Original subtitles

BIRDS CHIRPING

'Yes! Lovely sunny day, nice start.

'OK, I got very little sleep last night

'because, well, I nearly died

'and then he showed up and I nearly died.

'Then, of course, after the crazy, intense moment it all kicked off

'into all sorts of...' CANINE AIDAN WHISTLES

'On that, is doggy style a general thing, or is that...

'Anyway, it's not that I was looking.

'Mother of St Francis of Assisi, no!'

♪ Get up, get dressed And get happy ♪

No kebabs!

SHE GRUNTS

'Morning! Ha-ha!'

'OMG! Tell me if it's too soon, but is there any chance

'we could all just go for brunch together?

'I've missed crushed avocado toast.

'OK.

'Yay, sports brassiere!'

'Er...

'Nothing, nobody? Where is he?!

'What do you have to do around here to get a happy ending?'

Canine Aidan, come back.

CLICKING

Aidan?

PHONE CHIMES

God...

PHONE CHIMES

SIGHS

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

DOORBELL RINGS

Aidan?

Oh, my God. Aidan, I'm coming.

I'm coming, Aidan!

- So, he's back, then? - Huh?

I can go around all the other houses

and come back and leave you

if you want to finish your business.

No, erm, he's not here.

So what have you got for me, big boy?

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I, er... I'm a bit on edge.

I had this really, really weird night last night.

Is Amelia there?

No.

She's gone, too. She's been really brave.

She's gone to a beach resort in Bali to find herself.

I liked her.

Anyway, weird one, I need to collect something from you.

Your Abrakebraba gold card? They want it back.

Something to do with bringing kebabs into disrepute.

Something you did on the Internets?

They're rescinding my Abrakebraba gold card?

I did not have you down for one of them Internet diddler ladies.

I just want to see you happy, that's all.

This is just who I am, Aidan.

I don't know how to do it any other way.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi. We need more steam pipes in our general area

so the local residents' association

are having a meeting on Tuesday and would like you...

KNOCK ON DOOR

I do not need more steam pipes in my general area!

- You and me both. Ha... - Trish!

Never having sex again, which is fine

because it feels as if my vagina might fall off anyway.

So, I guess that takes care of that.

Trish, I'm so sorry.

There I was making it all about me

but I just wanted to share with you that I was opening up.

And I wanted to share with you that I am also opening up!

- Come here, come here! - Do not touch me.

I'm having a bloody baby! I'm crowning.

Oh, Jesus, Trish, I've always been a little bit uncomfortable

with that word. - Shut up!

Your phone was off and Tom is away again

and I think I'm actually in labour

and I feel like I'm dying and I'm terrified

and I can't stop shouting!

OK, OK. You listen to me, right.

It's too early. It's not due till next week.

It's a few days early so this isn't happening.

It's absolutely fine to scootch it back in.

Tell that to the baby!

Scootch up, scootch in! Scootch up!

Stop fucking talking, start doing something now.

Help me! - I'm gonna help.

TRISH MOANS I'm gonna help.

Trish, stand back. I'm gonna help.

Hang on a second. Excuse me!

Oh, my God, excuse me.

Excuse me!

Get out!

Get out, get out, get out!

My friend is having a baby.

I need to drive her to the hospital. Get out!

TRISH GROANS

Will I not just drive her?

Yes! Yes!

TRISH BREATHING HEAVILY

OK, just, uh, keep breathing.

I am breathing, which is ridiculous

because when am I never not breathing?!

Yes, that is a fair point. You are always breathing.

What are your contraction times now?

My contractions are like every two euro.

What does that mean?

What did they say in the baby class?

I suddenly can't remember anything.

What they said was that you, erm...

They said to just...

- What? - Erm...

Keep breathing. TRISH MOANS

Keep breathing.

Distract me, distract me.

Everybody singing.

♪ Sinne Fianna Fail

♪ Ata faoi gheall ag Eireann. ♪

SINGING IN GAELIC

RINGTONE PLAYING

Oh, God.

Erm... PHONE BEEPS

- Charlene? - Cringe!

I know you probably feel like a laughing stock right now

and that would be a fair call but it will pass, I think,

and we need to get you back on that horse

and that's not a euphemism for what you did to that yoga instructor.

OK, because look, Joy

I know you feel like emigrating right now

but you must stay and come to the News Awards instead.

Let's go. -'Tonight.'

Look, I can't. I can't, Charlene.

Flora is going to want this to go tits up, OK?

But we're going to keep our tits down.

'Do you hear me? Head up, tits down.'

Head up, tits down. I have to go.

What are you talking about?

Head up, tits down.

Head up, tits down, go!

Is this supposed to help?

Excuse me, miss?

Sorry, I can't do any autographs right now.

My friend is having a baby.

No, your friend needs to fill out the patient registration form.

Oh, yes.

- You can take it up to the ward. - Thank you.

- OK, name? - Trish.

Trish. OK.

Name. Sex. You've had some of that!

You're doing so great, Trish.

When do we think that Tom might be here?

Oh, that prick!

He calls me last night to tell me

that he's having the greatest steak bearnaise of his life

at his work event.

Oh, distraction. Distract me.

What did you have last night?

Nothing.

TRISH QUIVERS

Tin of Lilt? Tin of Lilt.

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah!

Ohh!

- That's so beautiful. - Oh, yes.

Oh, I needed that.

TRISH MOANS

- How are you doing? - Honestly, you can go back to work.

It's totally fine.

No, I'm not going to leave you.

Seriously, I'll just pour bearnaise sauce

over the placenta and make Tom eat it.

Oh, distract me. Oh, my God1 - Ow! Erm...

Scott Disick set his beard on fire live on the Internet.

- Did he really? - He did, yeah.

Ohh!

I also set myself on fire on the Internet.

I mean, it's a metaphor but I might need to leave the country now.

Oh, my God.

I saw that.

BABY CRYING, JOY GROANS

The Mojo Awards are on tonight, and I don't want to go.

I just want to... Aah! Ow!

Jesus, you're so strong.

No, you should go.

What will you wear?

Aidan also called over last night

and I slept with him, I... I think.

Please, you're in a labour ward!

- Sorry. -You think?!

You think?

Did you sleep with him or not? - Yes, I di... I did.

I... Yes.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

OK.

Well, I have a vox pop question for you

and you have to answer me honestly.

The bare honest truth, Joy.

OK.

Do you still love him?

DOOR OPENS

Oh, Trish.

TRISH GROANS

- I'm sorry. - I know.

Excuse me. Thanks very much.

It's time we got you down to the delivery room.

Be back in a second.

OK, you've got this, yeah? You and Tom.

Head up, tits down.

Go to the awards, face them.

I love you.

I know we're always looking for more answers, you know,

but maybe the best answer is just...

the simplest thing we could do.

Be.

Just breathe.

When I say tits down, I mean tits up, my friend.

Strap those babies up as high as medically possible

and face the world.

Hey, Joy?

I love you, too.

EXHALES DEEPLY

RINGTONE PLAYING

PHONE BEEPS Hi, Mum.

'Darling, don't you look lovely?'

Hey, Mum, did you see that clip on the Internet?

'I did, love. Your Auntie Nora sent it to me.

'And I didn't show it to anyone else so you don't have to worry.'

Oh, well, that's a relief.

'I saw it, too.'

Jesus.

Mum, what are you doing later?

Is there a chance that you'd come with me to this...

'I'm going over to Auntie Nora to read RIP.ie.

'What are your plans?'

Just facing the world while my soul is dying.

- 'You enjoy that, love!' - Hey, Mum?

Can I come over for dinner tomorrow night?

'Oh, sweetheart, we'd love that.

'I'll make shepherd's pie... with milk mash.'

Plain old shepherd's pie is fine.

'We're having a bit of mash definitely.'

Bye. PHONE BEEPS

PHONE CHIMES

Jesus.

SHE GROANS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Canine Aidan?

Close, a little less hairy.

Well, some of the time but close.

Amelia!

I only got as far as Holyhead.

FYI, your clip has reached Wales.

- Oh, God. - I knew my pal needed me.

I thought, "Well, if I want to do some growing up on a beach

"I could always go to Brittas Bay for an afternoon layered in wool."

I mean, that is if you'll have me back.

Buh-buh-buh.

JOY LAUGHS Of course.

Oh, I was so sad.

I know. Mm.

Amelia, will you do me a favour?

Yes.

Will you come to these flipping awards with me

as my human shield and general emotional-support animal?

Because I kind of slept with Aidan last night.

Oh, God!

After I told the rest of the world that I wanted to have his baby,

so I'm sort of also dealing with all of that.

Jesus, I was only gone for five seconds!

Did you even manage to put the bins out?

- No. - Oh, lads!

Right, well, I suppose I'm touched that you've asked me

to be your human-shield support animal.

AMELIA GROWLS

Right.

SIGHS No.

Well, that's awful.

That's just a string, isn't it?

Come on.

Too... Everything's flouncy.

OK, I'm going to need two things.

Vodka and some masking tape.

Oh, see, see, we can be immature and grown-up at the same time.

It's not all about changing to make yourself better.

It's about accepting yourself,

but that that may also involve some change.

- Exactly. - Mm-hm.

- Oh, God. - Ah.

Right, finish that.

Chug it, neck it.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING OK. Just be cool.

It's Amelia and Joy.

Congratulations, Rachel O'Flanagan

for her special report on vegan toddlers.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Everybody is looking at me.

They're looking at your knockers,

wondering how they stay elevated without any bra on.

Congrats, you're the David Blaine of boobs.

Hiya. - I can't.

You can't believe they're being held up with masking tape.

Actually, be genuinely careful later on when you whip it off

because you could lose a nipple.

OK.

...Joe and Jim Lonergan for The Truth About Turnips.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Drink this.

Whoo!

Ohh-ohh-ohh! Ohh!

Where is everybody else?

Hi.

What are you doing? Stop it! No!

I need cider.

Can I get two pints of cider and shots?

Of cider? - Sure.

I'm in business myself.

Sounds very interesting.

Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.

AMELIA VIBRATE SLIPS

Joy, you look great.

Thank you.

It's just masking tape, polyester and deep shame.

Well, it suits you.

And I'm sorry you're not on the other table.

We just didn't think you'd dare come.

So, well done for coming. - Thank you.

Oh! THEY CHUCKLE

- Shots? - Yes.

GLASSES CLINK

I just want to say that I think you're really brave,

not in the same way as a firefighter

or a first responder, but...

But you didn't want to throw yourself in like that

and yet you did and you were honest.

It's really inspired me to go and find my own happy.

I'm gonna go for it.

- Go... -OK.

...for it.

OK, you glorious humans, here's a biggie.

Now, I've been a fan of this gal from afar for a long time,

so I have to say it gives me disgraceful amounts of pleasure

to say that the winner for the best lifestyle feature is...

Hey, isn't this our...

...The Happy Hunter.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Good for you, Joy.

Good for us.

Thanks, Charlene.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE

Joy, hey, I'm sorry.

I didn't know they were going to use that stuff.

They took my camera.

It's fine, Stan. I know.

Look, thanks for all your help.

Where are you going?

Oh, I just need to go and check on a friend.

It's really bad reception in here.

Maybe... Maybe we could dance later.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Yeah?

Absolutely.

Yeah, cool. Absolutely.

- Cool. - Cool, yeah, cool.

- Ah! - Have to hand it to you, Joy,

didn't think you'd be able to pull any of that off.

The pieces, the exposure the recovery, that dress.

But I know when I need to say I'm wrong.

Listen, er, Flora's going to be back next week,

which isn't brilliant news for you, but we're very grateful

and we hope that you got something out of it.

To be honest, I think I did.

So, thank you.

- Any time. - Well, no, no more times.

Yeah.

But the really great news is,

everybody's still using terrible grammar.

Hey! - Yay.

You're going to be back at your desk on Monday morning.

OK, thanks.

MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYING

LOCK CLICKS

'You have no messages.'

CLATTER

KNOCKING

Hello?

KNOCKING Hello?

Could you pass me through some toilet paper, please?

Oh, uh, yeah, sure.

TOILET PAPER RUSTLES

Thanks.

Is that you, Joy?

Flora?

Yeah.

Listen, I just wanted to say,

I honestly think you did a great job.

I'm sorry if I was a bit, you know?

I was just a bit intimidated, I guess.

You're funny, Joy. You know that?

You don't try too hard and you cheered me up

when I wasn't really in much of a happy place myself.

TOILET FLUSHES

So...

...thank you.

THUD, WATER RUNNING

God, what a relief.

Those vol-au-vents really go right through you.

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING

Listen, chicken.

Big fans. We're from News Everyday.

And we are loving the shit out of you.

Here, take this.

- Your SuperValu clubcard? - No.

Our business card.

We would like to talk to you about maybe coming over to us

with Finding Joy.

Well, thank you, but...

Think about it, OK? Call us.

Schmoozing.

Amelia, it's Joy.

Listen, I hope you have a great night,

but if there's a chance

you could come back at some stage tomorrow

because I'm trapped in black tie.

My zip is stuck.

The tape is melted on to me. I can't get out.

Have fun.

PHONE CHIMES

CHUCKLES

CLICKING

CLICKING

CLICKING

SWOOSH

'It's been a roller coaster,

'but I think we're going to be fine with our new happy.'

I am all exhausted.

'I mean, who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

'Soz for calling you an old dog

'but I mean it in the highest regard.'

CANINE AIDAN PANTING

'Night, Joy.'

RINGTONE PLAYING

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com