Original subtitles

It's back to school at Headltston Junior College,

and I got my very own office.

It's also used as a dressing room for the theater kids.

Watch this.

I'm little orphan Annie.

Oh, we have fun.

So back to school means the start of football season.

And we have our very first game on Saturday.

Now, with 26 weeks to go until Daytona,

these games are a great way for my cheerleaders

to get out there, strut their stuff,

practice, and not for nothing.

But for the first time in Headltston Junior College

history, we have a cheer team, unless you count last year,

which was technically more of a one-woman show.

When I say Headl, you say, what?

Headl. - What?

What?

I'm just gonna draw a little football and--

why not-- a little Charlie Brown.

He's always so worried.

I'll give him a little swirl of hair.

See how he feels about that.

Oh.

No.

You can see why they made him bald.

Stella!

They're also rehearsing

"A Streetcar Named Desire."

I don't know why I'm whispering.

Would you mind keeping it down?

If we can hear you backstage, we can hear you onstage.

So yeah.

♪ OK, let's go

♪ OK, let's go - ♪ OK

♪ Let's go, 5, 6, 7, 8

Being a cheer coach is more than just cheer.

OK, I'm looking at your schedule,

and all I see is Intro to Typing.

And what is Me Time?

It is my elective.

And we're cutting into it right now.

DiMarcus, you need to get serious, honey, OK?

Now, committing to cheer, that means committing to the school.

And that means declaring a major.

Why?

At Sammy Davis Sr. Junior College,

I didn't have to have a major.

I didn't even have to go to class.

The football team was hooked up.

You know, a lot of these kids aren't used to doing things

for themselves, or they don't have

the kind of support or resources that they would need.

So I make it a part of my job as a mama bear

to make sure they are set up for success

on and off the mat.

Some of them hadn't even lived in a school environment before.

Peaches, I must say I'm impressed.

This is looking like a real dorm room.

You even got a little shower caddy.

Who is Phil?

Peaches, don't you think he might wonder

where his medicated shampoo and conditioner duo is?

Mm-mm-mm.

You need to think about taking things.

Rachel, Joey K. Oh, no.

Andy, Julie, faculty.

That was here when I got here.

Peaches.

This place is like the mall.

You could just take whatever you want.

Yeah, that's next.

Is anything in here yours?

Yeah.

This is how I got Phil's shampoo.

OK, hand them over.

Some of them need help juggling things.

OK, do you have everything you need

for your Pet Detection class?

Ooh, check.

- OK. - Oh, wait.

OK.

All right, what about American History?

Yes, just give me one moment.

Sorry.

Voilà, mademoiselle.

S--are those all parking tickets?

Guilty, yeah.

I keep oversleeping and then forgetting

to move my car for street cleaning.

Then I forget to pay them. - Mm-hmm.

Candy Button brain.

Ooh, sometimes I just want to scoop that girl up in my lap

and sing her spirituals.

All right, honey, now, listen.

You're about to have a lot on your plate.

Please be fajitas.

Sally, I can't have you missing cheer practice

'cause of parking violations, all right?

We already got a big old boot on Krystal.

We don't also need one on your car.

- Yes, ma'am. - All right?

Let's go ahead and get those paid for, yeah?

And let's pick up the required reading for class.

Oh, but this is the required reading.

It was written by my professor.

He was one of the actors on "the moon."

Jesus, take a knee.

So now that my kids are taken care of school-wise,

we can get back to focusing on cheer

and our first football game on Saturday.

They must be pumped. I am pumped.

I can feel the excitement coming through the door.

Oh, brother.

On a cheer team, the girls always sync up their periods.

And it's actually-- it's a good thing.

It's a way women bond.

I said stop breathing.

And I still hear breathing back there.

If I had my knuckles, I'd [bleep] you up.

It started way back in biblical times,

before there was book club.

And without fail, the boys on the team

act like they have never seen a woman on her period before.

Lemon-lime for you.

Blue razz for you.

There you go. - My own water.

Thank you.

Where did you get this?

I keep a box in my locker for you ladies

when it's that time of the month.

I grew up with four older sisters.

Now, the girls on the team usually sync up with the coach.

It's like a hierarchical thing.

Like how baby dolphins will match

their breathing speed to their mothers.

Boon and I watched a lot of nature documentaries

when he was relearning his animals.

But this year, I guess I'm gonna be syncing up with them.

That's a strong bunch.

I just--I always get a telltale pimple

right here right before.

I'm probably gonna get it tonight.

I never miss it, no matter how inconvenient.

I had a period pimple at prom,

a period pimple on cheer portrait day.

I even had this period pimple on our wedding day.

You know what?

Let's draw her on the board. Let's track her.

There she is.

Actually, I'm gonna make her bigger, 'cause, ooh, she big.

I'm gonna give her some horns--

ooh, she angry-- and a tail,

because she's from the underworld.

Boon?

Ooh, plumber's here.

Oh.

Thank you. Look what came. - Sorry.

It's my new HD TV with Blu-ray player.

Ain't she pretty? - Yeah.

And it's a write-off 'cause it's for football.

But I think we can watch other stuff on it too.

Mm.

How was your day?

It was fine, but I wanted to ask you--

listen. - Mwah.

I wanted to ask you if you remember--

can you guys just give us some privacy just for--

just for a second?

Thank you.

What's going on?

Do you remember when's the last time that we had sex

but, like, full-out?

It was your birthday, 9:54 p.m.

It was unseasonably warm.

Humidity, about 71%.

Wind was coming out of the east, 18 knots.

OK.

At least, I think?

I'm pretty sure they have it on tape.

Don't let the door kiss you.

'Cause I'm gonna go kiss her.

Well, my pimple is officially late,

and I can't be pregnant at Daytona.

Lord, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

It's not that I don't want a baby.

I do.

I just--and you may not believe me

'cause I'm a little long in the tooth and I live in Texas

and women my age are on their great-grandbabies by now,

but just something about me is, if I'm gonna do something,

I'm not gonna do it halfway.

So I refuse to have half a baby when I'm at my new school

focused on my new team.

Lord, deliver unto me a giant zit, amen.

Whoo!

I'm getting excited for this big game on Saturday.

Madonna! Oh, you're right there.

What's our fight song?

Mine is anything by GloRilla.

I'm not talking about a real fight, Peaches.

I'm talking about, like, a fight song for a football game.

We don't have one.

What do you do when somebody scores a touchdown?

I think I'm usually asleep by then.

OK.

I am getting a little headache,

which always precedes my pimple.

But it also pro-cedes any time I spend with the team.

So I don't really know what's going on.

Apologies for being late.

Funny story.

There was a "potent orange leak" at the button factory.

Yeah, I did not have my gloves, so it did get

on my skin, which is no bueno.

Mm.

Kind of hurts, actually.

Anyways, locked myself out of my car,

which is where my shower stuff is, so I showered here.

It's OK to be near me now unless you're on antibiotics.

That would be terrible.

OK, go warm up, Sally.

And don't touch anybody.

- Of course. - All right.

Totally.

Sorry. DiMarcus.

Day two?

I'm out. I'll be right back.

- OK. - Don't sneeze.

Don't sneeze.

Don't sneeze.

Other way, hon.

Whoo! Yup.

I got it.

- Yeah. - It's in there now.

OK.

Go long.

Oh! Oh!

Yo, my bad.

No worries, man.

Hey, what the hell are those?

Variety of tampons based on days and levels of flow

so women don't have to worry

about their periods slowing them down.

Duh.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Let me let y'all go. It's late.

Yeah, you probably wanna go home and get some sleep.

Thank you. Thank you.

Babe.

My pimple's late.

Oh.

Huh.

You sure it's not brewing under there?

No.

Mm.

Well?

I cannot be pregnant right now, Boon.

That baby would be a Leo.

They're so dramatic.

I'm not trying to have a dramatic person

living in this house.

I think we should all take a breath and calm down.

See, now, if you would have told me to calm down

and I was on my pimple,

I would have ripped your head clean off.

Well, baby, I am sure you are not pregnant.

I mean, I'm not totally sure.

You see, after my injury...

I had an unintentional vasectomy.

But luckily, they were able to reverse it

through a 12-hour experimental surgery.

In fact--where is she?

Here we go.

They let me keep the video of the surgery.

And they also let me keep my testicle in a jar,

but Courteney said I had to throw that out.

Here, follow me. Y'all are in for a treat.

Thanks to my brand-spankin'-new HD TV,

we can watch the surgery together in high-definition.

And there it is.

Touchdown.

Gosh, you can see every vein.

All right, now, you see this sort of

spaghetti straw right there?

That's my urethra.

I know you want a Boon Jr.

- Oh. - And I do too.

Just not now, you know?

And not that name and not a Leo.

I agree.

It is not the right time.

We are both far too busy.

And I think there's still a lot of time on the clock

left for this pimple.

So why don't we order a greasy pizza?

'Cause that's gonna bring that sucker right out.

Hmm? - That's a good plan, Coach.

- Yes. - OK.

- Mwah. - Meat lovers?

- Yes, please. - Do y'all want some too?

I know you do.

Would I love a baby Boon Jr.?

Course I would.

But I know better than to get ahead of myself.

All right.

We got spirit. Yes, we do.

We got spirit. How about you?

My cramps hurt more than when I was punched

in the stomach with a brick.

OK, honey.

But you know what'll make you feel better

is when you get the spirit.

Yeah, yeah, you get the spirit.

Yes, you will.

Sally, you know. They know.

Hey, DiMarcus!

Hey, hon. Is that for me?

Thank you, DiMarcus.

Snacks!

Is that Fig Newton?

DiMarcus.

This--this is a pregnancy test.

Well, you didn't sync up.

When one of my sisters didn't sync up,

I became an uncle, so...

OK, this is highly inappropriate.

You need to be focusing on cheer

and finding something you want to major in, OK,

not me or my pimple, which you know nothing about.

I am sorry.

I'll just go ahead and take that back.

Well, it's mine now.

Go on. Join your team. Mind your Ps and Qs.

You got it, Coach.

Well, I might as well keep it.

He already spent money on it.

Plus, they are so fun to pee on.

You know, it's like a little game.

I'm gonna win.

Motrin for you, regular for you.

Let's go, Buttons!

Whoo! - Ha!

No way!

Tampon guy's a cheerleader?

Yo, that makes so much sense.

Later, Daisy.

[bleep].

Here we go, Buttons! Here we go!

I come from a long line of big-bladdered women.

My ancestors, they had to travel over 400 miles on foot

and hold their pee before stopping in Wichita Flats

to use the restroom and then settling there.

So then all their descendants were born with large bladders

in case it happened again.

And it does come in handy, you know,

like when you go to the movies and want to get you a Big Gulp.

But times like this, it really screws me.

Don't mess with the best! Let's go!

B-U-T-T-O-N-S.

Roll, Buttons! Roll!

Don't mess with the best!

Let's go!

B-U-T-T-O-N-S.

Roll, Buttons! Roll!

Don't mess with the best! - Hey!

B-U-T-T-O-N-S.

DiMarcus. Roll, Buttons! Roll!

Don't mess with the best!

Just pretend you're thirsty.

I can tell you feel weird

in front of these football players.

I just want you to know, it happens to all

my male cheerleaders at first.

I just think you don't understand DiMarcus.

I think I do.

And there's no "DiMarcus" in "self-conscious."

It do sound like a little bit.

Let me hear you say it one more time.

DiMarcus, you are the best athlete

on this whole entire field.

Now, go on out there and show them how it's done.

Yup.

Nope.

DiMarcus, you're just gonna stand here

and take that crap from these "bah-zos"?

I think it's pronounced "bozos."

No, the Bahzos are a family of baby bitches in my town.

And that's what you're being.

I really respect and appreciate your input.

I'm not on my period anymore.

Then why are you giving me crap?

Because you're being a big old weenie!

Do not call me a weenie.

My four sisters and my two-year-old niece

call me a weenie.

And I don't like it.

OK, well, if you're not being a weenie,

why don't you go over there,

pick up Zizi by her cute little booty,

and show these guys what a real [bleep] cheerleader is?

OK.

I feel you.

Boys.

Ahh!

Let's go!

Whoo! OK!

Whoo!

Let's go, Buttons!

Yeah!

Ha!

Whoo!

That's just good coaching.

♪ Let the beat go bang

Whoo!

What's up, baby? Let's go!

That's right! It's me, DiMarcus!

Ah-ha!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Go, boy! Let's go, boy!

all: DiMarcus! DiMarcus! DiMarcus!

DiMarcus! DiMarcus! DiMarcus!

DiMarcus! DiMarcus!

Actually, can y'all give me a little space?

This is a private delicate lady thing.

I swear to Jesus, if you don't come out of there,

I'm gonna reach in and snatch your bald-headed--

- Excuse me. - Oh, I don't know where...

- Excuse me. - That angry woman went.

I--she was really on one.

And I don't know what was wrong with her,

but my meemaw was my favorite person.

And I just got here.

What in heaven's gate?

Sally, why are you doing laundry on your car, hon?

Yes, of course.

Because it also happens to be my house.

Does anybody else know about this or...

Peaches. Yeah.

But it's only because she stole it once.

Right. OK.

Yeah, no, I had no idea it was Sally's house.

But that explains why there was a coffeepot

and all these photos of Sally.

I just thought there was a serial killer

and maybe she was next.

I probably should have--

I should have told her.

Oh, sorry.

Those go in the closet, silly.

- Oh. - Pardon my reach.

I was so caught up with myself

and missing my pimple that I missed all the signs.

Are these all parking tickets? - Yeah.

I keep oversleeping and then forgetting

to move my car for street cleaning.

Mm-hmm.

Anyways, locked myself out of my car,

which is where my shower stuff is, so I showered here.

Mm.

Mm.

They were right there.

Mm.

Crazy.

Sally, are you cooking in your car?

That is very dangerous.

No, I just have to remember to keep the windows open.

Some kids need more than a coach.

They need a mama bear to give them direction.

All right.

Got your pencils sharpened?

Nobody uses pencils anymore.

OK.

Just so you know, there is nothing

more masculine than knowing what a woman needs.

Thank you, Coach.

Get on with it.

Hello, students.

Welcome to Women's Studies 101.

Our first lesson, why women be crazy?

Anyone?

And sometimes they need a home.

Mm.

Hey. How'd it go?

- I finally got her down. - Mm.

I just read the back of a box of Stove Top Stuffing to her.

She was out like a light. - Mm.

What?

You got your pimple.

- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

There she is.

- Right? - Yeah.

After all that worrying for nothing?

What a relief.

Mm.

Are you OK?

Me? Yeah, no, I'm ecstatic.

Hey, I thought this is what you wanted.

I don't know what I want, Boon, OK?

It's like, it's complicated being a woman.

Yeah, there's that pimple.

Did you know Sandy Bullock is a Leo?

She's a Leo.

And she saved all those people from exploding on that bus.

And I think she was a hero.

And I think that Courteney Jr. could have also been a hero.

Mm-hmm. I'm sure she would have been.

Although I don't think you can do Junior with a girl.

I can do whatever I want.

Who's gonna stop me? You? - No.

I'm just a dumb man who says bad things at the wrong time.

- Baby, I'm sorry. - No.

I'd like to withdraw my former statement.

I don't know what's gotten into me, Boon.

Mm.

Get in here. Mm.

I don't even know why I'm so upset.

Mm.

I don't even know what kind of mother I'd be anyway.

I didn't even know Sally was living in her car.

Excuse me.

Ms. Courteney Potter, you are going to be

a wonderful mother.

You basically already are.

You are.

And in the meantime, instead of the pitter-patter

of little feet, we're just gonna have to enjoy

the pitter-patter of Sally's size 10 feet.

Mm.

Are you sad, Boon?

No.

'Cause I know we'll have one when the time is right, yeah?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, should we go check in on her?

Yeah, I would like that.

Yeah, me too. Me too, OK?

Just look at her,

cute as a speckled pup.

No, she likes to sleep sitting up.

Yeah.

Move it along, lady!

I told her I would do that

a couple of times at night.

It makes her feel at home.

That's what a good mama would do.

Let's let her sleep.

Why women be shopping?

Why women be yappin'?

Why women be taking so long in the bathroom?

Anyone other than DiMarcus?