Original subtitles

Hi, guys.

So, I'm back home, and I can't get Ireland out of my head.

I'm changed. I'm in turmoil.

I mean, firstly, I loved the place.

Then I met this chick, Joy.

And for want of another term, she steals kids.

I mean, she stole a baby and tried to pass it off as her own.

INHALES DEEPLY

Now, I know you guys know I'm pretty relaxed,

and most things are chill with Will, but stealing babies has me shook.

I mean, who steals a kid just to freak out their ex?

SHE SNORTS

Skinny jeans. Ugh.

HE SNORTS, MUMBLES

Ursula.

DOOR SLAMS

Joy!

Is Maeve coming out to play?

Oh, that is so weird.

Do you remember when we used to do that?

JOY CHUCKLES No, I used to do that.

You used to pretend you were doing just grand on your own,

with your nose pressed up against the window,

staring at us playing British Bulldogs.

No. LAUGHS

They were good times. - Yeah, that you watched.

Do you know one thing I will say, Maeve?

I bruise like a peach, and that game is Grade-A violence.

So, where's Stan the camera?

No Stan, no Stan. No Stan.

Just you and me going on a surprise adventure.

You've got to live while you can, Maeve,

cos once you're dead, you're dead forever.

You're really coming at me with the hard science this morning.

OK, quezzie time.

Name one thing we always wanted to do when we were younger.

SCOFFS Jason Priestly, for you.

You know, for me, in hindsight, Donna Martin.

No, go again. No people.

Get on The Late Late Toy Show and drive a mini car around the set

out of the studio and all the way home.

No, go again.

Er, afternoon tea in a posh hotel?

- No, go again. - Er...

- No more going again. - What are you...?

Oh, OK. Oh, this is all a bit 50 Shades Of Grey.

Will there be Jamie Dornan?

Sadly, no. THEY CHUCKLE

Yeah, it's a surprise, Maeve, so you're not allowed

to see anything else until it's actually happening.

OK, but can I just ask, is it sex-based?

Negator!

OK, so it doesn't involve Johnny Logan or Linda Martin?

Does it involve fencing?

Maeve, do you know what?

You're actually really crap at guessing things.

So I'm shutting that whole side of things down.

- Can I talk? - No.

Taxi should be here soon.

CAT MEOWS

DOG BARKING

PHONE RINGS Oh.

Oh. - I am so...

I'm so sorry. I'm... - So sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry about this.

Oh, I'll shut that down. RINGING STOPS

Joy? Joy, Joy, Joy.

Joy, answer your phone.

I know you're there because that's the nature of mobiles.

You can't just disappear when shit hits the fan,

and shit has hit the fan.

'Stealing babies has me shook.

'I mean, who steals a kid just to freak out their ex?'

Will Dack has fucked you on a global level.

Your reputation online is of an insane baby-stealer,

and we need to post something in response.

The longer we leave it, the worse it gets.

If we don't post something by the end of the day,

you've basically re-branded yourself as a combo of Fred and Rose West.

A two-headed, baby-munching gargoyle,

which rather limits sponsorship opportunities.

I think you'll agree. So call me.

KEYPAD BEEPS, PHONE THUDS

She's off the reservation.

Off the reservation with 150,000 followers.

Shouldn't you be setting up a search party?

Yes, a search party. Fan out, flyers, cover the island.

Cover the island?

I don't know, it felt right.

Look, she'll be back.

She's probably just sitting calmly in a dark room,

thinking of an amazing response.

Yeah. Cos sitting calmly and thinking is just so Joy.

Yeah.

Oh! Oh, God, I am so sorry.

I am, erm... I'm on an adventure.

I can't see your face with that thing on.

Yeah, so, basically, it's that exact face

except there's two eyes here.

Like, your classic two-eyes, two-eyebrows set-up,

and then the rest, you can see.

- Lift the blindfold. - Really?

Really. JOY SIGHS

You don't open your eyes, OK?

- Done. - I need to see your eyes.

Why, though? Are you worried she has lasers in there?

Like tiny eye lasers?

OK, on the count of three, yeah?

I mean, whatever.

OK, so, one, two, three. Are you ready?

OK, one, two, three.

JOY MIMICS MACHINE GUN Pew-pew!

Are you putting me in prison? PHONE RINGS

Don't be silly. This is a fun adventure.

Ma'am, are the bouncy castles this way?

Oh! Oh, my God, Funderland.

I love Funder.

Joy, will you just answer or call me back as soon as you can?

We need to talk about last night.

Look, I'm really just freaking out here.

Is that Joy?

Hey, girlfriend, we miss you.

Look, I know it's a bit weird

and you've only been away for one night,

but it's just made me realise how important you are to me

and what a good friend you've been,

and what a great shoulder you are to cry on

and such a positive influence.

'And I guess the bottom line is,

'you've become someone really important to me, Joy.'

'Steady on, Christie.' 'I mean it.'

Also, we need milk.

Let's make love.

I can basically never go home.

I hate having a clairvoyant as a roommate.

I smell diesel.

Are we going to the ploughing championships?

Cos I'm pretty sure I never wanged on about that

when I was a teenager.

No.

Not long to wait for the big reveal now.

PHONE RINGS

You're getting a lot of calls.

It's a gas, isn't it?

Mm. A pain in the hole, I'd have said.

Do you even have a phone?

Nah, massive waste of time.

Yeah.

PHONE RINGS, JOY SIGHS

'You've found Joy. Leave a message.'

Oh, hey, Joy. BABY CRYING IN BACKGROUND

Hope everything is sensational with you,

because it is sensational over here.

I was just dropping you a quick line

to let you know that my husband has left me.

So that's pretty fun, isn't it?

Yes, so, if you've got a quick sec, if you can give me a call back.

OK. Bye.

CRYING CONTINUES

And...

Joy, we're on a boat!

Don't be scared, Maeve.

JOY LAUGHS For fuck's sake!

We're going to Holyhead!

To... To Holyhead? No, I have plans.

No, balls to your plans!

We always said we'd do it, you and me.

We'd just get out of here, get the boat to Holyhead

and go to Boots and get cola-flavoured lip balms

and body butter that smelt of bloody papaya!

I'm not crying, Maeve, I'm not.

It's just the sea air makes my eyes water so bad!

Do you know if we were shipwrecked

and I was on a piece of driftwood,

and I thought there was even a tiny bit of room on it for you,

I would bunch over a little bit more.

I just think Rose was so scabby on that front.

You mad bitch!

Yeah! Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Well, I mean, one last adventure!

It doesn't have to be our last adventure, Maeve.

Well, I mean, no. No!

MAEVE LAUGHS Of course.

And you know what? I bloody love lip balm.

Holyhead!

We are coming for your exportable perfumes, guys!

Papaya!

PHONE RINGS

Ugh! My phone!

- Ugh. - Ah!

SHE GRUNTS

God, I instantly regret that.

Is it deep?

It looks deep. - Really. I mean, it's like...

Oh!

JOY GASPS Oh!

MAEVE LAUGHS

Hi, guys.

JOY LAUGHS

Oh, my God, look at the bunting. Welsh bunting.

- It's so... - I love the dragon.

Oh, look, there's the family lawyers.

Ah!

THEY LAUGH

Papaya, blueberry, passion fruit, orange...

Look at this, look at this.

Oh!

Oh! Smell that.

Kiwi or kumquat. - Yeah, yeah.

I'll puff mine out.

Pah! Pah!

THEY CHATTER

Shall we go in? - Yeah.

- We're going in. - Yes.

God, it's just so different here.

I really feel the benefit of the break, too.

It's cos the air is so clean.

And the shops. - Oh, the shops are just there.

And they're just so full of... things.

- Yeah. - Mental.

And the people are...

- Oh. - ...so lovely.

And so centred. MAN YELLING

- Yeah. - Wise and...

I know. Stupid machine!

Oh, and their skin.

- Oh, skin! - Their skin is so good.

Oh.

JOY SIGHS CONTENTEDLY

- And... - We should get home.

Yeah.

Bye, guys!

Fucking hell!

JOY GASPS Deadly!

No, no. No, no, no.

Not deadly at all. I have stuff to do, stuff to...

- Maeve, Maeve. - ...finish at home.

What if we can never go home? JOY GASPS

We live here now, Maeve. Welcome.

No, I REALLY need to get home.

I do.

I mean, I've loved it here, but, er...

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But, er, now that we live here,

you know, I think that we should enjoy ourselves.

If we're gonna do it, we are gonna really actually do it.

We are gonna get...

tattoos! - Cola-flavoured lip balms!

I'm sorry, what? - Tattoos.

- What? - Tattoos.

Tattoos? Tattoos?

Takeaway shots! Takeaway shots!

Yes!

Takeaway shots.

Truly, we are living in the golden age of Holyhead.

CHUCKLES Oh, we're such mad bitches, Maeve.

Me with the shots, and you getting your cutie, little ankle tattoo.

Oh, it's gonna be so gorgeous in the summer

with little dresses and little sandals.

Oh, my God!

What?

If you're gonna get a tattoo, get a tattoo.

Is it too small?

No.

No, I think it's gonna be...

I think it's gonna be grand in the summer,

with a really heavy fringe

or maybe all of the rest of your hair

just combed forward across your forehead.

And here, well done on your tattoo.

Yeah.

It's just that one dot of ink, isn't it?

Yeah. But, you know, as you said, it's a symbol.

Well done, brave soldier.

- Thank you. - Here, neck that back.

You too, pal.

We are going dancing!

Ow. - Ah!

DISCO MUSIC PLAYING

So, we heard that if you get a Holyhead Nights tattoo,

you basically get free drink here forever.

Yeah, you do, but only up to 9pm.

Yeah, but it's, like, four minutes past nine.

Exactly. BOTH GROAN

Two pints of wine, please.

Works out cheaper if you get two litres in jugs with straws.

I love Wales.

So do I.

Oh!

Aw. Mm!

Oaky, woody.

- Mm. Cheers. - Aw, cheers, my lady.

Excuse me, what type of wine is that?

White wine.

Ooh.

I have to go dancing now.

Hywel, we need to stop that tattoo deal.

JOY GROANS

Oh, this is burning my oesophagus.

Ah, me too.

Those are great old jugs, Maeve.

Do you remember the time you raided

your parents' drinks cabinet and you got so drunk,

you puked out your nose, you burned your nostrils,

and you had to apply eight-hour cream

up there with a cotton bud for, like, two weeks?

Yeah! MAEVE LAUGHS

Oh, this is so greaaaat!

You know, we are 99.9% Irish,

but we are 100% human!

Our culture's meshing!

Oh.

Yes, yes!

CROWD SHOUTING

Argh!

Hi, this is so not personal,

it's just, you only live once,

and I've never been involved in a bar brawl.

Sorry.

Oh!

Ugh.

Ow. A closed fist, you absolute lunatic!

I'm here for the rugby.

And for sex.

You guys say "grand" for a big house,

and we say "grand" for "yeah, fine, OK".

Does that not blow your mind?

Your friend's crazy.

SLURPING

Yeah. She lives like there's no tomorrow.

Just can't apologise for being you.

You, that includes you, my friend!

Just stop apologising for everything.

Get down immediately, or I'm calling the police.

So sorry.

BELCHES, MAEVE AND JOY LAUGH

BELCHES

JOY, LAUGHING: Oh, my God.

JOY BELCHES You're the cutest.

- I'm drunk. - Mm.

No, I'm not done.

Mm-mm-mm. No siree.

MAEVE RETCHES Oh, my.

MAEVE COUGHING

Maeve!

JOY RETCHES

RETCHING, COUGHING

MAEVE EXHALES

Maeve, we're not gonna get our deposit back.

I just puked all over the rhododendrons.

MAEVE GROANS Oh, God.

We had fun!

We had fun.

Oh, my God, I'm dying.

Oh, my God.

Me too.

I'm not the best of friends, Maeve.

I'm not the best of people.

You know, I'm just grand.

I wanna be better.

SIGHS

I'm so sorry.

I was the one that stole your bottle of Davidoff Cool Water.

It wasn't Sinead.

No!

Sorry.

- I gave her a dead arm. - I know.

Poor Sinead.

It's OK.

Thank you.

BFFs.

Boots, been in there.

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

So, hey, back to the, er... Yeah. JOY GROANS

Thank you for this.

I needed it more than you know.

You need a fringe more than you know, so...

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Well, I'm gonna see you next week

cos I'm literally gonna come back and see you next week.

I don't want you to be sad, you know?

I don't want you to beat yourself up about what we didn't do, and...

Yeah, I am a bit sad that we didn't go

to that Holyhead art exhibition.

I'm just so obsessed with culture, Maeve.

But we did have toad in the hole for breakfast,

and I don't care what anybody says about imports or whatsits,

we still don't have that in Ireland.

One last goodbye.

Absolutely. But, like, for literally seven days.

THEY CHUCKLE Come here.

SIGHS

You came!

Hi.

I know you're busy. I really appreciate that you came.

I did. Yeah, of course I did.

I left Olivia at my mum's. You got my message.

Yeah.

So, what do you think?

What do I think? Well, what do you think?

It's difficult to explain.

Just try, though?

- Can you believe he's left? - Left? Who?

I can't believe I'm saying the words "my husband has left me".

Oh, my God, Trish! Are you kidding?

No.

Sorry, it's just so shocking.

It's like every time, I'm literally hearing it for the first time.

OK.

Let's get a cup of tea.

So, tell me everything from the start.

Morning. - Morning.

You doing OK?

I got a text this morning from Stan.

OK, let me explain. You see, we went for a swim in the sea,

and then we were staying in this tiny caravan,

and it was so small in there.

The way you're like, "Sorry, can I get by?"

Then we started kissing, and then it just slipped in for a minute.

No, n-not that.

What is it?

Maeve is dead.

DOG BARKING

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING

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