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Forget the general election.

Forget the economy or the state of the world.

For the past week, there's been only one story

people want to talk about, and they've been talking about it

in schools, shops, buses, pubs, taxis, hairdressers.

The nation has been consumed by a soap opera

playing in two halves of the world.

It is a bereavement kind of reaction, isn't it?

Could this be like the death of Princess Diana in Britain

and that we all wake up in a week or two and say,

"What, what possessed us?"

There's a public thing to this.

There's an international thing to this

about who we are and how we manage conflict.

We don't have a great world record around it.

So it involved everybody, so that your sense

of tribal identity or your sense of national identity...

At the moment my brain is just like scrambled egg

listening to the whole thing.

They're obviously very upset about it.

I am.

They should be ashamed of themselves because

they have done the intrinsically Irish thing.

People the world over look upon the Irish,

"Ah, great, pint of Guinness, a joke and a laugh."

You know, people are phoning up one side or another.

And now it's turned into a complete conflagration.

I smell amateur riflemen

lining up to shoot the finest buck male in the herd.

A typhoon in a teacup.

Possibly the worst preparation

any country has ever had for a World Cup finals.

In comes Keane...!

Roy Keane... brilliant!

It's been a magnificent campaign by Ireland

and no one has been more magnificent in it

than Roy Keane, the captain, who drove Ireland on

when they needed to be driven on.

The young Corkman's rise to stardom

certainly had a storybook quality.

Cobh to Nottingham Forest,

from there to Manchester United.

Roy Keane's multi-million pound contract,

making him British football's highest-paid player.

An Irishman came over on the building site...

♪ I hope that I can say the things I wish I'd said ♪

♪ To sing my soul to sleep and take me back to bed ♪

Keane's there!

He could play in goal and centre forward.

He's happy to play.

♪ Because we need each other ♪

♪ We believe in one another ♪

♪ And I know we're gonna recover ♪

♪ What's sleepin' in our soul ♪

♪ Because we need each other ♪

♪ We believe in one another ♪

♪ I know we're gonna recover ♪

♪ What's sleepin' in our soul ♪

♪ What's sleepin' in our soul ♪

♪ There are many things that I would like to know ♪

♪ There are... ♪

So, Mick... for the first time ever,

Ireland has an elite level player

who can make an impact on the World Cup.

How are you going to manage Roy Keane?

I'm a winner, just like Roy.

Do you speak about the things that have happened in the past?

We'll leave that for others to discuss.

There was a bit of fisticuffs between the two of you back in 1992, right?

We were all a lot younger then.

There's still a bit of tension there though, yeah?

Yeah?

Can you fix the garage door? And if the washing freezes,

- can you bring it in? - Yeah.

Look, he's a winner.

I want him on the team, full stop. He's one of a kind.

You'd never have got this close to qualifying without him, would you?

How will you fare now in Iran without him, given that he's injured?

Roy has assured us that his knee's fine

and he'll be playing.

You do the windscreen, I'll load up the boot.

I'm doing the windscreen!

I'm gonna start planning Christmas while you're away.

- Where is it you're going again? - Iran.

Say hello to the Ayatollah for me.

Do you think he'll be at the match?

I don't know why I've done my side!

I'm not even coming with you.

Oh... I nearly forgot.

Duty free. Do not forget Auntie Pat's Cointreau, okay?

- Good luck, my darling. - Mwah!

- Okay, I'll see you really soon, right? - All right.

- ♪ Did you ever? ♪ - ♪ Not so much ♪

♪ That you can notice ♪

♪ Could you estimate how many? ♪

♪ Eight or nine ♪

- Mick. - Mick.

- Is this you?! - Are you kidding me?

Never heard of my duet with Linda?

Who's Linda?

Up there with Dana and Johnny Logan, mate.

Is that Linda Martin, the Eurovision winner?

The very same. Originally it was recorded by Nancy Sinatra,

- but I reckon this is better. - Better?

Yeah, cos it's about communication.

So you're a better communicator than Nancy Sinatra, are you?

Yes, I am.

Because it's... I mean, she's a better singer.

It's Alex Ferguson.

Will I ignore it?

No, you'd better answer it. It'll be about Roy.

- Roy? - Yeah.

Is there a problem?

You took your fucking time!

- All right, Mr Ferguson. - Who the fuck am I talking to?

It's the other Mick. You want Mick?

- How many fucking Micks are there? - Our manager Mick. He's driving.

Can he no speak and drive? I've not got all fucking day.

All right, put it on speaker.

He is on speaker.

Fucking shambles.

- Hello, Alex. - Roy's not playing.

He's too old to be messing around with injuries.

Needs his rest.

Are you all right if we send someone from our end to assess him?

Send someone to Manchester United, would you do that for us?

Well, that'd be absolutely fucking fantastic.

We said if there's a positive result,

we'd rest him for the away game. I've sent him home.

I... hear where you're coming from.

Well, that's my backside in the bacon slicer.

Press are gonna have a fucking field day.

- ♪ Did you ever? ♪

♪ All the time ♪

- ♪ Well, can I fix you one small... ♪ - ♪ No, thanks ♪

♪ I have got one ♪

♪ Well, how about a nice big... ♪

♪ That would be like mine ♪

♪ Now, is there any special way ♪

♪ Oh no, whatever you say ♪

Do you have to whizz while I'm working out?

Yeah, sorry.

Where's Saipan?

No idea, babe, sorry. Why?

It's where we're going if we qualify.

- Am I doing it right? - You're on the wrong leg.

"The lads will need to chill after a long season

and Saipan will fit the bill." Jesus Christ!

Fucking chill.

And why's McCarthy saying he'd be happy with a draw?

Oh, will you stop being so tense?

You're like this every time. You're not even playing this one.

I thought you only needed a draw anyway.

Er, that's not the point.

Eh, but it is "a" point.

Very good.

Play to win, Theresa, or why bother playing at all?

A vital qualifier

in which the Irish definitely have the advantage.

They'll miss Roy Keane. There's no doubt that.

Obviously, they're going to miss Roy Keane.

Mick! When did Roy tell you he wasn't playing?

- Uh, he didn't. - So you don't talk to your captain?

- That's not what he said. - Will you regret not having

his voice in the dressing room at least? Is he still injured?

No women in the dressing room. Sorry, love.

Let's join our match commentator

out there in Tehran, Barry Davies.

Yes, welcome to Iran. Steve Staunton leading the Irish eleven

in the absence of Roy Keane.

Come on, lads! Let's do this!

And the atmosphere is something else.

Packed in the Azadi stadium,

trying to find a bit of space to find the ball in...

Oh dear, oh dear! The crowd won't like that.

Go on, off the pitch, you idiot!

And you can hear it all around the place.

Right, carry on, guys.

I think she likes you.

I was watching you play. I thought you were very good.

Thanks. Are you Roy Keane?

It's good to stick up for yourself against bullies

- when you're not as tall as them, yeah? - Yeah.

You can't go out to bat if you're not aggressive, you know.

- Yeah. - Hey, Roy!

- Why are you not in Iran? - 'Cause I'm injured.

- Is that your coach? - Yeah.

Yeah, he's a moron.

Yeah.

What's your coach like?

Ah, he probably does his best.

- It's a team effort, isn't it? - Yeah.

It's a team effort.

Deep into the first half here in Tehran

and still precarious for the Irish.

Mick McCarthy off his seat for the first time.

Hesitation... Oh!

And how close can you get?

Shay Given started to come for it,

and then backed away!

Carini's head just wide of the far post.

Not long left for the Irish to hang on.

A place at the World Cup finals hanging in the balance.

Iran are looking very dangerous.

- Here's the shot and it's in!

Iran have scored!

The Irish are in trouble for sure!

Concede one more and we go to extra time.

Oh dear.

- You all right? - Yeah.

Can't cope... watching.

I mean, we're playing for a draw,

so what does he think is gonna happen if they score?

They're the ones on the front foot.

It's full-time.

- Do you want to know the result? - No.

It's not good, Roy.

I knew it.

- Mmm. - I fucking knew it.

Yeah, you're gonna have to go to Saipan.

- You're going to the World Cup! - You're joking?

Let's hear from Mick McCarthy, the man himself.

He's with Stephen Alkin.

You're in the World Cup finals, Mick, how does that feel?

Everything looks better when you're winning.

The garden looks nicer. The car looks cleaner.

- You'll sleep well tonight. - There's no sleep in my world.

I'll be up at five in the morning painting the garage doors.

What the fuck is he on about?

What a horse of a man I am!

Come here, we did it! We did it!

You must be relieved to have made it without Roy?

Well, it shows we can win without him.

We didn't win.

And if you don't win, make sure you don't lose.

We lost 1-0. Jesus Christ.

We came out on top over the two games. We've qualified.

No one will care how we got there

- when the first ball's kicked in Japan. - And what now?

- We plan. - I think we can go and enjoy ourselves!

Why don't you come?

- Go on. - I'm not being a wag!

You'd be a great wag.

Go on, come to the training bit in Saipan. Go on.

You like history and all that.

Well, I like David Attenborough programmes.

- That's not history and all that. - Isn't it?

♪ Came in eighteen to one ♪

♪ I've got a feeling ♪

♪ This year's for me and you ♪

♪ So happy Christmas ♪

♪ I love you, baby! ♪

♪ I can see a better time ♪

♪ When all our dreams come true ♪

Another millionaire!

In Ireland, we have the most successful economy in Europe.

- And are we gonna win the World Cup? - Yeah!

- The Irish?! Surely some mistake!

♪ They've got cars big as bars, they've got rivers of gold ♪

♪ But the wind goes right through you It's no place for the old ♪

♪ When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas Eve ♪

♪ You promised me Broadway was waiting for me ♪

- ♪ You were handsome ♪ - ♪ You were pretty! ♪

♪ Queen of New York City ♪

♪ When the band finished playing they howled out for more ♪

♪ Sinatra was swinging, all the drunks they were singing ♪

♪ We kissed on the corner, then danced through the night ♪

♪ The boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay ♪

♪ And the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day ♪

- ♪ I could've been someone ♪ - ♪ Well, so could anyone ♪

♪ You took my dreams from me... ♪

Yeah, I'm gonna try a flip!

Hello, Eddie, er...

Aaargh!

I hope it's all going to plan out there in Saipan.

I'm sure the Football Association have everything in hand.

Oh!

Ahh...

Oh, shit!

All right?

Cheers.

Roy Keane making headlines again today,

- missing a crucial warm-up game. - It wasn't a warm-up game.

It was a pointless testimonial for Niall Quinn.

- Should Roy Keane have shown up? - Should Keane have shown up?

- Of course he should always play... - I was injured.

He played three days ago for United!

- Fuck! - That's where his priority is.

McCarthy had made no comment to the press.

Why didn't he kill the story? I mean, 'We told Roy, who was injured,

to rest and spend time with his family."

- That's all he had to say. - They wouldn't have sold any tickets

if they announced you weren't playing, so...

- Why is that my fault? - Yeah.

We're sending them to the place that launched the nuclear bomb?

Nuclear bomb? That's ominous.

The headlines... all about Roy Keane.

I don't know why the press is trying to drive a wedge

- between me and Roy, you know? - No, I don't know either.

- I invited them on the plane. - Yeah.

- To make them feel part of it. - I know!

And they go and print a load of bloody rubbish.

And why would you try and sabotage your own country?

- I don't get it. - I don't either.

Maybe it'll bring you all closer together.

I doubt it. What makes him a great player on the pitch

makes him a pain in the arse off it.

All we have is ham and coleslaw,

or beef and horseradish.

Why don't people make plain sandwiches?

- Rightly so. - Has the world gone fucking mad?

Don't listen to it.

A diplomatic mission is underway to India and Pakistan.

Do you want a special word?

What's a special word?

My mum used to give me a special word when I'd go out.

And then if I called her and I used it,

she knew she had to come pick me up.

Batt-burger.

It's not Batty-burger, it's Battenberg.

- Right, Battenberg. - Okay.

I was 28 years old when I last wore this.

It's got mud on it though.

That, that's mud from the 1990 World Cup.

Yeah. And, uh, guess who committed more fouls

than anyone else in the tournament?

- Was it you? - You're looking at him.

You can't wear that. It's dirty.

It's the dirt that makes it valuable.

- It's the whole point. - I'm gonna wash it.

- No, you're not! - What would you do if I washed it?

Well, you'd be dealt with.

Team photo, Mick!

- I haven't finished with you, missus. - Oh!

Are you managing me now?

Well, you know, some people are unmanageable, aren't they?

- Hiya, Mum!

A little home video for ya. There's the bus, look.

Here come the boys, feeling good.

Who ordered the fucking limo?!

It's the Football Association!

Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete!

Where are ya? Here's your communion money, boy!

All right, boys! All set for the big trip, huh?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Haven't been on a plane before, huh?

Hey, Staunton, have ya got your suncream?

Lee Carsley looking fit.

We're on our way! We're on our way!

Quinny!

All right, Robbie?

- All right, Grandad? - Decided to join us, eh?

Roy! Huh? Feeling good?

Grand, yeah. Thanks for not killing that Quinn story.

- All right? - Hello, Roy.

- All right, lads? - All right, Roy?

What's happening, Roy?

- Starts here, yeah? - Come on!

The work starts now, yeah?

- Yes, Roy. - Come on!

Don't forget when you get to the airport,

there's gonna be a lot of press there, so best foot forward.

You're representing your country, our country,

and, uh, don't forget you get the sendoff you deserve.

We're not Premiership prima donnas,

we're not Italian models with the hair gel.

We can't be, we're Irish.

♪ Come on you boys in green! ♪

Travelling with the press? Are you joking me?

♪ Come on you boys in green! ♪

Did I wake you?

Uh... yeah.

Can I have a word?

Yeah.

When I was a young footballer they were training us to be athletes.

Now we're athletes, they're training athletes to be footballers.

Do you know what I mean?

Now the game's changed.

Oh, undoubtedly.

And we need to be prepared.

There's no use having a stopover in Saipan

if it's gonna have a bad effect on the lads.

Why would it have a bad effect?

Well, we're travelling for over a day, for a start.

I mean, that... that airport nonsense was chaos.

There's no need for that, Mick.

Humility is important, Roy.

When I was captain, Big Jack would always tell me...

Right, Big Jack? Big Jack was an English fella

who liked to pat Irish lads on the head.

People like to know they can shake hands

with any member of the Irish...

I think people want to watch us win football matches, Mick.

We're going to the World Cup. We need to be prepared, right?

We need proper, proper training facilities,

proper food, the best of everything.

We're going out there to work, aren't we?

And to acclimatise, you know?

We... We need to prepare for a long war.

- You lads have had tough seasons. - So has the rest of the world.

You think the Brazilians are putting their feet up?

No one's gonna be putting their feet up.

No one, Roy.

This is gonna be a fucking bollocks.

Hurry up, lovebirds!

Hi, Macca.

This is Saipan, base camp for the Republic of Ireland

for the next five days.

Situated halfway between Japan and Australia is home

for the Republic of Ireland football team this week.

The Irish football squad rolled into town.

The fight for Saipan was one of the toughest

of the Pacific War. It was from here in August 1944

the Enola Gay took off carrying the atomic bomb to Hiroshima.

Saipan is now part of the American Commonwealth

and a popular holiday and honeymoon destination.

There's plenty of sand and sea, but it's the heat and humidity

which interests the Irish.

Gives the players a chance to retune their body clock

to the Asian Pacific time zone.

As they attempt to acclimatise ahead of the World Cup,

which starts in less than two weeks.

Here they come, here they come!

♪ Take your passion! ♪

♪ And make it happen ♪

No, no, no head.

Jesus, no head. Oh, my God!

Fucking hell.

Wish us luck, big man.

Fucking hell.

All right, that's great.

Thank you.

It's eggs on toast, lads.

All right, Macca?

- All right. - Boyzone in town, are they?

Should you and the lads maybe take a look at what you wear

when you come out of your rooms?

Presentation, you know, projection of being united.

I wish we were United.

At Sunderland.

Wish we were Manchester United at Sunderland.

I got the joke.

All right!

Buffet selection not up to United standards, Roy?

What, you think the Portuguese are eating cheese sandwiches?

Congratulations! You look beautiful.

So what are you guys here for?

Can I join you?

Hm? Yeah, no bother.

Don't you like playing golf?

I'm here for the World Cup, not golf, Stephen.

World Cup chances don't come round too often, you know.

Some players go through their whole careers not getting to play.

George Best.

Never played in a World Cup.

You're lucky.

Being so young.

I've got two books. Didn't bring them.

Yeah, my girlfriend said she judged me by having them

by my bed and nearly didn't get a second date, but...

- Fancy a swim, Stephen? - Yeah, all right.

Go on then.

I'll watch your stuff.

Fine, thanks, Roy. How are you?

What's the story? It's supposed to start at seven, no?

It's about two minutes past seven, Roy.

Right, grand. Two more minutes.

If it's not started, I'm going back to my room.

- Good for you. - Okay, here we go, lads.

Lads... lads, lads! A bit of hush.

Now, a lot of you know me, but for those that don't,

my name's Dickie Moloney and I'm the head of the Football Association

and I'm the man that pays your wages.

- Yeah? - What fucking wages?

And I'd like to formally welcome you all to Saipan.

There you go, Mick. It's all yours.

Um... there's been a bit of an issue.

Uh, I, I've been promised some things

that haven't been delivered, so I've been let down.

And you've been let down, but I sent out

for some more Nivea and Lucozade.

I'm aware that the pitch is poor,

but, uh... we're not doing patterns of play.

It's perfectly adequate for running, closing down,

and five-a-sides - once they deliver the footballs.

Anyone who wants to have a whinge, go ahead.

Okay, good news is the golf course is giving us free passes.

If this is day one, what chance have we got?

You're a bit overdressed.

I've seen the pitch, Mick.

Okay.

So have I, it's not great but... it'll do for what we need.

Since when have we needed a rockery?

Seriously, you're asking lads to risk injuring themselves in it.

Why? I should have spoke up during the meeting.

It's day one, Roy. Relax.

We don't have the kits. We don't have the drinks.

We don't have the suncream. We don't have footballs.

We're just doing drills. We can manage without that stuff.

Without footballs?

It'd be better if we had footballs. I've been let down.

It's not just that though, it's the fucking...

It's the hotel. Have you seen the catering? The catering's a joke.

It's not The Ritz.

It's not The Ritz! It's not even school dinners.

These things should have been ironed out. It's...

It's not good enough, Mick. It's not.

Do you want to move rooms?

We're here to work and things are stopping us.

If I can get some of the lads to move around,

do you still want to be on your own, unless you want company?

No.

You talk to Fergie like this?

I let him know how I feel, yeah.

I'm delighted to be chatting live this morning

with Mick McCarthy in Saipan, where Irish preparations

for the World Cup are in full swing. Thanks for joining us,

Mick, I know it's late over there. How are things?

Great, yeah, all the better for knowing a few pennies

will be going to charity, for you having played my record.

Well, thank you for insisting.

Now, we've got lots of callers so let's go straight to the lines.

Hello, Mick. Do we have any injuries?

Why did Roy not play in Tehran?

Hello, do you think we can win the World Cup?

What do you think of the Germans, Mick?

Is Damien Duff single?

Some people say it's not the Republic of Ireland you manage,

it's the Republic of Roy Keane.

Well, some people can bugger off!

Mick, don't bloody swear.

You played for Ireland. Some say in one of the best teams we had.

Couldn't agree more and, uh...

It's Big Jack that got us started.

Yeah, but you're English and so was Jack.

Well spotted, but I played for Ireland for eight years, not 18 months.

You're not Irish, neither was Jack.

We shouldn't have a plastic Paddy leading our national team.

Would you say to all the sons and daughters

of all the Irish men and women who had to leave the country

they loved to find work, would you tell them

they're not Irish? I wouldn't do that.

Because I'm one of them. I'll tell you,

my mother-in-law, an 80 year old

from the Curragh in Kildare, she said,

"There are men from Ireland and then there are Irish men,"

and that's the way it is.

What's the weather like over there?

Wanted to say no hard feelings about your charity thing.

- No, all good, Roy. All good. - I'll make a donation, yeah.

- You don't have to do that. - It's fine.

- Yeah, yeah. - Thanks.

Yeah, just there.

Look, I'm sorry the papers were harsh.

I don't read them. Yeah, like that.

You all right with how the preparations are going?

Give it time.

Or at least a few days until you start giving them hell.

You say I give them hell, I'm just telling the truth.

It's not my fault if people think that's hell.

Cheers, dear.

We should be prepared. That's controversial, is it?

We'll be grand.

If the captain can't speak up for the lads, who will?

- The lads are good, Roy. - Yeah, are they?

♪ Sweet seduction in a magazine ♪

♪ Endless pleasure in a limousine ♪

♪ In the back, shakes a tambourine ♪

♪ Nicotine from a silver screen ♪

♪ Sweet seduction in a magazine ♪

♪ Endless pleasure in a limousine ♪

♪ In the back, shakes a tambourine ♪

♪ Nicotine from a silver screen ♪

♪ Sweet seduction in a magazine ♪

♪ Nicotine from a silver screen ♪

The England team prepares to leave for South Korea

in a few hours' time.

David Eades, who's already there, reports

on the meticulous preparations for their arrival.

When England arrived, a 24 hour patrol begins.

With perhaps the highest profile players

in the world at this moment, the Beckhams and the Owens,

we owe them the best that we can possibly produce,

and that's what they'll get.

These young fans are waiting for a glimpse of one man.

Beckham! Beckham! Beckham!

He's back in training with the squad after breaking a bone in his foot,

and the captain's striving, albeit gently, for full fitness.

Hello.

Roy, it's the middle of the night.

Kids are sleeping.

Is it?

Yes, it is. What's wrong?

Battenburger.

Already?

Joking.

Did you book match tickets?

Yeah, and flights for half your family,

thanks for leaving me with that.

I'll call you back in the morning, all right?

Your morning or my morning?

I'm sleeping. Go away!

Bye.

- Love you, bye.

Checked into Fawlty Towers, have we?

How're you, Roy? Not a chance, I said.

Sure, she's left handed!

If my wife rings the hotel, can you get them to direct it to your phone?

Uh, yes, Roy... probably.

Not a problem, Roy. Eddie, get yourself back to the hotel

and let them know.

How is it, Roy?

Not too hot for you, no?

Ah, feeling a bit of sunstroke, but we've got a bit of pop,

so should be grand in a minute.

When did we qualify, Dicky?

Eh?

When did we qualify?

November.

How many of you are there?

Not one of you can ring up and get them to maybe water the pitch, no?

We assumed you didn't need the pitch.

You don't have footballs.

Are you joking me?

Seriously?

- This is the best you can do, is it? - Come on, Roy.

- No, this is unprofessional. - Come on, Roy. Come on!

What the fuck was that about?

On your toes, keep going, keep going!

- What's happening, Quinny? - How much of the conversation did you get?

Gillian can't hear any of this!

Burn the tape!

It's all on Candid Camera, big boy!

Come on, Ireland!

And they're telling us we're all going to win the World Cup.

Olé! Olé, olé, olé!

Olé!

Olé!

Give us a kiss!

- Taken? - No, go ahead.

Sorry for whinging. I know, I'm spoiled at United.

Well... uh...

- New kit looks good on you. - What?

The new... the new uniform looks good on you.

Right, uh, cheers, yeah.

Thought the lads would appreciate us sitting together.

Oh, cheers.

Thank you.

We've hired a banana boat.

Oh, we don't need to do small talk.

Well, that's it, lads, that's it. Bring it in.

I know I'm always going on.

- We know, Roy! - Yeah.

But it's for a reason.

I want us to be winners,

And we can be, yeah?

Despite what they all say about us,

despite what they all think about us, we're ready.

- We're fucking ready! - We are ready.

That's it lads, come on!

You'll be all right, it's not as bad as it looks.

Let's go.

Hi! We'll put a bit of urgency into this one, will we?

- Where are they going? - Time off.

Time off? What for?

- They're tired. - We're all tired.

Mick!

Why aren't we having keepers if we're playing a game?

It's Liam's session.

I don't care whose session it is. Said we were here to work,

so why are they fucking off and not putting a decent effort in?

- What you got a problem with, Roy? - What I've got a problem?

- I got a problem with you. - Ah, come on, Roy.

Could you not get in goal for a game maybe?

- We worked fucking hard this morning. - You worked hard!

- Yeah! - One hour!

- That's what was agreed. - You're at the World Cup!

You expect to fucking work hard. Do you want a medal for that?

- All right, Roy, take it easy. - You'll be working as hard

- on the golf course this afternoon? - Easy, Roy!

- Take it easy, Roy. - Take it easy?

A bit of R n' R.

Fucking hell.

I'm fucking done. This is insanity.

Roy!

We're playing on an assault course.

He's just cut his knee open and now we're playing

a game of football without keepers.

What a load of fucking bollocks.

Shit!

A report on a website gave an indication

of the first rumblings of discontent

from the Irish captain, Roy Keane.

Unhappy with the fact that the squad's three goalkeepers,

Shay Given, Alan Kelly and Dean Kiely,

were not taking part in the seven-a-side...

Packie Bonner... kept cursing and swearing.

If you're going to be compared with the best in the world...

Harmony and relaxed atmosphere,

which has been evident in the Irish camp,

has for the moment been delivered a massive blow.

Is this happening with the other top teams around,

you know, and the answer is no!

The influence he has on this Irish team is probably

a greater influence than any other player has ever had.

And we've had a lot of great players over the years.

This wasn't happening with the French squad.

Why is it always us?

But it just managed to exacerbate things

in Roy Keane's mind.

He's a perfectionist. He wants things one way.

He doesn't suffer fools, or go along

with the bullshit in the game.

This man has held the country to ransom

for the last 10 years.

He has got some problems.

Staunton, people like that...

Hi, it's me...

- All right? - Yeah, all right. Can I have a word?

- Can I grab a shower first? - No, it won't take long.

Uh, is it about the, is it about the goalkeepers?

I mean, because that was Liam's session.

Yeah... no.

You're the manager, not him.

I'm trying my best, Roy.

You shouldn't be trying your best. You should be saying, how do I get better?

I'm struggling.

So Roy struggles...

and walks away from a training session,

and the rest of the lads have to deal with the fallout.

I want to go home.

You want to go home.

It's nothing personal. It's just me. I've had enough.

You can't go home.

- What am I supposed to say? - What are you supposed to say?!

I... I don't know. Fuck it!

Do you know, say whatever, say personal problems.

What's going on? Is this true?

Colin, Mick McCarthy.

How do you fancy packing your bags, uh, for the World Cup?

Colin?

- Colin Healy?! Oh, Jesus! - Yeah.

Fuck!

No, no, no, no, no. He can't go home.

We are fucked if he goes.

No, we're not. Roy Keane is not the whole team.

Then why did you plan the whole team around him?

He'll call you back.

- Excuse me. - He can't leave. Okay?

We should have given him the choice just to meet up in Japan.

Avoid this shit show.

- What are you doing, Roy? - I don't know.

Okay.

They're fucking it up.

- Well, talk to them. - Why, they don't listen.

It's your World Cup, Roy.

You need to manage this.

I was trying to manage it.

You think it's me the fans will blame?

Roy Keane is not going home.

Hmm?

And if he does... it's on you.

That's all sorted for tomorrow, boss.

- What is? - The banana boat.

Yeah, it's not my fault. It's not my fault, right.

Stop looking at me. I don't know.

- He's going to leave? - No!

He's not going to leave.

Bollocks, I'm shit, shit at my job!

Roy says he wants you to come and talk.

He knows where to find us.

I presume you've not called me up here

for my spectacular small talk.

Have you changed your mind?

I thought I should wait until after the tournament.

- For what? - Mick...

Hang on a minute!

People are always treading round on eggshells in front of him.

I don't ask them to do that, so.

I've spent the last two hours ripping up months of plans

- and starting over. - Lads...

How do I know...

you're not going to decide to walk tomorrow?

- Cos I said I'd stay! - I've had to call Colin Healy...

Okay, leave it! I mean, you've Colin Healy. I'll go home.

- Ah, Roy, come on. - This is embarrassing.

What are we doing? I can tell by your body language,

you're happy with your decision. You don't want me here.

Roy... Roy. What do you want me to do? Are you asking

to come back or are you wanting me to beg you?

You're the manager, yeah? You make the decision, Mick.

- You're unmanageable! - No, it's you that can't manage!

That's the problem, Mick.

Do you want to play?

That's management for you!

Hey, you've got a country depending on you.

I didn't ask for that.

Here! I'm not the one letting the country down.

- Will you have another? - Thanks, no.

What's the deal with Roy?

You want me to give you the scoop, do you?

Did you fight for him to stay?

Is it easier if he goes?

I'm off duty.

So am I.

Off the record, you might want to ask him

if he fought to stay.

Welcome back, folks, and I've got some news for you.

Trust me, Roy Keane is gone.

I have a text message from Jane Doe, who describes herself

as a friend of someone in the know, and she says,

that in the past few hours, he's decided to pack up and leave.

We're joined again by Tony O'Donoghue,

who I understand is now on video phone. Tony, can you hear us?

Hello, Eileen, I'm here.

It's been more than 24 hours since the sporting earthquake

shook the nation. The story is gripping the airwaves,

the front pages, and even the internet.

What do you think of this... the whole Roy Keane business?

I think it's a disgrace. I think it's really terrible.

We don't know what's happening with Roy,

we don't know if he's distracted. Does he feel wanted?

If he didn't care, he wouldn't explode the way he does.

Roy Keane is also a problem.

He's such a professional.

Eamonn, good afternoon. What's your reaction

to all these shenanigans in Saipan?

This story, it seems to have everything.

Everybody was watching each other,

press are watching the players, players watching the press.

Everybody is awaiting developments.

Gaffer.

Hi there, Roy, so what's happening?

It's a total shitshow.

I know. I know, but you need to think about your family.

They'll support me.

Is Roy having an affair, Theresa?

They're the ones getting dragged through it back home.

Is Roy back on the booze?

What's a few more weeks? You can walk away a hero.

There are no heroes here.

And Tony, what to update have you got for us?

Well, it seems that Roy Keane won't quite be going home yet

because there's no flight out of Saipan this evening.

Hey, sir! Excuse me, sir.

Yeah, you need to pay for using the bed.

There he is.

He wants to stay.

Fergie called him.

- I've sent the fax. - What fax?

The squad lists to FIFA before the deadline

- without Roy's name on it. - Yeah...

They thought it was a mistake, so they called to check.

Now, shall we get back to playing a bit of football?

You revised the team sheet?

- Why didn't you ask me? - Ask you what?

Come on.

He wants to stay.

I mean, Fergie can control him.

He has been playing amazing football in Manchester,

so why can't you just get him to play

half-decent football for two weeks?

Let's just put it behind us.

Just go and talk to him.

Good morning.

Uh, just to clear some things up!

Roy said he had personal problems,

but he's changed his mind and he's going to stay.

So that's an end to it and, uh... we move on.

What are the personal problems?

Roy Keane and controversy have been fellow travellers

for most of his professional career.

Having threatened to leave the squad, he was persuaded

to change his mind by, among others,

his Manchester United manager, Alex Ferguson.

Well, a lot of people say, you know, it's typical of Roy

and Roy should really shut up, but, uh, I can't.

I can't, no, especially if I'm captain of the team.

We, uh, we come over here, we travel halfway across the world

and the training pitch is a disgrace.

Somebody's got, somebody's got to hold that up and say

it's like training in a car park. It's bloody rock hard.

We've had one or two injuries already and I expect a few more.

As I said, you know, all I want is what's best for the team

and, uh...

If that's a crime, well then, I'm guilty.

I'm mature enough and, uh, I'm experienced enough

that what's happened in the last few days is, uh, is history.

You know, get on with it and, uh,

come the first match against Cameroon, that's where my head will be

and with the rest of the team. No doubt about that.

You coming down for brekkie?

All right.

Yeah, I just wanted to check if you're all right.

Oh, cheers, nice one.

Is there something wrong, Roy?

Poor effort... Okay. Cheers.

- Go on, eat up, mate! - D'ya know, you're all right.

♪ This is the one ♪

♪ This is the one we're waiting for ♪

♪ This is the one ♪

Roy Keane trained with the Republic of Ireland squad today

without incident. Keane told the press

that the saga over his walkout and return to the camp

was over and done with.

He also tried to put the issue behind him by saying,

"I get like that sometimes."

Bit of a long night last night.

Dark, dark night of the soul and all that.

But we're here to play football,

that's all that matters.

My wife taught me this, I think it's quite good.

Uh, grant me the serenity

to accept that which cannot be changed.

Uh, the courage to,

uh, to tell what can be changed,

and the wisdom to know the one from the other.

It's good. You've got to think about it.

Yeah.

Right, with that in mind, boys, have a good session.

Let's put it in, okay? Come on.

I should make an apology

on behalf of my knucklehead colleagues.

I doubt you're any different.

Try me.

Anything you want to get off your chest?

We wouldn't publish it until after the tournament.

Okay.

It's done and dusted.

We'll leave for Japan tomorrow, uh, ready to compete.

What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger.

That's what Nietzsche said, isn't it?

See you all in Japan.

Battenburger.

It's Battenberg.

Is it?

This is a bit of a mess, Roy.

Yeah.

Is everyone all right? Are the kids okay?

No, they're fine, we've ordered takeaway pizza again, so...

Your brothers want to talk to you.

They're going to be coming out tonight.

You need to learn to keep your mouth shut.

Here you are.

Write an apology.

What do I put?

Sorry.

Add to it!

Add what?

I dunno, draw a unicorn.

And a rainbow.

Go on!

The gaffers asked for a team meeting, Roy.

- Are you still in charge? - I don't know.

Look, love, football is not who you are,

it's just what you do, okay?

Remember that. Anyway, the fence needs painting.

Does it, is it flaking off the post as well?

Yeah.

I was thinking of repainting it anyway.

Ronseal have got some nice new colours out, you know,

- pastel shades. - Yeah.

It might look nice in a sort of eggshell blue.

Well, you'll know what to do.

You always do.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh!

Are you ready?

All right, lads. Take your seats, take your seats.

Thanks very much, folks, yeah. A bit of hush.

All right, just a bit of quiet. Take a seat.

Gaffer needs a word. Uh, can we lower that down, can we?

So... it's fine. I'll just...

get it started. Um...

Okay, so the bus leaves at eight o'clock in the morning.

Make sure your bags are packed and tagged before breakfast.

Something's come up.

Um...

Roy, do you want to say anything?

Why aren't we having this conversation in private?

Unfortunately, you've made it very public.

A lot of the, uh, things you've said in this interview,

I and, um...

no doubt some of the lads would rather

- you'd have said in private. - I've said it in private too.

I stand by it.

"Fail to prepare, prepare to fail."

"From day one, it has been negative,

and that's not only my opinion,

all the players are feeling the same."

Yeah, I'm the captain. I speak up for the players. That's my job.

Right, and you all feel the same, do you?

Speak up, lads. Now's your chance.

No, Mick.

No.

You're putting people on the spot.

No, I'm asking others

if they feel it's been negative.

I wouldn't take too much notice of what McAteer says.

He has a big mouth.

You're taken it out of context. I mean...

They said they were publishing after the tournament.

You still said it.

And I stand by it. It's done... it's done!

Don't suppose there's any chance of an apology?

Don't have anything to apologise for.

And the lads can read what I said for themselves.

There's nothing wrong with it.

You know, if there was a World Cup...

for self-sabotage, you would have won it multiple times.

Other... people... matter.

We can't all be Roy Keane.

Why weren't you at Quinn's testimonial?

I told you I wasn't playing.

Oh, I must have missed that phone call.

So hold on. You knew, Quinn knew.

I spent time with my family and I got treatment for an injury,

no issue.

Everyone else turned up,

except you.

Good for everyone else.

What about Iran?

What about it? I was injured.

Were you?

You fucking wanker.

Go fuck yourself.

Roy... take it easy!

You fucking twat.

Are you for real? Sorry, do you call this little setup

you got going on here man-management?

- Roy! - You're a wanker.

You're a wanker, and you're chief wanker of this... this kangaroo court.

What do you expect me to say to that?

- I didn't fake an injury, wanker. - That's enough.

No, no, sit down. This is a private meeting amongst grown men.

- I'll speak however much I fucking like. - Cool it, Roy!

You had a deal with my gaffer.

I'd been out three weeks - fake fucking injury?!

That's slow even for you.

I put my body on the line every time I go into battle

and you question that.

You question my loyalty to my country in front of the lads?

- Roy, you're out of order. - No, no, no, he's out of order. Sit down!

If you're not speaking up, then shut up.

I am speaking up. You're out of order.

He's out of order. He's the one telling lies.

Oh, I can take criticism. That's just a fucking lie!

One of a million lies. We train an hour a day -

three hours, you said. Lie.

And on a rock hard pitch, "Oh, the pitch is fine."

Lie. You're a fucking liar.

We would have been safer in the hotel car park.

Seriously, what? No footballs, no suncream,

no kits, no water bottles...

At a World Cup finals?

Are you for real?

Fucking hell.

Do you want to know why everyone loves the Irish?

Because we're no threat.

We're a fucking piss-take. You fucked up.

You can't cope with the big time, you never could.

And now, what, you want me to apologise to you?

You want me to apologise for telling the truth?

I'll tell you the fucking truth.

Do you want to hear the truth?

You're a bad joke.

You're a bad joke, and you're not even Irish.

- You're fucking English. - Don't question...

Don't question my Irishness!

I'm hearing another Englishman tell an Irishman what to do.

- I'm as Irish as you are. - You are, are you?

You don't sound it.

When I played for our country,

I did so as a team member.

I play for my country, in spite of you.

I hate playing for you. I've never played for you.

I joined up late so I don't have to see you.

I didn't rate you as a player. I don't rate you as a manager

and...

- I don't rate you as a person. - Roy!

All the years, getting the piss taken out of ourselves

in English dressing rooms. "Oh, don't mind us, we're only Irish."

Look at this shit

of an effort you've managed. Oh, fucking pizzas, is it?

Have a laugh, lads, go on, have a jolly!

Give it a go, give it a lash, you might win a game,

might not, who cares?

I mean, why are you managing my country?

You useless fucking cunt.

Seriously, why were you allowed to wear the fucking jersey?

- All right, I think we're done. - We're done?

No, we're not done. I'm just getting started.

I was 16, I just failed a trial, and he was there.

He was on the sideline and you were laughing with your mates

like a fucking king. You don't you ever tell me

we're done, all right? You got subbed off for me

in your last game, and guess what? No one gave a fuck.

And now, now, you fucked this one up again.

This has been shambles after shambles, a fuck up

from the start, and now you're looking for an exit strategy.

You can say, well, Roy Keane went home.

Fuck you, look at you standing there like a moron.

You're a fucking wanker,

and you can stick your World Cup up your arse.

I quit. You can shove it up your bollocks.

You're not leaving, I'm sending you home.

We had a meeting.

Where anybody, certainly Roy...

was asked to make comments

rationally and logically.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

Uh, and it descended into a bit of a slanging match.

I cannot and will not tolerate

being spoken to with the level of abuse he directed at me,

so I sent him home.

What happened in the room?

I've never seen anything like it in my life.

Uh...

You know, there is a line.

Uh, and you can't cross it.

And Roy has crossed it.

Niall, have you anything to add?

I'll say goodbye to Roy and I'll wish him well,

uh, but my priority now is

to show allegiance to Mick and to the team.

Yeah, he's your captain, Mick!

Can you tell us how you're feeling at the moment?

I feel, uh, feel very good.

Clear conscience, and I'm happy to be going home,

happy to be seeing my family.

- Any regrets at all? - No regrets.

Not even about playing in the World Cup?

There's more important things to worry about.

It's been a very tough week. How are you feeling right now?

Good to be going home.

So what's your plans from here?

Get my flight.

♪ You got a lotta nerve ♪

♪ To say you are my friend ♪

Roy Keane, a man who apparently doesn't much like

people making Irish jokes, was given his marching orders today

for being a disruptive influence.

Ireland's hopes have been shattered...

The Washington Post, the headline reads,

"Keane makes pained appeal."

Die Welt says, "The Irish throw Captain Keane overboard."

The headline read, "Roy remains defiant."

The Pakistani Daily, an Indian daily,

they managed not to write about the impending nuclear war

and instead went with the Roy Keane story.

We should have the same standards

and set the same standards for ourselves as the Germans,

the Italians, the French and the English.

For too long, Irish people have been going

to major championships and we're the cabaret act!

And we sing the songs and we drink the drink

and then we go home early.

But all he's ensured is that you are the cabaret.

Keano!

Roy should be reinstated. He's done nothing wrong.

If that's the way he's going to act, better off without him.

Do you think that Roy should apologise?

No! No! No!

He should obey the rules and regulations.

- He got us to the World Cup. - He goes on like a spoiled child.

Yeah, I feel he's let down his country.

Behind the scenes, efforts continue

to see if there's any way of sorting out the situation

from which all sides are currently on course to lose.

There's still a glimmer of hope that Roy Keane

could yet play for Ireland in the World Cup.

Everyone in the country, from the Taoiseach down,

would love to see this resolved.

There's a huge, huge public interest in this.

It would be just great if it can be reconciled.

This evening, in his first major television interview

since his dismissal, Roy Keane speaks about the events

which led to his departure from Ireland's World Cup squad.

I'm trying to live my life as honestly as I can and...

you know, my gut feeling is,

I'm right, you know, what happened to me was wrong.

How about Mick McCarthy?

There's a view in Ireland that he's an honest man,

that he's a decent man, that as a footballer,

he always did his best.

Nah, Mick obviously had a very good career and y'know,

he done very well for Ireland.

Like a lot of other players.

I think he was at fault.

But that's my opinion, you know, and of course football

is all about opinions. That's why it's such a great game.

That's why you get people in the pubs, everywhere you go,

taxi drivers... It's all about opinions.

I know that and I accept it.

I'm entitled to my opinion.

Roy, there are signs up in shops,

"Come back, Roy. We want Roy Keane."

And what about the sense of wrong to those poor people

who follow Ireland, who love you?

What about the sense of confusion they feel

that you guys can't sort this out as adults?

Are you willing to meet them halfway?

We'd have to see, d'you know?

The match is Saturday. We're running out of time.

A private jet is said to be on standby at Manchester Airport,

fuelled up and ready to take the Ireland star back to Japan.

Hello.

Roy? It's Mick.

Mick...

Mick McCarthy.

Yeah.

Do you want to come and play?

Do I want to play for you?

Do you want to play for Ireland?

I think we're...

I think we're past that now, aren't we?

Is that a no?

Yes.

- Yes, it's a no. - Yes... It's a no, right.

Well, I asked.

Yeah.

He's cut back for Patrick Mboma.

♪ Did you know, I can claim the dreamer from the dream? ♪

♪ Make you feel everything you've never even seen ♪

♪ Yeah, it's been a long, a long, a long, a long, a long-long ♪

♪ You were my favourite for a long time ♪

♪ Stitch and fall The faces rearranged ♪

- ♪ You will see ♪

♪ Beauty give way to something strange ♪

♪ Yeah, it's been a long, a long, a long, a long, a long-long ♪

♪ You were my favourite for a long time ♪

♪ Well, look who's just the newest clown ♪

♪ 35 hours coming down... ♪

♪ It's a cry far from bed radios ♪

♪ And days spent playing football indoors ♪

♪ When they painted town with Thatcher ♪

♪ And they never even wanted to know ya ♪

♪ Feel alone? ♪

It's all over.

♪ All the pieces lost forever ♪

♪ And all the pieces ♪

...and courage. And all of those lads can be proud.

And they almost did it. They almost did it.

♪ Cities on the side are often strange ♪

♪ Yeah, now... every time you blink you feel a change ♪

♪ And it's been a long, a long, a long, a long, long-long ♪

♪ You were my favourite for a while ♪

♪ Ah, it makes sense when you understand ♪

♪ The misery made me another marked man ♪

♪ And I'm always looking over my shoulder ♪

♪ And each new day, I get another year older ♪

♪ Shoulder bound to the frame of a door? ♪

♪ Chewed into shape like a stone on the shore... ♪

It's all about opinions and people said

I probably shouldn't have reacted the way I should,

but hindsight, of course, is a great thing.

But, uh, I'm human, and as I said,

I think I was forced into a corner.

There was only going to be one winner, and that was Mick, of course.

♪ You've been my favourite for a long time ♪

♪ You've been my favourite for a long time ♪

♪ You've been my favourite for a long time ♪

♪ You've been my favourite for a long time ♪

You cited personal reasons, um, as well as, uh,

injuries for making your original decision to leave.

- Do you want to tell us about those? - No.

He'd been having concerns about his knee

and, uh, some personal problems which are personal to him

and he has to go home.

People say, well, it's typical of Roy

and Roy should really shut up, but I can't.

♪ I know your leaving ♪

♪ It's too long overdue ♪

♪ For far too long I've had nothing new to show to you ♪

♪ Goodbye dry eyes ♪

♪ I watched your plane ♪

♪ Fade off west of the moon ♪

♪ And it felt so strange ♪

♪ To walk away alone ♪

♪ There's no regrets ♪

♪ No tears goodbye ♪

♪ I don't want you back ♪

♪ We'd only cry again ♪

♪ Say goodbye again ♪

♪ The hours that were yours ♪

♪ Echo like empty rooms ♪

♪ The thoughts we used to share ♪

♪ I now keep alone ♪

♪ I woke last night and spoke to you ♪

♪ Not thinking you were gone ♪

♪ And it felt so strange ♪

♪ To lie awake alone ♪

♪ There's no regrets ♪

♪ No tears goodbye ♪

♪ I don't want you back ♪

♪ We'd only cry again ♪

♪ Say goodbye again ♪

♪ Our friends are tryin' ♪

♪ To turn my nights to day ♪

♪ Strange faces in your place ♪

♪ Can't keep the ghosts away ♪

♪ Now just beyond the darkest hour ♪

♪ And just behind the dawn ♪

♪ It still feels so strange ♪

♪ To lead my life alone ♪

♪ There's no regrets ♪

♪ No tears goodbye ♪

♪ I don't want you back ♪

♪ We'd only cry again ♪

♪ Say goodbye again ♪