Original subtitles

[logo chimes]

[bluesy electric guitar]

[upbeat rock music]

[tyres screech]

- Why do you interfere.

- Jo, why do you fight me?

We're allies.

- Patrick, you are a sad, strange little man.

And you have my pity.

- Complete and utter shit.

Solid gold shit.

Tugg Speedman. I'm...I'm just not the biggest fan.

- A father with money and an idiot with an expensive habit.

The transition from drugs to movie making

has been glorious for us.

- The problem with Tugg Speedman movies are his endings.

- Well, it's not just the endings.

We even got shortchanged on the nudity.

Esme Presley used a body double.

- Hmm.

- I've just had a thought.

What do you think if I asked you to present the awards?

- Oh, Gabriel, let me stop you there.

I'm not presenting these awards.

- Well, that would be a mistake.

A missed opportunity for you, Will the farmer.

It's on brand.

- Gabriel, your little festival. It's a low rent nightmare.

Whatever bullshit you've done

to get this accredited by the academy, it's a win here.

Honestly, I don't want to be part of it

when it all goes tits up.

- It's all showbiz, Will.

And you are one of the greats.

This is an opportunity that should be

grabbed with both hands.

- Gabriel, please.

Please don't bullshit me.

- Put on a show, Will.

Razzle dazzle 'em.

It will be you that they'll remember.

- I don't want to present an award

to a shit Tarantino wannabe, Tugg Speedman.

- Truth is stranger than fiction, Will.

Look, um.

Why don't you stay?

Listen to the key speaker talk and then see how you feel.

- Do you know what?

[coughing]

I don't feel well, Gabriel.

- It's funny, isn't it?

If you've got a tractor, you're a farmer.

If you don't, you're just a gardener.

- Do you know what?

I am not sitting here listening to that.

- Oh,

- Gabriel? Are you all right?

[Gabriel groans]

[bagpipes playing]

- Hello.

Well hello, Giggles.

I didn't know we were gonna be a threesome tonight.

- What's the point in having a phone

if you don't read your messages?

- Oh, shit.

Sorry. No, I've been avoiding my dad all day, so.

Urrgh, phone.

- I'm breaking up with you.

- Okay. - It's not you.

- It's your dad.

- Huh?

- Not in that way.

Just the way he controls everything you do.

- Uh.

I'm waiting for the punch line here,

but I'm sensing it's not coming.

Look...My dad is just my dad.

Like I'm my own boss.

[message chimes]

Okay, but that is five unread messages,

which I'm not going to read.

- I'm with Giggles.

- Caroline.

I thought we were going to make a movie together.

- I think we're both done with that.

- You know...You know what?

I think I'm just gonna...

[gentle music]

Oh, God. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[phone rings]

Dad!

- Where have you been?

He's having a heart attack.

- Will the farmer?

And a cow jumped over the moon.

No, dad.

- Gabriel, everything's gonna be okay.

Alan's here now.

- Listen to me, son.

Do you want to make it in his business

or fold shirts at the Chinese laundromat?

Pledge.

- Um, how sure are we that this was a heart attack?

Uh, it's not... the film festival.

- The film festival goes ahead.

You're in charge.

- Gabriel, talk about this at the hospital.

Where is this ambulance?

- Ambulance is on the way.

No! Dad! Dad!

Cancel the film festival.

- Alan,

I am not willing to donate a kidney,

but I am willing to watch you die slowly

if you're looking for that kind of thing.

- Huh.

Um.

- Any idea what you're going to do?

- Uh, no, no, Will, I don't.

- Well, good luck with everything.

Um, Will the farmer to present best picture.

- Oh.

[bright music]

♪ Somebody I'm not ♪

♪ I don't wanna be somebody I'm not ♪

♪ Standing in the shoes of someone I'm not ♪

♪ I don't wanna be somebody I'm not ♪

♪ Standing in my shoes ♪

♪ I got this feeling that I'm always gonna lose ♪

♪ I guess I know someday I'm gonna have to choose ♪

♪ Cause I don't wanna hide away ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Somebody I'm not ♪

♪ I don't wanna be somebody I'm not ♪

♪ Standing in the shoes of someone I'm not ♪

♪ Cause I don't wanna be somebody I'm not ♪

♪ Standing in the line ♪

♪ And never knowing when it's gonna be my time ♪

♪ I got so much inside I really wanna shine ♪

♪ Cause I don't wanna hide away ♪

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

♪ Somebody I'm not ♪

♪ I don't wanna be somebody I'm not ♪

♪ standing in the shoes of someone I'm not ♪

♪ Cause I don't wanna be somebody I'm not ♪

♪ So it goes ♪

♪ Seems like I'm running back ♪

♪ But, oh you know ♪

♪ it's like I'm stuck in time ♪

♪ Somebody I'm not ♪

♪ I don't wanna be somebody I'm not ♪

♪ Standing in the shoes of somebody I'm not ♪

♪ I don't wanna be ♪

- You know, think I'm gonna faint if we don't eat soon?

- There's a Costa, Starbucks back at the station.

- I can get those anywhere.

I need authentic Edinburgen food.

I don't know if it's an actual word,

but it is now anyway.

- Um, there's a greasy spoon three blocks from here.

Authentic Scottish cafe it says.

- Perfect word.

I'm gonna use it in a sentence.

- I just did.

[bright music]

- Where are all these Scottish brutes have been told about?

- You're going to cop a flower pot

if you don't move them trotters?

- At her butt. Oh my God.

- Are you sure?

- Of course.

she's got no reason to lie, has she?

- Can we go home then?

- Alan's sorting it out.

- That can't be good.

- Come on.

How's it going?

- Uh, a few technical issues.

Uh, but then again, it's an old laptop,

so it probably needs replacing.

- She means your dad, Alan.

- Oh, God.

Um, yeah, better, I think.

Uh, he left me a three-page text message this morning

that he signed off with, "And don't mess this up."

So, safe to say he's bet the farm on this festival.

- It'll be fine.

- See, it's working

and gone again.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- He's fucked.

- Will.

- Gabriel's on the mend. That's good.

- Look. Will, I still need a key speaker.

- It's check-out time for me.

- No, Will, please. I'll give you anything, okay?

I have a kidney you can have.

It's barely been used.

- When you get chased by a pack of taxidermists,

don't play dead.

[bright music]

- Uh, is there no one here to meet us?

- It's fine, we'll just grab a taxi.

- Did you not order a car service?

- Oh. I'm sorry.

I'll just bung it on my credit card, shall I?

There's no budget for this trip.

[Tugg sighs]

- Seriously?

[Alan breathing heavily]

- Good news or bad?

- My father would say this is a challenge.

- So bad then - Yeah, it's not good.

Uh, one of my key speakers has pulled out.

He's got the flu.

One of the criteria for qualifying for an Academy Award

is you must provide at least two key speakers

to tell you movies are good.

[Alan groans]

- All right. Okay. It's fine. Just breathe.

[Alan breathing heavily]

That's it.

Not the first guy to have a panic attack on us.

- Look, if my dad doesn't kill me,

Tugg Speedman will.

- God was a good movie.

The ending wasn't much, though.

- No. His father is paying for the festival.

- You know this isn't your fault, right?

- Yes, but my dad can make it my fault.

- Right, first things last.

What's a key speaker?

- Oh, I don't know.

It's got to be an actor or a celebrity.

Someone who can talk about their experience

making movies with the other filmmakers.

- Rachel.

- Oh, shit. Yeah, Rachel Warren.

- Who is Rachel Warren?

[paparazzi clamouring]

- [Pap] Rachel. Rachel.

Rachel.

- She did that stupid werewolf movie with Jess.

It's in the festival.

- Can you get her?

- Yeah, I know her well.

- Sure she'd love to come and be your celebrity.

- You have no idea where we're going.

- Yes, I do.

It's this way. Come on.

We made a movie about Chinese families in the 18th century.

- Stories about mothers and daughters.

- This country makes no sense.

[speaking foreign language]

[speaking foreign language]

[indistinct background chatter]

- Oi!

Remember what we spoke about.

- Yeah, yeah, Dad. No day drinking.

- Hi. We're Ashraf and...

- Milie.

- I thought we was going with Millicent.

- We made 'Malicious intent.'

[heavy rock music]

- Do I think we can win?

Fuck, yeah.

Right, babe?

- Well, forget winning.

I mean, I'm just here for the guys

with their sexy Scottish brogue.

I mean, I haven't met any just yet,

but I did spot this guy

who looked a little bit like Chris Hemsworth on the plane.

You know, the guy from Thor?

I mean, given the chance. I'd do him until I was Thor.

- You do know I'm not one of your pals, don't you?

You know I can't just unhear this stuff.

- Oh, well.

- Not really hungry.

- Nominations for best actress are...

Fran Whittaker for, 'Hey, Mr. DJ.'

[gentle music]

- I can explain. - I want you to leave.

- Out of my house.

- What's black pudding?

- It's pork or beef blood mixed with oatmeal and fried.

- Are we in the same country?

- No, we're in Scotland.

- Esme Presley for 'Gods of Shoreditch.'

- Your sword skills do you a disservice, sir.

- The seal calls to you,

but it is lying.

- That may be so.

The seal is our portal to the future.

- It is the devil's work.

- Then the devil does fine work.

- How are the nominations?

- Oh, yeah.

It's in the bag.

[gentle music]

- Hi, guys.

Uh, we're the kidnap gang, and we do kidnap pranks.

This is my partner, Darren.

- Hello, hello.

- Now, uh, obviously, we've...

we've entered two films into the festivals,

which doubles our chances of winning something.

[laughter]

But look, I've got to warn you, when we're about,

there's always some fuckery afoot.

- Idiots.

Both my dad and my uncle.

Well, Gabriel, the guy who runs the festival,

um, he invited us along.

He thought we would be some good entertainment.

[traffic rumbling]

- Joking. We got her.

- You didn't.

- She said she'll do it.

- Thanks to this little madam.

- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

Sorry, I'm not really a hugger, but you know what I mean.

- She said she liked working with me.

And the movie's nominated in the festival.

- You'll cover travel and bar bill.

- Bar bill?

- Yes, but don't worry about that now.

You have a speaker.

- Hey, is this an exclusive party or can anybody join in?

- Tugg. You're here.

- Alert the paparazzi.

- That's good, that's good that he's here.

- No, seriously.

Alert the paparazzi.

- Uh, your Dad has press at the awards, so.

- How are you? - Jade.

- And what movie are you with?

- Sex.

- Hmm.

Well, your film sounds interesting.

And equally your name.

Both subjects I'd love to learn more about.

Tugg Speedman, actor, writer, filmmaker.

Triple threat. Pow!

- Tugg. Have you checked in yet?

It's actually just this way, I'll just show you where it is.

- I want that review.

Listen, man,

I didn't want to say anything in there.

I didn't want to embarrass you.

There was no one there to meet us at the airport.

- Oh, I didn't know we were...

You know what?

Technical issues.

[Tugg laughs]

- Get it together, man.

You do realise what a big deal this is

to have me and my movie playing exclusively at your festival.

- Of course, I, I thought it played in Ireland.

[sucks teeth]

- That wasn't a film festival.

That was a tent with a projector.

- Right.

- Oh, this...

This is the one we've been waiting for.

Academy qualifying.

You do realise this is going to be huge

for my movie and for your festival?

[romantic music]

Yes, so get it together.

- We're in room 175.

- Esme Presley.

- That's my name. Don't wear it out.

[Alan laughs nervously]

- Uh...

- Don't mess this up.

- Right.

Please let me help you with your bag.

Um.

- I'd be much obliged.

He likes people to think I'm his assistant.

[Alan scoffs]

- Yeah. He's, uh, certainly a character with a small C.

- Oh, he's definitely something with a small C.

[Alan laughs]

- We're going to need to separate these.

- Oh, like a twin room.

- Don't get me started.

Tugg likes his space to sleep.

Proper diva.

You can put that down.

- Oh, God, yeah, sorry, um.

- Is there a turndown service or do I tip?

- Oh, no, no, I'm... I'm just helping.

- Just a thanks, then.

Mm. Instant coffee.

- Uh, I liked your movie.

Well, no, I liked your role in it.

- It's okay, you can say it's crap, it is.

- No, no, it's not crap, it's just, uh...

It's unusual.

It's time traveling gangsters, so.

But it's up for Best picture,

and it's probably going to get the Oscar qualifying spot.

So what do I know?

- Alan. That's your name, right?

The festival director's son.

Tugg Speedman's a hack.

And worse, a hack with a father with money.

The writer's inspiration for 'Gods of Shoreditch'

was a story with strong female characters

who brought about the end of the world of men.

Instead, Tugg turned her brilliant script

into a wannabe gangster action movie

with so much nudity, it could have been set in ancient Rome.

- Oh, I mean, I thought that it was...

- Sorry, darling.

Body doubles for those scenes.

Oh, no, no, I wasn't being weird, I was just...

- Alan, it's fine.

I limit who sees me naked, including Tugg.

Oh. You thought...

[Esme laughs]

Alan, no.

Hasn't been like that for a very long time.

Tugg, I imagine, is currently down in the bar

flirting with any tart unlucky enough to be within earshot.

[romantic music]

I know his father paid for the movie to win,

and I'm fine with that.

- Oh.

Allen?

- Mm, yes.

- Do you want a coffee?

[message chimes]

- That's...That's my dad.

Um, I should...

- I didn't see him downstairs is everything okay?

- Uh, complicated.

Uh, but...

Yeah.

- Hello Al.

You alright?

- Um, yeah, all good.

Um, the adjudicators here.

- Okay.

Yes. We made a movie called sex.

[seductive music]

At first there was nothing.

Then there was woman.

[clock chimes]

♪ Time don't wait for no one ♪

So the role of the woman is the sole provider.

The one giving the pain is the only one that can take it away.

- My role is to assist with clients.

But I'm also an actress.

- Oh, not again with that stupid werewolf movie with Rachel.

- Rachel was amazing to work with.

- And you too. - Yeah.

- But both equally.

- Yeah. Of course.

Do you know what? Whatever, I don't care.

Anyway, can somebody take this off, please?

- You have 12 finalists in your festival this year?

- Uh, yes. They are the final 12.

The opening ceremony is tonight, and there will be a party.

- Mm.

Not quite a party person.

- Mm.

- Each film has been individually assessed

and announced within the required time period.

- Yes, no formal queries from the other candidates.

And my father has done all of the assessments.

- Your father?

Yes.

Spoke to him many times on the phone.

Never met.

Where is he?

- Currently sorting out, um, something or other.

You know what these crazy film-makers are like?

[tense music]

- No!

- Oh.

[playful music]

[she screams]

- I'm absolutely mortified.

- I didn't mind really, it was kind of fun.

- Bunch of kids them two, honestly.

[laughs]

[laughs]

- Very amusing.

My preference is to sit near the back

and on the aisle for each showing.

- Yes, we can accommodate that.

- Your father is the signatory for the festival.

Have him speak to me at his earliest convenience.

- Of course. No...No problem.

Would you excuse me?

I need to go and sort out a thing.

[sighs]

[romantic music]

[sighs]

- Hmm.

Well, good morning to you.

Leading actress?

- Yes I am.

Well...

- No, no, no, no.

You have certainly got the look.

- As if, he's like some old guy.

- You play your cards right.

I might just let you audition for me sometime.

- So obviously, networking is the best part of these events

before Tugg realises I'm a tease,

his next movie will already be out, starring me.

[romantic music continues]

- Thought you might be hungry.

- Thank you.

But the breakfasts are meant to be for the film contestants.

But yeah, they're not going to miss it, are they?

- The adjudicator buy your story?

- Mm?

- Jade. - Ah.

- How is your father doing?

- Still in hospital, and I think,

I think Tugg Speedman might just kill me when he finds out.

- So have you always wanted to be an actress, then?

Come on, move along, Romeo.

There's a queue here.

- I'll talk to you later.

- You seem to be doing okay so far.

Just a few more days.

Tugg will be happy once he gets his coveted academy place.

- Do you like working with him?

- You don't work with Tugg,

you experience the carnage he leaves in his wake.

You get used to the crazy after a few years.

- Yeah. I was going to pitch my film to him.

- 'The God Particle?'

- Yeah, I optioned the third book.

But I tell you what...

An award nominated actress would look great on the cast list.

- This is a shit business, Alan.

You can do your best performance

then some hack director fumbles the ball in the edit.

- Hey, know your character Jo Marsh

in 'Gods of Shoreditch' was amazing.

- Tits and arse don't make a movie.

At least my body double had a good bum.

- 'The God Particle'

is a black ops super soldier

who seeks vengeance after they have been betrayed

on a mission gone terribly wrong.

- Good pitch.

- Yeah, but without Esmé Presley in it

it's just another silly spy adventure.

[Esme laughs]

Actually, can you just give me a full second, please?

- Alan. My man.

How are we?

Right, are we all set for my screening?

- Yes. Of course. Um...

- Emmett. - Emmett, yes.

- Yes, no. It's only because

I heard there were some technical issues.

- Who told you that?

Never mind, uh, no, everything's fine.

- We're good to go. - Perfect.

- So, yeah, we made a horror movie.

- Yes, I play a maid.

- Don't you play a maid in Jade's movie too.

- Typecasting is a good thing.

- Do you actually watch the movies?

Have you seen mine? It's got Rachel in it.

- Uh, no, my dad watches the films.

It's more his thing.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Um, the breakfasts

are actually just for the film candidates,

so, uh.

- Appreciate it.

- Yeah, yeah, no, so that that means...

Sorry.

- But what if I was a film contestant?

Okay, okay, look,

if you want to go, like, just wait in the lobby

and wait till they're all gone.

I'll come and give you a shout, um.

- I had to print the application form from the library.

It was a nightmare with all that ink.

So like, sorry, I ain't taking the blame for that.

- Hang on, you've made a movie?

- Sure. Just like all the cats up in this gaff.

It's a personal story.

A flick about living on the streets.

Mike in your face.

- Yeah, that's...

That's actually really impressive.

I'm not sure how you do that.

- Check it.

Shot on the phone.

Edited at a library.

The equipment was 90s, but it's all good.

Uh, well, that that is all good,

but, um, the applications closed uh, two months ago now, so...

- Understands completely.

But listen here,

I ain't interested in what you're selling.

For me, this is a golden opportunity

of honest food and a bed for the night.

- Please. I really don't know how else to say this,

but all of the final films have been announced.

We can't add this.

- That's how it is?

- Sorry. What's your name?

- Mike. Iron Mike.

- Wow. Intimidating name.

- It's because where I'm bearing down.

I have, like, three Iron bars tied together, so Iron Mike.

- Makes perfect sense.

Listen, Alan's going to take your application

because he's good at problem solving,

and he very much wants to impress me.

- Alan, I was thinking...

- What was that?

- Simple.

You did a very kind thing for a homeless man,

and it did impress me.

- Okay. Yeah, that is very nice,

but all the films have already been announced, Esme.

- I don't think he cares.

- Morning.

- Oh, shit.

I mean morning!

- Your father down for breakfast?

Uh, you know, he was, but he's an early riser,

so you know how it is.

- We're just going to meet him now.

- The signatory is a very important part of the process.

- Of course.

[gasps]

- I played Lord Harrington of Malta.

[tense music]

- The beast must die.

- Whatever you think is best.

I'm now unarmed.

And I prevent you from doing your duty.

- Maybe she should kill us both.

- You've been bitten, mistress.

- The wolf.

Courses

through my veins.

Run!

- So, yeah.

It's a movie with a werewolf in it.

- Hi sister hates that we're together

in the movie?

- Look, I spent a lot of time and energy into this ending.

And trust me, once people see what we've done here,

this best film winner's mine.

- Ours

and everyone that was in the movie.

[wolf howls]

[applause]

[tense music]

- Agnes, I just...

- I'm sorry for frightening you, Lady Harrington.

- Callum,

go back to the house.

- Elizabeth.

- Now!

[tense music continues]

- Shit! No, no, not now.

Everyone look into the..!

[laughter]

God damn it!

No one saw the ending.

- Emmet.

- It was just an utter shit show.

- I was pretty awesome as the maid.

[Tugg groaning]

- Are you okay?

Hmm.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- Did you just leave and come back so you could do that?

- Take some water.

- Fuck water!

I want some fucking cocaine.

Oh, fuck.

Just call my fucking sponsor.

[Tugg breathing heavily]

You.

Is your pathetic father gonna make it or not?

Tell me.

- Uh, I don't know, but I'm obviously hoping.

- It's not his fault.

- Ah. [laughs]

Of course you knew.

Everybody knows except poor old Tugg.

- It wasn't like that.

- Look, as long as the adjudicator doesn't find out,

we're fine.

- We're fine, we're fine,

we're fine, yeah we're fine.

Until he visits

your poor little feeble dad on a fucking deathbed.

- Tugg, his father still alive, take that back.

- I'll tell you one thing, boyo.

He's not gonna be alive when my dad gets his hands on him.

Or if you make this go tits up.

You,

I'm going to the bar.

Fuck my sponsor.

[Tugg groans]

- Really?

Thought you had to call your sponsor.

- I didn't drink it.

- Well you thought about it, and you promised.

- Go away, Esme.

- I'm not cleaning up after you again.

- Well, you know what, mum?

Do you know what I'm going to get you for Christmas?

A nice big wooden cross.

So next time you feel unappreciated

for all your sacrifices,

you can climb on up there and nail yourself to it.

Look, it's...

[speaking foreign language]

- Yes. The movie did well.

We are very proud.

[speaking foreign language]

The adjudicator, of course, he picks the winner.

[speaking foreign language]

That is not correct!

- He just an official.

Gabriel, choose the winner.

- I know Alan,

and I hope we have made a big impression on him

and his father, Gabriel.

- We do rap movie next.

[rapping in foreign language]

[upbeat music]

- There was a lot of nudity in 'Gods.'

- Yes, well, nudity was very important in our story

of 'Gods of Shoreditch,'

but, uh...

some were more comfortable than others.

- I think sometimes nudity is considered controversial

in some cultures because

it challenges the standards of modesty.

- Yes, exactly.

Nudity, it's a state of mind.

I'll happily wander around the house

all day with no clothes on.

Just let it all hang out.

Feel that breeze.

It's, it's quite liberating.

- Would I be shallow if I said size doesn't matter?

- It's perfectly adequate.

- Is it true that it's all a farce?

- I don't really know.

- Well, you seem very close with Alan.

He must have told you something.

- This is starting to feel like an intervention.

Or maybe an interrogation.

- It's because everyone is hiding something.

- Esme, we're just curious.

This festival is really important to us.

- We have vested interest.

- Look, I don't want to speak out of turn.

And I understand that you guys are anxious,

but really, you have to speak to Alan about this.

- Oh, we will, don't you worry about that.

- The mountain has arrived.

- You know, we all know that you're here.

- Can you help with this, please?

They know, Alan.

You might as well just tell them the truth.

- The truth will set you free.

- Okay, I've spoken to my dad in the hospital.

He is getting better.

- It is a question of whether he can do the sign off, though.

- No, he can't.

Not while he's in hospital.

- What's the sign off?

- The, uh, festival director has to sign off

on the adjudicator's paperwork.

- Can't Alan do that?

[Tugg scoffs]

- Are you the festival director, Alan?

- No, I'm...

- Uh, yeah, not the festival director then.

- What's that smell?

- Listen, monkey boy, I swear to God and Sonny Jesus

if you don't find a solution, I'm gonna dropkick your head.

And I've done seven days intensive stage combat,

So you watch yourself.

[gentle music]

- Forget 'The God particle,' this is producing.

- Oh, yeah, just without the money or the credit.

- You're cut out for greater things.

- Yeah, well, you clearly haven't met my dad.

He's gonna kill my movie.

[gentle music continues]

- Still living in his shadow, just like Tugg.

Be thine own self, be true.

- Yeah, well, that's really easy for you to say,

you're an award-winning actress

with a string of movie titles behind you and I'm just...

- And you're currently a festival director.

- Ah, yeah, I see.

Trying to sway influence with the festival director

to try and win an award.

It's not gonna work.

- Oh, my. What's a girl got to do?

- Mate. Borrow your shaver?

- Yeah, sure, whatever you need.

- Keep that towel on and I'll cut your hair.

- Hotel cleaning service?

- For sure.

Mike, can we grab a look at your movie?

- [Mike] Sure. It's your funeral.

[drive whirs]

[gentle music continues]

- Well, this is it.

This is where Iron Mike is staying the night.

Because, uh, I don't have three iron bathtubs.

They were all tied together,

and it was really, really, really good.

Always get a wee check in the bins,

because you just don't know what's in these bins.

- Mike, this is good.

- And phone boxes.

Always keep your eye out for them.

A lot of people miss them.

- It's really good.

[applause]

[whooping]

[gasping]

- Ow!

- Have you, uh..

You calmed down yet?

Any tea?

- Help yourself, you usually do.

- I wake up this morning, you're gone.

- Didn't think you'd notice through intensely snoring.

- I'm at a loss here, Esme.

What's going on?

Do you remember the little talk me and you had?

I support you, you support me?

- That's all I ever do is support you.

- Yeah, well, you've been missing in action all weekend.

- I've been here all this time.

The question is, where have you been?

- Clever.

How's that working out for you?

- That's the thing about relationships,

they give you a reason to live.

Revenge.

- Hey, hey, do you remember this?

♪ I've heard there was a secret chord ♪

- No.

♪ That David played it pleased the Lord ♪

♪ But you don't really care for movies, do ya? ♪

♪ It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth. ♪

- Sit down.

♪ The major falls, the minor lifts ♪

♪ The baffled king composing Hallelujah ♪

No?

- Those old cheap moves aren't going to work on me anymore.

- I've got plenty of new cheap moves for you.

- How are you gonna face all these people

when they find out you paid for the award?

- The question is, babe,

do you feel paid for it?

[tense music]

- Esme!

- That's bad juju, mate, you need to take a moment.

- But she's upset.

- Having your bridges burned is never going to be easy,

but she's strong.

- Bad juju.

- I think it's better from an older person.

- But this is your fault, Jess.

You were in her fucking movie.

- She was very giving as an actress.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Can one of you please just tell me what's going on?

- Rachel can't do it.

[Alan groans]

- We forgot Jade posted on Rachel's socials

that she was so bitchy

she's probably playing the werewolf.

- Why?

- Because it was my role.

- Oh!

- Wow, what a transformation.

- Hey, got myself some new threads.

[she laughs]

- It's gonna be a long night.

[body thuds]

I mean, this is getting ridiculous.

- Sorry. Caroline. Hi, um...

- Wow. - Hey, Alan.

- Could I be the most beautiful girl in the world?

- Uh, uh, Caroline, wow.

Um, what are you doing here?

I mean, I'm glad that you are, but why?

- It seems most men take advantage.

Except you, of course.

- Hm.

- Giggles was a mistake.

- Ha.

I'll still do your announcements if you want me.

- Really?

Oh, Caroline, absolutely, that'd be amazing.

Yes, yes, thank you, thank you so much.

- Wow, slaying it, Mike.

- Nobody even seen a man in a suit?

- Ah, she's just getting a bit excited.

Our film's showing today.

- 'Malicious intent.' Gangster comedy

- Has 'Malicious intent' even got a chance?

- Well, it's a lower budget than Tugg's film,

but hopefully we spent the money where it really mattered.

- We got the secret ingredient.

Me. I'm the secret ingredient.

- Well, look, when Millie was ten,

we'd done a short film together called 'Daddy's Girl.'

- Those clips are a springboard for 'Malicious intent.'

It's like the story picks up from that point.

[birds singing]

- She was much cuter then and not such a pain in the arse.

- Well, the best advice I can give

is that you never know who's going to grow up to be famous,

so just make yourself available.

- Oh, don't be a tart.

- Well, I wish I was Beyoncé.

- I've been looking for you.

- Found me.

- Well, I thought maybe you wanted some space.

- Good choice.

Or you could just kill all the girls prettier than me.

- Or maybe just Tugg, so.

[romantic music]

- Where are all the good guys at?

In the heart or in the head?

- You think I'm a good guy?

- Well, when your instinct tells you to do something,

you don't do it

so maybe when it tells you not to that's when you should.

- Oh.

[Esme chuckles]

- Read the room, Alan.

This is the consensual kissing part.

- Uh.

Caroline's back.

[record scratches]

Um.

- Uh, your ex that got with your best friend, Caroline?

- Yeah. Um, she, uh, she wants to present the awards.

- Mm. That's good, I guess.

Great for you.

- Well, the whole thing with Giggles was a mistake.

I mean, I always thought so, but I guess she's realised it too.

So, um.

- Yeah, no, great, um, so pleased for you.

- Uh.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, just peachy.

planning lessons all the time.

- Right, um, I'm sorry, just one second, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would be happy to present our next film,

'Malicious Intent.'

- No, no, no, no, wait wait wait!

Um.

My apologies.

There will now be a short interval,

as I need a word with the festival director.

Young man,

this is totally irregular.

My paperwork should have been signed

and emailed off this morning.

- I understand. he's just busy.

- You've fobbed me off with that before.

Where is your father?

He is festival director.

- Fully understand, uh, end of the next movie he'll be here.

- Yeah, listen, young man, this might seem like a game to you,

but it's also my job.

And I don't like explaining to my line manager

that I can't manage a simple task,

such as getting a

signature!

- Stand on me, I will sort it.

- it's our big day.

- Uh, yeah, it is.

[gentle music]

♪ I curse them to hell ♪

♪ As her bow fought the swell ♪

♪ Our ship danced like a moth in the firelight ♪

♪ Wild horses rode high as the devil passed by ♪

♪ Taking souls into Hades by twilight ♪

♪ Five weeks out to sea ♪

♪ We were now 43 ♪

♪ We buried our comrades each morning ♪

♪ In our own sign ♪

♪ We were lost in the time ♪

♪ Endless night we were dawning ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I wish I was back home in Derry ♪

♪ Oh. ♪

♪ I wish I was ♪

[gunshot]

- So essentially, it's like a black ops agent.

Oh, oh, Caroline, you have to meet our resident movie star,

Esme Presley.

- Today, everyone's a star,

They're all billed as starring or also starring

without earning that recognition.

- Caroline, you're back from outer space.

- I noticed you cry a lot in your films.

Your tear ducts must be very close to your bladder.

- Has Alan talked you into presenting?

- All these Best Actress nominees and I'm just thinking,

shut up and get a salad.

- Uh, so, um, Caroline thinks that

we should just come clean with every adjudicator.

- Not the best idea.

- Is that your own thought, or do you need a screenwriter?

- Caroline, we should be friends.

- Yes, I agree.

Best friends.

- I think that ending needs work.

- How about less silly questions and a bit more shut the hell up.

- How did you make her look younger in the film?

Was that computer stuff?

- This is a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.

- I ain't saying anything.

- So then your, uh,

your style is clearly more gangster than it is horror.

- Hey, that cat who played Dudley in your movie,

he was awesome.

- Joy.

- All right, ladies and gentlemen, our next film is...

- 'Sex.'

- Have fun.

[seductive music]

♪ Time don't wait for no one ♪

♪ There's no escape from what I must do ♪

- Turn around and bend over.

♪ I can't wait forever ♪

- I think it's time to leave.

♪ But I will wait for you ♪

- I'm young, I'm all dressed up.

I'm on my way to marry the asexual awakening.

And there's 290 years separating me

from the films of Kevin Smith.

♪ But that doesn't mean it's true ♪

♪ If time don't wait for no one ♪

♪ How can I wait for you? ♪

- Tough love.

♪ The cards are on the table ♪

- It is complete love.

It is complete love.

♪ Will do ♪

- Didn't fancy 'Sex' then?

- It was beauty that killed the beast.

'Malicious Intent' should be good competition for Tugg.

It might blindside him.

- Well, we can hope so.

But look, I'm probably the most

noncompetitive person here, so I win.

- Secrets and lies.

Come with me.

- This is bang out of order.

Have you any idea how much shit I went through

to get the day off today?

This ain't my day job, you know.

- It's not Alan's fault.

- Well, this does land squarely on Alan's door.

- I was thinking, since no one saw the ending of my film,

can we screen it again, maybe?

- Look at you, all of you.

No problem is too big, we can't fix it if we work together.

- Esme, you're beautiful on the inside,

but it's important you understand your limitations.

- Alan, what I'm saying is,

if anyone actually saw the ending of the film,

then people would know that my character

disguises himself as older.

I will play your dad, and I will sign off this whole festival.

What?

I've got range.

- Him!

- I can't play Gabriel.

That accent's incredibly tricky.

- If you don't do it, then all of this is over for everyone.

[clears throat]

- Hello, son.

How are you?

- Oh, God, this has disaster written all over it.

- Something is missing.

- Could be range.

- The meanness.

- Yeah, Gabriel is an arsehole.

- Oi, I'm not happy, and I don't like it.

- Oh my God.

- Esme?

Is my foot scrub in there?

This is gonna be brilliant.

And bring my razor as well, will you?

You've been blowing hot and cold me all day.

- Everything's fine in my world.

- You might want to tell your face that.

This is a big day for us.

- You bought the award, Tugg.

Hardly meritable.

- I read a book about this once.

- You sure it was a book?

You sure it wasn't nothing?

- This is show business, not care business.

- You're like all the worst parts of a girlfriend.

- Do you not want to be the producer?

- And just for that, when the movie comes out,

I'm gonna get Matt Damon to play you.

- Oh.

Well, maybe I'll get Jade to play you then.

- Jade?

- Yeah.

Your new producing partner.

A little girl-on-girl action.

I'm joking.

Unless... Unless you'd be up for it.

Jeez, I was only joking.

- It's not a joke. I'm feeling lost.

- Hey.

♪ I've heard there was a secret chord ♪

- Stop.

♪ that Michael played It pleased the Lord ♪

- Stop!

If I explained it, I think I'd only confuse you.

- Do you know what?

I think it's times like this,

If I wasn't a multi-award winning, talented filmmaker

and you were just an ordinary girl,

]then we wouldn't have these problems.

- On 'Gods of Shoreditch,'

I was supposed to be an associate producer,

but in reality I was more of a dogsbody.

- Seriously? This again?

I told you, it's whatever it takes to get the shot.

Look, you can produce the next one in full.

Yeah, my dad's already on board.

- Take that back and I'll kill you.

- You're the producer.

Game face on.

Hooray for Hollywood!

[bright music]

[cameras snapping]

You didn't hold the bloody lift.

- Oh, didn't I?

- Oh, God.

[cameras snapping]

- Are you not going to change for the paparazzi shots?

- It's not really my thing.

Besides, Gabriel would wear something like this, right?

- I've got a bad feeling about this.

- Listen, son, I've got this whole routine worked out.

- No routine, Okay. This isn't an audition.

Just say hello and then sign the pissing document.

- Where's your wife?

- I think we should just come clean.

Ha, ha, ha.

- Hello.

You must be the adjudicator.

My son Alan's been telling me all about you.

[laughter]

Sorry I've been a bit busy.

This film festival malarkey kept me on my toes.

- Yes. Seems to have ramped up a notch

with the screening of 'Gods of Shoreditch.'

- One of my personal favourites.

- Um, now that you're here,

uh, my paperwork needs a signature.

- Absolutely. Happy to.

Thanking you.

Oh, sorry.

Forgot who I was there for a second.

[nervous laughter]

Is that alright?

- Yeah.

I'll need a final signing off,

uh, when the winners are announced,

Your accent seems off.

- Uh, [clears throat]

it's...it's posh voice.

A posh telephone voice.

Yeah, I should use it all the time really.

- [laughs] Right.

- Your honour, may I show you to the next screening?

- Oh!

- You know, my movies are inherently amazing.

It's all about the big screen.

And it's not easy being an action star.

- Thank you.

- Shouldn't you be up there now that you're here?

- Yes. Uh, absolutely.

- He is such a star when it comes to these things.

- Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you

'Gods of Shoreditch'

and it stars, big round of applause,

for its stars Esme Presley and Tugg Speedman.

[applause]

- Good entrance.

You want to see the one I'm going to make

when I win my award?

[Caroline laughs]

- What? No! Get out!

Both of you! Come on.

- Crazy filmmakers trying to draw attention to their film.

- I thought they were quite fun.

[she laughs]

- You know, they do say I'm the new Robert Rodriguez.

Except I star in my own movies as well.

- Maybe Robert was smarter.

[gentle music]

- You fought well despite a twisted ankle.

You will live to fight another day.

And I assure you, it is not serious.

I took the liberty of feeling the bone

and it is perfectly sound.

- Oh, sir, how will I ever thank you?

- Please do not think of it.

It is my honour to serve you.

- Will you not be seated?

- Pray, excuse me.

I do not wish to leave a watermark.

Permit me to call tomorrow afternoon

so that I may inquire after you.

[gentle music continues]

- Fight hard.

Fight for me.

- Alan's pitching me some shitty book movie.

- 'The Gold Particles,' the third book in a series.

- That Guy, The Irish Connection,

moussaka and fucking chips.

Shit,

that director is the worst.

He couldn't even direct traffic.

You know who he should have come to?

Me, Tugg Speedman.

You know him, right, babe?

[gentle guitar music]

- Fun and happiness and short supply.

- Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

- It's always difficult when one person moves on.

- Hmm.

I spoke to dad this morning.

He's recovering, but no mention of my movie, so.

- Nice guys don't finish last?

- Yeah.

You're planning something that's going to get me in trouble,

aren't you?

- Oh, most definitely.

[playful music]

[screams]

- Why?

[grunts]

You best move out of the way and let me be.

- This is not how it works.

Last chance, dumb boys.

[blow lands]

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

[blows landing]

- Alan?

[applause]

- Thank you everyone for the kind words and praise.

The buffet has been provided by yours truly.

Fill your guts.

- You really don't have to do this.

You know they have a meal before the awards.

- These ain't for me.

[playful music continues]

[laughs]

- Wow.

- That went well.

- Thanks for that. What happened to the group?

- This is the best fun I've had all year.

What's this?

Naughty movies or my ransom demands.

[he giggles]

- We have a late entry to the film festival,

and I wanted you to experience it in my full company.

- Late entries are

highly

irregular.

But this could be a lot of fun.

- Well, this is it.

This is where Iron Mike is staying the night.

Because, uh, I don't have three iron bathtubs.

They were all tied together,

it was really, really, really good, like.

- I don't know what you want me to say.

Mike's was the best film.

- I have no patience with best.

I have no patience with fairness.

Life is not fair.

Love is not fair.

And as long as we still breathe the air

of a free capitalist society.

Business will never be fair.

Sacrifice, Alan,

like the kamikaze pilots used to do.

- Yeah, that's a discomforting stay, isn't it?

- Haemorrhoids cause discomfort.

This is open heart surgery.

[message chimes]]

Fuck the phone, Alan.

- You said I could produce.

- I'll, knock you the fuck out right here, right now.

- We did the right thing.

- Are you okay?

[Gabriel groans]

- Movie stars do not have opinions.

[gentle music]

Sorry. I know you're his dad,

but Alan worked damn hard throughout this festival.

- And I suppose the bro's code is over

now your fucking Tugg's wife.

- I think I'm done here.

- [Gabriel] We're bloody ruined!

[traffic rumbling]

- Alan!

You know what I'm gonna say?

- Yes, I know your ending, but I'm not being funny,

the only thing I care about ending is this festival.

Eyes front.

- God, does making movies have to be all this difficult?

- I'm looking forward to this.

Who's doing your presentation?

Hope it's a surprise.

- Oh. Me too.

If she shows up.

- Hmm? - Hmm.

- Hmm.

- I do love surprises.

[indistinct background chatter]

- Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together for our wonderful guest speaker,

Caroline Doherty.

[applaud]

- So very glad to be here this evening

amongst all the wonderful filmmakers and stars.

To be a filmmaker, you have to be psychotic

in your desire to do something.

For the first category.

Best actress in a Feature film;

Millie Ward 'Malicious Intent.'

[applause]

Esme Presley in 'Gods of Shoreditch.'

[applause]

And Fran Walsh in 'Hey Mr. DJ.'

[applause]

And the winner is...

- This is just the start.

Esme Presley.

[applause and cheering]

So very well done.

- I would like to show my immense gratitude

to all of the team involved in 'Gods.'

[applause]

- And for our first Best Picture nominee, we have;

'Hey, Mr. DJ.'

- You didn't think to thank me?

The man who made it all happen.

- A film about a time in the 90s

where DJs were gods and gangsters ruled the streets.

- Your ego will be stroked enough tonight.

- Let's have a look.

- What did you throw there?

- Just, uh, just some bags I was storing stuff in.

Right, get yourself freshened up.

Got a great place for us to go to.

- Oscar, I'm not feeling up to it.

- Hey, you're single now, remember?

Half an hour, we're off.

- And the next category is Best newcomer nominees.

Lin Cheng for 'Opera and the Evening Garden.'

[applause]

Millie Ward for 'Malicious Intent.'

[applause]

and Jess Bronski in 'Mysterious.'

And the winner is Millie Ward in 'Malicious Intent.'

[applause and cheering]

- Oh my God, I don't even know what to say.

Um, thank you so much to the festival.

Thank you so much to everyone that I've met.

And if you would like to come for drinks afterwards,

then, uh, meet me at seven.

- She knows how proud I am of her, don't you?

- Hey, I was nervous, and I got one.

I mean, it looks like roughly the right shape.

I mean, it's gonna save me a ton of batteries.

- And our next best film nominee is for 'Malicious intent.'

[rock music]

[shouting]

And the next category is Best Editing nominees.

We have Emmet Bronski in 'Mysterious.'

Tugg Speedman for 'Gods of Shoreditch,'

George Cheng for 'Opera in the Evening Garden,'

[applause]

and the winner is...

- Well, this is a vindication

considering no one saw the ending.

And our third best film nominee is 'Gods of Shoreditch,'

a story about time travelling gangsters.

- By night, one way by day another.

This shall be the norm.

Until you take true love's first kiss.

And love takes its true form.

[magical chime]

- Is there no one else?

- And a rather exciting category.

Best actor nominees:

We have George Cheng in 'Opera and the Evening Garden.'

[applause]

Ashraf Ward in 'Malicious Intent.'

[applause]

Tugg Speedman in 'Gods of Shoreditch.'

[applause]

[indistinct]

And the winner is...

Tugg Speedman

[applause and cheering]

- Gutted, mate.

Proper gutted.

I honestly thought I was in with a shout.

- Me too.

I was the best actor.

- And our fourth best film nominee...

- I didn't know nothing about no fourth nomination.

- ...is a work of modern day art versus immense need.

Now let's have a look at

'Homelessness and the Man' by Mike Read.

- So there's certain things that you would do,

well certain things you look for

like shopping centre pounds in the trollies.

That's a pound, like.

A pound's like...

£200.

- And we're down to the final award of the evening.

Best overall film of the festival.

And the winner is...

- Hardly a win if you paid for it.

- Mike Read.

[applause and cheering]

- What's going on?

- Well, looks like Mike just won best film, Tugg.

- You're fucking...

- Thanks and everything.

The beds are really comfortable.

[applause and cheering]

- This isn't right!

The film wasn't even in the programme!

What the hell even is this fucking shit film?

My daddy paid for all of this. [audience gasps]

- What are you talking about?

- This was all paid for.

No, not him.

That's just a shit actor.

This is outrageous.

I knew something was wrong.

- Okay.

- I thought he was pretty convincing.

- You falsified records.

There may well be charges.

- What charges?

- No, no, no, please, all right, look, I'm sorry.

This whole thing was my fault.

Don't punish or charge anyone else.

My dad, Gabriel guy from the phone

had a massive heart attack.

And he had so much money invested in this festival.

And is Tugg Speedman telling the truth?

- Technically, yes, most of it was his money.

- His father's money.

- Yes, but we went with our hearts.

And that's why Mike won Best Film.

- I don't judge the films.

I'm merely here to make sure

that the festival is run properly.

From what you're telling me, this has been an absolute farce.

[gentle music]

- Mr. adjudicator, excuse me for interrupting.

I have known Esmé a long time,

and, well, if my word has any bearing,

Esmé,

she always speaks from her heart.

- Miss Warren.

Whoa, whoa.

Warren,

I am a huge fan of your movies.

And your words do carry significant weight.

But this is an official matter.

- Mm. I fully understand that.

But if Esmé says that 'Homeless Man' is the best film,

I would not disagree.

- Thank you Rachel.

- You're welcome.

[gentle music continues]

Producers, erm, is this jacket okay?

It feels a bit big.

- Sometimes you just got to take the chances.

- Do you regret taking a chance on me?

- Who am I to argue with the producer?

- Do you Miss Tugg?

- Wherever he is and whatever he's doing,

let's just hope he's not missing us.

[engine revving]

- Total submission bitches.

- Is this gonna hurt?

- True love is pain.

[Tugg screams]

[rock music]

- Turn over.

And action!

- I'm not playing a streetwalker.

- It's a tart with a heart.

- Would a second rate streetwalker

wear an outfit like this

I'm first class. Won best newcomer.

- Just do it how it's written, please, babe.

- Idiot!

- You know the saying never work with children or animals.

- He loves me really.

- Proper diva.

[rock music continues]

[singing opera]

[rock music continues]

- Some beautiful paths can't be discovered without getting lost.

- I never did thank you, did I?

- Emmet.

I've got something for you.

- Oh, God. Please do not kidnap me now.

- You'll like this.

- Oh, please.

He did it to himself when we went back on his word.

- You're welcome.

- Why did you just not leave us alone?

We told you time and time again.

But you still didn't listen to your sister.

- Oh, okay.

[Esme chuckles]