Original subtitles

When I was younger, life was uncertain.

Curious phenomena like...

back-to-school Glenroe music panic attacks on a Sunday night.

White dog poo.

Fat Frog ice pops.

'White dog poo?'

But who knew that life would turn into this?

I've got an Abrakebabra gold card.

Life has blossomed for me, Canine Aidan.

'Yeah, notice I have a chicken wing still stuck in my throat

'from the last doggy bag you brought home.'

I've just evolved so much you know?

Really tuned into understanding people now

I mean, really hearing them.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy! - Oh.

Sorry, you were lost in your little bubble thingy.

Oh, yeah, I was just telling Canine Aidan how mature I've become.

Oh, excellent.

Like, take for example when you moved in.

I was overwhelmed by you and your mess.

OK.

And then somehow I just learned how to cope with it, you know.

- Yes. - Yes.

And now I've got a certain social responsibility

that's reflected in free kebabs.

As many side orders as I want.

"Hey, do you want loads of free sauce sachets?"

I'm like, "Yes, put them in the bag."

CHUCKLES

I mean, things have got pretty exotic for me.

Yeah, do we hug now?

It's just cos Scott Disick is setting his beard on fire

live on the Internet in like five minutes.

Mm, excellent.

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

JOY HUMMING

Hey. - Oh, hey, you.

Where are we going to go for pancakes?

Oh, God, yeah!

No, I can't.

Oh, no, Joy.

- Oh, no. - Where are you going?

Oh, I can't go for pancakes, Trish.

I got to go to work. There's just so many people relying on me

to sort out their happiness right now.

What about my happiness? What about happiness-related pancakes?

Mm-mm. Can't do it.

Oh, you pinky swore.

I did, I did, Trish, but look.

It's just a really big moment for me, OK?

I mean, I really think that I can do this job,

which is just so weird because, I don't know,

I guess I always figured I was going to be

behind-the-scenes editor forever, you know,

like I was born to correct grammar or something.

I'm scared, Joy.

I'm scared of what's gonna happen next when she says push.

And then who am I then? - I mean, don't get me wrong.

I mean, I still love an adverb as much as the next person

but this has really been something for me.

Has that ever happened to you? Humour me for a second.

Has anything so big or new and exciting

ever happened to you that, I don't know,

felt like it was changing you or something?

LAUGHS This is so crazy.

Remember when you were afraid that I was incapable of changing?

LAUGHS It's so weird.

I have been incapable of changing for two days

because Tom tied my shoelaces too tight

before he went on his work trip.

I'm going to capture this moment.

I can't get out of my own shoes.

Smile!

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS, JOY CHUCKLES

Aw, it's gorgeous.

We look adorable.

Oh, Trish, I'm sorry.

Oh, do you know what? I know how to cheer you up.

Mm! Are you ready?

I'm going to let you have my Abrakebabra gold card.

You can go get your brekkie there.

A kebab for breakfast?

As many sides as you want, all the sauces.

I know you pregnant people like to eat all sorts of weird shit.

So, you're welcome!

Why are you being such a dick, Joy?

- What? - Seriously, we're not kids

any more. We're not making friendship rings

out of Lilt pulls.

LAUGHS They were good days.

This is you avoiding the tricky shit...

again.

I don't do that.

GROANING

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, don't look at me.

Oh, don't touch me.

If you need to break up with me, I completely understand.

Are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

I just shat at the bottom of our friend's garden

in the middle of a housewarming party.

Yeah, you did.

This wouldn't have happened to Anthea Turner.

Joy, I had a poster of Anthea Turner in my room when I was 12.

I've grown up a little bit since then.

You're my girl, in good times and shit times.

Oh.

Let's go get you up into the shower, huh?

- I'm too weak to fight you. - Up!

I'm too weak to fight.

Just don't go too crazy on the sides.

We don't want to attract too much attention to anything.

Bye!

- Ah! - Morning.

Morning.

Human Growth Inc are holding a hot yoga session

at Grand Stretch in the Evening. Get in there.

Pain and growth,

stretching through the knots to feel happier.

- Growing pains. - Or to feel taller.

I actually knew someone who grew three inches from Pilates.

It could be trickery,

like those secret wedges Bono wears in his shoes,

or it could be science.

Yeah, by the way, got to make this one a really good one.

Got a rep to protect now, Charlene.

He knows it, yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh.

Hi, there. Sorry. Excuse me.

Could I ask you a few questions?

Mm-hm.

Now that you're old...

...der than before when you were young...

younger, does happiness change?

Happiness is peace of mind.

Your own choices.

Family, friends, work.

Love.

Not playing the lotto the one night your numbers come up.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, sorry.

Fuck, indeed.

But the real moments of unhappiness that stay with me

are the regrets.

If I had that time again in the palm of my hand,

I would choose to live every minute without fear,

connected with the people I love.

You're going to get bored of me, I know it.

You know what I'm bored of?

I'm bored of this,

the same conversation over and over and over.

There is a difference.

HE GROANS

Oh, hi, there, sir.

You're young, you know.

Does your definition of happiness change the older you get?

Do I know you somewhere?

I'm the Happiness Hunter for News Today.

It's no big deal.

Well, actually, it is. LAUGHS

Expectation versus reality.

Oh, I know where I know you.

We shagged in the porta-loo at Epic Festival.

What?

Oh, no, no, the sun's catching.

Yeah, I can see she was hotter than you and younger.

Yeah, my bad.

MAN CLEARS THROAT Take it easy.

Have you ever been to Epic?

Never been.

- It's meant to... - I've heard good things.

Yeah, music.

Hello. Excuse me. Could I ask you a question, please?

Do things change as your relationship goes on?

But of course things change.

Sure, my heart doesn't skip a beat any more when I see him

but things move on.

He makes me tea when my knees hurt

and he makes me laugh when my heart hurts,

and that's better than a tummy flutter any day of the week.

I like that.

HE LAUGHS

We can't just keep saying this turned out

how it was meant to be.

We did have a choice.

You've changed.

Yeah, of course I've changed.

I'm trying to share my life with somebody.

You haven't.

Oh, there you are.

You are going to love me

so much more than you obviously already do.

Do you remember that girl from the wrestling?

Yeah.

That funny, hot, lovable, sassy girl

that made the wrestling segment such a screaming success?

- Yeah, yeah, I do, yeah. - Was it Sarah?

Yes, it was... That was exactly what it was.

It was Sarah. - Well, I got in touch with her.

And I've managed to get her to come to tonight's event, too.

So you're all set up, and you're welcome.

Hope you're not getting bored of all of this.

Bored? No way.

It's the opposite, really. It gets more fun.

How are you finding all this?

Deadly, just trying to be the best at being deadly.

There's talk of Flora coming back

and I'm like, eh, better not ever do that.

BOTH LAUGH

What's this one about?

Growing up.

Erm, Stan, what do you think about making this one, er,

just, like, a little sexier?

Like...

Uh, yeah, sure.

- Is that OK? - Absolutely.

Want to come for a kebab with me later?

Absolutely.

How do you like yours?

Bit of tomato ketchup and a bit of m-mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise.

Erm...

I like mine hot.

Very hot.

Like, so hot your tongue would be throbbing.

Joy, Joy, we were just talking about you.

- Hey. - Over here, ASAP.

Come and meet Flora properly.

Flora, Joy. Joy, Flora.

- Very nice to meet you. - We've met loads of times.

Oh, I just had a full-body massage

and then some genius took the cucumber from my eyes

and put them into my gin tumbler.

I have never been so happy.

Joy, they exfoliated all my dead skin cells off

like a very relaxing exorcism.

Thank you, Flora. - Honestly, it was nothing, guys.

Tiny candles that smell of summers in Rosslare

is not nothing.

CHUCKLING

Listen, thanks a mill for filling in for the last while

and thanks so much for doing your best.

Let me give you something from the goody bag.

Erm... no, I'm going to want that one.

Oh, here's a sample.

Anti-wrinkle cream. Yeah, I don't need that one.

- Oh, thank you. - There you go. Nice to meet you.

We have... met.

Sweet little thing.

We do need to discuss about me taking over again.

OK.

Yeah. - Yahoo.

FINGERS SNAPPING

Something wrong with this mat in the front?

OK, everyone, welcome to A Grand Stretch in the Evenings.

Now, I know the idea of this might seem silly to some idiots.

Am I right?

We all have this idea of what our life is going to be.

And then shit happens.

If we don't address this, we internalise it all

and we hold on to these stresses

until they become physical knots inside of us,

blocking our ability to be happy.

OK, everyone.

Downward dog.

Oh, Stan, I don't think this is a very sexy angle.

Oh, yeah, no worries.

Hey.

And salute.

Who'd like to be the first this evening

to share their life problem with us?

I'm a failed musician.

I always thought I had really tight quads

but I think maybe now it's cos my dreams have died.

Excellent! Next.

I feel like I'm running out of time to find happiness.

To be fair, you're not getting younger.

I thought it was a physical knot inside of me, but it's a kid.

I'm knocked up and terrified.

I don't even know how to make myself happy.

How will I know how to make my child happy?

Do you honestly think I'm worth duplicating, like really?

Yes!

I mean, you have your stuff but everybody does.

I would honestly... I would have a billion of you.

Well, maybe nine, realistically.

Actually two, you know, with the cost of school books, groceries.

Yeah.

Anybody else like to share their life problem

with us this evening?

So I always figured honesty is the best policy for stuff,

but I've also had this knot for a while

because I feel like I've been used a bit.

Oh, is that... that by your guy?

Do you think maybe he's not over his ex or something,

like he's using you as a distraction, maybe?

No, not by him.

I know how he feels.

By his ex.

You're just sweating.

- Sorry. - No, you're sweating a lot.

Is it reading on-camera?

It looks hot, literally.

Like, it's... it's good. It's good.

Just wipe your face.

Yeah, see, I know how he feels.

We're realistic about what we want. We talk about it all the time,

our hopes, our fears, our dreams.

I'm just not sure where she's coming from in all of it.

Hold this stretch for one more minute.

One minute. To your corner.

58...

57, 56...

55, 54...

Five, four...

My wee is on there!

Two, one.

It's a no!

Ha-ha, it's a no!

It's no.

Yeah, yeah, I heard you first time.

BREATHING HEAVILY

Oh, I can't do it any more. Ah!

MOANING

Oh.

Oh, Aidan, look at you. You're back.

I thought you'd forgotten about me.

I did.

That was me.

I was going to have your baby and buy school books,

not her, not Sarah, not Anthea Turner, us.

Now you're back to me, you beautiful rock star.

Yes, you are, yes!

And you don't need to make love for two hours a night any more.

We can go back to our life.

Our life.

Come here to me.

Oh.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Fucking hell.

JOY GROANS

Jesus Christ.

SNIGGERING

JOY GRUNTS

Jesus!

Oh, Mummy!

Oh, my God.

Namaste.

I'm... I'm fine. - Hang on. It's OK.

HE CHUCKLES It's OK. Sorry.

Just carry on.

OK.

- You OK? - Yeah, absolutely.

SOBBING

DOORBELL BUZZES

Trish!

Trish!

SOBBING CONTINUES

- I miss everything. - Oh, yeah, like what?

- I miss Fat Frog ice pops. - Mm.

I miss roller skates. I miss punts.

I miss the original Pippa in Home And Away.

Oh, yeah, God, she's great.

I miss when everything was simpler and my life felt easier.

Oh, growing up's a pain in the arse.

In fact, that's exactly where growing pains are,

right in the arsehole.

I mean, screw growing up to be an astronaut or a princess.

Turns out I've grown up to be selfish dickhead.

Yeah, imagine, I used to think I could fix animals.

I mean, how do I even fix me?

You don't need to fix you.

You're honestly the coolest person I know.

Yeah, that's probably true.

But it's time I stopped running away, Joy.

Time I grew up myself and faced some truths.

That's why I'm... I'm heading off to Bali to find myself.

You're leaving?

Yes, but you're going to be so fine.

You've got Trish. - Trish?

Trish hates me because I pretended

that she wasn't really having a baby because...

...because maybe I couldn't face up to the fact

that I had my own regrets.

That's not a cappuccino.

Yeah, I went out to get a cappuccino

but you know how you go out to get something

and then you get distracted and you come back

with something completely different?

Yeah, like a... flat white, not a cot.

So the guy next door, he was throwing it out

and he said that maybe we might need one of these

one of these days.

Pfft!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, come on, like, we barely even discussed anything like that.

Also, I mean, that kind of stuff can take forever.

It can take like 20 years.

OK, so when you were younger did you ever think you'd get married?

Yeah, to Johnny Logan but then you grow up, Aidan.

Exactly.

And I just think that maybe we could be mature enough

to have an actual grown-up conversation about us.

Maybe Canine Aidan could use it as a fun den.

Joy, that's, like... That's all part of it, you know.

Life is like a bikini wax.

You can't have happiness without pain,

and it is pain, but it comes out lovely.

I'm really gonna miss you.

More than Fat Frog ice pops?

Yeah.

Stan from work is calling over.

Will you send him up to me when he's here?

Cos I think I might need to have lonely person sex with him

and maybe that's OK.

It is, and I will.

Go on.

Thank you.

GLASSES CLINK

Yeah, bring the bottle.

And make sure you go full pen.

Really treat yourself. You deserve it.

SIGHS

BOTTLE THUDS

SNIFFLES

Jeffrey, it's Joy.

Erm, look, I'm sorry for letting you down

but I don't have anything for you this week.

We can't use the footage because, erm...

Well, I'm sorry.

PHONE BEEPS, SHE SIGHS

PHONE CHIMES

'You have one new voice message.'

'Soz, Button, I think we just missed each other there.

'This is gas. Stan is so wrong.

'OMG. This is hilarious.

'OK, gotta go. It's trending all over Twitter.'

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE CLATTERS

CANINE AIDAN GAGGING

Aidan, Aidan, outside!

CANINE AIDAN WHIMPERS

SHE SIGHS

CANINE AIDAN GAGS

Aidan!

Aidan, Aidan, spit it out! Spit it out!

Stan, help me! The dog can't breathe!

There's something stuck in his throat.

Who's Stan?

- OK, reach into his mouth. - OK.

Come on, Aidan! Come on!

Oh!

It's a chicken bone.

I thought I lost you.

I think I've lost you.

I saw your video, everything you said.

'OK, I'm confused, yeah, uh, yeah.

'They're doing that thing. Downstairs!'

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com