Original subtitles

Excuse me?

And how long have you had your account with us now, Mrs Pikoulis?

'Darling, I haven't the foggiest.

'I can barely remember who came over for dinner last night.'

Ooh, big night on the bevvies, was it?

One or two.

So, what do you think, Ruby? Can I get that offer?

Oh, mate, I'd love to, but that offer's expired now

and they won't even let me put the code in the system.

Never mind. Chalk it up to one of life's regrets.

I bet you've got a few of those too, eh, Ruby?

God, loads.

'Dave Badrock once fingered me on the ghost train at Weston-super-Mare

'and I never got his number.'

'Regret's a fool's game. We must look to the future, dear girl.'

You're absolutely right, Mrs Pikoulis. Take care now.

Well, that was... Horrible.

But thanks to our consumer research volunteer...

Are you OK, Mrs Pikoulis? Can you hear me?

'Loud and clear.' Good.

...we get to see how a chatbot might handle that better.

Hellocom, keeping you connected.

Susan speaking. How may I help you, Mrs "Parcoolees"?

'I was wondering if I can get the Maxi Mayhem offer

'I saw on the television?'

I am sorry, but Maxi Mayhem is no longer available.

'Oh, never mind. Chalk it up to one of life's regrets.

'Bet you've got a few of those too, eh, Susan?'

SUSAN GLITCHES

Before you go, Mrs "Pickyooless", switch to "Hellcom" Mobile

and you can get our Bonkers Bundle offer for just £19.99 a month.

Minimum period of 28 months with a guaranteed contract.

Early exit from the contract may incur fines from the provider.

You may lose your home if you don't keep up with payments.

'Oh, OK. Will I have to change numbers?'

No way, "Josie". Mrs Pikoulis, with Hellocom,

we do the hard work for you, Mrs Pikoulis.

'I was wondering if...' CALL CUTS OFF

How good was that? Well, yeah, it was OK, but...

Answered the query: Tick. Made a connection: Tick.

Didn't need an unscheduled poo break:

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

It'll be interesting to see... Tick.

It will be interesting to see the customer feedback too,

when that comes in. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that, babes.

But, um... I think we all know who won that round. Tell him, Susan.

Chatbots one, humans zero.

Ha! That's cos he likes football, right?

One-ni... Oh, no, nil is football. OK. Oh, Susan...

Where's Ruby? Poo break.

Of course she is.

ALL RESUME CALLS

RAP MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY

You all right, Craig?

Craig. Oh!

Sorry, bruv. God. Forget me name's Craig sometimes, innit?

It's literally written on your name badge, mate.

It's just, like, my rapping is, like,

blowing up on the socials right now.

Name on the streets is Crankz now. Believe.

That is great. You know, I actually have choir practice in a bit,

so I'm just gonna head off. Yeah, only I...

What is it... Crankz? Nice one.

Sounds well lit coming from a lawyer man like you.

But, yeah, I'm not doing that well. With the galdem.

One galdem in particular, innit. Melons.

HE COUGHS How did you know that?

Probably because you go bright red whenever she comes into the room.

Nah, nah, it's cos you've got, like, a legal mind, innit?

For real, I've seen all them big-ass legal books on your desk.

There is nothing in those books about talking to girls,

and let's be honest, if there were, I'd probably skip those chapters.

Cos you're homosexual. Best believe, Crankz.

Seriously, though, what should I do? Just ask her out.

Big man like you must have asked girls out before.

What do you normally say? Normally, I'd just be like...

I'd just be like...

Wagwan, sweet one. Can I get your Snap still?

Does that work for you? Normally?

No. No.

No, it doesn't, bruv. There was this one time in year eight, though,

I let Mikecia Bennett suck my Froob and she gave me her number, so...

Please don't tell me "Froob" is a euphemism.

A what? It's a yoghurt, fam, with a little fruit guy on the front.

Yeah, I know. I thought you was clever.

Just talk to her. Go on.

Oi, Melons.

Give me your Snap and we can do, like, Nando's or something.

No.

Aw, mate. Er... HE PANTS

Bruv! Chin up.

Hey, hey, the Crankz I know would never give up that easily.

For real. Yeah.

For real.

DISCORDANT HUMMING

"Mm, ah", not "mm, arh". All right.

DISCORDANT HUMMING

Er... Can we help you?

Oh, my God, this can really make you LOL

cos right now this is really making me LOL.

I heard you all from outside and I literally went and got a defib!

SHE LAUGHS

You literally didn't do that, so... It's like I sort of thought

that someone might have been having a seizure, or, you know,

choking on a bit of edamame, that type of thing.

SHE LAUGHS OK, OK, we get it.

But we've only got two weeks to go before ChoirFest South West, so...

Two weeks.

Do you have to do it, Ruby?

Yes, because Vicki is making me. And we wanna do it.

And that, too. You know you sound awful, though.

But this is a warmup. Oh, it's a warmup.

Oh, you're warming up. Yes.

Ah. Thank you.

Amazing. OK, so let's go back to the...

You gonna join us? No. No, don't mind me, though.

OK. After three. Nice and easy.

One, two, three...

Actually, the acoustics aren't great in here anyway, so...

That's definitely the problem

Let's go somewhere else, like the canteen.

There's bad energy in here anyway. Yeah, Ruby, why don't you just

stick a sign on the door so people don't think

that there's a cow and labour in this room, you know?

Or a dog with its little paw stuck in a car door.

You don't want people thinking... OK, we get it.

OK. Bye, bitches. Yes.

Costa's slices are absolutely minging.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Can I help you, please, madam?

I said you can't have my Snap. I know that. Are you gassing me?

No, I said you can't have my Snap because I don't have Snapchat.

Oh. But you could ask me

to go on a tea break later, if you want.

Man don't drink tea. Fine.

Well baffled.

All I'm saying is if you want me to sleep with one of the judges,

I'm here for that. Just give me a name.

I'm hoping won't come to that, but I'll bear it in mind.

♪ I want to make you understand

♪ Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down...

♪ Never gonna run around And desert you

♪ Never gonna make you cry Ooh-hoo

♪ Say goodbye

♪ Never gonna tell a lie... ♪

Bloody hell. Weston Windows.

Please don't say they're entering ChoirFest South West.

What the hell, you guys?

We're trying to rehearse for ChoirFest South West!

Shit. Sorry, we just thought...

Hello? Dummkopf.

Is it not obvious that we're in the middle of something here?

How are we meant to perfect our a cappella

when people let you keep barging in and breaking our flow?

It is lunchtime and this is the canteen.

Sounds like a you problem.

Now, if you don't mind, whoever you are,

we've got a triple vocal harmony to perfect. OK?

A what? Let's go again, people.

And, Dominic, if you don't bring me your full mezzosoprano,

I will have you replaced like that.

You understand, Dominic? Like that.

THEY HARMONISE

Let's not be intimidated. We know we've got a lot of work to do,

but if we just keep practising... Look, let's pivot. All right?

Same game plan but now we shag the Windows woman. She's a threat.

Have you no shame, Tom? Not a lot, no.

But trust me, this is how it goes.

I shag her, she falls wildly in love with me, then we love-bomb her.

Classy. You might need to fund

a trip up to the Cotswolds. But long story short,

she gets a broken heart, never sings again,

and we win ChoirFest South West. Bosh.

I never knew winning meant so much to you.

Couldn't give a shit, son. But I'm a solutions man.

Let's just meet back here after work and give it another run-through, OK?

Trust me, it's gonna be fine.

I'm screwed, aren't I?

All right! All right.

No need to keep going on about it.

Vicki? Can I speak to you a moment?

I'm sorry, Vicki's not here right now.

Who said that? My name is Susan.

How can I help you? Ooh, Susan, you're a bit cool.

Thank you, first name of customer. You like a sort of Alexa, then?

My mum's got one of those. She talks to it more than she talks to my dad.

How can I help you, first... name of customer?

Er, Susan, do a fart.

No. All right.

Um, Susan, can I get sacked if I ditch the choir

cos we sound bloody awful?

One moment, please, first name of customer. I'm getting your answer.

Ruby, what the hell are you doing in here?

I've just come in to talk to Vicki about the choir.

Well, wait at your desk until she gets back.

OK. Come on. Ruby, come on, get out.

And stay out! SHE GIGGLES

Look, I'm just saying,

there's a lot going on here at the moment, Ruby, OK? Like what?

I'm just saying, look, if you want to keep your job,

please, will you just keep your head down and stay out of trouble?

I wasn't doing anything. I was just talking to the... Susan thing.

Yes, but pretty soon, if Vicki gets her way,

we're all gonna be talking Susans. OK?

So please, Ruby, will you just go? Go, please.

Off you go, thank you very much.

That's for you. I made one for everyone in choir.

Are you serious?

If I got your measurements wrong, you'll have to suck it up

cos those sequins are an absolute bugger to run through the machine.

This bloody choir.

Yep, that's no problem.

If you just want to remove the bottom person on your list.

OK, can I just pop you on hold a minute?

Er, so, you don't do Snap?

I don't. Man don't do tea.

OK. So, do you like Rubicon?

Which flavour? Up to you.

Mango. I knew it, that is well good.

Er... I'll, er... I'll see you later, then.

OK. For a drink.

THAT drink, so don't drink it yet.

No, I... I got it. Yeah.

Hello, Hellocom, keeping you connected. Ruby speaking.

Can I take a name, please? 'Oh, you want my name? Sure.

'The name's God.' God?

'Yeah, that's right. God.'

Um, how are you spelling that? 'Really? You want me to spell God?

'Fine, um, G-O-D, as in, um... Well, as in "God".'

Can I get your post code, please?

'Yeah, I don't really have one of those.

'Put down HEAVEN1 or PEARLY GATES. Whatever you think.'

I'm sorry, sir, but if you're not gonna be serious,

I will terminate the call.

'That's it, you walk away, throw the towel in

'just like you always do.'

Sorry? 'You heard me, Ruby. Quitter.'

Ah, sorry, what?! Hello? Hello?!

Oi! What's wrong with your face?

Don't you mean, "Are you OK, Ruby?" That's what I said.

I know this is mad,

but I was just chatting to a guy who said he was God.

Probably just someone dicking around.

You know when you, like, get a really clear mental image

of who you're talking to? No.

Yes, you do. Like when you hear their voice

and you can see them in your mind's eye.

No, nobody does that. Literally no-one.

No.

Well, I do. But then, with God, nothing.

Ruby, were you looking for me?

Cos I've got a musk pocket now if you want.

Did you just say you've got a musk pocket?

Yeah, babes. Like what Elon Musk does,

he breaks his day into little five-minute pockets of time.

And you two clearly have a lot in common.

You're not the first to notice,

although some days, I'd rather be trying to get a rocket to Mars

than managing this branch of Hellocom,

with a teenage daughter with authority issues,

you know what I'm saying, babes?

Is this her? She's really pretty. It's an old photo.

The pocket's already started, babes. Sit down.

What can I do for you?

Well, is anything gonna happen

if we do really badly at ChoirFest South West?

Before I answer that question, can I pose you another?

Pose away.

Are you aware of the prophet and philosopher Matthew McConaughey?

I am aware of the Magic Mike actor Matthew McConaughey.

The self same.

Now, in the teachings of McConaughey,

we learn that sometimes, which choice you make

is not as important as making a choice and committing to it.

Oh, that's actually quite good. Isn't it?

The man's a genius as far as I'm concerned.

So, now you know that...

what do you intend to do?

I'm not gonna give up the choir.

That's the spirit, cowboy!

Mainly because I don't know if I mentioned it - I did -

but I'm doing a talk. A wellbeing talk.

About the importance of workplace wellness.

So, you know, no phoning in sick that day, babes.

THEY LAUGH Don't.

I won't. I'm gonna do us proud, Vicki. Well, proudish.

Cos I don't care what God says, I'm no quitter!

Well, I am, but I don't want to be any more.

I'm gonna have my own McConaissance.

A "McConaughey-sance". Oh, yeah, that too.

ChoirFest South West, here we come! Boom.

Can we have 15 minutes' extra break?

All right, all right, all right, all right.

ALL HUMMING ♪ Here! ♪

CHEERING

We've got our capes on.

It's time for choir practice. Let's go.

♪ What you know about Livin' on the top?

♪ Penthouse suites Lookin' down on the opps

♪ Took him for a test drive Left him on the lot

♪ Time is money So I spent it on a watch

♪ Hold on, lil' bitties Showin' through the white tee

♪ You can see the thong Bussin' out my tight jeans

♪ Rocks on my fingers Like he wanna wife me... ♪

♪ Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you done... ♪

Why are you still here? Why?

I'll tell you why, shall I, Hilda Hellocom?

We're still here because we are gonna be the best workplace choir

in the whole of the South West region,

including the Dyson Head Office in Malmesbury.

We're still here because we have the work ethic.

And we're still here because Dominic can't get control of his vibrato

in the middle eight!

Well, Wendy Windows, your time is up.

Cos whether you like it or not, we've got to rehearse.

Ready? ♪ Weeeee... ♪

THEY JOIN IN

Is that meant to intimidate us? SHE LAUGHS

Oh, I shouldn't laugh. Save that for the competition.

You're gonna bring the house down.

♪ We're going to beat you

♪ You don't stand a chance in hell

♪ We're going to beat you

♪ You don't stand a chance in hell

♪ We're going to beat... ♪ BOTH HOLD HIGH NOTE

Fine!

Have the room. You clearly need the practice more than we do.

Let's go, guys. LAUGHTER

Hurry up, Dominic!

Yes!

Hey, any more chats with God today, then?

No, none.

I did, he called me back after lunch.

I told you, I bloody told you.

Yeah, except for he's not really God.

He's a bloke called Fabio who lives in Harrogate.

Yeah, but how did he know my name? Answer me that.

Because you start every call by saying, "Ruby speaking".

Hmm. Maybe.

OK.

If it's spiritual awakening you're after,

my offer of a drink still stands.

Tell you what, you can buy me a pint of Thatchers

and then we'll see what happens. No promises.

Melons, coming to the pub? No, I'm not,

and don't ask me any more questions! Mm! Let's go.

Vicki, I got the feedback from the customer trials.

Ooh, good, I've been looking forward to this.

I think you might wanna look at this one.

Mrs Pikoulis. Sounds like the general consensus.

"I found the chatbot creepy.

"Used my name too many times,

"felt uncomfortable knowing I was talking to a robot."

Inconclusive, then.

It goes on.

"Ruby was more engaging,

"and I trusted that she was looking out for my best interests,

"not just trying to get my money."

Looks like it's humans one, chatbots zero.

Sorry about that, Susan. Shh!

Another advantage to the "chatbok",

is that they have additional features like office security.

Playback, Susan.

MARK, RECORDED: 'Just saying that if you want to keep your job,

'please will you just keep your head down and stay out of trouble?'

'I wasn't doing anything, I was just talking to Susan.'

'Yes, but pretty soon, if Vicki gets her way,

'we're all gonna be talking Susans.'

Seems to me it's game, set and match.

SHE CHUCKLES

Looks at him and says, "Changing lanes, are we are? Fair play."

Oh-ho-ho, sounds like my kind of girl.

Mind if I have a quick word? In private.

What do you want?

You really are a gobby cow, aren't you?

And? Tell me something I don't know. I bloody love it.

Mm, OK. Here, take this. There's my card.

Call me - Weston Windows could do with more people like you.

Let's go, Dominic. We're late picking the kids up from your mum.

Are you and Dominic together?

Oh, yeah. Pure animal, sexual chemistry

between us, always has been.

Dominic, stop picking that! Let's go.

What did she want? Nothing much.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Safe. Safe.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com