Original subtitles

Well, it's been quite a day, hasn't it?

My getting that ten trillion dollar loan from kumranistan in sterling

changes everything, doesn't it?

- Yes, prime minister. - Saves the Lancaster house conference.

"Jim hacker saves Europe."

Yes, prime minister.

Nothing else can go wrong tonight, can it?

- Well, I can't see how. - Good.

Let's have a drink.

- Prime minister. - Oh, cheer up,

Bernard, have a drinkie.

Oh, don't look so worried.

It looks as though we've reached a deal on that civil service reform bill,

and your index-linked pension may be safe after all.

But, prime minister, we have a situation

with the kumranistan foreign secretary.

- Mr Aitikeev? - Nice chap.

Well, yes.

Well...

He just button-holed me in the hall.

It seems that mr Aitikeev wants us to provide

some sexual entertainment for him.

What a prat.

That's really not our problem, Bernard, or yours.

Boundaries do have to be drawn, Bernard.

I know, sir Humphrey.

But with respect, prime minister, it is our problem.

I confess I didn't handle it as diplomatically as I should have.

I'm afraid he felt slighted.

He indicated that unless we find him what he wants he won't sign the contract

tomorrow for the ten trillion dollar loan to Europe.

- What? - My God!

How did this happen?

Why didn't you say you'd try to find him someone?

Well, I should have, but frankly, I was a little shocked.

You always were a prig, Bernard.

If you say so, sir Humphrey.

So go back to mr Aitikeev and tell him you are working on it.

Well, how exactly?

Yes, how exactly, dear lady, this is chequers, not soho.

Surely, Bernard can get a girl up from London.

- Me? - Are you serious?

What about all the security at the gate?

Don't use the gate.

It's only 20 minutes from the west end to chequers by helicopter.

They check it before departure, but nobody checks it on arrival.

And where do you suggest we get a chopper?

At this time of night?

We do actually have an raf helicopter standing by this weekend,

the one the queen uses.

Do I understand this correctly?

You want us to bring a call girl here

in the royal helicopter?

Would you say that is an appropriate use of taxpayer's money?

Well, we do want the deal signed tomorrow, don't we?

Got any better ideas?

I think we should talk to mr Aitikeev about this.

- Who should? - You should.

I'm not doing it.

Well, the foreign secretary is his opposite number,

but we didn't invite him this weekend. Claire can't, she's a woman.

You outrank him. It has to be you.

I can't possibly do it, this conversation is for an underling.

Like you, Humphrey.

An important underling.

I have to be able to deny any knowledge of this.

Well, I suggest that as mr Aitikeev spoke to Bernard,

Bernard is your principal private secretary,

yes, Bernard should talk to him. That is the diplomatic protocol.

I can't seem to recall any diplomatic protocol

that specifies the principal private secretary does the pimping.

Well, no, not you yourself, maybe, but one of your people.

I haven't got any people here.

And, prime minister, we absolutely can't let anyone else in on this.

- Why not? - I am afraid there's more.

More? ...Well, he has specific tastes.

- You mean blonde or brunette? - Not exactly.

What, do you mean a ginger?

No, sir.

Well, what? Big boobs?

Small boobs.

Big burn? What?

Is he gay?

If only it were that simple.

Bernard, what sort of woman does he want?

Not a woman.

- Three women. - Three women?

More if possible.

An orgy.

I can't believe my ears.

Preferably one European, one Asian and one black.

At least it's equal opportunities fornication.

- Claire, this isn't funny. - Sorry, prime minister.

He said that's what they provided at those international monetary fund

conferences with Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

Britain is not the imf, we don't have a budget for that sort of thing.

No.

And we're accountable to the taxpayer,

we can't possibly have anything to do with this.

So, what do you suggest I do?

He said if we don't do this for him the whole deal's off.

Well, how did he mention it? Was he embarrassed?

He told me to see to it or else.

You should have said it just wasn't possible.

I did.

He said they got a man on the moon,

we can get three girls from king's cross.

That's technically true.

But hardly the point, Claire.

Well, apparently, he's also friends with mr Berlusconi.

He's been to several of his bunga bunga parties.

I wonder if mr Aitikeev really can wipe out months of diplomacy.

It wouldn't take much. A word here, a word there, a hint of lost confidence,

this whole thing's very finely balanced.

But Aitikeev wants the deal, right?

Yes, but he doesn't need it.

They can still take the pipeline through Russia instead of Southern Europe.

Well, he's certainly not getting any more weapons if he screws us over.

Or, maybe Aitikeev doesn't care about the weapons,

maybe it's just his president who wants them.

Internal repression, that's a possibility.

But doesn't Aitikeev have to account to his president if this all goes South?

Well, theoretically, but Aitikeev is here and the president's over there.

All I know is we have to make this deal stick.

What happens if it all falls apart,

and kumranistan gets offended?

That wouldn't be good.

It would not! It is a very unstable region.

Nuclear proliferation is spreading.

Yes, proliferating, in fact.

Urn, Bernard, did the kumranistan ambassador

return to London after dinner?

- No, he's staying overnight, too. - The ambassador? Good idea.

- Bring him here, right away. - Yes, prime minister.

Who is it?

I'm the prime minister's principal private secretary.

Who?

I'm from the prime minister.

- Can I come in? - I suppose so.

Yes?

I'm very, very sorry to intrude, your excellency.

What do you want?

We have a problem with mr Aitikeev,

- your foreign secretary. - A problem?

I don't quite know how to put this but, urn...

He... he...

Doesn't want to spend the night alone.

Ah, that.

Again.

- I'm afraid so. - Everywhere he goes.

- How interesting. - But we don't have a problem, young man.

It's your problem. ...Well, yes, I suppose it is...

So why don't you talk to him?

I really don't see what I can possibly say.

What do you propose to do? Find him a woman?

Me? Not me. Definitely, not me.

I'm a civil servant.

No sex, please, we are the government.

Your excellency, the prime minister hoped you might be able to help.

I'm an ambassador, not a procurer.

Of course not, I wasn't suggesting that.

I just think he wants your advice

as to how to dissuade mr Aitikeev from pursuing this, uh...

- This... - Ambition?

Yes.

You mean now?

All right.

Do I have to put on some clothes?

Well, I've never been asked, "do I have to put on some clothes?"

By someone who's about to have a meeting with the prime minister.

Look, I have got to get this all straight in my mind

before we start this meeting.

Always a good idea, prime minister.

- Would you like a recap? - I'd prefer a night cap.

Claire, get me another scotch.

Let's go through it all, right now.

The whole bottle?

The whole problem.

What's that? A dirty glass.

Get me a proper drink, woman.

So just as we are on the brink

of getting a ten trillion dollar loan,

this lecherous Kumranistani foreign secretary

makes a new demand, three assorted hookers for him

to have sex with tonight at chequers

- under my roof! - Yes, prime minister.

Why does he think he can get away with this outrageous demand?

Because he has oil.

Well, here's my question,

why didn't MI6 warn us that Aitikeev was a sex addict?

Well, perhaps they don't know.

But that's their job, isn't it?

We could have been blackmailing kumranistan for donkey's years.

Prime minister, please don't say it that way, we do not approve of blackmail

as an instrument of government policy.

Since when?

Prime minister, blackmail is criminal. We use leverage.

Tell me about this ambassador. What's he like?

Oh, he's a jolly good chap, we were undergraduates together at Oxford.

Ah, he's a friend.

We are friendly.

The ambassador of kumranistan, prime minister.

I am not ready for him yet, oh, God!

Oh, good.

Ah, your excellency.

Uh, prime minister, please excuse my d�shabill�.

I had just retired for the night when I received your summons.

No problem. No, no.

We're... we're awfully casual at chequers.

Aren't we, Bernard?

Humphrey?

Ah, bubbles, my dear chap.

Bubbles?

It's like the old days, isn't it? Late-night drinks and all that?

Bubbles?

- They don't know your old nickname? - They didn't.

It's nothing, prime minister, it's the silliest little thing.

I used to be partial to champagne, that's all.

And you know Claire Sutton, head of the policy unit at number 10.

- Yes, indeed. We met at dinner. - Good!

Do sit down.

Well...

I am glad that you and bubbles

- are old friends. - Yes, indeed.

So, Bernard's briefed you.

I am not sure that I know precisely what you are asking me.

Does mr Aitikeev mean what he says?

The foreign minister consults me on matters of kumranistan's policy

pertaining to the United Kingdom.

Mr Aitikeev's sexual proclivities are not a matter of public policy.

- You knew about his perverted tastes? - I don't consider it my business.

Well, unfortunately, he has rather made it your business, wouldn't you say?

Your excellency, do you think mr Aitikeev will renege

on his commitment to the pipeline contract if we cannot, um,

- well, oblige him tonight. - He can be stubborn.

Look, I suspect that my personal opinion is the same as yours.

In my country, prostitution is not approved of, of course,

but sex with multiple partners is fine.

We allow polygamy.

But this is prostitution.

Yes, but I am here not as a moralist, but as a servant of my government.

But there are moral considerations here.

Indeed, there are.

And in all fairness to mr Aitikeev,

I am quite sure he didn't ask you to obtain virgins for him.

- Am I right? - No.

He didn't.

As I thought. He would never do that.

- Because? - Moral considerations.

Also, wouldn't it be a rather impractical request?

Three virgin call girls?

The reason is that he would not want to defile them.

He would want women who have already been defiled.

That's more moral?

In our culture, once a female has been defiled, she is worthless, dishonoured.

Her family will not take her back. If they do, they will probably kill her.

Few men would marry her. Her only real future is in a brothel.

As a moral society, we have no tolerance for that sort of thing.

Not among women, anyway.

Are you suggesting, your excellency,

that we are a less moral society than kumranistan?

I would say, yes.

We are even more rigorous about purity than Great Britain.

We would certainly not allow page 5,

or some of the publications I saw at a newsagents like,

lusty British babes, or big ones.

But in this instance, mr Aitikeev is offering

an excellent opportunity to these girls.

He is not ungenerous, I am sure he would give them hundreds of pounds,

if not thousands. That's better than death, wouldn't you say?

Yes, but that's not the choice here.

In our culture, it isn't a question...

Forgive me, but I'm describing our culture,

mr Aitikeev's culture.

It's unthinkable. There'd be national outrage if this got out.

The British public would think it was just wrong.

Maybe they would just be envious.

That's even worse, politically.

- British women would think it wrong. - And some men.

You say to-may-to, and I say to-ma-to.

What?

You believe your values are right, so do we.

You believe you should impose your values on us,

many of my people would like to impose their values on you.

I say, live and let live.

- Are you a Muslim? - I'm a diplomat.

Yes.

Yes, I know, but apart from that, what are you?

I am a libra.

- And a member of the mcc, of course. - Oh, well, that's good.

Yes, yes, that's good.

- You don't want to discuss religion. - Dear me, no.

I was brought up to believe it was bad manners to discuss religion

in polite company, weren't you?

Well, I think the prime minister was asking

because you seem rather English.

Harrow and Oxford, miss Sutton.

I know how to play a straight bat.

Opening bat for Oxford, actually. Got a blue.

The point is, prime minister,

my government has expressed a willingness to help you

obtain a loan that you need.

It's to your advantage, too.

I'm sure your government would prefer not to have Russia's fist

on the pipeline's jugular.

I shouldn't really be saying this,

but it is mr Aitikeev who wants this treaty.

Quite frankly, our president is not as pro-Western as mr Aitikeev.

And he responds to pressure from our extremists.

We have thousands of them in kumranistan.

How do you define an extremist?

Anyone who opposes the government, really.

Well, we've got millions of extremists here.

Yes, a majority, actually.

The president of kumranistan, I must warn you,

is not convinced by your desire to force what you call democracy

down the throats of the peoples of our region

when he can see the dismal results of it here.

You have the nerve

to suggest to me the British democracy produces dismal results!

Oh, no, no, no, prime minister, he did not mean that.

You did not mean that, did you? Freddie?

No. No, prime minister.

I was not referring to you, perish the thought.

I mean all those who oppose you,

who try to intervene in your noble,

tireless work for the British people.

He's right, actually.

Yes, indeed. Indeed, he is.

- Shall we? - Yes.

Let me try and explain, your excellency.

Procuring women for sex is against the law in this country.

But governments break laws

whenever they perceive it's in their national interest.

Why do you have the sas and mks?

What are covert operations in reality,

if not lawbreaking operations?

Ah, but we do need them. We live in very dangerous times.

I know.

At your level, breaking the odd law doesn't count.

Well, obviously, as long as the press don't find out.

Unless, my God, one of these girls turned out to be under-aged.

That would be ghastly.

Though many cultures, including ours, allow sex at puberty.

In Sweden, the age of consent is 15.

Well, that's Sweden. Sweden, I mean...

In Italy, it's 14.

- That's different. - Hot-blooded.

It's the mafia.

In Spain, it's 13.

- Really? - And in the Vatican, it's 12.

Twelve?

Until two years ago.

They raised it to 14 to match Italian law.

What kind of law would you call that?

It's the law of supply and demand, I should imagine.

Perhaps the church wanted to bring itself

up to mr Berlusconi's standards.

Not every country is like britain, you know.

No, more's the pity.

Prime minister, I urge you to be practical.

This would be the first step on a very slippery slope.

Down which you have been sliding ever since you took the job.

It's the price of power.

These girls are doing a job. They will be well paid.

And, as a result, unemployment will drop,

oil prices will drop, repossessions will stop.

Greece, Italy and Spain will be bailed out.

And Europe will be saved from disaster.

I bid you good night.

Well!

He's trying to claim some sort of moral equivalence

between his culture and ours.

- There isn't any. - No.

Is there, Humphrey?

I can't possibly agree to this.

- Can I? - Of course not.

Can't possibly.

Can I, Humphrey?

But we have to get this deal,

or I'm history.

Yes, prime minister.

Sir, how would you want me to handle mr Aitikeev's request?

Look, let's discuss this question for what it actually is.

Is it better for three escorts to get screwed

than the whole European economy?

Well, if you put it like that, there's no choice.

- Quite. - Quite.

But, here's the problem.

If we do get in these girls

and it got out somehow,

the public wouldn't understand.

No shit.

Is there a way to neutralise that?

Well, prime minister,

you've always taken a very high moral tone

against casual sex.

If you are now to endorse prostitution as an instrument of government policy,

there is a chance you could be accused of inconsistency.

But, there are exceptions to every rule,

and, in this case, I would make a special exception

to allow the girls

to have patriotic sex with Aitikeev.

They'd be doing it for their country,

for britain.

It would...

It would... actually, it would be an act of the greatest nobility.

In which position?

Shut up, Claire!

But, prime minister, procuring women for sex is a crime.

- Mr Aitikeev has diplomatic immunity. - But you haven't.

- I could be prosecuted? - Conspiracy, pandering...

Only if I knew about it.

But you do know about it.

Bernard?

Just a moment, please. Would you excuse us, please, prime minister?

May I have a word...

Bernard, I think a period of silence from you would be rather beneficial

for all of us.

I don't see why.

Well, Bernard, you seem to be putting all your cards on the table.

We are poker players, Bernard.

We play our cards close to our chest.

Not when the prime minister's considering a criminal act.

How in the world can we go along with that?

Bernard, there are two worlds.

There is the world of high principles, and noble ideals and eternal verities.

That is the world of philosophers, theologians, academics.

And then there is the world of unsavoury realities

and squalid practicalities,

the world of politics and government.

My world, Bernard, and yours.

The real world.

But, sir Humphrey, this is a matter of black and white.

No, no, there's nothing black and white in our world, Bernard.

Ours is a world of dirty grey.

I appreciate you wish to take the moral course.

Well, sometimes it is unclear which course that is.

Politicians, they can talk about what's right and what's wrong.

We talk about what works and what doesn't.

So we put morality in the pending tray.

But, sir Humphrey, surely...

Bernard, I do understand how you feel.

Don't you think I agree with you?

No.

Actually, I don't.

Well, do you?

We have an obligation to the present government.

We are their servants, Bernard.

We can't possibly allow our personal prejudices to get in the way.

I didn't realise you cared about the present government.

Oh, I do,

and I don't.

Bernard, a narrow majority,

a divided government,

with a cabinet at each other's throats,

and a prime minister who's, to say the least, intellectually challenged.

It's the perfect situation for us.

We can run the country simply, efficiently,

with virtually no political interference at all.

If this government falls, then the opposition might get back in,

possibly with a big majority.

And they may try to run things their way, Bernard,

instead of ours.

It would be like the Thatcher years all over again.

We'd be facing that real horror,

the early retirement of senior civil servants.

One of those being dismissed might be you.

- Oh, I see. - Yes.

But I must hold on to my principles.

Oh, hold on to them. Just don't brandish them.

Just put them in your pocket,

and don't take them out again if anybody's looking.

Ah, Humphrey.

We've been talking.

This absolutely mustn't leak,

and, if it does, the prime minister knows nothing about it.

- Okay? - Do you think people will believe that?

Well, there are so many things you don't know, what's one more?

We must frame it differently.

Bernard, you called it, "procuring women for sex".

We must avoid that kind of inflammatory language,

even in a classified document.

We can't use the words "prostitute, hooker, call girl or escort," okay?

Remember, Clinton got into trouble just for a blowjob.

Prime minister, you must take no part in this.

Deniability works better if there's a little truth in it.

Yes, but, speaking personally, what is your view?

What about these three women?

Well, in difficult circumstances, sacrifices do have to be made,

especially by ordinary people.

He's right.

But, if you were to go through with this,

how should it be referred to?

We must make it sound positive.

Like the yanks did with torture.

They called it "enhanced interrogation techniques".

How about "enhanced entertainment techniques"?

Well, it would have worked, but it's been done.

Horizontal diplomacy.

Smoking gun.

Anglo-kumranistan liaison project.

It's a bit of a mouthful.

That's it.

It's a euro job.

Brilliant!

A euro job.

We may need some way to refer to the women, too.

What do we call someone who gives a euro job?

A eurologist?

If it does get out, how will we defend it?

We can't! It's impossible. It's...

It's reckless. We're not in London.

Mr Aitikeev is a guest in this house,

not at some hotel.

If such a scandal were to get out,

we couldn't blame the Porter or the concierge

for finding the women for him.

There must be somebody to blame. There always is.

Who?

I don't know. It's your job to find me people to blame.

But who?

Security is intense. The gates are guarded.

Tarts in king's cross can hardly flag down the royal helicopter.

- Someone would have authorised it. - Yes, you.

No, prime minister, not me.

You'd refuse to obey me.

No, sir.

You give me a signed instruction, and I'll execute it.

Humphrey, come back in here, please?

Is there no other way?

We could just say no to him.

I can't risk that!

Collapse of conference.

Collapse of backbench support. Collapse of coalition.

Collapse of cabinet. Collapse of my career.

This is the biggest disaster since dunkirk.

I think not, prime minister.

Name a bigger one.

The freedom of information act.

Humphrey, I'm begging you,

what is your advice?

Prime minister, one hesitates to say this,

but there are times when circumstances conspire

to create an inauspicious concatenation of events

that necessitate a metamorphosis, as it were, of the situation.

Such that what happened in the first instance

to be of primary import, fraught with hazard and menace,

can be relegated to a secondary, or indeed a tertiary, position,

while a new and hitherto unforeseen or unappreciated element

can, and indeed should, be introduced

to support and supercede those prior concerns,

not by confronting them,

but by subordinating them to the overarching imperatives

and increased urgency of the previously unrealised predicament,

which may now only be susceptible, refers par/bus,

to radical and remedial action,

such that you might feel

you wish to strategically reallocate the current burdens of your office

so that you can resolve the intractable position in which you find yourself.

What does he mean, Bernard?

I think that he is perhaps suggesting the possibility that you, urn,

consider your position.

Resign, in fact, prime minister.

Make way for a cabinet colleague.

I am not resigning, Humphrey!

You have got to think of a way to work this out.

That's what you're here for!

Yes, prime minister.