Original subtitles

'Oh, it looks like a nice day.

'A nice start.

'It looks like everything is going to be OK.

'All her shoes are in the exact right order there, as per ushe.

'Those little things over there

'look like they're in the right place.

'Oh, wait a sec. Stop here.

'Oh, for the love of St Francis!

'The marker lines on the glass of water again.

'I really hate it when she does that.

'It's just so creepy.'

SNORING

'Uh-huh. There she is, the old tosser.

'Uh, I don't mean that she's a... What I mean is that...

'What I'm trying to say is,

'she's been tossing in the bed a lot lately.

'Look, we've all been going through quite a lot.

'It's been a tricky time for everyone.

'It's just that I love her. OK? I'm not afraid to say that.

'I have to know, I need to know she's going to be OK.'

♪ Get up... ♪ ALARM BLARES

♪ Get dressed and get happy. ♪

Fuck off! I am happy, you fuckers!

'Oh, Jesus, that's a relief.'

- Sorry. - 'That's OK, Joy.

'We're learning to deal with this in our own way.'

CHUCKLING The 28th of May.

'Why is she laughing?

'Oh, my God. He's not back, is he? I can't smell his stuff anywhere.

'I can smell him from three miles away.

'I'm a dog, for God's sake!'

SIGHS

'Yes? What? What now?'

Shit.

' "Shit" shit or shit shit?'

Aidan!

'Oh, Jesus. It's a shit on the bed.

'Oh, God why do I keep doing that?

'Oh, no.'

- Aidan! - 'OK, look,

'if I can't see you, you can't see me.'

- Aidan! - 'No! Put that down!

'What are you doing? Argh!

'Bad dog ownership!'

Oh, Aidan! You should stop shitting, Aidan!

Aidan!

SHE SCREAMS

THUMPING, CLATTER

Oh!

DOORBELL RINGS Oh!

GROANS

GAGS Oh!

RINGING CONTINUES Ugh!

Aidan, you shat all over me!

You have to stop doing this!

GRUNTING, CANINE AIDAN BARKING

GROWLS Give me that.

Is Aidan there?

- No, he's gone. - Were you not just calling him?

No, this was canine Aidan, not human Aidan.

Human Aidan's never actually taken a shit on me.

Like, neither way. Like, not in a gross way

or, like, in a sexy way.

Can it ever be sexy? I just feel like, no, never.

Although it does sort of feel like he shat all over me.

Why?

I just feel it was our differences, you know?

But, like, why should we change who we are?

I guess we just stopped making each other happy,

but it's really hard - this modern way in which we live,

this constant, "Are we happy?"

No, the "Y".

Yeah, it's just my giant Y.

DOG BARKING

SIGHS

Moisturiser, serum-iser, SPF-iser, vitamins, multis,

all the Bs, the C, D.

Sunshine-happiness vitamin. DOORBELL RINGS

Piss off! CANINE AIDAN BARKING

Aidan. Aidan! Aidan!

Aidan!

Aidan!

Aidan?!

- Like, what? What? - Sorry?

- Like, what do you want? - Excuse me?

Been after me for ten minutes. What?

I-I don't know what you're talking about.

OK, look, I had this huge night last night.

I'm incredibly edgy right now, but...

Did we... Did we?

- Sorry? - Swipe right?

Huh? PHONE CHIMES

Oh, my God. You just did the thing, didn't you?

You texted me to see if it's me.

So, my hands have literally not moved, and there's my phone.

- What...? Hang on. - Excuse me! Excuse me!

Hey.

Oh, right. That's a reminder for your pelvic-floor exercises.

HE CLEARS THROAT, CANINE AIDAN BARKING

Aidan! SQUEALS

SHE LAUGHS

Is your dog called Aidan?

- Yeah. - Ah.

- Aidan. - Hello, Aidan.

My name is also Aidan.

Ha-ha-ha. - When I was...

- Yeah. - So, you're human Aidan.

Thanks. I can be human Aidan.

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, Aidan and Aidan.

KNOCKING ON DOOR I know you're in there, Joy.

CANINE AIDAN BARKING

Answer the door. KNOCKING

Get off. Get back.

I can't talk. I have to go to work.

JOY SCOFFS Seriously, I'm fine.

You're not. You're not fine. You haven't been answering my calls.

So I've had to get up off my hole, come over here and check on you.

It's inconvenient. I'm busy. - Oh, really?

How is Space Rocket Invaders 7 going?

I'm up to level 4.

That's actually not bad.

I just want to see you cry. Once.

Just have a cry...

or a bit of a cry out of one eye.

I don't have any tears.

I don't need tears because I'm fine,

and you're kind of bullying me now, to be honest.

It's just... I know that today is...

It's... It's...

That works.

I know it's May 28th.

BOTH MOANING

HE LAUGHS Whoo!

- Those pelvic-floor exercises, huh? - Yeah.

Amazing.

I mean, I may not be so toned...

like, here or, like, here, or... here.

- Uh-huh. - But my vagina's very toned.

Yes, it is.

Just a pity I can't show it off more in cute outfits, you know?

BOTH LAUGH

I have to go.

TRAM BELL RINGING

Oh, my God, I've got the best idea.

Trish, you should move in with me.

You could play Death Star 9 while I watch Gilmore Girls.

Eating blocks of cheese in dens on the couch.

"Why not?" is the actual question.

Because I'm about to have a baby,

and I live with Tom, who's my husband.

Yeah, well, I mean, there is that.

I could move in with you, help out a bit.

So you could, like, wash your hair and do a poo in peace.

Go in, take your time in there.

You can get haemorrhoids if you try and rush it.

I just don't want that happening to my best friend's bum.

Joy, are you lonely?

No.

I know you don't handle change well.

And this is you coping with it by pretending it isn't happening

and cutting yourself off from the rest of the world.

You could advertise your place for a flatmate.

- With a stranger? - Yeah.

Strangers are the best.

Hello.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Oh, God! All your fingers!

Sorry. Are you OK?

Oh, absolutely fine. Yeah. THEY CHUCKLE

Charlene's looking for you. There's been some Flora emergency.

They need you up there right now.

I think they've got some big changes in mind for you.

What?

FARTING Ooh.

LIFT BELL DINGS

Oh, my God, you're here.

I was just waiting for you, and now you're here.

Charlene, I work here.

You do work here, but now you're gonna work here

- even more. - What?

Everyone is literally losing their shit.

Everyone's favourite vlogger/ reporter/hyphenated person Flora

is gone, and they are freaking out.

She basically cashed in a Group It voucher

for some skin resurfacing, but it turns out,

the plastic surgeon is actually a dental hygienist who lied.

I mean, the details are sketchy as fuck,

but she's basically hiding out down in a cottage in Offaly

while we wait for the swelling to die down

so we can recognise some, if any, of her face again.

Oh, my God. Are you her?

Am I her? Who?

- Her. - You, here. The temp, to fill in.

I already work here.

HE CHUCKLES You see? That's the spirit.

Oh. No.

I mean, I actually do work here in a small little office

- down in... - Her name is Joy.

She's a copy editor.

She is our saviour. It is so good to meet you, Joy.

JOY LAUGHS

We... We have met a few times.

We have big things planned for you.

Well, not really planned, because we are in the middle

of an unexpected crisis. - Flora is gone. Her face is...

She basically can't find her nostrils right now.

No nostrils, and her pieces

have been one of our biggest success stories to date,

and our subscribers are gonna drop

unless we can fix this and find a solution.

And, Joy, we... One minute.

INTERCOM BUZZES

Can somebody get me coleslaw in my roll today, please?

Thank you. And, Joy, four of my children

are undergoing orthodontic treatment at the moment,

and I really need to get this sorted, yeah?

And we think that you are the woman for the job.

Hm?

Me?

Oh, God, no. Sorry. I can't... I can't fill in for her.

I-I don't have any experience.

- Er, Charlene? - You know,

I conjugate verbs, and that...

Yes. Charlene, you should... She could fill in.

Charlene can't do it. She basically runs the office here.

She's our right-hand woman. - She also has little charisma

and a compromised past. - But you, Joy,

you have something, and it's an opportunity

to get away from the... whatever it is that you...

What exactly is it that you used to, er...?

Verbs, grammar, prepositions.

Well, I have a "preposition" for you.

It's a "proposition".

This.

Erm, it's this week's piece. It's a doozy.

The piece? Yes, the piece.

As our new happiness hunter hunting for happiness.

Oh, you know the drill - hunting out answers

to our quest for happiness, remedies to modern life's weariness.

Balm for the existential panic that life is meaningless

and empty and short. - Whoa.

Mostly through sponsored treatments and events.

That sounds...

overwhelming. JOY LAUGHS

I really don't think I'm the right person for this.

I mean, I do appreciate that you think that I could.

Well, we never actually said that.

But I... Yes, Joy, yes!

You don't have to hide in the shadows any more,

scared to come out because Flora's light shone so brightly.

You were the wind beneath her wings.

Now, Joy, you're the wind beneath our wings.

FARTING Oh. Ooh.

MIMICS TRUMPET

Come on, Joy. We're under time pressure.

We've sponsors to keep happy.

PHONE CHIMES Like, actually, literally.

Sorry. Give me a moment. I'll just turn this...

EXHALES SHARPLY Fuck.

I'll do it. CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Well, no, you are doing it.

And the TV Awards are coming up soon,

and this segment is our best shot at an award.

We'll be there this time to talk you through...

...watching you.

Come on. Come on. With me.

Oh, dear. - Oh, balls.

Holy shit, Charlene. What was that?

I can't do this! - You did it at university.

- Did... Did what? - Journalism.

No, I studied English.

Oh, well, that's perfect, cos it'll be in English.

And you like facts and things. - Er, yeah.

- And writing. - Erm...

Well, I mean, I did do a few classes,

but I only really signed up because all my friends were having kids,

and I couldn't join their baby groups

cos apparently, it's weird to join a baby group

if you're not pregnant or you don't have a baby.

I did write a piece once about dogs.

What are they thinking? You know, like, what are they...?

Really, what are they actually thinking?

JOY CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

- OK, interesting. - Yeah.

So, while you're covering Flora, you need to copy her format.

Today's event is at the Aviva Stadium.

Oh, they're gonna be abseiling off it or something.

Yadda-yadda. And Stan is gonna be there to help you film it.

Oh, just follow Flora's lead, OK?

She's already established the brand, and everyone loves her.

She's our biggest feature.

Flora is, or was, our golden ticket.

So no pressure.

Actually, there is pressure.

- Yeah. - So you need to do this.

Otherwise, we're gonna lose our sponsors and our jobs.

Oh, and Jeffrey's kids will have snaggle teeth

for the rest of their lives.

CHARLENE CHUCKLES Ha.

Oh, dear. Oh, balls.

Let's get you in the chair immediately.

I told them about your rosacea. - Rosacea?

Thank actual God you could do this.

These guys have been waiting for five months

for a slot on The Happy Hunter.

It's big sponsorship. Big.

It's a "biggie", as they say in the biz.

So, today, it's like a psychological exercise.

These are real people with real fears,

and they are trying to face them, Joy.

And it's your job to explore why.

Why, Joy? Why?

Brows are big right now.

Come on, Joy. Come on. Time to go.

Whoa. New look, Joy?

Brows are big right now.

That's where you're going, Joy. You're abseiling down.

Pardon?!

Oh, no, I'm not gonna be doing it.

Oh, yes, you are, Joy. That's part of the piece,

your "experience".

- I can't. - You have to.

Buckle her in.

Ooh! Guys, it feels quite bunched.

You would let me know if you could see my knickers, guys?

JOY LAUGHS Guys?

Stan. Stan, get in there. Get this. Get this.

- Really? - Yes, yes.

Hang on. I can't hear you from up here.

Hang on, now.

They do give you quite the wedgie.

Don't they?

It's really up there. - Oh.

- Take this. Take this. - Oh. OK.

Oh, gosh. I'll do that. - Yeah.

It's just pretend. - OK, yeah, yeah.

Take this. Take this. OK.

Just see them as real people, OK,

who are here to take the plunge into a whole new world...

Mm. - ...off the roof of the Aviva.

It's a metaphor.

Metaphors, real people. Just go in there, Joy.

It's very, very high.

Yes.

JOY BREATHES DEEPLY Whoo!

Whoo. JOY CLEARS THROAT

Hey, people. Hey, peoples.

Be cooler.

Cool. Cool.

Hey, ya fuckers! - Too much.

Be like Flora. Be like Flora.

Oh, OK.

Hello, there.

Thank you so much for coming here today.

We're really excited that you're here.

She's not American. JOY CLEARS THROAT

Thank you so much for coming.

So, this is all about facing your fears.

Why are you here?

Oh, it's just an experience-type thing.

Like, loads of people are doing it, and it's getting really popular.

My mum said when I came out of her,

I just came out so fast, I bounced right off the floor,

and it was pretty traumatic. - That's lovely.

- Aw. - So I'm personally rebirthing.

See if it sorts out some "stuff".

Aw, that's so nice.

- The old woman. - Absolutely.

Excuse me, old lady.

Why are you here?

My counsellor says I need to find a new "high"

to replace the porn addiction.

Aw.

She's been watching a lot of porn. That's good.

They say that's good.

Mm. Cool.

Get him. Get him, Stan. Get him!

Excuse me, sir,

has anything so scary happened in your life

that it changed you forever?

That was good. - Yeah, it was.

Joy.

Aidan.

SHE EXHALES How are you?

Er, I'm... I'm OK.

Yeah. Stan, will you give us a second?

Er, yeah.

I, er...

I have this cool new job now.

Which is really cool. - Yeah.

I mean, you know you always said,

"You should mix things up, Joy," so I'm, like...

I'm, like, mixing things up, motherfuckers!

Ooh!

SHE LAUGHS

What the fuck, Joy?

It's just the guys.

JOY EXHALES DEEPLY

Hey, this parcel came for you today. It's at our home.

At the... the house that we're... that I stay in.

In that place. Yeah. Erm...

It's not really important any more. You can just throw it in the bin.

Throw it in the bin.

God, Aidan, this is so weird. What are you doing here?

Someone I met told me about it.

OK.

Today's the 28th of May.

It would have been the second-year anniversary of us.

So... I know that you like to do things a certain way.

And because it's a special occasion...

...I thought that maybe...

that we could do something that we haven't done before.

Would you consider and do me the honour...

Oh, my God, Aidan.

Is this, like, a formal request? - ...and allow me...

to take you up the...

- What, take me up the...? - ...up the Eiffel Tower?

Oh!

For our anniversary.

SHE LAUGHS

Hey, it's like a fresh start and all that, you know?

Jumping into my new life.

OK, time to go over now, Joy. Stan, get in there.

Joy, you're going over.

Who's that? Yeah, move away.

Move away. I don't know who you are. Move away.

Actually, on that, is there time for a wee?

- Oh, my... Later. - Later. Later.

Just go over. Stan, get in behind her.

- You're doing this? - Yeah.

Hurry up now. - Beautiful.

OK. Yes. Yay!

Whoo!

That's it. Ah!

OK. Yeah. All right? Head next.

JOY GROANS

GROANING CONTINUES

And we'll even lock it. - Perfect.

OK, so, lean out with straight arms for me.

And this black rope is yours.

This is mine. Keep the dominant hand low.

- OK. - Yeah.

Yeah. OK.

WHIMPERS, GASPS

You got it. - OK.

Hands down away from the steel. Jesus.

When you're ready, lift your feet.

There you go. You're abseiling.

JOY EXCLAIMS

Oh, to answer your first question...

Yes? - ...did anything so scary

ever happen me that it changed me forever?

Huh? - Yes.

WHIMPERS

Ah! JOY SHRIEKS

Ohhh! Ah!

'Ah!'

Tough day?

Tough day.

I draw these lines on my glass

because I know if I drink down below it,

I'll need to get up in the night for a wee.

Then I just remember everything all over again.

It's just better to try and stay asleep.

8.5 hours of not thinking.

Joy.

CANINE AIDAN PANTING

LIQUID TRICKLING

He just peed on me.

Oh.

So sorry.

See, now, him...

...he's the one who's not dealing with all of this well.

Apologise.

"Sorry."

Will I put on a sad song and see if we can squeeze out one tear?

- Yeah. - Yeah? OK.

OK.

Here we go.

DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

♪ That flame

♪ Those sparks

♪ This day

♪ These marks... ♪

No?

♪ Little lies that I sold you

♪ Little nothings That I never told you. ♪

PHONE CHIMES

SIGHS

KEYBOARD CLACKING

MOUSE CLICKS

'Ah, lovely clean sheets.

'Will I tell her about the couch now?

'No.'

DOG BARKING

DOG BARKING

DOGS HOWLING

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