Original subtitles

What can I tell you? I messed up!

I broke the rules, I know that, but...

SIGHS

...how was I meant to walk past his house every single day

and know that he's struggling, and do nothing about it?!

I just couldn't.

And that, Ruby, is what I like about you. No BS.

I hate BS! Don't you hate BS?

Yeah, not as much as you hate BS...

Which is why I won't BS you now.

If it was up to me, I'd give you the job straight away.

Isn't it up to you, though?

It is, yes, but I've got other candidates in today,

and you...

...might not be the best one.

Understood. But...

...if they're shite,

the job's yours, and that's a promise...

with some caveats. Amazing.

So, what time does everyone get in, then?

Well, they don't.

We've started remote working.

They're all logged on from home.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Oh.

Dominic! If you're shitting in the downstairs loo again,

I swear to God!

So will I be working from home, too, then?

Certainly would, you lucky thing. It's not only sex workers

that get to make money by staying in their PJs.

Yeah, that's not an accurate depiction.

And we have a choir that can actually sing.

But you'll see that later today in ChoirFest South West.

I'm looking forward to it, actually.

Hellocom Choir are not sounding too shabby these days, either.

LAUGHS

That's good.

Ah, that's very good.

I'm not joking.

SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING

It's brilliant!

Oh! Show in the other candidate on your way out

and you have a complimentary Lindor ball on me.

CONTINUES LAUGHING

Come on!

You've gotta be kidding me!

You been in there for an interview? Yes.

Obviously, cos Vicki's gonna sack me in a bit anyway, so...

Not my problem... mate.

Best of luck, then... mate.

I don't need luck, Ruby!

Helen told me the job's mine if I want it, so... sorry.

Of course she did, mate.

Marko, just the man.

You haven't got a screen wipe, have you? Susan's got a mucky face.

It's actually sweat and grease residue from your fingers.

Shh!

I just came to see if you'd made a decision about Ruby?

Sometimes, to mark oneself out as an innovator,

one must make innovative choices.

I don't understand. Let me explain it, then.

I'm keeping her on. The shitter the call centre operative,

the better my Susans look. Well, that doesn't seem very fair.

So you'd rather me let her go? No, no, no, no, God, God, no.

Business ballast, we call it. Well, I dos, anyways.

It's really good, actually. I should write that down.

So Ruby is staying? Well, that's-that's great!

Why do you care so much about Ruby?

I don't. Well, I mean, I do, but I care about all of my team.

What's up? Tell your Auntie Vicki. She's not your normal type.

I don't have a type, actually.

Yeah, that's what my ex used to say before he left me

for a younger version of... me.

I'll just get some more screen wipes, shall I?

Thank you, Mark. Her hands are very clammy.

It's Jojoba hand cream, actually, Susan.

All right, chickens, show me a winner.

We're all winners, come on!

Donna, you look deflated.

Why not have a chocolate ball to suck on, my love?

Wouldn't be my first, Ruby. Cheeky!

That's enough. Will you just sit down?

Cameron, catch this in your gob and I'll give you a foot spa.

Shame. Stop messing around, Vicki's just in her office.

As if it matters. I'll be gone by the end of the day, and you know it.

No, you won't. She's keeping you on.

Really? Why?

It doesn't matter, but you're not getting sacked, so just behave, OK?

I'm not getting sacked.

I'm not getting sacked.

Cameron, Cameron, Cameron, I'm not getting sacked.

Yep, sorry about that. So, sports.

How many of these do you think I could fit in my gob

and still take a call?

A lot. You've got a really big mouth. I'm glad you're not leaving.

Is that because you love me? No, Ruby, get off!

Not until you tell me that I'm the best.

Mm-hm. OK, Ruby, you are the best.

Now get off me.

THEY CHUCKLE

Are you the best, or am I the best?

You know she's told me that I've got that job too, right?

That was before you nicked all her Lindor balls.

You can't prove nothing. I've eaten the evidence.

Now...

You just don't get it, Mark. I said I'm sorry, OK?

For what, though? Making you angry.

Oh, my...

HE SIGHS

Did you want something, Ruby?

Oh, hi, Mark. I didn't see you in here.

Yes, you did.

Yes, yes, I did, and I'm sure you wanna talk all about it, don't you?

Not really. Yes, you do.

Fine.

We were on our way to work this morning,

it's pissing it down with rain, and this knackered-looking bloke,

he's off his head, he tries to nick my umbrella.

And what did you do? Well, I let him take it,

but then she gets all angry because we get a bit wet.

I mean, it's mad, right?

Do you have any idea how much time, effort and money

it takes to look like Ellie?

Well, she looks great. I tell her that all the time.

Yeah, but you never see the work.

Them eyebrows set her back hundreds, hundreds. For eyebrows.

And how much did your eyebrows cost?

Mm? Nothing.

Mm, yeah, exactly.

All the extra life and money you lot get by being able to get up,

put your clothes on and go out. Well, I make an effort.

Yeah, you do, and you smell great as well.

Thanks.

And Ellie, she's a master of her own appearance, and you, sir,

with your very casual getting-a-bit-wet attitude,

did not respect the work.

Hm. I'd best go and find her, then. Yeah.

MARK CLEARS HIS THROAT

For what it's worth, Mark, I'd have let him have the umbrella as well.

Thank you, Ruby.

Ah, what can I say? Beautiful inside and out, I am.

SHE GIGGLES

SHE SIGHS

I actually am, you idiot.

Sorry, what? Nothing.

RINGING

Hello, Hellocom, keeping you connected.

Ruby speaking. How can I help?

Hi, sorry, this is a bit of a weird question.

Go ahead, I'm having a weird day.

I just wondered, is there a way that I could stop my husband

turning the internet off remotely?

I'm sorry, he does what?

He doesn't do it all the time, just when he's angry with the kids or me,

but, yeah, he does it via an app on the phone, so how do I stop that?

Are you an admin on the account?

No, I think he takes care of all of that stuff.

OK, um, let me get that sorted for you.

Can I take your name and postcode, please?

Yes, er, so my name is Bianca.

Er, OK, Mum, yeah, I'll bring the bulbs round on Thursday. OK.

OK, love you, bye.

HANGS UP

Hello?

Hello, Bianca?

TAPS KEYS Hello?

Melons, where's Mark?

Come with me on a journey from wellness to wellbeing.

Sorry, Vicki...

We're beings, we're human beings.

For f... What is it, Ruby? My Musk pockets are empty today, babes.

If you've come with that emotional thank you, then, yes,

but just save it for after ChoirFest South West, OK?

Understood.

Um, I wanted to talk to you.

What do I do if I'm concerned about a customer's safety?

Can I, um, put a trace on the call log? No, you cannot!

Can I contact some organisation? What? No!

No, in a situation like this, there really is only one thing for it -

you get back to your seat, put on your little, er, headsetty thingy

and take some more calls like a good chicken,

cos I've got a wellness talk to deliver.

Hello... It's all bollocks, isn't it?

I'm Vicki. Everything you say...

I'm here to tell you... ...everything you make us say.

What?! What are you still talking about?

It's not about keeping people connected.

It's about keeping people isolated, dependant and alone,

so they'll spend more money to fill the massive gaps in their lives.

Hang on, are you giving me a wellness talk?

People are dying of loneliness!

Loneliness!

And you don't give a shit, do you?

Just as long as they're locked in on a direct debit straight to Hellocom.

You make me laugh!

As if you didn't know all that already!

It's a business!

Duh!

Oh!

All right, then, Rubes,

you just tell yourself that you're helping people

if it makes you feel better.

But the truth is, babes,

you are a bit lazy and you're too scared to try

and you're just the same as me.

We're in it for the pay cheque.

No, I'm nothing like you and I never will be,

so you can stick your job and your pay cheque

up your overly toned arse.

Oh!

Ruby, what are you doing?

You can't go. What about choir?

Adios, amigos.

I just can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry.

I can't.

What's going on?

Name and post code, please.

'Is Ruby available? It's Clinton.'

Oh, sorry, sir, Ruby's not here.

'I don't mind waiting until she comes back.'

I don't think she is coming back. I think she's left.

Nah, she's still here.

She's at the bus stop. It's a smoking shelter, Tom.

Sorry I don't do public transport!

Aw, you just get your mummy to come pick you up.

What?

I'm gonna go see if she's all right.

No, no, no, everyone sit down and get back to work, Vicki's watching.

Hey, there you are!

Hi, bitch.

I'm really sorry about your friend thingy.

What, Ruby? Yeah, that one.

Yeah. Well, look, I'm-I'm-I'm really sorry about this morning.

You've really gotta stop

letting people push you around so much, Mark.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

So I've actually been doing some thinking and, um...

I think it's time for me to start holding my own umbrella for a bit.

Oh. Oh, OK.

Er, yeah, understood, cool.

If you really care about something, you've got to fight for it, bitch.

Yeah, you're right, I do let people push me around too much.

Yeah, thank you, Ellie.

He was talking about me.

Whatever.

All right, my chickens!

Minibus is here. Time to hit ChoirFest South West!

Ear plugs at the ready! I'm joking, not really.

Ooh, but hurry up cos I'm on in an hour.

BIRDSONG

HE SIGHS

You know this isn't a bus stop, right?

Yes, obviously.

It's the end of an era, isn't it?

Can you call it an era if it's been less than three months?

Probably not.

I really wish you'd spoken to me before you did that.

Didn't know I was gonna do it until it came out of my gob.

Yeah, you might wanna work on that, you dickhead.

Is this your uplifting pep talk?

Yeah, yeah, it is. Is it working? No.

I know it's stupid,

but doing a choir is the first thing I've ever really stuck at.

It made me properly happy, in here.

What, in your dungarees?

Yeah, right in my dungarees.

THEY CHUCKLE

You can still go with them if you want,

I mean, what's Vicki gonna do about it, really?

It's a bit late now, innit? Look.

They're not on there!

What are they doing? They're gonna miss it!

Well, come on! They need you! Come on.

Come on.

Thanks for calling Hellocom.

What are you doing? We're not going if you're not going.

I'd have gone but I got outvoted.

We've been working on this for weeks.

Exactly, WE have.

Look, guys, I love this whole, Captain My Captain thing, but...

Donna made outfits.

I'll be bollocksed if I'll let all those sequins go to waste.

So come with us.

Well, come on, then. Yes!

Grab your capes, let's go win ChoirFest. Whoo!

Yes!

Hold on, how are you gonna get there?

Call my ma.

OVERLAPPING SPEECH

Shut up, Susan.

Oh, you're kidding me!

Where did you get this car? My ma dropped it off.

And where's your ma? I sent her home on the bus.

Listen, I want you to know I turned down the Windows job.

What did you do that for?

Better chance of you getting it now.

And you need it more than me.

That is the sweetest,

yet most massively arrogantly thing you've ever done.

I know, right!

All right. We're gonna be late.

We? Are you coming?

Yeah, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

All right, you all in? Yeah.

Let's go win ChoirFest South West! Whoo!

Hello! We're the Hellocom Bristol Branch, we should be on your list.

Yeah, let's reverse here, people, yeah? Back it up, come on.

We don't wanna see me use this, now, do you? What, a walkie talkie?!

Calm down. There is no need to escalate!

Hey, sorry for asking, bruv,

I don't mean to invade your privacy or anything,

but you're Cranks, innit?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, believe!

Yeah, bro, I seen you, you was on RD's TikTok fam.

What, dee RD? Yeah.

Shut up! Bro, I'm being deadly serious.

I got it by 'ere.

RD, look at that. How did he even get that, though?

Yeah, RD's my nephew. What?!

I put it on my TikTok. Yeah, that's sick, that.

So can we come in or not? No, sorry, late entries won't be permitted.

House rules. Sorry, love.

Oh, it's all my fault. I've let you all down.

That was pointless, then. Yeah, it-it was pointless.

That's what made it so brilliant.

♪ Don't leave me this wa-a-ay

♪ I can't survive

♪ I can't stay alive

♪ Without your love

♪ Oh, baby

♪ Don't leave me this way

♪ I can't exist

♪ I will surely miss

♪ Your tender kiss

♪ Oh

♪ So don't leave me this way

♪ A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah

♪ A-a-a-ah

♪ Baby

♪ My heart is full of love and Desire for you

♪ So come on down and do what You've gotta do

♪ You started this fire Down in my soul

♪ Now can't you see It's burning out of control?

♪ So come on down and satisfy

♪ The need in me Cos only your good loving

♪ Can set me free ♪ Set me free, set me free

♪ Don't leave me this way

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ I don't understand Don't understand

♪ How I'm at your command

♪ So, baby, please

♪ Don't leave me this way

♪ A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah... ♪ Come on!

♪ Baby

♪ My heart is full of love and Desire for you

♪ So come on down and do what You've gotta do

♪ You started this fire Down in my soul

♪ Now can't you see it's burning

♪ Out of control

♪ So come on down and satisfy the

♪ Need in me

♪ Cos only your good loving

♪ Can set me free

♪ Set me free ♪ Set me free

♪ Set me free. ♪

Yeah!

That's right, that's right, yes, that's our Hellocom Choir,

putting wellness at the heart of everything we do.

Clinton, what are you doing here? You invited me.

I thought you were angry. I thought you came in to complain.

No, I came in to thank you.

And I wanted to let your boss know how amazing you've been.

Mm-hm.

Oh, don't give me that face, Ruby.

You resigned, can't blame me for that.

Yeah, what about this? Hm? You lied to head office.

The customers, they hate the Susans,

it's all in this report that you didn't send!

A minor admin error. Do you think head office will see it like that?

Hmm... No, no, I didn't think so.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Ruby, you're gonna apologise to Vicki for what you said.

RUBY SCOFFS

Sorry.

Properly.

Sorry, Vicki, for telling you

that you can stick your job up your overly toned arse, as nice as it is.

Thanks, babes.

And Vicki, you're gonna let Ruby have her job back

or I'm gonna tell head office that you lied about the chatbots.

That's fine, but you can't hold back progress, Marko.

The Susans are coming. Yeah, maybe, but look around you, Vicki.

Yeah, people really like people.

And you don't get robot choirs, do you?

Not yet, Marko. Mark!

My name is Mark.

If you get like, really, really famous, will you leave Hellocom?

Um, I might, but...

but then again,

the music industry's, like, well unpredictable and that,

so I might not.

Yeah.

What's up with him? I don't know, he just...

Bad news, I'm afraid. I had to give the job to Dominic in the end.

So even though you turned it down, I still didn't get it?

Tom didn't turn it down.

I told you this morning you weren't cut out for Windows.

What? What?

You!

Dominic, they're announcing the winner. Quickly, Dominic. Quick.

The winner is Dyson Malmesbury Customer Care Team. Gah!

Never mind, losers. Come on, let's get back to the office.

What, all of us?

Yes, Ruby, all of us.

CHEERING Welcome back!

Come on, we've got callers waiting.

No, Mr Turner, it's absolutely my pleasure. You call any time.

Thank you for calling Hellocom.

U-V-J...

So you're all set up as the admin

on your home movers account now, Bianca.

Thanks, Ruby, appreciate it. I best get back to moving those boxes.

There's so many. Well, take care and good luck.

Right, OK, are you ready to go? I think so.

Let's go for a practice. Introduction.

Hello, Hellocom, keeping you...

Ruby! What?

Do you fancy a brew? Yes, I do, actually.

Ruby's making tea, fair play, anyone else want one!?

Yeah! Oh, yeah, I'll have one, please. What?

No way! Tom!

Milk, no sugar, please. And thanks, Ruby.

I thought better of you, Clinton.

'Don't Leave Me This Way' by The Communards

♪ Don't leave me this way

♪ I can't survive

♪ I can't stay alive

♪ Without your love

♪ No, baby

♪ Don't leave me this way

♪ I can't exist

♪ I will surely miss

♪ Your tender kiss

♪ So don't leave me this way

♪ A-a-a-h baby... ♪