Original subtitles

-Hello. Hi.

Good evening and happy World War III

to all who celebrate.

It's me, Donald Trump.

FIFA Peace Prize winner and Nobel Peace Prize taker.

Yoink! Remember when I did that?

I launched this attack after me and my Board of Peace

decided that we were bored of peace.

Little wordplay there. Did you catch it?

As we all know, Iran has been two weeks away

from developing a nuclear weapon for like

the last 15 years or something, so we had to act now.

And we're doing war.

War! ♪ What is it good for? ♪

♪ Distracting from the Epstein files ♪

And I know on the campaign trail I promised no new foreign wars.

But listen, wars -- plural, right?

I'm allowed to do one.

Do one foreign war and possibly one civil.

To all my MAGA voters who are upset and saying,

"This is not what I voted for,"

well, you did. Don't you know who I am?

I'm me.

Even I don't know what I'm gonna do next.

Hello from the year 5000.

Like, what the hell was that, right?

Nobody knows. I'm unpredictable.

I'm like a box of chocolates --

you never know what you're gonna get.

Forrest Gump!

Gump!

America's favorite time-traveling R-word.

He told that story to that nurse on the bench

after the feather fell down. Gump!

I don't get it. People beg and beg for Trump,

and then when you get him, you don't like him.

What's going on? All right?

I'm like new "Star Wars" movies.

They see the trailer for "Mandalorian & Grogu,"

and they say, "Never mind. I don't want that."

People are asking, "Why attack Iran now?"

Well, we had to strike in the early hours of Saturday,

which has two advantages militarily.

One, it's after the stock market closes for the weekend,

and, two, it's to cause immeasurable fear,

rage, and chaos in the "SNL" writers room.

Those guys were going crazy.

They probably had a big State of the Union address thing

they were gonna do.

Not anymore!

Jeremy was in it. Poor Jeremy.

He's got a light show.

Put the whole thing in the trash and start fresh.

We love that for them.

Anyway, with more on this,

here's a man I'm gonna blame it on when it doesn't work,

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.

[ Rock version of "The Star-Spangled Banner" plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

-Yeah, all right, all right, cut the track!

[ Music stops ] Cut the track.

And relax. This is a Four Loko non-alc!

[ Can clatters ]

What's up, dill weeds?

As you probably heard, Operation Epic Fury is underway.

And as you could tell from the veins in my neck, I'm pumped!

Why'd we call it Epic Fury? Simple.

Eight letters. Lines up perfectly

for some bitchin' knuckle tats!

Yeah!

Did 'em in the wrong order, but you get it!

And those are my least problematic tattoos.

Shut up!

They asked for someone to volunteer

to oversee this half-baked operation,

and I didn't walk, "I ran." [Iran]

When President Trump called me at 2:00 in the morning,

you know I was awake,

sober AF and already training for the mission,

playing "Prince of Persia: Sands of Time" on my GameCube.

-We love the GameCube. It's underrated.

-Yeah! Misunderstood system, the GameCube.

-And a small library. It was hard to code for.

-It was hard to code for.

Smart man.

But don't let my confident demeanor fool you.

I am scared, and I don't know what I'm doing.

When he said we were gonna blow up the leader of Iran,

I thought he was kidding.

And now, all day long, I've been hearing people say,

"Why did we do this?

What's the reason for this war?"

Oh, yeah, I actually have the reason right here.

It's under my chin. Let me get it for you.

"Goodfellas."

Bottom line, all of you should be thanking us.

We took out a horrendous, horrible leader

who was oppressing his own people.

-But don't get any ideas.

-And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!