Original subtitles

MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

Gratitude, gratitude, peace and love.

Go.

Chuffed to tell you guys about the joy I'm getting from my smart pants.

- Smartypantz. - Smartypants.

- Zz. - Zz.

They're comfy, environmentally friendly,

and they come with advanced period-proof technology

for mad menstruators like you guys.

There's even a really handy pouch for a hot water bottle at the front.

Bish, I ain't got no time for cramps.

And if you're not happy, they come with a 60-day money back guarantee.

Ch... What? Emer, that's gross.

OK. Joy, not your problem.

Let's take it from, "Alladz. They're bleeding deadly."

♪ Alladz... ♪

No, Emer. Sorry. I can't. I can't say that.

Joy, periods aren't just for girls any more.

Uh, yes, they are. Are they not?

What I'm saying is, I'd like to move away from the idea

that periods are gross and embarrassing.

The "monthlies" are a real challenge...

from a marketing perspective, like.

You girls don't even realise.

Joy, try running in slo-mo with your mates.

Did you guys not know you can still run while you have your monthlies?

- Cos you totally can. - Yeah.

And don't forget to use the blue liquid.

- She's not a Smurf, Phillip. - Yeah. Totally not a Smurf.

But Smurfs are happy, and I think it's so important

to see the positivity in everyone and everything.

Gratitude. - Oh... my God.

Flora is on another all-expenses paid

luxury promo trip to the Maldives.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Emer!

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

Joy, numbers were good for last week's challenge,

but we need to boost our subscription base.

And do you know who isn't finding us?

Sponsors with cool products?

People outside Dublin.

People from the countryside just... aren't connecting with you, Joy.

Any idea why?

I mean, no. I'm pretty relatable.

Definitely. And yet...

And yet... EXHALES DEEPLY

OK. I have managed to secure two sponsors

who are willing to put up good money but only if we reach beyond Dublin.

And I shouldn't need to tell you that we need this.

No. I got this. Guys, boggers love me.

Uh, I know that's hate speech,

before you send me for retraining. I was owning it.

- You were owning it? - Yes.

It was a private joke between me and the guys from the countryside.

Reaching your subscription base beyond the M50

is perfect timing for this week's challenge.

- Are you ready? - Mm-hm.

- Steady? - Yeah.

Go. It's a crossover piece

with beloved, handsome Aussie vlogger Will Dack.

I don't know him. What's his channel called?

Beloved, Handsome Aussie Vlogger.

He's very popular, Joy.

The piece will be, "Will Will Be Finding Irish Joy?"

- Will, will he? - Oh!

I love that guy. Joy, this is exciting for you!

Oh, my God. What's that thing that he says?

"Do not waste your time worrying, because...

"Just don't."

- What? - Genius.

And, oh, his skin.

Ahh. I'd wear his skin.

Karen, we did talk about this. Shared office. Private meeting.

OK. Will's visiting "wural" Ireland for the first time.

- Wural Ireland? - And he wants to know

what brings Joy to the Irish today. - Wural Ireland...

OK, we can only film him in Dublin

before he heads to the countryside. - Rural Ireland.

But your pieces will be on his channel,

introducing you to his followers, him to yours

as he travels across the land, connecting with the people.

Joy, think of the exposure.

But if I'm not accompanying him, should we bother?

His skin is like a...

Waxed nectarine.

It's wearable.

It's like a baby's arse with a beard.

So people are relating to skin right now?

Oh, my God. Skin is everywhere this year.

OK. If it builds the brand, then I'm just gonna be professional

and try to make it work.

- Try and find a pore. - I literally can't see one.

No, guys. He doesn't have any.

Not one. Is that HD?

KAREN SIGHS

Alabaster.

It's not that alabaster.

It's this, like, out-of-body experience.

This... UberX comes and picks you up

and brings you to this nearby town that has everything.

So I've had a massage.

I'm having, like, this little facial done.

And then I just feel revived and ready to go back again.

'It's incredible. I'm having the best time

'and I can't wait to fill you in more.'

Yeah, well... 'Next stop'll be Sweden!'

- Hey, Joy. - Oh.

It's just so hard, Karen.

Trying to figure out what makes people happy

just feels like such a big responsibility, you know?

All the other YouTubers are getting free trips to the Maldives

and these smart pants are really

wedging on my arse, to be honest, Karen.

Mm-hm. I'd better get back. I'm just trying to finalise

a list of recommendations for the UN

on how to prevent children as young as five

being recruited into guerrilla warfare.

Cool.

TELEPHONE RINGING

Joy, did you know that I'm a marketing guru?

Yes. Guru. I'm qualified.

And if you want to increase your numbers as a lady person,

there are some secret marketing tips, you know?

OK, so, the basics are... smile more,

let the man feel in charge and supported,

be really cute and likable.

That's an instant upgrade.

SIGHS OK.

Thanks a million, Guru Phillip, you absolute dinosaur.

So, where's the tips for men?

Pfft!

Oh, a new thing that some women are trying, which is fun,

is being confident. Confidence is very 2020.

But not confident in a threatening way.

Not-threatening confidence, that's the best way to connect with people.

- Sounds kind of contradictory. - But it actually isn't.

Shall I run through it again? - Please don't run through it again.

I know you've got your meeting with Will Nectarine,

so I'll give you this one for free.

Sex sells.

Sex and romance. I mean, if Love Island has taught us anything,

it's that people from the countryside and cities,

which is to say everywhere, they love sex.

They want to have sex with everyone.

Stop you there. That's just not for me, pal.

I'm all about trying to be my true self,

not manufacturing clickbait romance.

Also I'm #volcel now, so...

Well, you weren't #volcel when it was in,

and I did have it in for like a couple of minutes.

And I know, cos I counted.

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi. - Shh.

And I could put it in again if you thought... Just pop it in.

No. Do you know what? I'm actually OK for that.

- You're sure? OK. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Thanks a mil. - Yeah. No worries.

OK.

- Hi. - Great.

- Take this. - OK.

- Yeah. And also this. - OK.

- That. - Yeah.

Uh, this definitely.

And this if she needs to be walked, slapped, woken...

Where are your keys?

OK. They're in the pocket over.

- Left. Left. Oh. - This? This side?

- That was a bit close. - Yeah? That one?

- In the pocket. - Thank you.

OK! Hiya.

She seems calm. - Yeah. OK.

Great. I got... I got all this.

Hi.

Where are you guys? I'm ready to hold the baby for a minute.

Oh. There you guys are.

'Hi, Joy. We're sitting here.'

This is nice, just sitting... quietly.

'You're wearing that baby thing. That baby is cute.

'Is he cuter than me? Maybe. Does Joy think he's cuter than me?

'Maybe. Am I a goner?'

I used to sit down and think things all the time.

Think my little thoughts, and that would be it.

You're... in the toilet.

Remember when time was different,

when we were looking for ways to fill it?

Hours of chats, then cans, then hooking up with someone.

Then 24 hours in bed.

Then 48 hours of cystitis.

Bliss. - Yeah.

What are you doing?

Oh, I have to find an outfit for tomorrow for work.

Specifically, it needs to scream "business-class sex appeal"

to an international influencer.

You know, confident but shy,

knows her own mind but wants you to speak.

No-nonsense-but-adorable sex kitten,

intellectual, relatable everywoman,

mature, super-girly with an infectious giggle.

LAUGHS

So you want to be literally everyone and everything?

Correct.

Polish off your eyeballs.

DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

His skin is like a...

Waxed nectarine.

I know. Yeah. Gonna be filming with him tomorrow.

Gonna show him the joys of Dublin. - His face is like seeing music.

I mean, of course you fancy him. - What? No.

Trish, I'm #volcel.

No, no. I just need to dress sexy for my rural viewers.

I'm all about my career.

Well, my advice to you is don't wear my baby and don't be weird.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

GASPS There he is, Trish.

Go.

- Hi! - Yeah. Privet.

I'm Dave. Studying English. You probably know that, though,

cos I've got a book in my pocket. Yeah.

I'm obsessed with Russia, so...

MUSIC CONTINUES

You have a very beautiful moustache.

- Yeah. - I used to have one of those,

but Trish made me get rid of it.

To be fair, you could only see it in certain lights.

I could only see it if I closed this eye and looked back, like, there.

I could feel it in the wind a tiny bit, then I got rid of it.

I've also shaved down there...

by which I mean my legs... Joanie Macaronis.

- Real quick, um... - Mm-hm?

Do you smell burning toast? Are you having a stroke?

I think your friend's having a stroke.

I think she's having a stroke! Is anyone here?

I am fine!

Trish.

I think we both know that I am not that person any more.

Ooh!

Phew.

I'm actually pretty wise.

WAVES BREAKING

What's the deal with your face?

It's just the new palette. Everyone's wearing it.

- Do you not have to blend it in? - No.

Hey. What's up, everyone? Finally touched down in Ireland.

Had a legend of a taxi driver on the way in.

Told me they gave Pierce Brosnan a sainthood.

Hi, Joy! I'm Will!

SHE LAUGHS Banter. I'm so glad you got that.

- What's that? - Oh, it's my sponsor.

It's a multivitamin rehydration beverage

that gives you the skin of a three-year-old with good skin.

Oh, cool. I've got a sponsor.

They're wipes for your... wiping needs.

Welcome to Ireland, Will. - Super stoked to be here.

Oh! Stoked. Stoiked.

You're the expert at finding joy in this town.

I'm hoping you can bring me some joy, Irish style

Oh. Steady on, Will. We've only just met.

No. No. I just meant, er...

I know what you meant, you absolute dirt bird.

LAUGHS

So, I've done some research, Will,

and it turns out that Dack is a Nordic name.

So first up is the Viking Splash tour of Dublin.

Ar-r-r-r!

- You all right, mate? - Yeah.

So, uh, what did the Vikings trade?

What do you want them to have traded?

I don't know. I guess maybe food.

I guess food too! LAUGHS

Well, the one thing we do know for sure about the Vikings

is they were... obsessed with their helmets.

Yeah. They were, er, they were fierce, though, right?

Oh, yeah. They could be so mean to other guys.

But mostly they were fiercely sexy.

Are you, uh... Are you OK?

Yeah. Fine. I'm just being me. Just doing me.

You seem kind of nervous. Are you, uh...

Having a stroke? Absolutely not!

Mate.

GROUP CHEERING

- We are straight in. - Oh!

Ar-r-r-r!

Will, sea gulls!

Irish sea gulls. They are so Irish.

Will, look at those swans!

Yeah.

Yeah. It's pretty grey.

- Will, look at the s... Look! - Yeah.

At the sky.

That's great.

LAUGHS Yeah.

SIREN CHIRPS It's chilly.

Are you stoked now?

Yeah. This is... Yeah. It's all right, I suppose.

BIRDS SQUAWK

Hey, Joy. Look. I'm Australian, so I'm pretty straight up.

I'm just gonna go straight ahead and tell you that I'm cold

and wet and I don't do so well

with cold and wet. It disrupts my epidermis.

That's OK, because we've lined up an amazing destination

for our next stop on the tour.

We are going straight to second base.

Are you rolling, Stan? - Erm, Joy,

I don't really think second base is appropriate given where we are.

The Book of Kells!

I don't really read a ton, so...

It's OK, Will. It's mainly pictures.

The monks who did it coloured in the entire thing, those madzers.

I mean, they basically invented mindfulness colouring.

And we all know how joyous that is, right?

SHE CLICKS TONGUE So it's... it's not on Audible?

- Oh. Will... - It's a joke.

LAUGHTER

You're so clever and handsome and funny.

SHE CHUCKLES

Look. You seem really nervous.

- No. - Or anxious, like.

Ill at ease? - No.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

Yeah, it is much quieter here.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Yeah. That's...

Could... Do you want to... Let's cool it and just talk.

- Mh-hm. Mm, mm, mm, mm! - OK.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

You know, I'm actually more of a talker than...

Let me pop these little fellas off for you here.

...than a fighter.

Um, do you want to go downstairs or...

VOMITS

I'm so sorry, Will. I was just nervous.

I am nervous. I'm just trying to be something.

I just got so distracted by your insane skin

and the fact that you have so many subscribers

and you've been doing this so much longer than me.

But can I be honest with you, Will?

I have rosacea. - Ah! So the make-up.

So the make-up, yeah.

These lines here were added because I wanted cheekbones.

Oh, yeah.

That's totally chill with Will.

Chilly Willy. CHUCKLES

Uh, they were ice pops, erm,

we used to have in... in Ireland in the '90s.

Chilly Willys.

Why don't I take you on the real tour of Dublin tomorrow?

Not the tourist stuff.

- I would love that. - Yeah?

And no more Viking helmets, OK?

We'll never say never on that front, Will.

Sorry.

Oh, my God. In real life, Will is even more of a ride.

#Volcel isn't gonna make it to the weekend.

Uh, bet you a tenner.

I bet you 4.5 million euro.

Oh, my gosh. Done.

How's your involuntary celibacy going?

My marriage is... SHE SIGHS

I know I can't be such fun to be around, but that's OK,

because my husband is literally never around.

And I know having a baby is hard on couples,

but I feel single in the worst way.

Do you know what I'm gonna do for you?

What?

- I've got it. - OK.

My special hug-a-roona rooskers.

GRUNTING

Oh, God. You are so bad at nurturing.

It's like... It's like getting a hug from an elbow.

I know. I know. I know.

'Oh. You think you can beat me in a stare-down.'

BABY MURMURS 'Ha-ha! Sickener!

'You're weak, like a little... baby.'

Today, to keep things more... SHE LAUGHS

...intimate, I'll be letting Stan go.

Yes. Will will be covering me.

Oh.

That sounds like a stallion and his mare.

SHE LAUGHS Sounds like a total mare.

Well, thanks, Joy. I really want

to catch Christie today, get some lunch.

Yeah. I mean...

I'll be having foodstuff with ride features, so... cool.

- Cool. - Cool.

Cool. - Cooler than that. Yeah. Cool.

Oh.

EXHALES DEEPLY Yes.

Cool.

Hey, Joy, what was that ancient Irish tradition called again?

Cans at the canal.

Hey, look. I love it.

And you're sure you don't want

to be doing anything more exciting or...

No. It feels so great to get away

from my clean image for one whole second.

Your smile is so vast.

Aye.

Are Australians born with extra teeth?

Yep.

Hey, Will, have you heard of the whole #volcel thing?

Oh, the no-sex thing?

Like actual voluntary celibacy? Yeah. It's a huge deal.

I accidentally committed to it on camera for a year.

Made a lot of noise online. So I'm now wearing a virtual chastity belt.

I could get up on Paddy Kavanagh here,

but that's cos he's made of copper.

Thems is the rules.

Bummer.

No, Will.

That's the whole point. Not even anal.

Privet.

Hiya.

SMOOCHES I have your jacket.

I didn't want it to shrink, so I popped it in a cool wash.

I think it still shrunk a bit.

But it does smell of patchouli. I can wash it again if you...

Would you like to go out on a date some time?

Joy, you puked on my...

and on my...

- Russian military wear. - ...Russian military wear, so...

No. Absolutely. Definitely. That's OK. Thank you so much.

It would have actually been nice

to get to know you. It's just all the...

Yeah. The weird stuff. Yeah. I know. Yeah.

Be good and, er, seize the means of production.

Definitely.

Nostrovia.

Marxism isn't a joke.

I'm literally never drinking again.

Two pints of lager and two baby Guinnesses!

We don't do alcohol.

I'll have... I'll have a West Coast Cooler.

A Bailey's. I'll have a Bailey's coffee.

- We don't do alcohol. - OK. Fine. I'll just have...

I'll just have a glass of wine.

- Do you know that they serve... - In McDonald's in Germany, yeah.

Are you wanting cheese on your fries?

Yes, please.

REGISTER BEEPING

GASPS

I can get these chips for free.

My car... Will. Will! I can get these chips for free

cos these guys, they think I'm a big deal or whatever.

It's grand. But I've got a...

I've got, like, a card. It's like a gold card.

It's like a gold card, I guess. - Yeah. Sweet.

Yeah. That card was rescinded.

Coming at you from a place called Abrakebabra.

Take this and don't say another word, please.

- That's 20 euro, 57. - Shh.

Shh.

- Shh. - Shh.

Shh.

COINS JINGLING

Could I have a cabernet sauvignon?

Even at 3am at Abrakebabra, boy's got zero pores.

Look at that. Wow.

Hey! Now we're talking. - Hey.

Yeah.

Potatoes chopped into smaller pieces

and covered in cheese from cows in green fields. It's so Irish.

I think the Yanks invented fries, no?

- French fries? - Mmm.

Mmm.

How do you have so many subscribers, Will?

You just keep doing you, Joy.

They'll find you.

MID-TEMPO TANGO PLAYS

LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS

Get in there.

BOTH LAUGHING

Oh. Close the door.

Oh. Mm.

Shh! JOY LAUGHS

Stan, are you wearing a bra?

What? That's my bra for my breasts.

Joy? Stan?

Sorry. Which breasts?

Is that your arm? No. That's not an arm.

Oh, hang on. - Oh!

- Oh! - Hey.

Oh. Er, heya.

Sorry. This is, erm, this is Will.

- Hi. How's it going? Will. - Christie.

- Will Dack. - You know Stan.

- Yeah. We met. - Hey, Will. Yeah.

Yeah, so we might just go on and head it on.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

SHE LAUGHS I thought you were volcel.

He's... He's on Aussie time, so I guess we've already done it,

so we may as well just, just go again.

You guys are weird.

LAUGHS

GROANING

'Who's this guy?'

I just wasn't sure at what point to say anything

cos there's so much happening in the dark.

This is Will from the Internet. This is Trish, my best mate.

- Hi. - Hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you. - Oh.

- Your smile is vast. - Yeah.

Hey. Look. Can we go up to your room?

- Yeah. - Is that OK?

Yeah. Night, Trish.

Let's go. JOY AND WILL GRUNT

'Oh, my God, Trish. His skin is like a waxed nectarine.'

The light!

DOOR CLOSES

SIGHS

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING, BARKING

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com