Original subtitles

I don't know how to do it.

Like I keep trying to fit the parts into the parts,

and there are both too many parts and not enough parts.

And I'm highly aware that I keep saying the word "parts."

We've tried every way.

That does not fit into that.

- Yeah. - Mm.

We should probably start calling that Olivia.

I could swear there's way more male buttons

than female buttons.

Well, that's the bloody patriarchy for you.

Yeah. I'd like a white babygrow, please.

We have to stop stressing.

Today I am going to find the joy

of being in the now with a baby called Olivia.

- Hm. - Not everything fits

but everything works.

Ta-da!

OLIVIA CRYING AND FARTING

SQUELCHING

Did you have to do that?

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

Hiya!

Oh, my God!

Cute baby, Joy!

OMINOUS CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS Thank you.

I mean, it's not yours, but by all means gobble up the compliment.

Yeah, I'm helping out a friend who's working on her marriage.

She's gone away with her husband to talk things through,

hopefully they'll have their problems ironed out

before close of business today.

My parents are always telling me that I'm the reason they broke up,

which is nice. - Aw.

Are you trying to do the same thing?

Oh, honey, she won't be able to answer you.

She's a baby.

I know, Joy. It was rhetorical.

Ooh, somebody swallowed a dictionary.

JOY CHUCKLES

Don't come any closer, Joy.

OMINOUS CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS

I find babies massively intimidating.

JOY CHUCKLES

Heard the baby talk, Joy.

And just so you know,

if she gets hungry or anything, you know, you can...

Don't feed the baby fig rolls, I know. Ha!

No, I meant, you know, happy to help out.

I meant to stop myself ages ago but here I am, mum-of-two.

I'm sorry, are you suggesting that you would...

- That... - What?

- That's disgusting. - That's disgusting.

That is disgusting.

- That's disgusting. - That's disgusting.

I meant I would hold the baby, Joy.

- Yeah, and I have formula, Karen. - Good. Use it.

I used to hate babies too, Phillip.

I never said I hated them, Joy.

But they change you.

You change. I can't explain it. - Joy, it's not your baby.

I used to think they were gross,

but they're quite good, aren't they?

- Once you can hand them back. - Ha-ha. Totally.

OK, let's get down to business.

So this week was good. It was, erm, funny.

You know, the whole #volcel thing blew up,

which was quite a surprise to all of us here.

And then the snogging in the chipper thing

was a fun pivot away from that,

you know, a nice development in the ongoing quest for happiness.

Thank you. Super-planned.

OK, well, if you could let us in on those plans in the future

because we're a team here. - Gotcha.

And I do think that we can bag a permanent sponsor

if we continue to carve out our niche uniquely.

Uniqueness.

Yes, I've been watching Flora and loads of other unique people,

and I want to be exactly like them.

Today, I'm going to find the joy of parenting

with this little munchkinhead.

I think a lot of parents are like me.

Joy, there are no parents like you.

Maybe there's not many, but there's some.

- Stan. - I think if I can get parents

to be at one with their children, the whole joy of parenting

is just going to flow more naturally.

Do you know what, I'm going to do

bullet points for Trish when I'm done.

Do you know one thing that I have learned from being a parent?

Having been a parent to a baby that's not yours, that you...

It's just... ..basically had for an hour,

that's been asleep the majority of the time.

I think that it's just like we get so caught up.

No, I don't think so. Where's time for me?

How do I fit her into my life?

Knock, knock in there, you are missing everything.

Just slow down and relax, you know?

They grow up so quickly. Stan, they grow up so fast.

All right.

- Honest quezzie? - Shoot.

Are you worried about seeming patronising and insane?

No. Next quezzie.

No further quezzies.

Perfect. Aw!

Joy.

Roughly how long are you going to be asleep for?

KNOCKS Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I don't get who you're playing today.

A working mum, struggling to keep her work-life balance in check?

- Yes. - For literally one day?

One whole day.

OK, I was just wondering because my mum was a single mum,

and she raised me for more than one day, and it was hard.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- It was really hard. - Mm-hm. Mm-hm. I know.

All mums have their journeys, Stan.

But don't worry, I'm pretty zen.

Yeah, I'm not really worried about

how you'll get on for literally one day.

I appreciate your concern, Stan.

Christie was exactly the same.

She was like, "Joy," and I was like, "I know."

You know what she's like. But I don't know.

Olivia's so chill when she's around me.

- Now you're chill. - I think she just gets my chill

transmitted to her or whatever. - OK.

Still asleep.

Do you know that some babies

start singing before they start talking?

- Really? - Yeah, I know this.

I read it on the Internet.

I'm here instead of Trish, and this is baby Olivia.

No problem at all. You just sign in there, thank you.

And we'll give Olivia a sticker.

- Stickers! - There you go.

- So cute. - Uh-huh.

Do you know, if you learn the tambourine early,

you'll be good at science and biz work.

Tambourine time.

BABIES CRYING

Welcome, everybody.

Excuse me, you can't film in this space.

OK, cool.

We're about to begin, if you'd just like to take a seat.

- I don't have a baby. - Take a seat.

- But I don't... - Take a seat.

Yeah.

BABIES CRYING

Oh, Seana's a right bruiser, isn't she?

Very large head.

I'm sure that was sore enough for you.

Emily's lovely and hairy, isn't she?

Well, I guess that makes sense cos so are you.

I mean you've both got lovely hair on your head.

This little one has got a bald patch at the back

from rubbing her head so much,

but it'll grow back. We can always throw in a few extensions.

She's the image of you.

Oh, no, that's not possible because,

er, I've got longer hair than she does,

and her nose is squashier.

But they all look the same at this age, anyway, don't they?

Hope I don't take the wrong one home with me today.

LAUGHS

But, yeah, I guess she does look like me, because after all,

I did push her right out of me. Human Aidan!

Hey, Joy.

BABIES CRYING

You have a baby.

- So do you. - I do.

- Isn't it something? - Isn't it?

Is this your first time?

First time, yeah. Tambourine time. Yay!

- Yeah, it's lots of fun! - Isn't it fun?!

- Isn't it just the most fun ever?! - Yeah!

OK, everyone, let's pick up our tambourines and shake.

Let's try to connect with each other

and our babies through the music.

It can be lonely out there as a solo artist.

And shake 'em.

BABIES CRYING

Yay, baby!

- Five, four... - Five, four...

My wee's on there.

Two...

- One. - One.

RELIEVED SIGH It's a no!

SHE LAUGHS It's a no!

EXHALES SLOWLY It's no.

Yeah, yeah, I heard you first time.

It's no.

BABIES CRYING

Joy? Joy.

I can't actually believe I'm seeing you, and you've got a baby.

Congratulations. - Yes, exactly.

I mean, she's gorgeous. How old is she?

Oh, she's a year or whatever, give or take.

A-A...

Oh, she's a year minus seven months, carry the one,

add all the days, minus all the days.

You know the way you work it out like that. So she's three months.

But I'm not a slave to the calendar, Aidan, that's not my jam.

God, wow, well, I mean, she's big for three months.

Well, I'm not into body-shaming babies, Aidan.

No, it's just she's gotten like all of her teeth.

She's very advanced. What's your point, caller?

♪ Uhh! ♪ SHE CHUCKLES

Anyway, enough about us. Yours is nice.

Yeah. Yeah, she's amazing. We're thrilled.

We?

Yeah, so I needed, like, another party to...

Oh, I know all about that.

Yeah, me and Sarah.

Told you.

I told you you guys should be together. Told you!

Sickened, sickened, Aidan. Sickened!

Actually it wasn't long after...

I don't need to know. I know how babies are made.

Whoo! - Yeah.

Sure, didn't I make one myself with...

- With? - With...

...this really, really, really, really,

oh, really beautiful Australian yoga stunner with tiny pores.

So I'm not exactly sweating it here, mister.

And he's an Aries.

He's an Aries? An Aries?!

Wow! - Yeah.

I know.

I have to go. We have to go. Don't we, Olivia? Don't we, Stan?

Don't we, everyone? Yes, we do, that's right. Goodbye, Aidan.

Oh, Joy.

Joy? It's...

Ooh! Cooee!

Oh.

Keep meaning to set up Deliveroo for this one.

Yeah.

So, look, I mean, I haven't seen you in a year.

Do you want to go and get a cup of tea or something?

Aw, I'd love to, but I really don't want to, so I can't.

I mean, I don't drink tea any more after 11am.

I'm so sorry.

That's cool.

I mean, we can go get a glass of milk or a Pepsi.

Yeah, I just... thank you, but I... I'm really busy.

I have a lot of things to do this afternoon.

- Cool. What are you doing? - Will.

I'm going to do him.

Will's my baby daddy. That's his name.

And I have plans to meet him and do him.

OK. Well, that's impressive,

seeing as your baby's only three months old

and has this massive head.

So, good on you.

Well, I snapped right back.

CLICKS TONGUE

So which way are you and Mr Aries Guy headed?

Yeah, going to meet him,

I guess, all around here, and then we're gonna... here.

Do you want to go back inside and maybe have a cup of not tea?

While waiting?

Stan, I'd better go and help this guy out.

Nice buggy, by the way.

Suits you, the buggy. - Thanks.

So is Sarah quite large now?

No, no, not at all.

Oh. SHE SNORTS

Hey, how about I just threw everything

off course here for a second

and told you I was falling in love with you.

Stay positive and keep it real.

Remember, it's all chill with Will.

Stay there!

For some crazy reason, that guy over there

thinks that I'm the baby's mum and you're the dad. Bonkers!

Some people are so weird. - Get fucked.

And do you know what else is just really chill

and not bonkers at all? You playing along with it

and me explaining it all to you later.

Does that sound namaste? Is that chill with Will?

You can't pretend to be the mother

of someone else's child, Joy, that's too much.

Please, I just need to get through the next half an hour, Will.

Please, please. - This is gonna screw with my karma.

- Please, Will. - It's insane.

- Labels, Will, please. - No.

- Please. - No.

You're not some kind of rabid dingo that can just run off with a kid.

Exactly. I'm not running off with her forever.

That's what makes me a good dingo.

I bring the baby back. - You're not a dingo, Joy.

Please. Please, Will.

- No. No. - Please. Please.

Please, Will, please. Let's be dingoes together.

Please, Will, please. Please, please, please, please.

- How many times can I say no? - Oh, brilliant! OK.

- This is human Aidan. - How is my little furry friend?

Well, mate, I'm not gonna lie, that's kind of harsh.

Oh, no. He's talking... You're talking about Canine Aidan, the dog.

Yeah, no, he's good.

I think he's completely over you, which is great.

- Oh, OK. - Who's this bundle of fun here?

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha! Such a funny fucker.

Keeps it so fresh when he does that. You little gag monster.

Well, congratulations.

Ah, thanks, mate.

Yeah, I guess 300K subscribers is quite a lot.

CHUCKLES, CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

No. Phew. For once, not my baby.

Ha-ha-ha.

Will?

Don't look at me. I haven't had an accident.

I haven't done that in years.

No, yeah, Will, will you change the baby?

That's not part of the deal.

Play the daddy.

PHONE RINGS

BABY CRYING

Oh, got to go. OK, honey.

Be the daddy, be the daddy.

You... one... CRYING CONTINUES

OMINOUS CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS

'Hi, Joy.' - Hi!

'Just checking in. Hope everything's OK with Olivia.'

Yeah. Olivia's in safe hands. She's in the safest hands.

Uh, OK, bye.

INHALES SHARPLY Ohh!

Honey. Honey face.

Could you go and change our baby's bum?

Oh, gross. No way. No.

He's like a stand-up comedian, isn't he?

Ha-ha. - Can you take the baby?

Oh. Sure. Ha-ha-ha-ha. He's my rock.

He makes me feel like me but better.

Yeah, he's great.

Do you know what, Aidan, I actually really needed a wee anyway, so.

- Perfect. - I'll get it. I'll change her.

Will, I'll... I'll take her. You relax.

He's wrecked. - Poor guy.

GROANS In we pop.

- Do you want a hand? - No, no, I've got it.

I'm literally doing this all day and all night.

- Its arm. - No, no, she's grand.

Her arm goes that way. - But that one, that arm.

They're all individuals, Aidan. They all do their own thing.

Gas, aren't they? You're like a supermom.

Yeah, I am. Thank you.

- Oh, that's stuck there. - Yeah, no, it's good.

It's a new buggy that you're better off doing it this way with it.

- Oh, yeah? - It's just...

it's new technology with it. - Just move that table, maybe.

- That's good. I got it. - Yeah, I'm doing it anyway. Fine.

Yeah, I have it. CHAIR SCRAPING

- Got it. - Off you pop.

I have that now, yeah. I have that now.

- See you later, supermom! - Thank you.

OK. Shh, shh, shh.

Hello, hello, hello, hello. Dor-dor-dor-dor.

Oh, this is conven... Absolutely perfect.

Yes, and ducks and geese... ♪ And all the different things

♪ We have to do with the nappies. ♪

You're being rude.

OK. There. There. We just...

Ohh, we're going. Ah!

Shh, shh, shh. Oh, my God, you stink!

Oh! Oh, good God. OLIVIA CRIES

OK, we'll... OK, hang on.

♪ Ducks and clothes... ♪

♪ To you. ♪

♪ Oranges

♪ We'll go... ♪

GAGS Oh, my God.

What is Trish feeding you?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

CRYING CONTINUES Ugh!

And I think that they self-stick.

Oh!

Oh, God. I hear you.

I hear you, I hear you. Shh.

Shh. CRYING CONTINUES

Oh, God.

♪ Everything nice. ♪

You're kidding me. CRYING CONTINUES

Now...

Sorry that took so long. The flap kept collapsing.

Oh, the doctors say that's extremely common after a natural birth.

Oh, listen, Joy, I'm just gonna come straight out and say it.

It's just so weird the way your baby looks like Trish.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry, Aidan.

I just thought it would be fun to say that she was mine

because I didn't know anybody in the class,

and then all of a sudden you were there.

And you were there.

And I...

It's OK, Joy. I mean, it makes sense.

You're just...

You're not a baby person.

Well, maybe I wasn't a baby person with you.

Maybe.

Catch you guys later.

Yeah, maybe.

Idea.

Why don't we ditch this baby idiot,

go and make out on O'Connell, Grafton

and other cool Irish things like that?

Will, I'm not ditching the baby.

OK. Well, you know what? I'm out of here.

It's been fun, Joy, it has, but I've got some major Irish landmarks

to go and take selfies at for the fans.

And babies, you know, they're not part of the brand.

Make every second count. That's what I say.

Oh, and that baby? So negative.

See you later, guys. Oh, and don't forget to subscribe.

- Yeah, I won't. - Hey, what's up everyone?

So I'm about to go see some statues.

Apparently all the statues in Ireland move.

He's so funny.

- He seems really nice. - He is.

Aidan, I'm really glad things worked out for you.

It's good to see you, Joy.

It's good to see you.

Hey. Gotcha.

JOY CHUCKLES

There's a knack to them, defo.

Easy peasy does it.

- This is nice. - Mm.

I've never had a bath with a... a girlfriend before.

HE CHUCKLES No, yeah, defo.

Me neither.

OLIVIA COOS

DOOR OPENS, JOY SNORTS

I'm here, I'm here!

JOY SNORTS Oh, fuck.

How did Olivia get outside?

Trish, hey, how did it go today?

Joy, the key was in the door.

How long has it been there? Three, four, five hours?

I don't know.

You are amazing.

How do you do it? I don't know how you do it.

I don't think I am doing it.

Girl, you are doing it.

Did you find out that babies aren't actually that relaxing after all?

Trish, I don't care what anyone says, parenthood is hard!

Literally everyone says that, Joy.

- Do they? - Yeah.

They're right.

Thank you for today, Joy. Thank you for trying.

Mm.

I'm so tired.

Night-night, Canine Aidan.

'I know you met him today,

'but I'm OK because I know you're OK.'

You know, Canine Aidan...

...maybe I could be a baby person.

'I'm your baby, Joy, you lunatic!'

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com