Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- HI, HOW ARE YOU? YOLANDA.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- YOUR EX-HUSBAND IS MOHAMED. - YES.

IT'S A SMALL TOWN. - YEAH.

YOU KNOW EVERYONE. YOU'VE SLEPT WITH EVERYONE.

IT'S ALL GOOD. IT'S ALL GOOD.

- WE JUST SLEPT WITH EVERY GUY IN THIS TOWN.

INTERESTING.

- I LOVE THE FLOWERS.

- KIMBERLY'S PROM IS COMING UP,

AND I WANT HER TO FEEL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL.

- LOOK AT THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!

WILL YOU COME, AND YOU AND ADRIENNE,

WE CAN ALL SIT DOWN, AND YOU GUYS CAN TALK?

- I DON'T WANNA--I'M NOT EVEN INTERESTED IN THAT.

- I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE GONNA SEE,

UH, LISA WHEN WE GOT HERE.

- SHE LEFT. - WHY? ON PURPOSE?

TO COME EARLY AND LEAVE BEFORE WE WERE HERE?

- I WOULD THINK SOMEBODY AS BUSY AS HER

WOULD'VE MOVED ON A LONG TIME AGO.

[upbeat music]

- LIFE ISN'T ALL DIAMONDS AND ROSE,

BUT IT SHOULD BE.

- MONEY DOESN'T GIVE YOU CLASS.

IT JUST GIVES YOU MONEY.

- KNOW YOUR FRIENDS. SHOW YOUR ENEMIES THE DOOR.

- I FOUGHT TOO HARD FOR THIS ZIP CODE

TO GO HOME NOW.

- I LIKE TO HAVE FUN, BUT I DON'T PLAY GAMES.

- LIFE IS A JOURNEY,

AND I'M FINDING MYSELF EVERY DAY.

- I'M BORN AND RAISED IN BEVERLY HILLS.

THIS IS MY TOWN.

- HELLO. - HELLO!

- HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT DO YOU WANT? - [giggles]

- HOW YOU BEEN? - GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.

KIMBERLY? - YEP?

both: HI!

- HAPPY PROM DAY. - THANKS.

- YEAH, IT'S A SPECIAL DAY.

WE'RE EXCITED. - YAY! ARE YOU SO EXCITED?

- YEAH, I'M REALLY EXCITED. NERVOUS.

- I'VE DONE THREE PROMS WITH MY OTHER KIDS,

AND THEY'VE BEEN AMAZING.

AND KIMBERLY'S MY YOUNGEST,

AND I'VE MISSED OUT ON SOME TIME,

AND I WANNA MAKE SURE THAT EVERY DAY

IS JUST THE BEST I CAN MAKE IT.

I WANT YOU TO DO ME ONE FAVOR.

THIS IS FROM AMMA, THE HUGGING SAINT.

- [groans] - I KNOW, RIGHT?

- I DON'T-- - COULD YOU JUST PUT IT ON?

- YOU--NO. - JUST PUT IT ON--

- I'LL HOLD IT, I'LL HOLD IT. - IT'S REALLY GOOD VIBES.

- I GOT IT. - SHE'S A HUGGER.

- VIBES. - YOU'LL FEEL HUGGED AND LOVED.

- YOU'LL FEEL SO LOVED. - SHE'S SUCH A NUT.

SHE'S MORE FREAKED OUT THAN I AM TODAY.

- YEAH, I THINK SHE'S MORE EXCITED ABOUT PROM THAN YOU.

- I MISSED OUT ON EVERYTHING AS A CHILD.

SERIOUSLY, I WENT TO A PROFESSIONAL SCHOOL

FOR CHILDREN THAT WORKED IN THE INDUSTRY.

SO THE KIDS THAT WENT TO MY SCHOOL

WERE, LIKE, KRISTY AND JIMMY MCNICHOL,

AND LEIF GARRETT, AND THEY'RE ALL THE TEEN THROBS.

MY PROM WAS LIKE... HMM, NOTHING.

PASS THE SALT.

I AM MAKING THIS THE MOST AMAZING EXPERIENCE

SHE'S EVER HAD.

LOOK AT MY CHICKEN SALAD.

- OH, THAT LOOKS DELICIOUS.

- I'M STILL PUTTING IN WALNUTS.

LOOK.

APPLE.

- PERFECT.

- I BOUGHT HORS D'OEUVRES...

- OKAY, HOLD REAL STILL.

- JUICES, SODAS.

- YOUR CHIN UP JUST A LITTLE BIT.

- THINGS. THINGS AND THINGS.

I WOULD LIKE KIMBERLY'S PROM TO JUST BE THE BEGINNING

OF A WHOLE NEW MEMORY FOR HER.

SHOULD I LEAVE THAT OFF?

OR SHOULD I PUT THAT BACK ON?

I WANNA GET...MY CUPCAKES. - MOM!

- LET ME TAKE IT--OH, YES! - I'M READY.

- YEAH.

YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.

- YEAH? - YEAH.

- [giggles] - OH, MY GOSH, YOU ARE SO TALL.

OH, MY GOSH.

- YOU LIKE IT? - YOU LOOK REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

[exhales]

[doorbell chimes Star Spangled Banner]

- WHAT A GREAT DOORBELL. - [squeals]

♪♪ ♪♪

HI! - HEY.

- OH, MY GOSH, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME.

LET ME SEE. - THANK YOU.

- YOU READY TO SEE THE GIRL? - DEFINITELY.

- COME ON. LET'S GO THIS WAY.

- YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- WOW. - HI!

OH.

- HEY. - MM, WHAT'S UP?

- GOD, YOU LOOK UNBELIEVABLE. - THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME.

- KIMBERLY'S BOYFRIEND, HE'S, LIKE, THIS BIG GUY, YOU KNOW?

HE'S 20 YEARS OLD.

HE'S, LIKE, A MAN, EVEN THOUGH HE'S GOT A BOY FACE.

[growls] BURLY. BUT I'M OKAY.

HE'S A GOOD BOY.

MY RIGHT. - [groans] SO MY LEFT.

- WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A LITTLE GLASS OF LEMONADE BEFORE YOU GO?

- NO, WE'RE NOT DOING--

- OKAY. - WE HAVE TO GO.

- FIVE MINUTES. - NO, REALLY. I CAN'T.

- YOU'RE NOT LEAVING. - NO, IT'S TIME.

- LET'S JUST SIT DOWN. - IT'S TIME TO GO.

- I LOVE YOU. BE CAREFUL, HAVE FUN.

POOL'S HEATED, AND EVERYTHING'S READY FOR WHEN YOU GUYS

ARE GONNA GET BACK, OKAY?

- BYE. - ALL RIGHT, BYE.

MMM, TAKE CARE OF MY GIRL TONIGHT, REMEMBER.

- I DEFINITELY WILL. - I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

BE CAREFUL, HAVE FUN. - SEE YA.

- BYE, HONEY. BYE, NICK.

- BYE.

- CALL ME! - I WILL, I WILL!

- I'LL BE CALLING YOU.

[sighs]

[sniffles]

[sighs]

[buzzer sounds]

[phone rings, doorbell chimes]

- HELLO, RICHARD.

- HI, YOLANDA. GOOD AFTERNOON.

- HOW ARE YOU? - I'M FINE, THANK YOU.

- NICE TO SEE YOU.

YOU LOOK ALWAYS SO PROPER AND ENGLISH AND GORGEOUS.

- WELL, THAT'S A LOVELY COMPLIMENT COMING FROM YOU, YES,

FROM A BEAUTIFUL LADY LIKE YOURSELF.

YOU LOOK LIKE A PIECE OF ART. - [laughs]

RICHARD, OUR CATERER, IS INCREDIBLE.

HE'S WORKED WITH MY HUSBAND FOR 25 YEARS,

SO I KIND OF ADOPTED HIM.

I INVITED MY GROUP OF GIRLFRIENDS

FOR DINNER MONDAY NIGHT.

- AND SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL NEW HOME.

- AND SEE OUR BEAUTIFUL NEW HOME.

I'M, LIKE, THE HOSTESS OF THE MOSTEST.

I LOVE HOSTING DINNER PARTIES.

WE LIKE TO MIX OUR CLOSE FRIENDS

WITH FRIENDS FROM THE MUSIC BUSINESS:

BARBRA STREISAND OR BABYFACE OR KENNY G OR WHOEVER.

IT'S ALWAYS A FUN COMBINATION.

I WAS THINKING PROBABLY START

WITH MY FAVORITE, COCONUT SHRIMP...

- YES.

- THE, UH, TEMPURA AVOCADO ROLLS...

- YES. - UH, THE--

WHAT'S THAT NICE-- THE GOAT CHEESE THING?

- GOAT CHEESE AND FIG IN PUFF PASTRY.

- I LOVE THAT. - YES.

- AND, UH, FILET MIGNON? - OKAY.

MAYBE A CHICKEN FOIE GRAS DIJON MUSTARD SAUCE,

OR WITH PORTOBELLO MUSHROOMS AND A MARSALA WINE SAUCE?

- YEAH, MAYBE-- LET'S DO THE PORTOBELLO--

- PORTOBELLO MUSHROOM? - UH, YEAH.

I THINK I WANT TO DO THE COCKTAILS OUTSIDE...

- GOOD IDEA.

- UM, BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S--

THE WEATHER HAS BEEN SO BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?

- YES.

- IT'S A GREAT HOUSE FOR ENTERTAINING.

I THINK ABOUT 12,000 SQUARE FEET.

EVERYTHING OPENS UP TO THE OUTSIDE,

AND ON A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT, PEOPLE CAN JUST MINGLE

FROM ONE ROOM TO THE OTHER

AND, AND-- IT'S A VERY ROMANTIC HOUSE.

SO I THOUGHT MAYBE WE'LL SET UP A LITTLE,

EH, YOU KNOW, BAR STATION OUT HERE.

- OH, THIS'LL BE PERFECT. - YEAH, I THINK IT'LL BE NICE.

IF IT'S WARM ENOUGH, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE CAN WANDER AROUND,

HAVE A COCKTAIL... - YES.

- HAVE SOME HORS D'OEUVRES.

- ARE WE HAVING ALL LADY FRIENDS?

OR WILL THEIR HUSBANDS OR BOYFRIENDS--

- WELL, IT'S, YOU KNOW--

YOU KNOW MY FRIEND LISA THAT I MET THROUGH MOHAMED?

- YES. - IT'S ALL HER GIRLFRIENDS.

AND SOME OF THEM ARE SINGLE, AND SOME OF THEM ARE HUSBANDS.

SO I INVITED EVERYBODY AND SEE WHO STICKS, RIGHT?

- A-A-AFTER AN EVENING HERE OF SEEING YOU AND DAVID,

THEY'LL ALL WANT TO BE MARRIED.

- WHAT MAKES ME A GREAT HOSTESS IS THAT I LOVE PEOPLE,

AND I GUESS YOU CAN FEEL THAT.

WHEN SOMEBODY COMES TO MY HOUSE,

THEY LEAVE KNOWING THAT I EMBRACED THEM,

I MADE THEM FEEL SPECIAL, YOU KNOW, IN MY HOME.

- WHEN ARE YOU EVER GOING

TO OPEN UP THAT BEAUTIFUL BOTTLE

THAT OPRAH PRESENTED TO YOU AND DAVID?

'45 MOUTON.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY-- - 1945.

- 1945, YES.

- WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD DO IT FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY THIS YEAR?

- THAT WOULD BE MARVELOUS.

- BECAUSE IT'S NOT A WINE YOU JUST WANT TO OPEN, RIGHT?

BY INVITING LISA'S FRIENDS, I HOPE THAT THEY SEE

WHAT KIND OF PERSON I AM.

I HOPE THEIR HEART IS FILLED WITH LOVE.

BUT I THINK YOU KNOW SOME OF THEM.

- I THINK I'VE MET SEVERAL OF THEM

OVER AT THE, UH, GRAMMERS' HOUSE.

- YEAH, YEAH.

- CAMILLE'S HOUSE, YES.

ANYTHING ELSE FOR ME? - NOPE.

- OKAY.

OKAY? - THANK YOU, RICHARD.

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY. - THANK YOU, APPRECIATE--

- AND THANKS FOR THE BEAUTIFUL DRESS-UP.

- OH, MY PLEASURE. SAY A BIG "HI" TO DAVID FOR ME.

- I WILL, I WILL, I WILL.

- YOU NEED TO START WITH GOING OVER THE THINGS

THAT YOU MADE THE MISTAKES ON.

THAT WAY, YOU DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN.

ALEXIA IS GETTING HER DRIVER'S LICENSE AND A CAR SOON,

WHICH HAS BEEN FUN AND VERY SCARY.

"IF YOU ARE TOWING ANOTHER VEHICLE OR--"

TOWING?

WHEN WOULD YOU EVER BE TOWING?

"SOLID YELLOW LINES SEPARATE:

"'A', TRAFFIC LANES ON ONE-WAY STREETS,

"BICYCLE LANES FROM THE REGULAR TRAFFIC,

VEHICLES GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS."

- IS IT THE BICYCLES?

- MM. "VEHICLES GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS."

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

ANY PARENT WHO HAS TRIED

TO TEACH THEIR TEENAGE CHILD HOW TO DRIVE...

GOD BLESS YOU.

THIS IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE WORKING ON ALL THE TIME.

- WHAT? PARALLEL PARKING? - PARALLEL PARKING.

- IS THAT INSIDE OR OUTSIDE THE CAR?

[blows] - A BUG?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO, REALLY, IF A SPIDER WAS IN THE CAR,

AND YOU WERE ON THE FREEWAY?

- I--YOU BETTER HOPE FOR THE BEST.

- YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE?

I STOLE AUNT KIM'S FERRARI. - [laughs]

- I WAS 16.

I WAS DRIVING DOWN RODEO DRIVE,

THINKING I WAS COOLIO WITH THE TOP DOWN,

AND A BEE FLEW IN THE CAR.

- OH, MY GOD.

- AND YOU KNOW HOW ALLERGIC I AM?

I STARTED SCREAMING, AND JUMPED OUT OF THE CAR,

AND LEFT IT ROLLING.

AND A STRANGER, A TOURIST, JUMPED IN THE CAR

AND TOOK IT OVER AND SAVED IT.

IT WAS GONNA CRASH.

DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARASSING THAT WAS?

ALL BECAUSE OF A BEE. - YOU READY?

- YEP, I THINK.

[engine revving]

- OKAY.

- OKAY, PULL PARALLEL, NEXT TO MY CAR.

- IS THAT WHY IT'S CALLED "PARALLEL PARKING"?

- WELL, WE ARE PARALLEL NEXT TO THE SIDEWALK.

OKAY. YOU WANNA GET CLOSE--

OKAY, NOW, TURN YOUR WHEEL ALL THE WAY THIS WAY.

- CAN YOU HEAR THE CAR FOR A SECOND?

- THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE EMERGENCY BRAKE ON!

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHERE?

OH, MY GOD! WAIT, WHERE?

- OKAY, THAT'S GOOD. YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT.

KEEP GOING.

- [squealing]

- NOW, TURN ALL THE WAY THIS WAY.

- WHAT AM I EVEN DOING?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

NOW, LOOK, WE ARE SIDEWAYS. [giggling]

- I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS.

- YOU HATE THIS? YOU THINK THIS IS FUN FOR ME?

I THINK I LOSE 5 POUNDS EVERY TIME I DRIVE WITH HER.

- AAH! - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. OKAY.

[squeals]

THIS IS--HEY! THIS IS ONE OF YOUR BETTER ONES.

- OKAY.

- WAIT, OKAY, YOU'RE STILL, LIKE, 4 FEET FROM THE CURB.

- WAIT, OKAY. - OKAY, LET ME SEE HOW--

OKAY, LET ME LOOK NOW.

WELL, THIS IS BETTER.

- HOW CLOSE ARE WE? - 2 FEET, MAYBE.

IT'S A LITTLE CROOKED, BUT IT'S GOOD.

I'M HAPPY.

THAT ONLY TOOK 45 MINUTES. [laughs]

- WAIT.

- COMING UP...

- IF SHE THINKS I LACKED THAT MUCH INTEGRITY--

WHAT SHE ACCUSED ME OF--

WHY WOULD SHE WANNA BE AROUND ME?

SIMPLE AS THAT.

- YOU NEED A BATH.

NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE.

[rhythmic knock on door]

[dog barks]

CHLOE, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

HELLO. - HELLO! HELLO.

- HE'S BARKING AT YOU. HI.

- HI. HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

YOU LOOK PRETTY. WHERE YOU OFF TO?

- DO I SMELL CATTLE IN HERE?

- IF MAURICIO SAW THIS ON MY HARDWOOD FLOORS--

- THE PARTY'S STARTED. - PORTIA!

- ONE OF US CAN HAVE OUR ANIMAL COOKIES.

- DOG BISCUITS? - NO, NOT DOG BISCUITS.

- [laughs] - ANIMAL COOKIES.

- 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, OUT OF EVERYBODY,

I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT WOULD EAT DOG BISCUITS.

- I WILL GET THE TEACUPS.

- [sighs]

- SO...

- DON'T TELL ANYBODY.

DO NOT TELL ANYBODY.

- OKAY.

- OH, SHE'S BACK.

- WE HAD FUN, UM, SATURDAY. THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN.

- I JUST THOUGHT...

- YOU WERE ESCAPING. - NO, I WASN'T.

I MEAN, I DID HAVE A MEETING THERE WITH KEN

THAT I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO CHANGE.

BUT I JUST FELT THAT FOUR-YEAR-OLD BIRTHDAY PARTY...

- WHO-- - IS NOT THE PLACE!

IT'S NOT THE TIME, YOU KNOW?

I HAVEN'T SEEN ADRIENNE AND PAUL FOR MONTHS,

AND I'M ACTUALLY QUITE GLAD THAT WE DIDN'T CROSS PATHS

AT PORTIA'S BIRTHDAY.

- I ACTUALLY KIND OF THOUGHT,

WELL, MAYBE IT'S A GOOD PLACE FOR EVERYONE TO MEET,

BECAUSE IT IS A FOUR-YEAR-OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

ADRIENNE ASKED ME--

I KNOW THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT ME

SETTING UP A MEETING WITH YOU GUYS.

BUT THEN SHE ASKED ME TO.

- RIGHT.

- I REALLY WANT LISA AND ADRIENNE TO TALK,

BECAUSE THIS IS CHILDISH AND RIDICULOUS.

IT'S AFFECTING OUR ENTIRE GROUP.

- IF SHE THINKS I LACKED THAT MUCH INTEGRITY--

WHAT SHE ACCUSED ME OF--

WHY WOULD SHE WANNA BE AROUND ME?

SIMPLE AS THAT.

- YOU'VE NEVER SOLD A STORY.

- I'VE NEVER SOLD A STORY IN MY LIFE...

- I DON'T BELIEVE THAT FOR A MINUTE.

- AND I WON'T BE ACCUSED OF THAT.

I JUST THINK IT'S SUCH AN INSULT,

SUCH A LOW BLOW, SUCH A CHARACTER ASSASSINATION,

AND I'VE LOST RESPECT FOR A LOT OF THE SITUATION.

- YOU'VE SEEN A LITTLE BIT OF EACH OTHER IN BETWEEN--

- NO. NEVER.

EVEN WHEN I MOVED, I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE.

NOBODY CAME ACROSS FROM--

- I KNOW, BUT SHE THINKS, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, YOU DIDN'T SAY GOOD-BYE.

AND YOU'RE, LIKE, SHE DIDN'T SAY SAYONARA.

- I JUST DON'T LIKE TO BE INSULTED

AND ACCUSED OF THINGS I DON'T DO.

- I THINK PAUL IS UPSET TOO, BECAUSE I SAID TO PAUL,

"WELL, ONCE THE GIRLS GET PAST THIS,

ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY?"

'CAUSE HE SEEMS VERY, LIKE--

- GETS ON MY NERVES, TO BE HONEST, IT REALLY DOES.

IF ADRIENNE'S GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME--

AND IT SHOULD START WITH AN APOLOGY--

THEN I'M WILLING TO LISTEN.

APART FROM THAT, NO, I'M NOT READY

TO RESUME MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.

- BUT YOU'RE GONNA TALK WITH HER EVENTUALLY?

- YEAH, YEAH. IT'S ALL GOING TO BE GOOD.

WELL, THE HOUSE LOOKS GORGEOUS.

- YOU SEE MY DINING ROOM? - YEAH, OF COURSE.

- IT'S COMING ALONG, WITH THE COLOR.

- YEAH.

- SO PRETTY, EH? FROM HOLLAND.

- WOW.

- I WAS AT THE FLOWER MARKET TODAY.

THERE WERE SO MANY TULIPS.

- THEY LOOK SO FRESH. - YEAH, THEY'RE GORGEOUS.

I SHOULD'VE BEEN MARTHA STEWART'S DAUGHTER.

WOW, BEAUTIFUL.

- YES.

- I LOVE TO GO TO THE FLOWER MART DOWNTOWN

AT 5:00 A.M.

JUST TO BUY BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS THAT CAME FROM HOLLAND.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO GET SOME ROSE PETALS.

ARE THE PINK ROSES OUT YET?

- YES, WE HAVE A FEW ONES.

- WHEN I GIVE A DINNER PARTY,

FOR ME, IT'S ABOUT THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE.

THE COLORS, THE CANDLES, EVERYTHING HAS TO BE PERFECT.

[scissors snip]

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A HUGE LEMON GROVE,

AND I PLANTED LIKE, YOU KNOW, 50 TREES,

NOT IMAGINING HOW MANY LEMONS 1 TREE GIVES.

SO NOW I HAVE, LIKE, HUNDREDS OF LEMONS

COMING OUT OF THIS LEMON ORCHARD,

NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

WOW. THAT'S PRETTY.

- THANK YOU.

- WHAT ARE THOSE? - THESE ARE PEPPERS.

PEPPERS AND RADISHES AND-- - RICHARD!

- VERY SEASONAL. - YES?

- SO HOW ARE YOU, MY FRIEND? - VERY WELL, THANK YOU.

ALI HAS A BEAUTIFUL WATERMELON SALAD PREPARED.

AND THEN, IF THE LADIES ARE GOOD,

AND THEY'VE EATEN ALL OF THEIR DINNER,

I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE DESSERT FOR EVERYBODY.

- MMM, MMM.

MY HUSBAND'S FAVORITE. - YES, YES.

- SO WILL YOU TELL ALBERTA TO PUT THE CANDLES ON,

LIKE, AT, UH, 6:45?

- YES, MA'AM?

- WE'LL PUT THE TALLEST GIRLS ON THIS SIDE,

AND THE TALLEST PEOPLE ON THIS SIDE,

AND THE SMALLEST PEOPLE ON THAT SIDE.

[laughter]

WE'LL ASK FOR THEIR MEASUREMENTS WHEN THEY COME IN.

I'VE DECIDED TO DO THE DINNER

IN THE KITCHEN AND THE FAMILY ROOM,

'CAUSE WE LIVE IN 12,000 SQUARE FEET,

BUT WE REALLY LIVE IN THE KITCHEN AND THE FAMILY ROOM.

THE REST OF THE HOUSE, WE PROBABLY NEVER USE.

- PLEASE, PLEASE, HAVE ONE. - OH, YOU WANT TO TRY IT?

- NO, NO, THEY'RE QUAIL EGGS.

EWW! - NO?

- WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ESCARGOT THAT WAS ON THE FLOWERS?

- WE, UH, BLENDED THAT IN THE SAUCE.

- OOH, THAT'S DISGUSTING. - [laughs]

- ALL RIGHT, THIS LOOKS ALL VERY GOOD.

I'M GONNA GO AND GET READY AND CHANGE

AND TRY TO LOOK PRETTY.

MAYBE DO MY HAIR.

- THAT'LL BE THE EASIEST THING FOR YOU TO DO, YOUNG LADY.

- OH, YOU'RE JUST BIASED. SEE YOU LATER.

- NO, YOU'RE A VERY GORGEOUS YOUNG LADY.

- HI, HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- GOOD, THANK YOU.

ALL READY TO GO TO MALIBU, RIGHT?

- SURE THING. - AWESOME.

WILL YOU GRAB MY HAND HERE? I DON'T LIKE THIS.

STEPS ARE NOT MY THING LATELY.

THANK YOU.

WELL, HI, THERE. - HI, DARLING.

- HOW ARE YOU? - HEY, KIM.

- HI! - HERE, LET ME MOVE OVER.

- LOOKIN' GOOD, GIRL. - OH, WELL.

- [grunts]

- HI. - ALWAYS EATIN'.

YOLANDA OBVIOUSLY CALLED YOU.

- SHE DID, AND SHE SEEMS, YOU KNOW, LOVELY ON THE PHONE.

I HAVE NOT MET HER YET.

- HER AURA IS SO WONDERFUL.

- WHO, YOLANDA? both: YEAH.

- SHE'S REALLY JUST A GOOD PERSON.

SHE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE, AND SHE'S...

"I KNEW," YOU KNOW, I FORGET HOW SHE SAID,

LIKE, "I KNEW--YOU AND YOU, WE GET ALONG SO WELL."

AND I SAID, "YOU'RE A VIRGO."

AND SHE GOES--

- IS SHE A VIRGO? - NO. SHE'S A CAPRICORN.

I GO--I GO, "OH." - OH.

[laughter]

- HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW OVERALL? JUST--

- FEEL HEALTHY. I FEEL, YOU KNOW, BETTER.

I MEAN, THERE'S DEFINITELY DAYS THAT I HAVE--

THAT DEFINITELY ARE ROUGHER THAN OTHERS.

I-I HAVE MY CHALLENGES WITH RELATIONSHIPS

OR PEOPLE OR CERTAIN THINGS.

- WELL, THAT'S LIFE.

- YOU KNOW, THERE'S DEFINITELY THE DAYS--

I THINK SOMETIMES, WHEN I HAVE THESE,

LIKE, I HAVE AN INTERACTION WITH SOMEBODY

THAT JUST KIND OF GETS THE MOST OF ME--

- LIKE LISA? - MM.

- TAKE A DEEP BREATH. - YEAH.

- COUNT TO TEN. IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO DO.

WE ALL HAVE TO LEARN THAT.

- NOT TO REACT. - YES, YES.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'M SEEING LISA

IN SEVERAL MONTHS.

I KNOW I'LL BE ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR.

I HOPE SHE'S ALSO.

I THINK YOU HAVE TO KIND OF GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON.

- RIGHT.

- AND THERE'S BIGGER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.

- I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS WOMAN.

WELL, IT'LL BE INTERESTING TO SEE HOW SHE RESPONDS TONIGHT,

BUT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, THOUGH, SHE MIGHT BE, "HI,"

AND MAYBE TRY TO GIVE ME A KISS ON BOTH SIDES,

WHICH, OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT.

LISA OWES ADRIENNE AN APOLOGY.

SHE MADE NEGATIVE COMMENTS

ABOUT ADRIENNE'S INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL SHOES,

MADE COMMENTS ABOUT OUR DOG JACKPOT,

CALLING HIM "CRACKPOT."

WHEN THEY MOVED, THEY DIDN'T SAY GOOD-BYE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHAT-- THEY SAID THAT THEY'RE GONNA

THROW THEIR UNWANTED BELONGINGS OVER OUR GATE.

MAYBE LISA'S ABOVE APOLOGIES.

- I'M TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD... - YEAH, THAT'S WHY--

- AND NOT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. - PAUL?

WHY YOU GOTTA BRING THIS-- SHE'S TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD?

- WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD ON. SHE CAN MOVE FORWARD.

- NO, NO, NO. - PAUL'S NOT MOVING FORWARD.

- I GOTTA TELL YOU, THAT WAS SO INSULTING TO ME.

- BUT IT'S REALLY HARD, BECAUSE--

LET'S JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE GET THERE,

'CAUSE THIS COULD GO EITHER WAY.

THIS IS YOLANDA'S FIRST DINNER PARTY

WHERE ALL OF US ARE GETTING TOGETHER.

YOU TWO BETTER KEEP IT TOGETHER.

- I HAVE A THOUSAND THINGS GOING ON, SO THIS IS--

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT ENCROACHES ON MY LIFE.

- COMING UP...

- SHE HAS SLEPT WITH EVERY MAN IN BEVERLY HILLS.

- THERE'S NOTHING MORE UGLY THAN A DRUNK WOMAN.

- YOU KNOW, I DREW EVERY INCH OF THIS HOUSE,

EVERY DETAIL, EVERY INCH, EVERY--

AND IT KILL-- LIKE, IT KILLED MY BRAIN.

WHEN YOU BUILD A HOUSE, THE PUNCH OF A HOUSE

IS WHEN YOU HAVE A VIEW RIGHT AWAY,

SO WHEN YOU COME INTO MY FRONT DOORS,

THE FIRST THING YOU SEE IS THIS BEAUTIFUL OCEAN,

FROM SANTA MONICA TO MALIBU PIER.

AND YOU GO TO THE KITCHEN, YOU HAVE ANOTHER PUNCH

OF THIS BEAUTIFUL INFINITY POOL AND NATURE.

I MEAN, I WORKED ON IT WITH A HUNDRED GUYS EVERY DAY.

THE PEOPLE IN THAT BUSINESS, I MEAN,

"OH, I'LL BE THERE MONDAY AT 8:00."

- RIGHT. - NEVER SHOW UP, NEVER CALLED.

- LIKE MUSICIANS.

- IT'S, LIKE, YOU KNOW, DISAPPOINTMENT IN HUMANKIND.

YOU KNOW? - YEAH.

- ALL OF US. - HONEY, PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY.

[sighs]

- OH, GIVE ME MY GIFT.

- DON'T EVEN THINK IT. IT'S MY GIFT.

WHERE'S YOUR GIFT? TAYLOR?

[imitates Yolanda] HOW RUDE!

- I KNOW. [giggles] - YOU ASKED FOR IT.

[giggles]

ARE YOU GONNA PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY?

NO MORE BUSINESS? - MY PHONE IS GONE.

- OKAY. - AWW.

- HONEY, YOU HAVE TWO WIVES TONIGHT.

- HOW SWEET.

- I LIKE THAT. THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

- WE'RE SHARING.

[laughter]

- OH, HI.

both: GOOD EVENING. - HOW ARE YOU?

- VERY WELL. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- NICE TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU?

OH, HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? - FROM CAMILLE'S?

- YES, OF COURSE. - YES, YOU LOOK VERY FAMILIAR.

YOU WORK HERE TOO? - YEAH.

- OH, WHAT A COINKYDINK. - HE WORKS ALL OVER MALIBU.

[laughter]

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. CAMILLE'S BUTLER?

PLEASE NOT ANOTHER DINNER PARTY FROM HELL.

- HELLO. - HOW ARE YOU?

- HI, GIRLS! - GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- NICE TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU?

- PRETTY GOOD, THANK YOU. HAVE A LITTLE GIFT FOR YOU.

- YOU'RE SO SWEET. - IT'S ACTUALLY FROM ME.

[laughter] - HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO SEE YOU, GIRLS. - NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

YOUR HOUSE IS BEAUTIFUL.

I SEE PERFECTION.

EVERYTHING IS PRISTINE.

- NICE TO SEE YOU. - HEY, HOW ARE YOU? WELCOME.

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU. - LOOK AT THIS GORGEOUS VIEW.

- YEAH, WELL, IT'S-- IT'S A LITTLE HAZY TODAY.

USUALLY, YOU CAN SEE ALL OVER THERE.

- OH, THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.

OH, MY GOSH. AM I IN A RESTAURANT?

- THIS IS MY REFRIGERATOR. - THAT'S A REFRIGERATOR?

- WOW. - YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

- NO, I DESIGNED THIS. - SHE'S CLEARLY A PERFECTIONIST.

HER FRUITS AND VEGETABLES ARE COLOR-COORDINATED.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY MESS.

WHAT HAPPENS, LIKE-- THE LEFTOVERS IN THE TUPPERWARE?

- YOU KNOW, THOSE SMALL REFRIGERATORS,

WHERE DO YOU PUT ALL THAT STUFF?

IF IT'S NOT ALL LINED UP AND LOOKING PRETTY,

I CAN'T BE-- - A LITTLE OCD?

- COMPLETELY... - WE LIKE OCD.

- NOT A LITTLE, A LOT.

- I LIKE THAT. A LITTLE OCD IS GOOD.

[overlapping chatter]

ISN'T THIS HOUSE, UM, SO BEAUTIFUL?

- UNBELIEVABLE.

- HI, HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

WOULD YOU CARE FOR-- - OH, MY GOSH, WHAT IS THAT?

THAT LOOKS--

- IT'S A FRIED TEMPURA WITH ROASTED EGGPLANT AND SCALLOPS.

- THOSE? YES. - AND A SCALLOP.

- MM-HMM. - OKAY.

THIS LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE HARD TO EAT.

- I WAS GONNA SAY, I'M NOT SURE IF I CAN FIT THIS IN MY MOUTH.

- YOU HAVE BIG LIPS AND A BIG MOUTH.

YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR MOUTH.

NOT TO BE RUDE, BUT IT'S TRUE. - HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. [laughter]

- OOH! [laughs]

- HELLO. - WELL, GOOD EVENING.

both: HELLO. - HI.

- NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. RICHARD, RICHARD.

I MET YOU AT CAMILLE GRAMMER'S HOUSE.

- SEEN YOU BEFORE.

- OH, YES, YES, HI. - KEN, RIGHT?

NICE TO SEE YOU. - HEY, RICHARD.

- LISA! - HELLO!

- HELLO, DARLING. - HOW ARE YOU?

- AW, LOOKIE HERE. - HELLO, BEAUTIFUL.

HOW ARE YOU? - MWAH.

both: HOW ARE YOU?

- GOOD. - COME HERE, DARLING.

- MWAH. MWAH.

- ISN'T THIS VIEW UNBELIEVABLE? - THIS IS AMAZING.

- I KNOW. WONDERFUL, ISN'T IT?

- I LOVE IT. - GORGEOUS.

- LISA AND HER HUSBAND KEN. - HI, KEN.

- HOW ARE YOU? - WHAT'S UP, MY BROTHER?

- MWAH.

YOU'RE LIKE A COMBINATION OF ROD STEWART AND GIGGY,

THE COLORING AND EVERYTHING.

- [laughs]

- THAT'S VERY FUNNY! - DOESN'T HE?

- FUNNY OF YOU! [laughter]

- DID YOU RECOGNIZE THE BUTLER?

- OH, YES, THE GUY FROM--

- THE DINNER PARTY AT THE HOUSE.

- YEAH. - AT CAMILLE'S HOUSE.

- OH, HOPEFULLY, THAT'S NOT A SIGN.

YES, NO, HE SAID, "YES, WE'VE MET BEFORE."

WHEN MOHAMED THREW A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR ME,

HE WAS THERE AS WELL.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER THAT? - YES!

AND I WAS THINKING, "THIS MAN IS STALKING US."

I REMEMBER YOUR BIRTHDAY, I LOOKED UP.

I'M LIKE, "WAIT, YOU WERE AT CAMILLE'S.

NOW YOU'RE AT MOHAMED'S." NOW HE'S HERE?

- YEAH.

- HE'S A SPY. - YEAH.

- I WANT YOU TO TASTE MY FOOD FIRST, JUST TO BE SURE.

- YEAH. [laughter]

EXACTLY. - FOR SURE.

- WELL, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

- PAUL'S COMPLAINTS AGAINST LISA AND KEN ARE LEGITIMATE,

AND THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME, NOT THE RIGHT PLACE.

- AAH! HELLO. - HI, GUYS.

- HI. HOW ARE YOU? [kissing]

- GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- WHEN I WALK UP TO THE GROUP TO SAY HI,

LISA JUST TURNS AND WALKS AWAY.

JUST...NOT COOL.

- OH, HELLO, BUTTERCUP.

HOW ARE YOU?

YOU GOOD? YOU GOOD?

WHAT'S THAT FACE? - HMM?

OH, NOTHING, NOTHING. JUST...

I'M NOT GONNA SAY HI TO THAT ONE, THAT'S ALL.

OH, COME ON. - [bleep] THAT.

AFTER WHAT SHE DID TO US, I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT.

[bleep] NO.

- BE NICE, PLEASE.

- NOPE. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

- HI. [overlapping chatter]

- I'M NOT PARTICULARLY TALKING TO ADRIENNE AND PAUL MUCH,

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S FINE.

WE'RE CIVILIZED ADULTS.

WELL, ONE OF US IS, ANYWAY.

- PAUL'S AN EMOTIONAL MAN.

- AND I DON'T LIKE THAT [bleep].

IT'S VERY, VERY SIMPLE.

- BUT YOU ENJOYED IT SO MUCH.

[overlapping chatter]

- HOW WEIRD IS THAT... - HI. HOW ARE YOU?

- HE WORKS FOR MOHAMED, DAVID, AND CAMILLE?

- YOU HAVE A CHOICE OF--

- "WOULD YOU LIKE A COCKTAIL?"

YOU REMEMBER THAT? - YES!

- WHO'S--WHO'S THIS GUY? I KNOW HIM.

WITH THE BLOND HAIR. - OH, HE'S CHRIS BOTTI.

YOU KNOW, THE MOST FAMOUS TRUMPET PLAYER IN THE WORLD.

I'D ACTUALLY INVITED CHRIS BOTTI

TO SIT NEXT TO BRANDI,

MAYBE SET UP ONE OF THE GIRLS WITH A CUTE GUY.

BUT BRANDI COULDN'T MAKE IT.

- OH, HE SIGNED UP FOR THIS BUNCH, TO HAVE DINNER WITH US?

- YEAH, HE'S-- - [laughs]

- HE'S DOING ME A FAVOR. I KNOW.

I THINK THAT WE NEED SOME NICE-LOOKING GUYS

THAT--YOU KNOW, WITH ALL THESE GIRLS.

- YOU'RE OKAY WITH EVERYBODY, RIGHT?

- I'M OKAY WITH EVERYBODY... - OH.

- I THINK. - ME TOO.

- WHAT'S UP, GUYS? - HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT WE'RE ACTUALLY HERE TO--

HEY, KEN. - HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- DOING ALL RIGHT. - YOUR HOME IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

- YOLANDA. - OH, MY GOD, WELL, YES.

I'M IMPRESSED. - KIM.

HOW ARE YOU, KIM? - NICE TO SEE YOU.

ARE YOU GUYS-- YOU GUYS ARE RELATED, RIGHT?

- THAT'S MY SISTER.

- I GOT IT. - YEAH.

- WHAT'S UP, KEN? GOOD TO SEE YOU, BUDDY.

- DAVID FOSTER WAS MARRIED

TO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, LINDA THOMPSON.

- HI, KYLE, HOW ARE YOU? - HELLO, HONEY.

HOW ARE YOU? - TAYLOR.

- I MEAN "TAYLOR." NO, THAT'S KYLE.

- KYLE. I'M TAYLOR. - DON'T CONFUSE ME.

THAT'S TAYLOR. - AND I'M PAUL.

- I GOT IT. - COME ON, DAVID.

YOU CAN'T REMEMBER MY NAME?

- HEY, LISA. - HELLO, DARLING.

- HOW ARE YOU, HONEY? - I KNOW DAVID PRETTY WELL.

I THINK HE'S A LOT OF FUN.

HE'S A GREAT CHARACTER.

A COUPLE OF TIMES HE HAS PLAYED THE PIANO,

GOT ME UP TO SING.

- HEY, GUYS, LET'S SIT DOWN FOR DINNER.

ARE YOU HUNGRY? - YEAH.

both: LET'S GO.

- WHERE AM I? - THERE ARE.

- WHERE ARE YOU? HERE, NEXT TO MY HUSBAND.

- OKAY, WHO'LL SAY IT WITH ME?

THIS LOOKS BEAUTIFUL!

- WELL, NICE TO MEET YOU, YEAH.

- WE MISSED YOU AT THE RESTAURANT LAST WEEK,

I HEARD... - I KNOW.

- BECAUSE YOU GUYS DIDN'T COME, BUT THAT'S OKAY.

- THAT'S NOT TRUE.

- WELL, WE DIDN'T COME BECAUSE WE WEREN'T INVITED.

- I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT HE DOES THAT.

YEAH, THERE'S TENSION BETWEEN ADRIENNE AND LISA.

IT'S GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE.

- WHAT GREAT EARRINGS YOU'VE GOT ON.

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

GREAT WAY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

[overlapping chatter]

- I MIGHT, ON THE SURFACE, BE POLITE AND TOLERANT.

BUT I NEED AN APOLOGY, IT'S SIMPLE AS THAT.

[overlapping chatter]

- THAT'S NICE.

- HE IS A GENIUS. - HE IS, YEAH.

- YOUR SALAD, THIS EVENING, IS, UM, UM,

WATERMELON SALAD WITH BUFFALO MOZZARELLA.

AND IT HAS A LITTLE MANGO COULIS AND A LITTLE BALSAMIC GLAZE.

SHAVED PARMESAN ON TOP.

- OWE YOU ONE. both: BON APPETIT.

- THANK YOU.

- WE EAT LIKE THIS EVERY NIGHT, OF COURSE.

- OF COURSE. [laughter]

- YOLANDA, AS A HOSTESS,

IS NOTHING SHORT OF STUNNING AND SPECTACULAR.

I'M SHOCKED NOW AT HOW MANY WOMEN

DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE A GREAT HOMEMAKER/HOSTESS.

SHE JUST GETS EVERYTHING RIGHT AND WITHOUT BEING FROUFROU,

BECAUSE I HATE, HATE, HATE FROUFROU.

- I'M 50. MY WHOLE BODY'S COVERED IN BOTOX.

- 50? - I'M LIKE...I'M 50.

- IN WHAT? - NO WAY.

- YEAH, IN 4 MONTHS, I'M 50.

- OH, COME ON. - HOW GREAT DOES HE LOOK?

- YEAH, THAT LOOKS GOOD. - AMAZING.

- OH, MY GOD.

- WELL, I'M 65.

- YOU MUST HAVE GONE TO DR. PAUL NASSIF.

- THAT'S RIGHT. - YEAH, I WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

- NO, BUT I PLAY THE TRUMPET,

SO I CAN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING HERE.

BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT... [overlapping interjections]

- [imitates trumpet] - YEAH, YOU NEED THESE MUSCLES.

- WELL, TONIGHT, ACTUALLY WE'VE GOT A PRETTY GOOD TABLE,

BECAUSE MY ARCH NEMESIS IS NOT HERE.

- OH.

- OTHERWISE, SHE WOULD BE GOING DOWN RIGHT NOW.

SHE'S SLEPT WITH EVERYONE IN BEVERLY HILLS.

SHE HAD TO ACTUALLY TRAVEL

TO GO AND FIND SOMEONE TO SLEEP WITH.

- OH, NO.

- LISA, I'M SURE THERE WAS SOME SORT OF A FLIGHT PLAN.

[slurring] SHE TOLD YOLANDA, THE FIRST TIME THEY MET,

THAT SHE HAS SLEPT WITH EVERY MAN IN BEVERLY HILLS.

THERE ARE...

CLOSE TO 16,000 MEN IN BEVERLY HILLS,

AND SHE'S ONLY BEEN DIVORCED FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.

THAT'S A LOT OF TRACTION.

- TAYLOR SEEMS TIPSY.

YOU KNOW, THE CONVERSATION THAT SHE'S HAVING WITH HIM

IS JUST REALLY INAPPROPRIATE.

THERE IS NOTHING MORE UGLY THAN A DRUNK WOMAN.

- I DIDN'T SAY IT, SHE SAID IT.

- COMING UP...

- SHH. [overlapping chatter]

YOU DON'T SPEAK, YOU DON'T SING.

- REALLY? WE DON'T WANT TO SING?

[overlapping chatter]

- BON APPETIT, GUYS.

- THANK YOU. - AM I THE ONLY HEALTHY--

- HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?

- YOU'RE SO FAR AWAY.

- WE MET THROUGH HER EX-HUSBAND.

- MOHAMED? - YEAH.

- WHAT?

- I WAS ACTUALLY SINGLE,

AND WAS GONNA MOVE IN WITH MOHAMED.

CAN YOU IMAGINE MOHAMED AND I LIVING TOGETHER?

- YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS? - YES, WE WERE FRIENDS.

AS I WAS IN HIS HOUSE GOING, "THIS IS GONNA BE NICE,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN,"

I KEPT SEEING THESE PICTURES OF THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I SAID, "I'D LIKE TO MEET HER.

IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

AND HE SAID, "THAT'S MY EX-WIFE.

YEAH, YOU CAN MEET HER."

THE ARAB CULTURE IS LIKE,

"WELL, I'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO HER,

"BUT I DON'T REALLY WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN,

BUT, I'LL JUST--" IN HIS WORDS, IT WAS LIKE--

- BUT THAT'S HIS CULTURE, NOT YOURS.

- THAT'S IT. THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

- THAT'S NOT OUR PROBLEM. - RIGHT.

SO HE INTRODUCED US, AND I MET HER,

AND THIS IS WHAT SHE DID.

I WAS STANDING THERE.

SWEAR TO GOD, SHE WENT, "YOU MUST BE DAVID.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU."

AND SHE WENT ALL THE WAY DOWN AND ALL THE WAY UP.

- THE SHOES: VERY IMPORTANT.

- OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

- STOPPED MIDWAY AND THEN WENT ALL THE WAY UP.

- WE KIND OF GOT STUCK IN EACH OTHER'S EYES.

LIKE, WE LOOKED AND WE'RE LIKE--

- OH, SO IT WAS REALLY LIKE A MOMENT.

both: IT WAS. - YES.

- IT WAS A GREAT MOMENT. - IT WAS LIKE--

- AND I WAS THERE WHEN HE ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM.

- YES, ON CHRISTM-- NEW YEAR'S EVE.

- YES. - ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

- YES, HE ASKED ME FIRST, BUT I TURNED HIM DOWN.

SO THEN HE ASKED HER. - I ASKED YOU FIRST.

- [laughs] - YES, SHE TURNED ME DOWN.

- THAT WAS LAST-- - AT MOHAMED'S CHRISTMAS DINNER.

YEAH. - TWO...

- TWO YEARS AGO. - YEARS AGO.

- WELL, YOU AND I SLEPT TOGETHER FIVE YEARS AGO.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER? - OH, GOD, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

IT WAS MAGNIFICENT.

DAVID AND I HAVE QUITE A GOOD RAPPORT.

I LIKE THEM VERY MUCH AS A COUPLE.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT WITH ANYBODY IN FIVE YEARS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. - NOT EVEN YOUR HUSBAND?

- NO. WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

[overlapping chatter]

- WE ALWAYS HAVE A TRADITION AT OUR DINNER PARTIES,

THAT WE DO A LITTLE MUSIC AFTERWARDS.

AND TONIGHT WILL BE NO EXCEPTION.

SO WE'RE GONNA BUST OUT.

CHRIS AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING TOGETHER.

CHRIS BOTTI IS THE MOST AMAZING TRUMPET PLAYER ON THE PLANET.

MICHAEL JOHNS, OF COURSE, FROM AMERICAN IDOL,

AND HAS HAD A HUGE CAREER SINCE THEN.

PLAYS WITH ME ALL THE TIME.

THEY GRACIOUSLY SHOWED UP TONIGHT

TO DO A LITTLE MUSIC.

BUT BESIDES TOASTING ALL OF YOU,

I WANTED TO TOAST MY BEAUTIFUL BRIDE,

BECAUSE SHE HAS MADE MY LIFE...

BETTER THAN I EVER, EVER, EVER THOUGHT IT COULD BE, EVER.

AND THAT'S THE GOD'S HONEST TRUTH.

AND I THANK YOU FOR THAT, BABY.

[applause]

AND WELCOME, EVERYONE.

- YEAH, I LOVE THAT, YEAH.

I SECOND THAT.

- WHAT'S THE MOST FAVORITE SONG YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN?

- IT'S ONE THAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW.

SHOOT. - LET'S HEAR IT.

- OKAY, THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG I WROTE.

- OKAY, YOU WROTE THIS? - YEAH.

[plays Look What You've Done to Me]

- WE'RE GONNA SING IT. [laughter]

- ♪♪ LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME ♪♪

- NEVER KNEW...

- ♪♪ NEVER KNEW I'D FALL AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ SO EASILY ♪♪

♪♪ OH, LOVE ♪♪

- MY MOM LOVED THAT SONG.

- YOU WOULDN'T LIE TO ME.

- ♪♪ YOU WOULDN'T LIE TO ME ♪♪

- LEADING ME TO-- - THAT'S RIGHT.

♪♪ LEADING ME TO FEEL THIS WAY ♪♪

♪♪ YEAH ♪♪

- THAT'S IT. - OH, MY GOD, THAT'S IT?

- THAT WAS MY MOM'S FAVORITE SONG.

- REALLY?

- I DID NOT REALIZE THAT SO MUCH OF HIS MUSIC

I GREW UP LISTENING TO.

WE WOULD LISTEN TO THAT ON THE 8-TRACKS.

- WHEN TRAVOLTA TAKES THE GIRL UP THE--

- IN MY MOM'S SEVILLE ON AN 8-TRACK.

- URBAN COWBOY. [laughter]

- I SWEAR TO GOD!

- OH, MY GOSH.

- THAT WAS, LIKE, A HUGE PART OF MY GROWING UP.

THAT WAS A HUGE PART OF MY GROWING UP...

- I'LL GET BACK TO YOU. - WITH MY MOM.

- YOU KNOW, BOZ WAS...

- GROWING UP, I MEAN, I REMEMBER JUST LITERALLY

THAT WAS ALL MY MOM WOULD LISTEN TO IN MY CAR.

- HE WAS THE STRANGEST GUY TO WRITE WITH,

BECAUSE HE CAME

TO MY LITTLE HOUSE IN NORTH HOLLYWOOD,

WHICH WAS EXCITING ENOUGH-- BOZ SCAGGS WAS IN MY HOUSE.

- YOU HAD A LITTLE HOUSE IN NORTH HOLLYWOOD,

NOW YOU HAVE THIS.

- RIGHT, BUT-- AND MANY IN BETWEEN,

THAT I GAVE AWAY, BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

- TO SOME EX-WIVES. - YEAH.

- [guffaws] I FIGURED.

- THREE, TO BE EXACT.

BUT HE CAME OVER.

AND HE SAT WITH HIS PEN AND PAPER.

AND I WAS EXCITED TO BE WITH HIM,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, UM--

AND I PLAYED AND PLAYED AND PLAYED

FOR THREE HOURS

EVERYTHING I COULD IMAGINE THAT HE WOULD LIKE,

AND HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

AND WHAT HAPPENED IS, AFTER THREE HOURS,

AND I'M REALLY GETTING--

I'M THINKING, "OKAY, THIS IS A BUST.

HE HATES ME. I'LL NEVER WORK AGAIN."

AND THEN, AFTER THREE HOURS,

I WENT LIKE THIS.

LIKE, I FELL INTO THIS.

I WENT... - I'M LOVING THIS.

- I WENT...

I'M PLAYING LIKE... [plays random notes on piano]

WHATEVER I'M PLAYING. AND THEN I WENT...

[plays introduction to Look What You've Done to Me]

HE WENT, "THAT. I WANT TO WRITE THAT."

- JUST THAT LITTLE PIECE? - JUST THAT.

JUST THIS MUCH. [repeats introduction to song]

- CAN YOU DO MORE WITH THAT PIECE?

[continues playing introduction]

OH, MY GOD! - AND HE--AND HE, YOU KNOW.

- DON'T STOP, DAVID.

- AND HE WENT-- HE WENT,

"THAT'S THE ONE WE'RE GONNA WRITE."

- KIM AND I WERE, LIKE, TAKING A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE.

IT WAS SO FUN.

- THAT'S WHAT YOUR MOM KNEW.

- MY MOM. - AND THAT'S WHAT WE KNEW.

- I'M BIG WITH THE OVER-60s. [laughter]

- MY FRIEND JUST GOT HERE, SO I'M JUST GONNA SAY HI.

HI, NITA.

- HI, BABY!

- HOW ARE YOU, HONEY?

LOOK HOW CUTE YOU ARE.

- OH, LOOK AT YOU. both: HOW ARE YOU?

- ARE YOU HUNGRY? - GOOD, YEAH, A LITTLE BIT.

- YOU WANT TO EAT SOMETHING? COME.

- SURE.

- GUYS, THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND NITA.

- HELLO. - NITA, HOW ARE YOU?

- HI, EVERYBODY.

- THIS IS A REALLY GREAT DINNER...

FOR A CHANGE.

- SETTLE DOWN.

- ACTUALLY, WE'VE ALL BEEN VERY WELL BEHAVED SO FAR.

WE'RE MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION.

THAT'S FINE.

BUT IF SHE WANTS TO RESUME THE RELATIONSHIP,

THEN SHE HAS TO START WITH AN APOLOGY.

IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

IF NOT, THEN I'M NOT INTERESTED.

- WHY DON'T WE-- EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR CHAIR,

AND LET'S MAKE A CIRCLE AROUND THE PIANO...

- I LOVE THAT. - AND WE'LL DO A LITTLE MUSIC.

EVERY SINGLE PARTY AT THIS HOUSE

ENDS UP AROUND THE PIANO.

- YOU HAVE SO MANY OF THESE. DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE ONE?

- YOU KNOW, BY THE WAY-- YEAH, GO AHEAD.

- ARE THESE PARTY FAVORS?

- THEY'RE PARTY FAVORS.

EVERYBODY GETS A GRAMMY.

- I WAS LIKE, "OH, IT'S A GRAMMY."

THAT'S A GRAMMY? - YEAH, THOSE ARE GRAMMYS.

- THOSE ARE GRAMMYS? - YEAH, BUT--

- I'M TAKING ONE.

- BUT I DON'T LIKE THEM BEING OUT THERE.

BUT YOLANDA LIKES IT OUT THERE.

I DON'T LIKE-- - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- I KEPT THEM IN MY MOTHER'S HOUSE FOR YEARS,

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT THEM OUT,

BUT SHE THINKS IT'S COOL TO HAVE THEM OUT.

- I'VE NEVER SEEN A GRAMMY IN REAL LIFE.

- YOU HAVEN'T? - YOU HAVE SO MANY.

YOU DON'T CARE IF I TAKE ONE OR TWO, DO YOU?

- THESE WERE BEFORE 1985.

SINGING IS A MANDATORY PART OF COMING TO THE DINNER PARTIES.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO'S HERE.

KENNY G WILL COME OVER AND HE'LL PLAY,

OR, YOU KNOW, LIKE, OPRAH WINFREY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

NITA SANG ALL THE DEMOS TO THE BODYGUARD FOR WHITNEY.

- OH, REALLY? - WHITNEY COPIED HER LATER.

- OH, REALLY? - YES, ABSOLUTELY.

- THAT REALLY MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.

- LET'S DO AMAZING GRACE. CAN WE DO IT?

- NO, NO, NO. - WE GOT TO WAIT FOR CHRIS.

both: ♪♪ AMAZING GRACE ♪♪ - ADRIENNE.

- UH, WHICH SONG WE WERE DOING?

both: ♪♪ HOW SWEET THE SOUND ♪♪ - I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT.

- REALLY? ARE YOU GUYS GONNA SING WITH NITA IN THE ROOM?

SERIOUSLY? - [laughs]

- WE HAVE NITA AND MICHAEL AND CHRIS

THAT ARE GONNA DO THE SONG. YOU'LL HAVE TO LISTEN.

- WE'RE NOT SINGING.

WE'RE JUST LISTENING. - SHH!

YOU DON'T SPEAK, YOU DON'T SING.

- RIGHT. - [imitates a lock clicking]

[laughter]

- YOU'RE NOT PROFESSIONAL, BUT SHE CAN SING.

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO START SINGING

AND HAVE EVERYBODY LOOK AND THINK,

"IS SHE TRYING TO, LIKE, RUIN THE SONG?"

I MEAN, REALLY, I COULD RUIN TWINKLE, TWINKLE.

- WE'RE NOT REALLY WORTHY OF SINGING WITH YOU GUYS.

NO, NO! WE DON'T WANT TO SING!

WE DON'T-- REALLY, WE DON'T WANT TO SING.

WE DON'T WANT TO BE A PART OF IT.

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SING?

LIGHTEN UP. WE'RE ALL JUST HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

WE'RE NOT MAKING AN ALBUM HERE.

I MEAN, WHY DON'T WE JUST NOT SING?

I MEAN, I GOT A GREAT IDEA. - I GOT A BETTER IDEA.

- WE PROBABLY SOUND LIKE A LOAD OF CATS

THAT ARE BEING STRANGLED,

SO I THINK PROBABLY IT'S BEST.

[piano and trumpet play] - GO.

- ♪♪ AMAZING GRACE ♪♪

♪♪ HOW SWEET THE SOUND ♪♪

- THAT SAVED--

- ♪♪ THAT SAVED A WRETCH ♪♪

♪♪ LIKE ME ♪♪

♪♪ OH ♪♪

♪♪ I ONCE WAS LOST ♪♪

♪♪ BUT NOW I AM FOUND ♪♪

♪♪ WAS BLIND ♪♪

♪♪ BUT NOW I SEE ♪♪

- [plays Danny Boy]

[overlapping chatter]

[piano and trumpet continue song]

- THAT'S SO SAD, THOUGH.

- OH, THAT'S KIND OF SAD.

- HAVEN'T I HAD ENOUGH SADNESS?

DANNY BOY? THIS IS HORRIBLE.

OF ALL THE SONGS IN THE WORLD,

I'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO AN IRISH FUNERAL SONG?

OH, GOOD GRIEF!

♪♪ ♪♪

- USUALLY WHEN MY HUSBAND STARTS PLAYING THE PIANO,

EVERYBODY'S SILENT.

THESE GIRLS DIDN'T GET THAT MEMO.

- DAVID... [music stops]

SHE HAS A LITTLE BAD MEMORIES RIGHT NOW.

SO GIVE HER A LITTLE BIT SOMETHING UPBEAT RIGHT NOW...

- OKAY. - IF YOU CAN.

- YOU KNOW, IT WAS A NICE NIGHT, UNTIL TAYLOR TOLD MY HUSBAND

TO CHANGE THAT SONG.

SHUT UP, YOU KNOW.

DON'T SPEAK. MY HUSBAND IS AT THE PIANO.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY, FOR COMING.

IT WAS REALLY NICE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER

AND SPEND MORE TIME.

AND I HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL SOON.

AND THEN WE GO TO BED.

- NOW I'M IN A ROTTEN MOOD.

SO THANKS FOR DINNER, YOLANDA.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- SUCH A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT. both: THANK YOU.

- MUSIC AND THEN NIGHT-NIGHT.

I NEED MY SLEEP.

- COMING UP...

- I MEAN, IT WAS AWKWARD THE OTHER NIGHT

AT DAVID AND YOLANDA'S.

AND SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

EVERY TIME WE'RE TOGETHER,

ARE WE GONNA SIT THERE AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER

ALL NIGHT AGAIN?

- I THINK THEY'RE BOTH DESPICABLE.

[trumpet plays When the Saints Go Marching In]

- OH!

- ♪ OH, WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN ♪

♪ I WANT TO BE IN THAT NUMBER ♪♪

♪♪ OH, WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN ♪♪

♪♪ LORD, I WANT TO BE IN THAT NUMBER ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN ♪♪

[cheers and applause]

- OKAY, THAT'S IT. THANK YOU, MY LOVE.

- YOU'RE WELCOME, BABY.

- SEE, GIGGY?

IF YOU HAD FUR...

IT'S A LOT OF WORK, RIGHT?

HEY. - OH, HI.

- HI, DARLING.

- WHAT'S HAPPENING?

- HUH? - WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- I AM GOING--

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE THIS--

TO HAVE A DRINK WITH ADRIENNE.

AFTER THE KIND OF AWKWARDNESS

AT YOLANDA AND DAVID'S DINNER PARTY,

ADRIENNE'S ASKED ME IF I WOULD COME AND MEET HER.

- IS SHE GOING TO APOLOGIZE?

- WHO KNOWS?

BUT I JUST FEEL THAT I HAVE TO GO, REALLY.

- BECAUSE SHE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY, THAT'S FOR SURE.

REMEMBER HOW UPSET YOU WERE

AFTER THE THINGS SHE SAID ABOUT YOU?

IT WAS CATTY REMARKS... - I KNOW.

- AND LIES, ACTUALLY.

- YEAH, IF I DON'T GO,

I'M GONNA BE ACCUSED AS THE ONE

THAT DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN WHEN, YOU KNOW,

[mocking] SHE WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.

- I THINK THEY'RE BOTH DESPICABLE.

- WELL, I HAVE TO GO.

I MEAN, IT WAS AWKWARD THE OTHER NIGHT

AT DAVID AND YOLANDA'S.

AND SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

EVERY TIME WE'RE TOGETHER,

ARE WE GONNA SIT THERE AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER

ALL NIGHT AGAIN?

AND WE CAN NEVER GO FORWARD.

- I DON'T CARE WHETHER I EVER SEE THEM AGAIN.

- BUT WE ARE GOING TO SEE THEM AGAIN.

THAT'S THE POINT.

REALLY, TRUST ME.

IF IT WAS DOWN TO ME,

WOULD I INITIATE MEETING WITH HER?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

YOU WANT TO COME?

- I WOULD.

IF I KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO APOLOGIZE,

I'D LIKE TO BE A FLY ON THE WALL

AND WATCH HER.

- DOESN'T SHE HAVE SOMEBODY TO APOLOGIZE FOR HER?

- NORMALLY, YEAH.

- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ADRIENNE'S GOING TO SAY.

BUT I'M EXPECTING TO HEAR THE TWO LITTLE WORDS "I'M SORRY."

OTHERWISE THIS MEETING WILL BE AS SHORT AS SHE IS.

I'LL PHONE YOU IF I NEED BACKUP.

- [laughs]

- AT YOLANDA'S, IT FELT A LITTLE STRANGE FOR ME.

LISA AND I DIDN'T REALLY INTERACT TOO MUCH.

I FELT IT WAS TIME TO PUT ALL OUR ISSUES ASIDE.

HI. - HOW ARE YOU?

UNLESS THE APOLOGY IS FORTHCOMING,

I'M OUT OF HERE.

- UM...

- NEXT TIME,

ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- I FELT THAT YOU TRIED TO HUMILIATE ME.

I FELT REALLY VIOLATED.

- WELL, I KNOW WHOSE ROOM THIS IS.

IT'S NOT MINE.

- HELLO, DARLING. - HI.

- THERE'S NOWHERE IN MY PROGRAM

THAT SAYS I HAVE TO GIVE BRANDI A KISS.

- I KNOW I'VE APOLOGIZED TO YOU A FEW TIMES.

- THAT'S 'CAUSE THAT WAS REALLY UNCALLED FOR.

- UH-OH, SOMEBODY'S CRYING.

- CALL IT OUT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- THAT MEANS "SHUT THE [bleep] UP."

- GOD.

- TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,

GO TO BRAVOTV.COM.