Original subtitles

'There she is. Think it's gonna be

'totally fin... Suitcase? Wait a second!

'What in the name of balls are you doing? Are you leaving?!

'Are you leaving me, as well? Abandonment!

'I'll try harder. Get me a cat flap or something.

'For Jesus' sake, I haven't shit on anything in weeks.

'In. Right. We'll see how far you get without socks.

'Hey, you! No!' - Aidan, let go.

- 'You let go! No!' - Aidan, let go.

'You let go! Oh! Why does she always win?

'Think, Aidan. Think logically. I can't. I'm a dog.

'OK, emotionally.

'I know. I'll leave this here.

'You might need it.

'Your actual heart.'

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

This isn't scary.

This isn't terrifying.

This is just a girl in the world,

looking for happiness like everyone else...

...except sometimes it ends up on the Internet a little bit.

You wrestled her on the Internet

and she said you kicked her in the...

In the fanny.

To be fair, that was an accident,

but then she gave me a dig in the boob.

What's going on, Joy?

What is this new thing that you're doing?

I could ask you the same question.

She has a name. Her name is Sarah.

I'm delighted for her. She seems to have everything.

Names and everything. - Why are we whispering?

Because I don't want Canine Aidan to know you're here

because we miss... He misses you, or whatever.

You gave me no choice.

Is this just us trying to validate our lives, our choices?

How is everybody else doing it? Should we care?

How do we do it for ourselves?

What, and where, is our happy place in this mad old world?

CLICKS TONGUE Argh!

I know this must seem scary, but to be fair to me

there was basically no way to interrupt you

once you'd started all of that.

Oh, sorry.

This is, er...

- Conor. - Yeah, this is Conor.

He's a barista.

So, tell us about this happy place.

URINATING

HIGH-PITCHED: Oh.

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOORBELL RINGS

Can I take you to my happy place?

Jesus, Joy I know you're lonely, but...

I'm not. I'm not lonely.

Just want to take you to my happy place.

It's this week's assignment.

I have to stay the night in this place

that does Reiki and reflexology and alternative stuff

to help clear your chakras and help you find peace

and all that stuff.

I find it all a bit weird

but I just thought it might help you deal

with the whole Eddie thing. - Joy.

It's cool if you don't want to talk about it, Trish.

I went out with Eddie for seven days on our Leaving Cert holiday.

- I don't want to push you. - I've been married to Tom

for eight years.

This would help you deal with that denial.

Joy, I can't go away with you for the night.

This person's gonna arrive at any moment

and I know everybody says it's a wonderful experience,

but I don't want to remember a single thing

about a tiny human being exploding out of my vagina.

- Wow. - So when it all kicks off,

I don't want to be in the middle of nowhere with a crazy person

trying to coax the baby out with feathers and crystals.

I'm gonna go for all the drugs.

All of them. - Absolutely.

Here she is.

Well, you stay here and finish cooking that.

OK. I love you.

I love you. - Hey, enough of that now.

- I love you! - Shush.

DOORBELL BUZZES

- What? Oh. Joy. - Hey.

- Joy, it's you. - Is Mummy in?

Oh, love, you're here!

Oh! - Oh!

JOY'S DAD SIGHS

THEY CHUCKLE

Yeah.

Mum, could you come away with me

for the night to this retreat thing?

Actually, we were just sort of in the middle of something.

Yeah, there was this fun article in the Sunday papers

about Sting and Trudie Styler.

Yes, the really funny thing was

the word "tant..." - Tantric.

Also came up in the crossword. didn't it, Alex?

It did, yes. Yes, it did. Nine down.

Do we need milk?

OK, I'm gonna go now.

Honey, we keep What Is App'ing you to come over for dinner

and you keep shrugging us off.

Well, I know I said I found it hard to cook for three instead of four

because it's like...

- Aidan's gone, so... - M&S only cater for two or four.

But, honey, it's OK.

I can just freeze the extra portion.

I could come after you.

- Oh, you certainly will. - Oh!

JOY'S DAD LAUGHS

Bye. Come on.

JOY'S MUM LAUGHS

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

Hey.

So, I'll see you down there. - Yeah.

I just have to cover Greg's piece

on how you can really make your communion money work for you

and then I'll be all over you.

I'm really enjoying our assignments.

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Not because I'm a... Voyeur.

Voy... Voyeur.

Voy... Sorry.

I'm never really sure how to say that.

It's just because, I mean...

erm...

it's fun working with you.

Sure, there's the... the sky.

Welcome, angel.

I'm Sylvia.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life

of telling unhappiness and self-doubt to fuck off.

SYLVIA GIGGLES

Oh.

Mm.

So, you've signed the form agreeing to full submission

of the house rules, yes? - Yeah.

Well...

come with me through the vagina of life!

I can take that.

It's just that I've got all my stuff in there.

All my creams and my bits for my face.

I can be quite particular about my skin-care routine.

I've been told I have a little bit of rosacea, actually.

They cannot bring you happiness.

OK, it's just all of my stuff is in there

like my PJ's and my dressing gown.

SYLVIA ROARS

Goodbye, things. The brochure did warn not to bring things

of material value, and to book before the end of the month.

We've some great bank-holiday offers.

JOY BREATHES HEAVILY

SHE SIGHS

CHIMES RING

So, if everyone can join hands in the circle...

Let us channel our creative energy

by sharing it with one another.

I need to give you some positivity.

- Oh, no. I'm fine, thank you. - Oh.

So, my little cherubs, why are we here?

I feel I need to find a way to be happy again.

I mean, I was happy with Sheila...

...before she slept with four people off the residents' association.

Yeah, I need to stop shopping to fill hole in my life.

I'm convinced one more pair of shoes, and I'll be satisfied

but it's only making me sadder.

My niece thinks it's cool that I live in a shoe den, but...

she is two and a half, you know?

I ate four eclairs after only getting 23 likes for a selfie,

so I need to stop looking for approval from everybody else

just cos my confidence is in my pants right now.

Sorry. No, it's not "in my pants".

It's... What's that expression again?

- In my boots. - In my boots.

Boots.

Because everyone's meant to be living

the perfect life in the perfect relationship,

sometimes I feel the pressure gets so heavy

it might crack my skull open.

Like, actually crack it open.

But I've discovered, as I hope many of you will,

that that can't actually happen.

Isn't that right, Sylvia?

Thank you, Fintan.

And what about you, Joy?

What has brought you to this place?

Oh, it's just a work thing.

Erm, working on myself.

Are there things in your life that you've been unwilling

to face or own up to before now?

No.

Everyone else thinks I should be doing things differently

but I'm OK with how I am.

I believe everything you're telling me

as long as you are truly happy.

Yeah, yeah. Very happy. Happy out.

Happy just doing the things the way I do them.

I think everyone else just needs to accept that, I think.

So, where is your happy place?

Alone.

Or with... five people.

I do like five people.

SPORADIC APPLAUSE

Out of a population of seven billion,

she likes five people.

Yeah, to be fair, she was never gonna get to know everyone, was she?

But do you think you're growing as a person, Joy?

- I have been thinking... - Mm-hm.

...a lot about all of that stuff, and...

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

I just want to say that I am gonna try to let go a bit.

Good. Because you're not the only one

who's had to let go of a bit you know, for us.

OK, good.

And I'm gonna start by doing things and...

and ideas and stuff and things.

That would be great, Joy.

That would be great. Thanks.

Come, cherub.

From here? - Come.

Come. Come.

Come. Come.

I just want to say, actually, I don't think I need to start crying

or start buying shoes or anything, you know,

just to prove that I feel a certain way or whatever.

I just want... - Just lie down.

OK.

This is just a gentle technique to cleanse the aura

and release pent-up emotion.

Pfft! Oh.

Don't be alarmed if you become emotional, Joy.

It's just your pent-up negative emotions

finding a place to...

Oh. Cool.

This is sage to cleanse your aura

and dandelion oil to clear away all those dirty energies.

OIL SLOSHING

Mmm.

SYLVIS SPITS Oh!

What the hell?!

Dandelions are so stupid.

This is all so stupid because it clearly doesn't work,

because nothing, look, nothing, nothing has come out.

It doesn't work. It's...

Do you know what? I just...

I would like a refund, actually.

Cash in 50s in an envelope.

Because this is...

just daft!

The happy place? This is called a happy place?

Does this look happy to you?

I'm gonna tell our subscribers about it, as well.

This absolute farce!

I've never in my life...

Fucking dandelions!

MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

- Hey, Joy. - Hey.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I don't know how to do this piece, Stan.

BREATHES DEEPLY

I'm not sure I know what intuition feels like.

They keep asking us to listen to our gut feeling

but the only gut feeling I have is extreme hunger

because I think they think eating nice food is bad.

BOTH CHUCKLE

I think that's what people like, Joy.

You don't pretend to have all the answers.

Just be yourself and you'll be great.

Just be your lovely non-judgmentally self.

I'm not sure I have a non-judgmentally self.

Of course you do, Joy. Let's get back. Come on.

I'll just patch it back in.

Oh, Sheila I forgive you, I forgive you.

We should never have moved there. It was my fault.

We should never have moved there.

Let us all reconnect with nature,

give thanks to the trees.

Thank you, trees!

Thank you...

deciduous conifer.

Sorry I haven't been in touch lately

but I did want to say thanks a mill for everything, you know.

Really nailing my career right now

and my personal relationships.

Oh, I'm living with somebody who takes a bath

with bearded strangers, and it turns out I have no friends

and I might be quite odd, so I just wanted to say...

- Oh. - ...thank you that I lost it

in front of all these strangers.

Just here? Yeah?

Thanks. Very kind of you.

So... TARA CHUCKLES

...I invite you now to let go of your emotions and... Oh.

And allow Mother Nature to heal your broken heart

in her leafy bosom.

- For fuck's sake. - Fuck's sake.

BOTH LAUGH

CLANG

Look to the sky.

Tell me what you can see.

I can see a cloud in the shape of a...

...a shoe.

I see the tail of an aeroplane cloud.

It's probably Sheila off to Barbados with ten lovers off our road.

I see some pretty great lighting for a good selfie here.

What about you, Joy?

I just see potential sun damage, really.

One of those birds there coming over here

and just shitting on me into my mouth.

It's worrying me a little bit.

I haven't had a tetanus since last May.

What I want you to see are the limitless possibilities.

Fly as high as that beautiful sky.

Stan likes the sky.

There are no limits.

There is the limit that when you go beyond

the Earth's atmosphere you completely implode

in an orbital velocity. - Shut the fuck up, Fintan.

Tell unhappiness and self-doubt to fuck off.

Join me together. CLANG

Fuck off!

- Aah! - Aah!

GROUP SCREAMING

Fuck off.

WIND GUSTING

THUD Oh.

SIGHS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh.

Is that...

Is that butter on my face?

- Yeah. - Yes.

I don't have any of my stuff.

I've got very specific skin-care needs.

I've got dry skin and rosacea, so this is helping moisturise.

- Yeah. - I don't have a dressing gown.

That was also thrown in a ditch in a bid to find happiness.

Yeah, you're, like the Bear Grylls

of the retreat world. - Yeah.

Yeah.

How do you still have those? They're contraband goods.

I snuck down to the ditch.

I needed to rescue these guys, so I could sleep.

Really?

Yeah.

They're gorgeous.

Maybe you should do that.

Oh. Oh.

Uh!

SIGHS

Ah, yes.

Oh, yes.

There.

Hey.

Don't go.

Stay another night.

Are you sure that's OK?

Yeah.

And maybe after that, stay every night.

CLANG 'I really hope

'you all got something from this experience.'

If there is any one thing you would take away,

what would it be?

The small shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom.

No, no. No, not things.

Because things do not define me.

CLANG

In order to be happy

it's all right to be really, really sad first.

CLANG

It's good to see you again, Fintan.

I'm going to try and get out of my own head a...

CLANG

SHE SIGHS

I think maybe I am lonely.

I've never minded being alone, but this feels different.

And it's not like anything bad happened in my childhood.

My mum has apologised for feeding me

those really bad chicken nuggets,

but she said everyone was at it in '80s.

But it does feel like it's getting harder to be like this.

It's really hard out there, too.

I mean, so many exhausting feelings, so much potential for pain.

Like, why can you not compromise on anything?!

Like, what's wrong with you?

Why can't you just say it?

Fuck this shit.

Fuck this shit.

DOOR SLAMS

SHE SIGHS

I love you.

SIGHS

Thanks a mill for helping me come and get my case.

You are so welcome, but as much as I hate to break

this moment of altruism, my case was in there, too.

Oh. Yeah.

I'm glad I did this.

Yeah, me too, I think.

You know, what Sylvia wants...

throwing away all your baggage,

I don't think it's entirely realistic.

Yeah.

To lighten your load maybe.

Figure out what you're willing to keep carrying.

You know, we should swap numbers

promise to meet each other for lunch like 57 times

until we both eventually accept that it's never gonna happen.

I'd like that.

Great.

Hey, Tara, as my new never-to-be-seen-again friend,

I think you should know that I'm trying to be less scared

of asking people for help and depending on them.

So could I interview you about your experience here

so I could maybe keep my job?

Done.

You can keep your job if I can keep your Adidas Originals.

- OK. - Yeah?

Yeah.

What size are you?

- 13. - 13?

Yeah, I am. You wouldn't know.

I'm telling negativity and strict skin-care regimes

to fuck off.

Oh, hi, lady of the manor.

How'd it go?

It was actually very interesting.

- Oh, this is Jimmy, by the way. - Hiya.

Oh, he's not... We didn't...

Basically, we've been friends since, like, forever

and we've been having baths together since we were, what?

Like three. I'm gay, just in case you thought it got weird

after the age of 12 or whatever.

- Oh, no. It's never been weird. - Yeah. No.

Nothing's gonna happen if I don't cleanse,

tone, exfoliate serum-ize, moisturise, is it?

I mean, the world's not stop gonna turning.

No, mate.

Where's Canine Aidan? BARKING

He was feeling a bit lonely.

- Nice to meet you, Jimmy. - See you.

Bye.

HE BLOWS, SHE LAUGHS

KEYBOARD CLACKING

PHONE CHIMES

HE BARKS

'Hey, there's still a bit of a pong here.

'Put them through another cycle.' HE SNIFFS

- Come here. - 'Oh, lick. OK.'

- Oh! Oh! - 'Mm-mm! Good lick.'

Oh.

That is so gross.

I know you've just licked your bum before licking my face.

'Snared.'

Well, I am trying to let go and be less judgmental.

And you've just had a bath so...

'Clean as a whistle.'

...I appreciate the thought.

'Thanks for coming home, Joy.

'Despite all my flaws and shitting the bed and all that,

'thanks for coming back to me.'

Joy! - 'She's gas.'

Do you want tea? We're making a pot.

- Tea? - 'Uh-oh.

'She's thinking, "Tea after 9:30?"

'There's 26.4 mgs of caffeine in every bag.

'Are these people insane?'

- Sure. - 'Attagirl!'

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com