Original subtitles

So what shall we do?

You tell me, man.

60 quid.

60 quid? It's yours.

Oh, I don't know, you know. I'll have it delivered. It looks a bit old.

That's the whole idea of them.

My name is Henry Cole, and I'm a junkaholic.

Better get wheeling and dealing.

Together with me three mates, top restorers, Alan Milliard. Yes!

Guy Willison.

I'm like a coiled spring.

And Sam Lovegrove.

We've been rummaging our way through Britain's sheds. Wow.

Farm sales, auctions and jumbles for automotive treasures.

Oh, my Lord, look at that. To buy, do up. That's just lovely.

And sell on for a tidy profit.

75 quid. But it's time to take a look back at the best bits of our lives as

four junketeers. OK, that's enough of that.

Is indicating left.

Taking in the good. Now that is proper cool.

The bad and the ugly.

All for one. And one for all.

This is the Junk and Disorderly retrospective.

Junk and Disorderly.

Hey, well, welcome to another Junk and Disorderly Best Of.

And, as always, I'm joined by the Skiddler and Alan. I think you're in

well as physically here, are you, Al? Just about.

Yeah, great. OK, look, we've got a packed show coming up. Now, we are

this time, are we at Stratford?

Yes. I love that jumble. I think we did relatively well on that. But all I do

remember is that I went to Matt's lonesome -like, which is dangerous, down

probably one of the finest collections of automotive memorabilia in the UK.

Matt's main shed is automobilia heaven.

Cars.

Signs. Cans.

knick -knacks, all in concourse condition.

You said to me, I'm having a clear -out. Now, what kind of clear -out? I just

want really nice, high -end pieces.

I've got a lot of bits that I want to get rid of. Good. So you can have a good

look through and see if you spot anything you fancy.

Now, I do have a sneaking suspicion that Matt's cast -offs are going to be

better than my prized possessions, but there's only one way to find out.

Matt, so this.

It's the vitreitis.

So, look, that at the moment, that glyco jug, right, is at 85 quid. Yep.

40.

How about 45?

Go on then. Right, we're starting the action, right, at 45.

Time to extend my overdraft.

40. How about 60 pounds?

55. A fire extinguisher?

How about 20 quid?

How about 15?

Go on, then.

I am a kid in a sweet shop.

A lubricant gun.

60.

40.

50. I knew it was going to go that way.

A full motor oil can.

Could be a tenner.

Go on, then.

How about 25?

How about 20?

25, because you knocked me down on the last one.

I'm not right, then.

So that's £155 worth of trinkets, but I couldn't help noticing on the way in a

few petrol pumps in need of restoration.

How about this puppy?

Oh, wow, that's a lovely pump.

Is that blue etho?

Yeah, so there was etho blue paraffin, and this is a little etho blue paraffin

dispenser. It's beautiful.

How much is that?

Restored, £2 ,000, but as it sits...

£600?

£300?

£500 would be the bottom if you wanted it. But it's a very special pump.

£450?

It's got to be £500.

It's got to be. But look at it. It's lovely.

Oh. Come on, mate. John. All right. I think it's absolutely gorgeous. And I

Alan and Guy love that.

So I'm leaving with my wallet considerably lighter and the landy

heavier. All in all, my day trip to Matt's place has cost me over 1 ,200

But boy, has it been worth it.

1 ,200 quid. Look, I'm sorry I spent that. And you guys were nowhere to be

I always worry when you're solo.

Why? Well, partly because a fool and his money are easily parted. And you

sometimes come back with stuff, and I think, I look at Alan and go, what the

hell's he done here? Sorry, can I just interject? Forgive me, right? But I

I have quite good taste, right?

Well, you would, wouldn't you? Well, he's giving me a go, eh, Al? Because

got upper cylinder lubricant, beautiful thing.

We've got lots of signs.

And most especially, an SO Blue two -stroke oil dispenser answer.

Very cool, very cool. I have to tell you, right, Going to someone's, like

gaff, right?

Matt's got to be one of the best and most passionate collectors of automotive

media,

right? Probably in the world, actually.

It's like a museum, this place, isn't it? It's un...

It's amazing.

If it wasn't for people like him, it wouldn't be left there for future

generations. Because the key to restoration, isn't it, yeah, is what to

and what to leave.

And those decisions are what we had to make restoring all that stuff.

Let's have a look at the goods.

The fire extinguisher and the carburel lubricant gun are clean -up jobs.

But the big job is the paraffin dispenser.

I actually love the original patina on it. Yeah. But the interior here should

silver. Right. And this obviously should be the branded blue.

It should be straight. Oh, it's bent.

So I think we should start off by knocking some dents out.

Before he can do any panel beating, first we have to remove the bolts that

in the precious glass fuel measure.

Feels a bit springy. Yeah.

Is the head off?

But it ain't easy.

The bolts don't want to play ball and get stuck in the socket.

How do you do it?

Use the copper bit and move it a bit closer there.

OK.

I'll tell you what, if you do this and do it first time, I'm actually leaving

a thulk, okay?

All right? Yeah.

Perfect.

And Alan's got a plan for the dents.

I'm using a planishing hammer and a dolly. The dolly was just the force of

hammer. I hope it gets the dent out.

It's not long before the dents are a thing of the past.

Once he's done, Skid starts on the rust with a whizzy wheel, before eventually

we all retire to bed.

Next morning, we're all up bright and early to open up Henry's paint shop.

That's quality, mate. Aye, aye.

We're going to paint the mechanism, Etho Blue.

That's coming nice.

According to the textbook, metal parts always need priming. But you wouldn't

expect us three to follow orders.

I remember getting a little toy car from my dad.

First thing you do, under the box, pull out the instructions and throw that

away. Get the car out. You just work it out yourself.

And you?

Well, now I read the instructions, having had a lifetime of not reading

and wasted a lot of time.

All right, we'll let that dwell for a sec.

Shall we mask this off and then do the grey inside here?

Instead of silver, we've chosen battleship grey as a contrast to the sky

the glass measure.

The exterior of the casing we've decided to leave as is because we like the

patina.

Then we refit the dispenser.

Only issue is the new pump handle that yours truly fitted.

Can I just say there is a fundamental error here. What's wrong with that

picture, do you think?

Well, let me tell you the reason why the handle was stubby.

So I think we're going to put this down to a decorative item.

Then off comes the masking tape.

Down we go.

And up comes the cabinet.

Now Skid once made a living applying transfers and stickers.

And don't I know it.

That has to be vertical. If you get it wonky, it'll look awful.

So the thing to do, and I've got many years' experience doing this, if you put

vertical line down the middle, then when you're offering it up, because this is

the carrier that comes off, it being vertical, your eye will tell.

So I'm going to go and get a pencil.

You're to wait.

Let's get it on.

What did we say about following instructions?

What's that line?

You've got lines there. As long as they're in the middle, it'll be fine.

I can't believe this. I cannot find a ruler.

Where have you put it? Down the bottom drawer, bottom drawer.

I haven't concentrated this much since my O -level.

Find a ruler. I've found a straight -A file. Oh, well, thanks, mate. It's taken

ages. Yeah, great.

What do you reckon?

Well, I'm going to check now. I'm offended.

I wish you'd waited.

I mean, I think that's lovely. No -one's going to worry about that at all.

By the way, where is your ruler?

I haven't got one. Oh.

Now look, let's just talk about different ways of working, shall we? We

do.

I know you used to strike cars. Tell me about it. So I started off coachlining.

Yeah. And then I got into the graphics, the bigger ones, like stickers and

things. Yeah.

And, see, I had many years' experience, which is why, when you just slap them

on, it drives me insane. Because you've done all that work, the resto, the

linishing, the polishing, everything else. Last thing to go on is always the

sticker.

And you slap them on wonky. Don't blame just me.

He's in my court. In reality, they're stuck on wonky anyway. Not if they're

by me, they're not, Al. Can I just say, right, sometimes we've made the tea,

we've gone for a walk, we've taken jelly bean out, and you still haven't lined

up a sticker.

So Al and I sometimes take the decision that while you're not looking, we stick

a sticker on. You don't care, but to me it's a disaster.

Just for the side from those, right, you...

basically showed me up yet again.

With the spanner and the nut. With that, knocking out that nut.

Hand eye coordination, or a lack of it.

I panic when you've got a hammer.

You either break it, miss it. Yeah.

Well, all right, I mean, you know, sometimes I need a bit of practice.

You need to go for accuracy, a bit like the stickers.

That is true.

What do you think, Al? He's ever with a hammer. I run for cover when you've got

a hammer. That's so unfair.

I run for cover generally when he appears, do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean, Al? Hey, look, I normally have these little things that

I want to show you that I want to ask you. What makes this two -gallon can

expensive and very rare?

Well, look, not only is it a can for petrol, but it's also got its own oil

like that.

Can I ask a question?

What? Does it still hold two gallons of fuel?

Ask me one on sport.

Yes. I have no idea. Yes.

Well, look, normally a two -gallon little petrol can like this, right, will

retail a shell one like that, probably anything between 35 if you're lucky,

yeah, and 75 if you're not lucky.

Yeah. But if it is a duo can...

then you could be in the money for about 600, 700 quid. Now then, that brings us

on to our little auction we've got to go to. Yes.

Mainly because, right, we go to Matt, there's plenty of time, happy days, I'll

wander about and I'll spend 1 ,200 quid. With an auction, that's a whole

different ballgame. Yeah, it's a massively different ballgame. Okay,

this one. Now, if I remember rightly, we went to see James at H .J. Pugh's. Now,

I've got to tell you, there's some amazing stuff.

But you've got to pick through a huge amount of detritus.

This is day one of a two -day extravaganza, which happens every other

Feast your eyes, man. Today is the day for spare parts, trinket tree and other

accoutrement. Isn't it, Skid? Absolutely.

Now, the motorcycles are going tomorrow, but we don't want that because what

we're after is some lovely bits and bobs. Isn't that right?

Absolutely.

There's loads of stuff to peruse.

From engine parts.

Those mags could be good.

To frames.

If they have a V5 with them as well, you know, registration document to go with

them, then they're really useful because you can build a bike up from that.

To scooters.

that have been turned into sculptures.

Do you think that as a trinket might be quite good for someone?

To hang on the, well, shed wall. It'd look great, wouldn't it? Yeah.

The first thing that really takes my fancy, though, is this.

Now, you know how I love a race bike, right? A straight line sprinter.

This one is obviously a massive project. Look, photos of the actual bike

competing in the time trials in 1970.

I mean, it is a mega project for someone.

But at the same time, it's quite a cool thing, isn't it? It is.

Time now to move into the hall. And before I even sit down, I'm bidding.

C15574. I bought that, but it's an original.

And I think it's rather beautiful, don't you? I think that's lovely, yeah. From

1965? Yeah.

So a good start.

The thing I'm most interested in, though, is lot 160.

That sprint bike.

Last used in 1978, so it hasn't been worn out. Well, for that, then, £500

£500. No. £500, £100, I'm bitter. £100, £120, £150, £180, £200, £250,

£300. Oh, what's going on? £300, £320, £350. That is a bargain for someone.

£350, only £350, all sold.

No, no.

£380, £380.

Can I tell you something? What?

Partly, I think you're mad.

Yeah. But also...

I mean, surely the engine bits are worth that. Well, I don't know what engine

it's got in it. No, I don't either. But all I do know is that at a jumble, you

know, someone may pay 600 quid for it. Yeah. And it's a great project for that

money. Do you know what I mean? Alternatively, you can loosely assemble

hang it on the wall. I could.

I have to tell you, I never get bored of going to auctions. And that one

specifically.

Was the right... Such a shame you weren't there, Al. You would have

Yeah, you would have enjoyed it. It wasn't freezing cold either. I know, why

weren't you there?

I like a nice rummage. I think I was cutting my grass.

Also, he does actually sometimes phone in to say he wants to eat crisps today.

know, yes. Yeah, don't you?

Your favourite food.

Cheese and onion. Only cheese and onion. Anyway, I'm digressing, right?

Now, what's interesting about auctions is that when you go into someone like

Matt's shed, right, you've got plenty of time, chill out, but...

You turn up at the auction in the morning, don't we? Yeah. We have a quick

scurry around and there was a lot of detritus to skim through, wasn't there?

There was. Now, I've got to admit to you, I'm like a magpie, right?

When I'm confronted with all those trestle tables full of stuff, I go for

bright stuff.

But also, I think all of us do it.

If you're in that sort of, like, stress situation with time and you've got to

make a decision... Yeah.

Go for stuff you like. Then if you get caught with it, it's not a problem. And

with that thing we did buy, I'd only seen it from a distance on a pallet. And

didn't have Al, obviously, to tell us even what engine it had in it. No, I'd

have looked more closely at all the parts. Yeah, he would have. No, you

have done that, Al, because there wasn't the time.

Well, that's it. You've got to decide things quickly, haven't you, mate? Yeah,

and also remember the auction fees on top.

Oh, yeah. You don't have that when you're with Matt, do you? No, no, no.

do know, right, is we've got some stuff, lovely stuff, most especially stuff.

We've got ourselves a sprint bike.

Back at the shed, I show Alan what he missed.

Haven't we got some trinketry, Al? We certainly have. It's definitely stripped

down, what you can call this.

Have you had a look at the pictures of what it was like in the 70s? No, I

haven't seen that yet. I haven't got that far.

Oh, that's quite cool. It's definitely minimalistic, isn't it?

So look, to sort of tempt a punter, I think for 1 ,500 quid, why don't we just

perhaps just stick the fairing on the frame, perhaps just put some wheels in,

that'd be about it.

The rest of the stuff just needs a light wipe over, so we'll get on with the

sprint bike.

There are, I hasten to add, no instructions, but Alan's put more bikes

than I've had cold dinners, and that's plenty.

And as a little bonus, our petrol pump lamps all seem to work.

Number one.

This is two, what do you reckon? Very nice, very nice. Yeah, yeah, carry on.

And then before you do spannering,

Look at that. That's really nice as well.

Yeah.

Totally disinterested.

On goes the front wheel.

Oh, yes, mate.

The rear wheel.

And after a quick burst of compressed air, over it goes.

Oh, yes.

We put on the fairing.

And the rear end.

And after 20 minutes, we've got something much more saleable.

Can we just admire for a second?

Now it's really looking like something, isn't it? It is.

I know what you're going to do now. You're going to give me a hard time

of my restoration techniques is actually just a little bit simpler than yours.

It was looking for a 6 -volt transformer.

And I found it. Yeah. Yeah. And they did work, and you were highly excited.

Absolutely. Not worrying about the important thing in the room.

It's still good, though, because you've got something that works.

And I have to tell you, I think we're going to make some money out of them.

Yeah, yeah. Talking of money.

Yeah. Let's talk about that sprint bike and the restoration of it, which is

basically not restoration, but assembling it to display for sale.

Exactly. As it was, it was just on a pallet, jumbled up.

You could tell it was a sprint bike, but it looks very disheveled. You couldn't

see the good bits. No. So by simply assembling it so it can stand on its

it's a massive difference to having a frame lying on its side on the mud.

can't imagine it in one piece. No.

We bought it for £380, and we sold it after what, ostensibly, was as

much time as it took me to switch three Made on Tuesday lamps on. Yeah, yeah. We

got £1 ,000 for it, didn't we? Yeah, which is fantastic, and I think it's

to be put back together and used. Which is even better, mate. Which is

fantastic, from that dishevelled pile at the auction, and hopefully it's racing

now. Hey, look, so when we come back, I'm going to be adding to our stash for

the Stratford Auto Jumble, and also, you never know...

I might bring some biscuits.

Hey, well, welcome back. Now then, the most amazing news is Guy has furnished

with some biscuits. And I have to tell you, with me cup of scorch here, I do

love a dunkage. Hey, do you like... He's already dunking. Look, I can see him.

He's already dunked. He's been dunking throughout the whole of the break.

Makes it warm and smooth and nice to eat. Warm and smooth.

Well, you have to, to protect your false teeth so you don't hook them out.

So I wasn't expecting.

talking about biscuits to be accused of having false teeth, which is absolutely

right.

Hey, I'll tell you what, though. Do you dunk when you're having your highlights

done? That is quite enough, yeah.

Carry on.

When I go to a dinner or a hairdresser, I sometimes, if I'm very relaxed, take

my boots off. So here we go. There we are.

I am fully relaxed now. Yes. Look, I've got me mates, right? I've got some

scorch. I've got a biscuit. I've got me shoes off. What do we need? Well, some

more trinkets.

Oh, mate.

Fastback Mustang?

Yeah. Sixty -what? Eight? Sixty -four and a half. Sixty -four and a half? Call

it a sixty -five. Sixty -four.

What's that? 4 .2?

Yeah, that's a sixty -eight.

Series one and a half.

Now, there's no way I could ever afford one of these or the other cars in his

garage. But he does have some bikes and smaller items. And there's one thing

that might even be perfect for next weekend's jumble.

Am I right in saying that that is a Chinese version of a Honda monkey bike?

is. A Honda DAX?

Yeah. It's a Chinese one. Can we get it out?

Because I think you could find a punter quite happily.

Does it actually work?

Yeah, it does, but I think the battery's flat. It might start.

Well, I mean... The keys are in. But the battery's well flat.

OK, no, it doesn't. But at the same time, I'm sure it will. It does, yeah,

runs. It is amazing, these things, because they are so cheap.

I would give you 500 for it.

650.

600. Really?

Yep. Okay, mate. Now, you see, that is a beautiful deal. Why?

Because I bought it for a reasonable price, which means we could make a

bit of profit on it.

600 quid, mate. All right, baby.

It's very good, but one thing... What? Your vetting techniques for vehicles.

You know, the amount of times you've brought something back that looks like a

crusty heap and I've gone, is it seized?

Don't know. How difficult is it, when you're picking, to go up alongside it

just lean on the kickstart, you're not trying to start it.

Just be a big thief.

Yeah, all right, all right. These technical, you know, issues, etc., yeah,

something that I really am not too...

au fait with. Well, it's the fact that you don't have to deal with it when it

gets back here, so you don't care. I think that's what goes on. Okay, so

one way of looking at it. The reason why I don't check compression on every

single motorcycle... Because you haven't missed a milliard to fix it.

But it does mean you do get caught out occasionally.

Probably just looked at it and it's shiny.

Oh, don't be like that.

Magpie syndrome again, yeah. Well, it is the magpie syndrome, but you see, I

take a view that if it's new, I may acquire it without worrying about that

much, because I'm thinking, it's probably all right.

It has done. Are you ready for this?

115 miles from new.

It should be easy to get going then, shouldn't it? All you've got to do is

the battery, and then we're going to do a bit of a challenge.

Now, you might think for two of Britain's finest restorers, getting this

going would be a doddle, but our little monkey ain't quite top banana.

What's happened?

Electrical failure.

I say it was out.

The problem, it seems, is the ignition barrel.

That's the trouble. What? Go to contact. Go to contact.

There's a problem. The terminals are corroded. They've got green oxide on

Alan rubbed down the terminals with some coarse sandpaper.

That's it. We're there. Look.

Hey, look at that, man. So that's what to do, folks, if your connections don't

connect. Hey, but if you're my age, there's no hope anyway.

I inflate the rear tyre.

Alan and Skid, we assemble the ignition.

And then we give it a few drams of the amber nectar.

Then, get ready to start.

Let's try to kick the duck.

Uh -oh.

This thing is, I mean, honestly... We've either got a blocked pilot jet, or the

CDI ignition unit's not working, which is no common fault with these.

Right, blowtorch. Let's blowtorch. Here's your blowtorch.

Look at that, Sid.

The problem's the spark plug. But don't try this at home, folks, without goggles

and gloves.

Hey, can I just say, right, this morning, Alan went to the dentist.

Now, for me, for Guy, for everybody else at home, that's a nightmare, isn't it,

going to the dentist? It's something that I worry about.

Uh -uh, not Alan. Oh, no, he loves it. Don't you, Alan? I like going to the

dentist. It's a nice experience.

You do need to see someone.

How can you sleep at the dentist?

I know. I couldn't. It just bears out what I always thought, that he's made of

swarf.

Alan Milliard, a legend, a man who loves the dentist, and also can

fix the Skyteam Skymax Skyteam knock -off monkey bike. Eh?

Seeing as this is actually going now, I'm going to set...

A challenge to you both. Now, you do have to understand, this is my private

drive, OK?

All right, so we are not going on a public road.

But I want to see whether you can fit three on a monkey bay.

OK, so we're here. Lids on, right? This is the challenge.

We want to go down my drive, right? Three up.

I've never done this before.

Just before we sell Skymax Skyteam, Skymax Skyteam, we thought we might have

bit of a giggle. Now then, do we have to work out weights?

Who's going to wear the gloves to actually ride it?

Okay. Well, I don't want to ride it. I'm happy to go pillion somewhere.

Well, of course, there's two options of pillion. I know. Are you going to be the

meat in the sandwich?

Oh, I hope not.

Look at his face.

All right, let's talk about weight. Shouldn't the fattest go on the front?

Yeah. Yeah, well, that's you then. Right, that's that sorted. Hang on, we

haven't even... Yeah, you're probably right. Okay, well, I'm 13 stone 6, so...

How many kilos are you, Alan? 65.

What's that in real money? About 10 and a half.

And I'm 17 to 71, so you're at the back, I'm in the middle, you're on the front.

All right.

Okay, all right, so I need to mount up first, do I? You do. All right. Shuffle

forward as far as you can. Here you go, I'll put my gloves on. You're going to

have to sit like that.

Yeah, all right. I once rode a GT550 across London with a load of crockery on

in a massive box because they wouldn't take it back. I was there and it fell

off. Isn't this a dispatch rider story? Yeah, and it fell off.

Ready?

Okay, are you sure you want me the big guy on the front? You go on the front.

You're on the front.

You go in the middle. All right, wait a minute. I have to mount from this side

out. Wait, wait, don't mount yet.

Okay. Right, you ready?

Yep. Oh, my God, this is going to be tight. I know.

Where's the pillion pegs?

Everyone's got to shuffle up a tiny little bit.

I can't.

I've got nothing to shuffle.

We're on.

My jeans are too tight. I can't get my other leg on. What the heck is that?

Ready? Yeah. We're off.

We're off, we're off, we're doing it.

I can't get a second.

Everyone happy?

Yeah. We're rocking.

Whoa. Oi, oi.

Lovely, mate. Hey, we could actually go on tour.

Yes, can we? Hang on, changing down.

Oh, I say.

This

is

hilarious.

It works. It's brilliant. It's ready for sale. We've achieved our goal.

I'm not sure I want to repeat the threesome, but what a funky little

Can I just say I was right?

In the sense that, right, even if I had tried for compression, I

would have never found the problem.

that you've got to take an Alan Milliard with you if you can. And to be fair to

you, you wouldn't have found that in the shed. You wouldn't have disassembled it

like that, would you, in the shed?

No. It was cantankerous, that thing. It was cantankerous.

So now, hang on. We got it going, right?

Yes. And then we managed to have a threesome. We did. Yes, very enjoyable.

It was, wasn't it? It's not for me on the bag. I sat on the rack. Yeah, well,

know, mate. That's the story of your life.

Okay, should we talk dentists just for a sec?

Seriously, Matt.

How can you enjoy going to the dentist?

It's really nice. It's peaceful. There's nice music playing, nice little

injection, laid back.

My dentist's got a TV screen on the ceiling so he can watch TV.

Root canal filling.

Oh, no.

I mean, the bottom line is, everything that you said there, you could do at

in the comfort of your own home, right?

You could. But you could have a biscuit, a cup of tea, or even a beer.

And no pain.

And no pain. But you love the dentist.

Hey, look, when we come back... Yeah, we might have some more tea, but most

especially, we're eventually at Stratford, our favourite jumble.

Hey, well, welcome back now. Before we go to Stratford, I want to reflect on

something that happened at an auto jumble last year.

Yes, I'm very proud of this moment. Yes, you are. This is probably one of the

weirdest things, well, that's ever happened to me.

So here we are, one mile down the road and ready to roll.

I think base camp at Mount Everest is busier than this.

And then something very unexpected happened.

So, mate, look, we've got lots of accoutrement if you're into American

rat rod stuff or cans.

Well, shall I tell you what I really want?

Yeah. Hang on. It's going to shell out some money.

There's a hundred pound there. Yeah. All right.

For a lock of your air.

What? For a lock of your hair.

Why do you want that?

I've got a friend that loves your hair.

She said, oh, I love Henry's hair.

So I'd like to buy a lock of your hair and then present it to her as a

present.

Do you know what? That has never, ever happened to me. To buy your hair? Yeah.

For £100.

Really?

You know what I think we should do here?

What? I think I should get the scissors out. You should lose your hair. I got

the scissors. And I think the money should go to the air ambulance.

That's right.

Because I use the Air Ambulance.

Okay, go on then. Oh, this is fantastic.

Go on then. You couldn't make this up?

I've got some elastic bands to tie you up with.

What? He hasn't come prepared.

Oh, you cut it. Now, come on, finish me. What bit do you want to lose? Do you

want a bit with highlights in?

There's no bits with highlights in.

Right, go on then.

Just get the length as well. Yeah, I'll get the length. Don't worry.

Why did you not get the whole length? Up to the scale.

What? No, there. Is that enough?

Yes. There. More, more, more. No, I can't go more.

No, you're going to cut a bloody hole in my head.

All your scissors are bloody. Oh, no.

Here we go. There we go. It's not bad, mate. Have you done it? Yeah.

There we go.

Watch that light, Rob. There we go.

Here,

there you go. Can I just say, that might be the best lock of hair you've ever

lost because you might need that air ambulance one day and it might save your

life.

I'll do it.

Then we know it's done. Not that we don't trust you, Rob. No, not at all.

do it, right. This is for the air ambulance. Because I've used the air

when I broke my neck.

Oh, right. Okay, mate. Well, look, we're in.

Thank you so much for asking the weirdest thing... Rob, and that's given

much pleasure.

I

still

don't actually know whether that bit's grown back yet.

Well, it was quite a chunk, so... Yeah. It'll be on the way, though. Honestly...

I actually think that's worth more than £100. It's such a big chunk.

Well, I know. I was expecting you to take, you know, just a little bit like

that. Would you? I went for the maximum I could get away with.

And I did the charity donation bit because I knew then you could not back

But I have to tell you, man, it was odd.

Put yourself in that guy's shoes.

Would you come up to me, right, and ask for a lock of my hair?

No. If he'd been asking for mine, I'd have been off. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Well, I was about to be off, but then you egged him on. Of course I did. Yeah,

you did, and then he joined in as well. Yeah, and if you were me, you'd have

done the same. It's a thing in the past, and it was actually quite fun. And you

have recovered, and it was painless. No, no, no. I have recovered, honestly.

Yes. I have, and I recovered quite quickly. Actually, I never actually knew

where he'd taken the lock from.

Anyway, look, hey, it's Stratford time. We've got ourselves a load of trinkets,

yeah, and it's time for a nice little earner.

Welcome to Stratford. The Gee -Gees and Jockeys have been replaced by 200

stalls, selling everything from a pin to an anchor.

Now, as always, we really haven't got everything out properly yet, but we're

wheeling and dealing already, aren't we?

Charlie, one of my favourite clients here, right, and Marie, his mum.

OK, now, Charlie, what did you want?

A crab chug. I met Charlie a couple of months ago.

He might only be 11, but he knows his onions and his chugs, and he's already a

demon haggler.

Now, it says 30 on there. Are you going to bid me? You always do.

20.

All right.

There you go, show me by the hand.

Right, 20 it is, son. Good lad.

By the time Charlie leaves, he's got a second jug.

A 15.

Yeah, sure.

A puncture repair kit and a grinding paste tin.

That is the new generation, right, of collector, and we're here to support

the whole way.

But it ain't just the nippers.

55 quid. That was the 30?

Cheers, Neil. Thank you so much. Within half an hour, stuff is flying off the

store. Faster than we can put labels on.

The big ticket items, though, are the bikes. And the biggest of all is our

Skymax monkey bike.

Better check it still works.

Ready? Yeah.

The electronic ignition won't play ball.

And the kickstart is no better.

It doesn't feel...

Our little monkey ain't swinging.

Oh, God.

Unbelievably appalling. This is our biggest item.

And it's dead.

I can't believe it.

That's the only new thing we've ever had on the stall and it doesn't work.

And then, Alan remembers something. The side stand is fitted with an ignition

cut -off.

I'll go first time now.

Ride it quick! Yeah!

That's amazing!

That's incredible.

That's what they call in the trade, finger trouble.

Because it wouldn't go because the side stand was down.

We're not used to all that because it's modern stuff.

Anyway,

look, it's going.

There's 1100 quid on the ticket and let's hope it does go.

There are a few bikes on offer today, but no other stall compares to our

Emporium and our Salesman.

What a cycle master moped from 1953.

I think we'd be looking at a deal at six.

Or our Skymax monkey bike.

I mean, please.

It ticks over nicely when you feather the throttle.

And you say you like it ruddy?

Yeah, it's got good compression. It runs well.

£5 .50.

And it's a deal.

Go on then.

Yeah, thank you.

This is the moment in a deal where everything goes quiet.

And I'll look out like that. Now, as the blood came, come back to me face.

Well, you can bid me on it.

Well, I'm looking for 1 ,100 quid. I know you are. 900?

No.

Can't do any more than that, really.

I'm going to come back to you. OK, all right. So the gentleman's coming back

later. Is that really honestly?

Yeah, I'm going to come back. Happy days.

We'll have to wait and see on the Skymax, but back on the stall, the

are moving faster than an Olympic relay team.

But it's yours truly who cuts the biggest trinket deal of the day.

Henry, what's your best deal on that?

With the Pontiac grille.

Right, 200 for that.

One on the pump.

And the ESO blue pump. We've just restored.

650 for that.

800 a pair.

Well done, lads. All right, 800 it is.

So what a result.

I think we've made 100 quid or something.

But that's all right.

Brilliant. Well done. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Here we go. If I break it, if you bash it, you buy it. That's the name of the

game.

But though we found a home for our SO Blue dispenser, there's no sign of that

punter coming back for the Skymax.

And then, following the eternal rule of end -of -day selling... Look, I'm just

having me lunch, have a little sausage roll, and a gentleman here is interested

in the Skymax.

Well, I stay interested.

He's just offered me a derisory amount of 600 quid.

It's a bargain.

I know it is. It's a bargain for you.

It's end of the day, isn't it?

8 .50.

7 .50 is bottom line. That's all I've got.

I've got 7 .50.

Pound notes.

It does run, doesn't it?

Yeah, it starts on the bottom.

5, 6, 7, 50.

Yeah, go on then.

Yeah, I'll give that to you.

We bought it for 600, so that's 150 quid profit, less the cost of the battery.

Oh, now we're away.

He's off.

Look at it.

Oh, my God, it's gone. And it works. What more do you want from a monkey

It was a good result, Stratford. By the same time, can we talk?

Monkey bike. Now then. You've just given me a load of hassle throughout the show

today, right? About checking for compression. And why don't you actually

motorcycle a once -over before you acquire it?

Okay? So then, I am left with a punter standing there, right? With you two

lemons, right? Trying to start that monkey, yeah? And...

really not succeeding at all because of a very modern, easy thing to sort out,

which he should have known about.

He was parked on the south dam, wasn't he? And the south dam was also down.

Yeah, you see.

His operator error parking it. Did you park it?

I might have done. Yeah, so his south dam should have been up anyway.

Okay, all right. I think if I'm right, we made 150 quid on that bike.

Yeah, I think over 800 quid on the day. Yeah, we did. And also, we sold that SO,

you know, two -stroke dispenser or whatever.

Yeah. And a car grill. But the other thing with an auto jumble is you've got

your smaller stuff. It keeps the money flowing. It keeps the store busy.

I mean, I think that is key. You know, I wouldn't like to actually be looking

after a store where all I had was big items, only because there isn't that.

constant, you know, transactions.

Yeah. Is there? Yeah. And you're right, that's the fun of it. Haggling on even,

like, 15 quid's worth of petrol or something like that. The people make the

The camaraderie is great. We are a worldwide community of auto jumblers, in

view. What do they call them in America?

Swapmates. Swapmates. That's right. Hey, look, whatever you call it, join us

next time for some more junk and disorderly best bits.