Original subtitles

Man, nice of Steve to invite us over for the fight.

That pay-per-view ain't cheap.

Come on, Hank. You know the guy.

Nothing he does is "nice", okay.

He's gotta be working some kind of angle.

Yooo, Hoagies!

Welcome to the new and improved Chateau DelVecchio.

- Hey, Steve! - What's up, man.

[clears throat] Shoes off...

- Yes! - Ohh...Ho ho!

Woah. You got a foosball table?

Cedars from the same forest that supplies of Vatican.

It's pretty dope, huh?

Ah, you know, I'm more of a shuffleboard guy myself,

but it's alright.

That's a lateral move at best, Hoagies.

Oh! Excuse me for a second. I have to take the pizza

out of the Crustus Maximus Smart Industrial-Grade pizza oven.

See Hank, what I tell ya, okay?

This whole thing is just a flex.

He's trying to make us jealous of

his new post-divorce bachelor pad.

Yo, the pizza's ready everyone!

- Ow, ooh, ooh! - Careful, Frank.

I set it to Cremation Mode.

So, what do you think of the spot, Hoagies?

It's not bad, eh?

It's alright, dude. It's a nice place, you know,

it's just a little generic, but y'know-- that's all.

Are you being serious? I've seen your house, Hoagies.

Three words: "Live, Laugh, Love."

Ha ha yeah, that's all Tammy, my guy, okay.

Let me tell ya: if I had full creative control,

I would build the most epic house of all time.

Oh, yeah? More epic than this?

Oh! There she is: the Hizaki Goliath--

The biggest TV in Glantontown.

I had it officially verified by a notary, you know.

[TV] Ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all

been waiting for...

Thank frickin' God. Yo, this better be worth it.

[TV] Jones leads with a jab and- Oh! Oh! Slonavich is down!

The ref steps in! This is over, folks! It's over!

Dammit!

♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

What the hell?

Mark! What the hell is this?

Oh, it's a shuffleboard table. It's pretty cool, huh?

Why is it in the foyer?

My original idea was to put it over there in the living room,

but the angle was trickier than I thought and

the thing weighs like 400lbs, so.

I mean honestly, I think it kinda works here.

Like, ties the room together.

Aw, the walls are all scuffed up!

Uh, small price to pay for endless entertainment, Tam.

I mean c'mon, what's better

than walking into the most classic bar game of all time?

An unobstructed path to my bedroom?

Okay, fair... but this is a shared space and we both

have valid preferences, so... I feel like

we should let Darren weigh in here.

No. Get rid of it.

Oh, c'mon, Tam, Steve, frickin' DelVecchio got

to decorate the house of his dreams.

Meanwhile, I can't even put one 14-foot shuffleboard

table in our entranceway?

It's ridiculous, Tam. It's frickin' North Korea.

Well, if you wanna get divorced like Steve and live alone in a

barcade, be my guest.

Until then, get this thing out of our foyer.

Oh, come on. I don't ever get a say in house stuff!

I got all these design ideas and nowhere to express them.

I'm gonna frickin' die without ever having the chance to

build the house of my dreams from scratch.

[explosion!]

Whoa...

Yeah, I dunno. One minute I'm lighting Cubans...

... with $100 bills, next thing I know,

I'm waking up on the lawn.

Shot outta there like a champagne cork.

Apparently it was a gas leak.

Hey, well, thank God for insurance, right?

Yeah, the only thing is, uh... I don't got any.

What do you mean you don't got it? You don't got insurance?

Yeah, try to uh, avoid putting my

name on any uh, official paperwork.

Uh... do you have any savings at least?

Eh every cent I owned was stashed the walls of that place.

Or uh, wait a minute, hand me that shoe.

Alright, let's see here. Got uh, 10K.

That's not gonna be enough to rebuild my house.

Place was fully tricked out.

Porcelain jags. Exotic fish tank.

Custom wet bar with the backlit shelving.

The works.

Why don't you just uh... do one of those things

where you ask people for money on the Internet?

You talking like an OnlyFans?

Ooh no, a GoFundeee! That's a good idea, Hank.

My patients do 'em all the time to pay for medical bills.

You know one lady got so much for her brain surgery

she ended up getting her boobs done too.

I can help you set it up!

Hey Tam... Psst...

Is this gonna be enough?

I mean, he's basically starting from scratch here.

You know... you said you wanted a chance to build

your man-child dream house.

Maybe this is your opportunity to get it out of your system.

Huh.

Uh... can you build a whole house for 10K?

Of course I can, dude. They do like whole remodels

for less on those renovation shows.

Alright, well, why don't you get started

and I'll set up his GoFundeee

and see if I can get you some more money.

Hey Mernft, don't worry, bud.

We are gonna build you the house of my dreams!

Simplest way to do it is to go off the original design.

Rebuild your friend's place just like it was.

Alright c'mon, George.

I need you to be a little more imaginative, okay.

We can do anything, okay. Just imagine what's possible.

Well, with your current budget, not much.

Alright George, okay, It's not about the money, okay.

This is about dreams. I don't wanna just rebuild

the house here okay, I want to build something

frickin' mind-blowing.

Okay. I'll do my best. What are you thinking?

Alright well number one: it's gotta be fun, okay.

But it's also gotta be functional.

Something like y'know, what if every bedroom

opens into the kitchen?

So it's in the center of the house?

Bingo. Flower pedal design.

You walk out your door to fresh eggs every morning,

I mean, that's living, right George?

You can't do that. It'd be impossible to ventilate.

Can't? No-no. I don't wanna hear that word.

Do you want to die of carbon monoxide poisoning?

Alright fine, I'm flexible on the kitchen.

But the clap-on fireplace, that's a must.

Oh also, what do you know about building down?

Down? Like, what, a tunnel or something?

Ehh... I'm thinking more like a Batcave, y'know?

You're gonna have to be more specific.

We talking Affleck? Dark Knight?

Michael Keaton.

Well, in that case, and I'd have to watch

the movie again to get a real sense but...

you're probably looking at this number right here...

Oh.

Alright, Mernft Man. I wrote up the story--

house exploded, third-degree burns,

lost everything. Anything else I should add?

Honestly, Tam, life's not so bad.

I drink scotch, kick back, bet on the ponies.

You allowed to write fiction?

Ah c'mon, Mernft, there's no reason to act all tough.

You gotta make people feel for you.

The sadder it sounds, the more they donate.

Maybe there's something from your past?

Anything from your childhood?

I mean, I guess you could say I was a little neglected,

but I don't know if it's gonna move the needle.

Ooh, tell me about that...

Ah you know. Usual stuff.

Dad wasn't around.

Mom was a basket-case.

Only time she ever said, "I love you" was

to our pet parrot.

Sometimes, you know, I'd just sit there listening to

the bird as it said, "I love you" over and over again.

Just, you know, imagining she was saying it to me.

Oh, my God! Mernft Man. That is heartbreaking!

Yeah, nah it's alright. Builds character, you know.

Yeah well, it might also build you a house.

Keep it coming, Mernft!

Welp. It's over! My dreams have been shattered.

What happened?

Can't rebuild Mernft Man's house-- way too expensive,

just the four-story fire pole alone: 20 grand!

And that's before the candy cane paint job.

Well, maybe this will help.

Holy-- does that-- $25,000?! Are you serious? How?!

I just asked Mernft about his life, and--

turns out-- he's a bottomless pit of sad stories.

People really feel bad for him.

Mernft Man? Y-- Really?

Alright, well, time to turn those tears into chandeliers.

Hey George? We're back on. Get me that Air-Crane.

We got a TV to move.

Alright nice work, fellas. Nice work...

Walk-in toilet's looking great, Paulie, good job.

Um, Mr. Hoagies, there's an issue with the laser room.

Apparently the beams can't cross.

George. It's a room for practicing walking around a

buncha lasers like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment, okay!

The lasers gotta cross, end the story.

I-- I understand. It's just--

George... who told you no?

I think his name was Walt, maybe?

No. I mean. As a child. Who was it that told George that he

couldn't accomplish anything he set his mind to?

I mean, a lot of people.

That's why I gave up and went to

work at my dad's construction company.

Well, I believe in you, George.

And together, we're gonna make the coolest house

that anyone in Glantontown has ever seen.

Are you with me?

As long as you got the budget, I'm with you.

Yo, that's the spirit.

So how about you give your boy Walt a call

and tell him yo, those lasers are gonna cross.

Yes, sir.

Hank, how are we looking on the foundation?

Uh... I think something's wrong with the cement,

It's like... too wet or something.

Okay yeah-- you're gonna have to figure that one out, Hank.

I gotta-- a TV's here-- I gotta deal with this real quick.

Uh... okay.

Alright, keep going, keep going, you're good...

You're good...

- Huh. - What's the matter?

Did we measure this thing? Cuz... yeah,

just, uh eyeballing it, doesn't look

bigger than the Goliath, so... nah. Not gonna cut it.

Sounds like he won a full-on custom job.

It'll run you another 50K, but I can make it happen.

50K, huh?

It seems like this TV is pretty important to you.

Are you really gonna let $50,000

stand in the way of your dream house?

Well said, George. Well said.

- Get it done. - You got it.

Hey, babe, you know that boob job you've been talking about?

Booook it!

The nuns used to call me "Jelly Boy..." and make

me run laps while the other kids ate dessert.

At night, I'd have to sneak into the sacristy

to binge eat the unblessed communion wafers.

One night, they caught me and took turns beating me

over the head with a frozen cookie dough chub.

Wow Mernft. That is awful.

The GoFundeee's gonna eat this up.

Gotta say, Tam. I was skeptical about digging this stuff up...

but uh... y'know, it's giving me some clarity.

Hey, I'm glad to hear it.

I guess I just never had anyone I could open up to, you know?

Someone who could listen without judging me.

Well, I'm happy to help.

Anyway, I think that's enough sad stuff for today.

Alright, yeah.

Though there is one more thing I'd like

to get off my chest, you know.

Oh... uh... what's that?

I gotta come clean about something.

The day my house exploded was also my birthday,

so I got myself a cake...

Started blowing out the candles.

And halfway through, I realized... y'know,

I'm getting a little winded.

I don't know my exact age y'know-- my parents,

they skipped a few birthdays...

but I put around fifty candles in that thing,

And suddenly, it hits me...

Y'know, maybe if I'd made

some different choices, I'd have someone here

to help me blow out all these damn candles.

I passed out mid-blow.

Woke up and uh, the place looked like something outta Backdraft.

Wasn't no gas leak that blew up the house. It was loneliness.

So thick you could cut it with a knife.

Pathetic.

it's never pathetic to tell your truth.

I'm proud of you Mernft.

Thanks, Tam. 'Preciate you.

Ah I don't mention it. Alright, I'm gonna flip ya now.

Time to clean your bed sores.

Now that's a TV!

Hey uh Mark, there's an issue.

The guy from the Jumbotron company says the roof

won't support the weight of the 'tron's subwoofers.

Alright well we're gonna have to figure this out because

there's no point in having a Jumbotron

if y'can't feel the bass in your chest.

I had a feeling you'd say that,

so I went ahead and revised the plans.

If we take out that wall and add a load-bearing annex,

we're gravy, baby.

Ahh, there we go, George!

Creative solutions! I love it.

So how much we're talking?

70 grand, Mark?!

Listen I hear you but you know, this is a structural issue.

This is getting out of control.

Tam, the guy's house just exploded, okay

The last thing he needs is to return home and

have to roof cave in on his head.

I just need you to squeeze out a few

more sob stories to keep the GoFundeee rolling.

I don't know, Mark. I worry about what

it's doing to him.

I feel like I'm peeling him away like an onion.

What are you talking about? He's fine.

Alright well it's nothing that a dream house can't cure.

♪ [upbeat]

Yeah, that's why I had to wear a diaper until I was 14.

That dog was my only friend.

I still remember watching him chase that

plane down and then boom, sucked right into the jet engine.

I had lice for about eight months.

Apparently they built a pretty complex society in my head.

There we go, dude. We got the crossing lasers!

Yo, this is way cooler than anything Steve DelVecchio's got.

Yo, should we take her for a spin?

Woah check me out, dude.

I'm walkin' through lasers, I'm goin' to steal a paintin'.

Ow! Ow, oh. Ah! Damn dude, ow!

Yo George, what the hell?

These aren't supposed to burn you.

They're supposed to trigger the alarm.

Oh, my bad.

I figured you wanted to go full of Resident Evil.

[voice echo] Hello? Is somebody up there.

Is that Hank? Ay yo, Hank!

You get that, uh, cement situation sorted out?

Yeah. It's workin' now.

Awesome, dude.

Okay, I gotta go test out the, uh, skee-ball machines.

Uh... okay. Uh... If you get a chance,

I might need a hand with something.

Oh uh, hey there little guys, uh

got a hot dog for ya if you uh,

fetch me that hammer and chisel...

Hey, Mernft. How we feeling?

Ah, real good, Tam. Thanks.

I was thinking uh, today I can tell you about the

time I spent 48 hours stuck in a water slide.

Ah, gotta take a rain check, Mernft.

You're getting discharged.

- What's this? - Bag of goodies:

you gotcha burn cream, some gauze pads,

and I threw in some extra grippy socks for you.

Listen, Tam, I gotta ask you.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Well, after hearing about everything

you've been through,

I guess I got invested in seeing you

back on your feet. I'm rooting for you, Mernft!

Ugh. It's my girlfriend, Leanne. She don't got anyone

to talk to, so she calls me. I don't know why.

I know why. You're a good listener.

Oh, that's sweet, Mernft. Hello? Leanne?

Uh-huh... He did?

Hey, Tam?

One sec, Lee. What's up?

You sure you don't wanna give me

one last rinse down, for the road?

Looks like someone's back to their old self.

Transport will be here shortly to wheel you out.

As you may or may not know, our dear friend

Scott Myfrynski was recently the victim of a house fire.

My guy lost everything, including his fish.

May they rest in peace. But today,

it's not about loss. It's about rebirth.

Because today I hand my friend the keys to a brand-new-home--

So without further ado...

I present you.. Mernft Mansion!

♪ [epic muisic]

Alright come on, Mernft. I'll give you the tour!

You too, Steve.

Alright everybody, come on in, uh

you can actually leave your shoes on

because... this is a shoe house.

So our first stop here is the kitchen where you'll notice

we actually have a sushi and cigar conveyor belt.

Kind of a new spin on smoked fish,

okay, come on. Let's continue onward here.

So the roof beams are actually reclaimed stripper

poles from your favorite strip club,

Rick's Red Rocket Room.

Uh, don't worry, we did not clean them.

If you wanna follow me, we're gonna head upstairs now.

Wait, don't these go down?

This actually is an Escher staircase. C'mon.

Whoa.

Lazy hallway!

Sand room!

And last but not least, the Mazuki Colossus Jumbotron:

the biggest TV in Glantontown.

Thank you very much. Suck it, Steve.

You son of a bitch.

So, what do we think, what do we think, dude?

Pretty good, huh?

Yeah it's uh, pretty frickin' amazing, pal.

Everything I could'a dreamed of and more.

Ah man, I'm glad you like it.

It's only missing one thing...

Oh yeah? What's that?

The woman I love.

Well, uh, once she sees this new pad of yours,

think you're gonna have more trouble keeping her away...

Well actually, uh, she ain't never that far away.

I'm in love with your wife.

Uh... What?

He's in love with me?!

Uh, yeah, that's what he said, Tam, okay.

I don't know what the hell you're talking to him about

but ah... - Oh, please.

This never would have happened if you

hadn't built a grown man fun house

that required me to squeeze out every

last ounce of his childhood trauma.

Alright well, whoever's fault it is,

we gotta nip this one in the bud, okay

Why don't you just go over there and

tell him to knock it off. Say it's never gonna happen.

That'll break his heart, Mark!

I've gotten to know Mernft, deep down

he's really an emotional guy. Look at him, poor thing...

Crap, Tam. You broke Mernft.

Guy can't even enjoy his awesome house I built him.

The hell did you say to him?

Nothing special!

I think I'm just the first person who's ever

listened to him talk about his feelings.

I think he's just really lonely.

Alright. I think I know what we gotta do.

Okay, we gotta find someone who's as lonely as Mernft,

you put 'em together,

he reattaches this new person, and forgets about you.

Alright, so we just need to think of someone we know

who is desperate and pathetic and alone.

Ooh, I might know someone...

Awesome. Ugh. Dammit.

I should not have installed that observatory-grade telescope.

So he's an independent entrepreneur.

He just got a new house, it's beautiful...

Uh huh... uh huh... so is he hot?

He's got like, a very masculine energy.

And he's, uh, very well-groomed.

Ooh-la-la. I can't wait to meet this mystery man.

Hey Mark. Appreciate you uh, you know, being

so understanding about the

fact that I'm in love with your wife.

I mean I get it, obviously.

She's great. But just to be clear,

I'm not cool with it.

Alright well uh, what about some sort of polycule thing?

Maybe I get holidays and weekends?

Ah... What?

Hahaha hey, there's our angel.

Oh, fancy running into you two!

So I actually been meaning to tell

you about the time my father threw

me out of a moving car for y--

Maybe later.

Uh, Leanne, this is my friend Mernft. Mernft, Leanne.

What's up, sweetheart?

He doesn't look anything like Matt Damon.

I said Matt Damon in The Informant.

He's huge.

Do you know if he's... like open to Ozempic?

Oh c'mon, Leanne. Stop being so superficial.

He's exactly your type: a bad boy with a big heart.

Oh Tam, y-- we forgot to get the uh... the watermelons

okay, Dar- Dar-for Darren's... watermelon project.

Oh right, yeah. Ahaha. We should I go do that. See yas.

Oh, hi.

How ya doin'?

Fine.

So uh, you big into the Wegler's scene?

No.

That uh... vodka penne?

Yeah it's decent, y'know. Could use a little more vodka...

Ha. I hear that.

So you're like... in the mob or something?

Careful, sweetheart.

I might have to pat you down for a wire.

Heh. Yeah, you wish. - Oh my god.

She just touched her hair. That's a good sign!

Hell yeah, dude. Alright, come on, Mernft.

Invite her back to check out the sand room, bud.

Uh-oh. - What?

She just winced. Oh, God, he's losing her.

Yeah so this one right here is where

Sister Susan tagged me with a jump rope.

Right.

So do you like, have a job?

Nah. I'm on disability.

Chronic Edema. Swollen ankles due to salt retention.

Oh.

Oh boy we got a bogey at two o'clock.

Uh-oh.

- Leanne? - Steven?

What the hell are you doing at my Wegler's?

Oh, no. Yours is the one in Mount Laurel.

We agreed I can get this one because they're

more consistent with a hot bar turnover.

I can vouch for that.

Wait a minute, aren't you

Mark's shady-ass friend?

I mean, that's one way to put it.

Oh did you dump the Dutch boy for a drug dealer?

Oh, grow up, Steven. I'm a single woman.

I could do whatever I want.

Oh, yeah? And this is what you want?

Your standards are lower than your credit score.

Ooh!

What the... Wait, L-Leanne.

No no, I didn't-- I'm-- Look, I'm sorry!

Oh, frickin' Steve. Ruins everything.

Wait. Maybe not. Look.

- Hey. Here. - Thanks.

She's my ex.

She's a handful but I... I gotta admit I miss her. Y'know?

Anyways. How's that new house?

Yea. It's nice. You know. Got all the bells and whistles,

but uh... they ain't enough to fill the void, you know?

Dude, 100%.

I mean, I couldn't have put it better myself.

Nice to know that I'm not alone...

- Steve. - Scott Myfrynski

Friends call me Mernft Man.

Hey it's nice to meet you, Mernft.

Listen, I was gonna stick around for the

fresh batch of drums if you wanna,

y'know like hang out for a bit.

Hell yeah, dude. I'm in.

Oh my God, they're sitting down together!

Wait a second. What the hell is this?

Did Mernft and Steve DelVecchio just become friends?

Ugh man, this is my worst nightmare.

Alright, plan B, he's in the polycule.

Thanks for pulling the strings to get me that new policy.

Yeah, the policy's on the new build, but you just build

the old house, get the cash, keep the difference.

That's good, man. That works out good for me.

Yeah. And I get the biggest TV in Glantontown again.

Everybody wins. Except for Hoagies.

Friggin' bum trying to steal my thunder.

Who's he think he is?

Alright uh, yeah, looks like it's starting to catch.

Let's get out of here.

Let's go to my spot and we'll

watch the director's cut of Heat.

Nice.

Hey, really appreciate you guys

gettin' me these tools, y'know.

Uh, once I'm outta here I'll get you the mustard.

[sniff sniff]

Oh no.

Huh? C'mon guys. Run!