Original subtitles

[ominous music]

[whipping]

[crow caws]

[tense music]

[ominous music]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[VCR clatters]

[foreboding music]

10, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two, one.

[static hisses]

[Officer] This is an important bust.

We need it after Slater fucked up that raid

at the strip club.

Say hi, Gary.

Hi, Gary.

[Officer] First drug raid, Gary?

Yeah.

We're coming up!

I'll make the announcement when we get inside!

Police, search warrant, don't move, show me your hands!

Lab says that goopy shit from the van

is a monster of a compound.

So what?

Do you shoot it, slurp it, or sniff it?

Well, we're about to find out.

Let's assume it's very fucking potent

and highly addictive!

Well we all saw what it did to that girl.

[heavy rock music]

Let's roll out!

[dog barks]

Listen up.

Get down means get fucking down.

10-26 means crime in progress,

and 29-9 means erase the fucking tape.

[Petro] Hey, you stay with me.

Running out, going in!

- [officers shout] - Police, search warrant!

[alarm rings] Police, search warrant!

- Police! - Police, search warrant!

Police, police! [police radio chatters]

- Search warrant! - Coming up on your left.

- Search warrant! - Don't fucking shoot!

- Search warrant! - We're taking the lead!

[Slater] Get the fuck back!

- Low to the left! - Damn it!

[Slater] Where are these fucks?

[Petro] Oursler, Slater, check in.

- Search warrant! - We're seeing planes here.

These guys could be heavier-armed than we thought.

[Slater] Keep this channel clear,

you fucking professional!

[jingle chimes]

[Woman] All are welcome.

All are watching.

Finally, followers,

tonight is the night you've been waiting for.

Track my signal.

- The signal is the stimulant. - Clear!

- The signal is the sedative. - Clear!

[Woman] The signal is salvation.

[Officer] What the hell is that smell?

- Forever starts right now. - Birkhorn, don't move!

Hands in the air, motherfucker.

Fuck.

Oh, those fucking eyes.

[Officer] Hey, I know this guy.

He owns the video store on my block.

[Nash] This is Brayberry, we founds some

of that goopy shit from the videotape.

We've also got a 419, could be self-inflicted.

- Police, first squad! - Police!

[foreboding music]

[Oursler] Are you gonna keep crying, Slater,

or are you gonna find me some drugs in there?

Police, search warrant!

[Spivy] Slater, we've got bodies!

Maybe get another tac unit on standby.

[tense music]

This is a crime scene, do not touch anything.

Don't fuck with my scene, Slater!

Slater, let's keep moving.

Got a lot of building to clear.

We'll take the upper level.

[Gary] Hey, I don't think that girl

from the videotape is in here.

It's an information superhighway that spans the globe,

and it is called internet,

or just the net to frequent users.

Today millions of Americans have personal computers

and can access the net for a modest monthly fee.

I think I'll stick to my telephone for now.

[chuckles]

And in local news, a number of Westerville residents

have come forward with stories of a mysterious figure

they're calling the Rat Man.

Sounds like a superhero, Camille.

[chuckles] That is no superhero I'd want to meet, Mark.

Eyewitnesses have said that this man or man-animal hybrid

lives in the sewers and comes out at night,

but if you shine a light directly at it,

it suddenly disappears.

Channel Six's Holly Marciano has more.

Is he an urban legend?

Or is there really a creature of unknown origin

lurking within the sewers?

I was just out here taking a walk at night

and I heard it making noises down there.

And it looked up at me like a...

A fucking clown.

[Holly] This amateur sketch resembles what many of you say

the Rat Man looks like.

Almost everyone has come up with their own theories

and explanations for the image.

Yeah, my theory is the dude's from the fucking prison

in Athens for like the criminally insane.

That's where my cousin went.

Yeah, her crazy-ass cousin was in there,

so he's like an escaped mental case.

Oh, and he lives in the sewer so that nobody can find him.

[bell tolls]

Well, I believe it's a sign from Jesus.

It's time for sinners and elitists

to get what's coming to them.

[Holly] Mm-hm.

So tell me, where did you first see him?

Right there.

Behind me, that's where I saw him.

Right there.

Okay, we're done.

Thank you for your service.

Fucking last time I need to be in this forest.

[Jeff] We could have picked an easier path, you know.

There are no paths.

[Jeff] Yeah.

So do you want more B-roll of the forest?

No, we have all kinds of footage

of the forest and the mouth of the drain.

Jesus, Barry, what, what does he want us to do,

walk through raw sewage?

No, I'm not being dramatic, I just...

Yeah.

Yep, no problem.

Okay.

[phone beeps]

[Jeff] Looking a little stressed.

You wanna get a drink afterwards?

- Jeff? - Yeah?

- Fuck you. - Copy that.

[Jeff mutters angrily]

This is the remarkable story of the Rat Man,

- Westerville's very own... - He said he might want it

from inside the drain, though, right?

Yeah.

I mean, it's a health hazard, look at it.

[Jeff] Where is it?

That guy's creepy.

Yeah, let's get out of his eye line.

This is the remarkable story of the Rat Man,

Westerville's very own Loch Ness monster.

It's a mystery that can only be told

inside the cavernous tunnels beneath our feet.

I'm Holly Marciano, Channel Six News.

[eerie scraping]

Construction?

- Let's go again. - Yeah, going again.

Hang on, just gotta get focus.

And, all right.

This is the remarkable story of the Rat Man,

Westerville's very own Loch Ness monster.

- It's a myst... - Uh, the hell is that?

Are you even, what are you doing?

[Jeff] No, no, no, there's someone there.

- Seriously. - Oh my god.

I don't have the time for these shenanigans,

can you with me about something else?

[Jeff] Gimme a sec, Holly, just hold on.

Hello?

[clears throat] Excuse me.

Oh man, are you fucking kidding?

[Jeff groans]

[Holly] What is it?

[Jeff] I don't know.

Ah.

Yeah, it's just a bunch of junk.

You think kids live down here?

[Jeff] I don't know if you'd call this living,

but yeah, I mean, it's possible.

Jesus Christ.

You know, we are the richest country in the world

and we treat people like this.

It's shameful.

We should record more of this.

Right, evidence of what it's like

to actually live down here.

[Jeff] Wow, you are really selling this, Holly.

Don't be a dick.

I'm serious, this is a good story.

[Jeff] Don't you have an AA meeting?

Fuck, I don't want to sit around

and talk about my fucking drinking problem, okay?

Don't you want to do something

that will make a difference, Jeff?

That will like, I don't know, help people?

[Jeff] Help you get your Pulitzer, right?

This is what we're talking about.

Holly!

- Holly! - Come!

I need your light.

[Jeff] Ah, fuck.

[Holly] Come on.

[foreboding music]

What are you doing? [Holly shushes]

[Jeff] What?

What's going on?

I think someone's here.

Come on.

[eerie hissing]

[Jeff] Holy shit.

Check, look behind you, check.

This must be where he lives.

[Jeff] Okay, so let's,

I don't think we should be messing with this right now.

We don't have to mess with anything,

just get some footage.

[roaring] [Jeff screams]

[Jeff moans] Jeff, Jeff, Jeff...

[Jeff] Let's get the fuck out of here.

- Just calm down, calm down. - No, no, no, no.

Take a deep breath.

I'm not, fuck. [Holly shushes]

fuck, is that him?

[Holly] It's okay, just take a deep breath, all right?

We didn't come this far to get nothing.

Just take a deep breath, let me get your camera.

It's okay.

[Jeff] Okay.

- Give me a sec. - Okay, good?

[Jeff] Yeah, just give me a sec.

Okay.

[Jeff] I'm ready, do you see him?

Yeah.

[shushes] Just relax.

Hi.

Hello.

We didn't mean to scare you.

We're, we're friends, we just...

We wanna ask you just a couple of questions.

Is that okay?

Okay, I'm gonna come a little bit closer.

Okay, okay.

Can I ask you what your name is?

Bill.

Bill.

It's really nice to meet you, Bill.

I'm Holly, and that's Jeff.

Do you have a last name, Bill?

Are there other people that live down here with you?

Raatma.

[Holly] I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

Did you say Rat Man?

Are, are you the Rat Man, Bill?

Okay, uh...

[foreboding music]

Thank you.

I'm going to leave you my business card,

- right here. - Holly!

I'd love to follow up... [loud growling]

[Holly screams] [creature shrieks]

Holly, Holly...

Holly?

Holly!

Fuck this, I'm out, I'm out of here.

[Jeff screams]

[static hisses]

[distorted voices]

[foreboding music]

[Holly moans]

What...

What the...

[gasps]

Oh my god!

What?

What, I don't know

what you want with...

There are...

There are people that can help you,

that can get you on your feet, okay?

I'm actually doing a story on you.

To show people that...

That you're just, you're just...

You're normal, just you need some help,

and I can help you.

Okay, I can...

If you just let me, I can help you, okay?

Just let me help you.

- How? - And I can help...

How would you help?

I wanted to tell their stories.

I would tell their stories to the public.

- Oh. - I would help you.

That's a very generous offer,

but we're gonna tell our own story.

- Jeff? - Holly?

- Jeff, Jeff? - Holly!

Jeff!

Stop, stop! [Jeff whimpers]

[Raatma screeches]

No, turn that light off, you're scaring him.

Come on.

Come on.

That's it, come on.

[Raatma shrieks]

[Jeff whimpers]

In the name of Raatma.

[Jeff screams] [skin sizzles]

No, no!

Please, no, no!

Help me, please, no!

- Please, no! - I thought you were

gonna do one of your little news stories on us.

No, please.

Now you might not realize it yet,

but you are witnessing the beginning of a new era.

Only the righteous shall rise.

Your friend wasn't worthy, but you, who knows?

For all of your sins, you could be saved.

No!

No, please, please!

No! [Raatma shrieks]

- No, please! - Give me that.

It's time to see if you're welcome in the new world.

[Raatma growls] [Holly whimpers]

It's not for me to answer evil for evil.

We leave that to the wrath of our new god.

[Holly sobs] [Raatma shrieks]

Please, no, god!

[Raatma screeches]

[Holly screams]

Why, God?

[static buzzes]

Compression technology.

The Veggie Masher turns your ordinary drab vegetables

into a tasty, mouthwatering paste in mere seconds.

Just mash and enjoy.

With the Veggie Masher from Wonder Health,

you can finally unleash the full vitamin

and nutrient potential of carrots,

broccoli, peppers, peas.

So why wait?

Call this toll-free number and order now.

The Veggie Masher from Wonder Health,

a subsidiary of Mega Tech Pharmaceuticals.

[dramatic music]

Now I am very glad to have our wonderful coworker

Holly Marciano with us following her incredible rescue

after she got trapped in a storm drain.

- [police siren wails] - Okay, come on.

Come on, give me your hand.

[Holly grunts]

Gripping stuff.

And as I'm sure our viewers are by now aware,

we are very sad to report that cameraman Jeff Wohl

has yet to be found.

But Holly, we are so happy to have you back.

Thank you, Mark, it's good to be back.

It's the first day of fall,

and there's no better way to kick off the season

than with Westerville's 94th annual pumpkin festival.

People are already lining up to Raatma the hay rides,

apple Raatma, and of course,

to see who will be crowned the festival's largest Raatma.

[groaning]

Okay, why don't we cut to commercial...

[Holly spits] Jesus fucking Christ!

[crew members scream]

[skin sizzles] [Mark screams]

[door opens]

And in sports news,

Ohio state plays the Indiana Hoosiers tomorrow night.

Good luck to our Buckeyes.

I'm Holly Marciano, Channel Six News.

Hail Raatma.

[emergency tone blares]

[Petro] These super labs can be booby-trapped,

proceed with caution.

[Nash] Could be no one left alive in here.

[Slater] You feeling in over your head, Nash?

[Nash] Mind your own fucking head, Slater.

[eerie organ music]

[Spivy] I've got people, there's people in here.

[Slater] Blue Team, we've got more DBs.

Room full of bodies.

[Spivy] Fuck me, I'm calling for backup.

No, not yet, let's find the others.

Hey Slater, what's your 10-20?

[Slater] Fuck if I know.

Oursler and I got fucking separated.

Could be these bitches are barricaded or got tipped off.

Stay where you are.

You know, if this thing ever makes the news,

and they ask for an interview,

I can do it, I got a face for TV.

[static crackles]

[somber choral music]

[Hailey] So with these memorial videos,

isn't it usually just like home movies?

We record our services from time to time.

You haven't yet met the family of the deceased, have you?

They are, well, the main point is

we never question the request of the client.

Grief is a personal matter.

If the bereaved family wants to include footage

of the wake in their memorial video, we are happy to oblige.

I assume they're paying extra for this.

That also, yes.

Hand me the battery.

I've got it to program for the cameras as well,

so make sure you keep this in CD mode,

otherwise you'll eject a tape

in the middle of someone's eulogy.

- Ready to go? - Yeah, I parked out front.

The wake's going to begin at nine, so I would suggest

- you open the doors... - Yeah, I already know.

- Why's the casket crooked? - Hm?

I didn't place it like that.

You know I didn't go near it.

Maybe I bumped it.

Whatever.

Oh, Jesus, that's heavy.

Well he was a big boy.

Parts of him that were left, anyway.

Ronald, he's joking, right?

The deceased was in a severe accident.

It is a closed casket wake.

- Yeah, I knew that, but... - Don't worry.

I was more or less able to get him back

into his original shape.

Pity about his face and head.

But the family wanted him to put back together,

and aside from that top part, I'd say it's pretty good work.

But don't take my word for it,

why don't you have a look for yourself?

You're gonna do great, Hailey.

I'll be in early tomorrow morning to relieve you,

so if anything serious comes up, give me a call.

And if it doesn't, don't wake me up.

[somber organ music]

[Hailey] Yes, I was just about to switch out the tapes,

but I feel dumb recording myself just sitting here.

I'm standing.

[Ronald] Call me if anything serious came up.

Nothing happening, it's not serious.

It's a wake, he's not going anywhere.

Maybe they got caught in the storm,

or maybe nobody liked the guy.

Okay, okay, sorry.

[somber organ music]

[thunder rumbles]

Hey Sharon, it's me.

I know it's late, but if you're up,

give me a call it the funeral home.

No one's here and I'm working all night,

and I had a quick question for you.

Bye.

[eerie organ music]

[casket creaks]

[thudding]

[phone rings]

Hello?

I mean, Jensen Funeral Home.

Hey, Sharon, yeah.

Your mom still saves the newspaper, right?

No, I...

No, that's fine.

Listen, would you mind checking the obituary page

in the last few issues for a guy named Andrew Edwards?

This is weird, but I'm supposed

to be hosting his wake tonight, and I...

Something like that.

Basically, just in the past week.

Yeah.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Bye.

[somber music]

[thunder cracks]

[thunder cracks]

Shit, shit.

[rain patters]

[door closes]

It's crooked?

[knocks]

[grunts]

[thudding] [Holly yelps]

I am fucking telling you he's alive in there.

He fucking moved, I heard it.

[Ronald] I promise you, he is very dead, Hailey.

If you can't handle one under-attended wake...

Hang on, here's Tim.

[Tim] Hailey, kid, I assure you that body in that casket

is not capable of moving.

All those stories about people waking up

are just urban legends.

It's just gas is escaping

or one of the other hundred chemical processes

that can happen with embalmed remains in the first 96.

We talked about this.

[Hailey] Gas is escaping.

[Tim] It's just you there, right?

So go crack the lid and take a peek.

Seriously, I mean it, Ronnie and I will stay on the line

and you'll see it's just a person's remains.

Might look a little gross,

but that's all it is, and you'll feel better.

Hailey?

No, you're right.

It's just the remains settling, I know that.

Sorry, Tim.

[Tim] It's okay, kid.

But don't call here again tonight or Ron will fire you.

Goodnight.

[thunder rumbles]

[knocking] [gasps]

[door opens]

[man chats]

[Man] This is Andrew's wake, no?

Yes, yes.

My gosh, I am so sorry, wait one second.

We had a power outage, so...

[thunder rumbles]

We met with a man before, an old fellow.

He's not here tonight?

Oh, you must mean Ronald, he's the manager.

He'll be in tomorrow for the funeral services itself,

but I was given the responsibility of the wake.

Doesn't matter.

Of course, I understand very few could make it up

in this storm.

There's a tornado watch, something like this.

I listen to the weather.

May I?

My gosh, yes.

Here.

Are you family, or...

[man groans]

[speaking foreign language]

[Man] Thank you very much.

Oh, do you need anything else?

[Man] No, I paid my respects in full.

[door closes]

[somber organ music]

[phone rings]

Janssen Funeral Home.

[Sharon] Hey, sorry, I totally passed out.

Don't sweat it, it's cool.

No one showed up to this wake tonight.

It's been kind of creepy,

so I wanted to know the deal with the dead guy,

but someone finally visited, so now it's not as strange.

[Sharon] Really, someone showed up?

What were they like?

Why?

I went and flipped through the Tribune

for Andrew Edwards like you said,

but I didn't need to look in the obituaries.

He was on the front page.

- [thunder cracks] - What?

[Sharon] Andrew Edwards is the name of the guy

who jumped off the roof of that church down in Haysburg.

You heard about that, right?

He was on the roof for an hour shouting crazy gibberish,

and then he hit the concrete steps

right as families were beginning to show up for...

[Hailey] Hello, Sharon?

[thudding] [Hailey gasps]

Hello? [clattering]

[thudding]

[banging] [Hailey yelps]

[casket thuds]

What?

[thunder cracks]

[tornado siren wails]

Mr. Edwards?

Mr. Edwards, you've been in an accident, okay?

And there was...

There's some kind of a mistake at the morgue...

[Andrew snarls] [Hailey screams]

He can't see me.

[Andrew gurgles]

[Hailey screams]

[Andrew growls]

[thunder cracks]

[camera beeps]

[Andrew growls]

[tornado sirens wail]

[rumbling]

[Andrew shrieks]

[Hailey screams]

[wind whistles]

[Nash] Petro, we're on the move, where are you?

[static crackles]

[Spivy] We're fucking lost in here.

Oh god, there's that smell again.

It's worse than dead bodies.

This is not the same staircase.

[foreboding music]

Watch your step, there's something on the floor.

[static buzzes]

What the fuck is that?

Petro, where the fuck are you?

We've got another 419, definitely not self-inflicted.

We don't need more tech, we need a gravedigger!

[Nash] We're gonna need more than just one gravedigger.

This is gonna get nastier.

[Spivy] Petro!

Oursler!

Fucking radio isn't working.

[Spivy] Petro, Oursler!

[Slater] All officers check in right fucking now!

With radio interference, this channel is not stable.

We have to find an exit right now.

[jingle chimes]

[Woman] All are welcome.

All are watching.

Finally, followers,

tonight is the night you've been waiting for.

Track my signal.

The signal is the stimulant.

The signal is the sedative.

The signal is salvation.

Forever starts right now.

[electricity buzzes]

[shouts in pain]

[doctor chuckles]

[speaking foreign language]

[static hisses]

[machine beeps]

[speaking foreign language]

[saw whirs]

[speaking foreign language]

[man grunts]

[man screams]

[muffled breathing]

[static hisses]

[heart thumps] [machine beeps]

[machinery warbles]

[speaking foreign language]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[static buzzes]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[sings in foreign language]

[breathing heavily]

[speaking foreign language]

[machinery warbles]

[saw whirs]

[static crackles] [machinery whirs]

[speaking foreign language]

[torch crackles]

[speaking foreign language]

[men shout]

[machinery warbles]

[static buzzes]

[speaking foreign language]

[drill whirs]

[grunting]

[S.A. whimpers]

[static crackles]

[speaking foreign language]

[pounding]

[speaking foreign language]

[guns cock]

[guns fire]

[speaking foreign language]

[Jono yelps]

[speaking foreign language]

[Jono gags]

[Jono yelps]

[speaking foreign language]

[machinery warbles]

[S.A. wails]

[speaking foreign language]

[S.A. wails]

[alarm buzzes]

[gun fires]

[machines beep]

[explosion booms]

[speaking foreign language]

[soldiers whimper]

[speaking foreign language]

[doctor laughs maniacally]

[Jono whimpers]

[creature growls] [man screams]

[tense music]

[Jono yelps]

[guns fire] [speaking foreign language]

[Jono cries]

[creature growls]

[gun fires]

[speaking foreign language]

[soldier shouts]

[grenade explodes] [static buzzes]

[S.A. gasps]

[foreboding music]

[creature roars] [man yelps]

[creature growls]

[thudding]

[men shout] [guns fire]

[S.A. shouts]

[slicing] [man shouts in pain]

[thudding footsteps]

[S.A. moans in fear]

[speakers crackle]

[screams]

[Girl] Hello.

Hello.

[speaking foreign language]

Hey!

Hello. [S.A. whimpers]

[heart thumps]

[machine beeps]

[foreboding music]

[speaking foreign language]

[gun cocks] [speaking foreign language]

[gun fires]

[tense music]

[gun whirs]

[speaking foreign language]

[gun fires] [man screams]

[suspenseful music]

[man shouts]

[gun fires] [S.A. screams]

[man shouts] [gun fires]

[man shouts]

[speaking foreign language]

[static crackles]

[gun whirs]

[grenade explodes]

[S.A. breathes heavily]

[footsteps approach]

[S.A. gasps] [gun clicks]

[speaking foreign language]

[man shouts]

[Jono whimpers]

[speaking foreign language]

[Jono coughs] [gun whirs]

[Commander shouts in foreign language]

[gun fires]

[Jono yelps]

[gun clicks]

[screams in rage]

[growls]

[laughs maniacally]

[gun fires]

[speaking foreign language]

[footsteps thud]

[machinery whirs] [S.A. gasps]

[Jono whimpers]

[creature growls]

[Jono screams]

[creature shrieks]

[static crackles]

[birds chirp]

[Gary] I, I thought you promised no one would get hurt.

Oh, Gary.

Someone always gets hurt.

[Slater] What the fuck is going on in there?

If you cannot clear the fucking place,

then get the fuck out of there now!

Forever starts right now.

[static buzzes]

Is Spivy here with you, Nash?

He got separated.

Haven't laid eyes on him.

I want to get the fuck out of here.

[foreboding music]

Spivy?

Spivy.

Spivy, Oursler!

Spivy?

Spivy!

Fucking hate this place.

Spivy, come in.

Brayberry.

Fisher.

Fucking anybody, come in!

[Petro] Try not to lose your head, Slater.

[rhythmic tone blares]

[static buzzes] [alarms ring]

[chatting]

Attention!

[men chat]

[Victim] Oh god!

No, no.

No.

[man whimpers]

No.

No.

God, no, please.

[Bob] I'm rolling.

Okay, ready?

You can go.

Happy shall he be that taketh and dashest

thy little ones against the stone.

[whimpers]

[gun fires]

[Bob] Yep, cool.

America is plagued by a black cancer

that has been allowed to rot this once great land

from within for far too long.

We, the last decent men of America,

are the true patriots who have given blood oaths

to defend our way of life.

We will take back America.

Its rapists will be put down in the gutter.

We will put boots to them and squash this mongrel horde

like the rats they are. [shouting]

We, the First Patriots Movement Militia, are coming for you.

Our time of mass cleansing is at hand.

And with this weapon

that Christ himself in his infinite wisdom

has seen fit to bestow upon us,

we have become likened unto a righteous fist of justice

that will smite the wickedness from the face of this earth!

- Yeah! - The United States

- of Fuckdom will fall! - Yeah!

By god! [men cheer]

[guns fire]

Bob, what do I, I got it on standby.

Now do I just press the button?

[Bob] Press the red button.

Just press it, okay.

I don't wanna press, I don't wanna fuck it up.

[Bob] Let's go, let's go, let's go, roll, roll, roll!

Business, business time.

Jesus fuck!

Thanks for the puddle, Steve.

Do you copy, we got a dash on this building.

Looks like a security entrance to the east side.

Employee parking lot, and it's not open today,

but guarantee on the day it's gonna be open.

[Greg] Copy that.

I'm looking at...

Got one security camera.

Two security camera, three, four.

We got definitely two X-ray analyzers in the lobby,

and maybe a retinal scan.

I'll try to get some codes, but if I don't, shit, guys.

That was final.

[groans]

- Good job, good job. - Good job.

Okay.

We can maybe walk the beast in,

but I don't think they're open until well after sun's out.

[Bob] Does the front of the building even get sunlight?

If we miss our weather window now,

we're not gonna get sunlight for a few months, Bob.

[Bob] No, no, no, no, we have to go now.

[Jimmy] Maybe a bit drastic.

We have to go in there and hit them up

when the building's full up, okay?

[Man] Hell yeah.

They got a daycare.

They got a daycare.

Okay, um, pull out.

Oh shit, front door it is.

You know, at least the street runs past there, right?

[Bob] Oh, hang on a moment here, Commandant, the...

[Greg] Via loading dock.

Oh, it's the maintenance entrance,

my cousin can get us the passcode.

Oh, nice, and the sun is there most of the day, too.

[chuckles]

Well, gentlemen, this is where we roll in

and we detonate the abomination.

[alarm rings]

[gun cocks]

[man whimpers]

[gun fires]

Good shot.

[Man] Tower one to eagle's nest.

[Greg] Go for eagle's nest.

Package has landed.

[Greg] Copy that, tower one.

Hope you weren't waiting long.

Work as much, but there's plenty of it.

Greg.

Gotta say, you boys don't fool around.

I'm very impressed with the security here.

Dam right, we're tight as a fucking drum, all right?

Shut the fuck up, Jimmy, you're out of order.

My bad, sorry, Commandant.

Well trained soldiers you got there, Greg.

It's Air Commandant when we're in uniform.

Copy that, Air Commandant.

Now your unit may be a well-regulated militia.

[men laugh]

But you ain't nowhere near well armed enough

for the very necessary fight you've got coming your way.

My god, this is making my fucking dick hard.

[Bob] This is making all our dicks hard.

[Jimmy] Yeah, Bob, I can see it from here.

This will be more than enough

to hold off whatever authorities come at you after the op.

Now if those Waco numbnuts

would have had half this hardware on hand,

ATF would still be out there getting chewed up.

Bet you these were just drinking up

- that fucking Iraqi blood, huh? - Oh fuck yeah!

Fucking Desert Storm!

Oy, desert buttfuck, Talon!

No one at the police station

saw you taking any of this stuff?

Nope.

How's that?

We got friends everywhere.

You know it.

Especially with a grease stain like Clinton

in the White House. [man laughs]

Lots of cops are ready for you patriots

to take the feds down, hard.

[Bob] Could you say something, Air Commandant,

about how momentous this moment is for the cause?

With the weapons and all.

Cut.

This is but a earthly arsenal.

Well met, fellow warrior.

This man here...

This man heard Wu Tan's clarion call to action

and he did his part.

He hath armed us for conflict sure to come

after the heroic act that we have all given blood oath

to undertake.

We will topple the Patrick V. McNamara Federal Building

in the infested cesspit of Detroit, Michigan.

- Fuck yeah. - Fucking right.

[Man] And you're certain the weapon works?

The creature?

Of course.

[Man] So you tested it?

[alarm rings]

Someone turn off that fucking bell!

- There. - Please, no.

Please.

Please.

Please.

[gun fires]

Jimmy.

[Jimmy] Bucket.

[Man] Come on, take that bit.

[Greg] Don't get any on you,

you don't know what that shit's gonna do to your scent.

Yeah, drain him.

[Jimmy] Come on, bitch.

Yeah, here we go.

That's probably good enough.

- [coyotes howl] - Pretty cool eyes.

This one looks pretty cool.

[Bob] Kinda evil looking.

Oh shit, those coyotes?

[Bob] Yeah.

Okay, let's do this.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Okay, Phoebe, this is the good stuff.

This is to redeem the soul of the goddamn US of A.

- Oh yeah. - You understand me?

Okay, get this for posterity, can you focus this?

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay, let's get that.

- Got it? - Let's do this, yeah.

Creature blood going in, three, two, one.

[Bob] Say something, Air Commandant,

on what we're doing here.

Well, uh, I got to thinking, Bob,

that it would probably be a good idea

to test the ultimate weapon before we're fully committed

and running the mission.

[Bob] Smart, really smart.

[Man] What's taking him so...

Oh shit.

Shit, here we go, here we go, here we go.

Run, boy, the sun is coming up!

Everyone down, down!

What in the actual fuck?

- Jimmy! - What?

It's probably blocked by the tree or something!

Get in there, don't be such a fucking...

[explosion booms]

[coughs]

[Man] Fucking Christ.

[coughs violently]

[Jimmy] First martyrs of the cause, baby!

- It happened, it worked! - It's gone!

- What'd you say? - It's gone!

- What? - Phoebe!

- It's gone! - It works!

[laughs] [men cheer]

[Man] Fuck you!

Yeah!

[Jimmy] This fucking smoke!

[alarm rings]

[gun fires]

All right, I give the go-ahead, and...

And fucking boom!

Um...

Fuck, Chuck, one second.

- Fuck. - Sorry, sorry.

They have to all go down at the same time,

- otherwise these fucking... - Sensor's just not

fucking going, Greg, I don't know what's going on.

[Greg] Well then you go and you get the part tomorrow.

Guess what, we're going the day after now.

[Jimmy] Fuck!

Nothing can be left to chance,

we are stepping onto the world stage here.

God in his infinite wisdom has given us a boon for the ages.

A metaphysical super weapon, living destruction.

I will not let Christ the King down.

We must do his good work with honor!

Yes, sir.

Well it looks like it's one more day

until the fall of the unholy American Empire.

But tonight,

tonight we will send off proper.

We will cleanse ourselves before the retribution.

We will get cork high and bottle deep!

We're gonna get fucking wasted.

Yeah! [men cheer]

All right, yeah!

- Fucking... - Commandant's private stash!

Oh, get it! [men whooping]

[heavy rock music]

[men chatter]

[Bob] You gonna go piss?

- A piss? - You taking a piss?

Are you gonna come watch me take a piss?

[Bob] Yeah, you want me to film it,

- you fucking perv? - Yeah, fucking go ahead.

Hey, we're going to the pissing hole!

- No, never rest, only pee! - Yeah.

- Never rest, only pee! - Only pee.

- [laughs] - Holy, ah, I tell you.

Fucking...

[groans] Let me tell you, these were fucking,

these are $12.

Oh, Jessie, what the fuck?

- I'll get, I'll get you. - Oh shit!

I know how to use this. [men shout drunkenly]

Oy, oy, oy, you're good.

[men laugh drunkenly]

- [Jimmy whoops happily] - Bob, we need you, Bob!

- You need a drink, Bob. - Bob's out!

- You need a drink. - Bob!

- [men laugh] - Give it to him.

[Jimmy] Your camera is your mask.

- Camera is my mask? - Why don't you have a drink?

[Bob] You're wearing a literal mask.

- You have to have... - I will have a drink.

- A drink. - I've been working hard.

- Oh, you first. [laughs] - You know what?

You're sick.

[Bob] Ow, ow.

There he is.

Fucking fuck.

[Bob laughs]

Fucking pussy.

Steve.

[Bob giggles]

Steve.

Where's the fucking monster?

Let's fuck with him, man.

- What? - Let's fuck with him.

You don't...

You don't wanna piss on him?

The fuck, Bob, what the fuck is wrong with you, man?

[Bob] The fuck is wrong with you?

Bob, just go back to the fucking party, man, okay?

Let me do my thing, you go, get the fuck out of here.

The fuck?

Pussy, I fucking knew you'd pussy out, you little bitch.

Fucking Steve.

Welcome to romance hour.

[hums drunkenly]

[both laugh]

Oh, oh, wow.

[Bob] Give him a kiss.

- What? - Kiss him!

You fucking dare me?

Fucking do it!

Fucking French him!

[coughs]

[Bob laughs raucously]

Oh my god.

Give me that fucking thing.

[Bob] No, no, no, no, no.

- [Bob laughs] - Bob!

[Steve coughs]

Oh god!

You sick fuck!

[alarm rings]

[doors bang open]

Is that you?

- What the fuck? - Go, go, go!

- Wait, who the fuck... - Who's that with Bart?

- I don't know. - Who's on fucking duty?

- Who's on duty? - It's supposed to be me.

- I'm sorry! - What the fuck?

I'm sorry, Commandant, I'll fix it!

- Oh, fuck. - Go!

- What are you doing? - I'll fix it!

Who the fuck is that, who the fuck is that?

The fuck is that thing?

Is that Terry?

- Is that Terry? - Terry?

- Who is that? - Terry's fucking dead!

[Bob] Oh my god.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Terry's fucking dead.

Do not fire until I give the order!

[Steve shouts] [thudding]

[creature growls]

Who, who are we missing?

- Um... - Who?

- Fucking Reed. - Steve.

Steve was on desk last night.

Has anyone seen him?

Steve, is that you, boy?

[creature growls]

- [gun fires] - What the fuck!

[men shout] Stop, wait!

Wait, stop, stop, fucking wait!

[men shout] Fucking wait,

take your hands off the trigger!

[gun fires]

Fucking... [Jimmy wails loudly]

Judas fucking Priest!

- Greg? - Steve!

Steve, no, stop, stop, you fucking idiot!

You're covered in vampire blood!

Stop moving, no, no, no, no!

[explosion booms]

[Bob grunts]

Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve!

[Greg coughs]

Come on, Greg.

Mother fuck.

Fuck, fuck this evil abomination.

We are gonna go in there

and we're gonna take this creature down.

We don't get in there before sundown,

we're not gonna be able to do nothing noways.

This fucking thing's unstoppable at night, come on.

[Greg] Well then lock and fucking load then.

Move in!

[loud scraping]

[Tom] Dude, what the fuck was that, what the fuck?

[footsteps pound]

[creature rasps]

[Tom shouts]

[Jimmy] Over here, come here.

[creature growls]

[Bob] Fuck!

- Oh shit, fuck. - What?

Fuck.

Fucking thing, holy shit.

Go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

[footsteps thud]

[gun fires]

Clear!

[creature roars] Whoa, whoa!

Oh fuck! [Tom screams]

Oh god!

Oh my god, Tom! [gun fires]

What the fuck! [men scream in terror]

Jesus Christ!

I think we got him.

Shit.

Get up there!

[creature growls]

[footsteps thud]

[Bob screams] [gun fires]

[creature growls] [Jimmy wails]

[gun fires]

- [Greg shouts in pain] - Shit!

- Greg! - My leg, my leg!

Fuck! [gun fires]

No, no, no! [Greg wails]

Shit! [creature growls]

[Greg] My leg! [shouts in pain]

Okay, okay, okay. [creature cackles]

[Bob screams] [creature shrieks]

[Bob screams in pain]

[gasps] [footsteps thud]

[Greg whimpers]

[creature gurgles]

Christ is king, Christ is king, Christ.

Christ is king, Christ is king, Christ is king,

Christ, Christ is king.

Christ is king, Christ is king, Christ, Christ is king.

Christ is king, Christ is king, Christ is king,

Christ, Christ, Christ is king, Christ is king.

[crying] Christ is king, Christ is king.

Christ is king! [screams]

[gasps]

Jesus fucking Christ!

Get me out of here, god damn it!

[Petro] God can't help you now, Slater.

Didn't you see that last videotape?

I saw you in that last tape.

Slater's got some explaining to do.

We've got some explaining to do.

Fucking untie me!

We're lost in here with fucking junkies.

You still think this is a drug ring?

It's our videotapes that are the villain.

Our videotapes are gonna fuck you up.

It's more like a trance.

Are you telling me that Spivy

is in a fucking trance!

No, Spivy's dead.

[eerie music]

What the fuck is all of this?

This is a far out fetish film cult

of bootleggers pushing that untouched, untouchable,

nastiest of the nasties.

Snuffing and fluffing, cannibals, animals.

Girls in white suits fucking shit up!

We deal in contraband content, strictly VHS.

Definitely illegal.

Oh my god, I didn't think we'd get busted

by our own useless unit.

[Petro] Are you ready for your closeup?

What the fuck did you just say?

[Nash] We are the final girls.

You're our final kill.

[heavy rock music]

[Slater shouts angrily] [Petro shouts]

[Petro grunts]

Some help here, Nash?

My camera's fucking stuck!

[static buzzes]

[Nash] This tape's gonna be our best one yet.

Fans are gonna go crazy.

What should we call it?

? Dead cops, dead cops, dead cops ?

? Dead cops down on the street ?

? Giving poor the heat ?

? With their clubs and guns ?

? We do it all for fun ?

? Dead Cops, dead cops, dead cops ?

? Dead cops, big bad and blue ?

? They're in the Klan too ?

? Brutality's their sport ?

? We'll put 'em to the torch ?

? Dead Cops, dead cops, dead cops ?

? Dead cops ?

["Dead Cops" by M.D.C.]

? Rebel, rebel on the street ?

? Makeup on my face, stockings on my feet ?

? All the straights asking me why ?

? I'm not a normal American guy ?

? What makes them so straight and me so bent ?

? What makes them so straight and me so bent ?

? What makes them so straight and me so bent ?

? What makes them so straight and me so bent ?

? Call this the land of the free ?

? Say it's the home of the brave ?

? You know they call me a queen ?

? Just another human being ?

? What makes America so straight and me so bent ?

? What makes America so straight and me so bent ?

? What makes America so straight and me so bent ?

? What makes America straight and me so bent ?

? Your authority and your power ?

? Has turned us sick and sour ?

? And your justice is a lie ?

? And we're gonna fight until you die ?

? What makes them so straight and me so bent ?

? What makes them so straight and me so bent ?

? What makes America so straight and me so bent ?

? What makes America so straight and me so bent ?

? Dead cops, dead cops, dead cops, dead cops ?

? Dead cops, dead cops ?

[ominous metal music]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull