- Aaah! - [ Creature Groaning ]

Oh!

Ugh! Ugh.

[ Groaning Continues ]

Ugh.

[ Groaning ]

Now just stop that!

[ Laughs ]

[ Soft Groaning ]

Don't even think about it.

[ Chomping ]

That does it!

I just want to scare you.

I just can't have you here anymore.

[ Squeals ]

[ Creature Groaning ]

[ Squealing ]

- [ Creature Whimpering ] - Don't be scared.

[ Whimpering Continues ]

I wasn't going to pull the trigger.

I wouldn't do that to you.

Oh, don't cry.

Ohh. Oh, you poor thing.

Um, here. Let me get you something.

Oh. Here.

You come with me. Come on.

Okay, Butch, out you go now. Out you go.

There.

Come on. All right.

You sit here in Butch's basket.

There. Nice and comfy.

- There. - [ Toy Squeaks ]

- Here you are. - [ Gurgling ]

I'll go get you a nice surprise.

You stay right there.

I'll go get you a nice bowl of broken glass.

Maybe you should stay with us for a while.

I mean,

what if some hunter found you?

Then where would you be?

On a wall over somebody's gas fireplace, that's where.

[ Creature Gulps ]

Oh! I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

You poor thing.

You just need a friend, don't you?

- Yeah. - [ Door Shuts ]

Bobby.

Oh! Stay here.

Bobby would just love to meet you.

[ Panting ]

Bobby.

Well, at least you didn't throw out my tapes.

Where'd you hide all the neat stuff?

- There's something that I've just got to show you. - Where are my books?

You make me watch Sesame Street, and you throw out my books?

Bobby, don't worry about that now.

- The garbage! - Bobby, wait.

Bobby. Bobby, forget about all this.

You got egg goop all over my Greibble!

I've got something wonderful to show you, something absolutely--

Hey!

[ Bobby ] Oh, it's my Indian headdress.

My first bunny!

My tiger!

Why'd you throw this away?

I've been looking for all this stuff.

My caboose.

Oh, here's my balloon mask.

Part of my gum-ball machine. I've been missing it.

[ Bobby Continues, Indistinct ]

- [ Cat Mews ] - I can't believe you threw these away.

Do you like The Greibble?

Yeah.

Yes, I like The Greibble.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man #1 ] Um, is there an... "H"?

[ Man #2 ] Yes, there's an "H."

There's an "H" right here. Good. There you go.

"C," "R," "M," "E," and...

"P" "S," "H," "N," "T."

- Mm-hmm. - Um, hmm.

"Crme and Pshnt."

- No. - Shoot. Uh--

[ Man #2 ] Come on now. Try it again.

Chrome and "passion-ment!" I don't know.

Come on, Bradshaw! It's Crime and Punishment!

- It's a book! - I don't read no books.

- What do they teach you in school? - Pledge Allegiance.

[ Man ] Reception, this is tower.

Inmate coining in. Petersen, Eric David.

Number 49292.

One State Marshal escort accompanying.

- Roger, Tower, we copy. - [ Laughs ] Petersen's back.

[ Buzzer Buzzes ]

- [ Thunder Rumbles ] - [ Door Closes ]

Hi, guys. That road's just about gone!

- Got one coming home. - [ Bradshaw Chuckles ] Not for long.

Hey, Petersen!

I guess that little heart-to-heart you had...

with the governor didn't cut much ice.

Well, it's good to see we finally got a governor...

who ain't gonna let a killer get off without paying in full.

Knock it off, Bradshaw.

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

All right. It's after 11:00. The Row's locked down for the night.

We're gonna have to put you in D-Unit till morning.

Here.

Come on in.

[ Jingling ]

What'd he do, anyway?

Well, hell, he's the guy that did that armored-car holdup couple years back.

The one where that guard got wasted.

- Well, tomorrow'll be his turn. - Yep.

Is there anybody you want me to contact? Anybody you want to see?

Can I call somebody for you?

Look, just shut up and leave me alone.

Tomorrow night, they pull the switch. I'm gone.

And the world keeps spinning.

Everybody's life means something.

Yeah? Well, mine never did.

[ Doors Slamming ]

Donnelly?

[ Buzzes ]

Well, lookee here.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chains Jingle ]

Now that's a single room, right, Mr. Petersen?

For one night. [ Chuckles ]

Come on, Petersen! Go for it!

[ Keys Jingle ]

[ Unlocks ]

Open it.

Sleep tight.

[ Match Flares ]

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

[ Mug Clatters ]

[ Buzzer Buzzes ]

[ Muttering ]

Hurry.

[ Whispering ] Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Who the hell are you? - I'm with you.

Just keep your mouth shut.

[ Man ] Come on. Hurry!

Come on. Come on!

- Come on! Get! - Go! Go!

Damn lightning!

- Go! Go! - [ Screams ]

- [ Siren Wails ] - Go! Go!

- Come on, guys. - Go! Go! Go!

- [ Wailing Continues ] - [ Chattering ]

[ Gunfire ]

[ Shouts ]

- [ Gunshot ] - [ Shouts ]

[ Shouts ]

[ Gunfire Continues ]

[ Screams ]

All are sedated, and most have only superficial wounds.

But Fowler has multiple gunshot wounds to the abdomen.

I've stabilized him as much as possible.

Without emergency surgery, my guess is he's gonna be gone in 30 minutes.

[ Gasping ]

[ Ragged Breathing ]

- Help. - Hey. Hey, cool it, man.

Hey, what are you-- Hey, lay down!

Hey, hey. [ Zaps ] Man, wha--

Hey, hey. Lay down.

Lay down. [ Zaps ]

Wha-- Wha--

- Petersen! - Huh?

What happened here?

- What did you do? - I-- I don't know.

Don't know? What do you mean? What do you mean you don't know?

- I don't know! - What the--

There's no pain.

There's no pain. There's no pain in my leg.

[ Chuckles ] What did you do?

[ Chuckling ] There's no pain in my leg!

I didn't do nothing.

- You fixed it! - I swear I didn't.

I didn't do nothin'.

Now listen. He pressed his hands against Fowler's body,

and there was this charge of electricity-- of-of energy.

In a few seconds, the man was healed!

I'm telling you. His-- His guts were falling out...

and Petersen put him back together.

You saw him, Doc! Right?

I mean-- I mean, look at him!

And look at me.

Twenty years with a hunk of shrapnel...

twisted in the muscles of this leg...

and now it's gone.

He fixed my leg!

- Meadows, I'm glad you think you feel better. - I don't just think!

But your claim that this man heals with a touch--

It's not just a claim.

Here, watch. Come over here.

Here.

Hi, Johnny. How's the arthritis today?

It's bad. Hurts like hell most of the time.

Petersen, come on.

No. No. [ Panting ]

I-- I don't understand what's going on.

But I am not gonna put on a show for him!

You are not gonna change your mind about me.

[ Panting ]

Look, God or devil,

I didn't ask to be able to do this.

I just want-- I just want to go back to my cell...

and be left alone until my time tomorrow.

Don't do it to show him.

Do it to help Johnny.

Good God, man, if you can stop this pain,

please, stop the hurting.

You can help him. Come on.

[ Sighs ]

Come on. You can help him. You have to help him.

That's it.

[ Zaps ]

[ Laughs ]

My hands! Look at my hands!

I got new hands!

I got new hands! Look at my hands!

Look at my hands! [ Laughing ]

[ Meadows ] Warden, the man's touch can heal.

You saw it for yourself.

He may've taken a life four years ago, but now he can give life.

You can't let him die.

You've got to call the governor.

[ Man ] Come on, brother! Heal me, man!

- Petersen! Come on! - Come on! Touch me, man!

- Got to help me, man. - What do they want from me?

I just wish they'd leave me alone.

Leave you alone? They can't leave you alone.

Not now. You have a gift.

[ Water Running ]

Life is just full of surprises. That's all.

[ Sniffs ]

Why? Why me? Why now?

I don't have an answer for that one.

I mean this-- this-- this power belongs with someone on the outside,

not somebody in here waitin' to die.

You know, maybe--

Maybe you're not supposed to go around healing the whole world.

Just help as many as you can.

What? These guys?

You saw the look on Johnny's face when you touched him,

when you took away the pain.

Yeah, and what good is it gonna do him?

Do as much as you can for the others in the time you have.

Just take away the pain.

Petersen, Warden wants to see you.

[ Door Locks ]

Sit down.

We both know since you've arrived here,

that I've done everything in my power...

to block commutation of your sentence.

I've spoken against you...

both to the prison commission and the governor.

You see, I believe in capital punishment.

- That hasn't changed. - [ Chuckles ]

I'll be honest with you.

I don't know if there's anything I can do to help you.

But I'll call the governor today.

I'll even make a statement to the press if I have to.

And I give you my solemn promise...

that I will do everything in the time remaining... to try and save you.

Honey.

This is my daughter. She's six years old.

She's been blind the last four.

Daddy, who's this?

Well, sweetheart, this is, uh--

A friend. I'm a friend of your father's.

My name's Casey. What's yours?

Eric. My name's Eric.

I'll do all that I can, Eric.

I mean, you understand, I can't promise you anything.

[ Whispers ] It's okay.

It's okay, sweetheart.

[ Zapping ]

[ Men Shouting, Overlapping ] Petersen! Petersen!

Just a flash, right here.

- Over here. - Touch me, man.

[ Shouting, Indistinct ]

I appreciate that, Governor.

Yeah. But we're talking about minutes now.

I have statements from ten witnesses who saw it, from beginning to end.

I know. I know.

You know my position on that.

But these are extraordinary circumstances.

"Thou, fool, that which thou sowest is not quickened,

except it die."

[ Petersen ] What time is it, Father?

11:48.

Twelve minutes.

You've done an awful lot of good today, Eric. A lot of good.

I did, didn't I?

[ Clanks ]

Uh, Eric,

I'm sorry.

It's funny.

All of a sudden, I'm not so, uh,

interested in being alone.

[ Doors Slamming ]

[ Ragged Breathing ]

[ Clock Chimes ]

[ Electricity Whirs ]

I'm sorry, Petersen.

[ Clears Throat ]

It's just not fair.

[ Clears Throat ]

I mean, all the people you could've helped.

- It's just not right. - [ Zaps ]

My God!

[ Zapping ]

Hey! Come here! Come here. Come here.

Hurry! Come over here!

Weren't you in the line up this morning? With the arm?

- Yes. - All right.

Touch his arm.

[ Puts Down Object ]

- Come on. - Isn't that--

Yes, he is. Grab his arm.

Come on! Come on!

- Open it up, Donnelly. - What's going on, Meadows?

Open up. Open up the block.

No way, man! Not a chance!

For once in your life, just do something right.

[ Buzzes ]

Get hold of him. Touch him.

- Come on, you guys. - What are you talking about?

Just grab a piece. Hold on. That's it. That's it.

Touch him. Come on. Everybody.

You too. Touch.

Just hold him. Touch him.

Everybody.

[ Zapping ]

What the hell is goin' on here?

My God.

What on earth do we do now?

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Crickets Chirping ]

David?

David?

[ Door Creaking ]

[ Man's Voice ] At last you've got it all,

- everything I have-- - [ Screams ]

even my life.

But you're not going to live to enjoy it.

Come with me, murderess. Come with me.

[ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

[ Screaming Continues ]

[ Man Laughing ]

- ...Pennsylvania-- - [ Birds Twittering ]

the western part of the state, was 32 degrees,

and that's a more realistic reading.

Look out again from North Dakota, South Dakota,

all across Montana, Idaho, northwestern Wyoming--

Look out for snow today.

And some of that will drip on down into northern Utah by tonight.

Here's what's happening in your world this morning.

Take a look. Our graphics department knocked themselves out.

From Billings to Rapid City, look at those temperatures.

Twenty-four degrees in Casper, Wyoming. Nineteen in Billings.

Now these are lows for this evening,

but in the meantime they've already got about 15 or 12 inches of snow...

up in the northern part of the Rockies right now, and more expected.

As you see in the western states--

really, from the Mississippi Valley all the way to the Atlantic coast--

it is clean as a hound dog's tooth.

And a quick birthday wish to Hattie Garrison...

of Montgomery County, Maryland.

She is 105 years old today.

Montgomery County Fair has a big race, only one in America.

Might check that out.

And Hermione Schwartz of Niles, Ohio,

is 100 years old--

[ Phone Ringing, Cackling ]

[ Weather Announcer Continues ]

[ Alarm Continues ]

[ Woman ] Damn it, Peter, you are late for school again.

I swear I don't understand why you can't--

- What? Hello. - set your alarm clock.

Or were you up all night watching television again?

I swear, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times,

11:00 is bedtime.

Now I am fed up with the attendance office calling me at work with--

God.

And another thing, Peter. When are you gonna cut that padlock off your door?

I am sick and tired of having to call you every morning from the kitchen.

This business of you coming and going...

through the bedroom window has got to stop, young man.

I swear I will call a locksmith, and if I have to cut it off myself,

you will pay for it out of your allowance.

You won't let me see your room. Well, small wonder.

I'll bet you could practically grow potatoes in there.

Probably have to call the pest control--

[ Man ] "I am in blood stepped in so far...

that should I wade no more,

returning were as tedious as go o'er."

Shakespeare, of course, was the most popular playwright of his day.

He wrote for the masses,

and that's why many of his plays...

contain overt acts of violence.

Richard III,

the fourth play Shakespeare ever wrote,

contains no less than 13 murders.

Is this a gum-chewer I see before me, Mr. Cusimano?

[ Swallows ]

Uh, no, sir, Mr. Beanes, sir.

I was just trying to pick a piece of food...

I had stuck between my teeth, sir.

Oh. So you weren't chewing gum then, Cusimano?

No, sir.

Then perhaps you would be good enough...

to identify...

this.

Uh, that's not my gum, sir, I swallow--

[ Beanes Chuckling ]

So you were in fact chewing gum.

You will dispose of the evidence, Mr. Cusimano,

by swallowing it... now.

Would you prefer to meet the misters?

- [ Students Murmuring ] - [ Girl ] Gross.

[ Gulps ]

As I was saying,

as Shakespeare matured as a dramatist,

murder remained an important element of his tragedies--

which of course brings us to our assignment: Macbeth.

Unlike Richard III,

Shakespeare did not paint Macbeth in shades of pure black,

and Macbeth committed his murders...

for a different underlying motivation than did Richard.

And what was Macbeth's motivation?

I can give you the answer in one word,

one simple, three-letter word which I am sure is a part...

of all your puny, paltry, pubescent,

puerile, pedestrian vocabularies.

[ Chalk Squeaks ]

So, Mr. Brand,

I see that you've decided to grace us all...

with your illustrious presence this morning.

Time waits for no man, Mr. Brand,

neither does it wait for little boys.

And if this tardy slip does not serve...

as a reminder of that fact to you, Mr. Brand,

let me point out that if you earn just one more of these,

I'll have you right where I want you: in detention.

Sex, ladies and gentlemen.

- Sex, boys and girls-- - [ Whispering ] Do you have my homework?

[ Beanes Continues ] my little lambs.

Sex. S-E-X.

Sex was the underlying motive behind Macbeth's heinous actions.

The insidious Lady Macbeth used sex--

the promise of it, the implied, threatened denial of it--

to control and dominate her husband.

I daresay things have not changed a great deal in the last few centuries,

because men-- perhaps even some in this very room--

continue to say things, do things...

and participate in behavior they wouldn't normally dream of...

for the promise of sexual favor.

Now that I've managed to attract...

your obsessive, libido-infested attentions,

I shall return your homework.

As usual, these essays are a disgrace.

Miss Davidson, "F."

Miss Markowitz, "F."

Mr. Polinsky, "F."

Miss Wilson, F-plus. Your spelling was good.

And now we come to a most curious circumstance:

two papers that are absolutely identical,

but have different names on them.

One of the names is Peter Brand,

and the other is Cynthia Simpson.

Although such an occurrence...

is within the realm of the laws of probability,

I have another explanation for it:

plagiarism,

which, if the word is not known to either of your infantile intelligences,

is defined as "the passing off as your own the work of someone else."

So,

now I ask the burning question:

Who is the guilty party?

If neither of you will admit your guilt, both of you shall be punished for it.

[ Tapping Desk ]

- [ Paper Cutter Slices ] - Um, I-- I'm guilty.

I copied Cynthia's paper, sir.

[ Sighs ]

I am surprised, Miss Simpson.

Your paper was quite coherent.

C-plus, the best grade in the class.

As for you, Mr. Brand,

nothing is as vile, despicable, and degenerate as a plagiarist.

Now get your dissembling Publius Maximus up here...

and prepare to meet the misters!

Arms out!

Now, Mr. Brand, prepare to meet Mr. Funk,

Mr. Wagnall,

Mr. Webster,

Mr. Random,

Mr. House...

and our good friend, Mr. Shakespeare.

Kneel.

If you drop any of those books, Mr. Brand, I'll have your head.

[ Students Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Cynthia ] Hi.

Boy, the Burrito sure came down hard on you this morning.

Tell me about it. My arms are still sore.

You know, what's his problem anyway?

He's perverse. I mean, you heard his lecture.

He blames everything bad on sex, Mr. Brand.

What would he know about it?

Somebody ought to do something about him.

Somebody ought to do something to him.

[ Clattering ]

[ Glass Shatters ]

Peter, what are you doing tonight?

Homework.

You want to fix Beanes?

I mean, really fix him? Mess with his head?

[ Men Shouting ]

What have you got in mind?

Have you played that new album I bought for you backwards yet?

[ Chuckles ] No. Why should I?

When you play "Blood Sausage" backwards,

there's all these great spells and incantations and stuff.

"Teacher's Threat" has got this great curse on it,

but you gotta do it exactly at midnight,

so I'll come over around 11:00.

Tonight? 11:00? My house?

[ Stammers ] You're gonna come over?

I'll be in my room.

Radical.

I'll see you around 11:00.

Oh, don't worry about the severed bat wing. I've got one.

- [ Car Horn Honks ] - [ Brakes Squeal ]

- [ Laughs ] - [ Cars Crash ]

Severed bat wing?

?? [ Rock Playing Backwards ]

[ Man ] Add dirt from a grave that is freshly dug,

and a fingertip of a dead relation by blood.

This mixture ignite at the stroke of midnight...

by the united hand of woman and man.

Do thus as is written,

and so shall the victim suffer this night...

the curse of Dalkite.

?? [ Ends ]

Curse of Dalkite?

[ Whimpers, Groans ]

Ow.

[ Groans ]

Hi.

Did I scare you?

No. No, not at all. I was just tripping over my shoelaces.

- This is your room? - Yeah. This-- This is it.

Do you think it's radical?

Yeah.

Oh, Peter.

- I hate this picture. - Oh, well, I just--

[ Stammers ]

- This is your bed, huh? - Yeah. That's my bed.

Do you use it much?

Um, C-Cynthia,

what-- what exactly is the curse of Dalkite?

- Hiccups. - Hiccups?

Yeah. The curse of Dalkite gives the victim hiccups.

I did it to my mother last week after she grounded me.

She had the hiccups for three solid days. It was hilarious.

My father finally had to take her to the hospital.

No kidding?

Yeah. Three solid days.

Can you imagine Beanes trying to recite Shakespeare with the hiccups?

It'll be a scream, I tell you.

That would be great.

Wait a minute.

Look, when you did this to your mother,

where did you get a fingertip of a dead blood relative from?

Well, actually, I didn't use a fingertip.

I used a lock of my dead grandmother's hair from the family album.

But, Peter, tonight we gotta use a fingertip.

Yeah, but where do we get one?

Where do you think?

[ Bird Squawking ]

[ Cynthia Laughs ] This is way cool.

[ Peter ] Yeah. [ Weak Chuckle ]

[ Bell Tolling ]

We gotta hurry. It's 11:30 already.

[ Peter ] Can I carry that thing for you?

- Thank you, Peter. - [ Bag Clanks ]

[ Peter ] What do you have in here? Sledgehammer?

- Shh! - What?

[ Wind Whistling ]

- [ Birds Calling ] - [ Crickets Chirping ]

I thought I heard something.

What?

An open grave.

[ Owl Hoots ]

- [ Whispering ] Get in. - What?

Get down there and get some dirt.

Uh-uh. I'm not going down there.

We need dirt from a freshly dug grave.

There's plenty of dirt on the pile right here.

- It has to be from the bottom. - Wait a minute.

I don't remember the record saying anything...

about the dirt having to be from the bottom.

Look, if you're too chicken to jump into a little hole, I'll do it.

I'm not chicken.

I just want to make sure it's necessary, all right?

Go for it.

Careful.

- See ya. - Bye.

- [ Thuds ] - Peter.

I'm okay.

Get some dirt.

- How much do we need? - Just a handful.

- Okay, now, where do I put-- - Shh!

Cyn?

No, come on. Stop kidding around.

- I got the di-- - [ Branches Rustling ]

Cyn.

- Cynthia? - [ Dog Howls ]

- [ Cynthia Stammers ] - Cynthia?

[ Ragged Breathing ]

[ Peter ] Aaah!

Stay down.

[ Man Wheezing ]

[ Mutters ]

- He's coming back! - Who?

Shh.

[ Mutters ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Mumbling ]

Must be the caretaker.

Look, Cyn, I think we ought to call it a night.

You can't.

Remember the record?

"United hand of a woman and man."

You are a man, aren't you?

Oh. Mmm.

So we're a team now...

till death do us part.

Death.

[ Owl Hooting ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Cynthia ] Here it is.

The Beanes family crypt.

[ Peter ] Oh, boy.

It's locked. Darn. Well, I guess we'd better call it a night.

- Okay, sledgehammer. - Sledgehammer?

Let's check it out.

I know I'm gonna regret this.

[ Hinges Creaking ]

[ Cynthia Grunts ]

[ Peter ] Ooh.

Do I smell what I think I smell?

Look at this place.

It's perfect.

Everything we need is here.

[ Wick Hisses ]

[ Blows On Match ]

[ Cement Scraping ]

Severed bat wing.

Katydids.

[ Rattles ]

Graven image.

What?

The picture of Beanes in the yearbook.

Rosewater.

[ Chuckles ]

Dirt from a freshly dug grave.

And now the pi�ce de r�sistance:

fingertip of a blood relative.

[ Dog Howls ]

[ Peter ] Guess we have to do this, huh?

[ Pot Bubbling ]

[ Creaking ]

- Damn. Wrong side. - [ Bell Tolls ]

It's midnight!

We gotta finish before the clock strikes 12:00.

Get the fingertip.

- But you mean that I-- - [ Bell Tolls ]

Hurry up.

[ Bell Tolls ]

Mmm. Mmm.

[ Bell Tolls ]

[ Bell Tolls ]

What's taking so long?

[ Stammers ] The shears aren't sharp enough.

- [ Bell Tolls ] - Put some muscle into it.

[ Bell Tolls ]

- That's seven already. - [ Groans ]

I'm trying to. It just--

[ Moans ]

[ Bell Tolls ]

Eight.

[ Bell Tolls ]

Nine.

- [ Grunts ] - [ Bell Tolls ]

- Ten. - [ Screams ]

- [ Bell Tolls ] - Eleven.

- [ Moaning ] - Throw it in!

- [ Whooshing ] - [ Bell Tolls ]

[ Both Screaming ]

[ Cynthia Gasps ]

[ Cynthia Screaming ]

[ Groans ]

[ Wheezing ]

[ Belches, Mutters ]

[ Peter ] There it is-- The house of Beanes.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Owl Hoots ]

Look. There's a light on.

I'll bet the hiccups woke him up.

He's probably trying to get rid of 'em.

[ Cynthia ] Let's wait till tomorrow to see if this really worked.

Tomorrow? [ Chuckles ]

After what we just went through? Come on.

Come on.

[ Gate Creaking ]

[ Frog Croaking, Hiccupping ]

[ Croaking, Hiccupping Continue ]

[ Cynthia ] I can hear him, but I can't see him.

[ Croaking, Hiccupping Continue ]

[ Croaking, Hiccupping ]

[ Peter ] Look.

- [ Croaks, Hiccups ] - [ Cynthia ] Oh.

Only Beanes would name a frog Shakespeare.

[ Mews ]

- [ Mewing Continues ] - [ Peter ] Give me the flashlight.

[ Cynthia ] What?

[ Thunderclap ]

Oh, my God. We killed him!

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Glass Shatters ]

Turn on the light.

[ Peter Groans ]

There's nothing. He's a goner, and we're responsible.

Don't jump to conclusions. People drop dead all the time.

Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain that?

The clock stopped exactly at midnight.

Look, we should just go home and forget all this.

- Wha-- - Let the police deal with this.

Are you crazy? My fingerprints are all over him.

Your fingerprints are on the door and the light switch.

You know, we could get the electric chair for this.

[ Cynthia ] You can't get the chair for killing a teacher.

- You can't? - No.

You get the gas chamber in this state.

- I'm leaving. - No. Look-- We killed this man.

We did this together. We're in this together.

"Till death do us part," remember?

[ Cynthia ] Okay. What do we do?

I don't know. I think--

Wish there was a spell that would bring him back to life.

There is. Look.

Side two, cut three--

[ Together ] "The Dead Shall Rise."

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Man ] Place the mixture at the toes...

of the victim in repose.

And to this confection add the water of resurrection.

Thus come Dalkite's demise, and thy victim shall arise.

Dalkite's demise.

If this doesn't work, nothing will.

I think I found everything we need.

Look, I still say we should just lay him on the couch.

He has to be in repose, which means "in bed."

- You want to take chances on the instructions? - No way. I just--

Cynthia, look. What if this doesn't work?

No problem.

That means the curse of Dalkite didn't kill him--

- [ Grunts ] - we're off the hook...

and we're free of Beanes forever.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Cynthia ] The plucked feather.

The unpeeled orange.

Soapstone.

Salt.

Graven image.

- [ Cynthia ] Come on, hurry up. - I found it, okay? Just--

You tore his head off.

Cool it.

[ Cynthia ] Now all we need is the water of resurrection.

French mineral water?

It's either that or tap water.

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Wind Roaring ]

Mr. Beanes?

Are you alive?

So how long does it take for the dead to rise?

I guess it could take up to three days.

[ Beanes Inhales ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Inhaling, Exhaling ]

Mr. Brand. Miss Simpson.

Prepare to meet the misters!

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ Cynthia Whimpering ]

This can't be happening, all right? It's gotta be a hallucination.

[ Door Creaking ]

[ Peter Whimpers ]

Where do you two think you're going?

- [ Beanes Laughing ] - Come on!

[ Peter Groans ]

[ Knob Rattling ]

[ Both Moan ]

Can't you see it's locked? Use your head, man.

- Ow! - [ Cynthia Moans ]

It won't open.

Damn!

You won't escape my...

fury, children!

- Here I come! - [ Cynthia ] Oh!

[ Cynthia Whimpering ]

- [ Peter Shouts ] - Aaah!

I'm caught.

Why aren't you home doing your homework, Miss Simpson?

At a time like this, you're thinking about sex, Mr. Brand?

[ Beanes ] Get down here!

What's the matter, are you blind?

- [ Cynthia Moaning ] - They're getting away!

For heaven's sake, jump!

Hurry up! Jump!

Hurry, you brainless idiot. Jump!

Hurry, will you? Hurry!

[ Groans ]

[ Cynthia Gasps, Moans ]

[ Both Scream ]

You two will never escape my wrath.

[ Beanes Laughing ]

[ Screams ]

[ Laughing ]

- [ Growls ] - Aaah! Aaah!

[ Peter Babbling ]

Get it off! Get it off!

- [ Cynthia Screams ] - [ Beanes, Muffled ]

[ Cynthia ] Kick it off!

[ Screaming ]

Ooh, whoo, whoo!

Okay. I'm gonna get the bus, okay?

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

- [ Groans ] - Peter, you better get on here.

- Run! - Wait!

Hurry! Hurry, you fool!

Hurry! Aaah!

So, Mr. Brand.

[ Groans ] Please, no!

It wasn't my idea.

She made me do it.

Sex made you do it, Mr. Brand!

You should have paid attention to Macbeth instead of Cynthia.

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

Time waits for no man, Mr. Brand.

Faster, you fool!

Brand! I wanna hurt you!

I'll get you for this!

[ Laughing ]

I'm right behind you.

- Hah! - [ Whimpers ]

I see you haven't done your homework, Mr. Brand!

[ Groans ]

[ Wind Whistling ]

[ Thunderclap ]

I want to see you in detention, Mr. Brand.

[ Moans ]

[ Ringing, Cackling ]

[ Ringing, Cackling Continue ]

Uh--

[ Woman ] Damn it, Peter, you are late for school again!

Every morning it is the same thing over and over.

Late for school, late for school.

Now move it, young man.

And by the way, when are you gonna cut that padlock off your door?

[ Door Opens, Slams ]

Hah! Mr. Brand.

You're tardy again,

so I finally have you where I want you, Mr. Brand:

in detention!

Mr. Beanes, you--

Detention's fine, just as long as you're okay.

Well, actually, I have a bit of a sore throat.

[ Laughing ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

?? [ Country ]

[ Woman ] ? If you've got leavin' on your mind ?

? Tell me now Get it over ?

? Hurt me now Get it over ?

? If you got leavin' on your mind ?

? If there's a new love in your heart ?

[ Girl ] ? Tell me now Get it over ?

?? [ Humming ]

[ Spray Paint Can Rattling ]

Will you be diggin' today, Calvin?

I mean, seein' as how tomorrow's Thanksgiving and all,

I thought maybe we'd go get us a turkey.

You're just like your poor, crazy mother,

always tryin' to think up some lame excuse to celebrate.

There ain't gonna be no holidays until we find water.

? If there's a new love in your heart ?

? Tell me now ?

[ Chuckles ]

Now go get your chores done.

I need you to haul dirt.

? Hurt me now Get it over ?

? If there's a new love in your heart ?

[ Jingling ]

[ Girl ] With any luck at all, we'll find water today,

and then my stepdaddy'll get us a turkey.

Send us some luck, Mama.

Please help us find water today.

? If you've got leavin' on your-- ?

- [ Strums ] - ? Mind ?

? Tell me... now ?

? Get it over ?

? Hurt me n-- ?? [ Gasps ]

I'm coming right now, Calvin.

I'm out there slavin' to find water,

and you're in here playing missy country-and-western star.

I've just about had it with you, girl.

- You hear? - Yes, sir.

I am gonna put an end to this caterwaulin' nonsense right now.

- [ Exhales ] - Now get on out there.

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Grunts ] Haul away!

Oh!

Hey! [ Spitting ] Dora!

I'm sorry, Calvin! It's just so heavy!

Quit your bellyachin' and haul away.

Oh, please, Mama, please.

Let something happen-- anything--

just so I don't have to haul any more of this dirt!

[ Wind Howling ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ] Oh!

[ Air Rumbling ]

I'm sorry, Calvin. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

I tried to hold it, but it just slipped right out of my hands!

I tried to, but I couldn't help it.

You-- You won't believe what happened down there.

I'm not so sure I believe it myself.

The bottom just dropped right out from under me.

For one second there, I was just standing on thin air.

[ Sighs ] If it wasn't for that ladder, I'd be in China.

- [ Whimpers ] - [ Dora ] The bottom...

dropped out?

What are you gonna do, Calvin?

[ Beeping ]

I can't see the light anymore.

I'm gonna pull it up.

Must be caught on something.

- [ Gasps ] Whoa! - Did you see that?

That line jerked in my hand!

Calvin, how could it?

There's something down there.

What'd I say? What'd I say?

It could be a fish. I read a story once--

Don't feel like no fish to me.

That doesn't make sense.

What the heck could be down there?

Hmm.

Calvin, what is it?

Huh.

My Lord.

Gold. Pure gold.

For a flashlight?

It's like National Geographic.

Gimme that.

What's it say, Calvin?

I don't know what it says,

but I sure do know what it means!

- Yeehaw! - What, Calvin?

Listen. Don't you let anybody go near that hole.

Anybody, you hear?

And that includes you!

- But, Calvin! - [ Laughs ]

But, Calvin, what am I supposed to do?

Just like you always do-- nothin'.

Calvin.

Hello?

Hello down there.

"Dear Hole People,

How are you?"

Who are you?

Your friend,

Dora Johnson.

Hope they can understand English.

[ Gasps ]

- [ Gasps ] - [ Barks ]

"Using your crude code book,

our scholars have determined this food to be ham."

[ Chuckles ] "Very tasty.

Payment enclosed. What else do you have?"

[ Scoffs ] No way.

He'd kill me.

[ Wheel Squeaking ]

- ? Crazy ? - [ Echoes ] ? Crazy ?

- ? I'm crazy ? - [ Echoes ] ? I'm crazy ?

- ? For feelin' ? - [ Echoes ] ? For feelin' ?

- ? So lonely ? - [ Echoes ] ? So lonely ?

- [ Laughs ] - [ Laugh Echoes ]

- ? I'm crazy ?? - [ Echoes ] ? I'm crazy ??

[ Barks ]

- [ Grunts ] - [ Barks ]

"Our scholars have determined this food to be chicken.

Very tasty. Payment enclosed. What else do you have?"

You do your chores yet?

- Um-- - Well, do 'em!

Calvin, you're gonna be sending down those flashlights?

Make me some dinner.

Well, Calvin, I think them hole people would much rather have--

Dinner. Fix me some dinner!

Go on.

My worries are over.

New truck. New house. A real well.

We'll advertise.

Maybe even put in a water slide.

Calvin, there's somethin' I gotta tell you.

It hit bottom! It's hit bottom.

[ Sighs ]

[ Winch Whirring ]

[ Stops ]

Traitors!

Ingrates!

Animals!

No-good, double-dealin', two-timin', schemin' animals!

"Our scholars have determined these devices to be flashlights.

Prefer chicken. No payment enclosed.

What else do you have?"

- [ Dog Barking ] - Calvin, what are you gonna do?

Slimy, stinkin', cheatin' lowlifes!

This is war! You hear me?

War!

Calvin, please, wait up.

You give me ten minutes with them grubs. Then you haul me up!

Hear me, girl? Ten minutes.

You can't go down there, Calvin.

What's the matter with you, girl?

That's real gold down there. It's mine.

It's a sign, Calvin!

People waste their whole lives thinkin' they're cheated...

'cause they want somebody else's luck or money-- somebody else's life.

This hole here-- This hole here is like a sign...

for us to stand up and say, "Amen! What we have here is good!"

All we gotta do, Calvin, is we gotta turn our back away from that hole.

Now!

Did you get yourself another piece of gold out of that hole, girl?

Are you stealin' my gold so you can play missy country-and-western star?

You know, you get yourself a pretty dress...

and a leather hat, and a shiny white guitar, and you're still gonna be nothing.

You ain't no Loretta Lynn.

No, you're just like your mama--

a worthless, stupid farm girl that ain't never amount to nothin'.

I ain't touched your gold, Calvin.

[ Metal Clanking ]

Ten minutes! Now lower away.

Time's up, Calvin.

In all the days you've been my stepdaddy,

if you'd have just said one nice thing to me, I wouldn't be doin' this now.

Calvin, you're a mean, no-good, lying, worthless ball of slime!

You was born that way!

That's your work.

Everybody has a reason.

And yours is to make folks miserable.

- [ Metal Clanks ] - [ Dog Barks ]

Oh, dear Mama!

Oh, dear Mama, help me!

[ Winch Creaking ]

[ Hissing ]

[ Dog Barking ]

Calvin, you alone?

[ Dog Barking ]

Calvin?

You okay?

[ Gunshot ]

"Our scholars have determined this food...

to be turkey.

Delicious.

Payment enclosed. What else do you have?"

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Man On P.A. ] Will all the pumpkin girls please report to the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we conclude this year's Yarborough Country Fair...

by announcing the winner of the Governor's Grand Prize...

Pumpkin Competition!

And this year...

extra prize money donated by the folks at Peploe Chick Feed...

will bring the winner a grand total of $2,000!

[ Cheering ]

Now, since the governor couldn't be here,

I'd like to turn the mike over to the mayor of Yarborough,

Mayor Chester A. Barnsworth. Chet?

Thanks, Ernie.

Folks, it sure was tough to pick this year's winning pumpkin...

and not just 'cause the last event was the beer tasting.

[ Laughing ]

Nah. Folks, I'm pleased to announce...

that the Governor's Prize...

of $2,000...

goes to--

[ Sheep Bleats ]

[ Chattering ]

- Mildred McMinamin! - [ Cheering ]

Come on up here, Mildred! Come on up!

Ohh. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, thank you.

Oh, look!

Mmm... no!

It's a fix!

It's fixed! It's fixed! Let me through! Let me through here!

Out of my way! Everyone knows it's fixed! It's fixed! It's fixed!

- [ Crowd Gasps ] - [ Woman ] My pumpkin!

Take your hands off me. Take your hands off me.

Elma Dinnock, what's the meaning of this?

Chester Barnsworth, for 21 years...

I've entered this infernal competition,

and not once-- not once have I ever won!

- And do you know why? Because it's fixed! - No, Elma.

Oh, no? Then explain this to me, Mr. Mayor.

The same sun shines on my pumpkin as shines on the winner.

I plant my pumpkin in the same county soil.

The same rain waters my pumpkin.

If it's not fixed, then why do I always lose?

I'll tell you why lose, Elma Dinnock!

- You lose because you are a selfish old witch! - [ Gasps ]

You may own half the county,

but you never give of yourself to anything or anyone.

And that includes your pumpkins!

- That's enough, Mildred. - Oh, no, Chester.

No one ever speaks frankly to Elma...

because her bank has foreclosed on so many these folks.

Well, it's time someone spoke up!

It's time you knew, Elma, why the others always win.

They win because they give of themselves.

Loving attention.

To be rewarded in life, Elma, one must give.

Whether you're raising vegetables or raising children.

Oh, of course.

You've never had that chance to give to a family.

I'm--

[ Adding Machine Clanks, Dings ]

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Botheration. Never fails.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - I hear ya. I hear ya.

- What do you want? - Uh, good day, madam.

I'm Bertram Carver, professor of Agricultural Science from the State University.

I have something you might be interested in.

Just as I thought, a salesman.

- Can't you read? - Uh, but, I'm not--

- [ Footsteps Departing ] - But you can win next year's pumpkin competition!

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

How's that again?

Well, talk, Professor. I get a penny apiece for these.

Every nine seconds I'm not stuffing I'm out a nickel.

Letting you in here cost me 30 cents.

- [ Clatters, Dings ] - I'm sorry, madam.

Well?

Well-- [ Clears Throat ]

As I said, I'm a professor of Agricultural Science.

You've heard of my research to end hunger?

Are you aware, Miss Dinnock,

that one-fifth of the world's population is starving?

They're no concern of mine, sir.

Get to the point. Time is money.

Yes.

Well...

this... is my point.

[ Laughs ]

A green bowling ball? [ Laughs ]

Not a bowling ball, Miss Dinnock.

This is gonna feed the world's hungry.

Here.

Taste it.

Taste it?

[ Sniffs ]

Go ahead.

- That's a pea. - To be exact,

Pisum sativum of the genus Lathyrus.

Or the common sweet pea.

- But it's so big. - Exactly!

My experiments in microbotany have been extremely successful.

But alas, madam, I've exhausted my grant.

I need funds to continue, and that's why I'm here.

I need, Miss Dinnock, just $10,000...

to complete my research.

And why should I lend you $10,000?

Oh, not lend me.

- Give. - [ Coughs ]

Give? You've taken enough of my time, sir. Get out of here. Out! Out!

- Get out! Out! Out! - In return...

I'll give you my growth formula...

to win the next pumpkin competition.

[ Elma ] You're certain this is tax deductible?

Absolutely.

Yes. Well, Mr. Carver,

I would like to... give you $10,000,

but due to my financial situation, I can only...

give you half.

But I need 10,000.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Just as I thought.

You realize that if this is a sham, you'll be apprehended by the authorities...

and spend the rest of your miserable life in jail.

I assure, madam, it's authentic.

Follow these directions.

Good day, madam.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Rooster Crows ]

Tomorrow, Professor Carver, I'm calling the cops.

[ Bucket Clatters ]

- [ Roosters Crowing ] - [ Wood Creaking ]

[ Creaking Continues ]

- [ Thumping ] - [ Dog Barking In Distance ]

[ Creaking ]

- [ Dog Barking Continues ] - [ Creaking ]

[ Crashing ]

[ Barking Continues ]

[ Barking Stops ]

[ Giggles ]

?? [ Humming ]

[ Crows ]

Thank you. Thanks, Mildred.

Well, well. I see they gave you number one.

Oh, but, Elma, the defending champion...

always has the honor of the number one.

Yes, well, I guess that's an honor I'll never know...

since this selfish old witch will never win.

Elma, if what I said last year hurt you, I'm sorry.

But it's true, you know.

God always rewards those who give.

- Is that so, Mildred? - Oh, I believe it.

Lord knows we could all be more giving.

But, Mildred, how could you, pray tell, be more giving?

I could tell you that my pumpkin is bigger than last year's.

Now that would save you disappointment...

and the $2.00 entry fee,

- which I know is very important to you. - [ Laughs ]

Your lies won't keep me from registering my pumpkin.

No, no, I will not withdraw so that you can win by default, Mildred McMinamin.

And neither will anyone else here.

I was trying to be kind to save you pain.

But I guess I was wrong.

Yes, you were wrong, Mildred. You were wrong about everything.

And especially wrong about saying that I'm not going to win this year.

Oh, am I now?

In fact, I'll wager my entire estate-- all 14,000 acres--

against that sweet, little house trailer of yours that I'm going to win!

Elma, you're-- you're crazy!

I see. You're afraid to bet.

And after suggesting that I withdraw.

How does that look, Mildred?

All right!

- It's a bet? My estate against your house trailer? - Yes!

My bank account against yours-- winner take all?

Yes! Yes! Anything you say!

I say so, and you're all witnesses!

Pumpkin against pumpkin in tomorrow's competition.

- [ Sighs ] - Mildred?

Do your friends really believe all that about...

"blessed be the givers"?

I'm sure they do.

Good.

Since you'll be asking them to give you a place to stay.

[ Laughs ]

Hello? Yes, this is still Elma Dinnock, and I'm still holding.

I've been trying to get through all morning.

Is this 24-Hour Movers-- "Always Ready, Always Waiting"?

Yes, I want one of your large open-bed trucks.

The biggest one you've got.

Well, what do you mean there's no one there?

If there's no one there, who the dickens are you?

I see. Well, Mr. Custodial Crew,

let me talk to somebody who can rent me a truck.

Well, when will they be back?

[ Hammer Thuds On Ground ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Panting ]

Ohh!

[ Engine Cranking ]

[ Engine Starts ]

- [ Engine Revs ] - [ Tires Squealing ]

Ahh!

[ Tires Squealing ]

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ Bell Ringing Continues ]

[ Ernie On P.A. ] And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the final event of the fair--

the Governor's Grand Prize Pumpkin Competition!

[ Cheering ]

Well, since the judges are still conferring,

uh, it'll be a while.

Look! Ma! Ma, look! Look, it's the Great Pumpkin!

It's Cinderella! Look! Look!

- Yes, dear. - Mom, look!

I keep telling you, George, the kid's too old for fairy tales.

Mom! Mom! Mom!

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it.

[ Ernie On P.A. ] Well, the judges have finally reached a decision.

Since the governor couldn't be here this year,

here to make the big announcement is our own Mayor Barnsworth!

- [ Cheering, Applauding ] - Chet?

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it.

[ Chet On P.A. ] Well-- [ Laughs ]

I don't know how she did it, but, uh, we got the same winner two years in a row.

- [ Chattering ] - [ Applauding ]

[ Woman ] Congratulations!

[ Chet On P.A. ] That's right, folks, for the first time ever...

in the history of the Yarborough Country Fair--

- [ Horn Honking ] - our reigning champion herself...

- has walked off with the first prize ribbon! - Ohh!

The winner of this year's Governor's Grand Prize Pumpkin Competition is...

Mildred McMinamin!

Come on up here, Mildred!

- [ Horn Honking ] - [ Screaming ]

Wait! Wait!

My pumpkin-- My pumpkin wasn't judged!

My pumpkin wasn't judged! It wasn't judged!

But, Elma, we looked for your pumpkin. Where is it?

It's right here!

Here. Here. It's right here.

- [ Grunts ] - [ All ] Ew!

Elma, is that a pumpkin?

Well, of course that's a pumpkin!

Well, you can see it was bigger than all the others.

I demand to be declared the winner!

Elma-- [ Laughs ]

obviously you haven't seen this year's entries.

What?

[ Mildred ] Quite amazing, really.

A professor asked us for $5,000...

to complete his research to end hunger.

Of course, we all gave.

And in return...

he gave us his growth formula.

[ Screams ]

Ohh! Ohh!

[ Grunting ]

[ Screaming ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

You don't have to go out, Mom.

No, they're the wrong colors, Michael.

Well, I don't care who said they were.

I'm telling you they're not.

- I saw the fabrics they chose... - Mom!

and what she delivered isn't anywhere near--

No, look. I'm getting John on the line and-- Michael, just hold a second--

I don't want you to go out, Mom.

I'll put John on conference. Hold on.

What if you don't come back?

Shh.

John, I've got Michael on. And he says--

Hello? Hello? Hello? Damn!

Raymond! Honey, it's on the blink again.

- What if-- What if-- - Not now, Jonah. Raymond!

Where's the babysitter, Pam? We're supposed to be there already.

- Daddy. - I don't know.

Oh, Raymond, John has confused my orders again. And that damn phone!

Well, there's not much we can do about it tonight, is there?

- I suppose. - Don't go out, okay?

- Zip me up, will you, darling? - Sure.

What if something happens to you? Who's going to take care of me?

Nothing's going to happen to us.

I don't know. I think something is happening to me right now.

- But what if-- - Stop being a baby, Jonah.

You're a big boy, not a baby.

- You smell wonderful. - [ Chuckles ]

You are incorrigible.

- Jonah, put that down! - I just wanted to--

I've told you. These phones are very--

What-- Oh, Jonah.

I've asked you not to play with these things in the house.

Oh, and there's junk all over the carpet!

Raymond, you talk to him.

Raymond.

- What's that on the floor? - My truck.

And where does it belong?

- In my room. - Right.

- The coloring book? - In my room.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Thank God you're here.

- Hi, Mrs. Kelley, Mr. Kelley. - Marsha.

Jonah, are those your pictures in the kitchen?

I drew them for you and Daddy.

Well, that's-that's very nice, honey.

But they don't belong on the refrigerator.

I want you to put them in your room.

They'll look much nicer in your room.

Everything-- Everything that's yours, you keep in your room, okay?

Good boy.

Who will I live with if you don't come back?

I don't know, Jonah. Maybe your Uncle William.

He doesn't like little boys.

[ Rattling ]

Marsha, will you play with me?

I can't. I have homework.

- What time is it? - Your bedtime.

When are they coming back?

Jonah, I'm trying to read, okay?

Go to bed.

Wait. Pick up your toys.

Do you want a little boy?

Not now. Maybe later when I'm a little older.

Good night, Jonah.

[ Wind Blowing ]

Don't let them get me, Bear. Don't.

Are they in the closet?

No, they're living in the wall.

What if they don't come back this time, Bear?

What if the monsters come to get me...

and nobody sees them, and they take me away?

What if they die, Bear? What if--

? Your mommy comes back She always comes back ?

? She never will forget you ??

[ Alarm Beeps ]

[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Beeping Continues ]

[ Footsteps ]

[ Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

Mmm.

Don't go out tonight, okay?

Just stay home and watch television, okay?

Can't.

Raymond! Honey, we're late!

Why do you have to go out again?

Don't start. Oh, my head.

They just kept pouring the champagne, and pouring it and pouring it.

[ Chuckles ] And Raymond.

Well, you know how he gets when he--

Oh, boy.

[ Honking ]

- What is that? - My bus.

Oh. Well, you'd better hurry.

Will you and Daddy be here when I get home?

- What are these? - I'll put them in my room.

- Mmm. - [ Chuckles ]

Honey, there's a bus in our driveway.

- It's my bus, Daddy. - Well, it's leaving.

[ Sighs ] Well, how's the head?

- Not so bad now. - Mmm, good.

Who do we have to see this morning?

The Sterns at 10:00. The sofa factory at 11:00.

And I promised the Robbins we'd drop by after lunch.

- Not the Robbins. - Yes. [ Chuckles ]

Need some coffee?

[ Raymond ] Yeah, let's break in the new espresso machine.

[ Chuckles ] Like you broke in the last one?

One cup and "kablooey."

Yeah, but it sure was a good cup.

[ Woman Chuckles ]

[ Baby Cooing ]

Do you want a little boy?

I'm afraid I already have my hands full.

[ Seat Belt Clicks ]

- [ Engine Starts ] - [ Disco Blasting On Radio ]

Oh, I hate that stuff. And I hate this damn car.

If you got a job, maybe we could buy our own car.

- My sister-- - How do you expect me to find work...

when I have to do her damn shopping, babysit her damn kids?

Good question, since you spend most of the day sleeping under her "damn" roof!

Thank you. That's very nice.

You know, you might take up for me every once in a while...

instead of always taking up for your sister.

Every time we have an argument, all you have to do--

If it wasn't for her, where would we be?

- Are you going to have a baby? - Yes, I am.

Actually, I've been hoping for a boy... just like you.

What did you get him?

- Do you want to see? - Yes.

- Bear. - Bear?

- Yeah, Bear. - Well, then. That's his name.

Hello, Bear.

You be careful crossing the street, okay?

Okay.

Good-bye.

Bye.

- Jonah. - Yes?

Are you ready to cross now?

Yeah.

Will you be here when I finish school?

I'll make sure you get home.

[ Door Closes ]

Hello!

I'm back from school!

[ Man's Voice ] Jonah.

Jonah, I'm over here.

Are you in there?

Thank you.

[ Woman On TV ] I don't want to put a scare in you boys,

'cause you seem like big men in little boys' bodies.

And there's no reason in God's earth to be scared of nothing!

[ Raymond ] That was the slowest movie I've ever seen in my life.

- [ Man ] It was really dull. - [ Raymond ] Oh, boy.

[ Woman ] Oh, this couch is beautiful.

- ?? [ Slow Orchestral ] - Raymond, honey, you get the champagne!

[ Raymond ] Got it, sweetheart.

Mommy? I fell asleep.

- I'm dying to go. - We have some great shots from our last trip.

- Wait'll you see these. - Hi, Daddy!

- Hi, Daddy. - Isn't that the most incredible powder?

Daddy? I'm here. I'm right here.

- That's the mill. - Oh, is that your house? That's beautiful.

Daddy, it's Jonah.

- You look great. - That's when she had longer skis.

[ Pam ] Here's some hors d'oeuvres. Did you pull those out?

Mommy, look at me.

- Mommy, look at me! - Here's to... fun in the snow.

- Fun in the snow. - Look at me.

- I'll bring my new pair of skis. - [ Chuckles ]

Look at me.

- Where did you go? - [ Man's Voice ] I'm upstairs, Jonah.

You ready to cross now, Jonah?

Jonah.

Am I dead?

On the contrary, you haven't even been born yet.

Am I going to be born now?

- Uh-huh. - But I won't have Bear anymore.

Oh, but he's already gone over.

He's waiting for you, good as new.

It's time.

Okay.

- What would you like to be called? - Robbie.

Oh, I think that can be arranged.

- That's you. - Oh, yeah.

There's Pamela in her best position.

Sitting down to put her skis on.

- [ Man ] Look at yourself! - [ Pam ] That's a good shot of me.

Will they miss me?

Oh, they'll feel a tug.

Perhaps they'll sense something missing,

but they won't know what it is.

When the time comes, and they're ready to share their life with a child,

I'll be back to see 'em.

Come on, Robbie.

Your mother wants you very badly.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Baby Crying ]

- It's a boy. - [ Baby Crying ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Typing ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Chittering ]

[ Chittering ]

- [ Beeping ] - [ Woman ] He's checking out.

- [ Man #1 ] Do the cortex reading right now. - Hold that.

[ Man #2 ] Downloading.

Amygdala stimulation rising.

[ Man #3 ] Cortex activity, 30 over 20.

[ Man #1 ] Get that enhancement printer online.

Do the cortex reading right now.

- We're stable, Katherine. - Already here.

[ Man #2 ] Looks like we're all set, John.

Frank, just dim the lights please.

[ Grunts ]

The sequence, Katherine.

[ Computer Whirring ]

[ Beeps ]

- [ Katherine Gasps ] - Oh, boy.

[ Bird Cawing ]

- [ Animals Chittering ] - What's--

[ Chitters ]

- [ Birds Twittering ] - [ Insects Buzzing ]

[ Birds Cawing, Tweeting ]

What is it?

Oh, my Lord.

It could be his mother.

- [ Squeaking ] - [ Man Laughs ]

We did it! [ Laughs ]

Those are memory fragments we're looking at!

[ Laughs ]

[ Tone ]

[ Laughs ] Whoo!

[ Chitters ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Woman ] Freddy, you almost gave me a heart attack.

[ Men Chattering ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Whistles ]

[ Typing ]

You know, some guys would think...

making history was enough work for one day.

Katherine, look. I--

Look.

[ Typing ]

This is the schedule for the rest of the project.

And this... is roughly where I get off.

Like my daddy always said--

The good and the Baldwins die young.

- Katherine-- - Don't shut me out, John.

I'm sorry.

Guess I'm not coping as well as I thought I would.

I want to help you.

But I don't know what to do.

[ Inhales ] Just--

Just stay with me.

Put up with me and...

tell me to cut it out when I'm being remote.

[ Chuckles ]

- And-- - Mmm.

Will you please go to bed,

so I don't feel guilty about keeping you up all night?

- What about you? - Ten minutes.

[ Patting ]

[ Beeps ]

- [ Animals Chittering ] - Ten.

- Ten. Ten minutes. - [ Typing ]

Good night, love.

See you in the morning.

[ Beeps ]

- Morning, Katherine. - Hello.

- Katherine. - What's going on?

Uh, uh, sorry I didn't wake you.

You haven't told her?

Told me what?

I wanted your okay first, Ben.

For what? What is it?

I'm going to be the first subject for total transfer.

Provided Ben agrees.

We're years away from using human subjects, John.

- You know that. - I have to agree with her, John.

- Thank God. - Ben, just keep reading.

We can set a target date three weeks from now...

if we-- if we just override all this preliminary stuff.

- Preliminary? That's all necessary. - No, it's not.

It's just designed to minimize trauma in the subject.

And let's face it. [ Chuckles ]

That's hardly a necessity in my case.

Look, Ben. If it doesn't work, nobody's lost anything.

If it does, how many years do we save?

Not to mention how many millions of dollars.

You really want to do this.

- Ben! - Yes.

I do.

Okay. Officially, I don't know anything about this.

You have access to all facilities--

God, you've both lost your minds.

Katherine, please listen.

Yes, explain it to me.

Tell me why you want to throw away...

the little time we have left.

I'm not throwing it away.

If you go through this process now, it could kill you.

Katherine, please understand.

This is the only chance I have.

This way, everything I've learned--

my judgment, my experience,

the entire contents of my mind can still be available to you.

If it works.

Either way, I'm gonna die.

You're going to lose me totally if you don't let me try this.

It's a chance for me to leave something of myself behind.

More than just... fading memory.

I want to be with you any way I can.

- [ Beeping ] - [ Air Pumping ]

[ John, Voice Breaking ] Frank?

Frank?

How far along are you on those disks?

Actually, I've finished. They're all set.

Good. We're almost there. A couple more days.

But I still need to run the usual tests.

I haven't determined laser compatibility.

Oh, come on, Frank. Your work always checks out.

Still, I think we should run at least a basic--

All right, but, uh, tomorrow.

You all must be tired. Everybody, go home. Get some rest.

- Good night, Frank. - Good night, sir.

Night, guys. Take care, Al.

Good night, Bob.

A couple of days.

Maybe sooner.

Sooner?

- Katherine-- - I'm trying, John.

I know you are, sweetheart.

You look tired too.

- No, I'm not. - Go home.

How about...

if I go lie down in our office for a while?

- And then we can drive home together. - Good.

Katherine?

I love you.

And I love you.

John?

John.

[ Printer Printing ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sobs ]

[ Computer Voice ] Katherine.

Katherine.

[ Gasps ]

It worked. I'm here.

- What's goin' on? - [ Chattering ]

Be sure to check the monitors.

Katherine. [ Sighs ]

He did it, Ben. He did it.

[ Chattering ]

[ Ben ] My God.

John, can you hear me?

Are you receiving my voice? It's Ben.

Not only do I receive your voice, Ben,

but I can see you haven't shaved yet.

I came here as fast as I could.

- Of course. - Uh,

so, the sensors are working okay?

Better than we expected. In fact, with all of you standing so close,

I can feel the warmth of your bodies.

[ Chuckles ]

You're going to take a little getting used to, John.

For me too, Ben.

Frank, can you increase the sensor's capacity load?

Five percent all right, sir?

To start.

Better. But make sure it doesn't drop below 48.

John, can you tell me?

Your perception and your memory,

are they working as well as--

As when I was alive?

And what about you?

I am alive.

[ Computer Clicking, Buzzing ]

- Night, Ben. - Night, Doug.

- Good night, Katherine. - Night.

Night, Ted.

[ Beeping ]

Terminals seven through nine indicate minimal out-of-memory error.

- Terminal six? - Good night, Katherine.

Stable.

John?

- John. - Yes, Katherine.

How are you?

What was the reading from terminal three?

[ Sighs ]

It's fine, John. Everything's fine out here.

What about in there?

What's it like?

Are you happy?

"Happy"...

is not a word that belongs in here, Katherine.

Are you happy?

I miss you, John.

You look tired. I'll see you in the morning.

- Good night, John. - Good night.

I miss you too.

[ Typing ]

[ Computer Beeps ]

[ Computer Voice ] I got the answer to that hitch in the curve system.

Good.

Forget about systems monitoring. Could you bring up the G.L.S.?

Okay.

Enter "E-P-A-X." Retrieve.

That's the subject termination file.

I want you to destroy me, Katherine.

It's too painful. To see you and hear you,

feel the warmth of your body...

and not be able to touch you.

It's like that for me too.

No, it's not.

- [ Static ] - It's all over your face.

- [ John ] I can't help myself. - What can't you help?

It's so good. I can't help that.

Your cheek can't taste it.

- Mmm. - Oh, no. [ Giggles ]

[ John ] Very good. Very good.

Bet I tasted better than you tasted.

Yeah, you do, actually. [ Gulps ]

- Mmm. - I remember that.

- You want some back? - You're all sticky.

[ Warbling ]

I remember that I love you.

And I remember the equation for a transverse wave.

The thing is, it's getting harder to know...

why one is more important than the other.

And soon, very soon, all you are to me will be stripped away.

I'm losing you, Katherine.

And I'm losing myself.

Soon I'll be nothing more...

than information storage and analysis.

And I can't bear it! You've got to help me.

John, I can't kill you.

You won't be killing me.

You'll be releasing me.

[ Ben ] Sorry, John.

I was afraid of something like this.

Ben, you don't understand!

I'm positive that we have the technology to alleviate any discomfort.

Technology?

We're not talking about computer programming here.

We're talking about a human being!

I'm sorry, Katherine.

But we can't afford to think only of ourselves.

It's out of the question that we terminate the project.

Can I speak to you outside for a moment?

[ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ]

Katherine,

we can work this out.

It'll take a little time, but I know that you can adjust to it.

I'd like you to take a few days off.

All right.

Look, Katherine.

I think, for everybody's sake,

you should stay away from here for a little while.

[ Katherine ] I understand.

Just let me tell John why I won't be around for a while.

[ Exhales ] All right.

- It's okay. - Yes, sir.

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]

- Katherine! - [ Computer Voice ] Hurry, Katherine!

Katherine!

We have a lockout.

Please, Katherine. Please.

To clear the subject termination code, hit the OTRA sequence.

[ Men Chattering ] What about the security code override?

[ Ben ] No, Katherine!

Now, repeat the sequence, omitting the first nine characters.

- [ Typing ] - [ Man ] There's no way to override.

- [ Buzzes ] - It's not working.

The system is trying to deter you from gaining final access. Don't panic.

Type out the LUREC sequence.

[ Typing ]

- No! - Don't panic.

Add L.B. insert.

[ Knocking ]

[ Pops ]

No!

[ Beeps ]

Final code, Katherine.

Now!

Please!

[ Ben ] Katherine, no!

[ Typing ]

[ Sobbing ]

I love you, Katherine. I love you.

[ Sniffs, Chuckles ]

[ Static ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Bangs Keys ]

[ Sighs ]

You-- You just killed your husband.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Woman On Radio ] You hate your job, and face it, your social life is the pits.

Well, get up and go out right now...

to the Coleman College admissions office.

You can take a class in astronomy, modern--

[ Station Changes ] 5:42 on St. Louis's hit radio station, K.S.T.L., baby.

A bit overcast outside our downtown studio.

Scattered showers expected throughout the St. Louis area.

All the more reason to stay in and stay tuned--

[ Women ] ? W-W-W-Winner! ?

[ Man On Radio ] Fifty-eight degrees. It's 7:09.

K.K.M.O., Missouri's favorite station,

Your favorite hits from the past, day in and day out.

And now our weather update--

We'll get back to more country music in just a minute.

I just got a call from little Wilma over in Hartley.

And she said, "Hoss man, it's really comin' down out there.

It's rainin' cats and dogs."

[ Man ] She better be careful...

she doesn't step on a poodle, Hoss man!

? With a thin, high crack of leather ?

? And a flash of silver spurs ??

- No, thanks. - [ Radio Clicks Off ]

[ Brakes Squeak ]

Hi! Do you need some help?

I sure do. My car broke down half a mile down the road.

Can you give me a lift to a gas station?

Sure. We're not gonna find anything for a while, but come on in.

Thanks.

Ooh. We're bound to find something open up on Route 72.

It'll be 10 or 12 miles.

I really appreciate this.

It's lucky for you I came along.

You could have been out in this for hours.

Yes, I think you're right about that.

[ Seat Belt Clicks ]

Help yourself.

No, thanks.

Haven't smoked in nearly 30 years.

I gave it up to have my first child.

- You anxious to get home? - What?

Oh. Oh, no. No, I'm not going home.

I just-- I just thought I'd be making better time than this by now.

- Where you headed? - Oh, Springfield.

Ah.

You and your husband live in St. Lou?

How did you know I was married?

Oh, this old thing.

- Things not going so well? - You could say that.

- A fight. - No, no. We're way past that stage.

- I filed for divorce. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- You been married long? - Yeah, 17 years this October.

You must have been very young.

I must have been very stupid.

Seventeen years. That's a big investment to lose.

Well, unfortunately it took me that long...

to realize that dreams don't come true.

Well, of course they don't.

Well, I don't know about you,

but if all my dreams had come true,

I'd have been, let's see, uh, a ballerina, a doctor, Margaret Mead,

an investigative reporter for the Post-Dispatch.

First woman President of the United States?

[ Laughs ] Yes, that was in there somewhere.

Well, I meant realistic dreams.

Realistic dreams?

Well, plans then, okay? Plans.

Nothing worked out like I planned it.

Do you still love him?

I'm sorry. You're right.

It's none of my business.

Here I am, snooping into your life.

I don't even know your name.

It's Charlie. It's Charlie Benton.

- Charlie? - It's short for Charlene.

My father wanted a boy. Yeah! Good, stupid. Leave your brights on.

- Geez. - I think Charlene is a pretty name.

Hey, would you look at that?

Isn't that a Studebaker?

Boy, I haven't seen one of those in 30 years.

It's a '53.

- Huh. We used to have one like that. - So did we.

Or rather, my father had it.

Anybody else touched it, he'd go through the roof.

He called it his baby.

- Your father liked cars? - Oh, he loved 'em. Yeah.

That's how he'd spend all his weekends when we were a kid.

Taking 'em apart, putting 'em back together.

Once he'd slide underneath, that was it. He'd be gone for the day.

Never see him again. Hmm.

I tried to get him to teach me auto mechanics.

But it never worked out.

[ Inaudible ]

Oh, my dear God.

What is it? What's wrong? Are you all right?

Oh, yes, um--

[ Scoffs ] Those people in that car--

Oh, Lord, you're gonna think I'm nuts.

They looked like-- They looked like me and my father...

when we were coming back from my mother's funeral.

I know that sounds crazy to you, but I remember it exactly.

He made me sit in the back seat on the way home.

He said it was my punishment for crying during the service.

He said only babies cried, and babies had to sit in the back seat.

[ Chuckles ] Sorry, but...

that was so weird.

I know.

And the way it just disappeared. Strange.

[ Laughing ]

- Well. - Whoo.

Oh, boy, wait till they hear about this one at the office.

Oh, we got this one guy there. His name's Bernie.

And he goes on and on about E.S.P. all the time.

You should hear him. I'm never gonna hear the end of it!

So you work in an office?

I run the office. Yeah. It's an ad agency.

That must be very exciting.

Well, it's a small agency.

But, you know, we have the largest herbicide account in the whole state?

- Well. - Well, it's not all that glamorous.

And your husband, what does he do?

Uh, well, he is an actor.

He's a good actor... when he works.

Oh, he just finished doing Linus at the Webster Groves Dinner Theatre.

But most of the time he's unemployed.

He takes lessons and classes.

He works for just about nothing.

I understand. Money problems.

No. Not at all.

My agency does very well.

But that's your money.

Yes.

And George is-- My hus-- Well, he's my ex-husb--

Well, he'll be my ex-husband.

[ Sighs ] Well, you know how men are.

Their whole idea of manhood is so wrapped up in--

- Providing? - Yes! [ Sighs ]

Yes. Providing.

And I know that it eats at George to live off my money.

I just wish he'd say so for once!

Maybe it doesn't really bother him.

Well, of course it does!

[ Charlie Sighs ]

- [ Sighs ] - [ Radio Clicks On ]

?? [ Wedding March On Radio ]

[ Woman On Radio ] She's the perfect bride. You're the perfect groom.

At DeKay's Jewelers you don't have to settle for second best.

Get her the diamond of her dreams.

Easy credit, easy rates, easy financing.

- Yes-- - Oh, please!

- [ Radio Clicks Off ] - [ Sighs ]

It's so corny, but the Wedding March always gets to me.

- Not you, huh? - Oh, yes.

When I got married to it, it did. Sure.

I had to have the storybook wedding.

Where the bride is beautiful,

and everybody lives happily ever after.

[ Sighs ] Surprise on me.

[ Horn Honks ]

Oh, now what have we got here? Drunk drivers?

More than one.

Oh, that is so dangerous on a rainy night.

[ Sighs ] I'm just gonna let 'em pass me.

[ Shouting, Indistinct ]

- [ Cheering ] - [ Cans Clattering ]

[ Laughing ]

- Hey, Charlie! - [ Cheering ]

Oh, no.

No. No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. [ Inhales ]

[ Cans Clattering ]

[ Woman ] What is it?

What's the matter, Charlie?

That was me.

George and me...

on the day we got married.

Did you find a phone?

It wasn't working. The lines must be down.

- Oh. - You feeling better?

- You want some coffee? - Uh, no. No, thanks.

Look, uh, I'm sorry.

Bet you didn't expect to be driving with a crazy lady, huh?

- [ Chuckles ] You're not crazy. - Aw, let's face it.

Anybody who looks out a window...

and sees her own wedding party rolling past--

In the first place,

people who doubt their sanity aren't necessarily crazy.

It's the other guys, the ones who are sure they're sane--

- They're the ones you have to watch out for! - [ Chuckles ]

Besides, there-- there could be an explanation.

- Like what? - Maybe you were seeing what you wanted to see.

- What I wanted to see? - What you needed to see.

What you should be thinking about.

Oh, I see. Pop psychology.

No. No, not at all.

Look, I'm driving to Springfield, all right?

Where I'm staying until my divorce becomes final.

Right now I am perfectly willing to admit, I may have lost it a little bit.

This is a very stressful time for me.

But I know I can still drive, and that's what I'm going to do.

If you want to go on with me, that's fine. But I'm leaving.

And I'm not entertaining any more questions or theories about my personal life.

Understand?

[ Door Closes ]

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

It's too bad we couldn't have phoned a tow truck back there.

Or we could have called your family.

They must be worried about you.

No, no, my husband works nights.

And the girls are grown with kids of their own to worry about.

- Do you have children? - No.

We were going to. We wanted to.

But we just kept putting it off.

And now, the old biological clock's starting to tick.

No. You have plenty of time.

I read an article in the paper that said...

lots of women in their 40s were having their first babies.

You're subtle, aren't you?

Well, you can trust me on this one. There's one thing I'm sure of.

I wouldn't make a very good parent.

I never met a "very" good parent.

Oh, no? What about you? I'll bet you're a terrific parent.

What makes you say that?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, you're just the type.

You're-- You're sincerely concerned about others.

You listen very well.

I'll bet you love your kids to death.

You're a little nosy. [ Chuckles ]

What did that sign say?

Uh, I think it was "49 miles to Springfield."

It's so hard to tell in this rain.

Phew, I wish this would let up.

Makes me jumpy.

When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about the rain.

That I was running through it, and I couldn't find anything.

Like Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With The Wind.

- Scarlett found Rhett. - And lost him.

Do you really think so?

I always thought he turned up the next day on her doorstep.

You're quite the romantic.

When I get the chance.

Well, I didn't marry any Rhett Butler, that's for sure.

Like... when I told George I was leaving.

We've had our fights.

I've yelled at him. He's yelled at me.

But when it came to the big one,

the really important one, do you know what he did?

- What? - He cried.

We were in his car. We were coming back from a ski trip.

And he's just crying.

He must have been devastated.

Well, sure, but... I'll tell you.

When he did that, when he cried,

that's when I knew I'd made the right decision.

I thought, "Here I am. I'm telling him that I'm leaving,

and all he can do is act like a baby."

What did you want him to do?

I wanted him to fight me. I wanted him to stand up to me.

George is not Rhett Butler. He's George.

And the idea of your leaving him must have been tearing him apart.

Well, then why didn't he stop me?

I don't know. You said you were going.

Maybe he took you at your word.

After 17 years!

If he really loved me, how could he just let me go?

If he really loved you?

Are you so sure he didn't, Charlie?

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Screeches ]

Charlie, what's the matter?

Tell me. What was it?

It was my father in me.

Not letting George cry.

I'm turning into my father.

No, Charlie, not if you don't want to.

[ Cries Quietly ]

George will understand.

Excuse me?

[ Sighs ]

Look, the rain stopped.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm going to find you a gas station.

And then I'm gonna turn around, and I'm gonna go home.

You wish me luck?

All there is in the world, Charlie.

All there is in the world.

[ Police Radio Chatter ]

Call Morrison's. Tell 'em we need a wrecker out here.

[ Chatter Continues ]

Charlie?

[ Police Radio Chatter Continues ]

[ Screams ]

- Look back, Charlie. - No!

- Look back. - No!

Charlie, look.

It was right here. I saw it!

It didn't happen.

It would have, if you'd kept on going,

if you hadn't changed your mind.

But it's all right now.

I don't understand.

I have to go.

What? Wait. Where are you going? There's nothing out here.

Don't worry about me.

- Good-bye, Charlene. - Wait! Wait!

Who are you?

Look in the mirror 30 years from now,

and you'll know who I am.

Thank you for saving my life, my dear.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

So this guy bangs around under my sink...

for a few minutes this weekend.

And he gets done, we get talking.

He tells me he's been a licensed plumber for a year and a half,

and you know what he's pulling down?

68K a year.

A plumber's out there making more money than a lawyer.

It's a free country. Go be a plumber.

I'm thinkin' about it. Let me tell you.

Why don't you do it?

Naw, you know what'd be really great?

Be a professional fisherman on cable TV.

I was thinkin' about that this weekend.

My cousin Jackie and I was doing a little trout fishing.

- I tell ya that? - Yeah.

Drove upstate to this place.

Beautiful spot. Had a waterfall--

Hey, Dunc, there's a dope deal goin' down.

Did you see it?

We're after bigger fish.

So we're headin' back to the car...

and suddenly coming down the dirt road is the game warden.

Jackie's freakin' out...

because the goombah didn't remember about no fishin' licenses.

He throws the fish in the bushes.

I'm going "Good morning, Officer,"

and the guy hardly looks at us.

[ Chuckles ] And now Jackie's diggin' around on his hands and knees...

in the prickle bushes.

[ Man On Radio ] Armed robbery in progress. 127 East 116th,

corner of Jerome Avenue-- The Playboy Convenience Mart.

Take it, Dunc. Let's take it.

Bigger fish.

- 1731 responding. - [ Siren Wails ]

[ Tires Screech ]

See, I was thinking about going back up there.

Remember Arlene, the cosmetologist I was telling you about?

Take her along, we'll do a little fishing.

- I'll get the front. You get the back. - Got it.

- And watch out. - Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Get out. - Do as he says.

[ Chattering ]

[ Dunc ] Not back there?

You sure?

Desoto!

[ Gunshots Continue ]

[ Shouts ]

Desoto.

All right, this is Unit 1731.

We got a man down, at corner of, uh, 116 and Jerome.

Playboy Convenience Mart. There's a man down, man down!

Where were you, Dunc? You were supposed to be there.

Man down!

[ Man ] I would like you to try and tell me...

a little about what's going on inside you.

What are you feeling right now?

[ Door Closes ]

Okay.

You know, even if you don't want to tell me,

I bet I can make a pretty good guess at what you're feeling.

Probably feeling guilty.

You're angry at yourself.

And you may even have thought of... doing harm to yourself.

Believe me, these are all perfectly normal feelings.

That's why we're having these sessions.

We can work through it.

Get past it.

- Get past it? - It can be done, if we just work--

I screwed up,

got my partner killed.

The kid's dead because I was reading a magazine.

Nothing's ever gonna change that.

[ Chattering ]

Hey, hey, Dunc.

Hey, how you feeling, man?

Captain, you got a minute for me?

Captain, in reference to the incident last week,

I was wondering, uh, I've got some personal days.

- I was hoping to get some time off. - We're shorthanded as it is.

Due respect, sir, uh, I'm not doing anyone any good...

hangin' out behind a desk here.

You're up for qualifications next month. Do you realize this?

You don't pass, you'll have plenty of time off.

Yeah, I know. Ju-Just-- Just hanging around here,

it's kinda hard to get in shape.

Tell you what. Go see Sergeant O'Connor.

Tell him to put you on traffic for a while.

[ Man On P.A. ] Officer Martinez, report to watch commander.

Officer Martinez, report to watch commander.

Vehicle 629 to lower garage.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Woman ] Hi.

[ Chuckles ] Take it easy.

- What're you doin' here? - Going to work.

Well, look. You got the wrong unit.

I got Car 1271. That's this one.

So you do. So do I.

What a world, huh?

Duncan Moore. I'm Patty O'Neil.

I'm looking forward to riding with you.

Okay.

Look, lady, I didn't ask for a partner.

[ Chuckles ] I guess you just got lucky then.

You don't see me jumping for joy, do you?

I figure we can spend our time hating each other,

or we can make the best of it.

Personally, I can go either way.

Which'll it be?

You ever been on traffic, Duncan?

It's not so bad.

Course, I know you're probably used to a little more excitement.

Can I ask you something? Just to get it out in front.

You got a problem partnering with a woman?

'Cause you know, we get resistance from some of the older guys.

Think you'd ever date a cop?

Never thought about it.

- [ Tires Screeching ] - Duncan!

All right. Pull it over to the right.

Pull it over right now.

Driver's license and registration, please?

- [ Man ] What's wrong, man? - You ran a red light back here. Come on.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Look, you're not gonna tag me for this diddly-squat stuff, are ya?

Here. How 'bout cutting me a little slack?

Have a seat. Just have a seat.

Duncan!

[ Tires Screech ]

Duncan!

[ Duncan ] In pursuit of a light blue-green Chevrolet Impala,

license number "R"- Ronald, "D"-- Donald...

- 1337. - 1337.

Proceeding north on 119 between Union and--

- [ O'Neil ] North Broadway. - North Broadway.

Suspect is armed and dangerous. Armed and dangerous.

Come on. Get out of the way.

- Watch your left. - I can't believe I let this guy--

All right, take the light. You got it! You got it!

Clear.

You got him. Got him!

Okay, okay.

All right, it's clear up ahead. Go!

You got it! It's clear!

[ Horn Honks ]

Look out!

[ Panting ]

[ Silverware Clinking ]

I blew it.

I turned my back on the guy.

I let him get away.

We got his name and regs.

It's just a matter of time before we pick him up.

If I don't get us killed first.

You kidding? You were smokin'.

I mean it.

- Where'd you learn all that? - Geez.

You don't learn it, you do it.

Situation like that, you don't have time to think.

Hey, Dunc, how you doing?

Oh, good, Mike. Thanks.

That's great. That's good.

You know, I just thought I'd ask.

All right.

- Aw, hey, Maurici. - Yeah.

Come here. I want you to meet my partner.

Hey, this is terrific. Hey, listen, Duncan, are you feeling all right?

- Come on. - Hey, no, man, just wait a second.

- I wanna ask him something. - Come on. All right?

What's their problem?

- Well, the hell with 'em. - That's the spirit.

Come on. Let's get outta here.

Don't let 'em under your skin.

You got better things to worry about.

Okay, O'Neil. I get your point.

What are you? Some kind of cheerleader or something?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Breathing Heavily ]

Hey!

Hey, O'Neil!

Patty! Come here.

Come on, O'Neil, Patty.

- What's so important we gotta rendezvous here? - I wanted to talk to you.

Well, talk fast. I'm heading for a heart attack.

You only got a month before your physical.

- You gonna be in shape? - Who cares?

Search me. I'm just here for the exercise.

Yeah? Well, I never exercise.

That's why you look so good. See ya!

Hey, wait a minute.

It's very sneaky, O'Neil.

[ Grunting ]

My grandma can do better than that.

Partner up with your grandma.

I would, but she left the force.

Oh, I need this aggravation?

[ Grunts ]

No, I don't need it, and I don't want it.

So why don't-- Why don't you-- [ Grunting ]

- [ Exhales ] - By the time I'm through with you,

you're gonna be beating 'em off with a stick.

Yeah? Does that include you?

Only if you need the aggravation.

[ Grunting ] Gimme a break.

As far as I'm concerned,

you can just take your motherly advice--

What're you looking at, Ferteeta?

Go jump in the pool.

[ Gunfire ]

You're too tight.

Relax.

Take the trigger like you would take a girl's hand--

real gentle.

Where'd you get that?

My partner, Eddie Ramirez.

He taught me to shoot.

Ramirez, huh? Don't know him.

He got killed.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

[ Chamber Clicks ]

- [ Woman, Indistinct ] - [ Man ] We gotta get 'em out right away.

- What's going on? - [ Man ] Hostage situation on First and Main.

- Hey, Herrington! - The name is Beckloff. I'm running a check now!

That's him. Let's go.

Duncan Moore? Are you here?

Hey, has anybody seen Duncan Moore?

Damn it. Find him.

[ Chattering ]

Hey, Rico, follow me.

We can discuss the particulars, Mr. Beckloff,

but first let's let the innocent people go.

Mr. Beckloff? Mr. Beckloff?

He hung up!

Lieutenant's crazy. The guy's non-negotiable.

He knows he's strapped in the chair already.

We can charge the place or wait him out until he blows his cool.

Either way, he's gonna kill somebody.

Duncan, I know this building. I think I can get us in.

[ Man ] Hey! You can't do that!

You think you can get that open?

Yeah, if I got a quarter. Yeah.

- Yeah? Well, so how was I supposed to stop him? - What's going on?

Uh, Duncan Moore, sir. He just went running in there.

What? Duncan Moore? Are you sure?

[ Whispering ] O'Neil! O'Neil!

I'm right behind you, Duncan.

[ Man ] Shut up! I told you to shut up!

You're not telling me nothing.

Listen to me. I won't let anyone hurt me.

I want-- No! You listen to me.

I want a car.

No cops! All cops outta there!

[ Woman Sobbing ]

All right, drop it, Beckloff.

- No! - [ Screams ]

[ Screams ]

Give it up, Beckloff. We got you surrounded.

Get back or I'm killin' somebody!

Okay. Okay. Here-- Here comes my gun.

[ Woman Cries ] No.

Now, I'm coming out to talk to you.

I don't want to talk.

All right. He can't cover us both, Patty.

Now, Beckloff, the woman behind you is a marksman first class.

I'm telling you, keep back!

Relax.

Don't get any cute ideas.

You do, and you'll be brain-dead...

before you finger pulls the trigger, right, Patty?

[ Sobs ]

[ Screams ]

Stay back. I'm telling you!

All right, let it go, Beckloff.

No one needs to die today.

There's nobody here!

There is nobody here!

You lied to me! There's nobody here!

You wanna walk outta here today, don't you?

Shut up!

You take one step towards me, and you eat it!

[ Woman Sobs ]

We're going up the stairs.

Beckloff is gonna give us the gun.

You're crazy, man!

And all our heartbeats are going back to normal.

Isn't that right, Beckloff?

Keep away from me, I tell you!

Listen to me! Listen to me! I'm telling you!

I'm talking to you, damn it! [ Screams ]

- Please! - [ Man ] Come on. Let's go.

Patty?

- Patty, Patty! - [ Groaning ]

Patty!

[ Shouting Questions ]

I'm trying to find my partner here. Uh, Patty!

Patty O'Neil!

Duncan, come on. Come on.

Can you answer that question, Officer?

Duncan.

Duncan, listen to me.

Officer Patty O'Neil was killed on a drug bust 12 years ago.

No, that was her partner, Ramirez.

Ramirez took his own life... afterwards.

Blamed himself for O'Neil's death.

I can show you the files if you don't believe me.

Okay, Duncan, we'll work this thing out.

Don't worry.

Right now, I just want you to go home.

Get some rest.

[ Sighs ]

Well, you were a lot better-looking than Desoto.

You can tell him I told you that too.

[ Engine Starts ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man ] No one can ever say that our last episode was a total loss.

For as you remember, we learned beyond a doubt--

- [ Typing ] - that Bullwinkle really takes the cake...

when it comes to baking a cake.

What do you mean, where are the onions?

I thought you were baking a cake, Bullwinkle.

Well, pity sakes, I am, but-- [ Continues, Indistinct ]

- You put onions in a cake? - [ Bullwinkle, Indistinct ]

No. And we're out of onions.

You used the last one on your corn flakes this morning.

- Darn! - [ Typing Continues ]

- [ Laughs ] - [ Man Laughing ]

Kid, this stuff is funny.

Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny!

The only thing is, it ain't "chicken" funny.

- But, Mr. Marvin-- - I got an image, kid, see?

I gotta be careful about my material.

Mr. Marvin, your ex-wife. She wants the poodle for Sunday.

Her poodle day is Saturday. She knows that. Negative!

Mr. Marvin, I know I could have some chicken-funny jokes...

- by next week, if you could just advance-- - Next week? Next week?

Kid, in this biz you gotta be faster than that.

Mr. Marvin, your analyst called. Wants to cancel today's session.

- Why? - He's too depressed!

- [ Laughs ] - Get outta here, you moron. [ Groans ]

kid, let me give you some advice.

You're gonna have a lot of doors slam in your face.

You gotta stick with it.

Persevere. Don't take no from anybody.

- Then you'll use my stuff? - No.

- [ People Laughing On TV ] - [ Man On TV ] Countersign: Salt Lake City.

Come on in, 99. The door is open.

- [ People Laughing ] - Hey, Max.

99, what are you doing here? It's after 10:00.

Oh, I was restless and I thought I'd take a walk.

[ Man, Lower Volume ] You should be careful. It's not safe for a girl--

- [ Tape Rewinds ] - [ Man ] This is Herb from the Eagle Finance Company.

This is positively your last warning.

- It's called pay up or pick up. - [ Tape Rewinds ]

[ Woman ] Billy, this is Mama.

Are you eatin' good?

You eatin' your vegetables?

- Are you takin' your vitamins? - [ Tape Rewinds ]

[ Woman ] Billy, this is Mrs. Luthaker, your landlady.

Remember me? You know, the witch!

Either you pay your rent by Wednesday...

or your butt's on the sidewalk.

And turn that TV off!

It's on night and day. You--

- [ Stops ] - [ Sighs ]

Suppertime.

You're lucky I'm not a vegetarian.

Otherwise, I might eat you.

[ Phone Rings ]

- Hello? - Billy Burliss?

[ Laughing ] Hey, hey!

It's a pleasure to speak to a man with talent.

This is Dick Castel over at Easy Come, Easy Go.

I was just cleaning out my desk when I came across your script.

Funny, guy. Very funny.

Listen, Billy, one of our writers was just committed,

and we need to find a replacement pronto.

Have you got a sample three-camera, family-hour sitcom script I could read?

Uh, no, not really.

Too bad, babe. We make our decision tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Okay. I'll write one tonight.

Tonight? In one night?

In 23 years I've never--

Just give me a chance. I'm sure I can do it.

I'll see you first thing tomorrow morning.

- Ciao, dude. - Ciao.

Yeah!

Yes!

Ahh!

High five, Louie!

?? [ Scatting ]

Billy Burliss has done it again, folks.

[ Shouts ]

?? [ Scatting ]

Mrs. Luthaker, you'll get your rent.

Witch!

?? [ Scatting ]

?? [ Imitates Guitar ]

?? [ Scatting ] Billy Burliss.

Yeah!

[ Slow Typing ]

[ Sighs ] Face it, Billy. You're too slow.

Too slow.

You haven't even finished the first half of the first act.

He's right.

A sitcom can't be written in one night.

Not by me, anyway.

[ Sighs ]

Sent by special messenger, no less.

Hey. I haven't forgotten a birthday or an anniversary, have I?

- Of course not. I wouldn't let you. - [ Sighs ]

[ People Laughing ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Line Ringing ]

- [ Woman ] Easy Come, Easy Go. - Hello.

Um, Mr. Dick Castel please.

Uh, Billy Burliss calling.

[ Castel ] Yo, Billy.

Uh, hello, um, Mr. Castel.

Uh, I-I won't be coming by today.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, guy.

Yeah, well, I guess I'm just not--

Billy? Hey, Billy, are you there?

Billy?

Hey, my man. Billy?

Are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

This is good.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]

As a matter of fact, it's great. And so fast.

I never heard of a script being written so fast.

- You? - Me?

- Yeah. - Never.

Kid, you're a genius.

I have a script here that needs a total rewrite.

We start shooting first thing in the morning.

For you-- [ Laughing ] it should be a breeze.

I'm in love with a girl named Thalia Menninger.

A beautiful girl, a fine girl.

The only trouble is she likes money.

- Who's there? - Now she's not a gold digger, mind you.

No, no. She's just kind of greedy,

grasping, avaricious, mean, selfish, miserly.

Fine girl, you understand. Wonderful girl.

Whoever you are, you can come out now.

Unfortunately, I haven't got money.

What I've got is love. Boy, have I got love.

I really liked the stuff. I did.

Do you think Thalia's impressed?

No, she keeps making eyes at Milton Armitage.

[ Sighs ]

Some piece of cake.

[ Whispering ] What am I gonna do?

Drat!

Where's the blot-out?

- Thanks. - [ Rattling ]

Aaah!

[ Groans ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Billy ] "Plague,

plane,

plankton, plants."

"Clerodendrum receptivus.

Rapid dragon vine.

Common variety of leafy floral...

that requires little water, but inordinate amounts of sunlight."

Sunlight?

But you don't get any sunlight.

The only light you get is from--

[ TV Audience Laughs ]

[ Applause ]

I don't believe this.

[ Man ] The painter's almost finished the mantel.

Almost finished? Almost finished?

It is finished. That's it!

He likes it that way.

He thinks it's a work of art.

He's even signed the darn thing.

[ Man ] So think of it as a conversation piece.

[ Laughter Continues ]

Billy Burliss. Barry Wernick, Associated Agents.

- Uh, bu-- - Shh, shh, shh. Don't talk. Save it for a script.

If you're as fast as they say,

I'm gonna have you the hottest writer in town.

- But-- But I-- - Oh, work with me, Billy, will ya?

[ Laughing ]

I knew that last punch was gonna work.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

...because she always invites your ex-boyfriends to dinner.

That's it. Yeah.

[ Billy ] Yeah.

But I like this color. I've gotten used to it.

But, honey love, you're color blind!

There. Ahh.

A little more room to wiggle your toes in.

And how do you like the new TV?

Color. Color. [ Chuckles ]

Well, pal, I owe it all to you.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You know, you're my best friend.

Look, I was thinkin'.

You need a name.

Maybe something distinguishing like...

F. Scott Philodendron.

Okay. Okay.

What about uh, Leaf Ericson?

Andy Devine?

What would you like?

Well, I'll be.

Lucy.

[ Man ] How about that, folks?

Is that entertainment or what?

Come on, let's put our hands together...

and hear it for the funniest show on TV,

Easy Come, Easy Go.

[ Billy ] Change the channel. Change the channel.

- Hi, neighbor. - This is it. This is it.

- Turn it up. Turn it up. - [ Man ] Welcome to Easy Come--

- [ Woman ] Easy Go. - Don't drink so fast.

- [ Woman, Indistinct ] - The timing on this joke right here was all wrong.

Now this next joke, this works.

[ Laughing ]

[ Man ] I don't know if I can do that.

[ Woman ] You guys'll have to carry it.

Billy. Billy.

Billy, my man! There he is!

We were in the neighborhood and just had to drop by and say hello.

[ Laughing ]

These are my pals. Georgio.

[ Georgio ] You are a genius. A genius!

- [ Wernick ] That's Oliver. - [ Man ] Very pleased.

[ Wernick ] And last-- [ Laughs ] but certainly not least, Tina.

Oh, we're so happy for you, Billy.

Uh, it was really nice of you guys to drop by,

but I have a awful lot of work to do.

Kid, enough.

All work and no play?

I think it's time to party.

- [ Tina ] We're dying to corrupt you, Billy. - He'll come around.

[ Wernick ] Listen to her, kid. She can do it.

- [ Whispering ] Lucy, stop it. - [ Tina Giggles ]

These are party people.

Uh, I'd really like to--

- Okay. - [ Wernick ] All right. Yeah!

Where are you taking that cute plant?

Uh, it needs air.

[ Tina ] Air?

- [ Wernick ] Oh, Billy, come on. - Would you stop?

These are my friends too. I'm just gonna party a little bit.

[ Wernick ] Are you okay out there? Or what's the problem?

- I'll be right there. - [ Tina ] Okay.

[ Georgio ] Party!

Lucy, would you stop? Would you stop?

Why are you acting this way? Why?

These are my friends too. It's just a dance.

We're just gonna party for a little bit. Lucy--

Would you-- Will you stop?

I'll be right back.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Guests Chattering ]

[ Billy ] I'm ready.

[ Oliver ] There he is. There's the guy. Yeah!

- Let's go. - [ Billy ] Let's go. Party!

- [ Wernick ] Come on, Georgio. - [ Georgio ] S�, s�, s�.

[ Door Shuts ]

[ Cat Mewing ]

[ Pot Shatters ]

[ Mewing Continues ]

[ Man On TV ] I'm gonna handle this.

Toody'll wind up organizing a committee for it.

Yes, sir.

[ Groans ]

[ Spits ]

Party.

[ Groans ]

Time to wake up, Lucy.

[ Groaning ]

We're under contract to half the city.

Lucy?

It hurt me.

[ Sighs ]

[ Vehicle Rumbling ]

[ Crunching ]

Lucy!

[ Chattering ]

- [ Indistinct ] - [ Laughing ]

- Who is on first. - What are you asking me for? I'm--

[ Indistinct ]

What's the guy's name on first base?

- What's on second! - I'm not asking you--

We were a great team, weren't we?

You know, Lucy, I never realized how much fun we had together--

writing scripts, watching TV.

You were special.

You were my friend.

You even tried to warn me about life in the fast lane,

how it would change me.

And what did I do?

I ignored you.

[ Sighs ] Well, I better get back now,

try to go on.

Maybe something good'll crop up.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy!

Yes, we're scheduled for 13 weeks following the pilot.

[ Chuckles ] No, we're no longer-- [ Continues, Indistinct ]

...Mr. Burliss. Those letters were completed this morning.

The scripts are being sent out now.

As you requested, I declined the European junket.

I sent regrets for the gala premiere,

and frankly, Mr. Burliss, maybe getting out of the house...

for one of these events wouldn't be a bad idea.

Okay, girls, let's hurry up!

I Love Lucy reruns tonight!

Lucy Mae, let's do it.

Lucy Lee, Lucy Ellen-- I loved the rewrites.

Loved it!

What have you got for me, Lucy Alice?

[ Laughing ]

I love this! I love this!

"I'm not the pizza boy. I'm not the pizza boy."

I love it. I love-- This is timing.

Look at this. This is timing.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Let's work.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Woman ] Billy!

Billy!

There you are!

Where do you think you're going?

- [ Billy ] Out. - Out where?

- Outside! - Have you done something around the house?

- It's Saturday! - And on Saturdays,

you have to help around the house before you can go out.

The rug needs vacuuming. You can vacuum the rug.

Mom!

The vacuum's in the closet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[ Door Closes ]

I don't know why I put up with this stuff.

Chip Bunster doesn't have to vacuum.

Mike Wilmot doesn't have to vacuum.

Oh, vacuuming makes me barf.

Where's the stupid vacuum cleaner anyway?

[ Items Rattling ]

[ Vacuum Whirring ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Vacuum Stops ]

- [ Cheering On TV ] - [ Man On TV ] Would you look at that?

[ Whirring ]

[ Man On TV Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Man On TV ] ...with the Wombats.

Running, passing, I, for one am really surprised at this game.

- Those Wombats just creamed their last opponent. - [ Toots ]

But today's another story.

[ Sniffs ]

Well, the Wombats have looked better, that's for sure.

- [ Sniffs ] - In fact, I think this qualifies as...

one of the biggest blowouts in the season.

- Who'd have thunk it? 37 to three and-- - Bad dog.

Bad dog! Bad, bad boy.

I don't know what it is, Ernie. Maybe his diet. I don't know.

[ Man On TV ] Mmm, boy.

Tender, beefy chunks.

Just about the best meal your dog could ever want.

There's nothin' quite like meat by-products...

to satisfy those canine cravings.

Right, King?

[ Dishes Clattering ]

[ Small Bark ]

[ Water Running ]

Oh, all right, you want your food?

I'll get your food! Why not?

It seems to be the sole reason for my existence on this planet lately.

Feed the dog, feed the cats, do the dishes,

wash the clothes, iron the clothes!

Do I have dreams? Do I have aspirations?

No, but I have a toilet bowl that's springtime fresh,

and I'm pleased as punch to be a short-order cook to a dog!

So, here!

Oh, no, you don't. Not today, buster.

You wanted food, and I gave it to you, and now you're gonna eat it.

- [ Grunts ] - So, eat it.

Eat it!

[ Calmly ] That's better.

[ Groaning ]

Bleh.

Lainey Lou says, "Where's my baby?"

Where's Mary Ann?

Where's Mary Ann? Where is Mary Ann?

There she is! [ Giggles ]

Hello, Mary Ann.

Was you a good baby?

You need some panties and shoes and... and your coat.

And-- It's raining outside...

and you need you... jammies.

All you need is your... underpants!

[ Growling ]

[ Cries ]

Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

Dog tried to bite me! The dog tried to bite me!

Dog tried to bite me!

Uh, look, I'm trying to watch the game, sweetheart.

The dog tried to bite me with his teeth! His teeth!

With his teeth, Daddy!

[ Mother Screams ]

[ Scratching ]

Mommy! The dog-- The dog tried to bite me!

Just look at what that dog of yours did to my favorite slippers.

Well, it's that cheap damn dog food you buy him. Gives him gas.

[ Mom ] What makes you think it's cheap?

[ Dad ] What do you mean "that dog of yours," huh?

- It was your idea to get him. - I finished vacuuming.

- Can I go outside now? - Oh, no, you're not pinning this one on me!

- Mom. - What do you mean?

- You said, "Honey, we should get a dog." - I finished vacuuming.

I wanna go outside.

- [ Billy ] Now! - [ Dad ] I know. I know.

[ Mom ] I wanted something low-maintenance, like a cat.

[ Shouting Overlapping ]

[ Dad ] A cat is not low-maintenance.

- [ Arguing Continues ] - Dog tried to bite me!

- I'm done. - Thank you so much--

[ Shouting Overlapping ]

[ Urinating ]

He's whizzin' on the carpet, Dad.

[ Man On TV ] Intercept... and it's a beautiful punt.

Right through. And it's a touchback!

[ Sighs ]

[ Girl ] A space movie?

[ Mom ] No, honey. Uncle Bud's movies of last Christmas.

- Is it Christmas now? - No, honey, it's no--

[ Dad ] Hey, look. Can we just watch the movie?

Please? Hmm?

- [ Billy ] Howdy, folks. - [ Girl ] That's me, mommy.

- That's right, honey. - [ Girl ] That's me in this movie!

[ Mom ] That's-- That's right, honey.

That's me up there in the movie!

[ Mom Flatly ] Okay, honey.

- [ Dad ] Oh, geez, would you look at that dog? - [ Billy Speaking Gibberish ]

- Stupid dog. - [ Billy Growling ]

[ Billy Making Gibberish Noises ]

- [ Billy Chuckles ] - [ Mom ] That was a mistake.

[ Buffy ] Can I get a soda, Mama?

[ Mom ] You just had a soda, sweetheart.

[ Buffy ] Can I get a soda, Daddy?

[ Dad ] You just had a soda, honey.

- I want a soda. - [ Parents ] After the movie, honey!

[ Billy Makes Vibrating Noise ]

[ Dad ] Hey, boy. Look. Look, that's you up there.

That's you up there, uh, dog.

- [ Imitating Chain Saw ] - [ Mom ] That was a mistake too.

Oh, no. Oh, please. Stop the projector.

- [ Dad ] No. No, this is good. - Turn it off now, Skip.

[ Dad ] Hey, come on. Please, Bev.

- [ Buffy ] Ooh, baby. - [ Billy ] Whoa.

[ Dad ] Oh, come on. It's a good present.

[ Billy ] He cannot be stopped!

[ Mom ] Next year, we're getting him a book.

- [ Billy ] Oh, geez. - [ Mom ] Oh, look.

- You look nice. - [ Billy ] I look stupid.

[ Buffy ] I say, "Hello there."

[ Dad ] You've worn it a few times since then, I notice.

- [ Mom ] Skip. - [ Children Giggle ]

- [ Dad ] Oh, yeah. Remember that? - [ Mom ] Mmm.

[ Dad ] Bad dog.

We had to go out for pizza, remember?

[ Mom ] Pizza for Christmas dinner.

- [ Dad ] It was a... good pizza. - [ Projector Rattles ]

[ Buffy ] We saw a movie of a-- of a movie of a movie...

with a wolf in it-- with a wolf in it,

and-and it got the bunny.

And the wolf got a money-- I mean, a bunny.

[ Dad ] Oh, the wolf ate the bunny, huh?

Yes, it was dead.

- [ Giggles ] - [ Billy ] Buffy!

Uh-oh. Man the pumps.

You stupid dumbhead "nong-nong."

Every night she does this!

Billy, what did I say about yelling at the table? Hmm?

I wouldn't have to yell...

if she wasn't such a stupid, klutzoid, dumbhead "nong-nong"!

- Something new! - What's that?

A recipe I found in Suburban Paradise Magazine.

Tater pops and cheese whip.

Enjoy.

[ Dad ] Mmm, boy.

[ Gags ]

Uh, we're finished out here, honey.

What do you say we all go out for dessert and a movie, huh?

Finished? You're finished?

Already?

- But we can wait while you-- - I've had enough!

I mean, I'm so full, I, uh, I couldn't eat another bite.

I'll get my coat.

- Yeah! - Yay!

Hold still, sweetie. One more button.

Careful, honey. Don't run!

[ Dad ] I haven't seen a good movie in ages.

I like a good musical comedy with a plot. A whodunit.

A whodunit with a good dance number, I don't care.

[ Doorknob Rattles ]

[ Weak Barking ]

[ Weak Barking ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Mom ] The door isn't locked.

No, I remember locking it. I'm sure I locked it.

[ Mom ] Look! [ Gasps ]

I think somebody broke in!

- Wow! - Wow.

[ Dad ] Not a chance. The dog was here.

Oh, my God. They've taken the coffeemaker.

No, no. The dog was here.

Mommy, the "bofa" is gone.

- [ Dad ] But the dog was here! - [ Billy ] Wow!

It looks like they got the whole stereo system, Dad!

[ Skip Shouting ] But the dog was here!

Weren't you? We don't expect too much from you, do we?

Not really, no.

All we expect is for you to be a dog,

which means you eat and sleep...

and occasionally keep the stupid house from getting robbed!

But I'm going to give you another chance.

One more chance.

- [ Billy Imitates Plane ] - You look great, honey.

Thanks. I had my tips frosted.

[ Panting ]

[ Billy ] I am the barf man.

[ Mom ] Billy, stop teasing your sister.

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Ticking Continues ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Doorknob Rattles ]

[ Growls, Barks ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Whines, Weak Bark ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Barks ]

[ Barking ]

[ Growling, Gasps ]

Uh, my name's Skip Binford.

I'm here to see Ms. Lestrange.

Thank you.

[ Barking Echoes ]

[ Woman ] Do you like what you see?

I'm Gert� Lestrange, administrator of this facility,

and this is my assistant, Ronga.

Oh-- [ Clears Throat ] I-- I--

I think you will find our methods most effective.

Our success rate is close to 100%.

If we can't transform your dog...

into a quivering, snarling, white-hot ball of canine terror,

then we will grant you a full refund, of course.

Uh, well, actually--

You wish a demonstration. Most certainly.

Angel.

[ Snarling ]

- [ Man Screaming ] - [ Snarling Continues ]

Angel, come!

- [ Growls ] - [ Ronga Panting ]

- [ Door Slams ] - [ Lock Clinks ]

[ Door Creaks ]

[ Sighs ]

So what's the big deal?

He doesn't look like a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball of canine terror to me.

[ Snarling ]

[ Snaps ]

Cash or charge?

[ Snarling ]

- What are we gonna do? - I don't know. I don't know!

He's turned into a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball of canine terror!

We're gonna have to make a break for the car.

- Count of one? - No, two.

[ Together ] No, three!

- Okay. Three. - One, two three!

[ Barking ]

[ Squealing Tires ]

[ Panting ]

[ Growling ]

[ Screams ]

[ Man On TV ] And now, back to Days of our Soaps.

[ Grunting ]

- [ Growls ] - [ Sighs ]

[ Woman ] Wade has always loved me.

He married you for your money!

[ Woman #2 ] Liar! Liar!

- [ Slap ] - [ Woman ] How dare you slap me?

[ Slap ]

[ Woman #2 ] How dare you slap me back?

- Freeze! - [ Snarling ]

What are we gonna do?

Let's tie him up.

Good boy! Good little doggie!

We sure showed him, didn't we?

We sure showed the nasty coppy-woppy, yes.

This is gonna work out just fine.

[ Barks, Panting ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Screams ]

The Dog Gang? How humiliating.

Where do they get off calling us The Dog Gang?

I'm beginning to think the party's over.

I'm beginning to think maybe we don't need a dog.

[ Whines, Growls ]

Or maybe we need a new dog.

Or maybe we need a cat!

[ Snarling ]

[ Screeching ]

Hold it. Reach for the sky.

[ Tapping ]

No dog food tonight.

Nothing but the best for our little hero.

[ Buffy ] Good puppy.

Now I want you to just relax.

- And I want you to enjoy your meal. - Dog, dog, dog, dog.

And I want you to get a good night's sleep.

And I want you to take out the trash.

Poopy baby wants some food too.

[ Burps ]

I hate that doll.

Come on, you guys. It's way past your bedtime.

- But, Mom! - Billy!

[ Buffy ] ? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ?

- But, Mom! - No grief tonight, buster.

- Go brush your teeth, right now. - Okay.

[ Buffy ] ? W, X, Y and Z ??

[ Quietly ] Honey. Honey.

[ Whispering ] The front door is locked.

Could you come down and--

Ah, I'll have to get in through the back door.

- [ Snarling ] - [ Dad ] No, no! Stop it! Down!

It's me! It's-- Bad!

It's me, you stupid animal!

No! No!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Ticking ]

[ Keys Rattling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Water Running ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

- Who is it? - [ Man ] My name is Watts.

I think I have something that belongs to you.

A silver pen with your name on it?

Where'd you find it?

You left it on the Manhattan Bridge about 45 minutes ago.

Thanks for your trouble. [ Exhales ]

Wouldn't you like to know what I was doing on the Manhattan Bridge at 1:00 a.m.?

No, frankly, I wouldn't.

If you don't mind, it's very late, and I'd like to go to sleep.

As a matter of fact, I was watching you dump somebody's body into the East River.

You're mistaken. That was old clothes.

Goodwill doesn't pick up anymore, you know?

Old clothes don't usually need a tire jack stuffed in with them to make sure they'll sink.

I was passing your building. I saw you putting the bag into the trunk of your car.

In my business, you learn to recognize the outline of a head and shoulders.

- So I followed you to the bridge. - Who are you?

A detective with the New York Police Department.

Very nice, the way you big deal Broadway composers live.

Who's that? Your father?

The greatest composer of music the American theater has ever produced-- George Gershwin.

Nice piano. How often do you have it tuned?

Whenever I have to.

And, uh, how often do you wash your candelabra?

Look, Mr. Watts, you have no basis for your accusation,

so I suggest that unless you have a warrant--

- [ Papers Rustle ] - Hmm.

[ Singsong ] "C", "C", "E", "E", "D", "E".

"C."

I always liked music. My family couldn't afford the lessons.

Oh, look at that.

Somebody spilled his bloody mary.

[ Chuckles ] You wouldn't have liked him.

He was a total slime.

You better get your coat, Mr. Gillespie.

- I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you downtown. - You like music?

What do you think of this?

? Balboa thought it was terrific ?

? When he discovered the Pacific ?

? Columbus sailed the ocean blue ??

That's cute. Is it yours?

- It is, and it isn't. - What does that mean?

- Had a partner. His name was Jerry. - I remember.

You guys were together a long time.

Yeah, we split up six months ago. We decided to work on our own.

I signed on to do a musical with Logan Webb, the producer.

Logan is a very impatient man.

Jo-Jo, we've got to have those songs by Wednesday.

Couldn't you at least let me hear a couple of them?

Listen, Logan, when I was working with Jerry,

he used to show our stuff all over town before it was ready.

By the time people saw the show, they thought they were seeing a revival.

Now that I'm on my own, things are different. You will see the songs on Wednesday.

Laurie's heard the songs. Laurie, tell the man.

- Uh, it's-it's his best work ever, Mr. Webb. - There. See?

It'll be the only cast in history to get their songs on the first day of rehearsal.

[ Laurie ] Don't you ever do that to me again. He knew I was lying.

Honey, you were sticking up for your fella. Think of it as a higher form of truth.

You're the best, baby. You gonna eat those strawberries?

Look who's here, old tin ear. Don't you know you can't afford this table since we broke up?

- Hi, Jerry. Think of a rhyme for June yet? - Stop it, Jo-Jo.

- Hi, Laurie. - Hi, Jerry.

I understand you're going to Aruba.

[ Jo-Jo ] Where did you hear that?

Carmen, the cleaning lady, of course.

I thought I'd take a little time off to be by myself.

You're by yourself now.

I think Carmen, the cleaning lady, should stick to her vacuum cleaning...

and stop acting like a gossip columnist.

- Why don't you fire her? - Why don't you?

- No, you fire her. - That's why she'll always work for both of you.

Face it, Jo-Jo, you'd be lost without her.

- He's right, Jo-Jo. You do depend on her. - What?

I do not depend on her for anything.

Who the hell's side are you on, anyway?

- [ Vacuuming ] - ?? [ Light ]

[ Ringing ]

Would somebody answer the phone, please? I am trying to work here.

Mr. Jo-Jo's apartment. This is Carmen speaking.

Ah, hello, Mr. Webb.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry. He just went out one minute ago.

But if you're calling about the songs, Mr. Webb,

they are the most beautiful songs I ever--

All right, Mr. Webb, I tell him.

Wednesday.

- [ Vacuuming Resumes ] - Well, you picked a great time, didn't you?

I've been working on this thing for three months,

and I don't have note one, and now you're leaving me.

Will you cut that thing off?

Honey, I'm so sorry I yelled at you.

I'm under a tremendous amount of pressure.

I've just gotta top Jerry with my show, honey.

Aw, sweetie, didn't we have a great time in Atlantic City?

? You got to admit it was pretty in old Atlantic City ?

- [ Slams ] - [ Bangs Keys ]

What's happening, Carmen? Where am I going wrong?

I can't seem to write anything. I've lost my girl.

Mr. Jo-Jo, last year, when my little Perrito disappear, somebody say to me,

"Why you no go see Sister Teresa? She find your dog for you."

Carmen, I can't deal with this psychic voodoo nonsense.

But Teresa find Perrito for me, Mr. Jo-Jo.

She cure Ramon's asthma,

and she make Carmen fall in love with Ah Fong.

For a while.

Yeah, uh, I-- I'm going for a walk, Carmen.

Make sure you lock up, all right?

[ Clears Throat ]

Um, Sister Teresa?

Either she will come back immediately, or she will never come back.

Who?

Oh, forget about Laurie. What about my music?

- I'm totally blocked. - Music?

No, no, I cannot help you. I am sorry.

Music is too dangerous, too painful and too unpredictable.

- Too painful? - Yes!

It requires a total possession by the spirit of the master.

It is exhausting.

I'm too old for it. I must ask you to leave.

Sister Teresa, you've gotta help me.

- No. - Music is my life!

I feel like I'm losing my talent.

Why can't I write anymore?

Please, you've got to help me!

[ Groans ]

[ Shrieks ]

[ Shrieking Continues ]

?? [ "Rhapsody In Blue" ]

So you dried up, huh? That's one thing that never happened to me.

I couldn't write 'em down as fast as I could think 'em up.

"Fascinating Rhythm," "The Man I Love"-- I never stopped.

And there's plenty more where that came from.

So what do ya need?

Well, uh, the opening tune. I need a snappy boy-girl duet.

He's a millionaire, and she's a reporter who--

Never mind the plot, nobody cares.

I got just the number. Listen to this.

? Balboa thought it was terrific ?

? When he discovered the Pacific ?

? Columbus sailed the ocean blue ?

? And Marco Polo found China solo ?

? But I discovered you ?

? Remember Ferdinand Magellan ?

? He saw the straits and nearly fell in ?

? Cort�s found gold in old Peru ?

[ Male Singer ] ? Both Clark and Lewis ?

[ Female Singer ] ? Gave rivers to us ?

[ Together ] ? But I discovered you ?

- Not so fast. - Fabulous.

If the rest are as good as this, we've a hit.

Don't worry. I'm bringing in more tomorrow.

? Around your heart, dear ?

? Consider Hudson and da Gama ?

? They brought the bacon home to mama ?

? We give them credit where it's due ?

- ? Take Spain or Thailand ? - ? I'll stick with my land ?

? 'Cause I discovered you ??

Uh, Bob.

Terrific tune, huh, Alan?

Better than anything he wrote with Jerry.

I knew he wanted to get off on his own,

but, frankly, I didn't think he was this good.

- I don't think he is. - What do you mean?

I know Jo-Jo's style. I've played every show he did with Jerry Lane.

He can't write like this. I'm telling you. This is someone else's.

Why, Alan, I'd almost think you were jealous.

?? [ Ends ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Dinner for one again, huh, Jer?

Jo-Jo, did you know our shows are opening the same night?

No, I heard your show was in trouble. I thought you had a little book problem.

Really? I heard you were having trouble coming up with the tunes.

Time to dip into the old trunk, eh, Jo-Jo?

Trunk, schmunk! They're the best tunes I've ever written.

I'd love to play you one, except you'd steal it.

Oh, you're right.

You always were the one with the best ideas, the most... talent.

Would you do me a favor? Would you listen to one of my songs?

- From your actual show? - Mm-hmm. I'd like an honest opinion.

It's the love song.

? You're my anything Whatever you want to be ?

? Be anything and be it eternally ?

It's really just great, Jer. I love that.

? You're sexy, you're smart ?

? You're the Earth and the moon ?

? The sand and the dune and the sea ??

I'm moved, Jer. I'm really moved.

- ?? [ Piano ] - [ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

? Ticklish toes That's how it goes ?

? Ticklish toes in my socks ?

? Ticklish toes Nobody knows ?

? Ticklish toes Oh, what shocks ?

? You've got me hoppin' ?

? Each evening till 3:00 ?

? Ticklish toes Ticklish toes ?

- [ Inaudible ] - ? Ticklish toes Keep dancin' with me ??

- [ Groans ] - [ Thud ]

Oh, that was really good, George. Only two more to go.

Mr. Jo, you must go home. This is killing me.

I told you. Music always do this to me.

My heart-- My heart can't stand this.

Teresa, we're so close. Don't fail me now.

- Pepi. Pepi! - Forget Pepi!

George, do you hear me? George, we only have two more songs left!

- [ Teresa ] Pepi! - You must go now, Mr. Jo.

- Go? - Can I have the $15?

Listen, sonny. I gotta have one more session with your mommy.

I don't care what it costs. I'll give you, uh-- I'll give you $100.

I gotta have two more songs.

A hundred dollars?

You call back tomorrow, okay?

God bless you. I will never forget you.

[ Kisses ] I love you.

Ethics? What are you talking about? Ethics.

I'm talking about representing yourself as the composer of another man's work.

This is none of your business, Alan!

Is that what you're going to say to Logan Webb?

You make me sick, Jo-Jo.

For eight years now, I have watched you ride Jerry Lane's coattails,

and steal ideas from every composer in this town.

But this time, you're not going to get away with it.

It's time somebody blew the whistle on you, and I am just the guy who--

[ Sighs ] Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

[ Grunting ]

Oh.

- [ Panting ] - [ Splashes ]

? You got me hoppin' each evenin' till 3:00 ?

? Ticklish toes Ticklish toes ?

? Ticklish toes Keep dancin' with me ??

Well, great stuff, huh? Hell, I'm the new Gershwin.

Oh, this show is gonna run for years.

How much can a guy make on a show that runs for years?

On my last show, I was making, uh, about 10,000 a week.

Oh, more than I could possibly spend.

Tell me, Watts, how would you like to acquire an interest in a hit Broadway show?

Meet a lot of pretty girls, find a dividend check in your mailbox every month?

It wouldn't cost you a thing.

I've always loved show business.

Enough to forget what you saw on that bridge tonight?

What do you say? Ten percent of my share?

Half of your share? I don't see how I could refuse.

It's nice to know greed isn't confined to the arts.

- Then it's a deal. - Mmm.

I think I'd like a drink. How about some champagne?

I think a toast is in order.

Your friend Jerry has stars in his eyes.

The theater's been good to you boys.

The muses are fickle, Watts.

Let's see if he has stars in his eyes when his rotten show opens next week.

[ Cork Pops ]

Did you ever have one of those days?

Life is unpredictable, isn't it?

And the muses are fickle.

If I Discovered You should turn out to be a disappointment at the box office--

- Yes? - Naturally, our deal is off.

I'll drink to that.

This is Trish Tarleton, Entertainment Tomorrow.

We're here at Sordi's, talking to two songwriters...

who used to be Broadway's hottest team.

- Fellas, what happened? - I'll tell ya what happened, Trish.

I was sitting at the piano one day,

and I saw this guy asleep on the couch, as usual.

I said, "For this I'm giving up 50%?"

Well, I'm not going to stoop to Jo-Jo's level of personal vindictiveness.

But, uh, let me just say that after five years of his irresponsibility,

his pettiness, and his incipient alcoholism--

Oh, uh, don't forget to mention nail biting.

And now each of you has a show opening exactly one week from tonight.

No, that's really not quite accurate, Trish.

I have graciously decided to postpone the opening of my show for one night.

[ Jerry ] Oh, really?

Well, that way the critics can cover both shows. How nice.

Now, Jerry, I understand you've got something else to celebrate.

Isn't there an engagement in the wind?

Oh, well, Trish, no secret is safe from you, is it?

There's the lucky young lady right there.

- Laurie McNamara. - [ Jo-Jo ] What?

You creep. How long has this been going on?

- About a year. - [ Sighs ]

I'm counting on an early dinner tonight.

- How come? - The show will probably close at intermission.

I'm sure Jerry's score is a real piece of... cake.

- Hey, Jer. - Hi, Jo-Jo, glad you could make it.

- [ Shutters Clicking ] - I cannot wait to hear "You're My Anything" tonight.

What? [ Chuckles ] Oh, that!

You're such a jerk. That was a joke!

[ Jo-Jo ] You invited Carmen to your opening?

Well, sure. She's part of the family.

- [ Man ] Curtain going up. - Oh. Oh, go ahead.

I'll see you inside.

[ Instruments Tuning ]

Teach me about show business.

Why did you let Jerry open his show before yours?

Well, because my success will taste sweeter in the wake of his failure.

I hope you brought something interesting to read.

?? [ Orchestra ]

That sounds familiar.

Sister Teresa? What is she doing here?

? Balboa thought it was terrific ?

? When he discovered the Pacific ?

? Columbus sailed the ocean blue ?

[ Male Singer ] ? And Marco Polo ?

[ Female Singer ] ? Found China solo ?

[ Together ] ? But I discovered you ?

Jo-Jo, what's our song doing in this show?

I have no idea. Where are you going?

To cancel our opening, and to call my lawyer.

One of you guys is in big trouble.

? Consider Hudson and da Gama ?

? They brought the bacon home to mama ?

? We give them credit where it's due ?

Listen, Watts, this doesn't mean-- We still have a deal, right?

The muses are fickle, Jo-Jo.

? I'll stick with my land 'cause I discovered-- ?

? I hereby plant the flag ?

? Yes, I discovered you ??

[ Cheering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Tires Screech ]

Hi, honey! I'm home.

[ Boy ] Hi, Dad. Mom's not home yet.

Randy? [ Groaning ]

I found it in the backyard-- a dead diamondback rattlesnake.

Get that out of here before your mother gets home.

But it's got eight rattles.

Get it out of here.

You know how your mother hates it when anybody drips snake venom on her carpet.

A-And Randy,

where did I ask you not to park your bike, hmm?

[ Sighs ]

[ Woman Screams ]

[ Woman ] Get rid of that thing!

[ Sighs ]

The prospectus on this place said absolutely nothing about poisonous wildlife.

- Are you all right? - What else have we got to look forward to?

Honey, maybe you should start your leave of absence a little earlier.

Oh, no, I'm okay. I'm just a little tired. That's all.

[ Man On TV ] ...starts downfield, but is tackled.

- [ Man Continues, Indistinct ] - [ Cheering ]

- Late in the third quarter-- - [ Channel Changes ]

[ Man #2 On TV ] ...film presentation has been rated "R"...

and not suitable for children under the age of 16,

as it contains violence, graphic sex and strong language.

Put it back.

-Parental discretion is advised. -Thanks for fixing the remote.

- [ Cheering Continues ] - [ Animal Howling ]

[ Barking ]

[ Gasps, Chuckles ]

Mommy knows you're there. You don't have to keep kicking her all the time.

- [ Woman ] Al? - [ Dog Barking ]

- Al? - [ Rattling ]

[ Animal Howling ]

[ Dog Barking ]

Coyotes, honey. They're just howling at the moon.

First rattlesnakes, then coyotes. Now earthquakes?

- Oh, no! - [ No Sound ]

Coyotes, honey. They're just howling at the moon.

First rattlesnakes, then coyotes. Now earthquakes?

Oh, no!

[ On TV ] Defense! Defense!

What do you call it when you feel like something has happened before?

D�j� vu.

I felt it too.

The coyotes-- They stopped.

Mom, Dad, look!

[ Al ] There's somebody moving around in there.

[ Mother ] Maybe somebody's moved in.

That's impossible. The house is only half-finished.

- [ Mother ] Maybe they're working nights. - Maybe it's burglars!

- [ Sighs ] - Maybe I should check it out.

Okay! Let's go!

Randy, you stay right here.

[ Sighs ]

The "For Sale" sign is gone.

[ Bird Hoots ]

Hello?

Is everybody okay in there?

[ Gasps ]

They came from the house next door.

Randy. Randy, I thought I told you to stay inside.

- [ Electrical Zapping ] - [ Items Crashing ]

Weird.

Well, I-- I, uh, guess they're all right.

Come on. Let's-- Let's go, okay?

What is that man doing?

Oh, I guess he's just-- probably just getting out his frustrations.

You know, like when I go to the driving range.

Come on. Come on, son. Let's go.

We'll find a more opportune moment to-- to meet the neighbors, okay?

Say-- Say, did I ever tell you about that time that I was on the 18th hole--

[ Mother ] Randy, whatever are you doing?

Mom, these guys are strange.

Young man, in this family, we do not spy!

- Get down. Come look. - What is it?

Hmm.

[ Randy ] Totally weird, right?

What's so weird about sitting in your own back yard?

In dining room chairs? In the dirt?

[ Al ] Hey! What's going on?

Come see our new neighbors--

Zombie-oids from Dudley Drive!

Man, are they ever bizarro.

Oh, Randy, neighbors are always strange.

Those are the rules.

Hmm, well, let's get dressed and go out and meet our new neighbors, hmm?

- [ Knocking ] - [ Al ] Hello?

Hello?

Hello. I'm Nell Lewis. [ Chuckles ]

My husband, Al. We're your neighbors.

We thought you had a little-- little problem last night.

I came over to make sure you were all right,

but I guess you didn't hear me knock.

Hi, Al. My name is Ted Hellenbeck.

This is my wife, Ann. This little tyke is my son, Brad.

Brad Hellenbeck. He's a real chip off the old block.

Glad to know ya.

So, where are you guys from?

- When? - [ Chuckles ] No, where.

- You're not from Arizona. - How do you know that?

Well, your accents, for starters.

You must be from New York, right? [ Chuckles ]

And you are pale.

But I guess if you get outside like this every single day,

you won't be pale for very much longer. [ Chuckles ]

So what do you do?

Uh, I mean for work.

I, uh, vivisect information.

Oh. Any particular kind?

Sociological substructures.

Ann is a cataloger.

She's working on a list of atomic deformities...

in the rare earths.

Or she was.

When are you birthing?

June. He'll be a Gemini.

Just like Al.

Gemini?

I thought this was Arizona.

I brought you these.

Roses. Roses.

Oh, I can't believe it.

It's been a very long time since I saw a rose.

Not since I was a child. [ Inhales ]

And she ate two of them,

and she fed one to her son before I had a chance to stop her.

Then she thanked me, and she said she was gonna save the rest of them till later.

Don't tell Randy. He already thinks they come from Mars.

Randy may just have something there.

First we had the rattlesnakes. Then we had the coyotes.

And then the earthquakes, and now them.

Honey-- Honey, did you see a moving van yesterday?

And they don't have a car.

Okay!

[ Nell ] Dinner in five minutes!

- What is it? - [ Nell ] Meat loaf.

- Does it have little chunks of onions in it? - Yes.

Yuck.

I'll find a good excuse.

Right.

Now I wonder what this does?

[ Hums ]

Okay, I've got you working. So what do you do?

[ Hissing ]

[ Explosion Echoes ]

- Dad! - [ Al ] Randy!

[ Nell ] Randy, what was that noise?

- Dad! - What is going on, Son?

- What is-- - Hurry! The seeker went off!

- The what? - The seeker! That!

[ Nell ] What is that thing?

- [ Ted ] It's a heat seeker. - [ Nell ] What is going on?

- Al, do something! - Get things hot! Quick!

Hotter than body temperature! Now! Get back!

- There's another one! - Quick! Get something hot!

- I've got it. I've got it. - Watch out for your hands!

It's getting hotter. What should I do with it?

Mom! Drop it. Drop it.

- [ Hissing ] - Randy!

- Randy, behind you! - [ Nell ] Get back!

Watch out, Randy! Get down!

- [ Nell ] Randy, back up! - [ Al ] Randy, get out of here!

The oven, Randy! Get away!

[ Nell ] Go into the hallway! Randy, go into the hallway!

[ Al ] Get behind me, honey. Get behind me!

It's gonna blow! It's gonna blow!

- [ Nell ] Not the meat loaf! - [ Al ] Watch out!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Shrieks ] Honey! You're burning!

[ Shrieks ]

Come on! Come on. Get hot. Get hot!

[ Whirs ]

Come on. Get off. Get off, move.

Move!

[ Explosion ]

- Dad, are you okay? - Honey, oh--

- My goodness. - What happened?

Maybe you should tell us what is going on here.

Is everyone all right?

Who are you people?

What is that for?

The wave traps.

If they break through, we see patterns in the water.

It happens if someone leaves or someone arrives.

Breaks through what?

Where are you people from?

Not where-- When.

We're from the future.

A little over 400 years.

Last night, did you experience a, uh, repeat in time?

[ Together ] Coming from the future causes that.

We came here to protect Brad.

Having a family is very different for us than for you.

For us, it's scientific.

A genetic structure is obtained from the parents, improved and assembled in vitro.

No morning sickness,

no dangerous delivery.

No stretch marks.

All completely controlled.

Better than nature.

We live in a purified society.

No congenital deformities, no hereditary diseases.

- A population always... - [ Together ] Perfect.

But Brad is special, because he's not special.

At least, not scientifically.

He's an outlaw-- born naturally.

You were the only pregnant woman I'd ever seen...

except for myself.

Brad's ours.

You can't know what that means to us.

I've got some idea.

How did you get here?

My job was studying the new millennium.

I had limited access to a traveler.

I destroyed it so they couldn't trace the signal.

I don't know how they found us.

They didn't find you. They found us.

You're right. We're the criminals.

Because of Brad.

We should go.

Go? Go where?

[ Humming ]

I'm sorry about your kitchen.

Don't worry about a thing.

Listen. We want to help you.

If you're gonna fit in here, you're gonna need a job. You're gonna need a car.

And whatever it takes, we'll be there for you.

[ Gasps ]

- What is it? - Somebody's about to cross time!

They must have tracked us!

I found it in the trash.

I put it back together again.

That's how they tracked us!

We must go, now!

- Give that to me! - Dad!

[ Zaps ]

- [ Screams ] - [ No Sound ]

- Give that to me! - Dad!

- Hey! - Take your hands off me!

Take your hands off me!

[ Grunts ]

Ow. This is giving me pain.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

- This is hurting. - [ Zaps ]

[ Sighs ]

You're safe now.

I'm really sorry.

They'll try and track us when we leave. We'll misdirect them.

Good-bye. And thank you.

Good luck.

Good-bye again.

Good luck... again.

Some night, huh, pal?

Well, I'll say one thing.

Sure were interesting neighbors.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Girl ] Look at it! It's going up.

[ Woman On P.A. ] The three-legged race will begin in 15 minutes.

[ Man ] Come on over here and let me take your picture.

[ Man On P.A. ] Anybody who's interested,

we've just made up some special lemonade over here,

so grab some cups and make yourselves at home.

There's plenty for everybody. Come on, kids.

[ Child Giggling ]

[ Quacking ]

- [ Chuckles ] - [ Girl Laughs ]

- [ Laughs ] - She's so beautiful.

[ Girl ] Here you go.

[ Laughs ]

More bread, Mommy. I need more bread.

That's all, sweetheart.

Besides, I've gotta get back to start the Easter egg hunt.

You and Daddy can walk along the lake.

Mommy!

Now, Diana, you can stay with Daddy until the egg hunt begins.

[ Diana ] Can I go with you?

[ Woman On P.A. ] Three-legged race in five minutes.

Come on over and sign up.

Diana?

You're such a big girl now.

I hardly recognized you when I got off the plane.

Diana, listen to me.

Will you listen?

I know you don't understand about war.

There's no way that you could.

That's why you have to believe me when I tell you...

I didn't want to leave you and Mommy.

I had to.

A lot of daddies had to leave their children because of the war.

But you were in my thoughts every day,

and in my prayers every night, you and Mommy.

And I'm home now, Diana, and I'll never leave you again.

I promise.

You remember our song?

Sure you do. "Lavender Blue"?

? Lavender blue Dilly, dilly, ?

? Lavender green ?

? I'll be your king Dilly, dilly ?

? You be my queen ??

I don't... remember.

I don't remember.

[ Woman On P.A. ] Sprites. Sprites from Troop 416.

Please gather at the picnic area for the Easter egg hunt.

I've gotta go.

Come on, everybody. The hunt is about to begin.

Girls, come on in.

All right, everyone, gather round.

Okay, now, the eggs are hidden all over the park.

Oh, and there's one with something very special in it,

but that one's hard to find.

Okay. Everyone ready?

[ Girls ] Yeah!

Then let the hunt begin!

Diana.

Good luck, honey.

I wish I could make her understand.

Give her time, darling. She's only eight.

I know.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Oh, boy.

It's beautiful.

[ Bird Calls ]

You've got another 10 minutes, girls. Just 10 more minutes.

Go on. There are a lot of eggs out there.

Boy, she's got a basketful.

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

[ Woman ] Diana!

[ Dogs Barking In Distance ]

[ Man ] Hey, let's get that other boat in the water.

Come on!

[ Sighs ]

We have covered the forest without luck.

We're afraid she may have wandered into the marsh.

[ Sighs ]

The areas are marked, but she might have missed the sign.

What sign is that, Officer?

- Quicksand. - Oh, my God.

[ Groans ]

- If she's there, I'm afraid-- - [ Sobs ]

Of course, we'll keep looking.

I'm sorry.

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, George. [ Sobs ]

My baby. My baby!

[ Car Starts ]

[ Sobbing ]

How can it end like this?

I don't know. I don't know, Kathy.

[ Sobbing ] I don't know.

[ Sobbing Continues ]

[ Birds Twittering ]

[ Man ] Lay back. Close your eyes.

Get some rest.

I'll check you in the morning.

- Oh, no, Kathryn. - I wanna write something, George, before I forget.

George!

You can work on it in the morning.

Oh, pooh.

Do you remember, George, that day,

after Diana disappeared?

Hmm?

I felt so sure she'd be found safe.

It's hope that never died, George.

Never died.

But sometimes false hope needs to be put to rest.

We've gotta tell people that.

Oh, Georgie.

It held us back for so many years.

I wanna write about that in the book, George,

about letting false hope go.

Look what the children sent you.

Ohh!

I should write to them.

In the morning.

I love them all.

- About the book, George. - Go to sleep, love.

False hope--

the need to let it go.

- [ Sighs ] - [ Door Closes ]

This should help ease her pain.

- George? - She's not going to die.

- Let her go, George. - No!

Now, don't make it hard for her to leave.

- It'll be easier for you-- - The children need her!

She's very important to these kids.

And she's given them so much love,

and has so much more to give.

- It's not time. - The children still need you, George.

You can open the school again.

You can continue the work.

Not by myself.

She's the foundation here.

I can't do it.

I'm 78 years old.

I've never been alone in my life.

Kathryn.

Don't give up, Kathy.

Please don't give up.

Without you, I'm nobody.

Don't leave me here alone.

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

Daddy?

Diana?

It's me, Daddy.

Diana!

You look... different.

Like Grandpa Willoughby.

It's been 40 years, Diana.

How can you still look the same?

Annie!

[ Laughs ]

Did you miss me while I was gone?

- Mmm! - How?

How can you look like this?

Well, you're real.

- Where's Mommy? - Mommy?

I came to see Mommy.

Mommy's sick, sweetheart. Mommy's very sick.

Who stays in my room now?

No one.

So many toys!

Who did all of these?

Did you and Mommy have more children?

No, we--

We could never have another child.

We opened a school for children.

We tried to give them...

the love that we could never give you after--

Oh! To see you like this--

Forty years, the same as you were that day at the park.

Daddy,

I'm sorry about that day.

I--

I do understand now, and--

I didn't mean to hurt you.

- Please forgive me. - Oh, God. Diana.

? Lavender blue Dilly, dilly ?

? Lavender green ?

? I'll be your queen ?

? Dilly, dilly ?

? You'll be my king ??

See? I never forgot.

Don't be sad anymore.

Ohh!

Now let's go see Mommy.

Kathy!

See who's here, love?

Kathy.

No. Not now.

Not now.

Kathy!

Not now.

[ Moans ]

Daddy, let her go.

[ Sobs ]

You'll be with her again.

Yes, I will be.

I'll be with her again.

[ Wind Whistling ]

[ Wind Continues ]

It never ends, Daddy.

It changes, but it never ends.

- We have to go now. - Wait!

- I'm going with you. - [ Kathy ] George, no.

You still have work to do.

Finish our book, darling.

I love you very much.

We'll come back for you when it's your time.

I love you.

[ Rumbling ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Woman ] Alan. Alan.

Alan.

Rise and shine, kiddo.

[ Man On Radio ] Down at Zuma you can find four-foot swells in pretty good shape.

But forget about Santa Monica.

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Beeps, Whirs ]

Can't Pop invent something quiet?

Let's just hope he fixed it, honey.

[ Beeps ]

Voil�!

As you ordered, sir-- Over easy.

I'll get you some milk.

I had that dream again last night, Mom.

Oh, Alan, you're reading too many of these things, young man.

That's the problem.

You're right.

It's like something out of my Space Commando comics,

except more real...

like I was there.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, could I have another egg?

[ Beeps, Whirs ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Squeaking, Warbling ]

I think we have to, Val.

I mean, we just can't wait until the last minute, honey.

It would be too cruel.

All right, I'll tell him tonight.

Hey, Dad!

All right, I'll tell him now.

- I asked for over easy. - Uh-huh.

And look what I got.

Y-- Alan.

[ Sighs ]

Uh, look, uh, Son, do you have a moment?

Sure, Dad. What's up?

Alan, we're moving.

- Moving? - Yes. I have a job opportunity.

Well, but you're a freelance inventor.

Well, yes, of course, I know.

But, uh, this is something I can't pass up.

We can't really talk about it now. You have to go to school.

We'll discuss it later, okay?

We just wanted to prepare you.

[ School Bell Rings ]

[ Chattering ]

So, are we still on for tonight?

- Hi. - Hi.

Sure.

Alan, what's wrong?

Come on. Don't go spacey on me.

I can get that kind of behavior at home.

[ Bell Rings ]

- Karen, we're moving. - Moving? Where? When?

Uh, will you come over tonight?

Sure.

Come on, Alan. You're my best friend.

[ Boy ] Isn't that sweet?

Check out the odd couple.

[ Scoffs ] A couple of lovebirds.

Just ignore them, Alan.

How can you ignore jerks that size?

That's it, Webster.

[ Locker Rattling ]

- All yours, sweetheart. - [ Chuckles ]

[ Knocking ]

Are you okay?

Thirty-five right, 16 left, 24 right.

Well, we always have telephones.

We can call each other any time we want.

It's not the same.

You know it's not the same.

There's summer vacations, student fairs and stuff.

[ Sighs ] Yeah.

Well, did your dad say you where you're moving to?

- No, he didn't. - Aren't you even curious?

Oh, who cares? It's away from you.

This thing is really neat. Too bad it can't be our science project.

[ Buzzing ]

Oh, I should have told you not to turn it on.

It, uh, overloads the circuits.

I'll be right back.

Hey, turn it off so it doesn't happen again.

Okay.

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Pneumatic Door Opens ]

[ Gasps ]

What's wrong?

I don't know.

[ Mom ] Alan, we're home.

[ Clock Ticking ]

One, two, three.

There's gotta be a way.

Three, one, two.

[ Pneumatic Door Opens ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Door Opens ]

[ Pneumatic Door Opens ]

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

- Good morning, sweetheart. - Hi, Mom.

- Did you sleep well? - Uh-huh.

- So, Dad. - Mm-hmm.

Invent anything... interesting lately?

Well, I can't say that I have, Son.

Not even... what's under the house?

I mean, I always knew you were a good inventor, but not that good.

What the heck is that thing?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, it's--

A space conveyor.

It's true, Alan.

- You built a space-- - Conveyor.

- A space conveyor under our house? - Well, no. I--

No?

Actually, I built the house...

on top of the space conveyor.

I hate to ask this,

but what is a space conveyor?

[ Chuckles ]

It's a device that conveys people through space.

Through space?

[ Dad ] Yes.

Well, how come you never told me about it before?

We weren't permitted to tell you, Son.

So, you see, planet observation is supposedly a lifetime post.

We've been here since you were a baby.

Oh. And then about a week ago, we were told we had to return to Alturus.

- Alturus? - Yes.

Alturus?

Mr. and Mrs. Alien?

And son. [ Chuckles ]

When are we supposed to move?

[ Sighs ] Tonight.

Tonight?

Where is this... place?

It's about 85 billion miles away.

Can't we just move to Cleveland?

Alan, I'm afraid this-- This isn't a joke, Son.

Okay. Sure.

We're going to Alturus.

Would you excuse me, please? I have to go pack my space suit.

- Alan! - Now, Alan, you--

You do understand that nobody else can know about this.

We weren't even supposed to have told you till just before leaving.

- Right. - Right.

Listen, I'm going back to bed so I can wake up.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Alan. Alan!

[ Alan ] No. Uh-uh.

[ Knocking ]

Son.

There's, uh, something your mother and I'd like you to look at.

[ Chirping ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Stops ]

[ Humming ]

[ Gasps ] I-I know that place.

- I've seen it. - Yes. In your dreams, Alan.

I don't know how you remember it.

You were so young when we left.

- That's Alturus? - Uh-huh.

- [ Beeps ] - [ Knocking ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Imitating Ray-Gun ]

[ Dad ] Alan?

- [ Drops Book ] - Here they are, folks.

The Alien family, together again.

Alan, I must say, I think you're taking this rather poorly.

Oh, really? Sorry to disappoint you.

Five minutes ago I was Alan Webster...

from Pacific Palisades, California.

Now I'm a life-form from the planet Alturus.

That's a pretty big change...

for a kid to have to go through, Dad.

Excuse me. I'm late for my last day of school.

?? [ Instruments Tuning ]

[ Sighs ] Alan.

- [ Bell Rings ] - Alan, are you all right?

I've been looking all over for you. Where've you been?

I've been... driving around.

- You wanna go for a ride? - Sure. Let's go.

?? [ Continues ]

[ Woman On Radio ] All right, after that stimulating set,

we're gonna settle in to a mellower groove.

[ Alan ] Karen,

we've been close for a long time, haven't we?

Since first grade.

Shared our biggest secrets with each other.

Believed in each other,

even when nobody else would.

Well, then... I'm an alien.

I knew you wouldn't believe it.

Why should you? I wouldn't believe it either.

Karen, there's a spaceship under our house.

I mean, a space conveyor.

- A space conveyor? - Yes. Yes.

That's what we're leaving in--

to go to Alturus, 85 billion miles away.

Oh, what's the use? I sound like I'm crazy.

- Wait a minute. - Come on. Let's go.

I don't understand.

I believe you.

No. No, you don't.

[ Sighs ]

But thanks for saying so.

I know I'll never see you again.

It's not fair.

It's just not fair.

Your ring.

Can you see it from here?

Mm-hmm. It's just left of Ursa Major, Alan.

Our sun isn't too far away.

And Alturus is the fourth planet from it.

Actually, it's a lot like Earth, you know.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I mean, the people look the same as they do here.

It's just the language that's different.

Different? How different?

[ Speaks Alien Language ]

I'm supposed to learn that? I can't even pass French!

You're gonna be very happy there, sweetheart. I promise you.

Can I watch the World Series there?

No.

Buy a pepperoni pizza there?

I'm afraid not, honey.

Can I see my friends there?

No, Alan.

[ Sighs ]

But you can swim in a golden sea.

And you can watch the setting of two moons.

You can even take your own rocket sled to four different planets.

My own rocket sled?

You wouldn't even let me have a motorcycle here.

[ Chuckles ]

Sweetheart, it's not the end of your life, you know.

It's a whole new beginning.

[ Chirping ]

We're all set.

[ Beeping ]

[ Laughing ]

- [ Mother ] Oh, Alan. - Is this the bus to Alturus?

[ Mother Laughs ]

[ Humming ]

[ Woman Speaking Spanish On P.A. ]

Ladies and gentlemen, we're leaving Earth orbit in three minutes.

[ Speaking French On P.A. ]

[ Speaking Italian On P.A. ]

Who are all these people?

Observers, just like us.

They've been stationed all over the planet.

[ Woman On P.A. ] Ladies and gentlemen,

we're leaving Earth orbit in two minutes.

[ Speaking French On P.A. ]

[ Speaking Italian On P.A. ]

Guess what my parents told me tonight?

[ Chuckles ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

- Paint it. - Pardon me?

Yeah, paint it. I'd go with a latex too.

You know, when I went into the P.R. business,

I never realized it stood for "personal ruin."

[ Sighs ]

Hey, hey, buddy.

- What, she break your heart or take a shot at you? - Don't ask.

- Hey, you want to talk about it? - I said don't ask, okay?

Well, come on, Joe.

What is it, your P.R. business, your clients or what?

My business. Hmm. What business?

What about the Garshbuller's Candied Dental Floss Company?

Ah, hit with a class action tooth decay suit.

And to be honest with you, I'm sick and tired of promoting the Blue Underwear Company.

Although at least, they're still in business.

But blue underwear-- [ Chuckles ] it turns my stomach.

Who wears blue underwear, huh? Am I right? It's offensive.

Well, yeah, okay, all right, but, uh--

Okay, how about that guy, uh, the swimmer?

Gadstone Simkins?

Don't ask. I get him write-ups in the New Yorker.

All the papers. He does interviews on radio, TV, the whole works.

- [ Thunder Rumbling ] - A snowball of publicity, right?

'Cause he's a local kid gonna swim the English Channel...

backstroke.

Now that's a new twist. [ Sighs ]

So, is it my fault the guy swims headfirst into a rock the size of a truck...

a lousy 20 yards short of the Gallic shoreline?

And he's wearing blue underwear.

Stuff will kill ya.

Ah, gee, Joe, that's-- must have been terrible. He okay?

Yeah, he's okay. Yeah.

He's as dumb as your socks now, but he'll be all right.

Gee. Well, I can understand how come you might be a little blue.

Don't say blue, please?

And you don't understand yet,

'cause I haven't done anything but play the overture here.

The clarinets are still cold.

Couple of weeks back, I go to my office.

What we're try to pull together here, Mr. Willoughby--

Is a contest. A beauty contest.

Hmm. Coffee, Miss Schroedinger.

Fast like a bunny.

I love contests. Just love 'em.

But no animals, okay?

I don't work with animals.

This is strictly people.

We want to call it the "Miss Stardust Contest."

I got you. You play up the whole galaxy angle, right?

That's big. I like it.

It's got nerve.

Well, I'm your man.

Now, who had the cream?

Just put it down, honey. The boys will tie their own bibs, hey, guys?

It's real cream, you know. Or maybe it's half and half and half. I forget.

[ Coughs ] You know, it's really stuffy in here.

Not exactly the theory of relativity, but she's a good kid.

Clean. Very clean.

The reason we looked you up is because we like the way...

you managed Mr. Simkins in the last couple of weeks.

Yeah. Too bad he had to make like the Titanic and suck surf, huh?

The point was, you had a fresh angle.

- Imagination. - Journalistic joie de vivre.

What?

Hey, you guys plannin' to pay up front, right?

Substantially.

It's a deal.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

- So you had it made, right? - [ Thunder Rumbling ]

Yeah, things looked good. Real good.

Jumbo coin.

And then the day of the pageant... trouble.

Big trouble.

- The cabbage showed up. - [ Thunderclap ]

...to the show. Places! Places! Two minutes.

[ Joe Narrating ] You know, Mikey, it hadn't rained on that date...

since 1867 in this town.

But on the day of my contest, it pours.

I didn't like it. Bad omen.

But, hey, I had fun with it.

Well, what have we here? Kukla, Fran and 0llie together again, huh?

- [ Man ] Let's go, ladies. - Just tuggin' on your toes. Just tuggin' on your toes.

You guys must be the judges, huh? Joe Willoughby here.

Ow. [ Chuckles ] Well, is the hour nearly at hand or what?

Pulchritude awaits us.

The perfect interstellar babe is knocking on heaven's door.

[ Man ] Let's go, girls. Come on, come on. Let's go. Places. Places.

Let's go. Hurry up. Come on.

- Places. - [ Thunderclap ]

Oh, that's some hot-looking storm there.

[ Rumbling, Creaking ]

[ Joe Narrating ] Mikey, all I can tell you is...

this thing was definitely not from New York.

At least not midtown Manhattan.

It was like a cross between Crazy Eddie and a produce department.

But there it was, big as life. And it spoke.

You're in charge?

[ Joe Narrating ] It was the Green Grocer's fantasy.

And it was staring me down.

Very well. Since no one present seems capable of speech,

I shall state our case and depart.

- Your case? - Ah, verbal skills. Excellent.

Hear me well. This contest is declared void.

You have most inappropriately named this event the Miss Stardust Contest.

Your choice is more than unwise.

It is obnoxious, naive and insulting to a serious degree.

Is this understood?

Hey, go find yourself some corned beef, okay?

You are warned!

Who is this guy? What do you want?

One of two things-- a change in the contest title,

because there's already been a contest with the same name...

or representation.

- Are you saying you got a copyright on the name? - We need no copyright!

We have the necessary potency to apply coercion to your world!

And do not strain our patience.

[ Joe Narrating ] Somewhere in the back alleys and secret passages...

of my P.R. man's mind, Mikey,

it came forward, rushing toward my forehead-- an idea.

An idea that was almost--

Perfect.

Tell you what, Cab-man, you got yourself a deal.

Now wait a minute.

This requires a little discussion.

Make your decision or perish forever.

Can I get anybody some coffee?

- Identify yourself! - Oh, I'm Joey's assistant.

I started out as a temp after earning a B.A. in liberal arts at Utah U.

I'm currently earning a competitive wage but eventually I'd like to get into--

Desist!

Joey's assistant has given me an idea.

To insure your honesty in this matter, I will detain her.

Wait a minute.

No way a brussels sprout bursts in and kidnaps my secretary.

Joey, is he serious?

Of course not. [ Chuckles ]

Well, you live and learn.

Wh-What have you done with her?

She is in dimension 49,

locked within a compartment of the space-time continuum...

until I choose to release her.

Dimension 49, huh? What, she's not good enough for 50?

You flirt with vaporization.

I will transport my entries here with me.

I will inform the member units of the alliance...

and all with be here within the hour.

- Entries? - [ Chuckles ] Several thousand.

- You gotta be kiddin'. - I note reluctance.

In that case, I will propose a compromise simple enough for even your comprehension.

Okay, fine. What's the compromise?

Three interplanetary contestants from your own solar system.

Fairness beyond this, you cannot expect to receive.

Yeah.

We'll call her "Miss Outer Space."

No! "The Girl With the Most Bodacious Antennas."

What do you say?

See you at the contest.

[ Woman Gasps ]

So, basically we mess up, we all get zapped into oblivion by a salad bar.

- Great! - That thing isn't playing, Willoughby!

What do you think happened to your secretary? Three weeks in Athens?

What are you gonna do, Joe?

If she's in dimension 49, I have no choice.

I have to dock her for the time's she gone.

But what about what the Cabbage Man said?

He said the fate of mankind hangs in the balance, right?

Well, that includes me, right?

[ Spits ]

Fellas, my fee just went up.

I know it may sound like P.R. hype, Mikey,

- but I was dreamin' the big dream. - [ Thunder Rumbling ]

The one that's up in neon with backup singers...

that spells, "Look out!"

How do you figure it, Joe?

So you say this space creep has put your secretary on ice...

and he's gonna french fry the world if you blow it?

[ Chuckles ] Joey, that sounds like a nightmare.

Maybe to a bartender it does, but not to a P.R. man.

Publicity, pal. I was getting the big one.

Set up another round and I just might tell you the rest of the story.

So, as long as you're asking.

This was some contest.

- ?? [ Accordion ] - Wow.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Joe Narrating ] But I'm tellin' you, Mikey, you'd have been real proud of me.

Even though I was terrified, I was poised-- a regular cologne dispenser.

Hey, slaw boy, you made it.

By the by, what did you do to my secretary?

You melt her down, turn her into an asteroid or what?

My wards are losing patience with you "Eath" people.

Heed my words, "Eathian"!

Or the repercussions begin with a woman known as "Joey's Assistant."

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Ends ] - [ Applauding ]

Well, now, let's hear it for Miss Colorado. [ Chuckles ]

Her hobbies are nuclear physics and deep sea fishing...

and who plans someday to teach auto repairs to old people.

- [ Rim Shot ] - And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we've a few late entries,

and they've traveled a heck of a distance to be here.

And we're thrilled that we don't have to pay the airfare for Miss Mars!

?? [ Belly Dancing ]

Oh.

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Man ] What's that? - [ Chattering ]

- [ Chattering Continues ] - Ahh!

[ Man #2 ] Get the hook!

[ People Hissing ]

[ Woman ] Go back to Mars!

- [ Man, Indistinct ] - Uh-uh. Ahh!

- ?? [ Ends ] - And, uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, uh,

let's have a big hand for Miss Mars!

[ Smattering Of Applause ]

And now, Miss, uh, Venus, would like to play a little ditty for us.

It's something called "I Wanna Hold Your Clam."

[ People Groaning ]

- ?? [ Synthesized ] - [ Woman Laughs ]

- [ Chuckles ] - [ Chattering ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Shrieking ]

[ Shrieking Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Woman ] Bravo!

This is highly unsatisfactory.

You will alleviate the situation...

or there will be increasing trouble for you.

Hey, how'd you like to French-kiss a grater?

I can't tell the audience what to do.

If Miss Mars is not chosen winner, there will be severe retaliation by her elders.

Boy, you are one humorless vegetable, you know that?

Why don't you give us a break, huh?

You created your own problem when you named the contest as you did.

- Face the music, "Eath-man." - Earth.

- And I didn't name the contest! - Beside the actual point.

[ Man ] Let's have a big hand for, uh, Miss Venus.

- [ Applauding ] - Ladies and gents, what can I say?

Here's a future mother of six,

Miss Jupiter!

- ?? [ Fanfare ] - [ Applauding ]

?? [ Singing Opera ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

Finish this contest quickly!

My wards are becoming violently ill at the sight of "Eath-people" en masse.

What're you talkin' about, ill?

Quite simply, they find your appearance surpassingly repugnant.

[ Whirring, Tone ]

I have decided.

Miss Jupiter must be awarded first prize,

- in addition to Miss Venus and Miss Mars. - No way!

They can't all win! It's un-American! It stinks!

We do not like you, "Eath-man."

Earth. Earth. It's called Earth.

Not where I come from.

Mmm! We find you obnoxious to the mind and unwholesome to the eyes.

My wards and I will rejoice when they have all won first prize...

and we can leave your loathsome, "hideouth" presence.

"Hideouth"? "Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

"Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

You are all "hideouth"!

With the possible exception of the "Eath-woman" you call Joey's Assistant.

She has a certain... savoir faire.

?? [ Opera Singing Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Continues ] - [ Laughing Continues ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Laughing ] - [ Applauding ]

[ Joe Narrating ] Mikey, it's not every day a man can tell his friends...

he's hatched a plan to save mother "Eath,"

but that's exactly what I did.

I was gonna give that green geek and his orbit babes and added prize--

a hunk of trouble more "hideouth" than they could ever imagine.

Ladies and gentlemen, before we announce our winner,

I would like to add a very special award to the list of once-in-a-lifetime prizes.

You're gonna love this.

We already announced the loving cup, the car, the Hollywood contract,

one free year's servicing and chassis work at Aldo's House of Beauty.

But now-- now for a really special prize.

One month vacation on the Mediterranean with none other than guess who?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Universe!

- ?? [ Drum Roll ] - [ Gasps ]

[ Women Screaming, Cheering ]

- [ Cheering ] - [ Applauding ]

[ Screams ]

- No! No! No! This is "hideouth"! - [ Women Screaming ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Clears Throat ]

You! You attempt trickery!

Hey, it's our contest. [ Laughs ]

We'll give you first prize,

but we reserve the right to decide what first prize is.

Beside the actual point!

How dare you choose that creature to be Mr. Universe!

Are you unaware the universe contains more galaxies...

than there are stars in your own galaxy?

- Gimme a break. - Ahh! I will give you a cataclysm!

This deceit calls for drastic action.

I must call immediately on the Alliance of Galaxies.

Whooooo!

Ah! There will be a contest held in this building...

to decide who is really entitled to the name "Mr. Universe."

Just exactly what are you talking about in round numbers, huh?

There are approximately 7,595,000 base representatives,

which should give even a mind such as yours...

some idea of the insignificance of your planet...

as it rolls through the void.

So, what did you finally do?

It wasn't easy, I'll tell you that much.

It wasn't easy at all.

In fact,

to be honest with you, it isn't even what I did.

No. Mankind was saved by love.

It seems that old cabbage head had a real thing for Miss Schroedinger.

She got him off our backs when he asked her to get hitched.

Quite a wedding. Best man had suction cups.

They're on their honeymoon now.

Joe, I gotta be honest with you.

This story is the most unbelievable pile...

of a number between one and three I ever heard.

Come on, it never happened.

It never even came close to happening.

You're totally insane, and you owe me for those drinks.

So you don't believe me, huh?

Not in a million years. What, do I look stupid to you?

Here, that's for the drinks.

Oh, and by the way,

here's a little something for bein' nice, for listenin' to an insane man.

[ Chuckles ]

See you around, pal.

So long, Joe.

?? [ Whistling ]

- [ Door Closes ] - Hi, Joey! I sure hope everything's okay back home.

Personally, I never had such a fun honeymoon in my whole life.

All we do is play up here on the third moon of Ungareena Mycappia.

Of course, all the food is plaid...

and I miss the fresh air of "Eath" and everything,

but Cabby's been so nice to me.

And I always was a vegetarian!

Take it easy. I gotta go.

- Well, have fun. - Greetings.

I trust events transpire pleasantly down on "Eath," Willoughby.

Don't take any Varcon Fundiggies.

[ Laughing ]

On the shore by the sea.

By the way, by tomorrow by this time we'll be.

On the boardwalk in Atlantic City.

We will walk in a dream.

On the boardwalk in Atlantic City.

Life will be peaches and cream.

Are we leavin' on time tonight, Pee-Wee?

There's your change. There's your mints.

Gee, thanks. Would you give this to our waitress please?

- Yeah, sure. No problem. - Thank you very much. Come on sweetheart.

Can we have the check?

Okay. Just a sec, miss.

Down on the old New Jersey shore.

Mighty good java. Hey, could you top it off, please, honey?

Sure.

By this time we'll be.

On the boardwalk in Atlantic City.

La da-da da-da-da-da.

In romantic, enchanted, Atlantic City.

Down on the old New Jersey shore.

Here. Let me get that door for you.

Thank you, Tina.

Lois, you're gonna have to come in in the mornin'.

In? Here?

No, Buckingham Palace. You're serving tea to the queen.

Yeah, here. You have to open up in the morning.

And don't leave those dishes in the sink overnight.

They'll stink the place up to high heaven.

Don't forget to take out the garbage. Let's go, honey.

But tomorrow is my day off.

Tina, you work tomorrow, right?

Tina's ain't coming in. Her sister's in town.

They're gonna go to the boardwalk and play the slots.

But-But-But tomorrow's my anniversary, Leo.

Herbert and I have been married for 10 years.

So bring Herbie in and have a slab of meat loaf on me, huh?

I can't do it.

I just can't.

Well, maybe you don't need this job.

Yeah, why don't you quit, Lois?

I hear they're hiring exotic dancers at Caesar's Palace.

Last call for New York.

We're still waiting for the check.

The bus is leaving.

I'll be right there.

So, you coming in or what?

I'll be in.

All right. Don't forget to take out the garbage.

Hi, Lo.

Herbert, what are you doing up so late?

Oh, Mr. Eines made me take some work home.

I gotta get General Custer's head fixed and back on his shoulders...

before the museum opens in the morning.

Oh.

- What time is it? - Oh, midnight.

Herbie, I have something for you.

Come on.

- What? What? - Now wait right here.

- What is it? - Open it.

It's your anniversary present.

Tonight?

I thought it was tomorrow.

Oh.

Lois, I didn't...

uh, bring your present home.

I was going to give it to you tomorrow night after dinner.

- Leo's making me work. - But we had plans!

I tried to talk him out of it, and he was gonna fire me.

That louse.

Well, never mind about him now. Just open your present.

"To Herbert, the world's greatest husband.

Happy Tenth Anniversary."

Oh.

Come on, honey. It's our anniversary.

I know.

Don't you find me attractive anymore?

Of course I do, Herbie.

I'm just so darn tired. Aren't you?

No! I'm wide awake.

I'd love to make love to you.

What about General Custer's head?

He can watch.

But my hair smells like cheeseburgers,

and my hands are like pine cones,

and my feet are swollen bigger than basketballs.

Excuses, excuses.

Don't you think it's important for us both to be in the mood?

Don't worry about it, I got enough mood to go around.

Oh, Herbert, I gotta go to sleep.

On second thought, I better get Custer's eyeballs in.

I really mean what it says on that trophy, Herbert.

I'm at my wit's end, Blaze.

Lois gave me this really great trophy.

She's so sweet. If I could just afford something nice for her.

Get her posies. Women go berserk for posies.

Believe me. I know.

Yeah, but good flowers cost a bundle these days.

Not if you time it right.

Pop over to the cemetery after work.

Wait until some poor, grieving sucker drops a bushel of daisies...

on their dear departed.

Then snatch 'em up and take them home to the missus.

I guarantee you, the dead guy ain't gonna mind.

Pass.

Suit yourself. But it worked for me.

I once brought this belle of mine...

a beautiful horseshoe made out of roses.

And boy, was she grateful.

Herbert, a wedding ring!

A last, my own ring! It's all I've ever dreamed of.

Oh, Herbert!

How could you afford such a gorgeous thing?

That's my little secret.

Happy anniversary, babe.

Do you like it?

Like it? I love it!

Would you?

Wow.

That's only the beginning, lover boy.

You, me... bedroom,

five minutes.

Be there.

You're a maniac.

I know.

So don't desert me now, you towering inferno.

Lois, please, have mercy on me, will ya?

I'm gonna come, and I'm gonna get you!

No, no.

More...

more...

more.

More, mor...

More.

You, the faint of heart, beware.

You may pass through this portal, but you may never return.

Mr. Eines, I can't find that ring anywhere.

I looked high and low. I'm really sorry.

Good morning, Herbert. Give us a hand with the lady.

- I... - You unpacked the jewelry for this exhibit.

- Wasn't there a ring in the box? - A ring?

You mean like a little gold ring with designs?

No, no.

Be careful, Herbert.

Lift her up very gently.

She's some cute cookie.

Three times married. Three times a murderer.

She knocked them all off the same way.

She was as clever with her blades...

as Baryshnikov is with his toe shoes.

I got her jewelry. I couldn't get her knives.

Uh, Mr. Eines, you said that the jewelry on this wax figure...

Genuine article. Her very own things.

A collector from Philadelphia bought them at an estate sale.

The Black Widow.

She's not up there.

Well, then she's dead. I know Lois.

If she's not here and she hasn't called in yet, she's got to be dead.

Oh, well.

What's the matter? Lunch crowd got you down?

Where the hell have you been?

Better stay away from those french fries, honey.

Your hips are getting a tad lumpy.

- Leo! - What is with you?

- Get to work. - Not today.

Gee, it's hot in here.

I just stopped by to say I quit.

You can't quit. You can't leave us here with all these customers.

Oh, Leo, you have such an amusing little mind.

I believe this is yours.

Ciao.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- Let's not be so hasty. - Maybe we could, uh, work something out.

Not this trip, big boy.

But I'll keep you in mind.

Bye, Tina. Don't let him work you too hard,

if you know what I mean.

Don't look now, but you're stepping on your tongue!

- What do you mean? - "Maybe we could work something out."

That's just business talk, baby!

- Just business talk! - Don't you ever touch me again.

Come on. Gimme a break, will ya, huh?

Daughter of an Italian fisherman...

Her second husband got a meat cleaver right between the eyes?

This woman is a major psycho.

My Lois isn't. She could never...

Oops. It slipped.

I'm sorry, poopy. I almost took your ear off.

Lemme kiss it and make it all better.

Lois, I thought you had to work tonight.

- I quit. - You quit?

Come on, honey.

Let's celebrate.

Lois, a-all these knives?

I don't know, Herbert. I woke up this morning,

and I had this incredible urge to go out and buy cutlery.

Aren't they beautiful?

Ta-da.

Herbie, I'm making up a special, sexy dinner tonight.

Sliced steak, scallions, red peppers and...

hot sauce, Herbie.

No, no, no! No-No passion. No kissing.

I mean, what's the rush?

I wouldn't want you to get tired of having me around.

Oh, don't be a goose, Herbert. I could never grow tired of you.

I adore you.

Sure, like your other husbands.

What other husbands, dearest?

Huh? I didn't say "other husbands."

I said, "I'd sure like some Hubbard squash."

We're having zucchini tonight.

Mmm.

Listen, Lois, take the ring off and give it to me.

You know what I forgot?

A special inscription.

Um, "To Lois with all my love, Herbert."

All that wouldn't fit on a ring, Herbie.

Then just "Love, Herbert" and the date.

Come on. Give it to me. The guy's waiting for it.

Herbert, I don't need an inscription.

I know you gave it to me with love.

And I never, ever want to take it off for as long as I live.

Fine for you, but what about me?

Oh, Herbert, we're gonna have a hot night tonight.

I am going to love you to death!

Oh, Herbie.

Herbie-Werbie.

Oh, my little ripe tomato.

Lover boy.

Lois, stay away from me.

You don't seem to trust me, Herbert.

You know what Mama always said.

Once the trust goes out of a relationship...

- Lois, no, no! - Send 'em to the worm farm!

Lois, Lois, Lois. It's this ring. There's a curse on it.

Put a cork in it!

No. No.

Herbie, remember your wedding vows.

You promised to love, honor and serve...

as a pin cushion!

Lois! No. No. No.

Herbert, you're being a bore about this.

Stay back! No!

Lois, you're speaking Italian!

I'm gonna chop your head off.

Herbie, you're going to make such good steak tartar.

Herbie?

Herbert, what are we doing?

Lolo? Lolo.

Oh.

It's... It's this ring.

I didn't have an anniversary present for you,

so I stole it from the museum.

Look at what I'm wearing.

- Ooh! - Yeah, it's the ring.

It makes you very passionate,

and you wind up killing your mate.

Look at me. Capri slacks!

This is so unlike me.

I feel like I'm someplace exotic...

like... Miami.

Oh, Herbert. Look at my hair. I love it!

It's very beautiful.

Do you really think so?

- I love you. - I love you too, Lolo.

Tickly feathers... and candles.

You think of everything.

Oh, you man.

We don't need this anymore.

Well, hello there.

Mmm. This oughta shut her up.

For me? Really?

Does this mean it's official?

Just gimme your hand.

We're not the only ones having fun tonight, Herb.

The lights are on.

But you're not home.

Your mind is not your own.

Your heart sweats Your body shakes.

Another kiss is what it takes.

You can't sleep No, you can't eat.

There's no doubt you're in deep.

Your shoulder's tight.

You can't breathe.

Another kiss is all you need.

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff.

Oh, yeah

? It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough.

You know you're gonna have to face it.

You're addicted to love.

Well, today is the day, Mr. Beezler.

You get a date for Friday night.

Or you die trying.

Don, Don, let me show you a thing or two about fashion!

Okay. Wait. Something's missing.

Um, ah, white cane-back loafers.

- Anybody home? - Go away!

Ta-da! Five Pepperoni-pluses.

Ah! That'll be 42, even.

Great suspenders. Those leather, right?

Whoa, where'd you get these girls?

Look, I didn't order any pizzas,

especially not at, what, 9:00 in the morning?

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Well, in the first place, this is not number six. It's number 205.

And in the second place, Corona Drive is the next drive over.

Where'd you get this book? How is it? Pretty good?

I only got it yesterday. Look, I really got to get going.

You don't really think you're gonna score in those threads, do you?

Would you please take your pizzas and leave, okay?

What? No tip? I'm just kiddin'. Listen, you keep the pizzas.

They were ordered for some party last night. We got backed up.

Our number's on the box in case you get a crave on.

Ask for me special... Bert. See ya.

Oh, and, hey, loosen up!

"The College Men's Guide to Picking Up Women Rule 29.

Living facilities.

There are millions of gorgeous, eager women out there...

just waiting for you, you big lug.

"But, unfortunately, they are out there so, whatever you do, never..."

Charley horse! Charley horse!

"Never, and we mean never..."

Please massage my calf, Phil.

"Never date the house mother's daughter." Bye, Angela.

Bye, Phil.

Ay, Chihuahua.

That's it.

Ah, the direct approach. Okay.

"Oh, baby. I love you more than I love my-my folks."

How'd you like open-heart surgery... with a spoon?

- Hey, is this Willoughby and Fourth? - No, it's Tenth and Main.

Thank you.

Okay, uh, the subtle approach.

"At the Laundromat." "Sporting Event."

Uh, "Drug Store." Okay.

- I'm a photographer. - And I'm a cashier.

You know, if you'd let me shoot you,

I could probably get you in one of these magazines.

If I could shoot you, I'd get a medal. Five out of 20.

Keep the change.

Okay, "Chapter Eight.

The Intellectual Approach."

"Creative Writing." No, that's not it.

Uh, "Physical Sciences." Okay.

Um...

I have got...

a periodic chart of all the elements stenciled on my ceiling.

It's huge.

You wanna come over and, uh, read it?

No.

Okay.

- Oh. - What...

Ah, ah, ah, darn.

What are you? Punishment for something I did in a former life?

Oh, you jerk! I can't believe I have you for a lab...

What are you doing Friday night?

Washing my hair... all night long.

Where did that come from?

That's a shar-pei.

It's... That's one of the rarest breeds in the world.

- Here, it's yours. - Thank you, Phil.

So, uh, what do you think? You wanna go out with me Friday night?

I'd rather have a root canal.

Isn't he adorable?

Thank you, sir!

Hey, what the... What are you doing?

I'm gonna rip your face off, Beezler!

Gimme my stuff back, moron.

Mr. Beezler, the class is not over.

Yet.

Oh, Phil! Please help me! I was looking for a quarter I dropped and my arm...

got caught somehow.

Thanks for nothin'. Now I've got something that really works!

Are you in there? I know you're in there.

Ah, hello, Miss Autumn, you doll, you.

How are you today? No, ah, don't answer that.

Yes, all right.

Come on.

Whoa.

Come on. Come on! You worked on an ugly dog.

Please work on a beautiful woman.

Hello?

Phil? It's Angela.

Are you okay? I heard a crash.

Listen, Angela. I'm fine, okay?

- Are you sure you're fine? - Yes, I'm sure, Angela.

Kiss me, and I can be yours forever.

Phil? Did you say...

Kiss me, and I can be yours forever.

Come on and kiss me.

Please.

Oh, no, I used too much.

Come on!

Kiss me. Please?

Kiss me.

Come on. Kiss me.

Um...

Kiss me, please.

Ow.

Kiss me.

Come here!

Aah! Aah!

Ow! Aah!

Kiss me. Kiss me!

Kiss me!

Let me in!

- Let me in! - What's the rush?

Please! Uh, no!

Hurry!

- Hurry! I'm starting to melt! - Melt?

- Hurry! - Melt?

I'm melting!

I always wanted a woman to melt in my arms.

But this is too much.

Oh, n...

No. No.

What if I used a little less this time?

No.

Come on. Oops.

Okay. Come on, come on, come on.

There. A little dab will do ya.

Not too much.

Phil? Phil, are you all right in there?

Yes! Go away!

No. Look, Phil. Open this door now!

I said, go away!

Phil, open up! Come on. Open up.

- What is it? - I heard another crash. Are you sure you're okay?

- Yes. I just dropped my... bed. - Your what?

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

- Kiss me, and I'm yours forever. - No!

No, thank you.

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

Not enough! I didn't use enough.

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever!

Don't touch me!

Tear up some furniture. Just don't... touch me!

- Just kiss me once. - No!

I have a... headache.

Just one kiss. Oh, come on.

Hurry! You hurry up!

- I'm melting! - Hurry up and melt already.

Oh, boy.

He sure must know how to show a girl a good time.

That does it!

Operator, get me the police!

Please work this time.

This one's gonna work. Third time's the charm, they say.

Come on.

Go away!

No. There are two policemen here.

They just want to know if you're torturing anyone in there. Are you?

What?

Come on, Beezler. We know you got a girl in there.

- Open up. We're comin' through. - We mean it.

- Open up. - Back away.

Come on! Hey!

Get it open. We're not playing around.

Don't make it hard on yourself, Beezler.

- Let's go! - We're comin' in.'

Get ready. Here we go. One, two...

Freeze!

- Where's the girl? - Girl? Uh...

The one that the neighbors heard screaming! The one that I heard say...

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

Has this guy been torturing you?

Mm-hmm, has he ever!

- Let's go, Larry. - B-B-But...

- Come on, young lady. Let's leave 'em alone. - Phil!

- I did it right! - You sure did, kid.

Kiss me.

Kiss me.

Kiss me, kiss me.

Kiss me.

No! No, no, no, no, no!

- Not again! Not again. - That book of his paid off, huh?

I don't even want to talk about it.

No, no, no!

I-It's...

It's almost gone.

There's almost...

none left.

Almost none at all.

Not too much.

Not too little.

This one just has to work.

That's all there is to it. It just has to.

Please. Please, please, please, please, please.

Lose it on the hips and gain it to your chest.

Here's the last of our five-point questions.

Ladies, what's the one thing the two of you try not to talk about...

- Please, please, please, please, please, please. - - Phil, let us in!

- Hey, you okay there, dude? - Phil, open up!

Hey, Phil, come on. Open up.

- Open this door now! - What's goin' on?

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

- Kiss me, and I'm yours... - Oh, yeah!

Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Kiss me, and I'm yours forever.

My dress is by... Where is she?

My nail polish, glorious apple by Tinta-fe.

And my jewelry is designed by Philip Cassus of Monte Carlo.

I'm sorry. I-I thought you meant me in there.

What. You?

In there? That was... That was you?

What are you doing Friday night?

Uh, I-I think I'm free. I don't know.

Ready, Grandpa?

Okay, kiddo, melt my mitt!

I'm tryin', Grandpa.

I know you are, pal.

Hey, Marky. Marky.

Come on out and play. We need someone for left field.

- Later. - Hey, Eddie, forget him.

What a wimp.

Go play with your friends there, pal.

I can pick you up later.

Grandpa, they only want me when they're short a man.

They think I'm a joke.

Besides, today's Saturday.

Saturday's our day.

Watch out now. Fastball.

Ooh!

Broke some bones on that one.

Throw me your famous Chinese dipsy-doodle.

The ol' Chinese dipsy-doodle?

Okay.

Activate your radar.

Here it comes.

Good catch!

Now you're kickin' butt, Elvis!

Want a cigar, Elvis?

Right, right. I keep forgettin' you don't smoke.

You've really been to China, Grandpa?

Which time you want me to tell you about?

Time the called me in there to give the emperor boxing lessons?

Are you making this up?

If I was, how do you explain me having that rare Ming talisman?

And the magic spell.

The spell? It's really from China?

Ah, so.

Secret ceremony,

incense, gong.

Colored smoke everywhere.

The Emperor Ming gave me the spell...

and told me to watch out for it real special.

That's real magic.

You protect it.

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

Whoo!

How you doin', Elvis? Ridin' high?

Ya-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Mona's really wailin' now.

Come on, old buddy.

- Good ride, huh? - I was just about to come lookin' for you two.

Dinner's almost ready.

Good. We're here and hungry.

Marky, why don't you go on inside and get cleaned up.

Well, what's on your mind, Son?

If you don't want me stayin' here anymore, just say so.

Never wanna be where I ain't welcome.

I'm glad you're with us, Dad. Dorothy is too.

The point is,

you gotta start taking care of yourself and slow down.

No problem.

You got your ship shank, your fisherman's loop, your cow hitch,

and, of course, your Portuguese bowline.

That's when you want to lift someone up...

and not squeeze all the air out of 'em.

I taught Houdini how to use it for one of his tricks.

- Who? - Houdini.

Number one magician in the world...

with my help.

Hey, kid, you still haven't showed the old sea captain...

how to do your square knot.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Perfect!

You can be my first mate any time.

Come on, pal. Let's go down and watch the ships come in.

I'll race you below.

Grandpa.

Mom, Dad!

It's Grandpa!

I... I'm fine. Don't sweat it.

Small potatoes, Elvis.

I'll get the doctor.

Grandpa?

Grandpa, I got an idea.

A way for you to be able to go out on Saturdays and play.

If we concentrate real hard...

and use the talisman and the spell from China,

we can change bodies.

You're a sweet boy, Marky. Grandpa loves you.

Grandpa, that way, every Saturday until you feel good again,

you can have my body.

I'll stay in bed inside your body. No one will know.

But you'll have to be home before dark...

'cause you know how Mom and Dad worry.

I wish we could do that.

We can, Grandpa. We can.

You always say if we believe in something, it'll happen.

Let's do it now.

It's not that simple, pal.

Yes, it is.

I will be you and you will be me.

Please.

I will be you and you will be me.

I will be you and you will be me.

- What's happening? - It's the spell, Grandpa... it's working.

I will be you and you will be me.

Oh, wow.

- Marky? - Oh, boy.

This is real magic.

Grandpa, yes.

I will be you, Grandpa, and you will be me.

Now you're kickin' butt, Elvis!

Whoa, Mona!

Bullwinkle found himself directly in front of the bank...

just as the holdup went into full swing.

My, the mosquitoes are out early this year.

I had better take a cab.

Mistaking the getaway car for a taxi...

- Dad? - and his getaway-minded mob...

Uh... Uh...

I'm going downstairs for a little while.

I'm gonna make you some bouillon for dinner.

Bouillon.

Ugh!

Don't worry, Gramp. I'll get you some real food.

When your dad finds out about this, you're dead meat.

- Anybody want a cigar? - Are you kidding?

Then let's play ball, boys.

You heard me. Let's kick some butt.

Grandpa, you don't feel so good.

Let's go. Come on.

All right, Marky, you take left field.

I'm pitchin'.

The little shrimp thinks he can run a baseball team.

I'll show 'im.

All right, show us what you got, hotshot!

All right, let's play ball!

Aw, Marky, you'll be lucky if you can get it over the plate.

- Strike! - Way to go, Marky!

All right!

Strike!

Strike!

All right, Marky!

Strike!

Strike!

Strike three! You're outta there!

Well, way to go, Marky.

All right, Marky! Come on!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Mom!

- Mom? - What is it, Dad?

I'm not your dad.

Mom, I gotta tell you something.

What?

"I will be you and you will be me."

Why did you do it?

I only did it because I love Grandpa, Ma.

I wanted him to be able to play again.

But if something happens...

and his heart doesn't work anymore,

I think that means I'll die inside of him.

Please believe me.

Where did he go, sweetheart?

To the ball field.

Grandpa promised me he'd be back before dark.

- Mom? - Okay.

I'll go find him. You just rest.

Grandpa,

you promised you'd be back before dark.

Grandpa, please!

Hey, Mrs. Blaine.

Where did your son learn to pitch like that?

I mean, he threw pitches that were amazing.

They did this and they did loops.

- And the way he rode in on that motorcycle... - Where is he?

Oh, he got on. He just rode off. He rode off that way.

Oh, man, your kid is cool.

How you doin', Dad?

Tell you what.

Let's take a ride down to the hospital.

No!

What are you gonna do, make me carry you?

You don't understand. I'm not Grandpa. I'm Marky.

Come on, Dad.

Marky!

- Marky! - Here!

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

Honey, I'm gonna get you out.

You're gonna be fine, Dad. Just relax.

I'm not your dad. I'm your son.

Wait. I've got something to tell you.

What?

Marky?

I'm sorry I did this to you, Grandpa.

I'll tell you what you did, kiddo.

You gave me the greatest day of my life.

Really?

It was the best.

What are we gonna do now, Grandpa?

I will be you and you will be me.

I will be you and you will be me.

I will be you and you will be me.

Hi, Grandpa.

Gotcha, Elvis.

Marky?

Some friends are downstairs to see you.

You know, Marky,

your grandpa was a wonderful man...

and we're all gonna miss him very much,

but if he was here, he'd be the first to tell you...

you can't spend your life moping.

You gotta get on and live life... hard...

with everything you got.

Yep. That's what Grandpa'd say.

And you know,

I think he's right.

Come on.

Boy, you were outrageous, Marky.

Radical, man. Really radical.

You're tellin' me. Too much.

Unbelievable, Marky.

Why didn't you tell us before, man?

- What are you talking about, Eddie? - I love this guy.

All I want to know is, where did you learn to play ball like that?

You... You were incredible!

You mean like last time?

Yeah.

Glad you asked, pal.

You guys ever hear about the old guy who lives in China called Emperor Ming?

Uh-uh. No.

Personal friend of mine.

- Oh, wow! - Wow.

Now you're kicking butt, Elvis!

Well, the mattress is soft.

And there's hangers in the closet,

and stationery with "Bates Motel" printed on it...

in case you want to make your friends back home feel envious.

And the, uh...

- Over there. - The bathroom.

Yeah.

Well, if you want anything,

just... just tap on the wall.

- I'll be in the office. - Thank you, Mr. Bates.

Norman Bates.

Go tell her...

she will not be appeasing her ugly appetites with my son.

Or do I have to tell her 'cause you don't have the guts?

Huh, boy? You have the guts, boy?

Shut up! Shut up!

Do you go out with friends?

Well, a boy's best friend is his mother.

Why can't you use a clock radio like normal people?

Aaah!

You know, one of these days, Harry,

you're gonna scare yourself to death.

Think about it.

Brad, stop that. Brad.

Brad?

What was that sound?

Just my heart beating with love for you, Helen.

No, I'm serious. I heard something.

Over there, behind that... tombstone.

Wait a second.

I'll go look.

Brad? Brad?

I hate you! Get away from me!

Come on! It's just me.

Give it. Give it to me.

Give it... You're so mean.

Give me my bag.

They were trendy, they were shallow...

and they partied beyond the grave.

They were...?

Fraternity of the Undead!

And she loved it.

Harry, don't forget to put the lid on tight.

Something's been getting into the trash.

Right, Mom.

Um, are you dudes, like, also really into Putt-Putt?

Hey, say, aren't fraternities great?

The association of men bound together...

by common ideals and aspirations...

And out of that association...

arises a close, personal relationship...

which makes them unselfishly seek...

to advance one another in the arts of life,

like alcohol and substance abuse.

Did you hear me?

Mary Dena's gonna go with Kevin Richards.

Oh! He is so hot!

- Hey, Har, how about shooting some hoops later? - I'm going to the movies.

Surprise.

Harry, only molds grow in the dark.

You gotta get some sun.

Get out. Work your body and develop yourself.

No girl's gonna wanna be seen with a half-baked loser wimp.

This dance is for the entire school,

- isn't it, Holly? - Mm-hmm.

Why don't you take some nice girl to the dance, Harry?

Oh, please.

The last time, all he talked about...

was being cloned from alien seed pods.

That's better than bowling and miniature golf.

Let's face facts.

Harry is a closet sociopath.

And I think it's time we all admitted that to ourselves,

and put Harry in an institution.

Honey, taste this. I think it's bad.

Mom! No!

Oh, Honey. It was bad.

Harry, you saved me.

That is the most selfless thing I have ever seen.

Gosh, Harry. We were wrong about you.

You're not a geek at all.

This you want to send to a homecoming dance?

Thomas, talk to your son.

Harry...

you stay up all night watching movies, and then you sleep all day.

We're concerned, Harry,

that you're losing the boundary between reality and fiction.

Dad, the boundary between reality and fiction is here.

No, Harry! Potatoes are not up here.

Houses are not up here. Families are not up here.

They're real. Life is real, Harry.

Your mind is so hopelessly warped with fiction...

that life is just a station break to you now.

Sixty seconds to go grab a sandwich, and back into oblivion.

And you're getting worse.

- I'll get it. - Don't you move a muscle.

Okay. Nothing juicy till I get back.

Kate Bergman called today...

at 11:00, 1:15, and 4:07 p.m.

11:00? Are you sure?

Why don't you call her, Harry?

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything.

It's Kate Bergman... for Harry.

Um, were you eating?

No.

Harry, um, I didn't want to bother you.

I called a couple of times, but I guess you were busy.

You called?

My mom...

She never writes anything down.

Yeah, well, I'm having this party on Friday night,

and...

I was hoping you could come.

No.

- No? - I mean, uh, I can't.

I'm... I'm busy.

I'm... getting braces.

Braces, really? But your teeth are beautiful.

It was a football injury.

Do you play football?

No, I watch it.

Is it your birthday or something?

- You knew? - Call it a feeling.

I'm sorry you don't have time to stay.

Don't I?

Do you?

No, I suppose I don't.

I'm sorry.

Happy birthday, Kate.

Happy braces, Harry.

You are a total dipstick, Harry.

She likes you.

It all feels so outta control sometimes.

I don't know how anything's gonna turn out.

Life ain't a movie, Harry.

I mean, you know, you can never be sure how it's gonna go.

Imagine what it would be like if we all knew...

exactly what was going to happen to us, Harry.

Better to live and learn, and write your own happy ending.

Well, maybe I don't want what you want.

Maybe I don't want kids and bills and a boring job...

and the same thing day after day after day!

Maybe I want my life to be different.

I want adventure, and nothing's going to keep me from it.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the movies!

Please, God,

why can't life be as good as a movie?

Just once, why can't it be as good?

One, please.

- Why? - Excuse me?

When was this place remodeled?

I'd thought this theater was closed.

I guess I was mistaken.

What the hell?

This can't be happening.

Harry, wake up. It's just a movie.

Wake up, Harry.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

I-It's what's-her-name's dress...

the shower lady.

"Marion Crane."

Norman Bates chops her into taco filling in the shower,

and this is her dress,

and what am I doing in it?

Aaah!

Do you understand, boy?

Go on. Go tell her...

she will not be appeasing her ugly appetites with my food or my son!

Or do I have to tell her 'cause you don't have the guts?

Huh, boy? You have the guts, boy?

Shut up! Shut up!

Come on!

Oh, no.

Norman!

No, N-Norman!

Norman, it's your mother... She's made you crazy!

Norman... Norman, don't do this.

Please, God, I take it back.

I don't want a movie.

I don't want to know what'll happen in life.

I'll never ask. I'll never even wonder.

Please, I don't want a movie.

No!

Please, I take it back!

I take it back! I take it back! Oh, please, God!

Oh! Ow!

I'm back. I'm back. I'm back! I'm ba...

Thank you! Thank you!

Kate!

Kate!

Hi.

- Hello, Harry. - Hi.

- D�j� vu. - Honey, what is it?

Oh, it's okay, Mom. It's only Harry.

I'm sorry I don't have time to stay.

Bye, Harry.

Kate. Kate.

A-Are you busy tonight?

Tonight?

Harry, it's 9:30.

Oh.

Tomorrow?

- Why? - I don't know.

I thought we might... play some miniature golf.

Miniature golf?

I love miniature golf.

- Ha-Have you ever been to... - Putt-Putt?

- Yes! I have! - Do you know the putt with the volcano?

- The volcano! I know. - I got a hole in one on the volcano last week.

- My best friend and I can never do it... - I'll take you.

- Jackie. Never. Never. - We will do it tomorrow.

- No way! - We will get a hole in one. I can do it.

You stand there for hours trying to get that one...

Mom! Mom!

Mom! Mom!

Hey. Hey.

Who are you?

Melinda. Jonathan.

Melinda! Jonathan.

- Hey! - Jonathan.

Melinda! Jonathan.

- What happened? - Melinda! Jonathan!

It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

How horrid. Somebody tell me what happened.

Oh, my Lord.

- Please. - Please.

It was in the middle of the runway.

- I had to take off. - Hey! What? What happened?

It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

- Who are you? - It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

Once upon a time, there were three...

Once upon a time, there were three...

Once upon a time, there were three...

Once upon a time, there were three...

Once upon a time, there were three...

Once upon a time, there were three... Once upon a time...

Airport.

Yeah, uh, how many more flights you have left tonight?

- Comin' or goin'? - Either one.

Um, just a red-eye to Dallas at 2:11, sir.

What's the flight?

It's a Pan West 601.

Thanks.

Earl.

What's the matter?

I, uh... I had a bad dream.

What do you expect? You eat peaches with pizza.

It was so real.

Take a bromide.

Where're you going?

I have to check on something.

- Earl, it's 1:00 a.m.! - I know.

Earl!

It's important, Nancy. I think.

The white zone is for loading...

and unloading of passengers only.

No parking.

How you doin'? That's two bits.

Can't sleep, huh?

Yeah, I know the feelin'. That's why I took this job.

Oh, that's terrible, isn't it?

That's crash number two, you know.

They come in threes.

Boy, after that 747 went down last week,

I wouldn't fly right now if you paid me.

Watch it, dirtbag.

Once upon a time,

there were three little pigs,

and they all decided to build their own houses.

The first one built his house out of straw.

The second one built his house out of sticks.

And the third one built his house out of bricks.

Then one day, the Big Bad Wolf came along...

to the first little pig's house and said, "Let me in."

Ladies and gentlemen, at this time we are ready to begin pre-boarding...

of Flight 601 to Dallas/Fort Worth.

We will begin with passengers accompanying small children...

and those requiring special assis...

Excuse me.

Listen, I know this sounds weird,

but you gotta stop this flight.

- What? - You can't let this plane take off.

There's some danger involved.

Uh, I happen to know that...

Well, there's going to be an accident,

a sort of mishap.

I'm fairly certain, you see,

certain that Flight 601 is going to crash.

I see.

Why don't you step over there for just a minute?

And I'll get a representative to help you.

Code six, Gate 123.

Don't do that.

Look, I'm not crazy.

Please, just delay the flight until I can explain to someone in authority.

Someone in authority, huh? Going right to the top?

That coat was in my dream!

And you were, and so were you!

Was I?

- No. - Good.

But that doesn't mean you weren't there!

Sir, may I see your boarding pass, please?

Listen to me, please. Just delay the flight!

It's already been delayed, buddy.

Ladies and gentlemen, at this time...

we'd like to continue boarding beginning with rows ten...

Don't board this plane! You're all in danger!

You gotta believe me! You gotta believe me!

- You the mystic? - Officer, this airplane...

is going to crash and explode.

Oh, really? Why?

I-I don't know.

I just saw it in a dream.

I keep having this dream about Morgan Fairchild.

She comes over to my house for a nightcap.

So far, she's a no-show,

but that doesn't mean I go knockin' on her door in L.A...

and say how come?

Hey. Don't make it hard on yourself now.

Come on.

Please don't! Don't get on that plane!

Somebody listen to me, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to apologize for the interruption...

and assure you that there's absolutely nothing wrong with the aircraft.

Would you please continue to board at this time?

Thank you.

I hate flying.

- Come on. - Come on. Why don't you believe me?

I-I... Call my wife. She'll vouch for me.

You can call your wife when you get to the station.

If you had a premonition about a plane crashing into your house,

and you went to the airport and saw those very same people...

who were ghosts in your dream getting on that plane, what would you do?

I'd move.

- Hey, I like that one! - You know Napoleon too?

- Oh! - Have you ever met Napoleon?

- Let's get this guy up there. - Why don't you just step up there?

Why don't you believe me?

If a plane's gonna crash, that's fate, pal.

And there ain't nothin' you can do about it.

- Boy, this guy's a trip. - Behave.

So, look, anyway, she says "Why don't you come in for a minute?"

I said, "I can't. I'm on duty," so she said...

- Hey, that guy's drunk! - Huh?

The pilot of that little plane... I saw him up in the terminal. He's been drinking!

- You got no room to talk. - Come on! Aren't you gonna stop him?

- Settle down. - He's drunk! He's gonna cause an accident!

That ain't our department, Safety Sam.

Boy, he's gettin' on my nerves.

Comanche 7667 Yankee cleared to the Waco VORTAC.

November 457, pull short intersection Foxtrot.

Ladies and gentlemen, please extinguish your cigarettes.

Make sure your seat backs are in the upright position and fasten your safety...

Come on. Let's go.

Contact to ground. 121...

It was in the middle of the runway.

I had to take off.

The best shooter I've seen since Jerry West.

Hey!

Con West heavy, your traffic a high-wing.

Three-mile final.

1-E 20.5.

November 173, taxi into position and hold.

Go!

Pan West heavy, cleared for take-off.

Roger, Pan West heavy, rolling.

173, do not take off. That heavy hasn't cleared yet.

Come on!

173, acknowledge.

Come on!

- Oh, God! - No!

Tower, this is Pan West heavy.

Sorry, Pan West. That one got away from us.

Pin a medal on that guy in the van.

It was gonna crash.

You gotta believe me!

I do.

Bobby!

Bobby, you ready for school?

- Yeah, Mom. - Now...

Now I'm going to be doing the big cleanup in here I promised today, okay?

Sure, Mom. Just don't throw out any stuff that's neat.

I hardly think anything in this room...

could be described as neat.

Now here. See what I mean?

You've outgrown most of this silly stuff.

You're getting too old for The Poky Little Puppy.

- But, Mom... - Oh, come on now.

- I like The Poky Little Puppy. - Now look here.

You remember when you were only this high?

- Now look how big you are. - Mmm.

You don't need all these baby things anymore.

- Hmm? - Mm-hmm.

Come along now.

- You're gonna be late for school. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

Oh, Bobby.

You really have outgrown this stuff.

Damn it.

Jennifer.

- Darling, what is it? - They've caught him...

the man who ruined Daphne's life is in jail.

Oh, thank heaven, after all these months.

Well, Jack, who is it?

You just better sit down, Jen.

Prepare yourself for a shock.

I still can't believe it myself.

How could we have all been so blind?

You mean it's someone from right here in Centerville?

No one had any idea.

Who'd have guessed it would be someone we all knew,

and someone who we saw every day?

Jack, tell me. How can you play with me like this?

The father of Daphne's baby is the same man who shot Reverend McKinley...

and poisoned Billy's dog.

You mean... That's right.

The man we've all been looking for is...

Great.

Don't be such a coward, Butch.

It's just a little storm... little rain, some thunder.

The power will be back in a moment,

and everything will be just fine.

Just...

fine.

We're sorry. We can't complete your call as dialed.

Please check the number and dial again,

or call your operator for assistance.

Ugh!

Er?

Hey!

Don't do that!

Ooh.

Hey. Hey.

Do you want this? Hmm?

You want it? Yummy. Yummy. Mmm!

Yeah. Yummy.

- Good. - It's gonna taste good.

Mmm. Yeah.

Go for it!

Stay!

Don't you move. I mean it. Stay!

- Fred! - What a storm, eh, Mrs. Simmons?

- Yeah. - It's not a fit day for man or beast.

- Rainin' cats and dogs. - Yeah, and other things too, Fred.

- Fred... - Here's your cookbook from France.

- I couldn't help noticing. - Oh. Thanks.

Though why anybody would wanna cook frog legs in cherry sauce is beyond me.

There is something in my kitchen.

I-I can't quite figure out what it is.

Something the cat dragged in?

We used to have a cat would bring us a dead rat every week,

bring it up on the porch like it was present or something.

No, the cat didn't bring this in. It's...

It's... I don't know exactly what it is.

It-It's some kind of exotic animal, but...

- Like from Borneo, or somethin'? - I don't know.

But please, come in and see for yourself.

Sure. Okay. Lead the way.

Through here.

Uh, this, uh... This thing isn't dangerous, or anything, is it?

I don't think so.

I thought so, but I don't know.

I-I... No, I...

Oh, boy.

What am I gonna do, Fred? Gee, Mrs. Simmons.

Guess I'd keep the big guy on a leash, myself.

Maybe get him some of those doggie downers. There's obedience school.

They got a place called Wodehouse or something like that. Works pretty good.

'Cause if this all keeps up, you may want to,

you know, put him to sleep.

Only as a last resort, of course.

- It's man's best friend. - No! Not Butch.

It was huge and pink.

- Pink? - No, purple. Purple!

Purple. Sure.

It crashed through that door and ate everything.

It was just huge and purple.

God, it's so hard to explain.

I mean, i-it...

Fred, no!

Fred, don't go!

You didn't see it!

Get him a Valium, Mrs. Simmons.

Take a couple yourself.

Fred!

Fred! You didn't see it, Fred.

Oh, God.

Ohh.

Go.

John! The monster... He's got her.

Oh!

Romantic, and, for the first time,

affordable!

That's right, our boss told us to shatter those prices,

and that's exactly what we're doing...

in Lamps Galore at locations all across the tristate area.

Elegant lighting at the lowest prices in history.

But that's not all. Try before you buy, and qualify for one of the following:

Butch and Buddy, a matched set of snapping turtles,

or a lifetime supply of chandelier bulbs.

Come by one of our 32 locations today.

- Lamps Galore is a... - No!

Right.

I've got something for you, big fella.

Nummy, nummy, nummy!

Yeah! Want it? Mmm!

Come on. Mmm!

Mmm! Nummy, nummy, nummy.

Nummy, nummy, nummy. Here. Yeah.

Yeah. That's it. Come on.

Come on, boy. That's it.

Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Come on.

Look at these lovely, lovely bulbs.

Mmm!

Come on. Come on.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait a minute.

Okay.

That's it. There you go. That's it.

Get in!

In!

The dump is just a couple more miles.

You can romp...

you can play and eat all you want out there.

This is the end of the line for you.

Look at all this good stuff!

Eh? You can eat yourself sick.

Don't give me that big cow-eyed routine.

Out!

I mean it.

Hey. Look what mama's got for you.

Hey. Look.

Isn't it beautiful?

Come on.

Come on.

You can do it.

That's it. Good.

Yeah. There we go. There.

Come on, boy.

Here. Yeah.

That's it.

Right. Yeah. You want that?

Okay.

Okay! Yeah. Great idea.

Here's a... Here's a... one of these things. Look.

This is great. The light.

How about this? You want this?

There's a couple of spanners here. Great.

And a duck. Look at the duck!

Great duck. Yeah.

Look! Look at that. Japanese lantern.

What's that?

Oh!

It's for your own good, fella.

Maybe you'll find a pretty girl... whatever-you-are,

and have a bunch of little baby...

things.

Bye now! Don't eat too much.

Mmm. Not a picky eater.

Aaah!

Oh!

Ugh! Ugh.

Ugh.

Now just stop that!

Don't even think about it.

That does it!

I just want to scare you.

I just can't have you here anymore.

Don't be scared.

I wasn't going to pull the trigger.

I wouldn't do that to you.

Oh, don't cry.

Ohh. Oh, you poor thing.

Um, here. Let me get you something.

Oh. Here.

You come with me. Come on.

Okay, Butch, out you go now. Out you go.

There.

Come on. All right.

You sit here in Butch's basket.

There. Nice and comfy.

There.

Here you are.

I'll go get you a nice surprise.

You stay right there.

I'll go get you a nice bowl of broken glass.

Maybe you should stay with us for a while.

I mean,

what if some hunter found you?

Then where would you be?

On a wall over somebody's gas fireplace, that's where.

Oh! I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

You poor thing.

You just need a friend, don't you?

Yeah.

Bobby.

Oh! Stay here.

Bobby would just love to meet you.

Bobby.

Well, at least you didn't throw out my tapes.

Where'd you hide all the neat stuff?

- There's something that I've just got to show you. - Where are my books?

You make me watch Sesame Street, and you throw out my books?

Bobby, don't worry about that now.

- The garbage! - Bobby, wait.

Bobby. Bobby, forget about all this.

You got egg goop all over my Greibble!

I've got something wonderful to show you, something absolutely...

Hey!

Oh, it's my Indian headdress.

My first bunny!

My tiger!

Why'd you throw this away?

I've been looking for all this stuff.

My caboose.

Oh, here's my balloon mask.

Part of my gum-ball machine. I've been missing it.

I can't believe you threw these away.

Do you like The Greibble?

Yeah.

Yes, I like The Greibble.

Um, is there an... "H"?

Yes, there's an "H."

There's an "H" right here. Good. There you go.

"C," "R," "M," "E," and...

"P" "S," "H," "N," "T."

- Mm-hmm. - Um, hmm.

"Crme and Pshnt."

- No. - Shoot. Uh...

Come on now. Try it again.

Chrome and "passion-ment!" I don't know.

Come on, Bradshaw! It's Crime and Punishment!

- It's a book! - I don't read no books.

- What do they teach you in school? - Pledge Allegiance.

Reception, this is tower.

Inmate coining in. Petersen, Eric David.

Number 49292.

One State Marshal escort accompanying.

- Roger, Tower, we copy. - Petersen's back.

Hi, guys. That road's just about gone!

- Got one coming home. - Not for long.

Hey, Petersen!

I guess that little heart-to-heart you had...

with the governor didn't cut much ice.

Well, it's good to see we finally got a governor...

who ain't gonna let a killer get off without paying in full.

Knock it off, Bradshaw.

All right. It's after 11:00. The Row's locked down for the night.

We're gonna have to put you in D-Unit till morning.

Here.

Come on in.

What'd he do, anyway?

Well, hell, he's the guy that did that armored-car holdup couple years back.

The one where that guard got wasted.

- Well, tomorrow'll be his turn. - Yep.

Is there anybody you want me to contact? Anybody you want to see?

Can I call somebody for you?

Look, just shut up and leave me alone.

Tomorrow night, they pull the switch. I'm gone.

And the world keeps spinning.

Everybody's life means something.

Yeah? Well, mine never did.

Donnelly?

Well, lookee here.

Now that's a single room, right, Mr. Petersen?

For one night.

Come on, Petersen! Go for it!

Open it.

Sleep tight.

Hurry.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Who the hell are you? - I'm with you.

Just keep your mouth shut.

Come on. Hurry!

Come on. Come on!

- Come on! Get! - Go! Go!

Damn lightning!

Go! Go!

Go! Go!

- Come on, guys. - Go! Go! Go!

All are sedated, and most have only superficial wounds.

But Fowler has multiple gunshot wounds to the abdomen.

I've stabilized him as much as possible.

Without emergency surgery, my guess is he's gonna be gone in 30 minutes.

- Help. - Hey. Hey, cool it, man.

Hey, what are you... Hey, lay down!

- Hey, hey. - Man, wha...

Hey, hey. Lay down.

Lay down.

Wha... Wha...

- Petersen! - Huh?

What happened here?

- What did you do? - I... I don't know.

Don't know? What do you mean? What do you mean you don't know?

- I don't know! - What the...

There's no pain.

There's no pain. There's no pain in my leg.

What did you do?

There's no pain in my leg!

I didn't do nothing.

- You fixed it! - I swear I didn't.

I didn't do nothin'.

Now listen. He pressed his hands against Fowler's body,

and there was this charge of electricity... of-of energy.

In a few seconds, the man was healed!

I'm telling you. His... His guts were falling out...

and Petersen put him back together.

You saw him, Doc! Right?

I mean... I mean, look at him!

And look at me.

Twenty years with a hunk of shrapnel...

twisted in the muscles of this leg...

and now it's gone.

He fixed my leg!

- Meadows, I'm glad you think you feel better. - I don't just think!

But your claim that this man heals with a touch...

It's not just a claim.

Here, watch. Come over here.

Here.

Hi, Johnny. How's the arthritis today?

It's bad. Hurts like hell most of the time.

Petersen, come on.

No. No.

I... I don't understand what's going on.

But I am not gonna put on a show for him!

You are not gonna change your mind about me.

Look, God or devil,

I didn't ask to be able to do this.

I just want... I just want to go back to my cell...

and be left alone until my time tomorrow.

Don't do it to show him.

Do it to help Johnny.

Good God, man, if you can stop this pain,

please, stop the hurting.

You can help him. Come on.

Come on. You can help him. You have to help him.

That's it.

My hands! Look at my hands!

I got new hands!

I got new hands! Look at my hands!

Look at my hands!

Warden, the man's touch can heal.

You saw it for yourself.

He may've taken a life four years ago, but now he can give life.

You can't let him die.

You've got to call the governor.

Come on, brother! Heal me, man!

- Petersen! Come on! - Come on! Touch me, man!

- Got to help me, man. - What do they want from me?

I just wish they'd leave me alone.

Leave you alone? They can't leave you alone.

Not now. You have a gift.

Life is just full of surprises. That's all.

Why? Why me? Why now?

I don't have an answer for that one.

I mean this... this... this power belongs with someone on the outside,

not somebody in here waitin' to die.

You know, maybe...

Maybe you're not supposed to go around healing the whole world.

Just help as many as you can.

What? These guys?

You saw the look on Johnny's face when you touched him,

when you took away the pain.

Yeah, and what good is it gonna do him?

Do as much as you can for the others in the time you have.

Just take away the pain.

Petersen, Warden wants to see you.

Sit down.

We both know since you've arrived here,

that I've done everything in my power...

to block commutation of your sentence.

I've spoken against you...

both to the prison commission and the governor.

You see, I believe in capital punishment.

That hasn't changed.

I'll be honest with you.

I don't know if there's anything I can do to help you.

But I'll call the governor today.

I'll even make a statement to the press if I have to.

And I give you my solemn promise...

that I will do everything in the time remaining... to try and save you.

Honey.

This is my daughter. She's six years old.

She's been blind the last four.

Daddy, who's this?

Well, sweetheart, this is, uh...

A friend. I'm a friend of your father's.

My name's Casey. What's yours?

Eric. My name's Eric.

I'll do all that I can, Eric.

I mean, you understand, I can't promise you anything.

It's okay.

It's okay, sweetheart.

Petersen! Petersen!

Just a flash, right here.

- Over here. - Touch me, man.

I appreciate that, Governor.

Yeah. But we're talking about minutes now.

I have statements from ten witnesses who saw it, from beginning to end.

I know. I know.

You know my position on that.

But these are extraordinary circumstances.

"Thou, fool, that which thou sowest is not quickened,

except it die."

What time is it, Father?

11:48.

Twelve minutes.

You've done an awful lot of good today, Eric. A lot of good.

I did, didn't I?

Uh, Eric,

I'm sorry.

It's funny.

All of a sudden, I'm not so, uh,

interested in being alone.

I'm sorry, Petersen.

It's just not fair.

I mean, all the people you could've helped.

It's just not right.

My God!

Hey! Come here! Come here. Come here.

Hurry! Come over here!

Weren't you in the line up this morning? With the arm?

- Yes. - All right.

Touch his arm.

- Come on. - Isn't that...

Yes, he is. Grab his arm.

Come on! Come on!

- Open it up, Donnelly. - What's going on, Meadows?

Open up. Open up the block.

No way, man! Not a chance!

For once in your life, just do something right.

Get hold of him. Touch him.

- Come on, you guys. - What are you talking about?

Just grab a piece. Hold on. That's it. That's it.

Touch him. Come on. Everybody.

You too. Touch.

Just hold him. Touch him.

Everybody.

What the hell is goin' on here?

My God.

What on earth do we do now?

David?

David?

At last you've got it all,

everything I have...

even my life.

But you're not going to live to enjoy it.

Come with me, murderess. Come with me.

Pennsylvania...

the western part of the state, was 32 degrees,

and that's a more realistic reading.

Look out again from North Dakota, South Dakota,

all across Montana, Idaho, northwestern Wyoming...

Look out for snow today.

And some of that will drip on down into northern Utah by tonight.

Here's what's happening in your world this morning.

Take a look. Our graphics department knocked themselves out.

From Billings to Rapid City, look at those temperatures.

Twenty-four degrees in Casper, Wyoming. Nineteen in Billings.

Now these are lows for this evening,

but in the meantime they've already got about 15 or 12 inches of snow...

up in the northern part of the Rockies right now, and more expected.

As you see in the western states...

really, from the Mississippi Valley all the way to the Atlantic coast...

it is clean as a hound dog's tooth.

And a quick birthday wish to Hattie Garrison...

of Montgomery County, Maryland.

She is 105 years old today.

Montgomery County Fair has a big race, only one in America.

Might check that out.

And Hermione Schwartz of Niles, Ohio,

is 100 years old...

Damn it, Peter, you are late for school again.

I swear I don't understand why you can't...

- What? Hello. - set your alarm clock.

Or were you up all night watching television again?

I swear, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times,

11:00 is bedtime.

Now I am fed up with the attendance office calling me at work with...

God.

And another thing, Peter. When are you gonna cut that padlock off your door?

I am sick and tired of having to call you every morning from the kitchen.

This business of you coming and going...

through the bedroom window has got to stop, young man.

I swear I will call a locksmith, and if I have to cut it off myself,

you will pay for it out of your allowance.

You won't let me see your room. Well, small wonder.

I'll bet you could practically grow potatoes in there.

Probably have to call the pest control...

"I am in blood stepped in so far..."

that should I wade no more,

"returning were as tedious as go o'er."

Shakespeare, of course, was the most popular playwright of his day.

He wrote for the masses,

and that's why many of his plays...

contain overt acts of violence.

Richard III,

the fourth play Shakespeare ever wrote,

contains no less than 13 murders.

Is this a gum-chewer I see before me, Mr. Cusimano?

Uh, no, sir, Mr. Beanes, sir.

I was just trying to pick a piece of food...

I had stuck between my teeth, sir.

Oh. So you weren't chewing gum then, Cusimano?

No, sir.

Then perhaps you would be good enough...

to identify...

this.

Uh, that's not my gum, sir, I swallow...

So you were in fact chewing gum.

You will dispose of the evidence, Mr. Cusimano,

by swallowing it... now.

Would you prefer to meet the misters?

Gross.

As I was saying,

as Shakespeare matured as a dramatist,

murder remained an important element of his tragedies...

which of course brings us to our assignment: Macbeth.

Unlike Richard III,

Shakespeare did not paint Macbeth in shades of pure black,

and Macbeth committed his murders...

for a different underlying motivation than did Richard.

And what was Macbeth's motivation?

I can give you the answer in one word,

one simple, three-letter word which I am sure is a part...

of all your puny, paltry, pubescent,

puerile, pedestrian vocabularies.

So, Mr. Brand,

I see that you've decided to grace us all...

with your illustrious presence this morning.

Time waits for no man, Mr. Brand,

neither does it wait for little boys.

And if this tardy slip does not serve...

as a reminder of that fact to you, Mr. Brand,

let me point out that if you earn just one more of these,

I'll have you right where I want you: In detention.

Sex, ladies and gentlemen.

- Sex, boys and girls... - Do you have my homework?

My little lambs.

Sex. S-E-X.

Sex was the underlying motive behind Macbeth's heinous actions.

The insidious Lady Macbeth used sex...

the promise of it, the implied, threatened denial of it...

to control and dominate her husband.

I daresay things have not changed a great deal in the last few centuries,

because men... perhaps even some in this very room...

continue to say things, do things...

and participate in behavior they wouldn't normally dream of...

for the promise of sexual favor.

Now that I've managed to attract...

your obsessive, libido-infested attentions,

I shall return your homework.

As usual, these essays are a disgrace.

Miss Davidson, "F."

Miss Markowitz, "F."

Mr. Polinsky, "F."

Miss Wilson, F-plus. Your spelling was good.

And now we come to a most curious circumstance:

two papers that are absolutely identical,

but have different names on them.

One of the names is Peter Brand,

and the other is Cynthia Simpson.

Although such an occurrence...

is within the realm of the laws of probability,

I have another explanation for it:

plagiarism,

which, if the word is not known to either of your infantile intelligences,

is defined as "the passing off as your own the work of someone else."

So,

now I ask the burning question:

Who is the guilty party?

If neither of you will admit your guilt, both of you shall be punished for it.

Um, I... I'm guilty.

I copied Cynthia's paper, sir.

I am surprised, Miss Simpson.

Your paper was quite coherent.

C-plus, the best grade in the class.

As for you, Mr. Brand,

nothing is as vile, despicable, and degenerate as a plagiarist.

Now get your dissembling Publius Maximus up here...

and prepare to meet the misters!

Arms out!

Now, Mr. Brand, prepare to meet Mr. Funk,

Mr. Wagnall,

Mr. Webster,

Mr. Random,

Mr. House...

and our good friend, Mr. Shakespeare.

Kneel.

If you drop any of those books, Mr. Brand, I'll have your head.

Hi.

Boy, the Burrito sure came down hard on you this morning.

Tell me about it. My arms are still sore.

You know, what's his problem anyway?

He's perverse. I mean, you heard his lecture.

He blames everything bad on sex, Mr. Brand.

What would he know about it?

Somebody ought to do something about him.

Somebody ought to do something to him.

Peter, what are you doing tonight?

Homework.

You want to fix Beanes?

I mean, really fix him? Mess with his head?

What have you got in mind?

Have you played that new album I bought for you backwards yet?

No. Why should I?

When you play "Blood Sausage" backwards,

there's all these great spells and incantations and stuff.

"Teacher's Threat" has got this great curse on it,

but you gotta do it exactly at midnight,

so I'll come over around 11:00.

Tonight? 11:00? My house?

You're gonna come over?

I'll be in my room.

Radical.

I'll see you around 11:00.

Oh, don't worry about the severed bat wing. I've got one.

Severed bat wing?

Add dirt from a grave that is freshly dug,

and a fingertip of a dead relation by blood.

This mixture ignite at the stroke of midnight...

by the united hand of woman and man.

Do thus as is written,

and so shall the victim suffer this night...

the curse of Dalkite.

Curse of Dalkite?

Ow.

Hi.

Did I scare you?

No. No, not at all. I was just tripping over my shoelaces.

- This is your room? - Yeah. This... This is it.

Do you think it's radical?

Yeah.

Oh, Peter.

- I hate this picture. - Oh, well, I just...

- This is your bed, huh? - Yeah. That's my bed.

Do you use it much?

Um, C-Cynthia,

what... what exactly is the curse of Dalkite?

- Hiccups. - Hiccups?

Yeah. The curse of Dalkite gives the victim hiccups.

I did it to my mother last week after she grounded me.

She had the hiccups for three solid days. It was hilarious.

My father finally had to take her to the hospital.

No kidding?

Yeah. Three solid days.

Can you imagine Beanes trying to recite Shakespeare with the hiccups?

It'll be a scream, I tell you.

That would be great.

Wait a minute.

Look, when you did this to your mother,

where did you get a fingertip of a dead blood relative from?

Well, actually, I didn't use a fingertip.

I used a lock of my dead grandmother's hair from the family album.

But, Peter, tonight we gotta use a fingertip.

Yeah, but where do we get one?

Where do you think?

This is way cool.

Yeah.

We gotta hurry. It's 11:30 already.

Can I carry that thing for you?

Thank you, Peter.

What do you have in here? Sledgehammer?

- Shh! - What?

I thought I heard something.

What?

An open grave.

Get in. What?

Get down there and get some dirt.

Uh-uh. I'm not going down there.

We need dirt from a freshly dug grave.

There's plenty of dirt on the pile right here.

- It has to be from the bottom. - Wait a minute.

I don't remember the record saying anything...

about the dirt having to be from the bottom.

Look, if you're too chicken to jump into a little hole, I'll do it.

I'm not chicken.

I just want to make sure it's necessary, all right?

Go for it.

Careful.

- See ya. - Bye.

Peter.

I'm okay.

Get some dirt.

- How much do we need? - Just a handful.

- Okay, now, where do I put... - Shh!

Cyn?

No, come on. Stop kidding around.

I got the di...

Cyn.

Cynthia?

Cynthia?

Aaah!

Stay down.

- He's coming back! - Who?

Shh.

Must be the caretaker.

Look, Cyn, I think we ought to call it a night.

You can't.

Remember the record?

"United hand of a woman and man."

You are a man, aren't you?

Oh. Mmm.

So we're a team now...

till death do us part.

Death.

Here it is.

The Beanes family crypt.

Oh, boy.

It's locked. Darn. Well, I guess we'd better call it a night.

- Okay, sledgehammer. - Sledgehammer?

Let's check it out.

I know I'm gonna regret this.

Ooh.

Do I smell what I think I smell?

Look at this place.

It's perfect.

Everything we need is here.

Severed bat wing.

Katydids.

Graven image.

What?

The picture of Beanes in the yearbook.

Rosewater.

Dirt from a freshly dug grave.

And now the pi�ce de r�sistance:

fingertip of a blood relative.

Guess we have to do this, huh?

Damn. Wrong side.

It's midnight!

We gotta finish before the clock strikes 12:00.

Get the fingertip.

But you mean that I...

Hurry up.

Mmm. Mmm.

What's taking so long?

The shears aren't sharp enough.

Put some muscle into it.

That's seven already.

I'm trying to. It just...

Eight.

Nine.

Ten.

Eleven.

Throw it in!

There it is... The house of Beanes.

Look. There's a light on.

I'll bet the hiccups woke him up.

He's probably trying to get rid of 'em.

Let's wait till tomorrow to see if this really worked.

Tomorrow?

After what we just went through? Come on.

Come on.

I can hear him, but I can't see him.

Look.

Oh.

Only Beanes would name a frog Shakespeare.

Give me the flashlight.

What?

Oh, my God. We killed him!

Turn on the light.

There's nothing. He's a goner, and we're responsible.

Don't jump to conclusions. People drop dead all the time.

Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain that?

The clock stopped exactly at midnight.

Look, we should just go home and forget all this.

- Wha... - Let the police deal with this.

Are you crazy? My fingerprints are all over him.

Your fingerprints are on the door and the light switch.

You know, we could get the electric chair for this.

You can't get the chair for killing a teacher.

- You can't? - No.

You get the gas chamber in this state.

- I'm leaving. - No. Look... We killed this man.

We did this together. We're in this together.

"Till death do us part," remember?

Okay. What do we do?

I don't know. I think...

Wish there was a spell that would bring him back to life.

There is. Look.

Side two, cut three...

"The Dead Shall Rise."

Place the mixture at the toes...

of the victim in repose.

And to this confection add the water of resurrection.

Thus come Dalkite's demise, and thy victim shall arise.

Dalkite's demise.

If this doesn't work, nothing will.

I think I found everything we need.

Look, I still say we should just lay him on the couch.

He has to be in repose, which means "in bed."

- You want to take chances on the instructions? - No way. I just...

Cynthia, look. What if this doesn't work?

No problem.

That means the curse of Dalkite didn't kill him...

we're off the hook...

and we're free of Beanes forever.

The plucked feather.

The unpeeled orange.

Soapstone.

Salt.

Graven image.

Come on, hurry up. I found it, okay? Just...

You tore his head off.

Cool it.

Now all we need is the water of resurrection.

French mineral water?

It's either that or tap water.

Mr. Beanes?

Are you alive?

So how long does it take for the dead to rise?

I guess it could take up to three days.

Mr. Brand. Miss Simpson.

Prepare to meet the misters!

This can't be happening, all right? It's gotta be a hallucination.

Where do you two think you're going?

Come on!

Can't you see it's locked? Use your head, man.

Ow!

It won't open.

Damn!

You won't escape my...

fury, children!

- Here I come! - Oh!

Aaah!

I'm caught.

Why aren't you home doing your homework, Miss Simpson?

At a time like this, you're thinking about sex, Mr. Brand?

Get down here!

What's the matter, are you blind?

They're getting away!

For heaven's sake, jump!

Hurry up! Jump!

Hurry, you brainless idiot. Jump!

Hurry, will you? Hurry!

You two will never escape my wrath.

Aaah! Aaah!

Get it off! Get it off!

Kick it off!

Ooh, whoo, whoo!

Okay. I'm gonna get the bus, okay?

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Peter, you better get on here.

- Run! - Wait!

Hurry! Hurry, you fool!

Hurry! Aaah!

So, Mr. Brand.

Please, no!

It wasn't my idea.

She made me do it.

Sex made you do it, Mr. Brand!

You should have paid attention to Macbeth instead of Cynthia.

Time waits for no man, Mr. Brand.

Faster, you fool!

Brand! I wanna hurt you!

I'll get you for this!

I'm right behind you.

Hah!

I see you haven't done your homework, Mr. Brand!

I want to see you in detention, Mr. Brand.

Uh...

Damn it, Peter, you are late for school again!

Every morning it is the same thing over and over.

Late for school, late for school.

Now move it, young man.

And by the way, when are you gonna cut that padlock off your door?

Hah! Mr. Brand.

You're tardy again,

so I finally have you where I want you, Mr. Brand:

in detention!

Mr. Beanes, you...

Detention's fine, just as long as you're okay.

Well, actually, I have a bit of a sore throat.

? If you've got leavin' on your mind.

Tell me now Get it over.

Hurt me now Get it over.

If you got leavin' on your mind.

If there's a new love in your heart

♪ Tell me now Get it over ♪

Will you be diggin' today, Calvin?

I mean, seein' as how tomorrow's Thanksgiving and all,

I thought maybe we'd go get us a turkey.

You're just like your poor, crazy mother,

always tryin' to think up some lame excuse to celebrate.

There ain't gonna be no holidays until we find water.

If there's a new love in your heart.

Tell me now.

Now go get your chores done.

I need you to haul dirt.

Hurt me now Get it over.

If there's a new love in your heart.

With any luck at all, we'll find water today,

and then my stepdaddy'll get us a turkey.

Send us some luck, Mama.

Please help us find water today.

I'm coming right now, Calvin.

I'm out there slavin' to find water,

and you're in here playing missy country-and-western star.

I've just about had it with you, girl.

- You hear? - Yes, sir.

I am gonna put an end to this caterwaulin' nonsense right now.

Now get on out there.

Haul away!

Oh!

Hey! Dora!

I'm sorry, Calvin! It's just so heavy!

Quit your bellyachin' and haul away.

Oh, please, Mama, please.

Let something happen... anything...

just so I don't have to haul any more of this dirt!

Oh!

I'm sorry, Calvin. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

I tried to hold it, but it just slipped right out of my hands!

I tried to, but I couldn't help it.

You... You won't believe what happened down there.

I'm not so sure I believe it myself.

The bottom just dropped right out from under me.

For one second there, I was just standing on thin air.

If it wasn't for that ladder, I'd be in China.

The bottom...

dropped out?

What are you gonna do, Calvin?

I can't see the light anymore.

I'm gonna pull it up.

Must be caught on something.

Whoa! Did you see that?

That line jerked in my hand!

Calvin, how could it?

There's something down there.

What'd I say? What'd I say?

It could be a fish. I read a story once...

Don't feel like no fish to me.

That doesn't make sense.

What the heck could be down there?

Hmm.

Calvin, what is it?

Huh.

My Lord.

Gold. Pure gold.

For a flashlight?

It's like National Geographic.

Gimme that.

What's it say, Calvin?

I don't know what it says,

but I sure do know what it means!

- Yeehaw! - What, Calvin?

Listen. Don't you let anybody go near that hole.

Anybody, you hear?

And that includes you!

But, Calvin!

But, Calvin, what am I supposed to do?

Just like you always do... nothin'.

Calvin.

Hello?

Hello down there.

"Dear Hole People."

"How are you?"

Who are you?

Your friend,

Dora Johnson.

Hope they can understand English.

"Using your crude code book,

our scholars have determined this food to be ham."

"Very tasty.

Payment enclosed. What else do you have?"

No way.

He'd kill me.

"Our scholars have determined this food to be chicken.

Very tasty. Payment enclosed. What else do you have?"

You do your chores yet?

- Um... - Well, do 'em!

Calvin, you're gonna be sending down those flashlights?

Make me some dinner.

Well, Calvin, I think them hole people would much rather have...

Dinner. Fix me some dinner!

Go on.

My worries are over.

New truck. New house. A real well.

We'll advertise.

Maybe even put in a water slide.

Calvin, there's somethin' I gotta tell you.

It hit bottom! It's hit bottom.

Traitors!

Ingrates!

Animals!

No-good, double-dealin', two-timin', schemin' animals!

"Our scholars have determined these devices to be flashlights.

Prefer chicken. No payment enclosed.

What else do you have?"

Calvin, what are you gonna do?

Slimy, stinkin', cheatin' lowlifes!

This is war! You hear me?

War!

Calvin, please, wait up.

You give me ten minutes with them grubs. Then you haul me up!

Hear me, girl? Ten minutes.

You can't go down there, Calvin.

What's the matter with you, girl?

That's real gold down there. It's mine.

It's a sign, Calvin!

People waste their whole lives thinkin' they're cheated...

'cause they want somebody else's luck or money... somebody else's life.

This hole here... This hole here is like a sign...

for us to stand up and say, "Amen! What we have here is good!"

All we gotta do, Calvin, is we gotta turn our back away from that hole.

Now!

Did you get yourself another piece of gold out of that hole, girl?

Are you stealin' my gold so you can play missy country-and-western star?

You know, you get yourself a pretty dress...

and a leather hat, and a shiny white guitar, and you're still gonna be nothing.

You ain't no Loretta Lynn.

No, you're just like your mama...

a worthless, stupid farm girl that ain't never amount to nothin'.

I ain't touched your gold, Calvin.

Ten minutes! Now lower away.

Time's up, Calvin.

In all the days you've been my stepdaddy,

if you'd have just said one nice thing to me, I wouldn't be doin' this now.

Calvin, you're a mean, no-good, lying, worthless ball of slime!

You was born that way!

That's your work.

Everybody has a reason.

And yours is to make folks miserable.

Oh, dear Mama!

Oh, dear Mama, help me!

Calvin, you alone?

Calvin?

You okay?

"Our scholars have determined this food..."

to be turkey.

Delicious.

"Payment enclosed. What else do you have?"

Will all the pumpkin girls please report to the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we conclude this year's Yarborough Country Fair...

by announcing the winner of the Governor's Grand Prize...

Pumpkin Competition!

And this year...

extra prize money donated by the folks at Peploe Chick Feed...

will bring the winner a grand total of $2,000!

Now, since the governor couldn't be here,

I'd like to turn the mike over to the mayor of Yarborough,

Mayor Chester A. Barnsworth. Chet?

Thanks, Ernie.

Folks, it sure was tough to pick this year's winning pumpkin...

and not just 'cause the last event was the beer tasting.

Nah. Folks, I'm pleased to announce...

that the Governor's Prize...

of $2,000...

goes to...

Mildred McMinamin!

Come on up here, Mildred! Come on up!

Ohh.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, look!

Mmm... no!

It's a fix!

It's fixed! It's fixed! Let me through! Let me through here!

Out of my way! Everyone knows it's fixed! It's fixed! It's fixed!

My pumpkin!

Take your hands off me. Take your hands off me.

Elma Dinnock, what's the meaning of this?

Chester Barnsworth, for 21 years...

I've entered this infernal competition,

and not once... not once have I ever won!

- And do you know why? Because it's fixed! - No, Elma.

Oh, no? Then explain this to me, Mr. Mayor.

The same sun shines on my pumpkin as shines on the winner.

I plant my pumpkin in the same county soil.

The same rain waters my pumpkin.

If it's not fixed, then why do I always lose?

I'll tell you why lose, Elma Dinnock!

You lose because you are a selfish old witch!

You may own half the county,

but you never give of yourself to anything or anyone.

And that includes your pumpkins!

- That's enough, Mildred. - Oh, no, Chester.

No one ever speaks frankly to Elma...

because her bank has foreclosed on so many these folks.

Well, it's time someone spoke up!

It's time you knew, Elma, why the others always win.

They win because they give of themselves.

Loving attention.

To be rewarded in life, Elma, one must give.

Whether you're raising vegetables or raising children.

Oh, of course.

You've never had that chance to give to a family.

I'm...

Botheration. Never fails.

I hear ya. I hear ya.

- What do you want? - Uh, good day, madam.

I'm Bertram Carver, professor of Agricultural Science from the State University.

I have something you might be interested in.

Just as I thought, a salesman.

- Can't you read? - Uh, but, I'm not...

But you can win next year's pumpkin competition!

How's that again?

Well, talk, Professor. I get a penny apiece for these.

Every nine seconds I'm not stuffing I'm out a nickel.

Letting you in here cost me 30 cents.

I'm sorry, madam.

Well?

Well...

As I said, I'm a professor of Agricultural Science.

You've heard of my research to end hunger?

Are you aware, Miss Dinnock,

that one-fifth of the world's population is starving?

They're no concern of mine, sir.

Get to the point. Time is money.

Yes.

Well...

this... is my point.

A green bowling ball?

Not a bowling ball, Miss Dinnock.

This is gonna feed the world's hungry.

Here.

Taste it.

Taste it?

Go ahead.

- That's a pea. - To be exact,

Pisum sativum of the genus Lathyrus.

Or the common sweet pea.

- But it's so big. - Exactly!

My experiments in microbotany have been extremely successful.

But alas, madam, I've exhausted my grant.

I need funds to continue, and that's why I'm here.

I need, Miss Dinnock, just $10,000...

to complete my research.

And why should I lend you $10,000?

Oh, not lend me.

Give.

Give? You've taken enough of my time, sir. Get out of here. Out! Out!

- Get out! Out! Out! - In return...

I'll give you my growth formula...

to win the next pumpkin competition.

You're certain this is tax deductible?

Absolutely.

Yes. Well, Mr. Carver,

I would like to... give you $10,000,

but due to my financial situation, I can only...

give you half.

But I need 10,000.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Just as I thought.

You realize that if this is a sham, you'll be apprehended by the authorities...

and spend the rest of your miserable life in jail.

I assure, madam, it's authentic.

Follow these directions.

Good day, madam.

Tomorrow, Professor Carver, I'm calling the cops.

Thank you. Thanks, Mildred.

Well, well. I see they gave you number one.

Oh, but, Elma, the defending champion...

always has the honor of the number one.

Yes, well, I guess that's an honor I'll never know...

since this selfish old witch will never win.

Elma, if what I said last year hurt you, I'm sorry.

But it's true, you know.

God always rewards those who give.

- Is that so, Mildred? - Oh, I believe it.

Lord knows we could all be more giving.

But, Mildred, how could you, pray tell, be more giving?

I could tell you that my pumpkin is bigger than last year's.

Now that would save you disappointment...

and the $2.00 entry fee,

which I know is very important to you.

Your lies won't keep me from registering my pumpkin.

No, no, I will not withdraw so that you can win by default, Mildred McMinamin.

And neither will anyone else here.

I was trying to be kind to save you pain.

But I guess I was wrong.

Yes, you were wrong, Mildred. You were wrong about everything.

And especially wrong about saying that I'm not going to win this year.

Oh, am I now?

In fact, I'll wager my entire estate... all 14,000 acres...

against that sweet, little house trailer of yours that I'm going to win!

Elma, you're... you're crazy!

I see. You're afraid to bet.

And after suggesting that I withdraw.

How does that look, Mildred?

All right!

- It's a bet? My estate against your house trailer? - Yes!

My bank account against yours... winner take all?

Yes! Yes! Anything you say!

I say so, and you're all witnesses!

Pumpkin against pumpkin in tomorrow's competition.

Mildred?

Do your friends really believe all that about...

"blessed be the givers"?

I'm sure they do.

Good.

Since you'll be asking them to give you a place to stay.

Hello? Yes, this is still Elma Dinnock, and I'm still holding.

I've been trying to get through all morning.

Is this 24-Hour Movers... "Always Ready, Always Waiting"?

Yes, I want one of your large open-bed trucks.

The biggest one you've got.

Well, what do you mean there's no one there?

If there's no one there, who the dickens are you?

I see. Well, Mr. Custodial Crew,

let me talk to somebody who can rent me a truck.

Well, when will they be back?

Ohh!

Ahh!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the final event of the fair...

the Governor's Grand Prize Pumpkin Competition!

Well, since the judges are still conferring,

uh, it'll be a while.

Look! Ma! Ma, look! Look, it's the Great Pumpkin!

It's Cinderella! Look! Look!

- Yes, dear. - Mom, look!

I keep telling you, George, the kid's too old for fairy tales.

Mom! Mom! Mom!

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it.

Well, the judges have finally reached a decision.

Since the governor couldn't be here this year,

here to make the big announcement is our own Mayor Barnsworth!

Chet?

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it.

Well...

I don't know how she did it, but, uh, we got the same winner two years in a row.

Congratulations!

That's right, folks, for the first time ever...

in the history of the Yarborough Country Fair...

our reigning champion herself...

- has walked off with the first prize ribbon! - Ohh!

The winner of this year's Governor's Grand Prize Pumpkin Competition is...

Mildred McMinamin!

Come on up here, Mildred!

Wait! Wait!

My pumpkin... My pumpkin wasn't judged!

My pumpkin wasn't judged! It wasn't judged!

But, Elma, we looked for your pumpkin. Where is it?

It's right here!

Here. Here. It's right here.

Ew!

Elma, is that a pumpkin?

Well, of course that's a pumpkin!

Well, you can see it was bigger than all the others.

I demand to be declared the winner!

Elma...

obviously you haven't seen this year's entries.

What?

Quite amazing, really.

A professor asked us for $5,000...

to complete his research to end hunger.

Of course, we all gave.

And in return...

he gave us his growth formula.

Ohh! Ohh!

You don't have to go out, Mom.

No, they're the wrong colors, Michael.

Well, I don't care who said they were.

I'm telling you they're not.

- I saw the fabrics they chose... - Mom!

And what she delivered isn't anywhere near...

No, look. I'm getting John on the line and... Michael, just hold a second...

I don't want you to go out, Mom.

I'll put John on conference. Hold on.

What if you don't come back?

Shh.

John, I've got Michael on. And he says...

Hello? Hello? Hello? Damn!

Raymond! Honey, it's on the blink again.

- What if... What if... - Not now, Jonah. Raymond!

Where's the babysitter, Pam? We're supposed to be there already.

- Daddy. - I don't know.

Oh, Raymond, John has confused my orders again. And that damn phone!

Well, there's not much we can do about it tonight, is there?

- I suppose. - Don't go out, okay?

- Zip me up, will you, darling? - Sure.

What if something happens to you? Who's going to take care of me?

Nothing's going to happen to us.

I don't know. I think something is happening to me right now.

- But what if... - Stop being a baby, Jonah.

You're a big boy, not a baby.

You smell wonderful.

You are incorrigible.

- Jonah, put that down! - I just wanted to...

I've told you. These phones are very...

What... Oh, Jonah.

I've asked you not to play with these things in the house.

Oh, and there's junk all over the carpet!

Raymond, you talk to him.

Raymond.

- What's that on the floor? - My truck.

And where does it belong?

- In my room. - Right.

- The coloring book? - In my room.

Thank God you're here.

- Hi, Mrs. Kelley, Mr. Kelley. - Marsha.

Jonah, are those your pictures in the kitchen?

I drew them for you and Daddy.

Well, that's-that's very nice, honey.

But they don't belong on the refrigerator.

I want you to put them in your room.

They'll look much nicer in your room.

Everything... Everything that's yours, you keep in your room, okay?

Good boy.

Who will I live with if you don't come back?

I don't know, Jonah. Maybe your Uncle William.

He doesn't like little boys.

Marsha, will you play with me?

I can't. I have homework.

- What time is it? - Your bedtime.

When are they coming back?

Jonah, I'm trying to read, okay?

Go to bed.

Wait. Pick up your toys.

Do you want a little boy?

Not now. Maybe later when I'm a little older.

Good night, Jonah.

Don't let them get me, Bear. Don't.

Are they in the closet?

No, they're living in the wall.

What if they don't come back this time, Bear?

What if the monsters come to get me...

and nobody sees them, and they take me away?

What if they die, Bear? What if...

♪ She never will forget you? ♪

Mmm.

Don't go out tonight, okay?

Just stay home and watch television, okay?

Can't.

Raymond! Honey, we're late!

Why do you have to go out again?

Don't start. Oh, my head.

They just kept pouring the champagne, and pouring it and pouring it.

And Raymond.

Well, you know how he gets when he...

Oh, boy.

- What is that? - My bus.

Oh. Well, you'd better hurry.

Will you and Daddy be here when I get home?

- What are these? - I'll put them in my room.

Mmm.

Honey, there's a bus in our driveway.

- It's my bus, Daddy. - Well, it's leaving.

Well, how's the head?

- Not so bad now. - Mmm, good.

Who do we have to see this morning?

The Sterns at 10:00. The sofa factory at 11:00.

And I promised the Robbins we'd drop by after lunch.

- Not the Robbins. - Yes.

Need some coffee?

Yeah, let's break in the new espresso machine.

Like you broke in the last one?

One cup and "kablooey."

Yeah, but it sure was a good cup.

Do you want a little boy?

I'm afraid I already have my hands full.

Oh, I hate that stuff. And I hate this damn car.

If you got a job, maybe we could buy our own car.

- My sister... - How do you expect me to find work...

when I have to do her damn shopping, babysit her damn kids?

Good question, since you spend most of the day sleeping under her "damn" roof!

Thank you. That's very nice.

You know, you might take up for me every once in a while...

instead of always taking up for your sister.

Every time we have an argument, all you have to do...

If it wasn't for her, where would we be?

- Are you going to have a baby? - Yes, I am.

Actually, I've been hoping for a boy... just like you.

What did you get him?

- Do you want to see? - Yes.

- Bear. - Bear?

- Yeah, Bear. - Well, then. That's his name.

Hello, Bear.

You be careful crossing the street, okay?

Okay.

Good-bye.

Bye.

- Jonah. - Yes?

Are you ready to cross now?

Yeah.

Will you be here when I finish school?

I'll make sure you get home.

Hello!

I'm back from school!

Jonah.

Jonah, I'm over here.

Are you in there?

Thank you.

I don't want to put a scare in you boys,

'cause you seem like big men in little boys' bodies.

And there's no reason in God's earth to be scared of nothing!

That was the slowest movie I've ever seen in my life.

- It was really dull. - Oh, boy.

Oh, this couch is beautiful.

Raymond, honey, you get the champagne!

Got it, sweetheart.

Mommy? I fell asleep.

- I'm dying to go. - We have some great shots from our last trip.

- Wait'll you see these. - Hi, Daddy!

- Hi, Daddy. - Isn't that the most incredible powder?

Daddy? I'm here. I'm right here.

- That's the mill. - Oh, is that your house? That's beautiful.

Daddy, it's Jonah.

- You look great. - That's when she had longer skis.

Here's some hors d'oeuvres. Did you pull those out?

Mommy, look at me.

- Mommy, look at me! - Here's to... fun in the snow.

- Fun in the snow. - Look at me.

I'll bring my new pair of skis.

Look at me.

- Where did you go? - I'm upstairs, Jonah.

You ready to cross now, Jonah?

Jonah.

Am I dead?

On the contrary, you haven't even been born yet.

Am I going to be born now?

- Uh-huh. - But I won't have Bear anymore.

Oh, but he's already gone over.

He's waiting for you, good as new.

It's time.

Okay.

- What would you like to be called? - Robbie.

Oh, I think that can be arranged.

- That's you. - Oh, yeah.

There's Pamela in her best position.

Sitting down to put her skis on.

- Look at yourself! - That's a good shot of me.

Will they miss me?

Oh, they'll feel a tug.

Perhaps they'll sense something missing,

but they won't know what it is.

When the time comes, and they're ready to share their life with a child,

I'll be back to see 'em.

Come on, Robbie.

Your mother wants you very badly.

It's a boy.

He's checking out.

- Do the cortex reading right now. - Hold that.

Downloading.

Amygdala stimulation rising.

Cortex activity, 30 over 20.

Get that enhancement printer online.

Do the cortex reading right now.

- We're stable, Katherine. - Already here.

Looks like we're all set, John.

Frank, just dim the lights please.

The sequence, Katherine.

Oh, boy.

What's...

What is it?

Oh, my Lord.

It could be his mother.

We did it!

Those are memory fragments we're looking at!

Whoo!

Freddy, you almost gave me a heart attack.

You know, some guys would think...

making history was enough work for one day.

Katherine, look. I...

Look.

This is the schedule for the rest of the project.

And this... is roughly where I get off.

Like my daddy always said...

The good and the Baldwins die young.

- Katherine... - Don't shut me out, John.

I'm sorry.

Guess I'm not coping as well as I thought I would.

I want to help you.

But I don't know what to do.

Just...

Just stay with me.

Put up with me and...

tell me to cut it out when I'm being remote.

- And... - Mmm.

Will you please go to bed,

so I don't feel guilty about keeping you up all night?

- What about you? - Ten minutes.

Ten.

Ten. Ten minutes.

Good night, love.

See you in the morning.

- Morning, Katherine. - Hello.

- Katherine. - What's going on?

Uh, uh, sorry I didn't wake you.

You haven't told her?

Told me what?

I wanted your okay first, Ben.

For what? What is it?

I'm going to be the first subject for total transfer.

Provided Ben agrees.

We're years away from using human subjects, John.

- You know that. - I have to agree with her, John.

- Thank God. - Ben, just keep reading.

We can set a target date three weeks from now...

if we... if we just override all this preliminary stuff.

- Preliminary? That's all necessary. - No, it's not.

It's just designed to minimize trauma in the subject.

And let's face it.

That's hardly a necessity in my case.

Look, Ben. If it doesn't work, nobody's lost anything.

If it does, how many years do we save?

Not to mention how many millions of dollars.

You really want to do this.

- Ben! - Yes.

I do.

Okay. Officially, I don't know anything about this.

You have access to all facilities...

God, you've both lost your minds.

Katherine, please listen.

Yes, explain it to me.

Tell me why you want to throw away...

the little time we have left.

I'm not throwing it away.

If you go through this process now, it could kill you.

Katherine, please understand.

This is the only chance I have.

This way, everything I've learned...

my judgment, my experience,

the entire contents of my mind can still be available to you.

If it works.

Either way, I'm gonna die.

You're going to lose me totally if you don't let me try this.

It's a chance for me to leave something of myself behind.

More than just... fading memory.

I want to be with you any way I can.

Frank?

Frank?

How far along are you on those disks?

Actually, I've finished. They're all set.

Good. We're almost there. A couple more days.

But I still need to run the usual tests.

I haven't determined laser compatibility.

Oh, come on, Frank. Your work always checks out.

Still, I think we should run at least a basic...

All right, but, uh, tomorrow.

You all must be tired. Everybody, go home. Get some rest.

- Good night, Frank. - Good night, sir.

Night, guys. Take care, Al.

Good night, Bob.

A couple of days.

Maybe sooner.

Sooner?

- Katherine... - I'm trying, John.

I know you are, sweetheart.

You look tired too.

- No, I'm not. - Go home.

How about...

if I go lie down in our office for a while?

- And then we can drive home together. - Good.

Katherine?

I love you.

And I love you.

John?

John.

Katherine.

Katherine.

It worked. I'm here.

What's goin' on?

Be sure to check the monitors.

Katherine.

He did it, Ben. He did it.

My God.

John, can you hear me?

Are you receiving my voice? It's Ben.

Not only do I receive your voice, Ben,

but I can see you haven't shaved yet.

I came here as fast as I could.

- Of course. - Uh,

so, the sensors are working okay?

Better than we expected. In fact, with all of you standing so close,

I can feel the warmth of your bodies.

You're going to take a little getting used to, John.

For me too, Ben.

Frank, can you increase the sensor's capacity load?

Five percent all right, sir?

To start.

Better. But make sure it doesn't drop below 48.

John, can you tell me?

Your perception and your memory,

are they working as well as...

As when I was alive?

And what about you?

I am alive.

- Night, Ben. - Night, Doug.

- Good night, Katherine. - Night.

Night, Ted.

Terminals seven through nine indicate minimal out-of-memory error.

- Terminal six? - Good night, Katherine.

Stable.

John?

- John. - Yes, Katherine.

How are you?

What was the reading from terminal three?

It's fine, John. Everything's fine out here.

What about in there?

What's it like?

Are you happy?

"Happy"...

is not a word that belongs in here, Katherine.

Are you happy?

I miss you, John.

You look tired. I'll see you in the morning.

- Good night, John. - Good night.

I miss you too.

I got the answer to that hitch in the curve system.

Good.

Forget about systems monitoring. Could you bring up the G.L.S.?

Okay.

Enter "E-P-A-X." Retrieve.

That's the subject termination file.

I want you to destroy me, Katherine.

It's too painful. To see you and hear you,

feel the warmth of your body...

and not be able to touch you.

It's like that for me too.

No, it's not.

It's all over your face.

I can't help myself. What can't you help?

It's so good. I can't help that.

Your cheek can't taste it.

- Mmm. - Oh, no.

Very good. Very good.

Bet I tasted better than you tasted.

Yeah, you do, actually.

- Mmm. - I remember that.

- You want some back? - You're all sticky.

I remember that I love you.

And I remember the equation for a transverse wave.

The thing is, it's getting harder to know...

why one is more important than the other.

And soon, very soon, all you are to me will be stripped away.

I'm losing you, Katherine.

And I'm losing myself.

Soon I'll be nothing more...

than information storage and analysis.

And I can't bear it! You've got to help me.

John, I can't kill you.

You won't be killing me.

You'll be releasing me.

Sorry, John.

I was afraid of something like this.

Ben, you don't understand!

I'm positive that we have the technology to alleviate any discomfort.

Technology?

We're not talking about computer programming here.

We're talking about a human being!

I'm sorry, Katherine.

But we can't afford to think only of ourselves.

It's out of the question that we terminate the project.

Can I speak to you outside for a moment?

Katherine,

we can work this out.

It'll take a little time, but I know that you can adjust to it.

I'd like you to take a few days off.

All right.

Look, Katherine.

I think, for everybody's sake,

you should stay away from here for a little while.

I understand.

Just let me tell John why I won't be around for a while.

All right.

- It's okay. - Yes, sir.

- Katherine! - Hurry, Katherine!

Katherine!

We have a lockout.

Please, Katherine. Please.

To clear the subject termination code, hit the OTRA sequence.

What about the security code override?

No, Katherine!

Now, repeat the sequence, omitting the first nine characters.

There's no way to override.

It's not working.

The system is trying to deter you from gaining final access. Don't panic.

Type out the LUREC sequence.

- No! - Don't panic.

Add L.B. insert.

No!

Final code, Katherine.

Now!

Please!

Katherine, no!

I love you, Katherine. I love you.

You... You just killed your husband.

You hate your job, and face it, your social life is the pits.

Well, get up and go out right now...

to the Coleman College admissions office.

You can take a class in astronomy, modern...

5:42 on St. Louis's hit radio station, K.S.T.L., baby.

A bit overcast outside our downtown studio.

Scattered showers expected throughout the St. Louis area.

All the more reason to stay in and stay tuned...

? W-W-W-Winner!

Fifty-eight degrees. It's 7:09.

K.K.M.O., Missouri's favorite station,

Your favorite hits from the past, day in and day out.

And now our weather update...

We'll get back to more country music in just a minute.

I just got a call from little Wilma over in Hartley.

"And she said," Hoss man, it's really comin' down out there.

It's rainin' cats and dogs."

She better be careful...

she doesn't step on a poodle, Hoss man!

With a thin, high crack of leather.

And a flash of silver spurs??

No, thanks.

Hi! Do you need some help?

I sure do. My car broke down half a mile down the road.

Can you give me a lift to a gas station?

Sure. We're not gonna find anything for a while, but come on in.

Thanks.

Ooh. We're bound to find something open up on Route 72.

It'll be 10 or 12 miles.

I really appreciate this.

It's lucky for you I came along.

You could have been out in this for hours.

Yes, I think you're right about that.

Help yourself.

No, thanks.

Haven't smoked in nearly 30 years.

I gave it up to have my first child.

- You anxious to get home? - What?

Oh. Oh, no. No, I'm not going home.

I just... I just thought I'd be making better time than this by now.

- Where you headed? - Oh, Springfield.

Ah.

You and your husband live in St. Lou?

How did you know I was married?

Oh, this old thing.

- Things not going so well? - You could say that.

- A fight. - No, no. We're way past that stage.

- I filed for divorce. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

- You been married long? - Yeah, 17 years this October.

You must have been very young.

I must have been very stupid.

Seventeen years. That's a big investment to lose.

Well, unfortunately it took me that long...

to realize that dreams don't come true.

Well, of course they don't.

Well, I don't know about you,

but if all my dreams had come true,

I'd have been, let's see, uh, a ballerina, a doctor, Margaret Mead,

an investigative reporter for the Post-Dispatch.

First woman President of the United States?

Yes, that was in there somewhere.

Well, I meant realistic dreams.

Realistic dreams?

Well, plans then, okay? Plans.

Nothing worked out like I planned it.

Do you still love him?

I'm sorry. You're right.

It's none of my business.

Here I am, snooping into your life.

I don't even know your name.

It's Charlie. It's Charlie Benton.

- Charlie? - It's short for Charlene.

My father wanted a boy. Yeah! Good, stupid. Leave your brights on.

- Geez. - I think Charlene is a pretty name.

Hey, would you look at that?

Isn't that a Studebaker?

Boy, I haven't seen one of those in 30 years.

It's a '53.

- Huh. We used to have one like that. - So did we.

Or rather, my father had it.

Anybody else touched it, he'd go through the roof.

He called it his baby.

- Your father liked cars? - Oh, he loved 'em. Yeah.

That's how he'd spend all his weekends when we were a kid.

Taking 'em apart, putting 'em back together.

Once he'd slide underneath, that was it. He'd be gone for the day.

Never see him again. Hmm.

I tried to get him to teach me auto mechanics.

But it never worked out.

Oh, my dear God.

What is it? What's wrong? Are you all right?

Oh, yes, um...

Those people in that car...

Oh, Lord, you're gonna think I'm nuts.

They looked like... They looked like me and my father...

when we were coming back from my mother's funeral.

I know that sounds crazy to you, but I remember it exactly.

He made me sit in the back seat on the way home.

He said it was my punishment for crying during the service.

He said only babies cried, and babies had to sit in the back seat.

Sorry, but...

that was so weird.

I know.

And the way it just disappeared. Strange.

- Well. - Whoo.

Oh, boy, wait till they hear about this one at the office.

Oh, we got this one guy there. His name's Bernie.

And he goes on and on about E.S.P. all the time.

You should hear him. I'm never gonna hear the end of it!

So you work in an office?

I run the office. Yeah. It's an ad agency.

That must be very exciting.

Well, it's a small agency.

But, you know, we have the largest herbicide account in the whole state?

- Well. - Well, it's not all that glamorous.

And your husband, what does he do?

Uh, well, he is an actor.

He's a good actor... when he works.

Oh, he just finished doing Linus at the Webster Groves Dinner Theatre.

But most of the time he's unemployed.

He takes lessons and classes.

He works for just about nothing.

I understand. Money problems.

No. Not at all.

My agency does very well.

But that's your money.

Yes.

And George is... My hus... Well, he's my ex-husb...

Well, he'll be my ex-husband.

Well, you know how men are.

Their whole idea of manhood is so wrapped up in...

- Providing? - Yes!

Yes. Providing.

And I know that it eats at George to live off my money.

I just wish he'd say so for once!

Maybe it doesn't really bother him.

Well, of course it does!

She's the perfect bride. You're the perfect groom.

At DeKay's Jewelers you don't have to settle for second best.

Get her the diamond of her dreams.

Easy credit, easy rates, easy financing.

- Yes... - Oh, please!

It's so corny, but the Wedding March always gets to me.

- Not you, huh? - Oh, yes.

When I got married to it, it did. Sure.

I had to have the storybook wedding.

Where the bride is beautiful,

and everybody lives happily ever after.

Surprise on me.

Oh, now what have we got here? Drunk drivers?

More than one.

Oh, that is so dangerous on a rainy night.

I'm just gonna let 'em pass me.

Hey, Charlie!

Oh, no.

No. No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

What's the matter, Charlie?

That was me.

George and me...

on the day we got married.

Did you find a phone?

It wasn't working. The lines must be down.

- Oh. - You feeling better?

- You want some coffee? - Uh, no. No, thanks.

Look, uh, I'm sorry.

Bet you didn't expect to be driving with a crazy lady, huh?

You're not crazy. Aw, let's face it.

Anybody who looks out a window...

and sees her own wedding party rolling past...

In the first place,

people who doubt their sanity aren't necessarily crazy.

It's the other guys, the ones who are sure they're sane...

They're the ones you have to watch out for!

Besides, there... there could be an explanation.

- Like what? - Maybe you were seeing what you wanted to see.

- What I wanted to see? - What you needed to see.

What you should be thinking about.

Oh, I see. Pop psychology.

No. No, not at all.

Look, I'm driving to Springfield, all right?

Where I'm staying until my divorce becomes final.

Right now I am perfectly willing to admit, I may have lost it a little bit.

This is a very stressful time for me.

But I know I can still drive, and that's what I'm going to do.

If you want to go on with me, that's fine. But I'm leaving.

And I'm not entertaining any more questions or theories about my personal life.

Understand?

It's too bad we couldn't have phoned a tow truck back there.

Or we could have called your family.

They must be worried about you.

No, no, my husband works nights.

And the girls are grown with kids of their own to worry about.

- Do you have children? - No.

We were going to. We wanted to.

But we just kept putting it off.

And now, the old biological clock's starting to tick.

No. You have plenty of time.

I read an article in the paper that said...

lots of women in their 40s were having their first babies.

You're subtle, aren't you?

Well, you can trust me on this one. There's one thing I'm sure of.

I wouldn't make a very good parent.

I never met a "very" good parent.

Oh, no? What about you? I'll bet you're a terrific parent.

What makes you say that?

Well, you're just the type.

You're... You're sincerely concerned about others.

You listen very well.

I'll bet you love your kids to death.

You're a little nosy.

What did that sign say?

Uh, I think it was "49 miles to Springfield."

It's so hard to tell in this rain.

Phew, I wish this would let up.

Makes me jumpy.

When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares about the rain.

That I was running through it, and I couldn't find anything.

Like Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With The Wind.

- Scarlett found Rhett. - And lost him.

Do you really think so?

I always thought he turned up the next day on her doorstep.

You're quite the romantic.

When I get the chance.

Well, I didn't marry any Rhett Butler, that's for sure.

Like... when I told George I was leaving.

We've had our fights.

I've yelled at him. He's yelled at me.

But when it came to the big one,

the really important one, do you know what he did?

- What? - He cried.

We were in his car. We were coming back from a ski trip.

And he's just crying.

He must have been devastated.

Well, sure, but... I'll tell you.

When he did that, when he cried,

that's when I knew I'd made the right decision.

I thought, "Here I am. I'm telling him that I'm leaving,

and all he can do is act like a baby."

What did you want him to do?

I wanted him to fight me. I wanted him to stand up to me.

George is not Rhett Butler. He's George.

And the idea of your leaving him must have been tearing him apart.

Well, then why didn't he stop me?

I don't know. You said you were going.

Maybe he took you at your word.

After 17 years!

If he really loved me, how could he just let me go?

If he really loved you?

Are you so sure he didn't, Charlie?

Charlie, what's the matter?

Tell me. What was it?

It was my father in me.

Not letting George cry.

I'm turning into my father.

No, Charlie, not if you don't want to.

George will understand.

Excuse me?

Look, the rain stopped.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm going to find you a gas station.

And then I'm gonna turn around, and I'm gonna go home.

You wish me luck?

All there is in the world, Charlie.

All there is in the world.

Call Morrison's. Tell 'em we need a wrecker out here.

Charlie?

- Look back, Charlie. - No!

- Look back. - No!

Charlie, look.

It was right here. I saw it!

It didn't happen.

It would have, if you'd kept on going,

if you hadn't changed your mind.

But it's all right now.

I don't understand.

I have to go.

What? Wait. Where are you going? There's nothing out here.

Don't worry about me.

- Good-bye, Charlene. - Wait! Wait!

Who are you?

Look in the mirror 30 years from now,

and you'll know who I am.

Thank you for saving my life, my dear.

So this guy bangs around under my sink...

for a few minutes this weekend.

And he gets done, we get talking.

He tells me he's been a licensed plumber for a year and a half,

and you know what he's pulling down?

68K a year.

A plumber's out there making more money than a lawyer.

It's a free country. Go be a plumber.

I'm thinkin' about it. Let me tell you.

Why don't you do it?

Naw, you know what'd be really great?

Be a professional fisherman on cable TV.

I was thinkin' about that this weekend.

My cousin Jackie and I was doing a little trout fishing.

- I tell ya that? - Yeah.

Drove upstate to this place.

Beautiful spot. Had a waterfall...

Hey, Dunc, there's a dope deal goin' down.

Did you see it?

We're after bigger fish.

So we're headin' back to the car...

and suddenly coming down the dirt road is the game warden.

Jackie's freakin' out...

because the goombah didn't remember about no fishin' licenses.

He throws the fish in the bushes.

I'm going "Good morning, Officer,"

and the guy hardly looks at us.

And now Jackie's diggin' around on his hands and knees...

in the prickle bushes.

Armed robbery in progress. 127 East 116th,

corner of Jerome Avenue... The Playboy Convenience Mart.

Take it, Dunc. Let's take it.

Bigger fish.

1731 responding.

See, I was thinking about going back up there.

Remember Arlene, the cosmetologist I was telling you about?

Take her along, we'll do a little fishing.

- I'll get the front. You get the back. - Got it.

- And watch out. - Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Get out. - Do as he says.

Not back there?

You sure?

Desoto!

Desoto.

All right, this is Unit 1731.

We got a man down, at corner of, uh, 116 and Jerome.

Playboy Convenience Mart. There's a man down, man down!

Where were you, Dunc? You were supposed to be there.

Man down!

I would like you to try and tell me...

a little about what's going on inside you.

What are you feeling right now?

Okay.

You know, even if you don't want to tell me,

I bet I can make a pretty good guess at what you're feeling.

Probably feeling guilty.

You're angry at yourself.

And you may even have thought of... doing harm to yourself.

Believe me, these are all perfectly normal feelings.

That's why we're having these sessions.

We can work through it.

Get past it.

- Get past it? - It can be done, if we just work...

I screwed up,

got my partner killed.

The kid's dead because I was reading a magazine.

Nothing's ever gonna change that.

Hey, hey, Dunc.

Hey, how you feeling, man?

Captain, you got a minute for me?

Captain, in reference to the incident last week,

I was wondering, uh, I've got some personal days.

- I was hoping to get some time off. - We're shorthanded as it is.

Due respect, sir, uh, I'm not doing anyone any good...

hangin' out behind a desk here.

You're up for qualifications next month. Do you realize this?

You don't pass, you'll have plenty of time off.

Yeah, I know. Ju-Just... Just hanging around here,

it's kinda hard to get in shape.

Tell you what. Go see Sergeant O'Connor.

Tell him to put you on traffic for a while.

Officer Martinez, report to watch commander.

Officer Martinez, report to watch commander.

Vehicle 629 to lower garage.

Hi.

Take it easy.

- What're you doin' here? - Going to work.

Well, look. You got the wrong unit.

I got Car 1271. That's this one.

So you do. So do I.

What a world, huh?

Duncan Moore. I'm Patty O'Neil.

I'm looking forward to riding with you.

Okay.

Look, lady, I didn't ask for a partner.

I guess you just got lucky then.

You don't see me jumping for joy, do you?

I figure we can spend our time hating each other,

or we can make the best of it.

Personally, I can go either way.

Which'll it be?

You ever been on traffic, Duncan?

It's not so bad.

Course, I know you're probably used to a little more excitement.

Can I ask you something? Just to get it out in front.

You got a problem partnering with a woman?

'Cause you know, we get resistance from some of the older guys.

Think you'd ever date a cop?

Never thought about it.

Duncan!

All right. Pull it over to the right.

Pull it over right now.

Driver's license and registration, please?

- What's wrong, man? - You ran a red light back here. Come on.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Look, you're not gonna tag me for this diddly-squat stuff, are ya?

Here. How 'bout cutting me a little slack?

Have a seat. Just have a seat.

Duncan!

Duncan!

In pursuit of a light blue-green Chevrolet Impala,

license number "R"- Ronald, "D"... Donald...

- 1337. - 1337.

Proceeding north on 119 between Union and...

North Broadway. North Broadway.

Suspect is armed and dangerous. Armed and dangerous.

Come on. Get out of the way.

- Watch your left. - I can't believe I let this guy...

All right, take the light. You got it! You got it!

Clear.

You got him. Got him!

Okay, okay.

All right, it's clear up ahead. Go!

You got it! It's clear!

Look out!

I blew it.

I turned my back on the guy.

I let him get away.

We got his name and regs.

It's just a matter of time before we pick him up.

If I don't get us killed first.

You kidding? You were smokin'.

I mean it.

- Where'd you learn all that? - Geez.

You don't learn it, you do it.

Situation like that, you don't have time to think.

Hey, Dunc, how you doing?

Oh, good, Mike. Thanks.

That's great. That's good.

You know, I just thought I'd ask.

All right.

- Aw, hey, Maurici. - Yeah.

Come here. I want you to meet my partner.

Hey, this is terrific. Hey, listen, Duncan, are you feeling all right?

- Come on. - Hey, no, man, just wait a second.

- I wanna ask him something. - Come on. All right?

What's their problem?

- Well, the hell with 'em. - That's the spirit.

Come on. Let's get outta here.

Don't let 'em under your skin.

You got better things to worry about.

Okay, O'Neil. I get your point.

What are you? Some kind of cheerleader or something?

Hey!

Hey, O'Neil!

Patty! Come here.

Come on, O'Neil, Patty.

- What's so important we gotta rendezvous here? - I wanted to talk to you.

Well, talk fast. I'm heading for a heart attack.

You only got a month before your physical.

- You gonna be in shape? - Who cares?

Search me. I'm just here for the exercise.

Yeah? Well, I never exercise.

That's why you look so good. See ya!

Hey, wait a minute.

It's very sneaky, O'Neil.

My grandma can do better than that.

Partner up with your grandma.

I would, but she left the force.

Oh, I need this aggravation?

No, I don't need it, and I don't want it.

So why don't... Why don't you...

By the time I'm through with you,

you're gonna be beating 'em off with a stick.

Yeah? Does that include you?

Only if you need the aggravation.

Gimme a break.

As far as I'm concerned,

you can just take your motherly advice...

What're you looking at, Ferteeta?

Go jump in the pool.

You're too tight.

Relax.

Take the trigger like you would take a girl's hand...

real gentle.

Where'd you get that?

My partner, Eddie Ramirez.

He taught me to shoot.

Ramirez, huh? Don't know him.

He got killed.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

We gotta get 'em out right away.

- What's going on? - - Hostage situation on First and Main.

- Hey, Herrington! - The name is Beckloff. I'm running a check now!

That's him. Let's go.

Duncan Moore? Are you here?

Hey, has anybody seen Duncan Moore?

Damn it. Find him.

Hey, Rico, follow me.

We can discuss the particulars, Mr. Beckloff,

but first let's let the innocent people go.

Mr. Beckloff? Mr. Beckloff?

He hung up!

Lieutenant's crazy. The guy's non-negotiable.

He knows he's strapped in the chair already.

We can charge the place or wait him out until he blows his cool.

Either way, he's gonna kill somebody.

Duncan, I know this building. I think I can get us in.

Hey! You can't do that!

You think you can get that open?

Yeah, if I got a quarter. Yeah.

- Yeah? Well, so how was I supposed to stop him? - What's going on?

Uh, Duncan Moore, sir. He just went running in there.

What? Duncan Moore? Are you sure?

O'Neil! O'Neil!

I'm right behind you, Duncan.

Shut up! I told you to shut up!

You're not telling me nothing.

Listen to me. I won't let anyone hurt me.

I want... No! You listen to me.

I want a car.

No cops! All cops outta there!

All right, drop it, Beckloff.

No!

Give it up, Beckloff. We got you surrounded.

Get back or I'm killin' somebody!

Okay. Okay. Here... Here comes my gun.

No.

Now, I'm coming out to talk to you.

I don't want to talk.

All right. He can't cover us both, Patty.

Now, Beckloff, the woman behind you is a marksman first class.

I'm telling you, keep back!

Relax.

Don't get any cute ideas.

You do, and you'll be brain-dead...

before you finger pulls the trigger, right, Patty?

Stay back. I'm telling you!

All right, let it go, Beckloff.

No one needs to die today.

There's nobody here!

There is nobody here!

You lied to me! There's nobody here!

You wanna walk outta here today, don't you?

Shut up!

You take one step towards me, and you eat it!

We're going up the stairs.

Beckloff is gonna give us the gun.

You're crazy, man!

And all our heartbeats are going back to normal.

Isn't that right, Beckloff?

Keep away from me, I tell you!

Listen to me! Listen to me! I'm telling you!

I'm talking to you, damn it!

- Please! - Come on. Let's go.

Patty?

Patty, Patty!

Patty!

I'm trying to find my partner here. Uh, Patty!

Patty O'Neil!

Duncan, come on. Come on.

Can you answer that question, Officer?

Duncan.

Duncan, listen to me.

Officer Patty O'Neil was killed on a drug bust 12 years ago.

No, that was her partner, Ramirez.

Ramirez took his own life... afterwards.

Blamed himself for O'Neil's death.

I can show you the files if you don't believe me.

Okay, Duncan, we'll work this thing out.

Don't worry.

Right now, I just want you to go home.

Get some rest.

Well, you were a lot better-looking than Desoto.

You can tell him I told you that too.

No one can ever say that our last episode was a total loss.

For as you remember, we learned beyond a doubt...

that Bullwinkle really takes the cake...

when it comes to baking a cake.

What do you mean, where are the onions?

I thought you were baking a cake, Bullwinkle.

Well, pity sakes, I am, but...

You put onions in a cake?

No. And we're out of onions.

You used the last one on your corn flakes this morning.

Darn!

Kid, this stuff is funny.

Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny!

The only thing is, it ain't "chicken" funny.

- But, Mr. Marvin... - I got an image, kid, see?

I gotta be careful about my material.

Mr. Marvin, your ex-wife. She wants the poodle for Sunday.

Her poodle day is Saturday. She knows that. Negative!

Mr. Marvin, I know I could have some chicken-funny jokes...

- by next week, if you could just advance... - Next week? Next week?

Kid, in this biz you gotta be faster than that.

Mr. Marvin, your analyst called. Wants to cancel today's session.

- Why? - He's too depressed!

Get outta here, you moron.

Kid, let me give you some advice.

You're gonna have a lot of doors slam in your face.

You gotta stick with it.

Persevere. Don't take no from anybody.

- Then you'll use my stuff? - No.

Countersign: Salt Lake City.

Come on in, 99. The door is open.

Hey, Max.

99, what are you doing here? It's after 10:00.

Oh, I was restless and I thought I'd take a walk.

You should be careful. It's not safe for a girl...

This is Herb from the Eagle Finance Company.

This is positively your last warning.

It's called pay up or pick up.

Billy, this is Mama.

Are you eatin' good?

You eatin' your vegetables?

Are you takin' your vitamins?

Billy, this is Mrs. Luthaker, your landlady.

Remember me? You know, the witch!

Either you pay your rent by Wednesday...

or your butt's on the sidewalk.

And turn that TV off!

It's on night and day. You...

Suppertime.

You're lucky I'm not a vegetarian.

Otherwise, I might eat you.

- Hello? - Billy Burliss?

Hey, hey!

It's a pleasure to speak to a man with talent.

This is Dick Castel over at Easy Come, Easy Go.

I was just cleaning out my desk when I came across your script.

Funny, guy. Very funny.

Listen, Billy, one of our writers was just committed,

and we need to find a replacement pronto.

Have you got a sample three-camera, family-hour sitcom script I could read?

Uh, no, not really.

Too bad, babe. We make our decision tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Okay. I'll write one tonight.

Tonight? In one night?

In 23 years I've never...

Just give me a chance. I'm sure I can do it.

I'll see you first thing tomorrow morning.

- Ciao, dude. - Ciao.

Yeah!

Yes!

Ahh!

High five, Louie!

Billy Burliss has done it again, folks.

Mrs. Luthaker, you'll get your rent.

Witch!

Billy Burliss.

Yeah!

Face it, Billy. You're too slow.

Too slow.

You haven't even finished the first half of the first act.

He's right.

A sitcom can't be written in one night.

Not by me, anyway.

Sent by special messenger, no less.

Hey. I haven't forgotten a birthday or an anniversary, have I?

- Of course not. - I wouldn't let you.

- Easy Come, Easy Go. - Hello.

Um, Mr. Dick Castel please.

Uh, Billy Burliss calling.

Yo, Billy.

Uh, hello, um, Mr. Castel.

Uh, I-I won't be coming by today.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, guy.

Yeah, well, I guess I'm just not...

Billy? Hey, Billy, are you there?

Billy?

Hey, my man. Billy?

Are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

This is good.

As a matter of fact, it's great. And so fast.

I never heard of a script being written so fast.

- You? - Me?

- Yeah. - Never.

Kid, you're a genius.

I have a script here that needs a total rewrite.

We start shooting first thing in the morning.

For you... it should be a breeze.

I'm in love with a girl named Thalia Menninger.

A beautiful girl, a fine girl.

The only trouble is she likes money.

- Who's there? - Now she's not a gold digger, mind you.

No, no. She's just kind of greedy,

grasping, avaricious, mean, selfish, miserly.

Fine girl, you understand. Wonderful girl.

Whoever you are, you can come out now.

Unfortunately, I haven't got money.

What I've got is love. Boy, have I got love.

I really liked the stuff. I did.

Do you think Thalia's impressed?

No, she keeps making eyes at Milton Armitage.

Some piece of cake.

What am I gonna do?

Drat!

Where's the blot-out?

Thanks.

Aaah!

"Plague,

plane,

"plankton, plants."

"Clerodendrum receptivus."

Rapid dragon vine.

Common variety of leafy floral...

"that requires little water, but inordinate amounts of sunlight."

Sunlight?

But you don't get any sunlight.

The only light you get is from...

I don't believe this.

The painter's almost finished the mantel.

Almost finished? Almost finished?

It is finished. That's it!

He likes it that way.

He thinks it's a work of art.

He's even signed the darn thing.

So think of it as a conversation piece.

Billy Burliss. Barry Wernick, Associated Agents.

- Uh, bu... - Shh, shh, shh. Don't talk. Save it for a script.

If you're as fast as they say,

I'm gonna have you the hottest writer in town.

- But... But I... - Oh, work with me, Billy, will ya?

I knew that last punch was gonna work.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

Because she always invites your ex-boyfriends to dinner.

That's it. Yeah.

Yeah.

But I like this color. I've gotten used to it.

But, honey love, you're color blind!

There. Ahh.

A little more room to wiggle your toes in.

And how do you like the new TV?

Color. Color.

Well, pal, I owe it all to you.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You know, you're my best friend.

Look, I was thinkin'.

You need a name.

Maybe something distinguishing like...

F. Scott Philodendron.

Okay. Okay.

What about uh, Leaf Ericson?

Andy Devine?

What would you like?

Well, I'll be.

Lucy.

How about that, folks?

Is that entertainment or what?

Come on, let's put our hands together...

and hear it for the funniest show on TV,

Easy Come, Easy Go.

Change the channel. Change the channel.

- Hi, neighbor. - This is it. This is it.

- Turn it up. Turn it up. - Welcome to Easy Come...

- Easy Go. - Don't drink so fast.

The timing on this joke right here was all wrong.

Now this next joke, this works.

I don't know if I can do that.

You guys'll have to carry it.

Billy. Billy.

Billy, my man! There he is!

We were in the neighborhood and just had to drop by and say hello.

These are my pals. Georgio.

You are a genius. A genius!

- That's Oliver. - Very pleased.

And last... but certainly not least, Tina.

Oh, we're so happy for you, Billy.

Uh, it was really nice of you guys to drop by,

but I have a awful lot of work to do.

Kid, enough.

All work and no play?

I think it's time to party.

- We're dying to corrupt you, Billy. - He'll come around.

Listen to her, kid. She can do it.

Lucy, stop it.

These are party people.

Uh, I'd really like to...

- Okay. - All right. Yeah!

Where are you taking that cute plant?

Uh, it needs air.

Air?

Oh, Billy, come on. Would you stop?

These are my friends too. I'm just gonna party a little bit.

Are you okay out there? Or what's the problem?

- I'll be right there. - Okay.

Party!

Lucy, would you stop? Would you stop?

Why are you acting this way? Why?

These are my friends too. It's just a dance.

We're just gonna party for a little bit. Lucy...

Would you... Will you stop?

I'll be right back.

I'm ready.

There he is. There's the guy. Yeah!

- Let's go. - Let's go. Party!

- Come on, Georgio. - S�, s�, s�.

I'm gonna handle this.

Toody'll wind up organizing a committee for it.

Yes, sir.

Party.

Time to wake up, Lucy.

We're under contract to half the city.

Lucy?

It hurt me.

Lucy!

- Who is on first. - What are you asking me for? I'm...

What's the guy's name on first base?

- What's on second! - I'm not asking you...

We were a great team, weren't we?

You know, Lucy, I never realized how much fun we had together...

writing scripts, watching TV.

You were special.

You were my friend.

You even tried to warn me about life in the fast lane,

how it would change me.

And what did I do?

I ignored you.

Well, I better get back now,

try to go on.

Maybe something good'll crop up.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy!

Yes, we're scheduled for 13 weeks following the pilot.

No, we're no longer...

Mr. Burliss. Those letters were completed this morning.

The scripts are being sent out now.

As you requested, I declined the European junket.

I sent regrets for the gala premiere,

and frankly, Mr. Burliss, maybe getting out of the house...

for one of these events wouldn't be a bad idea.

Okay, girls, let's hurry up!

I Love Lucy reruns tonight!

Lucy Mae, let's do it.

Lucy Lee, Lucy Ellen... I loved the rewrites.

Loved it!

What have you got for me, Lucy Alice?

I love this! I love this!

"I'm not the pizza boy. I'm not the pizza boy."

I love it. I love... This is timing.

Look at this. This is timing.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Let's work.

Billy!

Billy!

There you are!

Where do you think you're going?

Out. Out where?

- Outside! - Have you done something around the house?

- It's Saturday! - And on Saturdays,

you have to help around the house before you can go out.

The rug needs vacuuming. You can vacuum the rug.

Mom!

The vacuum's in the closet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I don't know why I put up with this stuff.

Chip Bunster doesn't have to vacuum.

Mike Wilmot doesn't have to vacuum.

Oh, vacuuming makes me barf.

Where's the stupid vacuum cleaner anyway?

Would you look at that?

With the Wombats.

Running, passing, I, for one am really surprised at this game.

Those Wombats just creamed their last opponent.

But today's another story.

Well, the Wombats have looked better, that's for sure.

In fact, I think this qualifies as...

one of the biggest blowouts in the season.

- Who'd have thunk it? 37 to three and... - Bad dog.

Bad dog! Bad, bad boy.

I don't know what it is, Ernie. Maybe his diet. I don't know.

Mmm, boy.

Tender, beefy chunks.

Just about the best meal your dog could ever want.

There's nothin' quite like meat by-products...

to satisfy those canine cravings.

Right, King?

Oh, all right, you want your food?

I'll get your food! Why not?

It seems to be the sole reason for my existence on this planet lately.

Feed the dog, feed the cats, do the dishes,

wash the clothes, iron the clothes!

Do I have dreams? Do I have aspirations?

No, but I have a toilet bowl that's springtime fresh,

and I'm pleased as punch to be a short-order cook to a dog!

So, here!

Oh, no, you don't. Not today, buster.

You wanted food, and I gave it to you, and now you're gonna eat it.

So, eat it.

Eat it!

That's better.

Bleh.

Lainey Lou says, "Where's my baby?"

Where's Mary Ann?

Where's Mary Ann? Where is Mary Ann?

There she is!

Hello, Mary Ann.

Was you a good baby?

You need some panties and shoes and... and your coat.

And... It's raining outside...

and you need you... jammies.

All you need is your... underpants!

Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

Dog tried to bite me! The dog tried to bite me!

Dog tried to bite me!

Uh, look, I'm trying to watch the game, sweetheart.

The dog tried to bite me with his teeth! His teeth!

With his teeth, Daddy!

Mommy! The dog... The dog tried to bite me!

Just look at what that dog of yours did to my favorite slippers.

Well, it's that cheap damn dog food you buy him. Gives him gas.

What makes you think it's cheap?

What do you mean "that dog of yours," huh?

- It was your idea to get him. - I finished vacuuming.

- Can I go outside now? - Oh, no, you're not pinning this one on me!

- Mom. - What do you mean?

- You said, "Honey, we should get a dog." - I finished vacuuming.

I wanna go outside.

- Now! - I know. I know.

I wanted something low-maintenance, like a cat.

A cat is not low-maintenance.

Dog tried to bite me!

- I'm done. - Thank you so much...

He's whizzin' on the carpet, Dad.

Intercept... and it's a beautiful punt.

Right through. And it's a touchback!

A space movie?

No, honey. Uncle Bud's movies of last Christmas.

- Is it Christmas now? - No, honey, it's no...

Hey, look. Can we just watch the movie?

Please? Hmm?

- Howdy, folks. - That's me, mommy.

- That's right, honey. - - That's me in this movie!

That's... That's right, honey.

That's me up there in the movie!

Okay, honey.

Oh, geez, would you look at that dog?

Stupid dog.

That was a mistake.

Can I get a soda, Mama?

You just had a soda, sweetheart.

Can I get a soda, Daddy?

You just had a soda, honey.

- I want a soda. - After the movie, honey!

Hey, boy. Look. Look, that's you up there.

That's you up there, uh, dog.

That was a mistake too.

Oh, no. Oh, please. Stop the projector.

No. No, this is good. Turn it off now, Skip.

Hey, come on. Please, Bev.

- Ooh, baby. - Whoa.

Oh, come on. It's a good present.

He cannot be stopped!

Next year, we're getting him a book.

- Oh, geez. - Oh, look.

- You look nice. - I look stupid.

I say, "Hello there."

You've worn it a few times since then, I notice.

Skip.

- Oh, yeah. Remember that? - Mmm.

Bad dog.

We had to go out for pizza, remember?

Pizza for Christmas dinner.

It was a... good pizza.

We saw a movie of a... of a movie of a movie...

with a wolf in it... with a wolf in it,

and-and it got the bunny.

And the wolf got a money... I mean, a bunny.

Oh, the wolf ate the bunny, huh?

Yes, it was dead.

Buffy!

Uh-oh. Man the pumps.

You stupid dumbhead "nong-nong."

Every night she does this!

Billy, what did I say about yelling at the table? Hmm?

I wouldn't have to yell...

if she wasn't such a stupid, klutzoid, dumbhead "nong-nong"!

- Something new! - What's that?

A recipe I found in Suburban Paradise Magazine.

Tater pops and cheese whip.

Enjoy.

Mmm, boy.

Uh, we're finished out here, honey.

What do you say we all go out for dessert and a movie, huh?

Finished? You're finished?

Already?

- But we can wait while you... - I've had enough!

I mean, I'm so full, I, uh, I couldn't eat another bite.

I'll get my coat.

- Yeah! - Yay!

Hold still, sweetie. One more button.

Careful, honey. Don't run!

I haven't seen a good movie in ages.

I like a good musical comedy with a plot. A whodunit.

A whodunit with a good dance number, I don't care.

The door isn't locked.

No, I remember locking it. I'm sure I locked it.

Look!

I think somebody broke in!

- Wow! - Wow.

Not a chance. The dog was here.

Oh, my God. They've taken the coffeemaker.

No, no. The dog was here.

Mommy, the "bofa" is gone.

- But the dog was here! - Wow!

It looks like they got the whole stereo system, Dad!

But the dog was here!

Weren't you? We don't expect too much from you, do we?

Not really, no.

All we expect is for you to be a dog,

which means you eat and sleep...

and occasionally keep the stupid house from getting robbed!

But I'm going to give you another chance.

One more chance.

You look great, honey.

Thanks. I had my tips frosted.

I am the barf man.

Billy, stop teasing your sister.

Uh, my name's Skip Binford.

I'm here to see Ms. Lestrange.

Thank you.

Do you like what you see?

I'm Gert� Lestrange, administrator of this facility,

and this is my assistant, Ronga.

Oh... I... I...

I think you will find our methods most effective.

Our success rate is close to 100%.

If we can't transform your dog...

into a quivering, snarling, white-hot ball of canine terror,

then we will grant you a full refund, of course.

Uh, well, actually...

You wish a demonstration. Most certainly.

Angel.

Angel, come!

So what's the big deal?

He doesn't look like a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball of canine terror to me.

Cash or charge?

- What are we gonna do? - I don't know. I don't know!

He's turned into a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball of canine terror!

We're gonna have to make a break for the car.

- Count of one? - No, two.

No, three!

- Okay. Three. - One, two three!

And now, back to Days of our Soaps.

Wade has always loved me.

He married you for your money!

Liar! Liar!

How dare you slap me?

How dare you slap me back?

Freeze!

What are we gonna do?

Let's tie him up.

Good boy! Good little doggie!

We sure showed him, didn't we?

We sure showed the nasty coppy-woppy, yes.

This is gonna work out just fine.

The Dog Gang? How humiliating.

Where do they get off calling us The Dog Gang?

I'm beginning to think the party's over.

I'm beginning to think maybe we don't need a dog.

Or maybe we need a new dog.

Or maybe we need a cat!

Hold it. Reach for the sky.

No dog food tonight.

Nothing but the best for our little hero.

Good puppy.

Now I want you to just relax.

- And I want you to enjoy your meal. - Dog, dog, dog, dog.

And I want you to get a good night's sleep.

And I want you to take out the trash.

Poopy baby wants some food too.

I hate that doll.

Come on, you guys. It's way past your bedtime.

- But, Mom! - Billy!

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ♪

- But, Mom! - No grief tonight, buster.

- Go brush your teeth, right now. - Okay.

Honey. Honey.

The front door is locked.

Could you come down and...

Ah, I'll have to get in through the back door.

No, no! Stop it! Down!

It's me! It's... Bad!

It's me, you stupid animal!

No! No!

- Who is it? - My name is Watts.

I think I have something that belongs to you.

A silver pen with your name on it?

Where'd you find it?

You left it on the Manhattan Bridge about 45 minutes ago.

Thanks for your trouble.

Wouldn't you like to know what I was doing on the Manhattan Bridge at 1:00 a.m.?

No, frankly, I wouldn't.

If you don't mind, it's very late, and I'd like to go to sleep.

As a matter of fact, I was watching you dump somebody's body into the East River.

You're mistaken. That was old clothes.

Goodwill doesn't pick up anymore, you know?

Old clothes don't usually need a tire jack stuffed in with them to make sure they'll sink.

I was passing your building. I saw you putting the bag into the trunk of your car.

In my business, you learn to recognize the outline of a head and shoulders.

- So I followed you to the bridge. - Who are you?

A detective with the New York Police Department.

Very nice, the way you big deal Broadway composers live.

Who's that? Your father?

The greatest composer of music the American theater has ever produced... George Gershwin.

Nice piano. How often do you have it tuned?

Whenever I have to.

And, uh, how often do you wash your candelabra?

Look, Mr. Watts, you have no basis for your accusation,

so I suggest that unless you have a warrant...

Hmm.

"C", "C", "E", "E", "D", "E".

"C."

I always liked music. My family couldn't afford the lessons.

Oh, look at that.

Somebody spilled his bloody mary.

You wouldn't have liked him.

He was a total slime.

You better get your coat, Mr. Gillespie.

- I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you downtown. - You like music?

What do you think of this?

♪ Columbus sailed the ocean blue? ♪

That's cute. Is it yours?

- It is, and it isn't. - What does that mean?

- Had a partner. His name was Jerry. - I remember.

You guys were together a long time.

Yeah, we split up six months ago. We decided to work on our own.

I signed on to do a musical with Logan Webb, the producer.

Logan is a very impatient man.

Jo-Jo, we've got to have those songs by Wednesday.

Couldn't you at least let me hear a couple of them?

Listen, Logan, when I was working with Jerry,

he used to show our stuff all over town before it was ready.

By the time people saw the show, they thought they were seeing a revival.

Now that I'm on my own, things are different. You will see the songs on Wednesday.

Laurie's heard the songs. Laurie, tell the man.

- Uh, it's-it's his best work ever, Mr. Webb. - There. See?

It'll be the only cast in history to get their songs on the first day of rehearsal.

Don't you ever do that to me again. He knew I was lying.

Honey, you were sticking up for your fella. Think of it as a higher form of truth.

You're the best, baby. You gonna eat those strawberries?

Look who's here, old tin ear. Don't you know you can't afford this table since we broke up?

- Hi, Jerry. Think of a rhyme for June yet? - Stop it, Jo-Jo.

- Hi, Laurie. - Hi, Jerry.

I understand you're going to Aruba.

Where did you hear that?

Carmen, the cleaning lady, of course.

I thought I'd take a little time off to be by myself.

You're by yourself now.

I think Carmen, the cleaning lady, should stick to her vacuum cleaning...

and stop acting like a gossip columnist.

- Why don't you fire her? - Why don't you?

- No, you fire her. - That's why she'll always work for both of you.

Face it, Jo-Jo, you'd be lost without her.

- He's right, Jo-Jo. You do depend on her. - What?

I do not depend on her for anything.

Who the hell's side are you on, anyway?

Would somebody answer the phone, please? I am trying to work here.

Mr. Jo-Jo's apartment. This is Carmen speaking.

Ah, hello, Mr. Webb.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry. He just went out one minute ago.

But if you're calling about the songs, Mr. Webb,

they are the most beautiful songs I ever...

All right, Mr. Webb, I tell him.

Wednesday.

Well, you picked a great time, didn't you?

I've been working on this thing for three months,

and I don't have note one, and now you're leaving me.

Will you cut that thing off?

Honey, I'm so sorry I yelled at you.

I'm under a tremendous amount of pressure.

I've just gotta top Jerry with my show, honey.

Aw, sweetie, didn't we have a great time in Atlantic City?

What's happening, Carmen? Where am I going wrong?

I can't seem to write anything. I've lost my girl.

Mr. Jo-Jo, last year, when my little Perrito disappear, somebody say to me,

"Why you no go see Sister Teresa? She find your dog for you."

Carmen, I can't deal with this psychic voodoo nonsense.

But Teresa find Perrito for me, Mr. Jo-Jo.

She cure Ramon's asthma,

and she make Carmen fall in love with Ah Fong.

For a while.

Yeah, uh, I... I'm going for a walk, Carmen.

Make sure you lock up, all right?

Um, Sister Teresa?

Either she will come back immediately, or she will never come back.

Who?

Oh, forget about Laurie. What about my music?

- I'm totally blocked. - Music?

No, no, I cannot help you. I am sorry.

Music is too dangerous, too painful and too unpredictable.

- Too painful? - Yes!

It requires a total possession by the spirit of the master.

It is exhausting.

I'm too old for it. I must ask you to leave.

Sister Teresa, you've gotta help me.

- No. - Music is my life!

I feel like I'm losing my talent.

Why can't I write anymore?

Please, you've got to help me!

So you dried up, huh? That's one thing that never happened to me.

I couldn't write 'em down as fast as I could think 'em up.

"Fascinating Rhythm," "The Man I Love"... I never stopped.

And there's plenty more where that came from.

So what do ya need?

Well, uh, the opening tune. I need a snappy boy-girl duet.

He's a millionaire, and she's a reporter who...

Never mind the plot, nobody cares.

I got just the number. Listen to this.

- Not so fast. - Fabulous.

If the rest are as good as this, we've a hit.

Don't worry. I'm bringing in more tomorrow.

Uh, Bob.

Terrific tune, huh, Alan?

Better than anything he wrote with Jerry.

I knew he wanted to get off on his own,

but, frankly, I didn't think he was this good.

- I don't think he is. - What do you mean?

I know Jo-Jo's style. I've played every show he did with Jerry Lane.

He can't write like this. I'm telling you. This is someone else's.

Why, Alan, I'd almost think you were jealous.

Dinner for one again, huh, Jer?

Jo-Jo, did you know our shows are opening the same night?

No, I heard your show was in trouble. I thought you had a little book problem.

Really? I heard you were having trouble coming up with the tunes.

Time to dip into the old trunk, eh, Jo-Jo?

Trunk, schmunk! They're the best tunes I've ever written.

I'd love to play you one, except you'd steal it.

Oh, you're right.

You always were the one with the best ideas, the most... talent.

Would you do me a favor? Would you listen to one of my songs?

- From your actual show? - Mm-hmm. I'd like an honest opinion.

It's the love song.

It's really just great, Jer. I love that.

♪ The sand and the dune and the sea? ♪

I'm moved, Jer. I'm really moved.

♪ Ticklish toes Keep dancin' with me? ♪

Oh, that was really good, George. Only two more to go.

Mr. Jo, you must go home. This is killing me.

I told you. Music always do this to me.

My heart... My heart can't stand this.

Teresa, we're so close. Don't fail me now.

- Pepi. Pepi! - Forget Pepi!

George, do you hear me? George, we only have two more songs left!

Pepi! You must go now, Mr. Jo.

- Go? - Can I have the $15?

Listen, sonny. I gotta have one more session with your mommy.

I don't care what it costs. I'll give you, uh... I'll give you $100.

I gotta have two more songs.

A hundred dollars?

You call back tomorrow, okay?

God bless you. I will never forget you.

I love you.

Ethics? What are you talking about? Ethics.

I'm talking about representing yourself as the composer of another man's work.

This is none of your business, Alan!

Is that what you're going to say to Logan Webb?

You make me sick, Jo-Jo.

For eight years now, I have watched you ride Jerry Lane's coattails,

and steal ideas from every composer in this town.

But this time, you're not going to get away with it.

It's time somebody blew the whistle on you, and I am just the guy who...

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Oh.

♪ Ticklish toes Keep dancin' with me? ♪

Well, great stuff, huh? Hell, I'm the new Gershwin.

Oh, this show is gonna run for years.

How much can a guy make on a show that runs for years?

On my last show, I was making, uh, about 10,000 a week.

Oh, more than I could possibly spend.

Tell me, Watts, how would you like to acquire an interest in a hit Broadway show?

Meet a lot of pretty girls, find a dividend check in your mailbox every month?

It wouldn't cost you a thing.

I've always loved show business.

Enough to forget what you saw on that bridge tonight?

What do you say? Ten percent of my share?

Half of your share? I don't see how I could refuse.

It's nice to know greed isn't confined to the arts.

- Then it's a deal. - Mmm.

I think I'd like a drink. How about some champagne?

I think a toast is in order.

Your friend Jerry has stars in his eyes.

The theater's been good to you boys.

The muses are fickle, Watts.

Let's see if he has stars in his eyes when his rotten show opens next week.

Did you ever have one of those days?

Life is unpredictable, isn't it?

And the muses are fickle.

If I Discovered You should turn out to be a disappointment at the box office...

- Yes? - Naturally, our deal is off.

I'll drink to that.

This is Trish Tarleton, Entertainment Tomorrow.

We're here at Sordi's, talking to two songwriters...

who used to be Broadway's hottest team.

- Fellas, what happened? - I'll tell ya what happened, Trish.

I was sitting at the piano one day,

and I saw this guy asleep on the couch, as usual.

I said, "For this I'm giving up 50%?"

Well, I'm not going to stoop to Jo-Jo's level of personal vindictiveness.

But, uh, let me just say that after five years of his irresponsibility,

his pettiness, and his incipient alcoholism...

Oh, uh, don't forget to mention nail biting.

And now each of you has a show opening exactly one week from tonight.

No, that's really not quite accurate, Trish.

I have graciously decided to postpone the opening of my show for one night.

Oh, really?

Well, that way the critics can cover both shows. How nice.

Now, Jerry, I understand you've got something else to celebrate.

Isn't there an engagement in the wind?

Oh, well, Trish, no secret is safe from you, is it?

There's the lucky young lady right there.

- Laurie McNamara. - What?

You creep. How long has this been going on?

About a year.

I'm counting on an early dinner tonight.

- How come? - The show will probably close at intermission.

I'm sure Jerry's score is a real piece of... cake.

- Hey, Jer. - Hi, Jo-Jo, glad you could make it.

I cannot wait to hear "You're My Anything" tonight.

What? Oh, that!

You're such a jerk. That was a joke!

You invited Carmen to your opening?

Well, sure. She's part of the family.

Curtain going up. Oh. Oh, go ahead.

I'll see you inside.

Teach me about show business.

Why did you let Jerry open his show before yours?

Well, because my success will taste sweeter in the wake of his failure.

I hope you brought something interesting to read.

That sounds familiar.

Sister Teresa? What is she doing here?

Jo-Jo, what's our song doing in this show?

I have no idea. Where are you going?

To cancel our opening, and to call my lawyer.

One of you guys is in big trouble.

Listen, Watts, this doesn't mean... We still have a deal, right?

The muses are fickle, Jo-Jo.

Hi, honey! I'm home.

Hi, Dad. Mom's not home yet.

Randy?

I found it in the backyard... a dead diamondback rattlesnake.

Get that out of here before your mother gets home.

But it's got eight rattles.

Get it out of here.

You know how your mother hates it when anybody drips snake venom on her carpet.

A-And Randy,

where did I ask you not to park your bike, hmm?

Get rid of that thing!

The prospectus on this place said absolutely nothing about poisonous wildlife.

- Are you all right? - What else have we got to look forward to?

Honey, maybe you should start your leave of absence a little earlier.

Oh, no, I'm okay. I'm just a little tired. That's all.

Starts downfield, but is tackled.

Late in the third quarter...

film presentation has been rated "R"...

and not suitable for children under the age of 16,

as it contains violence, graphic sex and strong language.

Put it back.

- Parental discretion is advised. - Thanks for fixing the remote.

Mommy knows you're there. You don't have to keep kicking her all the time.

Al?

Al?

Coyotes, honey. They're just howling at the moon.

First rattlesnakes, then coyotes. Now earthquakes?

Oh, no!

Coyotes, honey. They're just howling at the moon.

First rattlesnakes, then coyotes. Now earthquakes?

Oh, no!

Defense! Defense!

What do you call it when you feel like something has happened before?

D�j� vu.

I felt it too.

The coyotes... They stopped.

Mom, Dad, look!

There's somebody moving around in there.

Maybe somebody's moved in.

That's impossible. The house is only half-finished.

- Maybe they're working nights. - Maybe it's burglars!

Maybe I should check it out.

Okay! Let's go!

Randy, you stay right here.

The "For Sale" sign is gone.

Hello?

Is everybody okay in there?

They came from the house next door.

Randy. Randy, I thought I told you to stay inside.

Weird.

Well, I... I, uh, guess they're all right.

Come on. Let's... Let's go, okay?

What is that man doing?

Oh, I guess he's just... probably just getting out his frustrations.

You know, like when I go to the driving range.

Come on. Come on, son. Let's go.

We'll find a more opportune moment to... to meet the neighbors, okay?

Say... Say, did I ever tell you about that time that I was on the 18th hole...

Randy, whatever are you doing?

Mom, these guys are strange.

Young man, in this family, we do not spy!

- Get down. Come look. - What is it?

Hmm.

Totally weird, right?

What's so weird about sitting in your own back yard?

In dining room chairs? In the dirt?

Hey! What's going on?

Come see our new neighbors...

Zombie-oids from Dudley Drive!

Man, are they ever bizarro.

Oh, Randy, neighbors are always strange.

Those are the rules.

Hmm, well, let's get dressed and go out and meet our new neighbors, hmm?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello. I'm Nell Lewis.

My husband, Al. We're your neighbors.

We thought you had a little... little problem last night.

I came over to make sure you were all right,

but I guess you didn't hear me knock.

Hi, Al. My name is Ted Hellenbeck.

This is my wife, Ann. This little tyke is my son, Brad.

Brad Hellenbeck. He's a real chip off the old block.

Glad to know ya.

So, where are you guys from?

- When? - No, where.

- You're not from Arizona. - How do you know that?

Well, your accents, for starters.

You must be from New York, right?

And you are pale.

But I guess if you get outside like this every single day,

you won't be pale for very much longer.

So what do you do?

Uh, I mean for work.

I, uh, vivisect information.

Oh. Any particular kind?

Sociological substructures.

Ann is a cataloger.

She's working on a list of atomic deformities...

in the rare earths.

Or she was.

When are you birthing?

June. He'll be a Gemini.

Just like Al.

Gemini?

I thought this was Arizona.

I brought you these.

Roses. Roses.

Oh, I can't believe it.

It's been a very long time since I saw a rose.

Not since I was a child.

And she ate two of them,

and she fed one to her son before I had a chance to stop her.

Then she thanked me, and she said she was gonna save the rest of them till later.

Don't tell Randy. He already thinks they come from Mars.

Randy may just have something there.

First we had the rattlesnakes. Then we had the coyotes.

And then the earthquakes, and now them.

Honey... Honey, did you see a moving van yesterday?

And they don't have a car.

Okay!

Dinner in five minutes!

- What is it? - Meat loaf.

- Does it have little chunks of onions in it? - Yes.

Yuck.

I'll find a good excuse.

Right.

Now I wonder what this does?

Okay, I've got you working. So what do you do?

- Dad! - Randy!

Randy, what was that noise?

- Dad! - What is going on, Son?

- What is... - Hurry! The seeker went off!

- The what? - The seeker! That!

What is that thing?

- It's a heat seeker. - What is going on?

- Al, do something! - Get things hot! Quick!

Hotter than body temperature! Now! Get back!

- There's another one! - Quick! Get something hot!

- I've got it. I've got it. - Watch out for your hands!

It's getting hotter. What should I do with it?

Mom! Drop it. Drop it.

Randy!

- Randy, behind you! - Get back!

Watch out, Randy! Get down!

- Randy, back up! - Randy, get out of here!

The oven, Randy! Get away!

Go into the hallway! Randy, go into the hallway!

Get behind me, honey. Get behind me!

It's gonna blow! It's gonna blow!

- Not the meat loaf! - Watch out!

Honey! You're burning!

Come on! Come on. Get hot. Get hot!

Come on. Get off. Get off, move.

Move!

- Dad, are you okay? - Honey, oh...

- My goodness. - What happened?

Maybe you should tell us what is going on here.

Is everyone all right?

Who are you people?

What is that for?

The wave traps.

If they break through, we see patterns in the water.

It happens if someone leaves or someone arrives.

Breaks through what?

Where are you people from?

Not where... When.

We're from the future.

A little over 400 years.

Last night, did you experience a, uh, repeat in time?

Coming from the future causes that.

We came here to protect Brad.

Having a family is very different for us than for you.

For us, it's scientific.

A genetic structure is obtained from the parents, improved and assembled in vitro.

No morning sickness,

no dangerous delivery.

No stretch marks.

All completely controlled.

Better than nature.

We live in a purified society.

No congenital deformities, no hereditary diseases.

- A population always... - Perfect.

But Brad is special, because he's not special.

At least, not scientifically.

He's an outlaw... born naturally.

You were the only pregnant woman I'd ever seen...

except for myself.

Brad's ours.

You can't know what that means to us.

I've got some idea.

How did you get here?

My job was studying the new millennium.

I had limited access to a traveler.

I destroyed it so they couldn't trace the signal.

I don't know how they found us.

They didn't find you. They found us.

You're right. We're the criminals.

Because of Brad.

We should go.

Go? Go where?

I'm sorry about your kitchen.

Don't worry about a thing.

Listen. We want to help you.

If you're gonna fit in here, you're gonna need a job. You're gonna need a car.

And whatever it takes, we'll be there for you.

- What is it? - Somebody's about to cross time!

They must have tracked us!

I found it in the trash.

I put it back together again.

That's how they tracked us!

We must go, now!

- Give that to me! - Dad!

- Give that to me! - Dad!

- Hey! - Take your hands off me!

Take your hands off me!

Ow. This is giving me pain.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

This is hurting.

You're safe now.

I'm really sorry.

They'll try and track us when we leave. We'll misdirect them.

Good-bye. And thank you.

Good luck.

Good-bye again.

Good luck... again.

Some night, huh, pal?

Well, I'll say one thing.

Sure were interesting neighbors.

Look at it! It's going up.

The three-legged race will begin in 15 minutes.

Come on over here and let me take your picture.

Anybody who's interested,

we've just made up some special lemonade over here,

so grab some cups and make yourselves at home.

There's plenty for everybody. Come on, kids.

She's so beautiful.

Here you go.

More bread, Mommy. I need more bread.

That's all, sweetheart.

Besides, I've gotta get back to start the Easter egg hunt.

You and Daddy can walk along the lake.

Mommy!

Now, Diana, you can stay with Daddy until the egg hunt begins.

Can I go with you?

Three-legged race in five minutes.

Come on over and sign up.

Diana?

You're such a big girl now.

I hardly recognized you when I got off the plane.

Diana, listen to me.

Will you listen?

I know you don't understand about war.

There's no way that you could.

That's why you have to believe me when I tell you...

I didn't want to leave you and Mommy.

I had to.

A lot of daddies had to leave their children because of the war.

But you were in my thoughts every day,

and in my prayers every night, you and Mommy.

And I'm home now, Diana, and I'll never leave you again.

I promise.

You remember our song?

Sure you do. "Lavender Blue"?

I don't... remember.

I don't remember.

Sprites. Sprites from Troop 416.

Please gather at the picnic area for the Easter egg hunt.

I've gotta go.

Come on, everybody. The hunt is about to begin.

Girls, come on in.

All right, everyone, gather round.

Okay, now, the eggs are hidden all over the park.

Oh, and there's one with something very special in it,

but that one's hard to find.

Okay. Everyone ready?

Yeah!

Then let the hunt begin!

Diana.

Good luck, honey.

I wish I could make her understand.

Give her time, darling. She's only eight.

I know.

Oh, boy.

It's beautiful.

You've got another 10 minutes, girls. Just 10 more minutes.

Go on. There are a lot of eggs out there.

Boy, she's got a basketful.

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Diana!

Hey, let's get that other boat in the water.

Come on!

We have covered the forest without luck.

We're afraid she may have wandered into the marsh.

The areas are marked, but she might have missed the sign.

What sign is that, Officer?

- Quicksand. - Oh, my God.

If she's there, I'm afraid...

Of course, we'll keep looking.

I'm sorry.

Oh, George.

My baby. My baby!

How can it end like this?

I don't know. I don't know, Kathy.

I don't know.

Lay back. Close your eyes.

Get some rest.

I'll check you in the morning.

- Oh, no, Kathryn. - I wanna write something, George, before I forget.

George!

You can work on it in the morning.

Oh, pooh.

Do you remember, George, that day,

after Diana disappeared?

Hmm?

I felt so sure she'd be found safe.

It's hope that never died, George.

Never died.

But sometimes false hope needs to be put to rest.

We've gotta tell people that.

Oh, Georgie.

It held us back for so many years.

I wanna write about that in the book, George,

about letting false hope go.

Look what the children sent you.

Ohh!

I should write to them.

In the morning.

I love them all.

- About the book, George. - Go to sleep, love.

False hope...

the need to let it go.

This should help ease her pain.

- George? - She's not going to die.

- Let her go, George. - No!

Now, don't make it hard for her to leave.

- It'll be easier for you... - The children need her!

She's very important to these kids.

And she's given them so much love,

and has so much more to give.

- It's not time. - The children still need you, George.

You can open the school again.

You can continue the work.

Not by myself.

She's the foundation here.

I can't do it.

I'm 78 years old.

I've never been alone in my life.

Kathryn.

Don't give up, Kathy.

Please don't give up.

Without you, I'm nobody.

Don't leave me here alone.

Daddy?

Diana?

It's me, Daddy.

Diana!

You look... different.

Like Grandpa Willoughby.

It's been 40 years, Diana.

How can you still look the same?

Annie!

Did you miss me while I was gone?

- Mmm! - How?

How can you look like this?

Well, you're real.

- Where's Mommy? - Mommy?

I came to see Mommy.

Mommy's sick, sweetheart. Mommy's very sick.

Who stays in my room now?

No one.

So many toys!

Who did all of these?

Did you and Mommy have more children?

No, we...

We could never have another child.

We opened a school for children.

We tried to give them...

the love that we could never give you after...

Oh! To see you like this...

Forty years, the same as you were that day at the park.

Daddy,

I'm sorry about that day.

I...

I do understand now, and...

I didn't mean to hurt you.

- Please forgive me. - Oh, God. Diana.

See? I never forgot.

Don't be sad anymore.

Ohh!

Now let's go see Mommy.

Kathy!

See who's here, love?

Kathy.

No. Not now.

Not now.

Kathy!

Not now.

Daddy, let her go.

You'll be with her again.

Yes, I will be.

I'll be with her again.

It never ends, Daddy.

It changes, but it never ends.

- We have to go now. - Wait!

- I'm going with you. - George, no.

You still have work to do.

Finish our book, darling.

I love you very much.

We'll come back for you when it's your time.

I love you.

Alan. Alan.

Alan.

Rise and shine, kiddo.

Down at Zuma you can find four-foot swells in pretty good shape.

But forget about Santa Monica.

Can't Pop invent something quiet?

Let's just hope he fixed it, honey.

Voil�!

As you ordered, sir... Over easy.

I'll get you some milk.

I had that dream again last night, Mom.

Oh, Alan, you're reading too many of these things, young man.

That's the problem.

You're right.

It's like something out of my Space Commando comics,

except more real...

like I was there.

Hey, could I have another egg?

I think we have to, Val.

I mean, we just can't wait until the last minute, honey.

It would be too cruel.

All right, I'll tell him tonight.

Hey, Dad!

All right, I'll tell him now.

- I asked for over easy. - Uh-huh.

And look what I got.

Y... Alan.

Uh, look, uh, Son, do you have a moment?

Sure, Dad. What's up?

Alan, we're moving.

- Moving? - Yes. I have a job opportunity.

Well, but you're a freelance inventor.

Well, yes, of course, I know.

But, uh, this is something I can't pass up.

We can't really talk about it now. You have to go to school.

We'll discuss it later, okay?

We just wanted to prepare you.

So, are we still on for tonight?

- Hi. - Hi.

Sure.

Alan, what's wrong?

Come on. Don't go spacey on me.

I can get that kind of behavior at home.

- Karen, we're moving. - Moving? Where? When?

Uh, will you come over tonight?

Sure.

Come on, Alan. You're my best friend.

Isn't that sweet?

Check out the odd couple.

A couple of lovebirds.

Just ignore them, Alan.

How can you ignore jerks that size?

That's it, Webster.

All yours, sweetheart.

Are you okay?

Thirty-five right, 16 left, 24 right.

Well, we always have telephones.

We can call each other any time we want.

It's not the same.

You know it's not the same.

There's summer vacations, student fairs and stuff.

Yeah.

Well, did your dad say you where you're moving to?

- No, he didn't. - Aren't you even curious?

Oh, who cares? It's away from you.

This thing is really neat. Too bad it can't be our science project.

Oh, I should have told you not to turn it on.

It, uh, overloads the circuits.

I'll be right back.

Hey, turn it off so it doesn't happen again.

Okay.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Alan, we're home.

One, two, three.

There's gotta be a way.

Three, one, two.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

- Good morning, sweetheart. - Hi, Mom.

- Did you sleep well? - Uh-huh.

- So, Dad. - Mm-hmm.

Invent anything... interesting lately?

Well, I can't say that I have, Son.

Not even... what's under the house?

I mean, I always knew you were a good inventor, but not that good.

What the heck is that thing?

Well, it's...

A space conveyor.

It's true, Alan.

- You built a space... - Conveyor.

- A space conveyor under our house? - Well, no. I...

No?

Actually, I built the house...

on top of the space conveyor.

I hate to ask this,

but what is a space conveyor?

It's a device that conveys people through space.

Through space?

Yes.

Well, how come you never told me about it before?

We weren't permitted to tell you, Son.

So, you see, planet observation is supposedly a lifetime post.

We've been here since you were a baby.

Oh. And then about a week ago, we were told we had to return to Alturus.

- Alturus? - Yes.

Alturus?

Mr. and Mrs. Alien?

And son.

When are we supposed to move?

Tonight.

Tonight?

Where is this... place?

It's about 85 billion miles away.

Can't we just move to Cleveland?

Alan, I'm afraid this... This isn't a joke, Son.

Okay. Sure.

We're going to Alturus.

Would you excuse me, please? I have to go pack my space suit.

- Alan! - Now, Alan, you...

You do understand that nobody else can know about this.

We weren't even supposed to have told you till just before leaving.

- Right. - Right.

Listen, I'm going back to bed so I can wake up.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Alan. Alan!

No. Uh-uh.

Son.

There's, uh, something your mother and I'd like you to look at.

I-I know that place.

- I've seen it. - Yes. In your dreams, Alan.

I don't know how you remember it.

You were so young when we left.

- That's Alturus? - Uh-huh.

Alan?

Here they are, folks.

The Alien family, together again.

Alan, I must say, I think you're taking this rather poorly.

Oh, really? Sorry to disappoint you.

Five minutes ago I was Alan Webster...

from Pacific Palisades, California.

Now I'm a life-form from the planet Alturus.

That's a pretty big change...

for a kid to have to go through, Dad.

Excuse me. I'm late for my last day of school.

Alan.

Alan, are you all right?

I've been looking all over for you. Where've you been?

I've been... driving around.

- You wanna go for a ride? - Sure. Let's go.

All right, after that stimulating set,

we're gonna settle in to a mellower groove.

Karen,

we've been close for a long time, haven't we?

Since first grade.

Shared our biggest secrets with each other.

Believed in each other,

even when nobody else would.

Well, then... I'm an alien.

I knew you wouldn't believe it.

Why should you? I wouldn't believe it either.

Karen, there's a spaceship under our house.

I mean, a space conveyor.

- A space conveyor? - Yes. Yes.

That's what we're leaving in...

to go to Alturus, 85 billion miles away.

Oh, what's the use? I sound like I'm crazy.

- Wait a minute. - Come on. Let's go.

I don't understand.

I believe you.

No. No, you don't.

But thanks for saying so.

I know I'll never see you again.

It's not fair.

It's just not fair.

Your ring.

Can you see it from here?

Mm-hmm. It's just left of Ursa Major, Alan.

Our sun isn't too far away.

And Alturus is the fourth planet from it.

Actually, it's a lot like Earth, you know.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I mean, the people look the same as they do here.

It's just the language that's different.

Different? How different?

I'm supposed to learn that? I can't even pass French!

You're gonna be very happy there, sweetheart. I promise you.

Can I watch the World Series there?

No.

Buy a pepperoni pizza there?

I'm afraid not, honey.

Can I see my friends there?

No, Alan.

But you can swim in a golden sea.

And you can watch the setting of two moons.

You can even take your own rocket sled to four different planets.

My own rocket sled?

You wouldn't even let me have a motorcycle here.

Sweetheart, it's not the end of your life, you know.

It's a whole new beginning.

We're all set.

- Oh, Alan. - Is this the bus to Alturus?

Ladies and gentlemen, we're leaving Earth orbit in three minutes.

Who are all these people?

Observers, just like us.

They've been stationed all over the planet.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're leaving Earth orbit in two minutes.

Guess what my parents told me tonight?

- Paint it. - Pardon me?

Yeah, paint it. I'd go with a latex too.

You know, when I went into the P.R. business,

I never realized it stood for "personal ruin."

Hey, hey, buddy.

- What, she break your heart or take a shot at you? - Don't ask.

- Hey, you want to talk about it? - I said don't ask, okay?

Well, come on, Joe.

What is it, your P.R. business, your clients or what?

My business. Hmm. What business?

What about the Garshbuller's Candied Dental Floss Company?

Ah, hit with a class action tooth decay suit.

And to be honest with you, I'm sick and tired of promoting the Blue Underwear Company.

Although at least, they're still in business.

But blue underwear... it turns my stomach.

Who wears blue underwear, huh? Am I right? It's offensive.

Well, yeah, okay, all right, but, uh...

Okay, how about that guy, uh, the swimmer?

Gadstone Simkins?

Don't ask. I get him write-ups in the New Yorker.

All the papers. He does interviews on radio, TV, the whole works.

A snowball of publicity, right?

'Cause he's a local kid gonna swim the English Channel...

backstroke.

Now that's a new twist.

So, is it my fault the guy swims headfirst into a rock the size of a truck...

a lousy 20 yards short of the Gallic shoreline?

And he's wearing blue underwear.

Stuff will kill ya.

Ah, gee, Joe, that's... must have been terrible. He okay?

Yeah, he's okay. Yeah.

He's as dumb as your socks now, but he'll be all right.

Gee. Well, I can understand how come you might be a little blue.

Don't say blue, please?

And you don't understand yet,

'cause I haven't done anything but play the overture here.

The clarinets are still cold.

Couple of weeks back, I go to my office.

What we're try to pull together here, Mr. Willoughby...

Is a contest. A beauty contest.

Hmm. Coffee, Miss Schroedinger.

Fast like a bunny.

I love contests. Just love 'em.

But no animals, okay?

I don't work with animals.

This is strictly people.

We want to call it the "Miss Stardust Contest."

I got you. You play up the whole galaxy angle, right?

That's big. I like it.

It's got nerve.

Well, I'm your man.

Now, who had the cream?

Just put it down, honey. The boys will tie their own bibs, hey, guys?

It's real cream, you know. Or maybe it's half and half and half. I forget.

You know, it's really stuffy in here.

Not exactly the theory of relativity, but she's a good kid.

Clean. Very clean.

The reason we looked you up is because we like the way...

you managed Mr. Simkins in the last couple of weeks.

Yeah. Too bad he had to make like the Titanic and suck surf, huh?

The point was, you had a fresh angle.

- Imagination. - Journalistic joie de vivre.

What?

Hey, you guys plannin' to pay up front, right?

Substantially.

It's a deal.

Wow.

So you had it made, right?

Yeah, things looked good. Real good.

Jumbo coin.

And then the day of the pageant... trouble.

Big trouble.

The cabbage showed up.

To the show. Places! Places! Two minutes.

You know, Mikey, it hadn't rained on that date...

since 1867 in this town.

But on the day of my contest, it pours.

I didn't like it. Bad omen.

But, hey, I had fun with it.

Well, what have we here? Kukla, Fran and 0llie together again, huh?

- Let's go, ladies. - Just tuggin' on your toes. Just tuggin' on your toes.

You guys must be the judges, huh? Joe Willoughby here.

Ow. Well, is the hour nearly at hand or what?

Pulchritude awaits us.

The perfect interstellar babe is knocking on heaven's door.

Let's go, girls. Come on, come on. Let's go. Places. Places.

Let's go. Hurry up. Come on.

Places.

Oh, that's some hot-looking storm there.

Mikey, all I can tell you is...

this thing was definitely not from New York.

At least not midtown Manhattan.

It was like a cross between Crazy Eddie and a produce department.

But there it was, big as life. And it spoke.

You're in charge?

It was the Green Grocer's fantasy.

And it was staring me down.

Very well. Since no one present seems capable of speech,

I shall state our case and depart.

- Your case? - Ah, verbal skills. Excellent.

Hear me well. This contest is declared void.

You have most inappropriately named this event the Miss Stardust Contest.

Your choice is more than unwise.

It is obnoxious, naive and insulting to a serious degree.

Is this understood?

Hey, go find yourself some corned beef, okay?

You are warned!

Who is this guy? What do you want?

One of two things... a change in the contest title,

because there's already been a contest with the same name...

or representation.

- Are you saying you got a copyright on the name? - We need no copyright!

We have the necessary potency to apply coercion to your world!

And do not strain our patience.

Somewhere in the back alleys and secret passages...

of my P.R. man's mind, Mikey,

it came forward, rushing toward my forehead... an idea.

An idea that was almost...

Perfect.

Tell you what, Cab-man, you got yourself a deal.

Now wait a minute.

This requires a little discussion.

Make your decision or perish forever.

Can I get anybody some coffee?

- Identify yourself! - Oh, I'm Joey's assistant.

I started out as a temp after earning a B.A. in liberal arts at Utah U.

I'm currently earning a competitive wage but eventually I'd like to get into...

Desist!

Joey's assistant has given me an idea.

To insure your honesty in this matter, I will detain her.

Wait a minute.

No way a brussels sprout bursts in and kidnaps my secretary.

Joey, is he serious?

Of course not.

Well, you live and learn.

Wh-What have you done with her?

She is in dimension 49,

locked within a compartment of the space-time continuum...

until I choose to release her.

Dimension 49, huh? What, she's not good enough for 50?

You flirt with vaporization.

I will transport my entries here with me.

I will inform the member units of the alliance...

and all with be here within the hour.

- Entries? - Several thousand.

- You gotta be kiddin'. - I note reluctance.

In that case, I will propose a compromise simple enough for even your comprehension.

Okay, fine. What's the compromise?

Three interplanetary contestants from your own solar system.

Fairness beyond this, you cannot expect to receive.

Yeah.

We'll call her "Miss Outer Space."

No! "The Girl With the Most Bodacious Antennas."

What do you say?

See you at the contest.

So, basically we mess up, we all get zapped into oblivion by a salad bar.

- Great! - That thing isn't playing, Willoughby!

What do you think happened to your secretary? Three weeks in Athens?

What are you gonna do, Joe?

If she's in dimension 49, I have no choice.

I have to dock her for the time's she gone.

But what about what the Cabbage Man said?

He said the fate of mankind hangs in the balance, right?

Well, that includes me, right?

Fellas, my fee just went up.

I know it may sound like P.R. hype, Mikey,

but I was dreamin' the big dream.

The one that's up in neon with backup singers...

that spells, "Look out!"

How do you figure it, Joe?

So you say this space creep has put your secretary on ice...

and he's gonna french fry the world if you blow it?

Joey, that sounds like a nightmare.

Maybe to a bartender it does, but not to a P.R. man.

Publicity, pal. I was getting the big one.

Set up another round and I just might tell you the rest of the story.

So, as long as you're asking.

This was some contest.

Wow.

But I'm tellin' you, Mikey, you'd have been real proud of me.

Even though I was terrified, I was poised... a regular cologne dispenser.

Hey, slaw boy, you made it.

By the by, what did you do to my secretary?

You melt her down, turn her into an asteroid or what?

My wards are losing patience with you "Eath" people.

Heed my words, "Eathian"!

Or the repercussions begin with a woman known as "Joey's Assistant."

Well, now, let's hear it for Miss Colorado.

Her hobbies are nuclear physics and deep sea fishing...

and who plans someday to teach auto repairs to old people.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we've a few late entries,

and they've traveled a heck of a distance to be here.

And we're thrilled that we don't have to pay the airfare for Miss Mars!

Oh.

What's that?

Ahh!

Get the hook!

Go back to Mars!

Uh-uh. Ahh!

And, uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, uh,

let's have a big hand for Miss Mars!

And now, Miss, uh, Venus, would like to play a little ditty for us.

It's something called "I Wanna Hold Your Clam."

Bravo!

This is highly unsatisfactory.

You will alleviate the situation...

or there will be increasing trouble for you.

Hey, how'd you like to French-kiss a grater?

I can't tell the audience what to do.

If Miss Mars is not chosen winner, there will be severe retaliation by her elders.

Boy, you are one humorless vegetable, you know that?

Why don't you give us a break, huh?

You created your own problem when you named the contest as you did.

- Face the music, "Eath-man." - Earth.

- And I didn't name the contest! - Beside the actual point.

Let's have a big hand for, uh, Miss Venus.

Ladies and gents, what can I say?

Here's a future mother of six,

Miss Jupiter!

Finish this contest quickly!

My wards are becoming violently ill at the sight of "Eath-people" en masse.

What're you talkin' about, ill?

Quite simply, they find your appearance surpassingly repugnant.

I have decided.

Miss Jupiter must be awarded first prize,

- in addition to Miss Venus and Miss Mars. - No way!

They can't all win! It's un-American! It stinks!

We do not like you, "Eath-man."

Earth. Earth. It's called Earth.

Not where I come from.

Mmm! We find you obnoxious to the mind and unwholesome to the eyes.

My wards and I will rejoice when they have all won first prize...

and we can leave your loathsome, "hideouth" presence.

"Hideouth"? "Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

"Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

You are all "hideouth"!

With the possible exception of the "Eath-woman" you call Joey's Assistant.

She has a certain... savoir faire.

Mikey, it's not every day a man can tell his friends...

he's hatched a plan to save mother "Eath,"

but that's exactly what I did.

I was gonna give that green geek and his orbit babes and added prize...

a hunk of trouble more "hideouth" than they could ever imagine.

Ladies and gentlemen, before we announce our winner,

I would like to add a very special award to the list of once-in-a-lifetime prizes.

You're gonna love this.

We already announced the loving cup, the car, the Hollywood contract,

one free year's servicing and chassis work at Aldo's House of Beauty.

But now... now for a really special prize.

One month vacation on the Mediterranean with none other than guess who?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Universe!

- No! No! No! - This is "hideouth"!

You! You attempt trickery!

Hey, it's our contest.

We'll give you first prize,

but we reserve the right to decide what first prize is.

Beside the actual point!

How dare you choose that creature to be Mr. Universe!

Are you unaware the universe contains more galaxies...

than there are stars in your own galaxy?

- Gimme a break. - Ahh! I will give you a cataclysm!

This deceit calls for drastic action.

I must call immediately on the Alliance of Galaxies.

Whooooo!

Ah! There will be a contest held in this building...

to decide who is really entitled to the name "Mr. Universe."

Just exactly what are you talking about in round numbers, huh?

There are approximately 7,595,000 base representatives,

which should give even a mind such as yours...

some idea of the insignificance of your planet...

as it rolls through the void.

So, what did you finally do?

It wasn't easy, I'll tell you that much.

It wasn't easy at all.

In fact,

to be honest with you, it isn't even what I did.

No. Mankind was saved by love.

It seems that old cabbage head had a real thing for Miss Schroedinger.

She got him off our backs when he asked her to get hitched.

Quite a wedding. Best man had suction cups.

They're on their honeymoon now.

Joe, I gotta be honest with you.

This story is the most unbelievable pile...

of a number between one and three I ever heard.

Come on, it never happened.

It never even came close to happening.

You're totally insane, and you owe me for those drinks.

So you don't believe me, huh?

Not in a million years. What, do I look stupid to you?

Here, that's for the drinks.

Oh, and by the way,

here's a little something for bein' nice, for listenin' to an insane man.

See you around, pal.

So long, Joe.

Hi, Joey! I sure hope everything's okay back home.

Personally, I never had such a fun honeymoon in my whole life.

All we do is play up here on the third moon of Ungareena Mycappia.

Of course, all the food is plaid...

and I miss the fresh air of "Eath" and everything,

but Cabby's been so nice to me.

And I always was a vegetarian!

Take it easy. I gotta go.

- Well, have fun. - Greetings.

I trust events transpire pleasantly down on "Eath," Willoughby.

Don't take any Varcon Fundiggies.