Original subtitles

Are you ready to be reborn?

Yes, we are.

Deffo!

Then step through the walls of the vagina

baby first, placenta second,

baby holding placenta's hand and... become.

DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

Lovely. Baby first. Placenta second. Lovely.

Slow. Hi, guys. Congratulations. Gorgeous. Hi, Mags. How are you?

Baby first, placenta second.

Uh... no placenta? MUSIC STOPS

Oh, my placenta bailed on me.

Can I still be reborn?

Well, we don't recommend it. You'll be lacking in nutrition.

I mean, we could try.

- Er... - Please?

Oh... no. CHUCKLES

It's just it's kind of hard to do a... boop, boop, boop!

Back up the birth canal.

EXHALES DEEPLY OK. Fine.

Be reborn.

DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

'But what if we made a mistake?'

'Aidan, we've tried and tried to make this work.'

'I love you, you love me,

'so why does it feel like it isn't enough?'

'Maybe it isn't enough.'

MUSIC CONTINUES

'Look. I think it's best for us both if we move on.'

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS

Now you are reborn.

You feel completely different don't you?

That's 187 euro.

MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS

You can pay on your way out.

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

She's back in and back out and back in again.

HE LAUGHS It's a gas.

Stan.

I brought you along on my solo freelance adventure

to help me build a brand, not to watch me be born

and unborn and reborn all over again.

That's not what I'm paying you for.

- You're not paying me. - Exactly.

And why is that? - Because you have no money.

And why would that be, Stan?

Because you left a job that you actually were being paid for?

And why would that be?

OK. I don't know the answer to that one.

Refreshing. Well done, Stan.

- You make a beautiful baby, Joy. - Oh. Thank you, Emer.

But it's also a major rebirth metaphor.

Is it a metaphor if that's literally happening?

- Yeah. - Yes.

One hundred percent of the audience are gonna get this.

OK, guys, I got on board this whole pared-back Joy 2.0 setup

because it's all about control, OK?

We need to reclaim our vaginas from the patriarchy.

Absolutely. My penis is the worst.

OK. And without further ado...

Whoop.

These are bum wipes?

Wipes. Yeah.

They're sponsoring this week's rebirthing piece.

Sponsor love. That's so cool.

Yeah, a sponsor is cool,

but, Emer, do you think that we could get, like, better...

- Sponsors? - Yeah.

Like glowy skin-care stuff?

Yeah. Like eyelash serum.

- Eyelash serum. - Eyebrow serum.

- Eyebrow serum. - Face serum.

Face serum. Absolutely.

Just get your subscriber numbers up. OK? No pressure.

Let's all hope you were reborn a workaholic, Joy,

cos we all need to get paid.

Otherwise it's curtains.

MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHING

- This is so much... - Stan.

Yeah.

BELL CHIMES

Oh, my God. Emer, look at this.

Yeah. I'm just gonna go.

- Emer, look. - Joy, I'm on this desk today.

Yeah. No. I know we did discuss it

and I take your point that it's a desk rotation space,

but I don't think that means we need to rotate the desks.

It's just that I've got an important project on, Joy,

and I'm under a bit of pressure and I need a desk.

This desk is rubbish. If I sit here, I have to go

all the way over there to pick up my photocopies.

And I've got four hours to find a way of marketing scallions

in a sexy way that doesn't objectify them.

Are they lady scallions?

Yes. So I am under pressure.

Time is money. - Scallions are money.

Well, scallions plus time divided by money...

Oh, my God. Just kiss already.

The sexual tension is too much.

Emer.

There's literally no sexual tension.

Great. Yeah, Emer.

I mean, it's not as if I've ended up sharing a tiny office space

with someone I had a really awkward one-night stand with.

I bloody knew it.

Well, isn't that Dublin for you, guys?

She did say that she thought that I was in,

but like just for a minute. Maybe less.

- Emer. - Emer.

Sorry, guys.

Emer. - What?

Too much.

OK. Next up... finding your roots.

Genealogy.

Nah. I don't want to do that.

My mum is convinced that her great-grandfather

murdered a couple of people from...

...from the countryside. Maybe they were farmers.

I'd say they were farmers or shepherds.

Shepherds or farmers, I guess.

I just feel that could get awkward for old Joy face here.

What if we got a nice hair-dye sponsor link-in, you know,

"Back to your roots"?

Do you know, that was so long ago and I'm obsessed with roots.

I'll ask my mum if it's OK. - Why do you need to ask your mum?

Isn't your great-grandfather dead? - He's beyond dead.

Legally you're fine, then.

- OK. Cool. - OK. Thanks, Karen.

If you could just...

So, other challenges from the viewers.

- Yeah. - "Wear a cat in a papoose."

Shite. "Sing everything you say for a day."

Yes. Yeah. ♪ I'm walking down the street

♪ And now I'm going to the toilet. ♪

Clearly doesn't work.

"Play kiss-chase with total randomers on the street."

OK, what I will say is

that that is just completely illegal for adults

under EU law, on account of it is sexual assault.

And even worse than that, I don't know if any of those

hold the key to lasting lifelong happiness. Those are dares, Emer.

- My idea. - OK.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS School.

You're going back to your old school, Joy.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Oh, my...

Do you know, I would love to go back to there.

- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure!

- You don't sound sure. - Yes!

Great. Because it's an amazing idea.

- Do you like eggs? - I like scrambled eggs.

Coming right up.

LAUGHTER

It was more like a fried egg.

I'm sorry. Did I get your order wrong?

No.

Thanks, Becky.

Did she just breathe?

WHIMPERS, GROANS

For the DNA roots piece,

it's gonna take at least a week to get the results back.

But for now, you're going back...

- Ooh. - ...to school.

CAMERA BEEPS Yes.

Ye-e-e-e-s.

Yes! SHE LAUGHS

Facing your past, facing your future, everyone.

The new Joy 2.0, literally born yesterday!

That's what this is about, more subscribers

and getting loads of free stuff!

Come on, Phillip!

Make scallions sexy again! - Yep.

Freelance Legal Karen! What have you got for me? Come on, Karen!

Just trying to get a court injunction over the line

in relation to child human slavery.

Come on.

CAMERA BEEPS

I'd... I'd cut that.

I'm... I'm sorry! I don't control the cards!

SOBBING It's not an exact science!

WOMAN WEEPS

I told her her husband was never gonna leave her.

Some people just don't want to hear the truth.

Speaking of which, hi, landlady.

Hiya. HORN BLARES, TYRES SCREECH

Oh.

I also predicted difficulty crossing the road, to be fair.

Is she OK?

She'll be fine. SHE SIGHS

You know, Christie, if I had known

that reading tarot was your only source of income,

I might have been a little bit more worried

about you being able to pay the rent.

GLASS CLANKING

And eating all my yogurts!

What's in your future is me replacing them by tomorrow. Promise.

Christie, being freelance is so hard.

I understand that. But I need rent.

And I really need my Bifidus ActiRegularis.

- What's more important? - Yogurt.

How about I make it up to you by reading your cards?

No. No way. No. Absolutely no way.

Also if my cards are bad, I'm just gonna follow you around the house

looking really sad and really worried, like this.

OK. You've got a point there.

I've never lived with one of my patients before.

You know, the way you said "patients" there...

You do know that tarot is, like, not medical?

It is. It's like when they say laughter is the best medicine.

That is a metaphor, Christie.

Next you'll be saying Dr Phil is a doctor and not an actor.

Oh, no. He is a doctor.

- What? - Yeah. He's a head doctor.

Oh, no. Wait. No. Maybe he's a really good...

Is he an actor? Maybe he is an actor.

Is he an actor? - OK.

So, the key to understanding Dr Phil is in his name.

In fairness, there are some actors I would let...

- Doctor Phil. - ...examine me.

No. It's not Actor Phil.

Like George Clooney, because...

- Do you understand? - ...he has played a doctor.

Anyway, that is not the point. Look.

The future is your thing. The present is my thing.

Dealing with the now, that's my thing.

The now is looking a little low on rent.

DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

See? Look at you.

You handled that so well.

- Beautiful. - George Clooney...

I would allow him to give me a routine examination.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Just like a standard smear.

Don't be nervous, Joy. You'll be deadly.

I'm not nervous, Stan. Honestly.

You're wide of the mark there.

It's just like any public speaking.

You have to imagine them all naked.

Wait. It's a school, so... children.

Maybe you're naked.

Cos that's not illegal,

for you to be naked in someone else's head.

Wait. If you're naked in my head...

You're... No.

You speak. I'm naked. You talk.

N... You're... I'm the camera... Stan.

GIRL COUGHING

Uh...

HIGH-PITCHED: This is such an incredible honour.

This is such an incredible honour...

FEEDBACK SQUEALS ...to be here.

I mean, yeah, I get recognised on the bus sometimes,

and I'm like, "Guys,"

but I don't see myself as a success because of these things.

But to be invited back to your old school,

it really feels like one of those "You've made it, girl!"

moments.

Just to be clear, your producer called us

and asked could you come back.

Said you'd be dynamic. Said you'd be wise.

Yeah. Some lovely words there. Thank you.

Yes. So, as you all know, my YouTube channel

is about finding joy... an enjoyable pun

for all you English heads out there.

And I get it, guys. Being a teenager

is one of life's biggest challenges.

I'm with youse all. I'm on team You Guys.

Just last year, I also faced a massive upheaval,

and I overcame it to set up my own business as an online entrepreneur

with, thankfully, a lot of subscribers.

Clara's channel has one million subscribers.

Hey, guys. Hit me up for some top tips on fashion,

cooking, make-up, and interiors.

Interiors?

Interiors.

Well, that's a lot of people.

But, you know, I find that it's more about quantity...

quality. Oh! Quant... Sorry.

Quantity is what you have, but I think it's about quality.

Basically what I'm saying is

just keep trying, guys. Keep trying. Except for you, Clara,

cos you can nearly take your foot off the gas there,

you're doing so much. How do you even have time to study?

I mean... - Nerd!

Sorry. Old habits.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Or, you know... a joke.

Yeah, let's call it a joke. Continue.

Just some fun banter there between me and Ms Glynn.

Like the good old days, eh? I've missed that, Ms Glynn.

Have you, though?

I really doubt that.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHS STIFFLY

Yes, I have. I have. Yeah. You've got a real crowd going here.

A real mob. Fair play to you. FEEDBACK SQUEALS

I know that being a teenager is a strange time,

people wrestling with their emotions,

their physical urges...

But I think it's really important not to let these define you.

We have to reclaim our vaginas from the patriarchy.

Are you volcel?

Yeah. No. Loads of people are volcel.

Yeah. Everyone's volcel. It's the new thing.

Well, yeah, I am. Exactly.

So what would be really cool at this point

is if you could describe volcel for me in your own words.

For my subscriber base.

Voluntary celibacy.

People who don't have sex for a year.

LAUGHTER

Excellent. Ha-ha.

LAUGHTER

So, yeah, I mean, basically... it is a challenge.

It's gonna... It is a challenge.

But I think that challenges are good for... your brain.

What will you do with all that energy, Miss?

Well, I think it's really important to keep that energy for yourself

you know, just express it as self-care, self-love, even.

Are you talking about wanking, Miss? LAUGHTER

Well, I guess that's one way of expressing self-care.

We're not actually allowed talk about that without a consent form.

Well, I think that we should be teaching it in classrooms, actually.

Masturbation? LAUGHTER

Will you teach us, Miss?

Yeah. Help us find joy?

LAUGHTER

That went well. BELL RINGS

I'd say you're not used to being outside the principal's office,

are you, Joy? - Oh, no, Stan.

You see, the thing about me is I was really bold.

I was bold to the bone. Me and Becky Glynn... boldies.

Psst.

- What are you in for? - Uh...

I got snared cartwheeling in the corridor,

doing this cool move for Becky and the guys.

AIR HISSES

Yeah. But I clipped Mr Murphy in the face with my shoe.

That's so cool!

- What are you in for? - I didn't do anything.

I just prefer being in here than out there.

She loves me. AIR HISSES

- And to get out of hockey. - Hockey is so scary.

AIR HISSES

People charging at you with sticks.

Getting whacked on your kneecaps.

- Freezing cold hands. - Freezing cold hands.

- Jinx! - Jinx!

AIR HISSES

- I'm Trish. - Joy.

- You're both complete nerds. - Shh.

AIR HISSES

Come here, Joy. Did you really mean that stuff about becoming a nun?

Yeah. I'm thinking about it for ages.

It's such a coincidence that it came up today.

So blessed.

Oh, hey, guys.

Adults are such nobs, guys.

Grown-ups are dicks.

I know. Yeah.

This was so me, back in the day at the bike sheds.

Is it OK if I scab a bit off you?

Ugh. School.

AIR HISSING

WHEEZES, COUGHS

GROANS, WHIMPERS

COUGHS, LAUGHS

Is it pomegranate? Peach?

It's actually weed.

Pure THC.

Very strong. - Yes.

I was just thinking that I would like that

and now it's inside me, which is chill.

Drugs.

Oh, my God! Sketch-sketch!

WHIMPERS

LAUGHING

LAUGHTER Oh, my gosh.

That was so Colleen Dana. LAUGHS

Stan, have you got any fizzy jellies, any fizzers?

- Uh... - Hey!

Yeah, maybe I did feel like I had to try harder to fit in!

But not any more, nun features, cos I've been reborn!

Do you see a nun?

No. JOYS GASPS

Ske-e-e-e-e-tch!

Hiya, burger guy! 'Hi.'

So, burgers with cheese, bacon,

thick-cut fries and waffle fries and crunchy fries.

Super-size of all the drinks. HORNS HONKING

And cheese on everything.

Nuggies. Nuggies. I'll have six nuggies.

-'OK.' - Twelve nuggies.

24... 36 nuggets, I guess. HORNS HONKING

-'OK.' - We'll see...

We'll literally see you in a second.

'Yes, you will.' - OK!

- 'OK.' - Thanks!

LAUGHS, HORNS HONKING

- Are you the man from earlier? - It's just you two?

I thought there was a rugby team coming through.

Why would you think that I have something to do with rugby?

Oh, my God! Look how high you are!

Your eyes are like saucers!

You're like a cartoon stoner.

That doesn't even mean anything.

- Not to you, Grandma. - I'm actually not older than you!

- You're fucking ancient! - I'm in a car! It ages me!

What, you think the lighting in here is soft?

Why are we fighting?!

- Would you like curry sauce? - Obviously!

Fuck.

Thank you.

ENGINE SHUTS OFF Sorry!

SIGHS

I told her her mother-in-law was gonna survive, so...

Your flatmate is so... fascinating.

DOOR CLOSES

Hey, was that your friend Stan out there?

Yes, it was.

Oh, my God. You should totally tap that.

Yum. I am his boss.

And I don't want to be like Don Draper.

Why not?

Also, I think he likes you.

Pfft. Oh...

Also... I'm volcel.

- Voluntarily... - Celibate.

What will you do with all that energy?

Why do people keep saying that? DOORBELL RINGS

GASPS Oh, my God!

I think he's called back for you! This is so romantic!

- I don't... - Ooh!

LAUGHTER Are you ready?

- Yes. - OK. Oh!

Ah. - Oh.

- Are there any more babies in here? - No.

- Is there loads and loads of wine? - Yeah.

- Then get out of my way. - Oh!

I met you earlier... past you.

Past me is dead.

- Here. Let me take your... - Take my baby, Joy.

What are we watching?

Game Of Thrones.

It's pretty violent, and there's a lot of shagging.

SWORDS CLANKING

Trish. Yeah, it is. It's over-18s, so in front of the baby...

I'm actually looking for ideas

on how to kill my husband, so it's kind of perfect.

Turn it up. - OK.

SWORDS CLANKING, CROWD SHOUTING

I'm just hoping that they have sex symbols with leaky boobs

and stitched vaginas,

because we are under-represented on the screen.

Sorry. Am I being too loud? - N-No.

Where's that wine that I've heard so much about?

Oh, Trish, should you be drinking wine with your sexy, leaky boobs?

- I'm bottle feeding now. - Yeah, absolutely

And this is the only thing I've watched this week

apart from Five Little Ducks.

And I'm sorry, but that story is crap.

Every duck going over the hill.

So repetitive.

And the mother duck never learns.

Every duck.

Like, come on! - Yeah.

SWORDS CLANKING, HORSE NEIGHS

GULPS

EXHALES DEEPLY

I feel amazing now.

I have been through sort of a rebirthing process myself.

I think what Joy is trying to say is,

why don't you go upstairs and have a nice long bath?

Yeah.

Go and run a bath, Joy.

- Oh. - Run a...

- Absolutely. - Run a bath. Yeah.

Make sure it's the fancy bubbles.

Yeah. BABY CRYING

And I will exercise everything I've learned

from watching Hollywood Nanny on E!

And I will get you to sleep, OK?

- OK. - Who runs the bath? Girls.

Who runs the bath?

- ♪ Girls! ♪ - ♪ Girls! ♪

'Also dogs, ladies, please.'

The only wrinkles I wish I had more of.

Bath wrinkles. - Mm-hm.

Oh. Let me read your palm. Oh, my God.

You're gonna have seven more kids, you mentalist.

- Oh. - Jokes.

I'm way better at cards. Let me do your cards.

Oh, not a chance. I've had a bath and a litre of wine,

and I don't need anyone telling me

that a bus is gonna drive into my face.

- Go on, then, I'll do it. - Oh, yes. Ooh...

Oh, my God, Joy. You're gonna go on a journey.

So generic.

You're gonna meet a person from a faraway land.

JOY VIBRATES LIPS, CHRISTIE GASPS

Ooh. Someone's gonna have a threesome.

Well, I'm volcel, so... No posible.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, go on. I know this one. Death card.

Everyone always freaks out about it. But it's really good, isn't it?

No. You're thinking about the reaper card.

No. This is the death card. This is bad.

Someone close to you is going to die.

JOY LAUGHS Come on, Christie.

I believe in actual science,

things like the Bermuda Triangle and stuff.

BABY CRYING I'll get it!

CRYING CONTINUES

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

BARKING

DOGS HOWLING, BARKING

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com