Original subtitles

Delivery Guy, why are you in my room?

Today, you'll be receiving a special delivery from me.

STRUMS HARP

That doesn't even begin to answer my question.

I'm in your room cos you're dreaming.

This is a dream. Sorry, I should've said that at the start.

I don't want you to cancel me. - OK.

I took my shoes off before I got on your sheets.

- OK. - I don't think it's fair

that I have to say it's a dream.

Cos it's, like... it's your dream.

Like, why is it on me to announce that?

Does everyone in your dreams tell you you're dreaming?

- Everyone. - OK. The point is,

today, your DNA results will be delivered

by your winged homeboy here,

and those results will lead you

on an amazing journey that is thought-provoking

and also will take you somewhere special.

Is it Mauritius? Or... ooh, Havana?

GASPS Or maybe Iceland?

- I could give you one clue. - I'm ready for my clue.

Your exotic destination has four letters

begins with a "B", and it's very beautiful.

It is quite mysterious and interesting.

I'm going to Bali!

On this subject, I can say no more. STRUMS HARP

I'm going to Bali!

Like I said, I can say no more. STRUMS HARP

But prepare for an adventure.

Thanks, Delivery Guy.

SNORTS Bali!

DOG BARKING

Hi, guys! It's Flora with the most sensational news.

I have been chosen to fly to Morocco to learn about camels.

I mean, camels are the animals

that we, as humans, should aspire to be like.

They're wise, erm... They've got strong teeth and bones.

They're obsessed with hydrating,

and they totally get their 10,000 steps in every day.

'I just can't believe that I'm gonna be flying tonight

'at 10pm with ten of the world's top vloggers.

'I've got to go pack now, but I'll talk soon!'

SHE SIGHS

It's the joyful day, my peeps.

The DNA results are in and will now bring me

on my most exciting challenge yet,

because a lot of my other influenciery, vloggery, bloggery,

journalery-type people have been off

exploring the world recently, like Flora.

Flora, for example, has been off in the Maldives,

and now she's off again.

Off she pops to the Atlas Mountains

to learn how to communicate with camels.

But listen, enjoy it. Enjoy yourself while you're there.

Sorry to hear about that monkey giving you rabies, though.

Gosh. Sorry, I hope you're OK.

Joy. - Are you gonna be OK?

Looks so sore. - Joy.

It was really clinging on there, wasn't it, with its teeth?

Moving on. - Anyway, today is all about me,

and all about the mes before me that made me me now.

I mean, we think we know who we are, but one thing's for sure -

I have absolutely no idea who the hell I am.

- Joy? - Huh? Oh, yes.

And today is sponsored by these helpful guys.

- Turn it round. - These helpful guys.

Other way. - These helpful guys.

Other way.

Christ. These helpful guys.

Thanks, helpful guys.

Emer, haven't you checked my passport?

- Checked it. - Are we ready?

- Just open the envelope. - Are we ready, guys? Guys, guys!

I am from...

...Bray.

Bray, County Wicklow.

And? Close on the eye.

Just say... - Just say?

- ...going to Bray. - And we're going to Bray.

We'll be... We'll see you in Bray.

Yay. - And cut.

Oh, God, Bray!

Bray, guys. I could... I could cry. You should cry.

Those shows totally milk the emotion of the whole thing.

Someone always cries. I'm not a crier.

Joy, crying is everywhere this year.

Bray?

- Bray. - Bray.

Guys, get out of my way and just give me a minute.

EMER SIGHS You got it?

- Yeah. - The crying?

Bray has pebbles instead of sand.

EMER, SOFTLY: Great.

It's actually the best news possible.

SIGHS

It means you're gonna boost your numbers outside Dublin.

So just remember that, OK?

I don't wanna be a bogger blogger.

- Jesus, Joy. - Yeah, it's bogger vlogger.

No! I'm literally from the country.

I'm not saying I hate the country, Karen.

I'm saying it scares me shitless.

It's nothing personal.

Like when people are scared of flying,

people don't say, "That's mean to aeroplanes."

I do.

It is.

Isn't it?

SIGHS DEEPLY

Emer.

Are you obsessed with those mystery TV shows

where somebody intercepts somebody else's mail

and changes something on the letter

and then pops it back in the envelope and seals it up again?

SNIFFS

I've no idea what you're talking about.

SNIFFS

Bye, guys. - Bye, Karen.

OK, this is not easy for me.

I used to go there on summer holidays as a kid,

and I hated it.

It's just that my brand is supposed to be aspirational.

Like, would you rather be going to the Maldives

or Bray, County Wicklow?

Not even joking, Bray, County Wicklow.

SIGHS

Joy, you need to stop looking at everyone else and do you.

Yeah, let's do you.

Get it together.

Stop being so urban about the whole thing

because it's massively off-putting to the majority of people.

Fine, I hear you.

JOY SIGHS

But I'm still not going to Bray. - What?

OWL HOOTING

Joy, Stan and I can't leave until you agree to go to Bray.

Fine!

Get up, Stan. Huh? Oof!

SIGHS

'Hi, guys. So I've just ducked out of Burning Man,

'just for a hot second.

'So, I've had a massage. I'm having a nice little facial done.

'And then I just feel revived and ready to go back again.

'It's... It's incredible. I'm having the best time.

'The desert is really beautiful, but it's really, really dry.

'Like, no-one tells you that.

'And, like, the first day you go there,

'it's really, really difficult just to kind of acclimati...'

'Brave face, brave face, brave face.'

JOY GRUNTING It's going to be fine.

GRUNTING CONTINUES, LUGGAGE THUDDING

Just a few bits or two. SHE CHUCKLES

Packing tips.

I think the hardest thing is, when I'm travelling,

I like to wear a light moisturiser during the day,

but I do prefer a heavier one at night-time.

It's so difficult. SHE GRUNTS

Yeah, you know we're only going for one day?

- Miss you already, Stan. - Absolutely.

Stan, can you help me with this, please?

Absolutely.

SLAPS Yes, he can!

I'm telling you, I can see what's gonna happen

before it's even happened right in front of my very eyes.

Trish will arrive any moment now.

I did just text to say I was two minutes away.

- Hey, Trish. - Hi!

Oh.

CHUCKLING Oh, you were texting?

You text... texted her? You text each other.

What were you two guys texting about?

Tom's taking Olivia this morning, so me and Christie

are going swimming, and we're gonna get ice cream...

...mit sprinkles.

You hate sprinkles.

Incorrect. I like sprinkles.

- No, you don't. - Sometimes, I like them.

Sometimes? Trish, that makes zero sense.

OK, cranky pants. Don't worry about it, Trish.

I get it. You're still on your journey.

You're still trying to find out who you are. I remember that.

But now here's me on the road.

I mean, granted, it's not to Morocco,

but I am going to Bray.

And here's me liking sprinkles, Joy. So I'm on the road, too.

I'm actually on the road.

And here's me getting sprinkles.

Me. Road.

- Sprinkles. - Road.

- Sprinkles. - Can we go?

Mm-hm. Road.

Sorry. Road. - Sprinkles.

- Road. - Sprinkles.

- Road. - Sprinkles!

- Road. - Oh, Joy? Sprinkles.

Oh... Road.

- Sprinkles. - Yeah.

- Road! - Sprinkles!

JOY, YELLING: Road!

ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING

Gosh, I'm so sorry about that.

I think I'm becoming more earthy already, you know?

I feel like Alan Titchmarsh rubbing soil in between his fingers.

I think being beyond the M50 is just getting me

more in touch with my roots, my more feral side.

Sorry. Primal.

Oh, sorry. Rural.

You know we're just outside of Shankill?

Yeah, Shankill. Shankill, the countryside Ireland.

People commute to Dublin from here.

Fuck off!

They take one train or one bus.

How long does that take?

- Like, 28 minutes. - 28 minutes?!

Oh, my gosh. Science is unbelievable these days.

You've got bullet trains, bullet buses.

Huh!

The Swiss Alps have been calling me.

I'm just on my way now, in Arosa, to meet Alejandro

who is going to teach me how to make the best chocolate.

'And that chocolate is, in fact,

'the key to living your best life long and happily.

'I mean, I could've told you that...'

Flora's making her own chocolate bars

with her personal chef in her five-star resort.

Good for her. Good for her.

'..into a dormant volcano as a peace offering for this God...'

OK.

Our home for the night is just around here.

Sorry, I beg your absolute pardon?

Emer emailed through the accommodation and the itinerary

for the rural activities.

Siri... Siri, find me cute spa hotels near me.

'No.' - No.

Let's go.

STAN SIGHS

SHE GASPS Mud!

Stan, mud.

Ugh! SHE SNIFFS

Ah, yes, so real, so... so muddy.

So, we have this great woman coming to meet us any minute.

She sounds incredible, Joy.

She's your age, and her family's lived here for generations.

She sounds like a bit of a maverick.

Honestly, she runs this group called "Sea You Next Tuesday",

and the "see" is spelled "S-E-A."

It's an absolutely terrific pun if you ask me.

Because they... they meet every Tuesday.

A-And they're all women, and they see it as a therapy.

Submerging themselves in the ocean

becomes this elixir of happiness and well-being.

It's just... just gorgeous.

What the hell is wrong with them?

Have they seen Sharknado?

I... I know there's no sharks in Ireland, but there's seaweed,

and that's almost as bad.

And do you know, once down here,

while I was swimming, a dead cow floated up to me.

A dead cow!

It had fallen off a cliff.

And there he was, with his giant head and his giant eyes.

Just floating sadly.

And they say he'd fallen off a cliff,

but let's be honest, he probably jumped.

STAN SIGHS

It is mad to just dive in,

wash away all the bullshit, you know?

- I feel what you're trying, Stan. - Good.

Good.

COW MOOS

There goes another one. Off the cliff.

So sad.

So, we pretend to stay here,

and then you film me with my head about to,

but not, touching some old, gross '80s pillow,

and then we cut, and we go to a hotel.

No, we are staying here.

Oh, Stan.

Wait a second.

This is the actual caravan I used to stay in.

I used to stay in this van when I was a kid.

Who did you say we were meeting today?

Er, Maeve...

Maeve?

Maeve Morris. I mean, surely, you remember.

You ditsy Dublin bint. CHUCKLES

Er...

Maeve.

Oh.

So, where did you go to after that one summer?

Oh, France. Brittany.

No, er, in general.

Like, for the rest of your life until, like... right now.

Oh, erm, Brittany, Dublin,

Irish cottage, Dublin...

Santa Ponsa, Dublin, Canaries, Dublin.

London to see Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat,

Dublin, Kildare Village for a winter coat, Dublin.

Paris with an ex, Dublin, Berlin with Trish, Dublin...

And, yeah, I think that's everywhere.

So, Maeve, I've heard that exotic flowers

can be found growing in this area.

Is that why you're still here, do you think, Maeve?

What, do you think I stayed here for the intervening 18 years

because of the shade of that one flower?

- No. - Is the right answer.

I, erm... I like it here.

Our entire family lineage comes from here. I like that.

You know, that's not to say

I haven't been on a journey, but, erm...

Oh!

Aw! Oh!

Are you making a perfume ad?

No, but I'm open to that.

Emer, email perfume people.

So, roots - tell me about yours.

- Ours. - Yes. What did we do?

Er, well, we were matchmakers, which was ironic because...

I'm single. But that's fine.

I'm completely fulfilled, and I'm not lonely at all.

Yeah, no, that's good. It's important not to feel that pressure.

- Well, pressure's for tyres, Maeve. - Right.

And how is it for you, Maeve?

Well, I was a gay woman in Ireland in the 1980s

who had to live a lie

because my truth didn't work for anyone else.

So, you know, you put two and two together on that front.

Yeah, they tried to set me up with Diarmuid from Enniscrone.

Well, he's a lovely man, but, you know, horrific toenails.

He gave me a foot massage using Head and Shoulders.

I mean, it didn't work out.

- Toenails can be a deal-breaker. - Yeah, toenails. And a penis.

But, you know, I solved my problems by jumping in the sea.

You know, I'd go out there every day,

and I'd splash, and I'd splash, and...

- Cute! - ...I'd shout, and I'd shout about,

you know, my confusion, about not being allowed to be who I was.

You know, this is... this is where I was from.

This is me. This is my tribe. I mean, who was I if the only place

I felt a part of anything was away from it all, you know?

In the sea, alone.

You were a drowning cow.

Sorry, I beg... I beg your pardon?

Oh, no, let me explain it to you.

So, when I was a child... SPEECH FADES

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you

the first Irish lady to be an Irish lady

to get into the sea in Portugal

and surf one of those really big waves

that everyone was banging on about -

Maeve Morris, my second cousin.

So, Maeve...

all of our family were matchmakers, yes.

Mm, yes.

So my father's father's father's father.

Yes.

And my father's dad's brother's uncle?

Erm, no. Erm...

He was what's known as a pervert.

We don't talk about him. JOY CHUCKLES

No, seriously, he ruined a lot of lives

so, erm, it's not funny.

Ooh.

But they did other things, too.

Like your great-great-grandad, he made bread.

Oh, my God, I love bread!

Wow, this makes sense. I also set Stan and Christie up.

- Did you, though? - Yeah.

And I also tried to set my dog up with a local schnauzer

but it didn't work out,

so eventually, we just got rid of his balls.

Gosh, I'm glad they didn't do that to Diarmuid.

Cos, you know, it really wasn't his fault.

This is so nuts.

I remember you.

Of course you do.

What? This place was where I used to meet my friends.

I used to come here with my friends.

All my friends would come and meet me

and be like, "Hey, Joy," and we'd go, "Let's run!"

JOY CHUCKLES So fast!

Ah! - Is she always this manic?

Only around really calm, centred people.

Take it as a compliment.

We need to get her in the sea.

Absolutely.

Stitch!

OK, so, I said I'd get into the wet suit for the piece, and I did.

So now, Stan, we cut to my stunt double running in

and swimming instead of me.

Sure, you're wearing it now. You might as well.

Eh...

Since I don't like cold things, wet things,

salty things or sandy things,

so there's four major problems right there.

No, Stan. - Come on, Joy.

- No. - Come on, Joy.

- Come on, that's it. - That's it.

Joy. Come on. - No, no.

- You can do it. Be a brave girl. - Come on.

- No, no! - Brave girl. You know you can.

No! Attagirl.

Oh, fuck you guys! See?

Whoo! Whoo! Well done, Joy!

I detest it! I know!

Whoo! Keep going!

I hate you! I hate you! MAEVE LAUGHS

Come on! - I hate you all!

ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING

Whoooo!

Whoo!

Oh! You guys are so earthy.

Thanks for a great day, Maeve. Sorry I puked on your shoulder.

I just swallowed too much seawater. - That's OK, dude.

You know, you did it. That's what counts.

Memento mori, Joy. It's later than you think.

Yeah, I know. I'm usually in bed after the news.

WATER RUNNING

- Ah-choo! - Ah!

SHE LAUGHS Grow up, Joy.

- You grow up. - You grow up.

- Grow up. - Grow up, Joy.

Donna Martin graduates.

Donna Martin graduates. D... KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello? Is Joy there?

HIGH-PITCHED: No, this is Joy's mother.

Can Joy come out? We're going to a disco down the road.

Erm, I'm afraid Joy has gone to a different disco

with some other friends.

She's very popular.

Erm, all right. Maybe I'll see her tomorrow.

Well, I have to go now. Nationwide is on.

Stan, are you awake? Are you awake?

Are you OK? Was it another dead cow?

I had the best summer with Maeve, Stan,

and then I never came back.

I never came back to her.

I just abandoned her.

I never saw her again.

Oh, I'm such a bad person, Stan.

HE SIGHS Oh!

OK, Joy, I was asleep. What is this?

Oh, Stan I'm such a bad person.

I used to think you were about the best person I knew, Joy.

I was mad about you.

But I'm just getting pretty sick of this.

You used to be fun. You used to be a laugh.

But you've become so self-obsessed

that it's actually getting quite wearing.

Well, maybe I was pretending because, deep down,

I was really, really scared.

Pretending! Pretending is just all you do.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

Take that back.

No.

Grow up, Stan.

Grow up, Joy.

Grow up, Stan.

You grow up, Joy.

- Grow up. - Grow up.

- Grow up! - Grow up!

DOG BARKING

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING

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