Original subtitles

BIRDS CHIRPING

'Another lovely sunny day.

'This is nice. Lovely start.

'Trish and a dandelion, everything's going to be OK.

'Stop the lights.

'Her shoes. This is chaos.

'Oh, Jesus, she's going to wake up horrified

'that this blouse is just flung over the chair like that.

'If only I could do a quick fold.

'It's times like these I wish I had opposable thumbs.

'Oh, ge... Oh, there she is.

'Oh, Joy, I know there are bigger things in life

'but please, those feet.

'Sandal season's coming. Get your shit together.'

Aidan, it's your turn to make toast.

'Aidan, he's back?!'

Butter to the edge, no crust.

'Super-intense tail movement. Oh, my God!'

- Aidan. - 'I need a wee. I'm weeing.

'What the absolute fuck?!'

My name's Phillip.

What's yours again?

'Oh, Phillip is a ridiculous name.'

Oh, get off. Oh.

- Ah. - Oh. I'm so sorry.

He can be a bit...

I cut off his testicles, actually, to see if it would help.

- You what? - Not me, the vet did it.

Oh.

So, you're in marketing, you said.

Yes, yes indeed.

Six months now.

Oh, you enjoying it?

- Very much so. - Oh.

Oh, hiya.

Erm...

Amelia, this is Phillip

and he came to fix the thermostat on the immersion.

And tell us, Phillip, did you just hammer away at it

or did it just need a little fiddle?

You know, it's funny, though, it was working for me this morning.

I just ran a lovely hot bath.

Amelia. Oh!

Something else came for Aidan. You signed for it.

Oh.

Who is Aidan?

CANINE AIDAN GROWLING

Phillip, you seem really lovely

but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now.

Oh.

CANINE AIDAN GROWLING

- Lovely to meet you, Phillip. - Yeah.

You have a good day.

Joy, oh, my God, I'm so proud of you.

Hey, was it full pen?

It was, it was!

There is no shame in that walk, sister.

You own it!

Full pen!

♪ Jean-Marie Le Pen! ♪

Come on, Ireland. Yes! DOOR CLOSES

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

- Good night last night? - Excuse me?

- Tea bag? - Sorry?

Please.

Thanks.

Hey, Joy. - Hey.

You look different. Did you do some...

Did I do someone?

- What? - Sorry?

Are you going to have some tea?

Yeah.

Oh, do you know what I love?

Dunking it in a little bit, taking it out

and then giving it a really good suck.

Absolutely.

So what's everybody riding... writ...

What's everybody writing today?

Antonia, what are you writing about?

Bet you it's going to be really great, so dynamic.

Psoriasis.

Should be good. Thanks, Greg.

Oh, hey, Charlene, do you know what I'm gonna write about this week?

Dating. Dating to get over someone or something.

Is it a good idea? Does it feel like you're settling for second best,

or can it bring real happiness?

Joy, initiative.

You're growing from a wallflower to an actual flower

with really good qualities.

That's brilliant.

Yeah, absolutely.

I think it can help, for sure.

I think you almost have to do it to move on.

It's like a territorial thing, like pissing around the bed.

Not to be confused with some twat

who can't hold 12 pints of ale actually pissing around the bed.

I would never do that to you.

I... I mean, I think it can't be too soon, though.

You know, I mean, I know women say they like a guy who can cry,

but I don't think they mean the first time you get together.

You know, like, when you're actually in there

for the first time.

Or whatever.

Absolutely.

Sometimes there's no going back, though, you know.

So what are you going do,

choose to be on your own forever? - Yes.

KEYBOARD CLACKING

Charlene, will you go on a date with me?

Charlene, will you go on a date with me?

GASPS

Will you go on a date with me?

That's weird. I thought you were straight.

No, for the piece. I don't want to go on my own.

I would be the person who'd meet the serial killer

for Martini Mondays, huh?

Charlene, I really need to know.

Oh. I'm testing the tester cream, Antonia.

I'll get back to you.

We could go on a double date for work.

You can ask them if they've got any... any flaky bits.

Well, that sounds sexy.

No, I'm going on a hot date with a woman from my yoga class.

I'm hoping to combine two great passions

cos I'm really stuck for time these days, you know.

I'm trying to be more time-efficient.

Go, now! Get out there and start talking to people.

That part of things is working really well.

Go and ask someone else to go on this date with you.

We've been through this.

Now bring it in with one of your best.

OK. Oh, it's just hard.

Oh.

BIRD SQUAWKING, INDISTINCT CHAT

- Hi. - Oh, Jesus!

I wonder, could we ask you a few questions for a survey?

I know you. You're the lady who does the pieces

about happiness and stuff.

Yeah, that's me. WOMAN LAUGHS

They're really great.

I love how you do that thing

like you don't have a clue what you're talking about.

It makes it really funny.

CHUCKLES

Yeah, OK.

So, you two. - Oh, yeah.

Do you think you've settled?

Like, you know the older you get?

- Mm... - Yeah.

Like, your first love is over and you need to move on.

Did you guys date anyone else before?

Oh, Barbara.

Sorry?

Barbara.

He went out with Barbara for seven years.

She went out with Bernard for three years.

Yeah, but I don't have "Bernard" tattooed on my tit.

Neither do I... just "Barbara" on me pec.

Don't tell her that.

That's so sweet. Thank you.

Thank you.

- What did you tell her that for? - I didn't.

You started it.

Hi. Could I ask you a question?

Are one-night stands a good idea?

Couldn't tell you.

I've no clue.

I've actually never had one. It's true.

Sometimes I like.

Whoa.

Have a lovely day.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Could I ask you a question about one-night stands?

Did I leave my socks at yours?

- Who's this? - We're done.

What is this? Who are you? What is this?

What's this?

What is this?

Will you? What, a double date?

Like you and me and the delivery guy

and the man who came to fix the immersion

but who, in fact, boned you? - Not them, new guys, fresh ones.

Wait, now. The man this morning was he a work thing?

This is starting to sound an awful lot like prostitution.

I'm getting very confused.

No, erm, this tonight would be a work thing.

It'll be online dating. Last night, that guy was...

That was just, like, a super-casual, breezy thing.

You know, just one of those things.

So thanks so much for meeting me again.

I just really wanted to apologise for kicking you in the...

In the vag.

It's OK.

So, did your boyfriend... did he... did he see any of it?

Would he have mentioned... Did he see anything?

- Did he mention anything? - Do you know,

I... I think we're going to get married.

Oh, so sorry. CUP CLATTERS

Sorry, what were you saying?

The other night, you know,

after we made love for a couple of hours,

he said to me that he's never really been able to open up

like he can with me.

I mean, like, before, he just didn't get anything back

like nothing.

His ex-girlfriend was an emotional stone.

An emotional stone.

EXHALES SHARPLY, CRUNCHES

Joy, Joy!

Three shots of tequila.

Ugh.

Heh!

Ahh!

Excuse me do you want to have sex?

Joy, Joy.

Yeah, just, you know, one of those super-casz things.

Hm. Ah, yeah, why not? OK, let's do it.

Oh, yes, thank you!

Give anything a try.

We just get, like, really drunk.

We just get cans of cider and neck them in someone's garden.

Uh, yeah, all right Miss Teen Angst 1995.

Or here's another idea. We could be normal

and just chat to them and get to know them

for five minutes before we puke all over them.

Well, that's good because I've got a list

of interesting topics in case the chat dries up.

You've got a list of in... Give me that!

My list of interesting topics, give it to me!

The weather! Town planning.

Town planning?! - Give it to me.

- Here's what I think. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. - Yeah, yeah.

- Are you doing that? - Yeah. I'm actually doing it.

Stop it!

This... This is what I think of your list of interesting topics.

- That's disgusting. - You're disgusting!

Oh, what's happening, Amelia?

What is happening? I've never even had a one-night stand

and I don't know what to do about the immersion guy

that we all know boned me because I feel like

I should be, like, going out with him now,

which I know is daft.

And I met my ex's new girlfriend

to pretend to apologise about this, like, work thing

and then she goes to me "Oh, I love him.

"We're going to get married."

And I'm like, "What is happening with this?"

And then she's like, "We made love for two hours on Thursday."

- What? - Two hours of riding!

And I'm going, "What is this?"

And she's like, "He says you're an emotional stone."

And I'm like, "Ah!" And she's like, "Two hours"!

And also I'm thinking that kicking somebody in the vag

after they've made love for two hours

is, like, you know, proper medical emergency down there.

That... That could be...

And also, I have had some vodka.

No way (!) Really

- You finished? - Yes.

OK, give me your hand.

Let's go on our date.

Two hours!

And she turned to me and she said, "You can have the house"

"but just leave the garage for your uncle."

Just got on the tractor and drove off.

Wow. - Yeah.

- That was just before she died. - Yeah.

JOY LAUGHS

That's very funny.

When my mum died?

So, gentlemen, what is it that you do for a living?

I'm a vet.

Oh, wow, Vietnam. Thank you for your service.

And what about yourself?

I am a cardiologist.

AMELIA LAUGHS

I used to think I was one of those

cos I had a little card-making business

making tiny little cards, but then I realised I wasn't one

when I was on a plane and a man got quite seriously ill

and all I could do was, like, fan him with an envelope, so...

LAUGHTER

I was like, "Oh-oh-oh." GRUNTS, LAUGHS

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wish I was there. I would have saved his life.

That would have been gas.

Good story.

Say something.

Um, you know when you hear of those stories

where somebody puts a hamster up their...

Do you think if they got into trouble

that they would go to a vet or a doctor?

DRYER WHIRRING

Oh, Joy, what the hell's going on?

I feel like if this was cold air it might help,

but it's very warm, and it's making me feel worse if I'm honest.

- Are you drunk? - Totally.

Amelia, I'm so terrible at small talk.

I want to go home. I'm so out of my comfort zone.

I want to lock myself in a cubicle but there's too many germs!

OK, drink this for Mama.

I normally just drink filtered water, really.

- Shut up, drink it. - Totally.

- Good girl. - Not so bad.

Lick the rest off the palm.

Good girl. Good girl.

OK, how are you feeling?

- Hydrated. - That's positive.

Yeah.

How do I do this, Amelia? - Oh!

You stop trying to do it and you just do it.

- You just do it. - You just do it.

- You just do it. - Do it.

Do it!

Do it, do it!

Yes, go, girl. No, wrong way.

This way. - Do it, do it!

- Oh, so sorry. - Oh, sorry.

THEY CHEER

Come on, he's on steroids.

Yes. This is like ancient Rome.

Yeah, but with more rights for women.

- And no lions! - No lions.

No lions!

SHOUTING, CHEERING

Faster, faster! Faster!

SHOUTING

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Retirement's bullshit!

♪ Let the fun begin... ♪

- Whoo! - Let's go.

♪ Hey

♪ I'm a wolf today... ♪

Oh, this is my song!

♪ I'll huff, I'll puff... ♪ - This is my song!

♪ I'll huff, I'll puff I'll blow you away

♪ Say you will, say you won't Say you'll do what I don't

♪ Say you're true, say to me

♪ C'est la vie... ♪

- Yee-hoo! - Whoo!

♪ Hey Na-na-na, hey

♪ Na-na-na, ho

♪ Na-na-na, hey... ♪

I fight like me da!

♪ Say you will, say you won't

♪ Say you'll do what I don't

♪ Say you're true, say to me... ♪

- Their chips are gonna go cold. - Mm.

I forgot to ask for gluten-free.

- What a fun night. - Mm.

You're fun, Joy.

Me?

I never really felt like I was anything really, you know.

Just like a standard human being.

Like a green fruit gum.

If you were gonna be a fruit gum, like, a green one.

And then around him

I sort of felt like I was maybe a bit more special.

Like a... Like a limited-edition red one.

Like a loganberry flavour, maybe.

Now I feel like I'm down a bit to orange.

I think you're like a blue fruit gum.

There isn't any blue fruit gums.

Exactly.

- How do you like that? - I see what you did there.

Yeah.

- Hey, Ed? - Mm-hm.

Can I ask you a serious medical question?

Look, I'll give you the 45 euro or whatever, no problem.

That's quite all right. I'll throw you a freebie.

Will you check if my heart is made of stone?

Not a chance.

What... What did you feel, like, mid-snack box?

You really grabbed this one by the balls, Joy.

Yes, but I did leave that detail out

because I thought it was a little crass.

Joy, sit down.

We wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job.

Our figures are up. Your figure is up.

People are responding well to you.

They like your honesty,

the fact that it's not all polished.

They think it's relatable or something.

Who knows what's even going to happen with Flora.

I mean, they think it's a comedy, but we roll with that.

People think that it has heart.

Real heart.

That's down to you, Joy.

Me?

My heart?

Oh, hang on. I think I hear something.

What?

It's a noise.

Oh, I find chicken tikka hard to digest.

It could be that.

No, no, this is different.

I think you have a heart, Joy.

THEY CHUCKLE

Don't be ridiculous.

TV PLAYING

Do you know what?

You just got to be where you're at when you are.

Do you know that kind of way like?

- Do you know that kind of way. - Do you know that kind of way.

You know, kind of way.

Seriously, though, how do you deal with all of it?

Mm.

I think I'm kind of like the opposite to you,

so I try to make everything really busy to avoid silence.

So I try to make my head really noisy

instead of blocking it out.

I think I try to grab every opportunity for happiness

just in case it all gets used up or something.

So kind of the same but totally different, as well.

Exactly.

It's all very confusing, really.

Life is a bucking bronco.

You just got to hold on and ride it.

I definitely held on and rid it.

Oi, oi!

BOTH LAUGH

So shattered, roomie.

Oh, hey, I made you something.

- Did you? - Mm-hm.

One of my little cardiologist things.

Oh, my God.

PAPER RUSTLES

Hiya!

I love it.

- Oh. - Oh.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, Stan's coming over for his camera.

Uh-huh.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Jesus, that was very fast.

Don't eat my cheese.

Look, I've said I'm sorry, OK?

For what, Joy? What are you sorry for?

God, you're so sanctimonious sometimes.

You know that? It's not all my fault!

I don't... I don't care.

Have you come over here to tell me

how many days you've been with your girlfriend?

Oh, no, wait, hang on. Saw that on Instagram.

That was a nice touch.

Yeah, well, you don't own time, Joy, or Instagram.

No, I don't, Mark Zuckerberg.

That's Facebook, actually.

Oh, yeah.

Why are you here?

I came for my parcel.

It arrived here, I think.

I forgot to do the change of address

so it comes here automatically.

Is it for her?

It's her birthday.

It's so weird being back here.

Yeah, it is weird.

So you don't want me to go anywhere.

You can go to the shops if you like.

Or, I mean, Meath is fine. - Meath?

Yeah, or any of the other counties bordering Dublin.

I'm finding this hard to gauge, Joy.

You see, one day you keep me at arm's length

and the next you don't want me to go anywhere.

What if you fall for someone when you're there?

What if you're just with me cos you can't have Anthea Turner?

OK, Joy, I liked her when I was 12,

but look, just cos I'm physically not here,

it doesn't mean I'm not with you.

Oh, and just in case you hadn't noticed,

I'm going on a cycling trip with a man named Terrence.

SHE LAUGHS

And I'm pretty sure I don't feel the same way about Terrence

as I do about you.

AMELIA GRUNTS Aah!

Hiya. 'Yaysers, some fun.

'Glad there's a break from the people whose smell I don't know.'

- Wanna play marry, shag, kill? - Yeah.

'Ooh, that sounds like a brilliant game. Can I play?

'I did my business outside today for the first time in ages.

'So come on!'

Van Morrison, er, Prince Andrew

and then Phillip the immersion guy?

Um...

- Marry Van Morrison. - What?!

Yeah, well, I don't want to shag him and I don't want to kill him

because I did get a photo with him at the St Patrick's Day Parade 2012

and I would feel so bad.

Shag HRH Andrew.

Obviously, Randy Andy.

And marry Phillip the immersion guy.

- No, you can't. - Oh, yeah.

I don't ever have to see him again. Uh, shag.

Oh, balls, I've already done that.

Um...

I'm going to kill him.

Oh, God, I mean, you could

give the poor lad his socks back first.

'Not after I've ended them.'

CANINE AIDAN GROWLING

LAUGHS

OK.

Shag, marry, kill.

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING

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