Original subtitles

Oh no!

Scanning the globe to bring you the very

worst news stories of the day.

It's the Slugtone Newsreel.

Who would've guessed it?

Mr. Bill, the little clay man from a little town of Despair,

considered the biggest long shot in the history

of American politics, has won the Presidential

election in a landslide!

It's going to fall!

The worst in Midwest history.

Yes, it was a grueling, hard-fought campaign,

one that will long be remembered for achieving

new heights in the political art of mudslinging.

Ohh!

But the little man just kept bouncing back,

exerting his hands-on approach to the never-ending

tasks necessary for a successful bid, like kissing the baby...

pit... bulls, and the interminably long bus tours.

Row, row, row your boat,

gently down the stream.

Merrily... ohh!

But the hard work paid off,

as the American public turned out

in droves to cast their vote for the little man from Despair.

Now the celebrations are over, and the real work

begins for President Bill.

Oh boy, what a comfortable chair.

It sure is great being President.

Huh, Spot?

Say, Mr. President, it's time

to sign some important bills.

Oh boy!

Yay!

Whoops.

Oh no, the first day on the job and we've

already messed up the rug.

Gee, you're right.

We'd better use some spot remover.

Oh no, you leave Spot alone. Don't!

No!

Wait! Don't!

Stop! Noo!

There, perfect.

And it's a good thing.

Because you know what they always say.

Uh, the... "The buck stops here."

Now, what does that mean?

Oh wait! Oh!

I get the point! No, wait!

Don't!

Ohh!

Ooh, the thorns! Ohh!

Oh, I see you found the rose garden.

No time to smell the roses though, because the Chairman

of the Joint Chiefs of Staff would like to discuss

some new cuts in defense.

Cuts in defense?

Yay!

Oh no, he's going to be mean to me!

Nah, it's General Sluggo.

And he just wants to show you his new Star Wars cuts.

Uh, no, that's OK.

Uh, we don't have to make any cuts in the films.

No. No!

No! Don't do that!

No! Oh!

Oh wow!

Wow!

Boy, what a splitting headache.

Being President is a lot tougher than I thought.

You're right, President Bill,

because there are some big problems left over

from the last administration.

Like Slugga Hussein.

Oh, no.

So what does he want now?

He just wants to give us what we've hoped for all along.

The new peace treaty?

No, all the oil you could ever want.

No, don't do that!

Oh!

Now it's time to go to the Hill to meet Congress.

Oh boy, Capitol Hill.

Yay!

Gee, I sure hope me going to the hill

will help clean up Washington.

Well, I hope Congress likes my new budget proposal.

Hey, and the Washington Monument.

You know, I once cut down a cherry tree and lost a a foot.

Oh, and there's the Jefferson Memorial.

Yeah, I tell ya, Washington DC is sure a beautiful place.

Well, here we are the Capitol Steps.

Oh boy!

The Capitol Steps!

Hey hey!

Hey, it's Senate Minority Leader, Sluggo.

Oh no.

And he wants you to look over his revisions

to your new budget. - Oh wait!

Don't! Don't!

Oh!

Oh! Why?

Why? Oh!

Oh no.

Oh gee, it's Senate recess.

Oh, no!

Don't do that! Don't!

Wait! Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Gee, President Lincoln, you know, being President

is sure a lot tougher than I ever thought.

But I guess someone's got to do it.

And... and you know...

I've taken everything those mean old Sluggos have thrown at me,

and I'm still standing tall.

Yeah, maybe everything's going to be all right after all.

Change is hard.

But things can be different.

Uh, maybe good can triumph over evil.

Oh.

Oh, wait, no. Oh!

Ow!

See you next time.

Bye bye.

Sloughing my way up the Kantezi river,

fighting malaria, river blindness

and savage Matabele warriors, I, Indiana Worrell,

have at last come face to face with the pinnacle of my quest.

The two-by-four temple of pine.

Hey, bring my those two-by-fours.

Sure.

I got 'em here.

The royal guard has left their watch.

And the sacred treasure of Nefertiti

lies just within our grasp.

Nuh-uh.

Don't you go and be takin' nothin' from no Nefertiti.

She mighty particular about that jewelry.

Now, Nefertiti?

Yeah, I remember Nefertiti.

She used to drive a '36 Chrysler.

Men, a narrow window of opportunity

has been made available to us.

And we'd be fools not to take it.

I'm going in.

Don't worry, Indy, I'm right behind you.

Yes sir, I'm a-stickin' to ya like glue.

You're waitin' on me, you're backin' up.

Ooh, a soon-to-be-discovered marvel sings

out its haunting love call.

Ah, to find a diamond.

A flawless, 30-carat, D-grade, 10-power water-white crystal.

I believe cut in Antwerp, an exact match

to the one Fitzgerald died for whilst coating on the Zambezi.

Ah, what's this?

Yes.

A diamond of this brilliance and quality

could only have come from one source.

From the diamond necklace which surrounds.

Cleopatra's crystal skull.

But to find that, I must delve even deeper

into the bosom of mother earth.

Ow!

Ah!

Could it be?

Is it possible?

Yes!

It's Cleopatra's crystal skull.

Ow!

Ow!

Ahh!

Wow.

What's all this about?

I never did anything to you.

That's it.

Every time a power tool cops an attitude, I get blamed for it.

They're going to blame me for all this!

What are you doing this to me for?

I'm not your enemy.

Some of my best friends are power tools.

Go away.

How'd you like to come over to my house?

I could introduce you to a nice little skill saw.

You're going to get me in trouble.

I'm going to get framed.

Ow!

Good thing it hit the hard end.

Ah!

Ow!

Get out of here!

This place is going to kill me!

With stealth and agility, Indiana evades

the serpent of endless teeth.

Wow!

Look at this.

It's a genuine prehistoric television antenna component.

Wait'll Dr. Melon sees this.

Uh-oh.

Makita warriors.

Hey, what's the... what...

Look at that!

What?

Uh... ha... uh...

Hey you!

Come here!

Believe it or not, I didn't do this!

The saw did it!

I just watched!

Dr. Mellon, this university has worked hard

to build a good reputation.

And you, with one preposterous paper,

have come close to destroying it.

But my theory is sound.

History is not dead pursuit.

It grows and changes every day.

Not here.

Here, you teach the curriculum as approved by this board.

But my theory, the Green Mountain

regulars, it has validity.

Until your theory is fact, it is

fiction, and belongs in the English department, not

history.

Yes, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes

our meeting for today.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

That reference book you have there is irreplaceable.

I hope you're not planning to take it off campus.

No.

I'll be careful with it.

See that you are.

We've been having trouble with Dr. Melon.

It's a troubled time.

Dr. Melon, I'm Dr. Radner Glencliff.

Dr. Radner Glencliff, I'm honored to meet you, sir.

I've read so much about you.

Well, thank you.

I must apologize for my fellow trustees.

But both you and I know that the infighting in academia

is so vicious only because the stakes are so small.

Exactly, so small.

Let's assume for the moment that your theory is true.

Well, that would mean that the crown

jewels residing in the Tower of London are fakes.

And the real jewels are hidden inside a cannon

somewhere in Virginia.

Absolutely.

Listen, I have more of an open mind than my colleagues.

If you should come across anything that

might help substantiate your article,

you be sure and call on me first.

I think I may have a better chance than you

of getting them to accept it.

Oh, well, thank you very much, sir.

I will. You're a good man.

Thank you. - Thank you.

Take care. - Yes.

Bye-bye.

Hmm, let's see.

Mosquito repellent?

Yeah, that ought to scare them.

Blasting caps.

A brain is a terrible thing to waste.

Map, map, where's the map? Oh, come now,

don't tell me you've lost that bloody map.

Oh no, sir.

That map's around here somewheres.

Hey, professor!

What's new in the history biz?

Nothing.

Well, why the long face?

I thought you were a hysterical professor.

Well, look, no time for games today, OK?

I just had a meeting with the Board of Regents.

And it really didn't go that well.

Hey, you got something on your shirt.

- Where? - Gotcha.

Ah!

Ernest!

Why do you insist on playing these

outdated sophomoric pranks?

Hey, speaking of outdated, look what I found.

I don't have the time nor inclination.

No look, you see, it's curved here,

and it's got a beveled edge.

Great.

And I bet it would make a swell boomerang.

It'll be just the weapon we need

when our mates are thrashin' about in the water,

trying to keep away from them... right, all right... sharks.

Ah!

Sorry.

Oh, Ernest, you are unbelievable.

You really are.

That's the university's book.

I'm responsible for it.

Well, it's OK.

I'll fix it.

And they'll be none the wiser.

Hmm.

Just pull this out.

What?

Oh, Ern...

I'm sorry.

Oh, please... look, I have an idea.

Yes.

Next time you see me, just don't speak or wave

or say anything like, hey Dr. Miller, look what I found!

OK?

Pl... please.

Where did you get that?

I found it.

- Where did you find it? - In France.

I found it in France.

Where in France?

Outside Paris.

Where outside... you've never been to Paris.

Let me see it.

Where did you find it?

Well, I found it near some, uh, ruins.

If this is what I think it is,

we are on the verge of a major discovery.

You mean it's part of an alien spaceship or something?

You want your pickle?

Stamped out insignia like these were used

as identification plates on American battlefield

wagons in the 1700s.

Well, why?

Didn't the wagons know who they were?

If by some miracle, there is a 3, a 1,

and a 4 on this plane, it will prove

that the Green Mountain Regulars Unit 314 really did exist.

And at least part of my theory is true.

Yes.

There's a 4.

You see, I told you being buddies would pay off.

Professional collaborators, perhaps.

Buddies?

No.

Who makes this bread anyway? Goodyear?

I believe King George III sent the Crown Jewels

of England to America, to remind those revolutionary colonists

they were still subject to the British crown.

But the old 314th ambushed the English guard unit

and stole the Crown Jewels right here in Virginia,

then hid them in the barrel of a gigantic

regiment mechanical Goliath.

There's a 1.

Vindication is so close.

Look!

There's a 3!

Yes! There was a 314th!

Finally it's true!

My theory is true!

It's true!

Yes, absolutely, Doctor.

I agree.

I've tried mutual funds, money market CD's, and I just

can't seem to keep ahead of inflation.

Risk, Dr. Keen, is the fuel of wealth.

Take the conquistadors of the 1500s.

They risked everything to find wealth in the New World.

And they found it.

Didn't they?

Yes.

But many men died.

So your doctor friend will know

what my metal boomerang is?

Oh, absolutely.

Dr. Radner Glencliff is the preeminent private collector

of historical artifacts in the nation.

And fortunately for us, he's a wise man

with no preconceived notions about how history was written.

Dr. Wong, please report to Emergency.

Can I help you?

Yes.

I had a preconceived notion once.

But it turned out to be something

I'd already thought of.

When he sees this, he'll get behind my theory

and the Board of Regents will listen to him.

Well, what can I do for you?

Dr. Abner Melon to see Dr. Radner Glencliff please.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dr. Glencliff is not available at the moment.

Oh.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

But I did have an appointment.

Oh?

Let me handle this.

My good woman, kindly tell the doctor

that the two persons waiting in the anteroom

are in possession of a metal plate

from a giant cannon called Goliath.

Oh!

You stand over there.

- Over there? - Over there.

Over...

Over there!

Over here?

I'm supposed to be doing this.

I've got the D-R-period in front of my name, not you, Ernest.

Could I have my boomerang back please?

Ow.

I don't know him.

He followed me here.

He did.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, come right in.

Sorry to interrupt you, doctor.

Oh, this is overwhelming.

Look, the Greco-Roman bust of Zeus.

Oh, Cleopatra's...

Tube top.

Ben Franklin's kite.

Doctor, I've seen pictures of these items in magazines.

But to see them in person is truly

a breathtaking experience.

I've spent a lifetime and service fortunes

collecting what you see here.

I knew a guy who collected roach wings.

He's got one from Africa.

It's as big as a fly swatter.

Ms. Wilson said something about an ID plate.

Yes.

Ernest found this at the construction site

at the Fairway Estates.

See?

3, 1, 4.

Hmm...

Certainly has the right markings.

Seemed like the right alloys for the period.

Have you done a carbon dating yet?

No but the chip points are so obvious.

Yes they are.

I agree with you.

This could be the genuine article.

Well, good for you.

Then you'll support my theory

with the Board of Regents?

Now, Abner, we can't go off half-cocked here.

Other than this little bit of evidence that the regiment

existed, you have nothing.

Now, Dr. Melon, even if we were to accept this...

as proof that the Green Mountain Regulars were not just

a fiction, surely you can see that we're still

a long way from having any real evidence

that the crown jewels of England were hidden inside a cannon.

Now, if this artifact were to lead

to some remnant of Goliath, well, then you'd

have something I could support.

Well, if I could find Goliath, I...

I'd have the proof I need.

Dr. Melon, believe me.

I want your theory validated as much as you do.

But I've just got to have more.

More?

Let's go, Dr. Melon. I'm.

Expecting great things from you, Abner.

The university doesn't appreciate

what an asset they have in you.

Well, thank you very much.

Now, if you should come up with anything more...

- Ernest, let go. - You be sure and call me.

I'll have my girl call your girl.

We'll take a meeting. We'll do lunch.

Right now we're vapor trails. - Excuse me.

We're out of here.

As they say in your hobby, we're history.

Sorry, doctor.

Let's go, Abner.

How could you do that?

He's my only friend on the board.

Do you remember when Indiana Jones

grabbed the idol and the big rock started rolling after him?

I think we've got that same kind of situation here.

This neighborhood looks like...

a Mighty Workboy neighborhood.

Look.

A customer.

A doctor.

A good customer.

A real... - Good...

customer.

I am Mighty Workboy,

and I will work for you.

I do upholstery and watch it as a I do.

I'm the Mighty Workboy.

I work for all I do...

- Good morning, ma'am. - Fine morning.

Nice car.

Pay cash?

You know, unless this is the cure for the common cold,

fellas, I'm afraid you're wasting your time.

Ma'am, we are just so terribly pleased to be

able to offer you the amazing...

Mighty Workboy vacuum cleaner.

For only $22.

And 75 cents.

$22.00?

And 75 cents.

- Really. - No strings attached.

Really?

Ooh, and such a good price?

Although there is a small financing charge.

- And carrying cost. - Plus cord.

- And the motor. - Handle.

And attachments.

And taken together with the price of...

- The cute little headlight. - Wheels.

And the dirt container bag.

And of course, the amazing Mighty Workboy...

bug fogger. It comes to a total of 235...

- dollars... - and 16...

cents.

And that's American money.

Well, good luck to you both.

Yeah...

- That's our only... - copy.

- Get it. - Can't.

- Get it. - Can't.

- Get it. - Can't.

- Get it. - Can't.

Get it. Stuck!

Really?

Abner?

Honey?

Guess what I bought?

It just spoke to me.

- Not more clothes. - Oh, it's such a good move.

Nan, I thought I told you that we can't afford any more...

No, that new car I've been wishing and dreaming for.

- A car? - Mhm.

A new one?

Well, of course, dear.

A new car?

On what I make?

Abner, don't yell at me.

You're a well-respected university professor,

and I'm your loving wife.

I just knew you wouldn't want me to go to the Dean's

tee in that rickety beat-up old Dodge Dart now

would you, honey?

And this spring, of course, we'll

be invited to the Chancellor's Easter Egg hunt.

Now we can arrive in style.

So how'd it go today the Board of Regents?

Did they like your article?

Hmm?

Uh, they... um...

They what?

Well, they were, uh, somewhat reluctant.

I... I would say.

You embarrassed me again, didn't you?

No, no, no, no. I didn't, Nan.

I...

Mm, you brought up that theory again, didn't you?

Maybe a little bit at first, I brought it up look.

But look, look.

Ernest found a cannon plate at Fairway Estates

in the subdivision.

Ernest?

Abner, how many times have I told you never to be seen

socializing with that bonehead?

Now, you're a professor of standing.

You will ruin our sterling reputation.

But I think he's made a pretty incredible discovery.

Now, you keep your little discoveries to yourself.

Especially when that Ernest is involved,

and everything'll be just fine.

Your tenure will lock in our future

and we will have nothing to worry about.

OK?

Tell me I'm pretty.

Pretty.

Gimme a kiss.

Really hate that tie, dear. Really do.

Ooh, yummy.

Hey, so what's next?

A press release. New find proves lost regiment.

Hey, "The Enquirer" will call for sure.

"Nightline," "Unsolved Mysteries."

If it's sweets week, we might even get to meet Madonna.

Oh now, Ernest, please.

Hold on.

We should go to DC and talk to those Smithsonians.

Now, there's a family that knows a lot about old stuff.

No, Ernest, you go back to your job.

I go back to mine.

We do nothing.

Boy, aren't we a team?

And what about that Goliath.

Don't you just love big cannons?

Taking those big wire brushes and running them up and down

that barrel?

Please, Ernest, enough with the cannon!

Enough!

If I even mention my theory again,

the university will lock me up and throw away the key.

Come on, Dr. Melon, through a stroke of incredibly dumb luck,

you have the chance to have a 40-pound adventure

on a 5-pound test line.

So what do you say, huh? What do you say?

You got something on your tie. - Huh?

Gotcha.

Ernest! I hate that!

Do you think that's clever?!

Because I don't think it's funny!

Look at me!

I'm not laughing! See?

I'm sorry, Dr. Melon.

I... I was just trying to cheer you up.

Ernest, don't bother!

Please!

Dreaming of finding Goliath was nothing more

than a fiction, a soap bubble.

Nobody believes my theory.

I'm not even sure I do anymore.

Well, I have faith in you, Dr. Melon.

Just my luck.

Ernest P. Worrell is my only ally.

As the day is long.

Really?

Really.

So what's it going to be, huh?

Is it to going to be Oh, Dr. Melon,

I forgot my homework.

Oh, do I have to take that test again?

My foot's asleep.

Or are we going to walk over to that car, roll those big dice,

never mind the consequences, come what may,

the sky's the limit for adventure.

Come on, we're a team, aren't we?

Aren't we?

Stanley and Livingston?

Lewis and Clark?

Sonny and Cher?

Worrell and Melon?

- Melon are Worrell? - Yes!

Yes!

We're going to tie one on!

Tear one loose!

Rip one off!

- Muckle onto some antlers! - Yes!

- Yes! - Yes!

No!

I have to teach a class.

I'd have to have the brain of a six-year-old

to even consider it.

Ready when you are.

OK!

But I'll drive!

Nan's insurance is very specific on that point!

Gosh, I never get to drive new cars.

Can I just take it out of the parking space?

Finally, direct evidence.

Computer access the Oxford Historical Library.

I want to know everything there is to know about King George

III, the crown jewels, the Green Mountain.

Regulars and a pre-Revolutionary War siege cannon named Goliath.

If we start the research, we may be exposed.

What we need is an alias, or a buffer.

Use J. Quentin University, Dr. Abner Melon.

This information just came through from the Oxford.

Library, sir.

They thought you needed to be notified straight away.

Hmm.

Well, well, after a silence of more than 200 years,

someone is finally poking their nose about.

The Goliath, sir?

And perhaps, the Crown Jewels.

You know what this means for Britain, don't you?

I'm afraid so sir.

A change in the status quo.

Whew.

New car smell. Boy.

- This is where you found it? - Yeah.

I found it in that construction site, right over there.

Then what are we doing sitting here?

Well, now's not a good time.

Uh, Makita warriors.

What?

Shh.

Well, it was certainly the right time when you pulled

me away from my classroom.

Hey, lunch guys.

OK, now's a good time. Let's go.

Roll up the window.

Lock the door.

And don't slam it.

You slammed it! - Shh.

Makita warriors.

Makita warriors.

It's expensive.

Man oh man, you should have been with me the day

I found Cleopatra's crystal skull.

Mhm.

That was a red-letter day to remember.

The Tencholocator 2000-C is the world's greatest

finding device.

It eliminates any unnecessary digging for worthless objects.

Ow!

I had a finding device once.

I lost it.

Doesn't seem to be turning up any evidence of a cannon.

Well, maybe I should just look for it the old-fashioned way.

Oh, I have the utmost confidence

in the Tencho, Ernest.

Any other method would be entirely superfluous.

Abner, listen to the voice of experience.

Ernest, are you dead?

Well, I guess I would be if I weren't just that close

to being an actual cartoon.

- Oh. - Oh.

Ouch. - What is it?

What?

Ow.

Swing your detector over here.

Some sort of round metal object.

A hubcap?

Its density is too high for a hubcap.

Hmm.

It's a cannonball.

A can...

A... a real cannonball, Abner.

A really, really, real cannonball.

Yes.

Not the cannonball you did in the pool

when your sister was wearing her graduation dress, no.

A real boom-boom cannonball, the kind they used to use to storm

mighty fortresses and...

Ernest? Dig.

Oh, right. Right.

Ow. Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Ow!

Ernest!

Didn't really wanna...

you... Abner, you didn't.

Darling, it's my car, not our car.

Where is my car?!

Stop the car!

Hey!

Take me to the university now.

This is an emergency.

Opportunity knocks...

- more than once... - whenever your work...

the neighborhood.

Well, hello.

- Move it. - Oh!

You're sitting on my loose change!

Ah, quiet.

Give it to the homeless.

From the markings on this ball and it's unusual size,

there is no doubt in my mind it was fired from the Goliath,

the largest cannon ever cast.

Made at the Delacroix Foundry in, France, in 1727.

I can start a fire with that magnifying glass.

Roll it over.

Roll it over.

The Goliath fired a maximum load of 18.9 kilograms

of black powder.

A ball of this diameter and mass would have an effective range

of 1,300 yards.

You didn't cut a lot of classes in school did you?

From the striations on those rocks there, it's obvious.

The shot was fired from that grassy knoll.

Yeah.

I never believed that Warren guy anyway.

Did you?

Makita warriors! - What?

Run, Dr. Melon! Run!

Whoa! Where?

Away!

Chow mein, chopped suey, sweet and sour...

Wait...

- I left my detector! - Me too!

But it was a Tencho!

Mine was an 11-cho!

But why are we running?

Because our legs are moving very, very fast!

Oh.

Open the door, Dr. Melon.

Open the door. - Let me see.

That one's for the ignition. This is for the...

Unlock the door! Unlock the door!

Unlock the door!

If I scratch the paint, Nan will have a fit.

How's she going to feel about scraping

your brains off the hood?

Good point.

It's him!

Get him!

The one in the ball cap's mine.

Watch the door handle, Ernest.

- Ah! - Thank you.

Let's move! Come on!

Let's go! Let's go!

I have to let it warm up first.

Oh!

Whoa!

Aim for the big ones.

Be a moving target.

Oh!

You guys are in trouble when my wife finds out!

She's definitely...

taking the bait.

Now all we have to do is...

reel her in.

Well, Abner is not here.

I just know he's with that Ernest,

looking for some imaginary cannon.

Did we mention...

- the Mighty Workboy... - is ideal...

for cleaning swimming pools...

septic tanks...

oil spills...

and other natural disasters?

Is my nose bleeding?

The Goliath had a range of 3/4 of a mile.

So it's got to be around here somewhere.

Hey.

Isn't this one of those little lizards

that when the tail falls off, it can grow another lizard?

Oh, what am I doing here?

How did I let you convince me that Goliath

could be anywhere around here?

Oh I know, it's obvious.

I must be losing my mind.

What I want to know is, when it does lose its tail,

does it grow one back real fast like, overnight?

Or does it take a couple weeks?

I'm a well-read, intelligent, literate man with two PhDs.

So how is it I'm on a wild goose chase with a refugee

from "Sesame Street?"

Gosh, going two weeks without a tail would be tough.

That's it.

Forget it. I'm finished.

No more, Ernest.

It's probably not here anyway.

We're just wasting time.

Oh, is your little nest in here?

Hello?

Hello?

Dr. Melon, come up here.

You've got to hear this.

It's really neat.

Herpetology is not my field, Ernest.

Budd, Shackleton, Perry, don't worry lads.

We're going to lower a line down into the ice cave!

And you'll be up here with us in now time, sipping tea,

before you can say Jack B...

Ernest!

Ouch.

That little lizard's got to be around here somewhere.

Are you all right?

Oh!

Ow!

Is there anything there?

Did you find something?

No.

There's nothing down here.

Ouch.

We came so close to catching them.

They took off up there. - Thank you.

Thank you.

We'll send somebody by to pick it up.

OK.

Oh!

Oh, it actually exists!

Oh, I can't believe it.

Look at the size of it.

Oh, oh, it's true.

All my theories are true.

Oh, oh, look, look, look!

The fuse is even still intact!

Oh, those irregulars must have left in an awful hurry.

I was irregular once.

Oh, it's too tight.

I can't get in to see.

Well, Dr. Jones, I see

you have found the arc for us.

Give your adventure delusions a rest for a second

and give me your hand.

No problemo.

I'll just move this chalk.

What are you doing?

Don't.

And roll it back for you.

Oh, be careful, Ernest.

You know, June, I'm sure glad that cobra

venom didn't zap my strength.

I don't mind telling you, Ernest,

that made me a little nervous.

Not to worry, Zahib.

I had complete control of the situation at all times.

Thanks for shopping with us.

It's going to go.

It's...

Hey, I can stop it.

No!

No!

Neat.

Why didn't I stay at school?

This is Nan's brand-new car.

Not anymore.

But hey, don't sweat it.

As soon as we get those Crown Jewels out of there,

we'll just reach around, pluck out a couple of diamonds,

and you can buy her two new cars.

Just think of it, his-and-her Humvee's.

Know what I mean?

Let's get to work.

I always wanted a Humvee.

It looks like there's some leaves and mud and sticks

and stuff.

I... I can't make out exactly what.

Here.

Give me a toe up, and I'll kind of scooch in here.

Yeah.

How'm I doing?

Dr. Melon?

Oh.

I'm not very good at this toe-hold thing.

Push, doctor.

Push.

Push.

OK.

Dr. Melon.

Dr. Melon, I'm stuck!

Pull me out!

I... I could help you if you'd just hold still.

Ugh!

Dr. Melon!

Dr. Melon?

You can pull me out now if you want to.

Dr. Melon?

It's awful cramped in here.

I wouldn't mind at all if you'd pull me out right now.

Dr. Melon?

There might be bugs in here!

Or vampires!

Or a dentist!

Dr. Melon!

Help!

For the very last time, gentlemen, I am not... repeat...

not even a tiny bit interested in buying, renting, or lease

purchasing a vacuum cleaner.

- Perhaps that's because... - you haven't seen...

all the attachments.

Some are quite unique.

Watch the road.

Now, if you'll just take a look at this,

I know you'll agree...

that the Mighty Workboy home-cleaning system...

is simply the most versatile...

and the most economical...

as well as the most entertaining...

combination vacuum cleaner...

and video cassette recorder...

- on the market today. - Try one.

- Ow! - And they're cheap.

- Try two. - Ow!

My kids are in private school.

Shut up and drive.

We have got to find my husband.

What's that...

smell?

Oh, do you like it?

It's called Night Chill.

Very nice.

- Thank you. - Smells like...

road kill.

Help!

Dr. Melon!

Pull me out!

Dr. Melon?

Dr. Melon?

I'm real sorry if I got you into hot water

with that fancy... - Dr. Glencliff?

Oh.

That mummy was real old.

And...

Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

As you can see, we have located Goliath.

Huh?

Dr. Melon?

Talking to yourself is not a sign of mental stability.

Oh, Ernest, it's Dr. Glencliff!

He's here to help us.

Dr. Melon?

Ouch!

Ouch!

Oh!

Ow!

He's... he's stuck, doctor.

We'll take it to the clinic and cut him out there.

Well, you can't cut Goliath.

It's a priceless relic.

Who said anything about cutting Goliath?

Oh, oh, good joke, Dr. Glencliff.

Humor's a little dark for my taste.

But as I say, to each his own.

Huh?

I'm laughing.

See?

Oh, you're not joking, are you?

How else would I get the crown jewels out?

Put him in the wrecker.

Hey!

I warn you!

I'm skilled in the Oriental discipline.

Ouch! Help!

Ow!

Skipping school like some eighth grader.

I mean, this theory of...

My god!

Oh boy.

What a shame.

Totalled.

- That's what I'd say. - Totalled.

Complete write off.

No insurance.

You know, a good low-mileage car...

like that...

- could probably sell for 25... - 26...

- thousand... - dollars.

Of course, this one has a few...

glitches.

But with a little body work...

Some Bondo...

we could fix it, sure.

No problem.

I'm going to kill somebody.

We sell some really nice guns too.

And bullets, lots of bullets.

- Lots of bullets, yeah. - I think they're in the...

trunk.

Just... just take me home, OK?

Your chariot...

awaits.

I think I'll poison him.

Mhm.

For Heaven's sake, drive carefully.

That's a very old cannon.

- Shut up. - Watch the curb!

Watch the curb!

Ow!

Boy, when they designed this thing,

passenger safety wasn't the first thing on their list.

Ow!

Let me out!

Can't stand tight places.

And I've got claustrophobia too!

When we get back to the clinic,

do whatever it takes to get him out of there.

Doctor...

Something unclear?

What do we do with the leftovers?

Use the surgical disposal system.

Watch the bumps.

Ouch.

Oh!

It's getting awful tight in here.

I sure wish I had started the day

with a good 24-hour deodorant.

My armpits are really starting to chafe.

Oh, how cute.

Oh yes.

Eight beautiful little hairy legs and...

200 cute little beady eyes, and...

ahh!

Ow!

Hit him.

You didn't do the job!

Put it in reverse!

Catch the idiot!

Run, Ernest!

Run!

Come... get back here!

- Oh! - Oh!

See...

Hey!

Hey!

Don't! - Left.

- Hey! - No.

No. No.

Right. - Don't.

Come on! - No.

Gotcha!

Ah.

Ah!

Young man, do you realize you're trespassing

on private property?

Look, lady, did you see a goopy guy in a brown hat?

No respect.

That's the trouble with young people today.

They have no respect for their elders.

You're just like my second son, Jaime.

I had to teach him manners.

He's dead now.

Listen, you old bag, you tell me

where the goofball is right now, or somebody's

going to get hurt.

Well, aren't we being testy?

I suspect we don't have enough bran in our diet.

Oh, is that a .44?

Ugh!

Looks just like Jaime.

You don't honestly believe you're

going to get away with this?

You must realize they have very effective statutes

and criminal penalties in order to combat the theft

of historical antiquities.

And furthermore, young man, may I be so bold to say,

I think you'd have more control of your life

if you had a proper post-secondary education.

Ugh!

Using his Olympic-trained legs,

Indy rockets to the Professor's rescue.

Hang on, Dr. Melon!

I'm coming!

Stop in the name of the Sheriff

of Nottingham!

Or be issued a sound thrashing!

Hey, no fair!

You hit Ernest!

Ya!

Oh! Ow.

Oh!

Ugh!

Dr. Melon?

Wake up!

It's me, Ernest.

I'm one of the new boys on the hood.

Wake up!

This is no time for taking naps!

Dr. Melon!

Please!

Dr. Melon!

Ow!

Ow!

Come on.

What's going on up there?

He's going to throw the cannon.

Whoa!

Doesn't that guy ever give up?

I'll show you.

Ow!

Get off my truck!

Oh, how about a public works enema?

Hold on!

How did he catch up to us?

This is ridiculous!

No!

Not the cones! Ow!

Ow!

Take that!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ah!

Ernest!

Whoa!

Stupid redneck!

Must have Stick-Em on his hands.

Let go of my set!

Ah!

Let go of me!

Let go of me!

Just shoot him!

Real bullets!

They're shooting real bullets at us!

Be a moving target, Dr. Melon.

Be a moving target.

Nobody's driving the truck!

I can't help that.

Let's get to the cannon.

But the trucks' out of control!

Welcome to my world!

- Let's be sensible! - No.

Let's stay alive.

Ooh, ah, ah, ooh. Moving target.

Moving target. Ernest?

Ah!

Where are you going?

Those cretins are trying to get on Goliath.

Ah!

Dr. Melon?

I'm going to pull the pin.

That's a good way to lose a finger, Ernest.

Uh-oh.

Ernest!

Jump to the cannon!

Jump!

Ah!

Come on, jump, Dr. Melon!

Jump!

No, no!

To the cannon! To the cannon!

Are you crazy?

That must be 13 feet!

This is no time to be superstitious!

Jump!

I... I can't!

Take my hand!

I can't! I don't jump!

I teach history!

I'm a history professor!

Just goes to show you, history won't keep you alive!

Now, jump! - I can't, Ernest!

I just can't do it!

Oh...

Dr. Melon!

Dr. Melon!

Jump!

I can't do it!

Ah!

Well, safe at last.

I'm off of this thing.

I knew it was too good to be true!

Oh!

He's on my cannon!

Follow him!

Follow him!

Ernest!

I jumped!

Wait up!

I'm coming!

Year of the Woman.

It's enough to make you sick...

to your stomach.

Look, lady, we can't be driving you all over town

just because you think we're your personal chauffeurs

or something. - Or something.

- We got our territory. - Our territor...

Yeah.

Stuff your territory.

No!

Don't!

Hey, hey, hey!

Too much...

coffee.

Oh well.

Let's go.

Oh!

Ah!

Left!

Help!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Yee-haw!

Let's go, honey. We're going to be late.

It's so good to see you.

Get out of the way!

I don't want to kill anybody!

Not even that bad mime!

Watch out!

Get out of the way!

Oh.

You badly-dressed women, move!

Mayday!

Mayday!

Can't control this thing!

Get out of the way!

Watch out! Stop!

Get out of the way!

Watch out!

Get out of the way!

Sticker bushes!

Ow.

I can't believe this.

Ow.

Look, lady...

- we have to go. - We're late.

Since it doesn't look like you're going to...

buy anything...

we'll just be...

on our way.

You two will do exactly as you are to...

Excuse me.

Who are you?

And what are you doing in my house?

Sorry to impose, madam.

But we are here to inquire as to the whereabouts

of your husband, Dr. Abner T. Melon.

You are Mrs. Melon, I presume?

Who wants to know?

Madam, it is imperative we know where your husband is.

The severity of the situation is beyond your imagination.

You're not from around here, are you?

You're from... England, aren't you?

English...

big...

spender.

So Abner was right.

That tedious story of the Crown Jewels getting stolen is true,

or the British government

would not be so interested, what?

- Jewels? - The Crown...

Jewels.

Ernest!

Look out for the neighbor's cat!

Abner?

Let's roll.

Come on, Dr. Melon!

Come on!

You got the brains!

Get me off of this!

Come on, Dr. Melon!

Wait for me, Ernest!

I'm coming!

Move on.

Starboard!

Leeward!

Edward!

Anybody!

Oh.

Whoa!

No!

Call Marabone.

Tell him we've seen Goliath.

- Yes, sir. - Get in.

Get in. Get in.

We have to save those Crown Jewels.

And you know, of course, my darling husband.

- Whoa... - Ho-ho.

- Whose car is this? - Whose car?

- Is it stolen? - Oh, it's not stolen.

- Or swiped. - So it's yours.

- Lock... - stock...

and barrel. It's ours.

- Ours. - Ours.

- Ours. - Well, good.

I'm glad we established that. Now, get in.

Ah.

You said something earlier about jewels?

- The Crown... - Jewels?

So?

Unless you agree to give us a cut of whatever you get,

we're not moving an inch. - Not one inch.

Not one.

Not one.

Gentleman, that is blackmail.

You got...

that right.

A federal offense.

In most states.

But we suggest that you think about...

- Think about how far... - you'll get...

on foot.

Shanks' mare. - Hoofing it.

- All right, 10%? - 25...

Would be better.

Oh, I think I said, 10.

Ah, OK!

OK!

15!

Or Frank here swallows the keys.

I've seen him do it at parties.

Uh-huh.

Sorry, guys.

Sorry.

I mean, I'm just so stressed out.

I just... Abner and...

sorry.

Oh, OK.

OK.

- 12. - Done.

Get in.

Hey!

Ah, deal's a deal.

What a witch.

I think I'm in love.

Ernest!

Over here!

Dr. Melon!

Jump the ditch!

I don't jump!

I thought I told you that!

I'll try to find a crossroad!

Doesn't this feel fine?

Getting away from all the smog and crime and violence?

Can't believe we didn't do it earlier.

Oh, these thorns hurt.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Life is so serene on the open road.

Amen.

What's that?

No!

Come on, turn!

Help.

Ah.

It's some sort of alien spaceship.

It's no alien spaceship.

It is.

This must have been what it was like before power steering.

It's some kind of advertising.

No, it's in our lane.

It's not an advertisement.

Put your blinker on.

What do you mean, put my blinker on?

Put your blinker on.

Uh... uh... uh...

Brake! Brake!

Brake! - I'm braking!

I'm trying!

Brake!

Sorry to bust in on you folks like this!

Whoa!

It's one of those carjackings!

Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

Stop pushing us or we'll be forced to do something ugly!

Do something, Frank!

Frank!

Just what exactly would you have me do?!

Let's go.

We'll cut 'em off.

Believe me, folks, this wasn't my idea!

Whip it with the rod, Frank!

I'll get the bug juice!

All right!

Go on, Frank!

Cast away!

Get him!

Oh! Cast!

Go, Frank!

I'll teach you to knick my camper.

- Go on! - Gotcha!

- Ow! - You got him, Frank!

No reel him in! - Ow!

- Come on! - Catch and release!

Reel him in, Frank!

Let go of my camper, you car jacker!

Take that, you highway man!

Don't, lady!

Don't!

You're dead meat, buddy!

Ow! Ow!

Ouch!

Ow!

Don't you use Marvelous hooks?

Ow!

All right, plow into the back of that cannon now.

- But there's a man... - on that...

- cannon. - Yeah, I can see that!

Do it! - Think of the danger.

Think of the horror.

Think of the humanity.

Think of the jewels.

He'll live.

He's tiring, Frank!

He's laying on his side!

Reel him in, baby!

Ow!

Stand your ground, men.

Only fire if they don't stop.

Fire!

Stop, Frank!

His gang is shooting at us!

If we go down, this one's going with us!

Ow!

Run!

Get out of the way!

A diversion?

A demonstration.

The bug fogger!

Three, two, one.

Works every time.

He's still on!

Get that hook in deeper, Frank!

Let go of my camper!

Stop!

Try to swing him off now, Frank!

I'm swinging!

I'm swinging!

Throw me back!

Ow!

I'm out of season!

Let go of my wheel.

He's running!

He's running!

Owww!

Whoa!

Ah, hey!

Hey, on the road!

Hey!

Get 'em up!

Move 'em back!

Ya! Ya!

Ya!

Yee-haw!

Go! Go!

Go! Catch up to him.

That... that's Ernest up there.

All right, stop him.

- We can't. - Ram him!

- We can't! - This is a...

Mighty Workboy...

company car.

Ernest!

I'm back!

Is that... that's Abner!

That's Abner!

Go around.

Go around! - Go around?

We can't!

Look, the... this thing...

- whatever it is... - its taking up

the whole road.

- Follow me! - Ernest!

Glencliff is right behind me!

What do I do?

Jump the ditch!

I can't do that!

Evil what's-his-name can do it!

Well, I'm not Evil-what's-his-name, am I?

You see that drain pipe?

Crawl out on it.

And I'll snatch you over there like a mail

bag on the Pony Express.

OK, OK, OK.

I can do it if I want to.

I'm just not sure if I want to.

That's all.

Hurry!

I'll try!

I'll get him.

Grab him!

Grab him!

I want him alive!

Dr. Melon!

Dr. Melon!

Hang out on the end!

Know what I mean?

OK, jump as I pass!

We've been through this!

But you can do it this time!

Come on.

Found him!

Abner, get down from there, darling!

It's very dangerous!

Ooh, this is going to hurt.

I'm sure glad this isn't me.

Come on, you can do it!

Rocket fire!

Rocket fire!

He's not going to...

make it.

Oh!

Ugh.

Great form.

Your toes were curled, but I'll still give you...

I did it!

I did it!

What a rush!

I did it!

Oh, for Pete's sake, they're shooting at us.

- Bullets? - Real...

bullets?

Oh!

You hear that?

It's obvious somebody else is joining

the pursuit of the crown.

Tap into Northstar and get me Marabone.

Trigger-happy idiots.

Get in the car!

- Go! - OK!

We did it!

Wow!

For once we've made it!

Oh-ho!

Bandish, you know you're not to contact

us unless absolutely necessary.

We've lost them, sir.

Hmph.

Well, we'll transmit satellite photos of your area

over Taikon 4,000.

Talk to the links.

I don't have to remind you what happens

if the hat is on the wrong cat.

No, sir, you don't.

Bandish, over and out.

England will have a new king.

Well, don't just stand there.

Fix it!

- Look, lady... - this may come...

- as a big surprise... - to you.

- But one cannot fix... - -two flat tires!

Oh!

You two are as worthless as the useless junk you sell!

Do you realize that my husband has found

the Crown Jewels of England?

And he needs me!

But then, that's about loyalty!

And you wouldn't know anything about that!

Would you?!

We know a lot...

about loyalty!

I'm the Mighty Workboy, and I will work...

Hey! - What about...

- our percentage? - Our cut!

What about it?!

Isn't this sweet of you?

Hop in, lady.

Who needs...

- 12%... - when we can have...

100...

percent?

I'm the Mighty Workboy.

And I will work for you.

I do rugs, upholstery, and wash your dishes too.

I'm the Mighty Workboy.

I work the whole day through.

Just plug me in and turn me on and see what I can do.

Hey!

You bet!

You bet!

It really sucks!

Get my helicopter in the air immediately.

Let me know as soon as you spot it.

What... well, it shouldn't be too hard to locate.

It's a giant cannon.

The size of New Jersey!

Now, get moving!

I said, stay on the road.

This is off the road.

There's a difference, Ernest!

Pull the emergency brake!

Wow.

Would you look at that?

Ah!

Uh, don't look.

You'll throw us off balance.

OK now, now, real easy, easy.

Now kinda scooch toward me.

I can't move.

I'm petrified.

Yes you can.

Just kinda scooch.

OK!

OK! OK!

OK! OK!

You looked.

I wasn't looking.

Ah!

Ah!

- You hopped. - Hop?

How can you say that was a hop?

How could I hop on a five-ton cannon

with my underwear in a wedgie?

I told you to scooch and you hopped.

This is a scooch.

This is a hop... - Oh!

Oh! All right!

I'm scooching! I'm scooching!

You're scooching and looking.

I was not looking.

I'm scooching.

You were scooching and looking.

And that counts as a hop.

- Says who? - Says gravity.

Fact.

Ah!

OK, OK, you win!

OK!

Yeah.

OK, OK. - OK.

All right.

I think it's settling.

Now, I'm going to slowly turn, see if I

can safely dismount the cannon.

- OK. - OK?

All right.

All right.

OK.

OK.

Ow!

I'm in the jungle!

Ernest, make this thing stop!

I'm trying to make it stop!

Ow! Jeez!

Ow! Ah!

- Dr. Melon. - What?

Look. Spit on your hands.

Rub them together, and use them like brake shoes.

You need a CAT scan, Ernest.

Dr. Melon, stick your legs in the spokes.

That'll stop us.

You stick your leg in the spokes!

You're the idea man! - I can't.

I've got anti-lock legs.

Ah! - Whoa!

What's happening? - Don't look!

Just duck!

Look, Billings, a ghost cannon can't crash a roadblock now,

can it?

You take me for a bloody fool?

Me?

Now, listen, if your bird can read the serial numbers

of an Iraqi scud missile, it ought

to be able to find a cannon wreaking havoc in traffic!

Well, use another satellite!

It's amazing, isn't it?

Well, I can't believe it. We did it.

We found Goliath.

We found the Crown Jewels.

Well, it's amazing.

What's so amazing?

We're adventurers, aren't we?

True.

I mean like, Bonnie and Clyde, Donald

and Ivana, Wilbur and Mr. Ed.

The stars have aligned.

The planet has tilted.

And the fat lady is on the last three bars.

Oh yeah.

Hey, this isn't half bad.

Just part of the knowledge of the open road.

You know, it may be sad to realize that Nan never

believed the jewels existed. - Yep.

I'll tell you, it's tough on a man's ego

when his life mate doesn't support his life's work.

Yeah.

Mm, may come as a shock to you, but up until this point,

I was afraid.

Yes.

I was afraid.

You know, my... my life just wasn't turning

out the way I expected it to.

But now, Ernest, thanks to your help, we found Goliath.

World's largest cannon, thank you.

And when I get those Crown Jewels in that barrel,

oh boy, the world's going to know that my theory was true.

I can't wait to see the look on their faces.

Oh, just can't wait.

Life is good.

And all because of you, Ernest.

Well, thanks, Dr. Melon.

Oh please, Abner.

Abner.

Abner, yeah.

Well, I... I guess that means we're like,

real buddies now, huh?

Like... like a real team.

Huh, I guess it does.

You got some corn on your shirt.

- Huh? - Gotcha.

Ernest!

I told you never to do that!

No!

No no!

I'm now Dr. Melon to you, mister!

Stop it. Shh.

Shh.

Did you hear that?

NO.

Boy, I sure did.

I'll be right back.

Whoa...

Hey!

Yeah, this was your truck, buddy!

What are you doing...

- Get out of here! - Hey, come on!

Open that door.

Please!

I said get off!

Oh, jeez!

Ernest, you are American ingenuity at its finest.

Batman and Robin ride to glory with the stolen

jewels in tow.

Diamonds are forever, Mr. Bond.

This will.

Yeah.

Yeah, it'll work.

Got him?

Good.

Gentlemen?

Ah, fresh air, birds, the absence of small arms fire.

Yeah, your country life ain't like your city environments.

And the folk out here, they have their way of... well,

lending a fellow citizen a helping hand.

Like that farmer John guy, lending us his tractor.

Then why is he following us?

Oh, exercise, I suppose.

That's why he's wearing those massive jogging boots.

Tractor nappers!

Taikon 4,000 found them.

Lock us in on the coordinates.

Let's go.

Oh no.

Stopped by apple maggots again.

Well, we can turn this thing around, can't we?

Uh-oh.

It's that crazy doctor in the Batmobile.

Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, we're in it now.

We're trapped.

Boy, this is just great.

This is like that John Wayne movie,

when him and Butch Cassidy were surrounded

by all those army guys.

Ernest!

Yeah, see, you're Butch because you

do all the thinking.

And I'm Sundance because well, I'm slightly better looking.

Anyway, they're surrounded by the Mexican army in Bulgaria.

Bolivia. They were in Bolivia.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Bolivia.

They were killed in Bolivia.

Well, maybe they should've stayed in Bulgaria.

Anyway, Butch and the Kid didn't have Goliath.

And we do.

Oh no!

Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, Ernest, please.

You can't be serious.

Its' just like Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie at the Alamo.

Right before Santa Anna rushes in!

- Ernest, you can't. - Sure I can.

I'm always Davy Crockett.

Please, Ernest, please.

Well, surely we can reason with them.

They seem like reasonable people.

Look.

Look, look, they have a nice car and everything.

Faster!

Faster!

You can't reason with the Mexican army.

We don't even speak Bulgarian!

Ernest! Don't!

Please, look, consider the ramifications!

We don't have any ramifications!

All we have is this cannon!

The Jewels!

You'll destroy the Jewels!

Goliath must speak!

No, no! Ernest!

Ernest! Ernest!

Don't please!

Ernest, now, look!

Look!

Use your head for once in your life!

Look, put the fire down!

There they are!

Now you can shoot them.

Be a moving target.

Be a moving target.

Abner, it's us or the jewels.

No!

Stop!

Oh!

Stop the car.

No.

The brakes! The brakes!

Some kick.

It fired.

It fired.

Phil Gunner Worrell, reporting the directive, sir.

The cannonball.

Yep, about a 500-pounder, if I'm any judge of artillery.

And I am.

There were no jewels.

No, but that big mama came smoking

out of there about 500 FPS.

There were no Crown Jewels, Ernest!

This is all your fault!

You've ruined my life!

But I thought you and me were...

Oh, you and me, nothing!

I'm a figure of ridicule, a buffoon!

And none of it would have happened if I hadn't have

joined you in this...

this idiot's adventure.

But I believed in you, Abner.

Oh, get out of my sight.

Never talk to me again.

I'm going home to scrape together

what's left of my life.

But we were Butch and Sundance.

Get in the real world, Ernest.

And keep out of mine.

I mean it.

Luke and Han Solo.

Ren and Stimpy.

Boy, this is just great.

Robin Hood finally finds Little John and what happens?

He runs him out of the Sherwood Forest.

Well, guess I just tried too hard.

I guess I...

I'm just a lone wolf, doomed to travel alone

on the highway of adventure.

Ow.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! God!

Ow!

I don't believe this.

What is this?

It weighs 600 pounds.

As Indiana approaches and reaches

for his sacred prize, all his senses are attuned to the power

that it brings.

As he unearths his treasure, the entire focus

of the civilized world is trained on this moment.

Stand back you groveling minions.

And prepare to meet your sovereign.

Abner! Abner!

Abner!

I haven't seen anything like this since the Bay of Pigs.

Hey, Abner!

I found 'em!

I found the Crown Jewels!

They were in the secret compartment!

They weren't in the barrel!

They were in the barrel.

The keg barrel!

Abner!

Hey, Abner!

Gentlemen.

Abner!

Come back!

Your entire life's work has achieved its purpose!

Look, Abner!

I'm wearing the Crown of England right on my...

head.

Just uh, trying it on to see if it fits.

You know, king for a day and all that.

Nothing like a little royalty to boost a guy's ego.

Know what I mean?

Well, just a moment.

I'll... I'll pop this thing right off and give it to you.

Yes, sir.

No problem.

Oh.

Get it off of him.

Ow!

Oh, God, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, ow!

Ah! Ah!

- Me turn. - Ugh!

Ugh! Ugh!

- Ow. - Push!

Oh, push!

We've wasted enough time.

We'll take him to the clinic.

I'm the Mighty Workboy

and I will work for you.

That's the chaps who were with Melon's wife.

Assemble the unit.

Wash your dishes too.

Abner.

Oh!

Turtledove!

Are you all right?

Oh, you look a mess.

There's a wittle bwuise.

Let nammy-nam make 'em all better.

There.

I saw that Ernest riding that cannon thing.

And you were chasing right after it.

And I thought to myself, my widdle baby's

going to get a boo-boo.

Was that the thing you were looking for, dear?

Yes, Nan, that's the thing.

Well, let's take those troublesome jewels,

put them in the back of the truck,

and I'll just make all the press arrangements.

You know, I will have to have a new outfit if I'm

going to be on "Donahue."

Tell me I'm pretty.

You're pretty.

Oh, this is so exciting.

My little Abner's found the Crown Jewels of England.

Gimme a kiss.

No we didn't.

What?

We didn't find any jewels, Nan.

You didn't find any jewels?

That's what I said.

You know, this has that Ernest written all over it.

It is a complete mystery to me how

you can even stand to be in the same room

with that inane redneck.

I just don't understand it, Abner.

He embarrassed you, not to mention

me, at Dr. Glencliff's clinic.

More to the point, he has now caused you to lose your job.

Now, what on God's green earth has

that Ernest ever done for you?

A lot!

Oh really?

Really.

As a matter of fact, he's changed my life.

Well, I'm sorry, darling.

I just don't see it.

Abner...

Clear enough for you now, baby?

Yeah.

A hubba hubba.

Ooh.

Ernest!

They got him.

Wait.

Listen, shouldn't you guys have those little paper

masks on so your bad breath won't give me any infections?

Ow!

I wouldn't worry about infection.

No, of course not.

I've got medical insurance with an 800-number and everything.

Cranial bone saw.

Have you been a good blood donor?

Oh, not as good as I should be, I suppose.

You're about to catch up.

Oh, um, don't I get an anesthetic, like an aspirin

or a bullet to bite?

Hold his head still.

Modern anesthetic has been used successfully in operating

theaters since the early 1840s.

And who are we to scoff at the success of modern medicine?

How about a couple of games of golf to kind of, you know,

loosen this up a bit.

Ow.

Oh... ahh!

Whew.

I'm glad it was the hard end.

I don't believe this.

Whoa!

Ah!

Ow!

Get back!

I'll call the cops!

Ah!

Leave me alone!

Stop it!

Oh no you guys don't!

Stop!

Those jewels...

have got to be around here...

somewhere.

Look!

The stretch limo.

Get up.

Get up. Get up.

Worrell!

I'm going to gut you like a dead fish.

It's demolition derby night at the fairgrounds.

And reverse is the gear of choice.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, kids eat free.

Oh no!

Time out.

King's X. Safeties.

Uh... ah... ah...

Ah!

Boy, this baby really sucks dirt.

And scum.

I'll kill you!

Hold him back...

further.

Well, I... I think that that concludes our uh...

dem... dem-demonstration.

Of the...

M-M-Mighty Workboy h... h... home cleaning system.

Um... I am Mighty Workboy.

Oh!

I do upholstery

and wash your dishes too.

I will work... for... you.

Ow!

Ouch.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Oh, sorry. Sorry about...

- Oh! - Oh!

Sorry! Sorry.

Excuse me! Sorry, pardon me.

Pardon me.

Oh.

Where is he?

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ew.

Need a good doctor?

Come on, we can get this crown off.

I know we can. Let's be creative.

Hold still.

We haven't even tried Mrs. Butterworth's.

Hold still.

There we go.

Ah.

Or olive oil.

Or automatic transmission fluid.

Or lip gloss.

Lip gloss, you...

Ha!

Moving target.

Moving target.

You can't hit a moving target.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hurry. Hurry.

Step right up.

Three shots for $1.

For the little girl.

You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

Hey you.

Stop.

You got some ID?

I'm Dr. Abner Melon.

I'm here to see Dr. Radner Glencliff.

He... he uh... he wants to buy this off me for $100,000.

Can you imagine?

Go figure.

Hey, I didn't say you could pass.

Oh, uh, when dealing with items of such rare antiquity,

it's best to go right on through.

I don't know nothing about that.

Now blow.

But surely you know the danger of taking...

I'm done talking with you.

Now, beat it, pipsqueak.

Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help

but admire that marvelous uniform you're wearing.

And I was wondering, is that a Wilson whistle?

Ran out of bullets, didn't you, doc?

I'll tear your head off with my bare hands!

Ow!

Ow!

Old football injury, huh?

Oh no, I'm Bigfoot.

Wait a minute!

You wrecked my limo, ruined my cranial bone saw.

You're tearing your rug.

And worst of all, demolished my mummy.

Aren't you forgetting the Hippocratic Oath?

Weren't those axes outlawed in Geneva?

Hold on, Ernest.

I'm coming.

You dear, sweet man.

What happened?

- He caught me off guard. - Oh dear.

Tell me, which way to Dr. Glencliff's office?

It's in the rear of the building.

But you're not allowed...

Oh, but I think I am.

There we go.

Oh!

I should have got the crown off

like this in the first place.

Wait a minute.

Has that thing been sterilized?

No!

The dog ate my homework!

My foot's asleep!

I've got to go to the bathroom!

I haven't had a vaccination!

Don't kill me!

Don't kill me!

Don't kill me!

Yes!

Ernest, are you OK?

Are you all right?

Oh, whoa.

Well, that Dr. Glencliff is sure lucky

I didn't use the Worrell death grip.

Uh-huh.

Look at the crown.

And the jewels!

Just look at it!

Unbelievable!

My theory is true!

We did it!

We did it!

Feels good, doesn't it?

Uh-huh.

Ernest, you take that crown off this instant

and you give it to my Abner.

You know, you are always trying to take credit

for something you didn't do.

Nan, cool it, baby.

Although those sapphires really do bring out your eyes.

Hey, hunk of burnin' love.

Ernest and I are going to rewrite history, Nan.

I don't think so.

Her Majesty's Secret Service is here to return the Jewels

to their rightful home.

The crown, please.

Well, it won't budge.

Believe me, we've all tried.

It won't come off.

Well then, by the laws of Great Britain, he who

wears the crown shall be kind.

Oh no, no, I don't take well to responsibility.

And besides, I'd... I'd have to learn the language.

Know what I mean?

I'm going to miss you, buddy.

Hey, what's that's on your shirt?

- I hate it when you do that! - Hey!

Let go of my head! - Noogie.

No noogies! Time out!

No time out!

King's X then!

No!

No King's X!

Time out, King's X counts as a scooch!

What?

I wasn't scooching! I was hopping!

You were scooching and looking

and that counts as a hop!

Give me a second!

You said that counted as a schooch!

OK, Vern, I'm going to explain this one more time.

It's my new movie, "Ernest Goes to School."

And it's a whole lot of fun.

And here's my locker and... and the football team,

and cafeteria food.

And Vern, they actually let me handle some real books.

Vern, have you got any more chalk?

That's OK.

I'll just use this pen.

See, what we're...

Oh.

Oh, doesn't that sound awful?

It kind of reminds you of this.

Know what I mean?