Original subtitles

Maeve is dead.

Maeve is dead. Maeve is dead.

More tea, three spoonfuls of sugar, and a crisp sandwich.

Go! - Maeve is dead.

We have that covered off, to be fair.

Can you explain to us what happened? Was she sad?

She had the name of a Welsh nightclub

tattooed on her forehead, so, no, not at all.

Had she mentioned anything?

No.

She was dying to get back, though.

So, how are you, Trish?

- My husband left me. - Told you.

I beg your pardon? She predicted it.

I'm sorry, darling.

I give myself a pain in the ass at this point.

Maeve is de...

God, it's so mad. I needed to go exactly here on the way down.

SIGHS Guys, you really don't need to come.

The moral support is lovely, but it's really not necessary.

I'm coming because I met her, Joy. Remember?

And that's what friends do. They support each other.

Besides, I wanna support my lovely Stan.

Guys...

...there's gonna be a funeral.

- Yeah. - I didn't bring any black.

Well, there'll be a shop down there.

A women's clothes shop in Bray?

Bray is a big town, Joy.

- We need to go back. - We can't go back.

I need black!

We're not going back.

KNOCK ON DOOR Ah! Come in!

There youse all. HE CHUCKLES

They sent me down to say hi.

Who died? HE LAUGHS

That's a good one.

I'm Maeve's cousin, Maurice.

Maurice, I'm Joy.

- Maurice. - What's your surname?

- Morris. - No, your surname.

- Morris. - Maurice Morris?

- Yeah. - OK.

- Can I sit down? - Please.

Jeez, you're all very sad-looking.

Well, it's a very sad day, Mr Morris.

You can call me Maurice.

It's a very sad day, Maurice.

Yeah, but you have to remember,

Maeve lived a very full life,

and it's hard to be too sad when you think of it that way, huh?

How are you able to find that perspective, Maurice?

You were with her when she got a forehead tattoo in Wales.

- In Holyhead, yeah. - Did that not say anything to you?

SHE EXHALES That she was a legend.

- She didn't tell you? - She didn't tell us what?

- Maeve was dying, lads. - What?

She'd got a severe diagnosis about three months ago,

came like a bolt out of the blue.

But she knew when she wanted to go, and she knew how she wanted to go.

She wasn't gonna go flying off

to Switzerland or one of them places.

She wanted to go here in Bray.

So she enlisted the help of a few friends.

You seriously didn't think

she was that mad about Welsh discos, did you?

MAURICE LAUGHS

Right. Let's go.

Get your drinking boots on and follow me.

Oh, my God, she's tight, isn't she? MAURICE CHORTLES

She's as tight as the top of a tin whistle.

MAURICE CHUCKLES, DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

She was dying.

JOY, SIGHING: God.

This session is full of fitties.

Shit, knowing your luck, you're probably related to them all.

Shh. - Mm-mm. I'll be your wing woman.

CHRISTIE STUTTERS

I'll be subtle with a silent "B".

No, don't. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't!

Hi. Do you guys know her?

Yes, we're Morrises. We're cousins.

So, how distant? Cos third's fair game, right?

- No. - Maeve was our aunt.

We're second cousins. Joy was her second cousin.

So you guys are like brother and sister.

It's a bit too much, right?

- Mm-hm. - Mm.

Excuse me, cousins.

You are being disrespectful!

I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Everyone's celebrating Maeve's life the way she wanted it celebrated.

- But you're being flippant. - And you're being melodramatic.

My second cousin died.

Did you know her, er, 48 hours ago?

- Yeah. - Did you KNOW her?

Or had you forgotten about her

until she actually reminded you of her existence in person?

Take your time.

- That's not the point. - Bloody totally the point.

You can play serious, that's fine.

But you have to wait until something serious happens to you,

otherwise, you are being disrespectful to the people

who actually knew her way better than you did

and are grieving for real.

And today, your job is to just put on a brave face.

So budge up and have a sandwich.

Hi, I'm Joy.

Sadness. Nice to meet you.

Oh. JOY CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Is "Sadness" an Irish name?

No. It's a joke.

Joy... - Oh, yeah.

JOY CHUCKLES WEAKLY

Are you a big sandwich man yourself?

God, no.

Would you like to dance?

There's no music.

Yeah, I guess.

Hi. - Oh!

We need a favour.

They want a cousin to speak at the funeral.

It's all tributes, no prayers.

I personally am a hardcore Catholic

and wouldn't mind bashing out a few decades of the rosary there.

But no-one wants to listen to Maurice Morris.

It's like my name is a joke.

It's like my actual name is funny.

You know how it is these days.

And another thing - I will be stoned, I know that.

And your other cousin thinks

one of the egg sandwiches has gone off.

He has a dicky tummy at the best of times,

so he doesn't know how the next 24 hours are gonna pan out.

And you're in the media, so...

Oh, listen, there's no way that I would be able... I...

Thank you so much for saying yes there.

It's so awkward that we're all still here.

Why are you still here?

I came to pay my respects.

Look, can you pay them and then go?

That's kind of mean. I liked Maeve a lot.

Also, I wanted to ask, what the hell happened the other night?

Between us. I mean, what was that, Joy?

Oh, that was a mistake, Stan. It was a mistake.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Look, I think Christie likes you, so you should go for that.

I won't breathe a word to a soul.

- Why is that bad? - Because...

The thing is...

I think I...

I have to tell her, Joy.

Hard pass on ever telling her. No, no, thank you.

No way. No, thanks. Next?

I can't lie to her, Joy.

Well, if you tell her, you're the bad guy,

and if I tell her, I'm the bad guy.

Then that's how it goes.

Well, could we not just tell her together?

Like, we literally say it at the same time,

you know, like, "One, two, three, go."

Yeah? OK, but not now, not here in front of everyone.

So can you just go and hide? Just go to the kitchen.

They're looking for sandwich-making volunteers.

I cannot look at large amounts of butter in one place.

I can't even smell it, can't look at it.

Can you just...?

OK, fine. PHONE RINGING

SHE SIGHS Hello?

OK, bye.

Will Dack posted another vlog about Ireland online last night.

Another update about the crazy woman

who took a baby and pretended to be its mother.

He remembers new details apparently.

The papers are calling Emer.

They're calling it "Dingogate". It's all gone bat shit.

'Pretty sure it's a global phenomenon,

'and I'm the ambassador who stamps it out.

Hashtag, "Let's End Baby Stealing".

Hashtag, "The Time Is Now". Hashtag, "Stand With Will".

TABLET CHIMING Oh. Huh?

'To what do I owe this goddamn pleasure?

'Where have you been, you absolute fugitive crazy person?'

Oh, what... what... what, what, what?

'Your phone doesn't even ring any more. What the hell?'

Yeah, er, it's sort of at the bottom of the Irish Sea, so...

'Joy, you need to issue a response. A clap back.

'You know, "I knew what I was doing all along," that kind of thing.

'You and Will Dack has got very "Biggie and Tupac".

'If you don't issue a response,

'any chance of sponsorship goes away,

'which means no channel, which means no income,

'which means... Well, you know what it means.

'We're all fucking broke.

'And I just bought one of those really expensive Hoovers

'with a see-through back

'that you hang on the wall and it recharges.'

- I understand. - 'Issue a response, Joy.

'You're Tupac.'

Joy's a goner. - What?

- She's gone. - Where's she gone?

She's just gone. She's not coming back.

Remind me what you do again.

I'm a lawyer. I've been working in the same office as you for ages.

And, Stephen, what do you do?

- Phillip. - What do you do?

- I'm a marketing guru. - What does that mean?

I've got a degree in marketing.

A d-diploma in marketing. - Yeah.

OK, guys, I've got some really good news for you.

What, is she coming back?

You're hired.

OK, Karen, I need you to generate content.

No, but I'm... I'm a lawyer.

Yeah, obviously, I'm not telling you that you can't be a lawyer,

but just not when you're here. OK, Stephen.

- Phillip. - Stop saying that.

- OK. - You heard of the word "unique"?

Of course.

Market that.

OK. I was just going to meet up with my mum.

Yeah, I'd probably pop a pin in that.

- Do I have time to call her? - I'd pop a pin in that, too.

- OK. - Er, question.

Where do I find content? What is it?

- Do you have a laptop? - Yes.

- Do you have internet? - Yes.

Question time's over, guys. OK?

I don't even care what it looks like, so long as it's black.

It's mainly jumpers and grout.

Hi.

Can I help you?

My client is looking for a chic, sensible,

breathable, grievable funeral outfit.

It must be black. Can you help us?

- Yes, please. - OK.

MUZAK PLAYING

Er...

What's he looking at?

Sir, could you not look there?

I can tell a woman's size by measuring her with my eyes.

Women prefer it this way.

It's less creepy than getting my tape out

and measuring all the relevant bits.

Cos this way is not creepy at all

Just doing the waist and now the flank.

Found one.

Perfect.

Changing room, please.

- Yes, please. - Oh, yeah. Just...

Yeah.

Just to let you ladies know,

I'm here to help you squeeze into and out of things.

Quite a lot of experience in that area.

I've seen it all. So don't be shy.

This is a family store.

Would anyone like a 99?

Christie, you don't have to stick around.

Honestly, you should just head home.

Have a free gaff.

You know, throw a party, just wreck the place.

Well, thanks, baby cakes, but I'm happy to be here.

Also, it's a nice excuse to see Stan.

Oh! Meanwhile, in fashion news,

saying hard yes to that dress, my friend.

Let's go.

Hey.

Have you girls ever heard of the internet?

It's unbelievable.

- Can we pay? - Yes, please.

Please. Please.

- Ooh, not a big mover. - I wouldn't say that.

- Oh. - Take your time.

Maeve was brave. Maeve was daring. Maeve was honest.

And Maeve would have wanted me to talk.

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING

ORGAN STOPS

Maeve was a... And I'm sorry, Father,

I mightn't be able to say this word,

but this is hardly a funeral at all, is it?

You've hardly said a word.

I haven't been asked.

Apparently, no-one wants to hear from the priest these days.

They just want to rent the hall.

So you may as well use the word.

- Well, she was a "cunt"... - Ah, now that's unacceptable.

She was a COUNTRY bumpkin, Father, if you'd let me finish.

And we all loved her.

And we all knew she was sick. She only had three months to go.

And she went the way she wanted.

So today is a celebration.

Though I'm absolutely rattling with the hangover

after last night.

Now, I... I couldn't let Maeve go without giving her one of my songs.

You know, some of you know she loved my songs.

Erm, I didn't have a lot of time on this one,

but it comes from the...

♪ Where are you gone?

♪ On the crest of that wave

♪ Where will you be when we fly

♪ Or drive?

♪ Oh, where Oh, where will you be?

♪ Not alive... ♪

Are you ready?

Oh, no, not... not really. I'm really nervous.

HE LAUGHS Who are you telling?

I'm so glad you're doing it.

You wouldn't get me up there for all the tea in China.

Are you allowed to say that?

♪ I'd sail cross the ocean If I took the notion

♪ That there I'd see you some more

♪ But I won't, oh... ♪

You always want to get it right, don't you?

To do the person the justice.

Good luck.

All I'm saying is, if I was asked, I wouldn't do it, no.

You know, if the shoe was on the other foot, like,

and you asked me...

...I'd be gone, on the bus.

Gone. Later.

♪ Maaaaaaeve

♪ Maaaaaaeve

♪ Where you gone, oh, Maeve...? ♪

And what if you forgot her name, you know? Or you burped?

Or you... you peed yourself?

Or you cursed.

You know, like, what if...?

Have you seen the ice cream truck outside?

# Oh, Maeve... ♪ Everybody, join in if you want.

♪ On the crest of a wave

♪ Maybe just out of reach. ♪

And now someone from the media...

whatever that means.

JOY CLEARS THROAT

Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

Sorry. Oh.

God, is there Wi-Fi here?

Network is "GodRocks", all one word, and no password.

God doesn't require it, he trusts you.

No, I'm just gonna shut that off.

It's my mum Facetiming. She's in Canada with my dad.

Oot and aboot.

- Oot and aboot. - Hi, guys.

Let us pray, I guess.

Let me have that bit, for God's sake.

Oh, sorry, you go.

Yeah, go for it, you go.

Let us pray.

Exactly. Deadly. Thank you, Father.

So, who was Maeve? What was she like?

Well...

...she had green eyes and red hair and...

...was very tall.

But you guys knew her better.

You know, I hadn't seen her in years.

I had one day with her as an adult two days ago,

and it was so much fun.

She was my second cousin,

and we were friends one summer when we were 15.

God, that was a great summer.

And that was it.

I abandoned Maeve. I didn't come back the next year.

I went to Brittany in France, which was crap.

Maeve and I are Irish women.

We're neatness hiding a mess.

We are good make-up over bad skin.

We are desperate to be liked, but we're afraid to be loved.

We're our parents, but we're still us.

We're all their good bits and all their bad bits,

baked into a cake that no-one's even sure they wanna eat,

least alone me.

We're our roots. We're the green, white and orange.

We're... We're Anne Doyle.

We're Mary Black. We're Niall Horan.

We're Phil Babb, and Zig and Zag and all of their Zogabongs,

and we're Bosco.

And we come out of the box, and we go, "Hi,"

and then we go back inside, and I love it

when he went back inside and you saw his really cute bed.

We're Michael Flatley's beautiful smile.

Or Jean Butler's hair and every one of her freckles.

Is she OK? - We're Johnny Logan.

We're Terry Wogan.

We're Bernard Brogan. We're Larry Gogan.

We're slit for our mocks,

but we're gonna get the Leaving Cert.

We're Nadine Coyle getting caught in a lie.

"What year did I say? Did I say 1984?

"Did I say the 25th or the 6th?

"Does that make me a Gemini?"

Maeve was brave. Maeve was honest.

SIGHS

Christie, I slept with Stan.

CROWD MURMURING

SIGHS I'm so sorry.

Well, turns out, I'm no good at predicting things.

I thought we were gonna tell her together.

I know we were. I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry.

For God's sake, Joy.

I would never have put the two of them together.

DOG BARKING

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING

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